Last week on Survivor, we endured The Clip Gyp. The week before that the tribes merged into Mofo Maji, and Clarence got voted out. Nine are left, at least one of whom is psychotic because he received a vote at last week's Tribal Council.
It's Day 21 at Mofo Maji. We see shots of the sun, the racing landscape, a skull, and Lex. In the background, someone -- I think Ethan -- exclaims, "I'm telling ya -- thirty chickens!" I don't know what that's all about, but then Lex Loser begins his diabolical tangent and so we'll never know. He tells us in a confessional that when Mofo Maji went to last night's Tribal Council they "kind of" had a "unanimous consensus" that they'd all vote together for Clarence. "Kind of" and "unanimous" don't really go together. Regardless, he says he was surprised to receive two votes and that he was "pissed off" and "furious." He thought Clarence might vote for him, but that the second vote surprised him. Kelly and Lex Loser sit side by side and count off names of the people they're sure did not cast the vote: they discount themselves immediately and also Tom and Ethan. In a confessional, Lex Loser says, "The person that threw that vote at me, and that now chooses to hide, torques me." "Torque" is not a verb. Toque is Wing Chun's sister. Lex Loser continues ranting that he's been unable to figure out who voted for him in order to "smoke 'em out right away." He announces to Kelly, "I will not live with a snake. I will cut the head off of whoever it is that did this." He says whoever "poisoned this" -- that "scheming mind" -- is going down ; in addition, he proclaims, "That is just the way it is. I'm gonna take 'em out. And I'm gonna slit their fucking throats." Lex is funny. Funny, that is in a terrifying, keeps-me-up-at-night sort of way.
In a confessional, Kelly tells us that Lex Loser is being a "total jerk." She says, "What do you expect in this game? I mean, I'm sorry someone voted against you, Mr. Ego. Deal with it." Kelly's on to him: Mr. Ego must be Lex Loser's alter ego! Lex Loser then forces Kelly to swear on her brother, his name, and on both her parents that she didn't vote for him. She says she would swear to that, and Lex Loser want to know if she would swear to it or if she actually is swearing to it. Oh, that pesky auxiliary verb wordplay. They then pinky swear. Except they don't. But they might as well. Kelly says in a confessional, "It really wasn't me, but screw you, Lex [Loser], if you're gonna sit here and yell at me, like you're my dad and I'm five and I just spilled cookies, for something I didn't do." Now Brandon has joined Lex Loser and Kelly on their log. Kelly asks him if he slept well, and he exclaims, "I did! I'm a pretty happy camper." Lex Loser manically swats at imaginary flies. Or maybe he has a tick. Not the kind Lindsey had on her butt. Brandon says in a confessional that the vote Lex Loser is upset by is "inconsequential" to the game, and that the obsession has "so much to do with Lex Loser's ego." He tells us, "Somebody was just screwin' with his head and it worked. Makes me wish I had done it." Hee. Kimj's announcement that she's going to make soup for breakfast does little to break up the monotony of Lex Loser's montage of obsession. He tells us that at this point in the game he's worried because there's a "snake amongst [them], and [he doesn't] know who it is." He's worried because that person could "act like a cancer and start rotting [Boran's] plans from the inside out." He says "smoke 'em out" about fifteen time in three seconds.
