The reunion picks up where the finale left off, and Bryant "Still Not Humble" Gumbel welcomes us back to the soundstage in Los Angeles. He speaks directly to my suspicions as he claims, of the forty days in Africa, "And no, it all didn't take place here in the studio." In theory, I like his glasses, but on him they're squirrely and way too tiny. He needs a bigger pair. Or a smaller face. In any case, Bryant tells us that the show is live and brings together all of the survivors for the first time since Kenya. He points out that the audience is full of family, friends, and fans of the S16, and cites Ethan's family as being "particularly joyful." I don't know why, though; it's not like he just scored the winning goal in a high-school soccer game as a freshman or anything marvelous like that.
Bryant congratulates Ethan and tells him to give "a big shout-out" to Diane (his mom) and his brothers. I don't know who Diane is, but I'm guessing Bryant doesn't mean Big Bird, and that she's Ethan's girlfriend. They all wave at him from the back row. You'd think the winner's family members would score good seats, but not so, I guess. Ethan says his family is really happy, and Bryant exclaims, "They're flying home first-class!" Ethan thinks he's the favorite son now, and that he's finally made up for that ten-year-old easy goal. Bryant wants to know what he thinks "the difference was," meaning how Ethan managed to prevail over the others. Ethan answers that, even though he holds the title, he couldn't have won without everyone else. Clearly. Because without everyone else, it wouldn't have been much of a competition. Kimj, incidentally, looks like she's in drag. Ethan cites as the three components of winning: luck, lasting alliances, and "sticking to your gut." He then adds, "Not your gut, sorry," to Lex Loser. He thinks having faith in others paid off in the end. There were many times when the competition could have gone differently, he says, but they stayed true to each other and to their alliance, and he thinks that's what got him all the way to the end.
Bryant "He Ain't Heavy -- That's His Brother" Gumbel cuts Ethan off as he realizes that he's forgotten to introduce the entire S16. "In the order they left Africa," they are:
- postal-worker Diane (who brought along her poodle, which spends the entire special perched atop Diane's head)
- deputy sheriff Jessie, who has clearly paid a visit to Jennifer Lopez's stylist
- dentist Carl, who has since leaving Africa been hair-plugged for men
- "the Harvard-based Hugger" Linda, who borrowed her hairdo from Simon LeBon
- Bartender Silas is still cute even if he sucks
- the neckless Lindsey (Bryant drools that "you haven't seen all of her until you've seen her audition tape," and then adds, when she shoots him a look, "Don't look at me; you made it")
- bean-lover Clarence
- "first juror; first whatever" Kelly
- "the ever-flamboyant" Brandon
- "his movie date" Frank Garrison
- Little Kim, who gets no further commentary
- Teresa, who doesn't either
- "Big Tom the Goat Farmer"
- "Grandmaster" Lex Loser
- "Big Kim," and
- Ethan
Bryant forgets that he just asked Ethan what "the difference was," and so asks the same question again. Did he play the game, as his mother advised, with the most integrity? Ethan thinks integrity had a lot to do with his victory, but he thinks many of the S16 played with integrity. He tells Bryant that you don't have to be "evil and back-stabbing and a villain" to succeed on Survivor -- just to succeed as a news host. Okay, so he doesn't say that, but I'll bet he's thinking it. So maybe he's not thinking it, but I am. In any case, according to Ethan, playing fair, trying really hard, "and just hop[ing] for the best" were an integral part of his win.
