The Big Adventure

Last week on Survivor, Tom took issue with Lex Loser covering his own ass. Metaphorically, of course. Because it's not like Tom literallywanted to cover Lex Loser's ass for him. Because that would just be a weird thing to want to do. Sillies. Later, Lex Loser won immunity for the second consecutive week and then, after launching into a diatribe about gun control, Frank got voted off.

It's twilight on Day 31 at Mofo Maji, and everyone is asleep. Lex Loser is "killing time" making a bracelet, and Ethan agrees that bracelet-making is a cool pursuit. Lex Loser tells Ethan that the decorative aspects of the bracelet were "strategically placed." Ethan looks very interested in the jewelry and, as he helps Lex Loser tie it on, he is advised to "go as tight as you can on it." In a confessional, Ethan tells us that he's surrounded by people he enjoys, but that he still feels alone. The others may be his friends, but he only met them a month ago, so he holds back and isn't willing to reveal a lot about himself.

Lex Loser and Ethan check treemail together, and Lex Loser drones, "You've got mail!" thus confirming his connection to Satan's earthly corporate holding company: AOL. As they retrieve a book, Ethan says, "Ooh, a diary," but it's really one of those little pamphlets that is supposed to have a slightly varied illustration on each page, so that when you quickly flip through it, the pictures create a movie. Except in this case, they've missed the entire point by using words instead of pictures so when quickly flipped through nothing happens at all except illegibility. A single word is written on each page, and it's very annoying that Lex Loser must turn the page between each utterance. For once, being annoying is not his fault. The clue is as follows: "You think you know them and that they know you/ It's time to find out if that's really true/ For the winner, a prize that takes you away/ But that's just the beginning of an unforgettable day." Lex Loser suggests that the challenge is happening so early in the day because the reward trip will occur immediately afterward. Lex Loser is the only one who bothers thinking about the challenge at all, since he's the only one who ever wins any.

is Tom, who doesn't let us down. He says he was walking around the house in dirty underwear while some strangers were there, too: "I walked in the kitchen and met these people and I hadda little stain in my underwear." This announcement is followed by a few awkward giggles as the other members of Mofo Maji realize that he really is crazy, after all. Tom's wife sits near a giant poster of Tom or his son or his father, and says that Tom has never been embarrassed in his whole life, and thus she cannot answer the question.

Kimp fell off her bike during a triathlon; her bathing suit got caught on the seat when she tried to pick up the bike, and "all the other racers got a really good view." What is it with the topless bike riding on this show? In any case, Kimp's mother agrees that the incident was embarrassing, and Kimp is excited to have scored a point.

Finally, Lex Loser announces that he got a little too happy during a college happy hour, and threw up in the middle of his Human Sexuality class. His wife says he threw up on another student in college, and Peachy proclaims this a correct answer. But based on most of the college students I know (including the one I was), that could easily have been two separate occasions.

Peachy asks what physical trait the S6 each like the least about themselves. Kimj and her husband agree on her feet, because they look like they're covered in hippopotamus skin. Teresa removes her baseball cap to show her "straight, stringy, and see-through hair," but her husband hates her nose. Ethan admits that his family would probably say he loved all his body parts. His mother, though, thinks his legs are a problem. Tom hates his "har." If he could grow it over again, he'd have it down to his feet. His wife says, "He used to say he was a heck of a man when he had har!" She confirms that Tom's weakness is "lack of har." Kimp doesn't like her small chest, but her mother says she should really be embarrassed by her arms. Kimp throws her pen in the air and exclaims, "Oh God, Mom! Where did you get that?" Lex Loser doesn't like his nose, but his wife thinks the hair on his back is much worse. This is followed by a chorus of "oh no"s, but sadly no "No, you di'int"s. Lex Loser defensively tells the other members of Mofo Maji, "You can take a look; I think I got about six of them." So after two rounds, Tom and Kimj join Lex Loser and Kimp in the lead with one point each.