In a confessional, a weathered-but-still-cute looking Teresa tells us that Lex Loser was distraught, and that it was terrible. She says the second vote he received was all he could think about, and that she hadn't anticipated its impact. She says she thought, "Shoot, ten votes; he got two, didn't get eight. Oh, what's the big deal? He's here." Back at camp, she paints something with "honor" written on it. Then, a piggybacking monkey scuttles by with a sign that has "irony" written on it. Lex Loser approaches Teresa and says, "Somebody around here is claiming to be something that they're not." We're supposed to think -- led, I suppose, by our collective "gut" -- that this is some sort of accusation. We cut back to Teresa's confessional, in which she tells us that everyone knows Clarence cast the first vote for Lex Loser, but that the tribe doesn't know she cast the second. "It was me!" she exclaims, then whispers, "I mean, I did it. I'm sick that I did it now." Lex tells Teresa that he wants her to know he has no suspicions against her whatsoever. He says he's going to let the situation go, because whoever did it "is probably gonna hang themselves, and that's the way it is." He then moots what he just said about letting go by adding that he wishes he knew "definitively, for sure" who cast the vote so that he could "take care of it." His x-ray, crazy man eyes pierce a hole in my television set. Piglet hides. Teresa tells us that she plans to keep quiet for a while longer about having cast the vote that spawned a thousand "gut" comments because she's not ready to leave yet. Her hair looks pretty when it's down. Lex Loser tells Teresa that from the moment he met her, he trusted her. He says, "I trust my gut over my eyes any day." What does that mean? Did he see Teresa cast her vote? He says, "My gut told me that you're the real deal." Lex and Teresa thank each other and Teresa tips Lex Loser's hat. Teresa finishes up her confessional by claiming that she's been straight up with everyone all along; now, she's not being straight up, for obvious reasons, and that bothers her a lot. And now I have Paula Abdul stuck in my head -- though, thankfully, not literally. Because I know she's tiny, but I still don't think she'd fit inside my head. In any case, as Lex walks away, Teresa whispers under her breath, "I hate this game."
Kelly and an unrecognizable Kimp check treemail, which is accompanied by a musical instrument. Kelly tells the others it's "like an African music-making device." The clue is about "co-ordination" and "persistence" and "run[ning] out of breath" and also about "fun," "leverage," "focus," and the fact that they "don't wanna miss." It also mentions an unusually cool reward. As the clue is read, Lex Loser takes out his aggressions on the innocent instrument. Then, an alligator angrily thrashes around. Because Lex Loser is angry, you see? And thrashing angrily around?
The tribe arrives at the challenge site and Peachy announces that it will involve "a little bit of co-ordination; whole lot of persistence." They're each given nine items; the goal is to get all of the items into a basket on top of a tower using a plank as a springboard. The items include a rope, a cornhusk, four big bags, two little bags, and possibly a skull. Peachy warns the S9 that the items must be catapulted into the basket one at a time and that they'll need to adjust for wind. The prize? Two goats. Not for dinner, but to barter in a local village for "whatever [they] deem important." Peachy adds, "And the merchant who you trade with will be able to increase his herd of goats which increases his wealth." I guess this gratuitous explanation is intended to head off critics who think Survivor is making a mockery out of non-Western ways of life. Instead Survivor and its goats are promoting the Kenyan economy! The goats are brought out by two locals, and we are reunited with Charles, first seen at the blood-drinking challenge. It turns out Charles was the name of the Kenyan, not the cow, and if Charles turns up one more time, he'll have to join the union. He's also brought along with him his brother, Isaac.
The challenge begins, and objects start flying everywhere except in the baskets. Tom, incidentally, is wearing a stars-and-stripes hat. Ethan gets two items in fairly quickly; then Kimj gets one; then Lex Loser. Ethan scores a third and then -- as he's long overdue -- trips. Kelly whines that her board keeps breaking. The game proceeds until Peachy announces that Ethan has only two items remaining; Lex Loser has three, and Brandon has four. When Ethan is down to one item: the rope, Kimp laughs at herself for still having none. My hatred of Kimp, by the way, has significantly diminished since the start of the season. Peachy announces, "Ethan, you're on your last one, but Lex [Loser] is right on your heels!" Brandon berates himself, and Kelly finally gets one in, causing Peachy to exclaim, "Kelly, welcome to the game!" The end of the game, but still. Ethan wins -- because this is nothing like hacky sack or soccer -- and it looks like Brandon really wanted those goats based on his frustrated disappointment. Kimj earnestly congratulates Ethan on the victory, then Peachy tells him "the deal": he'll take care of Ethan's goats overnight and will fetch Ethan in the morning. He suggests that Ethan might like to bring along with him to the village some additional items for bartering. As we go to commercial, the goats look concerned. As well they should.
