Survivor Africa Reunion

The reunion picks up where the finale left off, and Bryant "Still Not Humble" Gumbel welcomes us back to the soundstage in Los Angeles. He speaks directly to my suspicions as he claims, of the forty days in Africa, "And no, it all didn't take place here in the studio." In theory, I like his glasses, but on him they're squirrely and way too tiny. He needs a bigger pair. Or a smaller face. In any case, Bryant tells us that the show is live and brings together all of the survivors for the first time since Kenya. He points out that the audience is full of family, friends, and fans of the S16, and cites Ethan's family as being "particularly joyful." I don't know why, though; it's not like he just scored the winning goal in a high-school soccer game as a freshman or anything marvelous like that.

Bryant congratulates Ethan and tells him to give "a big shout-out" to Diane (his mom) and his brothers. I don't know who Diane is, but I'm guessing Bryant doesn't mean Big Bird, and that she's Ethan's girlfriend. They all wave at him from the back row. You'd think the winner's family members would score good seats, but not so, I guess. Ethan says his family is really happy, and Bryant exclaims, "They're flying home first-class!" Ethan thinks he's the favorite son now, and that he's finally made up for that ten-year-old easy goal. Bryant wants to know what he thinks "the difference was," meaning how Ethan managed to prevail over the others. Ethan answers that, even though he holds the title, he couldn't have won without everyone else. Clearly. Because without everyone else, it wouldn't have been much of a competition. Kimj, incidentally, looks like she's in drag. Ethan cites as the three components of winning: luck, lasting alliances, and "sticking to your gut." He then adds, "Not your gut, sorry," to Lex Loser. He thinks having faith in others paid off in the end. There were many times when the competition could have gone differently, he says, but they stayed true to each other and to their alliance, and he thinks that's what got him all the way to the end.

Bryant "He Ain't Heavy -- That's His Brother" Gumbel cuts Ethan off as he realizes that he's forgotten to introduce the entire S16. "In the order they left Africa," they are:

• postal-worker Diane (who brought along her poodle, which spends the entire special perched atop Diane's head)
• deputy sheriff Jessie, who has clearly paid a visit to Jennifer Lopez's stylist
• dentist Carl, who has since leaving Africa been hair-plugged for men
• "the Harvard-based Hugger" Linda, who borrowed her hairdo from Simon LeBon
• Bartender Silas is still cute even if he sucks
• the neckless Lindsey (Bryant drools that "you haven't seen all of her until you've seen her audition tape," and then adds, when she shoots him a look, "Don't look at me; you made it")
• bean-lover Clarence
• "first juror; first whatever" Kelly
• "the ever-flamboyant" Brandon
• "his movie date" Frank Garrison
• Little Kim, who gets no further commentary
• Teresa, who doesn't either
• "Big Tom the Goat Farmer"
• "Grandmaster" Lex Loser
• "Big Kim," and
• Ethan

Bryant forgets that he just asked Ethan what "the difference was," and so asks the same question again. Did he play the game, as his mother advised, with the most integrity? Ethan thinks integrity had a lot to do with his victory, but he thinks many of the S16 played with integrity. He tells Bryant that you don't have to be "evil and back-stabbing and a villain" to succeed on Survivor -- just to succeed as a news host. Okay, so he doesn't say that, but I'll bet he's thinking it. So maybe he's not thinking it, but I am. In any case, according to Ethan, playing fair, trying really hard, "and just hop[ing] for the best" were an integral part of his win.

