On the 27th day of Survivor, Mark Burnett gave to me: 27 lumps of elephant dung; 26 migraine headaches; 25 leaping lions; 24 Lex Loser "gut" mentions; 23 plotting faces; 22 "like"s and "you know"s; 21 abandoned bomas; 20 mindless challenges; 19 piggy-backing monkeys; 18 gratuitous skin shots; 17 swarming insects; 16 surly cameramen; 15 cups of cow blood; 14 dancing Tom shots; 13 plugs for Verizon; 12 goats a-running; 11 flaming arrows; 10 Tribal Councils; 9 clumps of cornmeal; 8 ethnic slurs; 7 players playing; 6 bouts of diarrhea; 5 awful clues! Four Boran allies; 3 Samburus; 2 jury members; and Just Peachy beneath an acacia tree!
Ahem. Season's Greetings!
Last week on Survivor: Tom had a "massive boil," and Ethan had never before seen one that big. Brandon paid the price for his prior week's Samburu betrayal; now seven remain.
We open the show on Night 27 with shots of a starry sky and one of the aforementioned leaping lions. Kimp reminds us that Brandon was voted off during the last Tribal Council. She says that although they had been "pals" since their early Samburu days, she felt betrayed and could no longer trust him. Even though she knows the vote was part of the game, it "still tugged at [her] heart a little bit." Kimp looks more and more Elisabethan these days. (As in "like Elisabeth.") Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that his alliance with Tom, Ethan, and Kimj is now at an advantage because they have claimed the majority vote. He also says that the other members of Boran knew he wouldn't vote against Brandon. Night-vision shots of various Mofo Maji members reveal nothing of interest whatsoever. Then Lex Loser and Kimj whisper about being "solid" and agree that they are "100%." Ethan tells us that Lex Loser's vote "redefined" and "pushed the limits" of their alliance. He says Lex Loser gave his word to the Boran alliance as well as to Brandon and concludes that Lex Loser "kinda went out on his own and covered his own ass." Ethan then wonders to Kimj, "Why was his word just as strong with Brandon as it was with us?" Kimj agrees with Ethan instead of attempting to answer his question because that's what she does and that's what's gotten her so far in the game. In a confessional, she tells us that as much as the male Boran members proclaim their intention to go into the finals as a threesome, she believes that they're all skeptical of each other. In a "crunch time," she believes they will turn on each other, and someone will be voted off. As opposed, of course, to Mark Burnett changing the rules and letting the game end in a three-way tie.
Now it's time for the portion of the show where the producers attempt to convince us that the competitors are in any real danger. Ethan and Kimp (or, as Ethan calls her, "Little Kim") are on the 2 to 4 AM night watch shift, and a lion is making loud noises. Ethan tells us in a confessional that they kept hearing the lion getting closer and closer. We see Ethan conclude that the lion is probably stalking them, but he doesn't know why a stalking lion would be so loud. Presumably a lion looks at them, but one should never presume when Mark Burnett is anywhere near the editing room. Kimp tells Ethan she thinks lions make noises when they're calling other lions to feed. Kimp tells us in a confessional that the night was frightening because they had no idea what the lion wanted. She wonders whether the lion was just communicating with the other lions, or whether it was specifically summoning the other lions in because it smelled them? In other words, was it a "Hey there, how's it hangin'?" kind of growl-out, or was it a "Dinner is now being served in the northwest boma" kind of growl-out? Kimp keeps "Oh my God"-ing while Ethan looks typically paranoid. She tells us that the perimeter of their camp is completely enclosed, but that the acacia bushes are only six feet tall, and if a lion "wanted in," it would be able to get over it. "Perimeter" is an inherently scary word, I think. It's always used in war stories and Alien movies and math. Anyway, Kimp sucks on her index finger and Ethan posits that "it's close." Suddenly, Tom joins them; he puts his arm around Ethan and says, "I'll protect ya!" In her confessional, Kimp says of the lions that "obviously they live right here, and they must watch us every day when we go for water or as we come out in the morning and do stuff." If I were her, I'd be more creeped out by the cameramen watching her everyday, since they seem equally interested as evidenced by their obsession with her butt later in this episode. She concludes of the wild animals, "They are really here!" Ethan tells us he feels very vulnerable because the land belongs to the lions and he's just living there for thirty-nine days. Then the lion grunts off, and Ethan, Kimp, and Tom conclude that it's gone for good. Ethan makes some "gimp, gimp, gimp" noises to represent its exit.