Bryant "There Must Be Fifty Lays to Leave Your Wife For" Gumbel asks why Kimj picked Ethan over Lex Loser to compete against in the final two. She says that -- all together now -- it was the hardest decision she's ever had to make, because she respected and cared about them both. She got to know both men very well in Africa, and doesn't think she could have won against either of them. She claims to have based her final decision on the fact that Lex Loser had already won so many things, and then turns to him and says, "Obviously, not the million. Sorry, darling." She says that since she knew she couldn't win, she picked the person whom she thought most deserving of the victory. Bryant is surprised that Kimj didn't think she could "prevail against Lex [Loser]," and she insists that Lex Loser was very well-liked among the tribe. She explains, "A lot of the comments that he made that seemed negative were not made to us." She then basically says that Lex Loser was nice to their faces and a bitch behind their backs. Bryant thinks Kelly would disagree that Lex Loser was a nice guy in Africa, but Kimj insists, "Kelly is one vote." Kimj then says she can name four people off the top of her head who would have voted for Lex Loser. She admits that it might have been a 4-3 final vote instead of 5-2, but ultimately she didn't feel any more confident going up against Lex Loser than Ethan. Bryant asks Lex Loser if, in retrospect, his "undoing" was being "out in front too much," and Lex Loser says he didn't know any other way to play the game. He says it's easy when you're watching the show to think you could hold yourself back, but when he got to Africa he only cared about winning. He doesn't know if that was the best move strategically, but claims that was his unalterable mindset. Bryant then asks Tom if he's more satisfied or frustrated to have gotten so far in the game. Tom says it's "flustrating"; he'd rather be in Ethan's place with the million dollars: "He's goin' back first-class and I'm gon' walk!" Bryant asks Tom if, upon making the final four, he thought, "Hey, I can win this thing!" Tom says he did think he could win, and "obviously a mental challenge wasn't what [he] was hopin' for." He adds, "You know, I'm a goat farmer, not a rocket scientist." Bryant thinks that's terribly funny, if not terribly original. Tom says he, Ethan, and Lex Loser had a strong alliance about which he felt very comfortable. He sadly says, "The chips fell where they may, and I can live with it." He doesn't say he'll just dust off those chips and eat them as a snack.
Bryant "He's Gumbel-ievable!" Gumbel asks the jurors whether their minds were made up prior to the final Tribal Council. Brandon said there was no question in his mind that he would vote for Ethan, and that his question was intended as a jab at Frank because he outlasted Brandon in Africa by three days. But then Ethan named Brandon as the most undeserving of the jurors, and Brandon asks, "How could I vote for that?" Bryant wants help understanding Kelly's motivation in basing her decision on a randomly selected number. Again, it's weird how she looks very pretty sometimes. Now, not so much. Kelly says that, to be honest, she agrees with Ethan that it was silly, but she didn't want to put in "the mental effort." She knew that the choose-a-number approach "would make them squirm a little bit." Bryant then asks Frank, T-Bird, and Kimp whether they wanted the S2 to say anything in particular during the Tribal Council confessions, or if their minds were already made up. Teresa said she'd long ago told Ethan, "If it can't be me, then you're my man." She leans over, jabs her knee in his back, and through gritted teeth says, "Didn't I say that earlier?" He slumpily agrees. Bryant asks Kimp what ultimately helped her decide to vote for Kimj, and Kimp says she loved Kimj's "really sweet answer." She lists a few semi-earnest admirable qualities of Kimj in return for Kimj's earlier flattery, and calls Kimj "a real role model." Frank evidently voted for Ethan because "he's a soccer player."
Bryant points out that Silas said early in the game that Survivor was "90% luck, 10% skill," and wants to know Ethan's opinion of that analysis. Ethan thinks that 90% is on the high side, but he agrees that luck is involved. He comments that "the whole switcheroo thing" was very unlucky for some people, particularly Silas. Ethan says that Silas was "a fish out of water" when he joined the Boran tribe, and that could have happened to anyone. Bryant asks the S16 whether the best player won, and Ethan says he thinks so, which gets a laugh. Kimj and Lex Loser agree that Ethan was the best, but Tom says, "Well, ah thought ah was the best player!" He adds that he had an alliance with Ethan and Lex Loser, and that since he couldn't win, he's glad one of them did.
As we go to commercial, there's Rudy! Tina's there, too, but who cares? Hi Rudy! Hi Rudy's wife! Sigh. I miss Rudy.