Bryant "There Must Be Fifty Lays to Leave Your Wife For" Gumbel asks why Kimj picked Ethan over Lex Loser to compete against in the final two. She says that -- all together now -- it was the hardest decision she's ever had to make, because she respected and cared about them both. She got to know both men very well in Africa, and doesn't think she could have won against either of them. She claims to have based her final decision on the fact that Lex Loser had already won so many things, and then turns to him and says, "Obviously, not the million. Sorry, darling." She says that since she knew she couldn't win, she picked the person whom she thought most deserving of the victory. Bryant is surprised that Kimj didn't think she could "prevail against Lex [Loser]," and she insists that Lex Loser was very well-liked among the tribe. She explains, "A lot of the comments that he made that seemed negative were not made to us." She then basically says that Lex Loser was nice to their faces and a bitch behind their backs. Bryant thinks Kelly would disagree that Lex Loser was a nice guy in Africa, but Kimj insists, "Kelly is one vote." Kimj then says she can name four people off the top of her head who would have voted for Lex Loser. She admits that it might have been a 4-3 final vote instead of 5-2, but ultimately she didn't feel any more confident going up against Lex Loser than Ethan. Bryant asks Lex Loser if, in retrospect, his "undoing" was being "out in front too much," and Lex Loser says he didn't know any other way to play the game. He says it's easy when you're watching the show to think you could hold yourself back, but when he got to Africa he only cared about winning. He doesn't know if that was the best move strategically, but claims that was his unalterable mindset. Bryant then asks Tom if he's more satisfied or frustrated to have gotten so far in the game. Tom says it's "flustrating"; he'd rather be in Ethan's place with the million dollars: "He's goin' back first-class and I'm gon' walk!" Bryant asks Tom if, upon making the final four, he thought, "Hey, I can win this thing!" Tom says he did think he could win, and "obviously a mental challenge wasn't what [he] was hopin' for." He adds, "You know, I'm a goat farmer, not a rocket scientist." Bryant thinks that's terribly funny, if not terribly original. Tom says he, Ethan, and Lex Loser had a strong alliance about which he felt very comfortable. He sadly says, "The chips fell where they may, and I can live with it." He doesn't say he'll just dust off those chips and eat them as a snack.

Bryant "He's Gumbel-ievable!" Gumbel asks the jurors whether their minds were made up prior to the final Tribal Council. Brandon said there was no question in his mind that he would vote for Ethan, and that his question was intended as a jab at Frank because he outlasted Brandon in Africa by three days. But then Ethan named Brandon as the most undeserving of the jurors, and Brandon asks, "How could I vote for that?" Bryant wants help understanding Kelly's motivation in basing her decision on a randomly selected number. Again, it's weird how she looks very pretty sometimes. Now, not so much. Kelly says that, to be honest, she agrees with Ethan that it was silly, but she didn't want to put in "the mental effort." She knew that the choose-a-number approach "would make them squirm a little bit." Bryant then asks Frank, T-Bird, and Kimp whether they wanted the S2 to say anything in particular during the Tribal Council confessions, or if their minds were already made up. Teresa said she'd long ago told Ethan, "If it can't be me, then you're my man." She leans over, jabs her knee in his back, and through gritted teeth says, "Didn't I say that earlier?" He slumpily agrees. Bryant asks Kimp what ultimately helped her decide to vote for Kimj, and Kimp says she loved Kimj's "really sweet answer." She lists a few semi-earnest admirable qualities of Kimj in return for Kimj's earlier flattery, and calls Kimj "a real role model." Frank evidently voted for Ethan because "he's a soccer player."

Bryant points out that Silas said early in the game that Survivor was "90% luck, 10% skill," and wants to know Ethan's opinion of that analysis. Ethan thinks that 90% is on the high side, but he agrees that luck is involved. He comments that "the whole switcheroo thing" was very unlucky for some people, particularly Silas. Ethan says that Silas was "a fish out of water" when he joined the Boran tribe, and that could have happened to anyone. Bryant asks the S16 whether the best player won, and Ethan says he thinks so, which gets a laugh. Kimj and Lex Loser agree that Ethan was the best, but Tom says, "Well, ah thought ah was the best player!" He adds that he had an alliance with Ethan and Lex Loser, and that since he couldn't win, he's glad one of them did.

As we go to commercial, there's Rudy! Tina's there, too, but who cares? Hi Rudy! Hi Rudy's wife! Sigh. I miss Rudy.

Tom is really fat on his audition tape. As he drives a tractor being chased by dogs and goats, he yells that they're all going to be stars. Bryant "That's Not What I Meant!" Gumbel asks Tom about the tape, and Tom says, "Well, ah thought I was gon' be a star but I, ar, did all right!" Bryant tells him he is a star, and Tom says he has great friends; he couldn't ask for anything more. Bryant says they've dubbed the segment "Friends and Enemies," but he knows there are no real enemies among the S16. He then asks Ethan what he meant in Africa when he said he was surrounded by people but still felt alone. Ethan is perhaps somewhat shell-shocked as he explains that no matter how tight the alliances or friendships seemed, he was always aware of the game. He never really felt like he could totally trust any of the S16, because ultimately each of them wanted to win.