It's daybreak, and a monkey yawns. It's not the cute kind of monkey, either. Lex Loser, looking typically evil, drinks something. Ethan is exhausted. Repeated falls can do that to a person. Lex Loser tells us that being in the bush for a month has started taking its toll on the S7. Everyone feels weaker and more lethargic, and Lex Loser thinks it's interesting because it happened to each of them at the same time. He says they feel comfortable admitting these weaknesses because everyone feels the same way. Ethan is hooded as he stumbles about. In a confessional, he tells us that he feels like he's walking underwater, because his steps are slow and his legs are shaky. He says, "You don't pick your feet up as high off the ground 'cause you just don't want to." He says it's so bad that he's stumbling over "little roots," evidently forgetting that, before, he was stumbling over nothing at all.
A close-up shot of Kimj's legs reveal that she's been wearing her tube socks too tight. Lex Loser and Kimp inform us in separate confessionals about the sad status of Kimj's severely swollen legs. Again, she just needs some bigger socks. Kimp tells us Kimj can hardly lace her sneakers, and everyone gathers to stare and comment on Kimj's legs. Lex Loser is amazed, observing, "You just push with your finger and it stays! It's like silly putty or something." Kimj reveals that the swell is climbing up her body and announces, "Wait'll it gets to my breasts!" Insert appropriate Pamela Anderson joke here. Lex Loser tells us that the bodies of the S7 are showing signs of trouble; this is followed by a close-up shot of Frank's scarred legs. He explains that in the past three days their weight loss has started to show. We see Tom lying down on his back; he's sucking it in and his ribs aren't exactly showing, but nor is a big pile of fat. Lex Loser says, "Man, you've lost a ton of weight!" and Tom says he thinks that he's lost forty pounds. We see that Frank also looks very thin.
The tribe prepares for a morning meal, and Lex Loser states their options are "the mush" and "the gruel." He tells us that the tribe eats two small meals a day -- he thinks it's a couple hundred calories, if that -- and in doing so, they're fooling their bodies into thinking they're getting enough nutrition. We see the portions of cornmeal -- which look pretty substantial to me -- being doled out. Kimp tells us that they also snack on kernels of corn, which don't really pop so they just burn them instead. It looks like this really good corn snack stuff that you can order on the web. They're clearly quite proud of their product, Stan and Gladys are. Jesus is proud of their product, too. In any case, Lex Loser complains because the home-made corn hurts his teeth. If he'd heard of the "a-maizing corn snack," he'd be fully aware, due to its catchy and sophisticated motto, that it "won't break your teeth." Kimp goes on to say that they also eat "corn broth soup." We then see a despondent Lex Loser tell Ethan, "I'm eatin' it, even though I don't really want to." In a confessional, he explains that the soup is "just a watery gruel with some, you know, corn kernels in it." Frank sits off by himself basically gagging down the soup, and Tom tells us "it's like eatin' chalk twice a day." He says when you add corn to the soup, "then you've got chalk with some corn." Lex Loser burps through a mouthful of food. He's not only evil, he has bad table manners!
