Previously on Survivor: Ethan went home with a million dollars, and Kimj went home with her highly overrated self-respect. Lex Loser demonstrated a semblance of self-awareness during the SurvivorReunion with Bryant "See You Season" Gumbel, and Lindsey demonstrated no such thing.
Peachy voice-overs that, tonight, in the "Back from Africa" special, we'll take our "final adventure into the private lives of sixteen survivors." As much as I enjoyed Big Tom's antics, I'd prefer to stay far, far away from his "private" anythings.
The words "One Life-Changing Adventure" flash across the screen at the conclusion of the familiar credits, along with clips of the S16 at their homes, going about their business. Just to be clear: not "doing" their business. Peachy shows up on the Tribal Council set, looking very Euro-chic in head-to-toe black. That's not a compliment. He tells us that, tonight, we'll go beyond the game and "deeper into the lives" of the S16 "from the unexpected, to the revealing, to the families they came home to." The "unexpected," "revealing," and "families" mentions are each punctuated with a brief snippet we'll see again later, so I won't explain them out of context here. Except it bears repeating that Ethan's mother only cringes "a little" when her friends use the words "sexy" and "her son" in the same sentence.
Peachy tells us that the survivors have different ways of keeping their memories of Africa alive. We learn that Lex Loser brought back "a couple of baboon teeth." Except I thought Peachy said baboon teats at first, which would be so nasty. Then Kelly brags about having stolen Clarence's war paints. Our journey tonight, however, will begin with a man who picked "a more unusual way" to remember his tribemates.
Tom "Da Bomb" Buchanan stands amidst a crowd of animals and asks, "And Kim Johnson...where's that old goat at?" It turns out Tom has named his cattle after each of the S16. They're actually wearing name tags. Tom tells us that the animals share some of the same "cowacteristics" with their namesakes. I don't think he intended the pun. Seeing the animals in Africa was one of the greatest experiences of Tom's life. A clip from the hot-air balloon ride plays, and if I wanted to see crappy old clips, I'd just wait for the "special."
Now Tom is at a party. He's walking like an Egyptian on the dance floor while people cheer for him. There's a whole bluegrass band at this party. In a confessional, he tells us that he likes all kinds of music, and that he knows "about one line o' every song." He continues, "Ah like music. Ah like to dance," as we see him cutting a rug with his wife. He grew up with bluegrass, though, and so he loves it the most. Tom's wife Sandy looks like a tiny woman, but then again she's standing to Tom. She tells us that Tom has always gotten along well with the ladies, and that she's never seen a woman Tom couldn't talk to. This is followed by a clip of Tom flirting with the tick in Lindsey's ass, and with Kimp's bikini top. Sandy thinks Tom is witty. I'd definitely use the word "funny" to describe Tom, but "witty" implies some degree of intellect. Ominous music plays as we see a clip of Big Tom during a Tribal Council approaching the voting urn. He tells us in a voice-over that spelling makes him feel uncomfortable. As we see him cast his vote for "C.B." he tells us, "I couldn't spell 'Clarence.' I put 'C.B.'!" He continues, "There I am. Forty-six-year-old. On national TV. Can't spell!" He tells us that decided to start a reading program back in the U.S. called "Reading is the Key to Survival" because of his own difficulties with literacy. Tom hugs a child and gets really excited about a picture the child drew -- he likes its feathers. Sandy says that Tom realized he could do something useful within their community to motivate children to learn to read, and Tom thinks, "If I can help one kid do better than me, I'm glad it embarrassed me." Tom frolics with his goats and encourages them to "come to Daddy!" He probably uses that line on the Kimp goat all the time. As we complete the Big Tom segment (and thus the humorous portion of our show), Tom tells us, "I'm still not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm still in the shed!" He says he's happy to be home -- even happier than he was before he left for Africa.