Peachy now wants to know the biggest fears of the S6. Kimj is afraid of growing old and not being able to do what she wants to do; her husband says she's scared of bungee jumping. Kimj points out that this was a matter of "wrong track[s]." Teresa's only fear is loss of a loved one, but her husband says snakes are a far more terrifying prospect. Ethan answers "fear of throwing up," and his mother very seriously agrees on the vomiting, which makes Ethan very proud. Tom thinks his wife will say he is fearless, but his wife cites what she says is every parent's fear: something happening to his son. Peachy points out that it's hard to argue with that answer, and Tom agrees. Kimp, afraid of spiders, is confident that her mother will answer correctly, but Mrs. Powers says Kimp's biggest fear is "being unfulfilled." Kimp wants to know if her mother is kidding, and Lex Loser says, "Wow, that's deep!" Lex Loser fears outliving his boys -- even the shifty one -- and his wife confirms his answer. She also includes herself, but Lex Loser mentions nothing about her and still gets the question right.

With one question to go, Lex Loser is in the lead with two points, and all the others except Teresa have one point each. Peachy tells Teresa that she won't compete in the last round, since it's impossible for her to win; even so, I imagine she'd like to continue hearing how poorly her husband knows her experiences, desires, and fears. The last question asks for the S6's greatest achievement. Kimj chokes up as she answers that her proudest accomplishment is her family: she's been happily married for thirty-seven years, and she has three great children. She then continues, "And not having any family of my own before that..." Was she an orphan or something? In any case, Kimj's husband agrees almost word for word. Eerie, but that's what thirty-seven years will do, I guess. Ethan is most proud of playing professional soccer, but his mom rambles on about his having competed in the state soccer tournament as a high-school freshman. Ethan is shocked and says, "Because there's nothing after high school." Which is so true, and the others laugh. Peachy points out that Big Tom didn't even hesitate; instead, he immediately wrote down three letters. Tom says his greatest accomplishment is his son and Peachy doesn't even have to play the tape, because his wife knows. She does know, so Tom gets a point. Kimp says that calling off her wedding at the last minute was her accomplishment, and acknowledges that it's a strange choice; her mother agrees, and cites Kimp's "solo trip to Europe." Lex Loser says, "Like Big Tom, I have no doubt." His two sons -- again, even the shifty one -- are his "crowning achievement," and his wife agrees. As he proclaims Lex Loser the winner, Peachy says, "Lex [Loser], it seems every time I turn around, I'm handing you something." He then tells Lex Loser to go easy on his Visa card. His Visa card. Got it? What is he, a college freshman? Peachy then reveals that he can't let Lex Loser go alone, and suggests that he take a companion. Lex Loser doesn't deliberate or give any excuses as he picks Big Tom, who promises, "I'll be the best date you ever had." Then the other members of Mofo Maji hug Tom and Lex Loser goodbye; as we go to commercial, a brief clip reveals Lex Loser and Big Tom skipping -- arm in arm -- through an open field.

Lex Loser and Big Tom clutch at each other and giggle, then resume running through the brush toward a waiting plane. Once boarded, Lex Loser explains to Tom that they're on an airplane on their way to Masai Mara; he says it blows his mind. The plane is very small and low-flying. Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that he knew, when he picked Big Tom, it would be a roller coaster ride. He says that "if anyone should see something completely different and really experience Africa," it's Tom.

The plane lands, and Lex Loser tells us they were "whisked away" to a hotel called Governor's Camp. Lex Loser wants us to imagine "the ultimate five-star luxury hotel just literally dropped right in the middle of a lush African jungle." He says it was like "the garden of Eden." It's a big tent with furniture in it. I don't know; my "ultimate five-star luxury hotel just literally dropped right in the middle of a lush African jungle" would have walls. But I'm a city girl. And I guess I'm a walls girl too. Incidentally, our Survivor-watching friends stayed at Governor's Camp last year, and report that one night's stay costs $600. I hope Just Peachy didn't go over his limit. Tom bounces on the bed and then begins convulsing with excitement. While Lex Loser is eating, Tom points out that they have their "own pooper." It's right in the middle of the room, again with the no walls. Tom makes satisfied noises and calls over to Lex Loser, "Hey, Tattoo!" so that he can make additional pooping noises for Lex Loser's benefit. Lex Loser, though, can barely tear himself away from the plate of food in front of him.