Now Ethan and Tom fetch firewood together and discuss the status of their alliance as it pertains to Lex Loser's vote in the last Tribal Council. In a confessional, Tom tells us that Lex Loser is worried, because he jeopardized the Boran alliance when he voted against Frank instead of Brandon. We now see Lex Loser is by himself fetching wood about six feet away from where Ethan and Tom are having their conversation...about him. Ethan tells Tom that before beginning the game, he was "totally 100% anti-alliance." He says he wanted to do it "[himself] and all by [himself]," but he concluded that it's impossible. Then they both agree, "You can't do it." Tom explains to Ethan that he feels betrayed by Lex Loser, and Ethan responds that he doesn't understand why Lex Loser didn't tell them he was voting separately. I'm confused: I thought Lex Loser did tell them he wouldn't vote against Brandon. In any case, Tom rants that Lex Loser did it on his own and in doing so proved he was only worried about himself. He says that only now is Lex Loser worried about the others. In a confessional, Ethan posits that Tom is "true" to Ethan and to Kimj, but that it will take a little bit to get Lex Loser back on Tom's good side. Tom then tells us he doesn't know what will happen in the future, but "from here on out, [he'll] have question with Lex Loser." Tom and Ethan carry their wood-laden stretcher past Lex Loser and Frank going the opposite way. They greet each other, and it's a moment packed with ominous tension and fearful angst. Except not.
A monkey eats; elephants eat; birds eat. The S7 don't eat, but do retrieve a little wobbly-headed pig from the treemail. I have a little turtle just like that wobbly-headed pig. It's made from a real nut! Tom puts his head to the little pig and asks, "What's the difference between the pig and this?" Ethan says, "No boil on the pig?" The others cackle and Teresa says she had the same answer to Tom's riddle. The pig has tusks, so maybe it's a boar? In any case, Teresa reads the clue aloud like she's reading to five-year-olds. In a way, she is. The poem is about needing strength down the road and having a "good carbo load." They're informed of protein and sugars headed their way, and also that "if [they] are clever, these gifts [they] may earn." Having already seen the upcoming event, I can't figure out wherein lies the clever. Getting there?
The S7 arrive at the designated site, and Peachy tells them that the day's reward challenge will be a break from the challenge and instead is just "pure reward." Each of the S7 has been given a "personalized wallet" with 20,000 Kenyan shillings inside. Peachy announces, "We're gonna have a little bit of an auction," and then yells, "Survivor auction!" because evidently they weren't enthusiastic enough. He also warns the S7 that the auction will end abruptly, because there is a predetermined number of items up for bid. The bidding will be in 500 shilling increments, and Peachy explains that $1 USD is roughly equivalent to 100 Kenyan shillings. I have no idea why the currency conversion even matters in this situation; all that matters is that they win some food and spend as much of their money as possible. Finally, the S7 are told that they can share auction items as long as they pool the money for the purchase, which seems like a ridiculous rule, but it doesn't matter, since it isn't enforced later anyway.
The first item up for auction is a hot cup of coffee with sugar, and "a nice big chocolate croissant." Peachy starts the beginning at 3,000 shillings; no one else wants this reward, so Lex Loser wins for the opening amount which Peachy proclaims "a bargain."
up is a cheese and crackers plate for 4,000 shillings. Kimj bids against Ethan and wins with a 6,000 shilling bid. As she prepares to bite into the hunk of cheese, she says to Just Peachy, "Look at that!"
Up is "a nice cold beer," and Peachy starts the bidding at 4,000 shillings. Trying to increase the desirability of the beverage he says, "Big Tom, you gotta be missing beer!" Big Tom isn't having it for 4,000 shillings, and says he'll give Peachy 1,000. Someone reminds Tom that the bidding started at 4,000 shillings, but he doesn't care. While the topic appears to remain under debate, Peachy bangs down the gavel and announces Tom the victor. Clearly, he wants Tom to have the beer. Tom dashes off the bleachers while the others cheer. As he prepares to chug, Tom says, "Sorry, boys!" because I guess no girls care about winning a beer -- they'd rather win knitting needles and bread machines and it's like that Brady Bunch episode when the boys want a rowboat and the girls want Kitty Carryall dolls or something equally gender-biased and finally they build a card house to determine which gender will prevail and Marcia's bracelet almost knocks over the card house but doesn't and then Tiger jostles Peter's hand and the boys lose but the girls go buy a television which makes everyone happy. Or something stupid like that. Anyway, Tom does a happy little jig as he drinks the beer. My husband dances like that! Tom returns to his seat on the bleachers and announces, "I can bid better with a little drink in me!" Ethan looks part amused, part scared as Tom sits to him.