Kim "Fight the" Powers shops in a fruit market in a leather jacket and cute hat while the quirky song of "I'm Feisty Even Though my Life Sucks" plays in the background. Since she's been back from Africa, the job market has been difficult, and she's been forced to take small jobs -- even as a dog walker -- because she needs the cash. This confessional is accompanied by a sped-up clip of Kimp being dragged down the sidewalk by a dog. The dog poops, and Kimp looks sad. Kimp tells us she'd also taken up babysitting, and this, too, comes with a fast-motion clip of Kimp rocking behind a child on one of those springy playground animals. These clips have the effect of making Kimp seem even more pathetic, and then the little girl joins in the cause by yelling at Kimp to get off the playground animal. Kimp shows us a little heart necklace, which was her luxury item in Africa. She's dyed her hair red, and it's not very flattering. And the cut looked better on Alyson Hanigan two seasons ago on Buffy. Kimp says the necklace has special meaning to her because it was a gift from her brother; she wore it to every Tribal Council. We see a picture of a very happy-looking, normal-haired Kimp being hugged by a wistful-looking young man. How do they always find the wistful-looking pictures of dead people? If I were to die suddenly, I'm not sure there exist any pictures of me looking wistful. In any case, Kimp tells us that her brother was killed in 1998 in a tragic accident. Incidentally, there are lots of dead brothers amongst the Survivor cast. Kimp tells us that Lex Loser slightly resembles her brother, and every once in a while in Africa she'd glance at Lex Loser and see her brother instead; she felt like he was there making sure she was okay. Seems like, as a college-degreed professional dog walker, she could use him around now, as well. Kimp says that Survivor wasn't about winning a million dollars or being on television. Rather, she says, the competition was between "me and myself." I bet "I" feels very left out. We see various clips of Kimp being a strong competitor. She tells us Big Tom nicknamed her "Little Bit" because his first thought upon seeing her was, "That little bit of a girl is gonna make it out here in Africa?" She was bothered when people doubted her because of her size, and insists that she gave Survivor her all; she says she could always be counted on and was a strong competitor. Having prevailed over the nasty little girl, Kimp now sits on the springy animal and tries to be taken seriously at the same time. She tells us she's learned a lot about herself, and took a great deal away from the game, but that there were times when she wanted to stop playing and go home. Kimp climbs the Rocky steps in Philly and acts like a champion. Except Rocky Balboa would have never let himself get kicked off a playground animal by a three-year-old.
We're now in Winter Springs, Florida and the whole world smiles with Carl "Fuggotabouthim" Bilancione as he floats in a pool. We see clips of him working on patients; a tacky woman smiles at herself in the mirror. Carl's hair is back to gray this week, and it looks better than the brown it was last week. He tells us he loves dentistry because once he's in the dentist role, he doesn't think about anything else. He does not, however, call dentistry "an art." Besides, I thought for sure what he'd love about dentistry was repeatedly sticking his hands into the grubby mouths of strangers. You've got to wonder about the dentists. Carl drives and tells us that he cruises home each day from work with tunes playing on the radio. Because he's cool. We see the butt-end of the infamous Porsche, and then clips are replayed of Carl telling Samburu about his various automobiles. From the pool, Carl recounts the story; he says he knew that Silas was trying to suggest that he didn't need the money. Back behind the wheel, Carl posits that it's true that "little boys grow up to be men with bigger toys." Another clip shows Carl in Africa claiming that having a Porsche is not a big deal. Then he shouldn't make a big deal out of it, should he? In the pool once again, he tells us that he's worked his entire life to get to his current status. He's not embarrassed because that's "what defines America," and insists, "I feel I epitomize the American dream in my own right." Now Carl sits in his dentist's chair and masturbates while looking at slides of gingivitis. Okay, not so much. But he is in the dentist's chair, and he tells us that he read Walt Disney's autobiography at the age of twelve and learned his life's credo: "If you can dream it, you can do it." He says he dreamed he'd be on Survivor , and that the experience changed him. He doesn't say he dreamed of winning the game, which is an important distinction. Carl's son Brian tells us that Africa changed his father -- he's more willing now to listen to people. Carl tells us, "My wife said she should have sent me twenty years ago. It made me a nicer person." He laughs, even though it's more sad then funny. Carl's wife Deborah -- who looks like the end result of Darva Conger, Laura Dern, Linda Tripp, and a MAC counter girl falling into a blender -- tells us that Carl came back from Africa sweeter and kinder. She brags that he missed her a lot, and that his actions show it. Carl clichés about life being short; he shoots for baskets and pretends they're stars.
When we come back from the commercial, it's Lindsey's "darkest hour." Bring it on!
Peachy struts about the set in his basic black and tells us that "Survivor has a way of making strange bedfellows." The group we'll visit includes "one old-fashioned guy, two strong-willed women, and someone who clearly is a different drummer."
This segues to Lex "Da Plane! Da Plane!" van den Berghe playing drums in Santa Cruz, California. He insists that his life prior to Survivor was a good life, and he doesn't want us to take that the wrong way. He doesn't seem to know we've been taking him the wrong way the whole season. He says he spent ten to twelve years working in the high-tech industry and "goin' out and catchin' a good surf," but he never felt he was cut out "for that kind of ordinary life." I, on the other hand, have always known I'd be average. Lex Loser points out "some good tattoos," including a devil's head, a Catholic schoolgirl, and a "samurai snake." Just as I'm thinking I'd much rather see the bad tattoos, he points out his two favorites, which have been drawn by his sons: there's a little stick figure that's supposed to be Lex Loser, and an insect of the multipede variety. He also has the names of his sons tattooed on his stomach, and one of their middle names is "Elvis." There's a little too much Lex Loser belly goin' on throughout this segment. He tells us he celebrated his tenth wedding anniversary, when he returned from Africa, with a new tattoo. It's on his stomach: it's a skull, dice, and what appear to be some entrails. His wife has the same tattoo on the back of her neck. "We're freaks!" he proudly proclaims.