Tom is really fat on his audition tape. As he drives a tractor being chased by dogs and goats, he yells that they're all going to be stars. Bryant "That's Not What I Meant!" Gumbel asks Tom about the tape, and Tom says, "Well, ah thought I was gon' be a star but I, ar, did all right!" Bryant tells him he is a star, and Tom says he has great friends; he couldn't ask for anything more. Bryant says they've dubbed the segment "Friends and Enemies," but he knows there are no real enemies among the S16. He then asks Ethan what he meant in Africa when he said he was surrounded by people but still felt alone. Ethan is perhaps somewhat shell-shocked as he explains that no matter how tight the alliances or friendships seemed, he was always aware of the game. He never really felt like he could totally trust any of the S16, because ultimately each of them wanted to win.
Bryant awkwardly segues from the "last man standing" to the first woman kicked off. He wants to know whether being the first voted off was embarrassing for Diane, and she says it was and it wasn't. She was relieved because she felt sick; she thinks Survivor was too hard for her, so getting voted off wasn't that bothersome. Bryant wants to know whether she thinks she would have lasted longer if she hadn't taken Boran's map. Diane blames the dumping of the water, but I thought Kimj had done that. Bryant says, "You were the first one to faint; Jessie, you were the first one to -- " "Throw up!" Jessie yells. She raises her hand and acts very happy about having publicly vomited. Bryant wants to know whether she was unprepared for Africa, and Jessie answers that the gourd water didn't settle well in her stomach. She looks much more attractive now than she did when puke was spewing from her cracked, chapped lips. Silas then cuts into the conversation and starts saying that Diane shouldn't be disappointed in herself because she was selected out of 50,000 people just to be on Survivor. He says he's very proud of Diane, but he's no Kel Gleason. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.
Bryant "The Tyrant" Gumbel says that "Diane's plight" brings the discussion around to the first "cringe moment" of the season -- the bean thievery. Bryant can't believe Tom's comment, which he repeats: "'If I had a gun I'd shoot you'?" Tom's quick on the uptake and responds, "Did ah steal your beans?" Hee. Bryant wants to know whether Boran's reaction was over-the-top, and Clarence yells, "Hell, yeah!" Tom says he didn't overreact, and it was just a comment. Lex Loser demonstrates that he's more self-aware than we saw on the show by adding, "If he didn't shoot him, I would have cut his throat." I don't know why, after tormenting us for twelve episodes, Lex Loser chooses now to seem remotely likable. Bryant "Don't Be a Menace to Beverly Hills While Drinkin' Your Cosmopolitan in a Hoodie" Gumbel says of Boran's reaction to Clarence's bean-eating that there were lots of people at home saying to themselves, "Yo! I would not take that." Clarence, who looks a good deal like Malcolm Jamal-Warner (a.k.a. Theo from The Cosby Show), says he was crazy from hunger and "lost all ability to think rationally." The others hoot and holler at him in mockery. Clarence insists that he could only think about how he was starving, and he couldn't believe "these people was [sic] yellin' at me." He says he ate a few beans, and then he wanted more. Then he finally gets to use the line he's been rehearsing since getting kicked off: "I haven't seen white people that mad since O.J. got acquitted!" Tom defends Clarence by adding that the two of them worked closely together after the incident, and Clarence "took it like a man." He says he and Clarence are now "as tight as" any of the other contestants.
Bryant wants to know whether Frank and Brandon can say the same thing of their relationship; Brandon insists, "We're good friends! Yeah, we're friendly." Frank just nods his head. A clip of the movie date plays, and Tom really enjoys it. Bryant points out Brandon's "antipathy" as he cites the time Brandon said he'd rather be gone in three days than have anyone think he'd taken Frank's side. Brandon comments that he was gone in three days, and then says it's hard to spend so much time out there with a person so different from you, particularly when "you hate somebody so much." Bryant thinks "hate" is a strong word and Brandon says, "It's a good word, though." He thinks it's a "real word." For the record, I'd vastly enjoy Regis and Brandon. Brandon explains that when they returned to the U.S., Frank "put his daughters on the phone," and Brandon saw Frank as a real person for the first time. He says he couldn't stand Frank while they were in Africa, but that Frank wasn't the only one. In fact, Brandon says, Frank was "just one of many I didn't like out there." Hee.