Bryant awkwardly segues from the "last man standing" to the first woman kicked off. He wants to know whether being the first voted off was embarrassing for Diane, and she says it was and it wasn't. She was relieved because she felt sick; she thinks Survivor was too hard for her, so getting voted off wasn't that bothersome. Bryant wants to know whether she thinks she would have lasted longer if she hadn't taken Boran's map. Diane blames the dumping of the water, but I thought Kimj had done that. Bryant says, "You were the first one to faint; Jessie, you were the first one to -- " "Throw up!" Jessie yells. She raises her hand and acts very happy about having publicly vomited. Bryant wants to know whether she was unprepared for Africa, and Jessie answers that the gourd water didn't settle well in her stomach. She looks much more attractive now than she did when puke was spewing from her cracked, chapped lips. Silas then cuts into the conversation and starts saying that Diane shouldn't be disappointed in herself because she was selected out of 50,000 people just to be on Survivor. He says he's very proud of Diane, but he's no Kel Gleason. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

Bryant "The Tyrant" Gumbel says that "Diane's plight" brings the discussion around to the first "cringe moment" of the season -- the bean thievery. Bryant can't believe Tom's comment, which he repeats: "'If I had a gun I'd shoot you'?" Tom's quick on the uptake and responds, "Did ah steal your beans?" Hee. Bryant wants to know whether Boran's reaction was over-the-top, and Clarence yells, "Hell, yeah!" Tom says he didn't overreact, and it was just a comment. Lex Loser demonstrates that he's more self-aware than we saw on the show by adding, "If he didn't shoot him, I would have cut his throat." I don't know why, after tormenting us for twelve episodes, Lex Loser chooses now to seem remotely likable. Bryant "Don't Be a Menace to Beverly Hills While Drinkin' Your Cosmopolitan in a Hoodie" Gumbel says of Boran's reaction to Clarence's bean-eating that there were lots of people at home saying to themselves, "Yo! I would not take that." Clarence, who looks a good deal like Malcolm Jamal-Warner (a.k.a. Theo from The Cosby Show), says he was crazy from hunger and "lost all ability to think rationally." The others hoot and holler at him in mockery. Clarence insists that he could only think about how he was starving, and he couldn't believe "these people was [sic] yellin' at me." He says he ate a few beans, and then he wanted more. Then he finally gets to use the line he's been rehearsing since getting kicked off: "I haven't seen white people that mad since O.J. got acquitted!" Tom defends Clarence by adding that the two of them worked closely together after the incident, and Clarence "took it like a man." He says he and Clarence are now "as tight as" any of the other contestants.

Bryant wants to know whether Frank and Brandon can say the same thing of their relationship; Brandon insists, "We're good friends! Yeah, we're friendly." Frank just nods his head. A clip of the movie date plays, and Tom really enjoys it. Bryant points out Brandon's "antipathy" as he cites the time Brandon said he'd rather be gone in three days than have anyone think he'd taken Frank's side. Brandon comments that he was gone in three days, and then says it's hard to spend so much time out there with a person so different from you, particularly when "you hate somebody so much." Bryant thinks "hate" is a strong word and Brandon says, "It's a good word, though." He thinks it's a "real word." For the record, I'd vastly enjoy Regis and Brandon. Brandon explains that when they returned to the U.S., Frank "put his daughters on the phone," and Brandon saw Frank as a real person for the first time. He says he couldn't stand Frank while they were in Africa, but that Frank wasn't the only one. In fact, Brandon says, Frank was "just one of many I didn't like out there." Hee.

Bryant "Clark Kent" Gumbel asks how Frank categorizes his feelings for Brandon; Frank, who still has a stick -- make that a Survivor torch -- up his ass, says that Brandon is just another human being. They coexisted, but Frank didn't "agree with his lifestyle." Bryant slaps him down: "Yeah, but he wasn't asking you about his lifestyle." Frank says that Brandon "just existed," and adds, "Besides, there was no hunting allowed there, so I couldn't do anything about it," which I suppose some people could take the wrong way. Bryant wants to know whether Frank intensely disliked Brandon, and Frank says he didn't; Brandon looks incredulous. Frank thinks he and Brandon needed to keep their "distance and space." Frank adds that people assumed that he hated Brandon, but then Bryant points out that Carl is sitting right behind him nodding his head. Bryant says that Carl, Linda, and Teresa also didn't get along with the other Samburus. Carl insists, "Had I not taken Frank to the water hole for a break, he would have killed [Brandon]." Frank laughs, but not really.