Lex Loser tells us he was "stoked" to come home and see his family. He shows us his luxury item -- his son's baby shoes -- and says they'll now occupy a special place in his home. River agrees that he remembers learning to walk in the shoes; that's unlikely, but I'm not calling him a liar. Lex Loser sits cross-legged and says that the only thing that's ever been important to him is his family and friends. That's two things, actually, and I'd say he'd have to add tattoos as a third. He tells us he's been in his band Lucky Dog for almost twenty years. He brags that they play "all original music," but I like a good cover, myself. He also says they have a good time doing it -- which is good, since twenty years is a long time -- and that it's always been a huge part of his life. Lex Loser preaches that Africa is "nothing like the States." He says that you might as well have dropped the sixteen of them "on Mars or on the moon," but I don't think that would have made a difference to most of them, since it's where they came from in the first place. Lex Loser didn't anticipate the dangers of Survivor; he thought it would be difficult, but he didn't think they would ever be in harm's way. As he talks of the unanticipated dangers -- threatening animals, a poor water supply -- we see clips from Africa. Lex Loser says that the drinking water made him sick, and that he spent his first few weeks at home in bed; as he says this, a dog bounds over him. Lex Loser's doctor found "no less than four parasites and a couple of different bacteria" upon his return, but that's not a fair study, since there's no control. If Lex Loser went to Africa with thirteen parasites and five kinds of bacteria, then he did pretty well out there. Lex Loser laughs over the fact that he has to take a dozen pills every day. He tells us he is still dealing with having spent forty days in such a dangerous, "real" place. It's not just the Africa of fairy tales, people. People always ask Lex Loser whether he had fun during Survivor, and whether he would do it again. He says he had the time of his life and would do it again in a heartbeat. A seal basks and barks in the sun symbolizing...well, I have no idea, but something, obviously, in Mark Burnett's twisted mind.
Who would really notice or care if I skipped the segment on Linda "Didn't Your Momma Never Teach You Not to Hug People by Force?" Spencer? I'd actually be doing the reading audience a service, but as your trusty recapper, alas, I cannot. Linda tells us that going on Survivor and being in Kenya were very important to her. She blathers on about the African spirits in a clip, and she's still blathering now. Incidentally, she means a whole different kind of African spirits than the kind Big Tom enjoyed while there. She says she felt protected in Africa, and that life is different for her now. She insists that she's still the same person, and then we see the "Did your momma never hug ya?" clip, which seems like the juxtapository work of a particularly malicious editor. No complaints here. Linda says she's undergone "a transformation" as she does yoga. She's calmer now, and more focused on what's important -- family and friends -- as we see her helping her son with homework. Linda's husband James wasn't surprised that Linda wanted to do Survivor; he's seen her interests escalate from "race walking to rollerblading to mountain climbing...now yoga." He says she is very passionate about her interests.
A discussion of Linda's cancer calls for rainy weather. She says she felt like her life was spinning out of control after her diagnosis, so she decided to climb Mount Rainier. We see pictures of Linda on various summits as she voice-overs that it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. I thought that was a pretty cool expression. When I was twelve. For Linda, though, "it's really a metaphor for how [she tries] to live [her] life." Linda's son Jared says she always has a positive attitude and tells him to strive for his dreams. Dreams, in this case, constitute the drinking of cow's blood as we see the clip of blood-lusty Linda. Her son, by the way, could fall into the "shifty" category, as well. Linda says she didn't go on Survivor for fortune or fame, which is a good thing because she's not getting either of those. Instead she wanted "an exciting, interesting, and challenging adventure." Her experiences on the show taught her to pursue her dreams, and that "life is the ultimate adventure." She says we should all "go for it!"
Lindsey "My Life's an Embarrassing Moment" Richter snowboards and cheers for herself in Mt. Hood, Oregon. It's good that she's cheering for herself, because there's no one else to do it for her. She tells us that before Survivor, her life was a monotonous routine of working out, training on her bike, and flying back and forth to see her boyfriend. She sits to him in a car and says, "I hope my boyfriend doesn't wake up some mornings and think, 'God! What is to me?'" He doesn't even crack a smile beside her, because he's too busy wondering how she read his mind. They kiss showily, and then Lindsey tells us she was ready for something "big and exciting" to turn her life around. The clip they show suggests she got a big and exciting tick in her ass. Lindsey's father Peter says, "Lindsey is who she is," and "what you see is what you get," and that sums up her personality. He doesn't say anything about that being a good thing. We see a soccer picture of Lindsey from when she was little as she tells us in a voice-over that she's competitive, emotional, and intense. She says of her feelings in Africa: "I just went back and forth from one to another!" We see Lindsey whining about her kidneys, and a gratuitous clip of Frank saying, "Barbie went down in Africa." This is followed by the "No wonder I have cramps!" clip, and Lindsey tells us now, "That was a great moment, wasn't it?" She says it was one of the most embarrassing moments of her life; this proclamation is accompanied by Frank snarling that they're not at the mall. She calls the comment a "big, big mistake coming out of my big, big mouth." Now Lindsey brushes her teeth and yells at Samburu, "And trust me when I'm pumped you don't wanna fuck with me!" Lindsey's mother sits on a sofa and tells us that when she watched the episode she thought, "Huh! I think she said the 'f' word!" Her father says Lindsey "speaks her mind" and is extremely honest and truthful. I suppose one could say these clips are all of Lindsey "speak[ing] her mind" and being "honest" and "truthful." Or you could say they're of Lindsey being a big baby. But that's your call.