It's Day 23 at Mofo Maji. The tribe members gather belongings for Ethan to trade, as he says, "at the old marketplace or wherever." Brandon tells Ethan that if his hat can get stuff for everyone, that's fine. Ethan shows us the hat collection he's amassed and says, "This hat wants something sweet; this hat might want a belt or a bracelet; this hat wants..." Kimj cuts him off and exclaims, "Anything!" And Ethan concludes, "Anything...other than this hat." Hee. And another hee. But when they get kicked off, or when they win the million, can't they go trade their own hats for bracelets? I can see asking Ethan for food, but why not wait and do your own accessorizing? As the tribe eats, Peachy arrives with a big "Yo, Ethan!" and he sounds just like my friend Greg. It's uncanny. Peachy is all smirky as he asks how their breakfast is. Lex Loser says, "We got a little gray gruel goin'." Ethan shows Peachy his intended bartering items; then Peachy asks the others to walk Ethan to the Survivor truck, where Peachy points out that it's the same driver who dumped them in African on the first day. They all reminisce and mock the driver by imitating him. Peachy is yelling, "Up, up, up, up," but the driver never told them to go up, did he? Ethan climbs on the truck and says, "Hey, goats." Peachy then says he's afraid Ethan will be unable to handle the goats by himself, and that Ethan should pick someone from the tribe to help him out on the mission. In a confessional, Ethan tells us the situation was hugely political and he didn't want to pick anyone. He picks Lex Loser only because he came in second in the challenge, and everyone yells that it's a good choice because they're happy to be free of Lex Loser for a day. Frank teases, "If you gotta trade Lex [Loser], you know, get some more."
As the truck goes careening down the road stirring up dust, one goat hides underneath the other. People by the side of the road shoo the truck away and make rude -- though appropriate -- gestures at it. Or maybe they're just waving. In a confessional, Lex Loser complains about having to "keep a couple goats calm, and keep them still." Well, if it's such a trial, then he shouldn't have gone. He says the ride is bumpy and it's an "absolute ball-buster." Good-natured Ethan grins and pets the goats while Lex Loser pouts. A dog appears that looks like Piglet except it's light brown -- Piglet is black, but her features-enhancing natural highlights are caramel-colored.
Ethan tells us that they arrived in a town called Wamba that is one small street with stores on it. And lots of skeptical-looking residents. Lex Loser says the trip was a "surreal experience," and he and Ethan agree that they're experiencing "culture shock." How sad that they've been in Africa for twenty-three days and are only just now feeling like they're encountering a different way of life. Lex Loser didn't know that when they arrived at the village it would be up to him and Ethan to actually "get the goats off." Now there's a visual I didn't need. As Ethan and Lex Loser try to unload the goats, Lex Loser says it will be "pure comedy." Ethan gently picks up a goat and says it's "not that bad," as Lex Loser stands on the ground waiting for the hand-off. Ethan carries the goat to the edge of the truck, squats with it, and then tips backward. He laughs it off and hands the goat to Lex Loser from a sitting position. When Lex Loser receives the full weight of the goat, he tips backwards, too. Those little goats wear their weight very well. In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that a crowd of locals was watching "two very out-of-place guys chucking goats out of huge trucks [sic]." He says they were a "laughingstock" before even setting food in the village. Some cute kids laugh -- maybe at Lex Loser and Ethan, maybe at Ethan's hair; I couldn't say.