The item is ice cream and chocolate syrup which causes Peachy to explain, "That there is a sundae!" Kimp "Oh my God"s and then places a 6,000 shilling bid. Tom bids against her, and Peachy warns, "It may not get any better than this." Ethan joins Tom in the bidding. At 10,500, Tom wants to "let her have it," but Ethan disagrees and they raise their bid to 11,000 shillings. Kimp is worried because she'll have no money left, but Tom and Ethan appear more amused than anything else. When Kimp's bid reaches 12,500 shillings, Tom and Ethan agree to let her have the prize. As Kimp tearfully pigs out, Lex Loser asks how the sundae is; she responds, "I can't talk!" Peachy rubs it in to the others: "How good does that chocolate syrup look right now?" and then Kimp brags about how hot it is. Peachy goads her into admitting that she overpaid for it, but she says it doesn't matter. Ethan then says he'll give Kimp 1,000 shillings for a bite, and she says she'll do it for 1,500. It doesn't appear that the transaction takes place.
, Peachy produces a "mug of pure chocolate syrup" and opens the bidding at 5,000 shillings; no one cheers when Ethan wins because they're confused as to why he bid in the first place. Ethan complains that the syrup is hot.
Everyone bids on the mystery item, except Lex Loser, who doesn't want to get "gooned." After asking Teresa to join her in the bidding and being turned down, Kimj wins anyway, but can't look as Peachy removes the lid and says, "You just won a hell of a meal," consisting of fried chicken, greens, and mashed potatoes. Lex Loser offers to give Kimj 7,000 shillings for half her meal, and Ethan says he'll trade 5,000 just for the potatoes. Kimj ignores these propositions and instead offers to sell Teresa one piece of chicken for 4,000 shillings, which seems really generous of her. Lex Loser really wants that chicken, and Teresa remains resistant. Peachy asks what she's holding out for, and Teresa answers, "Fried chicken and mashed potatoes." Kimj obviously wants to share the meal with Teresa, but Lex Loser continues bidding and finally wins half the meal.
The item up is intended to be another mystery, but Teresa crankily tells Peachy just to show it to them. As he reveals a hoagie, the other members of Mofo Maji urge Teresa to bid. She pools her money with Frank, and the two former Samburu members bid against the Boran collaboration of Tom and Ethan. When Tom runs out of money, he tells Teresa, "If you give me a thousand, I'll quit bidding." Hee. Finally, Teresa wins the hoagie and tells the others, "It's good enough to make you wanna slap your momma."
A third mystery item is presented; Tom and Ethan once again pool their money for it, and this time they win. As Tom goes to the front to claim his prize, Peachy says, "Now, I did you right last time...so we're even." Tom peeks underneath the lid, cringes, and sadly says, "He did me wrong." He then beings jumping up and down saying, "I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you!" But then he concludes, "...after I kiss you!" It turns out it's a breakfast plate of pancakes, ham, and eggs. Tom is overjoyed when he sees the food, and then even more excited when he realizes he's sharing the meal with someone who can't eat half of it. He begins yelling, "He's a Jew and he won't eat the ham! He's a Jew! He's a Jew!" ["He's also a vegetarian, but...whatever." -- Wing Chun] Ethan is clearly not taking offense to this; he's dying of laughter. Tom, meanwhile, continues running around and dancing with the plate in hand. Peachy wants him to settle down and eat. Tom continues gloating, and then says of Ethan being unable to eat the ham, "I mean, I hate it for him. I wished he would." Peachy invites Ethan to join Tom, and Ethan breakdances off the bleachers. Ham or no ham, he's still excited. Tom and Ethan rejoice in their prize while Kimp looks a little sad, because when you're starving I don't imagine whipped cream hits the spot quite the same way ham does. As he dismisses the tribe, Peachy says, "I hope you had fun." And Tom responds like a little kid, "I did. I did!"