As they sit together in a café, Lindsey's boyfriend calls her "fun." (Incidentally, I originally typed "cage" for "café," which would have been a lot more interesting.) Lindsey clearly wanted to be called beautiful and brilliant and merciful and kind as she responds, "You're with me because I'm fun?" He stares at her, and then insists as if trying to convince himself: "You are, sometimes?" Lindsey demands that her boyfriend kiss her on the ski lift. She tells us in a confessional that she's too sensitive sometimes; she says the show loosened up and matured her. She admits that the way she handled her emotions in some situations wasn't positive, and that she grew a lot from it. Lindsey and her family sit around a dinner table; she cackles when her father cracks the awkward joke of asking her to go boil some water instead of the more funny joke of asking if she'd like some Midol for her menstrual cramps.
Frank "Dances with Elephants" Garrison chops wood in Odessa, New York. He tells us that we saw "the real deal" on Survivor, and that "Frank Garrison is not gonna change." Generally, people who talk about themselves in the third person should be carefully regarded. I remember reading somewhere that talking about oneself in the third person can be indicative of a psychosis. My grandmother talks about herself in the third person ("Look at Nanni's gnarly hands!" "Nanni won bingo!" "Nanni hit a dog so hard she knocked it out"), but I think all older people do that. In any case, Frank doesn't care whether we like him. We then see various clips of Frank in Africa bossing people around and obviously not caring if they like him, either. Frank's pregnant wife Polly tells us that she worried Frank would change dramatically during his time in Africa. But "Frank is Frank," she says, and three days after he returned, she knew he was the same guy: "The most charming, sweet and loveable person...and the biggest jerk in the breath."
Frank wakes his daughters up at 5:01 AM. We then see a clip of Frank waking up his tribe. Because Frank wakes people up. He explains that his life's philosophy is to get up early in the morning. We see him kiss his wife and kids goodbye as they are packed into a car, as he adds to that philosophy kissing his family and going to work to "give the man 100%" and then returning home immediately. Frank carries his daughter and kisses her on the forehead. He offers to get his wife a cup of coffee, and she doesn't keel over from shock; he looks happy and proud of himself. Polly tells us that Frank is a loving father and husband, and that they found out she was pregnant with her third child the day before Frank got the call that he'd been selected for Survivor. She says that in his absence, "there was something missing in the whole family dynamics." Maybe Frank? She cites his enthusiasm for life and a zest for everything he does as the missing elements. Frank's daughter Jocelyn tells us that when she thinks of her father, she thinks of "huggin'" and sharing and "being a leader." If she actually moved, she'd be shifty, too. Maybe I think kids are just shifty in general? Frank walks through the woods with his daughters; he wears a red hat; his oldest daughter wears red gloves; and the baby wears a red hat. If this is to avoid being accidentally hunted, I'll bet it works. We see them from behind as his daughter puts her arm around his waist. He tells us he seeks to provide his family with food, shelter, and security, "but most importantly, love."
Peachy warns us that in the segment we'll go "hot-tubbin'" with Kimj. There's also some "mud-slingin'" ahead from all of the S16, which suggests one of the montages where they make commentary on each other. We find out that Tom didn't like Clarence "worth snot."
Little fires flicker all around the Tribal Council set as Peachy explains that the S16 -- after being voted off -- weren't allowed any further communications with their tribe, and thus are each due "a parting shot."
First up is Clarence: Kelly just says his name; Teresa sighs. Lindsey thinks he "loves to talk about himself," and Clarence, of course, "like[s] him a lot. He's my favorite." We already know that Tom likes Clarence "worth snot."
Lex Loser wants to cut off Kelly's head. Kelly herself squeals in a most unappealing way, and then Lex Loser insists again that the head be cut off right away. No one else has anything to say about Kelly.
Frank calls Lex Loser "eccentric," and Brandon thinks Lex Loser is "a sixteen-year-old livin' in a forty-year-old's body."
Silas just says Lindsey's name, and Tom calls her "a bit of a whiner." Teresa, Kelly, and Lindsey all use the same word: "emotional." Lex Loser tells Lindsey, "You're sweet. You were in over your head, though, sweetie."