Ethan and Lex Loser have now successfully unloaded the goats, and now stand in the middle of the dirt road looking perplexed. Lex Loser says to Ethan, "Now, you won this, right? This was a reward, right?" He thinks it's more like a punishment or a hazing. Ethan good-naturedly weathers Lex Loser's jokes and the awkwardness of the situation. Lex Loser obviously likes to be in control, and Janet Jackson shoves Paula out of my brain cavity. Ethan tells us in a confessional that he knows nothing about goats and was unsuccessfully looking around for a hint or a direction. He says everyone was staring at him and Lex Loser, and that they were in the "hot seat." He panicked, so they just started "shopping 'em around." As they set out, Ethan jokingly asks, "We don't stand out, though, do we?" and Lex responds, "No, not at all." Hee. Samburu happy music plays. I suppose they figure they can reuse it here since we didn't have much occasion to hear it earlier.
Ethan and Lex Loser walk down the street and tell a well-dressed man that they're selling a goat. He offers them one third the amount they ask for, so they move on. The goats, meanwhile, struggle desperately to escape. Clearly they're embarrassed. Ethan and Lex Loser walk up to some people on the street and ask, "Do you know who wants to buy goats?" It sounds like a riddle. They walk up to some men standing in a doorway and ask, "We're selling a goat; anybody interested?" They walk up to some little girls sitting on a bench and ask, "Do you wanna buy a goat?" There are no takers until a man picks up one of the goats and complains that it's small. Lex Loser baby-talks that, "He's a baby." The man wants only one of the goats, but finally agrees to take both for their original asking price. Money is exchanged, for which Lex Loser says, "Danke schön." He then realizes that the buyer will probably sell the goats immediately for more money. Ethan wants to know where the goats are going, so they decide to follow the buyer. In a confessional, Lex Loser insists that they could have gotten attached to the goats. He says he thought they'd end up as "happy goats" -- in a flock or on a farm -- and that they would "cruise around the countryside eating grass and maybe mating or whatever." Instead, we find out that the buyer made "a beeline" straight for the butcher. Lex Loser and Ethan are slightly bothered, but they look at the positives: they now have the equivalent of $25 to spend on Nature Company trinkets.
More shots of adorable kids. A shot of two appealing nose-to-nose donkeys. A close-up of a grinning child whose cuteness is diminished by the insect crawling on his face. As Lex Loser and Ethan head off to spend their money, Lex Loser tells us they were "clearly a couple of things to see in that village." He and his giant ego surely do not mind the "constant entourage" he says followed them around staring at them. He tells us that a villager "obviously that's in the know" claimed he would take them to the best place in town -- a restaurant. It would have been funny if it was a brothel, though. Lex tells us that they asked for a menu, but that the restaurant didn't have one. Instead, the proprietor listed three meal choices: maize, meat, and french fries. Lex Loser tells us that he and Ethan didn't want anything to do with the maize because "that's the mush we're eatin' here," and they didn't feel "super-safe" with the meat because they "saw a lot of cats kind of milling around and "weren't quite sure what that meant." ["Plus Ethan is a vegetarian, though Lex Loser is probably too self-involved to know that or care about it." -- Wing Chun] They agree that french fries sound perfect. The "restaurant" is under a tent, and Ethan and Lex Loser sit at one solitary blue picnic table. I have trouble accepting that this is an authentic restaurant and not something orchestrated by Just Peachy to look like an authentic restaurant -- like when Kelly from the firstSurvivorwon the trip to the fake island bar. Ethan tells us that he ordered a soda, and that it was "cold and it was crisp." He and Lex Loser toast each other, and Lex Loser thanks Ethan for choosing him. Ethan looks like he's got Bob Dole-arm here. Children stare at them as they wait for their food.