A monkey kisses another monkey. How cute is that?
Walking back from the reward auction, Ethan can't believe he ate an entire pot of chocolate. Tom says, "That damn beer was good!" Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that he could definitely see alliance and relationship lines among Mofo Maji as they walked back from the challenge. He says that he and Kimj have always been close; that Tom and Ethan are also close; and that Frank and Teresa are close because they only have each other as allies at this point in the game. He points out that it was "kind of painfully obvious that Kimp was kind of on her own." He tells us, though, that people are taking care of her, and we see a clip of Tom putting his arms around her. Lex Loser adds that it was interesting to see the wheeling and dealing during the auction, and he thinks Tom walked away the biggest winner.
We see Ethan and Tom discussing how much they enjoyed their pancakes, and then Kimp tells us in a confessional that Tom is "not the most politically correct human being." We see a clip of Tom apologizing to Ethan for the excessive "Jew"-shouting, and then Ethan tells us in a confessional that Tom is only joking and doesn't mean any harm. Either Tom is really charming, or there's an incredible amount of tolerance amongst the other people on this show. Tom and Ethan play homemade checkers, and in a confessional, Ethan tells us he and Tom have a "brotherly" relationship: Tom makes fun of Ethan because he's Jewish and Ethan makes fun of Tom because he's fat and has a boil on his neck. Ethan calls Tom a "checkers shark," and then Kimp tells us she goes back and forth regarding whether Tom is for real or not. She thinks he's smarter than he lets on. Tom and Frank now play checkers, and Frank berates himself as he gets beaten. Kimj tells us that Tom plays the role of "good old boy," but that he's not as "backwoods-ish" as he wants people to believe. All this because Tom is making short order of other people at checkers? I never really thought of checkers as a strategic game -- more along the lines of tic tac toe than chess. Lex Loser says that Tom's "I'm a hayseed from Virginia; I'm not that smart" routine is just an act, and that it actually endears Tom to him. A little tornado blows around and it's neat-o. Then, animals run. Run, animals, run! Far away from Mark Burnett and his evil camerapeople/ flying-monkey henchmen! Ethan needs help identifying a zebra amongst the wildebeests. Those tricky zebras.
The Xylophone Music of Whim and Co-Ed Showering plays as Ethan tells us in a confessional that the tribe members have been keeping to their routine. He says they went to the watering hole and "Big Tom gave everyone a little shower." We see Tom pouring water over various people's heads as Ethan continues telling us that the members of Mofo Maji are completely comfortable with each other now; he doesn't mind changing or farting in front of the others anymore. Tom pours water over Ethan, and Teresa raises her eyebrows in an appraising way as Ethan scrubs down his happy trail. Hee. Tom tells the girls to "back off!" And this is all well and good until the creepiness sets in: a very disturbed cameraman is obsessed with Kimp's ass. She picks a wedgie, and the camera pauses lasciviously over her butt. It looks like part of her butt is being blurred, but I can't really understand why they'd do that unless maybe there's some sort of logo on her ass. In any case, multiple lingering shots of Kimp's butt ensue. I'd be really bothered were I her and watching this. Now Tom pours water down Kimp's shirt and she laughs. Lex Loser seems jealous as he tells us that Tom was having a really good time with the ladies. This is followed by more disturbing close-up shots of Kimp's anatomy including, to complement the prior wedgie pick, a camel-toe pick. In a confessional, Kimp tells us that Tom is harmless and "it's not like he's gonna, like, jump our bones." She says if he catches a peek of something, more power to him, and she thinks it does no good to take offense because she doesn't want to lose any friendships or disrupt the flow. Tom makes the creepy cameraman really happy by throwing water on Kimp's butt and thus creating another occasion for further wet butt footage. Tom then begins doing some sort of flapping-armed bird dance and then a hip wiggle which is just like a dance my husband does. Come to think of it, Tom's shameless antics are quite a lot like my husband's. I love you, honey! Ethan tells us that the tribe is like a family now. He says the new closeness makes the game more difficult for him, because tomorrow he'll have to vote one of "these people" off. And for the record, I always refer to my family and close friends as "these people."