Bryant "Clark Kent" Gumbel asks how Frank categorizes his feelings for Brandon; Frank, who still has a stick -- make that a Survivor torch -- up his ass, says that Brandon is just another human being. They coexisted, but Frank didn't "agree with his lifestyle." Bryant slaps him down: "Yeah, but he wasn't asking you about his lifestyle." Frank says that Brandon "just existed," and adds, "Besides, there was no hunting allowed there, so I couldn't do anything about it," which I suppose some people could take the wrong way. Bryant wants to know whether Frank intensely disliked Brandon, and Frank says he didn't; Brandon looks incredulous. Frank thinks he and Brandon needed to keep their "distance and space." Frank adds that people assumed that he hated Brandon, but then Bryant points out that Carl is sitting right behind him nodding his head. Bryant says that Carl, Linda, and Teresa also didn't get along with the other Samburus. Carl insists, "Had I not taken Frank to the water hole for a break, he would have killed [Brandon]." Frank laughs, but not really.
Bryant segues to a discussion of the generational split amongst the Samburu tribe, and refers to the older group as "The Geritol Gang." He quotes Kimp as having said that Oldskool should have handled the situation better and found a way to work with Playskool. Linda says that the split was their downfall, but that the two alliances formed so immediately and completely that they could do nothing about it. She concludes, "That's why there are no Samburu people sitting in the front row." Teresa insists that they did try; she says that even when the tribes were "swapped," they attempted to pull together. With a steely smile, she says, "I think the tribal elders -- we like to say 'tribal elders' instead of 'The Geritol Gang' -- we did our best to try to pull it together." Bryant "Prepare for Judgment" Gumbel then turns and snarks, "Lindsey, why were you so nasty to 'em?" Lindsey charmlessly excuses herself; she wants Bryant to address all of the young people as "nasty." She claims that there are many different stories floating around, and insists that "what really happened out there" was just a series of misunderstandings. Things happened really fast; one minute they thought they were doing the right thing, and the minute they were questioning those acts. She says she panicked a lot and became paranoid, "not to mention the emotional outburst and the whining," and wanted to stay with the people she thought would protect her. She says the dynamic just "turned nasty," and that nobody wanted it to or meant for it to happen. It was "not intentional by any means," but there was no turning back.
Bryant asks whether anyone in the group didn't have or try for an alliance. Clarence raises his hand and looks really proud of himself for not having been smart enough to get into alliance, but he's kind of ducking, too. Jessie also has her hand raised, and Bryant calls on her because she's pretty. Not that Clarence isn't pretty, but not in the same way. Jessie claims that she never watched Survivor before being on the show, so she was "totally unprepared." Not to mention totally stupid. Bryant "In the Language of Love I'm Fluent" Gumbel dismisses her: "Six days, adios!" Clarence says it was a funny situation, "'cause after [he] stole that food, just nobody liked [him] for a little while." Hee. Bryant now offers to make all of them disappear for a little while, but assures us they'll come back to discuss the "hardships of Africa." It should be a nice, short discussion anyway.
In New York City, Ethan's friends cheer him on every Thursday. Ethan sits up briefly to wave at them, then resumes his slump.
In her audition tape, Lindsey rides her bike naked and repeats, "I think I can, I think I can, I know I can! Whew-hoo!" She says she can do "this Survivor stuff," and that we want her to be on Survivor. Except we didn't. And don't. Both front and back views are pixelated, and she has a muddy-looking flower drawn between her breasts but not covering them. Bryant "Pitching a Tent" Gumbel says they watched "the original" (meaning the unpixelated version?) upstairs. He wants to know, "What were you thinking?" A man in the audience looks very uncomfortable as he stands with his arms crossed. At first I think this is Lindsey's disapproving father, but later I realize it's B.B. from Pulau Tiga, who's just disapproving in general. Lindsey insists that she was painted and then snipes, "What? Are you asking why I did it?" She says she had no idea how to get on the show because she'd never really watched it and didn't know what the audition tapes were like. Her friends thought she should show her "athletic endeavors," but "athletic endeavors" aren't exactly the words I'd use to describe what was just exhibited. In any case, Lindsey says she made a tape of herself snowboarding and mountain biking, but three days before the due date she realized it was lame. So instead, a friend who insisted that Lindsey needed to stand out, body-painted her.