Lex Loser and Tom are then led to a muddy creek, wherein lie some hippos, causing Tom to exclaim, "Holy moly!" It is Lex Loser's pleasure to hand Peachy's Visa card over to the Governor's Camp staff member. Tom advises her to "be sure to git your tip out of it." We're treated to another close-up of the credit card as it's scanned by the credit card machine. Then Lex Loser and Tom drink fruity drinks and toast each other and eat pastries and crackers and assorted powdered-sugar-dipped delicacies. Tom tells us in a confessional that they've eaten more on this trip than they have in the past thirty days. Lex Loser doesn't think they'd be "well-advised to describe this place in all its detail and glory" to the other members of Mofo Maji, because they might get killed. He says it's "a crime" that the others are back at camp "cooking mush" and "boiling water," but he must not mean that literally; for my own part, I'm generally sad about crimes and not gleefully smug.

Tom tells us that when he and Lex Loser returned from the safari, they were "bubbling." This announcement does not, thankfully, refer in any way to their personal toilet. I think they should have installed a bidet in there, too, and let Tom go to town. Lex Loser points out a table with lots of different kinds of alcohol on it, and Tom calls them "spirits." He and Lex Loser share a toast to each other and to the game of Survivor; Lex Loser thanks Tom for coming on the trip. Tom gets the whiskey shivers and, for once, says something actually intended to sound like gibberish. I had to replay it a couple of times, though, before I figured that out. Lex Loser tells us that he and Tom both like to "tip a cocktail back," and that the Governor's Camp staff could almost read their minds. Lex Loser tells Tom he's never before drunk beer while sporting a mustache, and Tom says, "I've never drank [sic] beer with a hippo before!" Hee. Hee. Lex Loser tells us that when the dinner bell rang, Tom wasn't yet done with his bourbon, so he brought the bottle with him: "In fact, it was in his pocket." A fancy table is set in the middle of a field, and a staff member pulls their chairs out for them and announces that the menu includes chicken, lamb, and vegetables. The chef -- wearing a chef's hat -- is about ten yards away from them. In a confessional, Tom raves that his piece of lamb was huge. He says, "I'm a meat eater. I mean, that salad stuff is nice for women or something, but I like meat." He says the meat absolutely "met in your mouth," and I'm pretty sure he meant "melt." Lex Loser tells Francis the chef that the meat is "beautiful," but it looks damn rare to me. Tom tells Francis, "You da man," and orders him to "fix [him] another sheep!"

Back at Mofo Maji, Kimp hopes that Ethan is hungry as she prepares dinner. We see the mammoth piles of cornmeal, and she says she always hopes it will taste like mashed potatoes. That's what I've been thinking! Kimp says she's never going to eat corn again: "Not a corn tortilla, cornflakes, not corn on the cob, not corn chowder, not corn in the can, not creamed corn, not cornbread, no corn muffins, no burritos, no corn tortillas, no popcorn at the movies, no more corn. Please." That was an impressive run. Kimj, Kimp, Ethan, and Teresa pick at their food.