Bryant segues to a discussion of the generational split amongst the Samburu tribe, and refers to the older group as "The Geritol Gang." He quotes Kimp as having said that Oldskool should have handled the situation better and found a way to work with Playskool. Linda says that the split was their downfall, but that the two alliances formed so immediately and completely that they could do nothing about it. She concludes, "That's why there are no Samburu people sitting in the front row." Teresa insists that they did try; she says that even when the tribes were "swapped," they attempted to pull together. With a steely smile, she says, "I think the tribal elders -- we like to say 'tribal elders' instead of 'The Geritol Gang' -- we did our best to try to pull it together." Bryant "Prepare for Judgment" Gumbel then turns and snarks, "Lindsey, why were you so nasty to 'em?" Lindsey charmlessly excuses herself; she wants Bryant to address all of the young people as "nasty." She claims that there are many different stories floating around, and insists that "what really happened out there" was just a series of misunderstandings. Things happened really fast; one minute they thought they were doing the right thing, and the minute they were questioning those acts. She says she panicked a lot and became paranoid, "not to mention the emotional outburst and the whining," and wanted to stay with the people she thought would protect her. She says the dynamic just "turned nasty," and that nobody wanted it to or meant for it to happen. It was "not intentional by any means," but there was no turning back.

Bryant asks whether anyone in the group didn't have or try for an alliance. Clarence raises his hand and looks really proud of himself for not having been smart enough to get into alliance, but he's kind of ducking, too. Jessie also has her hand raised, and Bryant calls on her because she's pretty. Not that Clarence isn't pretty, but not in the same way. Jessie claims that she never watched Survivor before being on the show, so she was "totally unprepared." Not to mention totally stupid. Bryant "In the Language of Love I'm Fluent" Gumbel dismisses her: "Six days, adios!" Clarence says it was a funny situation, "'cause after [he] stole that food, just nobody liked [him] for a little while." Hee. Bryant now offers to make all of them disappear for a little while, but assures us they'll come back to discuss the "hardships of Africa." It should be a nice, short discussion anyway.

In New York City, Ethan's friends cheer him on every Thursday. Ethan sits up briefly to wave at them, then resumes his slump.

In her audition tape, Lindsey rides her bike naked and repeats, "I think I can, I think I can, I know I can! Whew-hoo!" She says she can do "this Survivor stuff," and that we want her to be on Survivor. Except we didn't. And don't. Both front and back views are pixelated, and she has a muddy-looking flower drawn between her breasts but not covering them. Bryant "Pitching a Tent" Gumbel says they watched "the original" (meaning the unpixelated version?) upstairs. He wants to know, "What were you thinking?" A man in the audience looks very uncomfortable as he stands with his arms crossed. At first I think this is Lindsey's disapproving father, but later I realize it's B.B. from Pulau Tiga, who's just disapproving in general. Lindsey insists that she was painted and then snipes, "What? Are you asking why I did it?" She says she had no idea how to get on the show because she'd never really watched it and didn't know what the audition tapes were like. Her friends thought she should show her "athletic endeavors," but "athletic endeavors" aren't exactly the words I'd use to describe what was just exhibited. In any case, Lindsey says she made a tape of herself snowboarding and mountain biking, but three days before the due date she realized it was lame. So instead, a friend who insisted that Lindsey needed to stand out, body-painted her.

Bryant wants to know if it's fair to say that Africa was harder than Lindsey expected. The S16 agree that it was, and Lindsey says that as an athlete, she regularly competes in a tough sports, but nothing could have prepared her for the Survivor experience. Bryant reads back a quote of Lex Loser's in which he said, "Not a single one of us came here thinking the danger was gonna be real." Lex Loser remembers telling his friends before he left that Survivor was "reality TV": "Half of it's reality; half of it's TV." He says the Survivors were "universally shocked" to discover that the animal dangers in Africa were completely real. He'd expected the challenges to be "like little Olympic games or whatever," and then cites the boulder-rolling challenge as an example. He says the boulder was so heavy that he thought if he fell and it rolled over his head, he'd be crushed "like a walnut." A clip shows Kimj and Kelly being rolled over with absolutely no result. Lex Loser says that at that point, he realized they could die out there. He says the game was "brutally hard," and the first thing he told his friends when he got home was how much harder Survivor is than it appears on television. As a fan, he used to think the game was hard, but also "just television," and once again he insists, "It's hard!" Lex Loser said the word "hard" about fifteen times in that segment. Bryant then remembers when Kimp cried because of the proximity of the lions outside their boma. She insists that she could see them -- their eyes and "their breath." Bryant points out that most people believe that if the lion had really gotten near the fence, a "Mark Burnett rocket" would have taken the animal out. Kimp says that Mark Burnett was sleeping very soundly that night, and insists that the lion was three feet away. She tells Bryant, "It was Ethan and I, the picket fence, and the lion, and that's for real." She doesn't know what would have happened if the lion had tried to jump the boma, but then "of course, Big Tom to the rescue." Big Tom looks proud as Bryant repeats, "Always Big Tom to the rescue!"