The S7 arrive, clueless in more ways than one, at the challenge site: an abandoned boma. Peachy is happy to strip Lex Loser of the immunity dog collar. Or maybe I'm just happy and projecting my emotions on Just Peachy. I do that sometimes. The members of Mofo Maji sit on stumps as Peachy announces that the challenge will test how well they each remember the "African story" he will tell them. He points out that contained within the boma are seven gated stations (which looks like outhouses). In each one, there is a question and two ostrich eggs. The competitors will break open the ostrich egg corresponding to what they think is the correct answer to the question, and if they are right, the egg will contain a colored leather swatch that they will tie to a staff. Only one of the S7 at a time is allowed in a station. The first person back in the circle at the center of the boma with five of the seven questions answered correctly and five leather ties on his/her staff wins immunity.
Peachy tells the gathered members of Mofo Maji, "Okay, story time." Basically, the story goes on, and I could retell it here, but I won't. There's goat sacrificing and blood drinking and tooth extracting and ear piercing and special gum finding and head shaving and family shaming and then there's body dragging and dying and hyena feeding. And right in the middle of the story there's penis cutting. In any case, Peachy concludes, "From birth to death, a hard life." He then says, "Let's get it on," but he doesn't mean what Marvin Gaye means. Really, I would have been far more interested in watching the S7 enact the trials of the Masai warrior, but maybe that's just me.
The challenge begins, and Lex Loser knows that while searching for the gum of the special tree, a warrior subsists solely on food provided by others. He gets a leather swatch. Frank knows that when a warrior dies, the other warriors shave their heads; Frank gets a colored swatch as well. The wrong answer for this question was, "He is taken from camp and left in the bush for hyenas to eat," and I thought that was right, too, so I'm confused. I think these are trick questions. Tom gets one wrong and says, "Oh, hay-ell!" Kimj knows that the most important aspect of the circumcision is the reaction of the warrior. Again, a trick question: her other choice was finding the special gum, and really that seems more important to me, because if the warrior does not find the special gum, then the ritual can't even begin. But maybe this is why I do poorly on logic tests. Ethan is asked what must be done when a child is born, and he does not know that a goat must be sacrificed. Actually, he probably does know that, but he gets tripped up by yet another trick question: the almost correct answer which claims that the mother must drink for four days the blood of a cow when it's actually the blood of said sacrificed goat. At this point, Lex Loser, Frank, and Kimj are tied with one each, and I fear the challenge will go on forever, but it speeds up. Kimp knows that the best day for any ritual is the eighth day of moonlight. Teresa, like Kimj, remembers that it's the "the reaction of the warrior" that counts. Lex Loser answers a question which has the correct response of "the piercing of the ear," and then we see Frank gets another one right, too. It's much more fun to see Tom mess up and respond with another "aw, hay-ell!"
A montage of questionless hits and misses ensues, Lex Loser looking typically manic. We arrive at a point in the challenge where Lex Loser and Frank are in the lead with four leather ties each, and everyone else has only three. Those staffs look pretty. Pretty colors. Ah. But aha! One tie falls off Lex Loser's staff as he answers his final question, and he doesn't realize it until he arrives in the winner's circle. He realizes what's happened and dashes off to find the missing sash, while Peachy announces to the others that "Lex Loser says he has five but he can't find his fifth!" Lex Loser runs back to where he dropped the tie, retrieves it, and returns to the winner's circle. He is frantically trying to tie the leather piece on his staff as Frank gets his fifth question right and runs to the circle. Just before Frank gets there, Lex Loser completes his staff and so wins immunity for the second week in a row. Peachy stands on a platform and crowns Lex Loser like it's the Olympics or something, saying, "You're not goin' down." Frank made a noble effort, but his head is bowed in defeat, so I think he knows he's going .
Kirstie Alley, how the never-mighty have fallen.