Bryant wants to know if it's fair to say that Africa was harder than Lindsey expected. The S16 agree that it was, and Lindsey says that as an athlete, she regularly competes in a tough sports, but nothing could have prepared her for the Survivor experience. Bryant reads back a quote of Lex Loser's in which he said, "Not a single one of us came here thinking the danger was gonna be real." Lex Loser remembers telling his friends before he left that Survivor was "reality TV": "Half of it's reality; half of it's TV." He says the Survivors were "universally shocked" to discover that the animal dangers in Africa were completely real. He'd expected the challenges to be "like little Olympic games or whatever," and then cites the boulder-rolling challenge as an example. He says the boulder was so heavy that he thought if he fell and it rolled over his head, he'd be crushed "like a walnut." A clip shows Kimj and Kelly being rolled over with absolutely no result. Lex Loser says that at that point, he realized they could die out there. He says the game was "brutally hard," and the first thing he told his friends when he got home was how much harder Survivor is than it appears on television. As a fan, he used to think the game was hard, but also "just television," and once again he insists, "It's hard!" Lex Loser said the word "hard" about fifteen times in that segment. Bryant then remembers when Kimp cried because of the proximity of the lions outside their boma. She insists that she could see them -- their eyes and "their breath." Bryant points out that most people believe that if the lion had really gotten near the fence, a "Mark Burnett rocket" would have taken the animal out. Kimp says that Mark Burnett was sleeping very soundly that night, and insists that the lion was three feet away. She tells Bryant, "It was Ethan and I, the picket fence, and the lion, and that's for real." She doesn't know what would have happened if the lion had tried to jump the boma, but then "of course, Big Tom to the rescue." Big Tom looks proud as Bryant repeats, "Always Big Tom to the rescue!"
An audience member now has a question for Big Tom; Big Tom tells her to "bring it on!" She asks about his boil, and he responds that it's "busted, gone, forgot about." He's in good shape now, he says. A clip shows The Boil That Shall Have No Name, and Bryant "Compliment, Shmompliment" Gumbel says it was ugly and disgusting.
Bryant now wants to discuss Survivor hardships that go beyond the environment. He thinks it must have been hard not to have water around for relief, or to be able to take a solitary walk. Wouldn't these exclusions qualify as environmental hardships? Kelly says that the experience was "really intense," and that it was a twenty-four-hour-a-day game. She says she couldn't even go to sleep because "people were up talkin' about [her] all night." And also, because the CIA was chasing her for selling government secrets, and because every time she closed her eyes, a little green monkey ate her share of the cornmeal. Although she had to be on her toes constantly because of all these threats, she says it was a wild, enjoyable ride. Bryant asks Carl about a quote in which he said he wouldn't have gone on the show if it had been set somewhere else, like Chile. Carl says Africa was definitely the allure, but that it was very tough. He says his tribe struggled, and "CBS wasn't there handin' out water bottles to us." Bryant asks if he thought there would be, and Carl says he didn't, but clearly he kind of did. Bryant points out that Frank considered the game easy and even called it "Vegetarian Survivor." Carl calls Frank a liar and insists that it was challenging. Someone makes a comment about Frank and Afghanistan but I can't make it out. Frank tells Bryant that he didn't care about the animals or the heat; the hardest part for him was the people. Bryant exclaims, "No, 'cause you were out there talkin' to the elephants!" Frank says people could get to him, but the animals couldn't. Bryant asks if Frank really believed he could communicate with elephants and Frank answers, "Absolutely. You can communicate with anything if you try hard enough." If you tried hard enough, Franker, could you communicate with me? And that joke is only funny if you've seen Meet the Parents. But maybe not even then. In any case, Tom trumpets like an elephant, and says if they're talking about hardships, he thinks going thirty-nine days without "tie-let paper" deserves a mention. He says everyone thinks Survivor is just like the Holiday Inn, but really, simple little everyday things become a challenge.