Tom enthusiastically gives himself the thumbs up, and then Kelly calls him "a dirty old pervert that [she] love[s]." Silas and Brandon start and finish each others' words together, calling him "a good old country boy." Tom yelps, "It's a sickness; it's a sickness."
Kimj thinks Silas's smile could "knock your socks off," and Lex Loser just thinks Silas loves himself. A digitally enhanced clip (with sound effects!) follows of a sparkle-toothed Silas. I've always found tooth graphics to be gross, but I'm sure Carl appreciated it.
Kelly calls Ethan "quiet," and Ethan sits there and looks stupid. Kimp calls Ethan a "super-sweet guy -- shy," and Ethan sits there and looks abashed. Carl thinks Ethan is "Mr. Lovable," and I'm wondering -- did those two even meet? Linda says Ethan has great hair, and this is followed by a picture of Ethan sporting an unbelievably large afro.
Members of the S16 say Frank's name and sigh. Teresa calls him "Frankie," and Tom thinks he's "hard-core. " Silas just says "Green Beret" while Lindsey makes deer antler gestures.
Frank concludes that Brandon is "...in a different world," and no one else has anything to add to that.
Tom says of Jessie, "What a woman!" Lex Loser thinks she's "hot!"
Kelly just says Kim Johnson's name, and Tom is flummoxed. Silas thinks about it, and then concludes that she must be clever. Ethan tells us Kimj is "honest, like [his] mom." He says, "I got along with her great."
We're now in Durango, Colorado. Kim "Thong Song" Johnson walks down the middle of a road with her family. She tells us there's nothing in her life more important than family. She says she has three kids -- she's proud that they're all married -- and three grandchildren, with another one on the way, and it doesn't get any better than that. Kimj tells us that her oldest child Wendy lives only four miles away with her family, and that her youngest son Teddy was married just two weeks after she returned from Africa. In a wedding picture, Kimj looks pretty and happy. Kimj's middle child Kerry just had "the most beautiful baby boy," and she spends as much time with him as she can. Kimj tells us that her childhood was difficult; raised by a single mother, she was more the mom than the child, and they had a lot of problems "health-wise, money-wise, every-wise." She says she never had a warm and loving relationship until she met her husband in college, and that he's been her best friend ever since. Kimj's husband Ted tells us that they got married when Kimj was nineteen; he thinks her childhood gave her the resolve to make their lives positive. Kimj plays tennis on an indoor court and then sits with Ted in the hot tub drinking wine and wearing a cowboy hat. She says she may look like a grandmother, but she doesn't act like one. She also may look like a weathered piece of luggage, but she doesn't act like one of those, either. Ted says there's no stopping Kimj once her mind is made up. She tells us that, at her age, her life is pretty set, and says, "I'm not gonna go out in the street and hang out with a guy full of tattoos" to find out what other people's lives are like. So it was "so cool" to spend time with different people. The thong clip plays as Kimj tells us, "I didn't go there with the idea of taking off my pants." Ted Jr. is in a room with a pool table (and is this a house, or Dave and Buster's?) as he tells us that they had friends over during that particular episode, and "all of a sudden the thong was out there" and the room went crazy. But not literally "crazy," which might have been the result if, say, Big Tom had stripped to a thong. Wendy's husband Dave jokes, "We've seen quite a bit of her. More than most son-in-laws get to see of their mother-in-laws [sic]." Wendy adds that the whole town and all of their friends have also seen a lot of her mother. Kimj tells us that she came away from the show with a "reaffirmation" of her own abilities. She says Survivor is the coolest thing she's ever done.
Sappy music plays in Los Angeles as Silas "I Don't Want to Work, I Just Want to Bang on My Bible all Day" Gaither tells us he likes to begin every day with a "devotion." He sits in a barren apartment and reads a Bible passage aloud. He tells us that he focuses on the day ahead while reading a chapter every morning; it helps him to get his priorities straight. Silas says that moving from Tennessee to Los Angeles was huge. He's trying to make it as an actor, and he reads a script a day. Between the scripts and the scripture, he's busy with the reading. Silas tells us that he's been bartending to make ends meet; it's a dog-eat-dog world, but he loves it.
Silas now zips himself into a wetsuit and shows us "the green machine," which is not his penis after a night with Jerri, but instead is his surfboard. Silas rolls around in the surf while he talks about his "carpe diem" mentality. He starts to say how the Survivor experience helped him, but then suddenly starts talking about the game's unpredictability and how the "switch meant the game" for him. He sits in his car; in his black cap and black shirt, he is clearly about to go knock off a religious-goods store. He explains that he never saw the tribal switch coming, and says he couldn't sleep for weeks after he was voted off. Even now, he's just started to come down from it. Silas says that being in Africa really gave him the chance to think about life. We see a clip of a lion thinking about life, too, and then the Kimj bird soars above. Silas says that if he's going to die tomorrow, relationships are what really matters. And also if he dies tomorrow, please don't use a wistful-looking photograph for the PR stills, but instead use the photo of him grinning in Africa and looking like Superboy.