It's now Day 30, and The Peaceful Music of I'm Being Voted Off But I Don't Care Because I've Discovered The Meaning of Life plays as we join the back of Frank's swaying, backlit head. In a confessional, he tells us that being in Africa is an awesome experience, and that the sunrise is beautiful. He says that most people are too busy and don't take a moment to stop and watch. Frank continues philosophizing about how small the world is and the passing of time and the meaning of life and death and the importance of having perspective. We see that the other members of Mofo Maji are also staring at the sunrise, which is an unusual technique for Mark Burnett. Usually he features one tribe member waxing poetic, while another picks his nose to show how much worthier the first -- who's about to get kicked off -- is. Frank tells us that his love of being in Africa grows everyday. He says he loves the outdoors, the wildlife, and even the people "in a way, as well."
And then, in a very unconvincing yet still not sarcastic way, he says, "You know, I love to mingle with people." At camp, we see Frank say through gritted teeth, "'Morning, Ethan," and this is followed by a very awkward and formal exchange of greetings and salutations. Ethan tells Kimp in a joking and comfortable way that he loves the soup, and Frank stiffly adds, "It's always very tasteful." In his continued confessional, Frank tells us it was a wonderful morning and says, "I was just adding to the, uh, wonderful atmosphere and just socializing" so the others could see "there's a soft, sensual side of [him]." Again, this doesn't seem overtly sarcastic, but with the content that follows, it's hard to see it as anything but, unless Frank is truly without a shred of self-awareness. Which would not surprise me, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. For about thirty seconds, anyway. Frank sits beside Ethan on the cart and spouts his opinion on the evils of gun control. He thinks people can use anything to kill and announces to the tribe, "A piece of fishing line, I could kill somebody with." He then proceeds to list all the things he could kill people with -- cars, drug overdoses, malpractice. He doesn't say a pair of white-tail buck antlers, but I'm sure that's what they're all thinking. Kimp tries to get Frank to be quiet; in a confessional she says that it's fine for Frank to be opinionated, but that this -- the morning of a Tribal Council -- is not the proper time. We return to the group as Frank continues ranting about "these little liberal special-interest groups" and the media and "the average working-class Americans that founded this country." Brandon may have had a morning talk-show career ahead of him, but Frank may well have a conservative radio show in his future. Again, the others insist that he be quiet. Ethan looks like he wishes he could be anywhere but sitting on a cart in Africa to Frank. In a confessional, Teresa tells us, "Once again, Frank is Frank"; we then see Frank brag that the NRA invited him to its national convention. Teresa continues telling us that Lex Loser was shaking his head and Ethan was silently bothered. She talks to Tom about Frank and Tom concludes, "He ain't gonna change." Teresa explains that it's the day of a Tribal Council and thus not the day to piss people off, but she started from the very beginning of the game with an alliance to Frank, and she's not giving up on him now. Unless of course you consider "giving up on him" to be voting against him in Tribal Council.
A wasp crawls into Mofo Maji's water spigot. Ants crawl on things, too, and then Lex Loser whispers to Ethan that things couldn't be any better for the Boran alliance; he says it's going exactly as they want it to go. Teresa whispers to a leather suitcase -- oh, wait, that's Kimj -- that the men are controlling the game and making all the decisions. She says, "If nothing else, I'd like to see the women get in there." In a confessional, Kimp tells us that she and Teresa aren't ready to give up yet; they're scrambling to figure out what they can do to stay in the game. Teresa tells Kimj how great Ethan is and how no one can say a bad thing about him. She says that if Kimj comes up against any of the Boran men in the final vote, she will lose. Teresa then tells us in a confessional that she knows it's a long shot, but that if she can persuade Kimj to vote against Ethan, then they might be able to stay in the game. Kimj humors Teresa and pretends to count out on her fingers the new women-and-Frank alliance, and then Teresa tells us in a confessional that she could be hurt by turning to Kimj, but it's her only chance. We see Kimj approach Ethan and rat out Teresa. In a confessional, she explains her awareness of the Boran men's lack of allegiance to her; nevertheless, she tells Teresa she will remain true to her Boran allies. Kimj knows she had the opportunity to save the Samburus, but didn't do it in the end, and now she worries that she might be hurt by that decision. Teresa whispers to Frank that it's "not coming together," and he says he's knows it's not, and bows his head again. Much as I don't agree with what Frank has to say, I prefer him stupid and blustery and opinionated than head-bowed and beaten.