Bryant "Inward Bound" Gumbel says that the experience was not all about hardships, and insists that "the place is somewhat magical." He thinks the "cultural experience" has to be a major reward of being on Survivor, and cites as an example the goat-bartering reward won by Lex Loser and Ethan. And now, a moment of silence for the goats who have certainly since met their untimely demise on a dinner plate. Pause. Bryant says they've done some research on the price of goats in the Wamba marketplace. Lex Loser and Ethan pretend not to remember what they paid, but are then forced to reveal that they think it was around $1,800 for two goats. Bryant says they'll be happy to know that a goat's list value is between $700 and $900, so they got "top dollar." Ethan adds, "But the french fries that we bought...those aren't worth, like, $1,400!" Bryant points out that Lex Loser had another "topper" of an experience when he visited Wamba Hospital. Lex Loser says it may sound like a cliché, but the day really was "life-changing." He says that while he was watching the episode, people kept calling to congratulate him on winning the truck, but he was far more excited about seeing the hospital again. I originally had a comment here about Lex Loser being happy to see more sick people, but his hypnotic powers may have finally penetrated my television screen. Lex Loser calls "the good Italian doctor there" a saint, and claims that he couldn't help being changed by the experience. Bryant points out that the experience was also special to two other cast members, since Linda and Teresa each lost a brother to AIDS. Bryant thinks that "it had to be a very special moment." Linda wasn't even there, but she manages to make it about herself: she says that when she was voted out, she worked with a health-care clinic that focused on AIDS awareness and family planning, and she was fortunate enough to have spent two weeks "traveling around with nurses who, uh, were caring for sick people." Teresa had tears in her eyes when Lex Loser was driving off in the Avalanche, and Bryant says, "You really wanted that." Teresa tells the group that from the moment she saw the supplies, she cried, but they were tears of joy because the medicine and tests were so necessary and would be put to good use. She was glad that Lex Loser was the one to go because "unlike his reputation through all this, he's a very sensitive, wonderful guy." If it couldn't be her, it was perfect that he went as the group's representative, she says. Lex Loser says that Teresa's first words to Lex Loser upon his return were extremely supportive, and that her tears were truly of joy.
And now Bryant says we'll have our only plug of the night, but for the record I count three more. Brandon says that on January 24 at "[his] bar," all sixteen survivors will join him for a "huge event" to benefit his AIDS charity in Dallas. Bryant clarifies that Frank is indeed among the sixteen who will be attending, and they all clap for no other reason than that they think they're supposed to. A final note on the subject, and Plug #2: Survivor fans can now help give to AIDS research and those suffering from the disease "and also have a piece of Survivor history." Bryant tells the audience that many of the props for the show will be up for auction on eBay, including the torches, voting urn, and the immunity idol. Proceeds will benefit the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Clapping because Survivor Is Good.
There's a part-AY! in Tom's hometown of Rich Valley, Virginia tonight. The youngest son from Malcolm in the Middle may or may not be there. I bet they got crazy with the clogging and the cow-tipping.
We see Kimp's audition tape, in which she flirtatiously offers the casting crew a glimpse of her private red rose tattoo if they pick her for the show. Bryant "What a Gent" Gumbel turns into Elmer Fudd as he says, "Oh Kim, Miss Wed Wed Wose, Whewe is it?" Kimp answers that Big Tom knows, and Big Tom says, "I kiss but I don't tell." Bryant wants to know what Big Tom's wife thinks of all this, and Kimp says she also knows where the tattoo is, and "she's not too upset."
Bryant now wants to know how conscious the S16 were, when they were in Africa, of the way they'd be portrayed on television. Silas thinks it's an interesting question. He says that, like Lex Loser and Teresa, he was out there to win, and it wasn't a team game. He wasn't aware of how his actions were being perceived and presented to those back home, but Linda disagrees. She says the cameras were rolling 24/7, and she was definitely aware of their presence. Not aware enough, however, to avoid insulting Lindsey's mother and coming off as a hug-pushing, spirit-happy freak. Brandon says the cameras became such a regular part of his life that he forgot after the first three days that they were there, and Clarence says, "And if you get real hungry, it don't matter!" During this exchange, they're mostly talking to and interacting with each other as opposed to paying any attention to the camera, and it's a nice change. Brandon says he noticed the presence of the still photographer because his camera made a clicking noise, but overall the video cameras were "second nature."