Jessie "Lips Like Nachos" Camacho loves proving people wrong. Like the people who thought a young, physically fit female sheriff would do well on Survivor? She tells us that proving people wrong is "her thing," and she doesn't like it when men say that a woman can't do something a man can do. She particularly loves proving men wrong. Jessie needs a night on the town with male-manipulator extraordinaire Kelly. We see footage of Jessie punching and shooting at things, and then some pictures of Jessie going about her daily sheriff's duties. She says she loves police work because she can make a difference in society. Her grandfather was a police officer in Puerto Rico, and after hearing all of his stories, she fell in love with the career.
Now Jessie is sitting on the floor of a bedroom as someone places a plate with several candles on it before her. Is she working a spell? Jessie tells us she loves her job at the sheriff's department, and then some random person says she's a good cop. I believe she's a good cop, but couldn't they find someone with a title to attest to that? Here in Baltimore, I could run out to the first corner and instantly find three people who'd attest to my being a good anything so long as it meant a quarter toward a forty of Mickey's for them. Jessie cracks a dumb joke about being "the coolest chick you'll ever know," and then we see shots of her in the boxing ring. She says the sport is a good stress reliever because all she has to think about is trying to knock out her competitor. Jessie's sister -- who looks just like Jessie -- "made" her apply for Survivor; she tells us that Jessie's a "tough girl." And now with the tough lips to match. Survivor was much harder than Jessie anticipated, and she never expected the water situation to be so bad. When she was voted off, she felt like she'd disappointed her sister. Jessie tells us that, after the show ended, she stayed in Africa for an extra month to help in a community project to build a lodge. She enjoyed working with the Masai, and thinks it's an experience she'll never forget.
A dust cloud stirs up in Africa because Brandon "Live with Regis!" Quinton is one feisty homosexual. He sits at the bar and rages, "Brandon was the hottest, sexiest smartest guy on Survivor. I know he didn't look like it, but Brandon was da bomb!" He then performs an exaggerated gang gesture which cracked us up. Brandon tells us that he may have his outlandish moments, but he was secure enough to go on a top-rated show and own up to his sexuality. He thinks the producers intentionally paired him with people who "would dislike [him] for that very reason." He then tries to say that he got along well with everyone, but we all saw the show, so I don't know who he thinks he's kidding. Brandon -- wearing a t-shirt that says "Pornstar" -- tells us that he's not a good bartender. He used to tell people flirtily, "You didn't come because you thought I'd make a good drink!" He then mixes a drink while telling a customer, "I always look good." Brandon's friend agrees that his talents as a bartender aren't commendable, and that "what he serves best is the attitude." We see Brandon demand that a customer tell Brandon what he wants. The perplexed customer responds, "A drink!" Brandon sips a concoction he's just made before serving it to a waiting costumer. Brandon tells us that he works in a leather bar with "big burly guys, and [he's] not that." So maybe that's why the old woman at the bar looks so confused. Brandon continues, "I'm just a little almost used-to-be-chicken kind of guy."
A bell rings, and suddenly all the people in the bar start throwing little pieces of paper at Brandon. He tells us that first night in Africa was his first-ever camping experience, and having prevailed made him realize he could do anything. Brandon's friend -- who gets a name now (Brad Cooke) -- rubs his belly and says Brandon wanted to be on Survivor because no one on television represented his demographic. Brandon drives a teensy yellow car and smokes dramatically as his friend says, "I think he wanted to show America a gay man in their [sic] middle twenties who's getting out on his own and finding his way and coming to grow as a person." In other words, the new Fairy Tyler Moore. The people in the bar toast Brandon; then we see him walking up the steps to the Walt Whitman School, which he tells us is for gay and lesbian teenagers who face difficulties in their schools. Brandon wears a cute red sweater and tells the kids, "I'm just a normal gay person." He feels good that he can be in an position to be an inspiration to the community, and tells us, "Just because I'm gay, don't assume certain things about me." It's not an assumption to say Brandon looks like he needs a bath.
up, Peachy tells us we'll reunite with Kelly, who is "hard-driving, but soft," and Ethan, who's in touch with his feminine side.