Meanwhile, Tom is all liquored up at Governor's Camp. Outside, it has started to rain, and Tom says, "There's not been a drop of rain hit my ass in forty days and forty nights." He adds, "I wanna get out there and put my ass in it!" Lex Loser tells us -- as if we needed the explanation -- that Tom came back from dinner and wanted to drink as much of the bourbon as possible. Tom asks whether Lex Loser wants to see a rabbit pulled out of a hat, and then he reveals yet another hidden bottle of liquor. Lex Loser says in a confessional that Tom was loaded, which made the night so much funnier. Tom tells Lex Loser he's glad Lex Loser "peeked" him; he then says Lex Loser would have been bored had he picked anyone else. They toast again, and Tom starts wailing a song that goes as follows: "Hey bartender fix me a toddy/ Old Big Tom wanna love everybody/ Don't worry about them crocs/ Old Big Tom got some stinky socks." He's completely drunk and can still come up with a better rhyme than the morons who pen the Survivor clues. Lex Loser says that Tom was really drunk, "so [Lex Loser] took [Tom] to bed." Tom hangs on Lex Loser as Lex Loser leads him across the room; as he tucks Tom in, Lex Loser advises Tom that if he's going to throw up, he should go outside. Tom proclaims, "That's the American way!" A sleepy Tom thanks Lex Loser and then says, "I'd do it for you!" He snuggles up in the bed, and just before immediately falling asleep, Tom says, "Damn right I would." Hee. Drunk and happy Big Tom reminds me of Wilbur from Charlotte's Web.

A moon shot reveals people fussing with lanterns outside Tom's and Lex Loser's tent. Tom tells us that when he woke up -- aw, he and Lex Loser shared a bed -- his head wouldn't have "fit in a warshtub." Lex Loser explains to Tom that they are waking up so early because it's "balloon ride time." Tom tells us that he drank a glass of water and ate five cookies and "it was on again." Now it's daytime, and they're in the balloon. Tom tells us in a confessional that the balloon's flames were "like a dragon." He also makes "whoosh, whoosh" noises. I think Drew Carey's missing a major opportunity if he doesn't enlist Tom for a special guest appearance on Whose Line Is It Anyway? He also says "holy moly" again, which I enjoy, and that he was almost that high last night. In a confessional, Tom tells us that their balloon driver was from England, and that every time Tom talked to him, the balloon would make a sudden drop. Once Tom shut up, the driver would react and raise the balloon. I don't know what the man's balloon-flying skills have to do with the fact that he's from England, but Tom apparently sees some sort of connection. The driver tries to explain his competency to a literally slack-jawed Tom. They fly over breathtaking terrain, and the balloon is really low. Tom asks whether the driver has ever crashed, and the driver says that the most dangerous thing is spilling the champagne upon landing. Lex Loser points out a hyena, but it looks like a wildebeest to me. Not that I know anything. But sometimes I like to think I do. Lex Loser and Tom agree that the way to see Africa is by balloon. By the way, a day's balloon trip in the Masai Mara, according to my friends, costs $400 per person. Lex Loser says the vista is amazing and left him breathless. As we see more hippos, the driver says, "They spend all night eating grass and then they spend all day in the river getting rid of it." Is he really saying hippos shit all day long?

Tom then excitedly tells us that he saw two solitary wildebeests (except he says "widebeests"), and that he thought it was strange because they were not with their pack. He says that if he were a lion, he'd take out the little one. He tells us that no sooner had he made that comment than a lion appeared. We see the lion chase the wildebeest for a bit. Tom says that he thought the lion had gotten tired, and then "here popped another one up!" He says, "That lion had ran that wildebeest into the other one!" We follow a series of near misses as the lion chases the poor wildebeest (or as the crewman in the lion costume chases the crewman in the wildebeest costume), but in the end, the strong survives, and the wildebeest suffers "death by asphyxiation" as very eagerly proclaimed by Lex Loser. He philosophizes, "Where there were two wildebeests, there's now one." Lex Loser, Tom, and the balloon driver agree that witnessing the kill was "a treat" and "fantastic" and "rare." They then high-five each other. Tom tells us in a confessional that his mind has been "a pretty little old tight thing" and hasn't much been "expanded" in his lifetime, but that Africa has given him exposure. He thought he'd done a lot at the age of forty-five but he found out he hadn't done "diddly." The trip has showed him that there's more to life "than just what's over around the corner at the house." Lex Loser tells us that returning to camp will be miserable, and that he's feeling sick about it. He says that since he plans to be the "last man standing," he needs to get back on his game.