Bryant then asks Brandon about having gone on Survivor "to make a statement." Brandon says he hates "twentysomething gay people on TV right now" because he never sees himself but instead sees "really promiscuous people" caught up in "this whole party scene." He wanted to prove that he could be flamboyant and have a good time and not be part of that lifestyle. He acknowledges that he didn't succeed in proving that point and instead came off as "a raving bitch." We see a clip of Brandon flailing while shooting a flaming arrow and then prancing around in fear as it lands at his feet. Brandon handles the embarrassing clip well and is definitely able to laugh at himself, which is critical if he's going to work with Regis.
Bryant "I Call People Dumb" Gumbel points out that Kelly also had an agenda in terms of her portrayal; he says she didn't want to be viewed as "the sexy one like Jerri," or "the sweet one like Elisabeth," or the "dumb one like Amber." The audience makes "low blow" noises over this comment, and Brandon covers his mouth in faux dismay. A shot of Mitchell and Jerri in the audience reveal that Mitchell has abandoned the top hat and tails and now looks just like Kevyn Aucoin. Kelly says she'd done a lot of research on gender and the media and the way women are portrayed; she says most women fall into one of two roles on television -- the villain or the ingenue -- but she just wanted to go out there and come off as a real person. She planned to use whatever skills she had, which she claims are "few and far between," as well as her intellect, just to have good time. Bryant points out that Lindsey was disappointed with her portrayal; she responds that it was hard to take at first, because she made a lot of friends in Africa, and she didn't think she was mean or evil or did anything that would come across as bad, but admits that she definitely had her moments. She blames her actions on letting emotions get the best of her. She then gets emotional again, and Bryant tells her just to let it all out. She's wearing a "No Whining" shirt, by the way. But she's a strong competitor, so don't think a scrawny little t-shirt will get in her way.
Bryant "How Come?" Gumbel then wants to know what's up with Lex Loser's fascination with tattoos. Lex Loser responds that "much to the chagrin" of his parents, he started wanting body art at the age of five. He says he waited a while before getting his first tattoo, but it's since become an addiction.. A shot of the audience reveals that Lex Loser's wife's arm is covered with creepy happy-faced red and orange stars. Lex Loser says his children can get tattoos when they turn eighteen, and it looks like his child snaps to attention and says, "I can?!" to his mother. Bryant is surprised that Lex Loser has set an age limit, and Lex Loser says it's the law. Besides, if he had gotten tattoos before he was eighteen, he thinks he'd have an "Iron Maiden rocker" on his chest and "a bunch of stuff I probably don't want!" He then jokes that if he'd gotten a tattoo when he'd first developed an interest, he'd have a giant Captain Kangaroo in the middle of his chest. That alone, however, might have gotten him selected for the show.
Bryant says we'll talk about "images and perceptions and how often both can be at odds with reality." Isn't that what the last section was about? But first, "Big Tom gets his big break!" Bryant announces "an encore performance" for those who missed Tom's clogging debut in Africa. The S16 try to moan and groan over it, but it's clear they love it when he starts up. He's dancing and singing another "Old Big Tom" song, and maybe this schtick will play itself out at some point, but I'm still amused. Plus, it reminds of me of O Brother, Where Art Thou?, and that reminds me of George Clooney.
The segment opens with Clarence's audition-tape tighty whities, and Bryant "I'm Insolent" Gumbel wants Clarence to stand up because thinks Clarence has the best abs of any of the cast members to date. Clarence practically leaps from his seat at the chance to strip down for the cameras again. Lindsey, meanwhile, is anxiously pointing out Kimp, and Bryant says, "Oh yeah, Kim's got better abs?" Bryant wants her to "show 'em off, baby!" but she takes a pass. It's not like we haven't seen them before. Or won't see them again.