Peachy perches on a stump and says that the S16 called the survivor "the smartest girl out there," but she insists she's "just a homebody with a wild streak." Clearly Kelly "Diggin' for" Goldsmith is the darling (or maybe, in the footsteps of Tori Spelling, the more appropriate word is "daughter") of whoever produced this show. She tells us that, from the beginning, she was "outmanned" by everybody on Survivor. She thought she was the worst athlete and felt like she would pass out; she was sure she'd be the first person voted off the show. She lolls in a chair as she tells us that Survivor made her "uniquely prepared" to live in Los Angeles. As she walks down a street, she tells us that her days usually begin with a workout. She exclaims, "Okay guys, what do all good Californians do? Go to the gym!" Kelly -- who has a personal trainer -- annoyingly punctuates her exercise routine with shout-outs toward herself. She explains that, by day, she's a "behavioral research analyst" who edits books. We watch as she types on her laptop; she tells us she loves academics and research, and then claims that the other part of her is "a big homebody!" So does that qualify the academic side as her "wild streak"? Kelly loves to crochet, which she says is her "weird introverted habit." I'm a snob about being an introvert (why would I ever want as a character trait the need to be around and derive my energy from other people?), and Kelly is so not one. She shows us a big ugly blanket she crocheted, and explains that it's not particularly well done, which is surely in keeping with the "detail-oriented" characteristic she bragged about seconds ago. She also wants to show us her favorite homemade pillow, but she can't reach the top of her closet.
Now Kelly leers at us from behind the wheel of her BMW as she says the "other side" of her drives way too fast, cuts loose, and is wild. So now she has three sides? And for the record, the wildest people I've known have never felt the need to brag about being wild. She speaks to me directly as she says, "Are you calling me schizophrenic?" And I'm not. That was last week. Kelly shoves a plate of cookies toward the camera and mugs repeatedly. She says she's "just a big dork at heart," and I won't argue with that.
We see Teresa "Hangin' With Mr." Cooper running in her hometown of Jackson, Georgia. She tells us that before she left for Survivor, she was working a lot -- so much so that her mother, who is also her best friend, told her she needed to work less and spend more time with her children. Teresa has finished her run and now stands in front of a real estate sign. She's all decked out in a suit and high heels she's unable to walk in. Her husband Brian says, "Teresa doesn't want to be a real estate agent. She wants to be the best real estate agent." He thinks she's "basically a corporation," whatever that means. He tells us that forty-eight days with no communication is a long time, and that they all missed her while she was gone. He wears very snug overalls. No wonder Teresa got along so well with Tom; she had her very own Big Brian back home. She says she didn't look at Survivor as a summer vacation to Africa or as a safari but as "a business trip." The objective was to be the last one standing, and she felt the situation was just "mind over matter." Tyler, her son, tells us he was scared every night because he was afraid his mother would get voted off or lose a challenge. He was not, however, worried about her safety or well-being in the dark continent. Teresa tells us she thought about her children the whole time she was in Africa, and how proud they'd be of her.
Now Teresa drives really slowly and tells us that, while she was in Africa, she had time to sort out what was really important in her life. We see a kitty cat in the U.S. and a lion cub in Africa. Because baby cats of all varieties are important. She tells us that she made a mental list of things she wanted to change when she got home. As she feeds her kids spaghetti and meatballs, she says she wants to read to the kids more, say prayers with them, and recite blessings over dinner. She also wants to give her husband more back-rubs, although she might regret saying that later. Teresa greets Tyler at the bus stop. Poor Ellie gets no face time in this? Tyler tells us that his mother was one of the last ones to step off her plane, and that he was the first one to hug her, and "it felt great." Teresa tells us that aside from being a mother and a friend to her children, she wants to be a role model. They appear to walk through the same woods Frank walked through with his family.
Clarence "Beans" Black is back in Detroit as he tells us that he's a city kid at heart. He explains that he used to be a financial consultant, and a proud man tells us that Clarence was his stockbroker. He shows us the menu for "Green's Place," and explains that the investments Clarence set up turned a profit, which enabled him to open the business. Clarence tells us he was stuck in the 9-5 rat race and realized that it just wasn't for him. He says Survivor was his first trip outside of the United States, and that it was an awesome experience. He adds, "And the food was good, too!" Now when he sees a gazelle he thinks, "Man, you're a good piece of meat." Clarence's friend Gerald Conoway points out that, with Clarence, everything always comes back to food. He says that when the episode aired in which Boran thought Clarence took two cherries, his first thought was, "Yeah, Clarence took two cherries." Clarence insists again upon his desire to launch a career as a food critic as he shows off some of the entrees at Green's Place: barbecue, some exceptionally yellow macaroni and cheese, and greens, which he calls a delicacy. There's a man in the kitchen with Clarence who appears to be wearing a long, green dress. It turns out to be an apron, but for a moment I wondered what Big Momma was doing there. Clarence says that the Survivor experience taught him to be himself, but also made him realize that he had to come up with new goals. He wants to see more exotic places "and not just be a city dweller."
