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On the 27th day of Survivor, Mark Burnett gave to me: 27 lumps of elephant dung; 26 migraine headaches; 25 leaping lions; 24 Lex Loser "gut" mentions; 23 plotting faces; 22 "like"s and "you know"s; 21 abandoned bomas; 20 mindless challenges; 19 piggy-backing monkeys; 18 gratuitous skin shots; 17 swarming insects; 16 surly cameramen; 15 cups of cow blood; 14 dancing Tom shots; 13 plugs for Verizon; 12 goats a-running; 11 flaming arrows; 10 Tribal Councils; 9 clumps of cornmeal; 8 ethnic slurs; 7 players playing; 6 bouts of diarrhea; 5 awful clues! Four Boran allies; 3 Samburus; 2 jury members; and Just Peachy beneath an acacia tree!
Ahem. Season's Greetings!
Last week on Survivor: Tom had a "massive boil," and Ethan had never before seen one that big. Brandon paid the price for his prior week's Samburu betrayal; now seven remain.
We open the show on Night 27 with shots of a starry sky and one of the aforementioned leaping lions. Kimp reminds us that Brandon was voted off during the last Tribal Council. She says that although they had been "pals" since their early Samburu days, she felt betrayed and could no longer trust him. Even though she knows the vote was part of the game, it "still tugged at [her] heart a little bit." Kimp looks more and more Elisabethan these days. (As in "like Elisabeth.") Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that his alliance with Tom, Ethan, and Kimj is now at an advantage because they have claimed the majority vote. He also says that the other members of Boran knew he wouldn't vote against Brandon. Night-vision shots of various Mofo Maji members reveal nothing of interest whatsoever. Then Lex Loser and Kimj whisper about being "solid" and agree that they are "100%." Ethan tells us that Lex Loser's vote "redefined" and "pushed the limits" of their alliance. He says Lex Loser gave his word to the Boran alliance as well as to Brandon and concludes that Lex Loser "kinda went out on his own and covered his own ass." Ethan then wonders to Kimj, "Why was his word just as strong with Brandon as it was with us?" Kimj agrees with Ethan instead of attempting to answer his question because that's what she does and that's what's gotten her so far in the game. In a confessional, she tells us that as much as the male Boran members proclaim their intention to go into the finals as a threesome, she believes that they're all skeptical of each other. In a "crunch time," she believes they will turn on each other, and someone will be voted off. As opposed, of course, to Mark Burnett changing the rules and letting the game end in a three-way tie.
“ Kimp tells us that the perimeter of their camp is completely enclosed, but that the acacia bushes are only six feet tall, and if a lion 'wanted in,' it would be able to get over it. 'Perimeter' is an inherently scary word, I think. It's always used in war stories and Alien movies and math. ”
Now it's time for the portion of the show where the producers attempt to convince us that the competitors are in any real danger. Ethan and Kimp (or, as Ethan calls her, "Little Kim") are on the 2 to 4 AM night watch shift, and a lion is making loud noises. Ethan tells us in a confessional that they kept hearing the lion getting closer and closer. We see Ethan conclude that the lion is probably stalking them, but he doesn't know why a stalking lion would be so loud. Presumably a lion looks at them, but one should never presume when Mark Burnett is anywhere near the editing room. Kimp tells Ethan she thinks lions make noises when they're calling other lions to feed. Kimp tells us in a confessional that the night was frightening because they had no idea what the lion wanted. She wonders whether the lion was just communicating with the other lions, or whether it was specifically summoning the other lions in because it smelled them? In other words, was it a "Hey there, how's it hangin'?" kind of growl-out, or was it a "Dinner is now being served in the northwest boma" kind of growl-out? Kimp keeps "Oh my God"-ing while Ethan looks typically paranoid. She tells us that the perimeter of their camp is completely enclosed, but that the acacia bushes are only six feet tall, and if a lion "wanted in," it would be able to get over it. "Perimeter" is an inherently scary word, I think. It's always used in war stories and Alien movies and math. Anyway, Kimp sucks on her index finger and Ethan posits that "it's close." Suddenly, Tom joins them; he puts his arm around Ethan and says, "I'll protect ya!" In her confessional, Kimp says of the lions that "obviously they live right here, and they must watch us every day when we go for water or as we come out in the morning and do stuff." If I were her, I'd be more creeped out by the cameramen watching her everyday, since they seem equally interested as evidenced by their obsession with her butt later in this episode. She concludes of the wild animals, "They are really here!" Ethan tells us he feels very vulnerable because the land belongs to the lions and he's just living there for thirty-nine days. Then the lion grunts off, and Ethan, Kimp, and Tom conclude that it's gone for good. Ethan makes some "gimp, gimp, gimp" noises to represent its exit.