Somehow this segues to the fact that "Survivor's on the move again," and it's time for a sneak peek. Bryant claims that the season is "in a place both exotic and dangerous and about as far from civilization as one can get" as we go to the video. Just Peachy makes his first appearance -- even if it's just voice-over -- as we learn that the setting will be in the Marquesas, a "mystical island" in the South Pacific. It has dangerous sea life; it has "a history steeped in superstition and violence"; it doesn't have Rudy, Rodger, or Big Tom, though, so they'll have to try pretty hard to gain my allegiance. To keep things exciting, the new S16 will be given no rations -- no food, water, or fire -- whatsoever, although they will get "the most basic of essentials." Like magnifying glasses and food auctions. Work together; new society, battling the elements: by now, we've got it down. But the new logo is pretty funky-looking, and it does look like a beautiful place. ["It starts February 28. So soon!" -- Wing Chun]
The S16 seem really psyched for the new season. Bryant "Try to Change the Channel and you Choke; Try to Walk Away and you Stumble" Gumbel asks who among them would go on the show again if given the chance, and it looks like they all would except maybe Brandon. Clarence has some trouble with the no-rations rule, and it seems clear to me that he's trying to get some kind of commercial deal with Ponderosa, or some other all-you-care-to-eat chain or fine dining establishment that allows patrons to "super-size."
As the show winds up, Bryant wants to know whether it helps to have watched other seasons of the show. He cites Brandon, Kelly, and Linda as the biggest Survivor fans going into the competition, and Brandon responds, "You can see where we ended up." The S16 all talk at once because they realize that camera time is running out, and their fifteen minutes are drawing to a close. Silas thinks "the least [sic] you know the better," but Kelly believes that some prior knowledge "helps you jump in out there." Silas disagrees again; he insists that worrying about strategy and making plans "totally kills you" and that "flying under the radar" is the best way to compete. I have no idea what being under the radar has to do with having watched seasons, but whatever. Bryant puts on the smackdown and says, "With all due respect, let me hear from the front row on this." Ethan earnestly says that having watched the seasons helped him figure out "which way to go." He makes a point of saying he didn't watch "religiously, but as we learn from the Back from Africa special (Plug #3: recap coming soon to Mighty Big TV), Silas did. Bryant responds, "Maybe, maybe, maybe...you watched Rudy" and "figured out just how to do it correctly." We then see Rudy in the audience again. He gets a special greeting from Bryant "My New Best Friend" Gumbel, who says, "There's Rudy with us today. Nice seein' you, Rudy!" Nice seeing you, indeed! The Happy Music of We Got to See Rudy Again plays as we go to commercial. La la la la la la la la la.
week: the survivors are back from Africa!
Lex Loser plays drums and demonstrates counting on his audition tape. He acts very punk. Bryant points out that Lex Loser's band Lucky Dog got an album contract, which is followed by Plug #4: buy Lucky Dog's new album.
In closing Bryant wants to know how difficult it will be to return to normal life. Lex Loser thinks celebrity is a blast. He says people get excited to see him, and that as a people person, it's a dream. But "if you're not a people person," he warns, "it's a nightmare." Bryant awkwardly adds, "And you make friends to last a lifetime," which has nothing to do with what Lex Loser just said. Ethan gets the last word, and Bryant wants to know how he'll spend the money. Ethan answers, "Well, I owe my brothers probably about twenty-seven years' worth of birthday presents...so I think I'm gonna start there." ["I was sorry that he reused that line at the end of his appearance on Letterman." -- Wing Chun] He also starts to say he's going to do something good with it, but then Bryant "I Haven't Heard the Sound of My Voice in a While" Gumbel interrupts to force Ethan to say that Survivor has been a dream come true. Plug #5: set your VCRs for The Early Show. Bryant thanks and congratulates them all, including Diane. He should really be congratulating me for making it through three hours -- and three seasons -- of this stuff, Wing Chun for editing the crap I write (and for allowing me to keep writing it), and all of you for persevering through the episodes and recaps.