When the food arrives, the french fries look more like home fries, and I'd be disappointed because I like french fries but I can take or leave home fries. I LURVE McDonald's hash browns, though. Whatever it is, it's a whole lot of potatoes. Ethan comments that they're the best french fries he's had in his life. In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that the platter was huge and that it was "swimming in about an eighth of an inch of, like, grease or oil, which was perfect." He says he's been deprived of lard, grease, and fat for a month, so the meal was like "ambrosia." Back at the table, Ethan starts retching and heaving. He suddenly runs off to a little shack, and we see a shot of a small, rectangular hole in the ground as he dashes through the door. In a confessional he tells us that the food was a shock to his system because his stomach had shrunk. He doesn't regret having eaten the food, but says it went right through him. Of the latrine, he says, "It's like solitary confinement. I wouldn't wanna go there again, that's for sure." He adds, "You hadda do it, you know. You can't not do it." We see a relieved-looking Ethan emerge from the latrine while five kids stand, like, two feet away, watching him. He returns to the table and resumes eating. Meanwhile, Lex Loser has polished off his entire plate and appears to be having no digestive issues at all. In a confessional, he tells us that his stomach hasn't felt full in a long time, and that he felt great.
on the agenda: finding sweets and goods for the tribe in the village. Ethan and Lex Loser head off to the "Wamba Marketplace," which also has the distinct look of a set. I'm not saying it is a set, but it sure looks like one. Another Wamba resident has attached himself to them, and Lex Loser asks, "You'll be fair with us, right?" which surely is a nice, respectful question. There are shoes and fruits in the market. Lex Loser tells us that after their "thousand-shilling meal" they only have six hundred shillings left for trading. Lots of bracelets are shown. Ethan thinks he can't afford something until he realizes he has sunglasses in his bag. The glasses go straight from Ethan's bag to the face of a man who really likes his new sunglasses. I'll bet he wears them to bed. Another man shows Lex Loser an unidentifiable object, and Lex Loser says, "That's nice, but I don't really need that." Ethan attempts to barter the hats, and tells us in a confessional, "I was trying to get a lot for the hat"; we see him explaining that the hat is all he has. The sunglasses guy is there, and is still wearing the sunglasses. Then Ethan realizes that he can trade his "Reebok long-sleeved t-shirt." There's an audible "ooh" as he removes the shirt to reveal...another shirt! In a confessional, he tells us, "I gave them my shirt right off my back. I gave 'em my hat off my head." He says that, for two hours, he felt like he was part of their lives and was able to witness how things work. We then see Ethan in the village, hacky-sacking while surrounded by kids. He tells us he started playing with the children and they were thinking, "How the hell can this kid know how to do this?" He adds, "I'm sure they don't see many white people that can play soccer or hacky sack." Lex hovers by the side of a building with some smaller children and entices them into his car with candy. Actually, he just points out that Ethan is a soccer player in the United States. Except he pronounces "soccer" like he's Madonna. A do-ragged Ethan says -- and the do-rag is not a good look for him -- that "the smiles on their faces were, you know, amazing." He thinks he made their day and tells us, "As we were leaving I, you know, I threw it to one of the little ones, and I, you know, gave him my hacky sack." Triumphant music plays because Ethan gave some kid his $3 hacky sack. ["At that point, my sister announced, 'Ethan, marry me,' so the gesture probably had some resonance with a certain segment of the audience." -- Wing Chun] Children jump in slow-motion to the triumphant music, and it's supposed to represent -- with the help of Ethan's magnificent hacky sack -- their ability to surpass all the obstacles in their backwards African lives. Because they have a hacky sack. Ethan tells us that it's hard to describe in words everything that was "going on in [his] head and in [his], you know, the body." He says he'll never be able to forget the experience. This implies that he'd like to forget the experience but just won't be able to. He and Lex Loser load their new stuff onto the truck, and Lex Loser says, "This is business." Children chase after the departing truck, and Ethan exclaims through a mouthful of food, "Look! They're all wearin' our hats and stuff!"