It's daybreak, and a monkey yawns. It's not the cute kind of monkey, either. Lex Loser, looking typically evil, drinks something. Ethan is exhausted. Repeated falls can do that to a person. Lex Loser tells us that being in the bush for a month has started taking its toll on the S7. Everyone feels weaker and more lethargic, and Lex Loser thinks it's interesting because it happened to each of them at the same time. He says they feel comfortable admitting these weaknesses because everyone feels the same way. Ethan is hooded as he stumbles about. In a confessional, he tells us that he feels like he's walking underwater, because his steps are slow and his legs are shaky. He says, "You don't pick your feet up as high off the ground 'cause you just don't want to." He says it's so bad that he's stumbling over "little roots," evidently forgetting that, before, he was stumbling over nothing at all.
“ Lex Loser burps through a mouthful of food. He's not only evil, he has bad table manners! ”
A close-up shot of Kimj's legs reveal that she's been wearing her tube socks too tight. Lex Loser and Kimp inform us in separate confessionals about the sad status of Kimj's severely swollen legs. Again, she just needs some bigger socks. Kimp tells us Kimj can hardly lace her sneakers, and everyone gathers to stare and comment on Kimj's legs. Lex Loser is amazed, observing, "You just push with your finger and it stays! It's like silly putty or something." Kimj reveals that the swell is climbing up her body and announces, "Wait'll it gets to my breasts!" Insert appropriate Pamela Anderson joke here. Lex Loser tells us that the bodies of the S7 are showing signs of trouble; this is followed by a close-up shot of Frank's scarred legs. He explains that in the past three days their weight loss has started to show. We see Tom lying down on his back; he's sucking it in and his ribs aren't exactly showing, but nor is a big pile of fat. Lex Loser says, "Man, you've lost a ton of weight!" and Tom says he thinks that he's lost forty pounds. We see that Frank also looks very thin.
The tribe prepares for a morning meal, and Lex Loser states their options are "the mush" and "the gruel." He tells us that the tribe eats two small meals a day -- he thinks it's a couple hundred calories, if that -- and in doing so, they're fooling their bodies into thinking they're getting enough nutrition. We see the portions of cornmeal -- which look pretty substantial to me -- being doled out. Kimp tells us that they also snack on kernels of corn, which don't really pop so they just burn them instead. It looks like this really good corn snack stuff that you can order on the web. They're clearly quite proud of their product, Stan and Gladys are. Jesus is proud of their product, too. In any case, Lex Loser complains because the home-made corn hurts his teeth. If he'd heard of the "a-maizing corn snack," he'd be fully aware, due to its catchy and sophisticated motto, that it "won't break your teeth." Kimp goes on to say that they also eat "corn broth soup." We then see a despondent Lex Loser tell Ethan, "I'm eatin' it, even though I don't really want to." In a confessional, he explains that the soup is "just a watery gruel with some, you know, corn kernels in it." Frank sits off by himself basically gagging down the soup, and Tom tells us "it's like eatin' chalk twice a day." He says when you add corn to the soup, "then you've got chalk with some corn." Lex Loser burps through a mouthful of food. He's not only evil, he has bad table manners!