Mofo Maji arrives at Tribal Council. Brandon, in his Hot Topic muscle shirt, and Kelly, in Africa-inspired Burberry plaid, strut in. Peachy congratulates the remaining players on making it almost a full month in the game. He re-explains how in Survivor the power gradually shifts from the remaining players to the jury, and wonders how they can vote against people and then expect their allegiances later. He calls out Teresa as he cites Kelly and Brandon as "people [she] had a hand in voting out." Teresa thinks that she's playing fair; she just hopes they'll respect her decisions. Ethan says that you have to hope that how you treated people before their eliminating vote will put you in a good light. He points out that he knows it's just a game, but in the end you still have to look out for yourself. Peachy asks Lex Loser whether he expects the game to turn ugly. Lex Loser responds the game has already gone through ugly times, has turned for the better, and will turn ugly again. He thinks that everyone there -- whether still in the game or on the jury -- came to play and win, and that it is possible to play with integrity, but it's also naïve to dismiss the fact that the essence of Survivor is a "bones-to-bones competition." Peachy asks Frank whether the old tribal lines remain, and Frank says they're a new tribe with a new name. He says "everyone belonged to it" and that strategy now is all about the new tribe. Finally, Peachy asks Kimj whether she feels safe because she's weak and thus not a threat, or if she fears that her likeability will make her a target. She says she's always worried, and that she'd be worried if she were strong, too. Isn't that the point? She says it doesn't matter how weak or how strong she is: if she's supposed to be to go, she'll go. Lex Loser's irritating fatalism has rubbed off.
It's time for the vote, and Kimj goes first. We don't see for whom she votes, but the camera focuses on Teresa's face as Kimj says, "I've enjoyed you as a person, but we have to vote somebody off and you're my logical choice. I'll miss you, though." Kimp votes and we don't see who she votes for either, but we're supposed to think it's Tom or Ethan. She says, "It's been good for me to be around someone so different from myself and learn from you. I'm glad that we actually got to spend some time together." Teresa shocks the hell out of the viewing audience by voting for Frank. She insists that it's not a vote of betrayal but one of strategy, and then she thanks Frank for his friendship and kisses her vote. She returns to her seat, massages Frank's neck, and bawls. Lex Loser looks smug; Tom looks cross-eyed; Ethan looks not-so-pretty in his do-rag.
Peachy reads the votes, which are devoid of suspense: Frank, Kimj, Frank, Frank, Frank. Frank's fourth vote is enough, and he's called to turn in his torch. Teresa looks hopeful for a hug or at least some eye contact, but she's denied. Frank stands very erect for the extinguishing of his torch. If he shows any emotion, his family will be shamed forever. I'm confused. Peachy sends the remaining Mofo Maji members back to camp and a parting shot of the jury reveals that neither Kelly or Brandon look pleased at the elimination of their mutual enemy. Then again, they just realized they've been sentenced to a week in his company.
week on Survivor: Kimj needs some serious sunblock; Teresa wants to form the new Spice Girls, and all the S6 receive videos from home. Tune in to see what kind of woman married Big Tom. It's almost as much of a mystery as what kind of man married Sue Hawk.
As the credits roll, we confirm that it was a unanimous vote for Frank except for his own vote, against Kimj. Frank's sweet farewell speech is sob-inducing. He talks about his "lovely wife" and his family's "unselfish sacrifices," and tells them that as their husband, father, and friend, he apologizes for not winning. He loves them and misses them and thanks them, and down the road he promises to "make all [their] dreams come true." And then he throws himself on his extinguished torch.