Diane "Got Her Feathers Clipped" Ogden wakes up in Lincoln, Nebraska and tells us that being a single mother is not a chore or a duty; it's a way of life. We watch her shower, and then she stands in front of a mirror looking Just Peachy svelte in a black sweater and pants; she fluffs up her hair and proclaims, "That's it!" Diane says she always wears makeup because it makes her feel ready for the day. We see that her house is painted very bright colors; she wakes up her sleepy son, who hugs her tightly. She tells us that because she couldn't make any contact with her family while she was in Africa, she wanted to make sure her son knew she didn't get "eaten by a lion." Diane has a knife fight with her son. (A pretend knife fight.) She enjoys this down-time before "another hectic day" at the post office. Diane -- who, like Jessie, has candles in front of her during her at-home confessional, says she loves her house because "it's bright, it's fun, it's happy; I'm bright and fun and happy so..." I love it, too. Except for the alien stuff. There are also some disturbing masks hanging from the walls. Diane's son Alex says he feels like he's "inside a box of colors" when he's at home. He continues, "And when you go to another house, you just feel like you're in a regular box of brown or white." Diane brags that she's "real good at carrying mail." Diane thinks the Survivor audience didn't get to know her, and I agree with her on that point. I like her a lot better in this segment than I did in Africa. We see footage of the bean incident, and she says of Clarence, "He lied. He knows he lied." And he's publicly admitted to having lied, so I think she needs to give it up. Diane is more sensitive since Survivor, and she doesn't take things for granted anymore. Her son loves her. Aw.
Ahead. Ethan acts kooky, and we learn what it took to win.
Okay. Who has seen this crazy commercial for anti-scent Vanish with the little girl who makes all the terrible faces and gestures because her father took a smelly dump in the bathroom? It must be Australian.
Peachy's all GQ with one hand in his pocket. He tells us that Ethan "Got it Goin' On" Zohn won Survivor with his "strength and smarts" and "by sticking to his principles." Ethan's Mrs. Costanza-esque mom tells us that before he left for Africa, she told him that he didn't need to come home with a million dollars; he needed to come home with integrity. Ethan told himself before going to Africa that he would return with dignity and self-respect. He says that when he goes home to Lexington, he usually "make[s] a grand entrance." I suppose he means he was already something of a hometown hero because of his professional soccer experience. We see him going into a school while the kids cheer for him; he points out a kid in the class who has hair like his, and the boy is pleased. I'm sure the similarity to Ethan's hair put a stop to the "Brillohead" comments. For at least twenty minutes, anyway. Ethan tells us that he goes and sees his chiropractor brother when he's in Lexington to get a "little adjustment." He says his brother "straighten[s] [him] out a bit." He also stops to see his mother "in her little knitting store." He walks in and quietly says, "Hi, Mommy," and all her friends laugh. He nails that one -- one degree different and it would have been more creepy than boyishly charming.
Mrs. Costzohnza says she cringes "a little" when her friends call Ethan "hot," and then Ethan tells us that he's always liked women -- he thinks it may be because he was brought up by his mom. He refers to "the whole sensitive guy thing" and proudly says, "I'm in touch with my feminine side." Ethan's mom thinks he may be comfortable around women because she doted on him after the death of his father, when Ethan was just fourteen. We see family pictures of Ethan's wistful, same-haired dad. Ethan tells us that the time between his father's diagnosis of colon cancer to his death was a year. Mrs. Costzohnza tells a sad story about how Ethan always made sure to be home in the evenings when his father needed help getting up the stairs. She says Ethan could have been having the time of his life, but he'd always be home by 10:30 or 11 at night. Like most fourteen-year-olds, but anyway. I'm sure he was a sweet kid. Mrs. Costzohnza continues that if her husband woke up in the middle of the night and needed help, Ethan would be there to lift him time and time again. Ethan tells us that overcoming his father's death was his "first lesson in survival." He thinks he could have "gone the whole drug route, drop out of school, be depressed [his] whole life," but that didn't happen. His mother says she saw a new intensity in Ethan after his father's death, and this statement is accompanied by a beautiful picture of a soulful-looking tuxedo-wearing Ethan that made me and my friend both exclaim, "Oooooh!"
Ethan tells us that he's always wanted to push for success and be the best. He never thought he'd end up playing professional soccer, and we see pictures, including one in which he had cute bleached hair. He recounts his soccer history and tells us that when he was on a team in Zimbabwe, he was one of only two white people in the whole league. We then see a team picture in which one of his teammates is giving him a dirty look. Ethan tells us that walking into a stadium full of 150,000 people is uplifting for him; whenever he steps on the field or puts on his cleats, he derives energy from doing something he loves. As we see clips of Ethan in Africa, he voice-overs that "Survivor is a brilliant game." He says you are hungry, tired, dirty, and thirsty all the time, trying to make friends with people and perform in challenges, while also watching your back at the same time. Still, he concludes, "You don't have to be an evil back-stabbing person to do well in this game. You can be a nice, honest, genuine person and become the ultimate Survivor." Word.
We get another plug for the lovely Marquesas, coming February 28. We're going "back to the beach!" and I hope to see you all there. Rudy won't be there, though. Sigh. Have a great month, anyway!