Mofo Maji. A skull morphs into Teresa. She tells us that she has yet to tell the others that she voted for Lex Loser, and that she doesn't plan to tell them anytime soon. Brandon leprechauns, "Everywhere you turn, a little bit o' schemin' goin' on." Teresa continues by saying that it worked well to have Lex Loser gone for the day, because it allowed the tribe to do things they wouldn't have done otherwise. Frank tells us in a confessional, "Believe it or not, God bless her, Teresa apparently gathered Kimp and Brandon back under the original Samburu wings." He says he knows he can't trust them, but that he has no other choice because "there could be a major D-Day invasion goin' on." If I knew what that meant, I'd be happy to tell you. Teresa plots with Brandon and Kimp. She says that if they're going to make a move, it has to be at the Tribal Council, because that will be their only chance. Kimp makes squinchy faces in response. Meanwhile, Kelly sleeps nearby, blissfully ignorant. Or else she slept at some point during her time in the savannah and it's been edited to seem like right now.
Ethan and Lex Loser arrive back at camp. Ethan tells us that the downside of winning a reward challenge is that it takes you away from camp for a period of time which allows the others to plot against you. Ethan and Lex Loser agree that they got an awesome reward, but Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that they don't want to piss off the others by bragging about their prize. He says they didn't want to say, "Ah, it was the greatest thing ever and you didn't get to do it!" Again, it's not like they can't do it at some other point. Unless, of course, the Wamba Village is, as they speak being turned into the Wamba Ritz-Carlton for the winner of the reward challenge. The other members of Mofo Maji hug Ethan and Lex Loser as they arrive back at camp. Lex Loser continues by telling us that they plan to be sensitive to the fact that they had a really good time and "ate a bunch of food when [the others] were eating, you know, a tiny portion of mush." Lex Loser announces to the tribe, "Ethan got you guys treats!" At first I thought that was nice of Lex Loser, but now I think it was just an attempt to preempt Ethan and claim some of the spotlight as his own. Ethan passes out some little wrapped candies that Brandon says taste like coconut. Kimp says, "I just sucked it out. It was so good," and Kimj tells us that getting something sweet was a great gift. Ethan then pulls about another box and says, "How 'bout thirty-three cookies each?" Thirty-three cookies each? ["They looked like pretty thin little wafers, which I guess is how there could be so many crammed into that fairly small box." -- Wing Chun] Everyone goes nuts over the cookies and Ethan, who seems genuinely happy to be sharing his good fortune, does the Rodeo. It's okay, but it's hard to beat the Robot. Even Frank shows some emotion. In a confessional, Lex Loser tells us that Ethan deserved all the credit that he got, and we see Brandon tell Ethan that the tribe has "much love" for him. Ethan, sounding nothing like Homer Simpson, eats a cookie and says, "Mmmm, chocolate."
Kelly and Kimp go to fetch water and end up exchanging information. Kimp claims that Teresa told her that Lex Loser does think Kelly voted for him. Kelly says she refuses to spend her time kissing up to Lex Loser in order to convince him of her innocence. Kimp says he might not be around much longer anyway. In a confessional, Kimp tells us that she was working on Kelly because she's "so upset about Lex." Kimp -- who is tiny -- is wearing her buff as a skirt. It's not a good look and should not be attempted by the home viewing audience. At least not anyplace where I can see you. In a confessional, Kelly wears pigtail braids and a t-shirt that says, "I love my mom and dad." She tells us that Kimp approached her to vote with Samburu, but that she said she had to vote with her tribe. She says she wished them luck with their "little coup," and that they'll just see what happens. We see Kelly being surprised by Kimp's revelation that Frank is on board with Samburu's plot. In a confessional, Kimp tells us that Kelly said she wouldn't vote for Lex Loser, but that Kimp can tell that Kelly wants to. Kelly sing-songs, "That's thinkin' with your heads," of Samburu's new alliance. Kimp tells us that the future of Samburu lies in the immunity challenge. She says that if Lex wins, it's "back to Game Over."
Suddenly we're at the site of the immunity challenge -- another hard-working poet-turned-clue-writer gets stiffed. Teresa hands over the immunity dog collar to Peachy, who somewhat suggestively asks, "Did you like having that?" Peachy asks that the S9 line up with the "short in front, tall in back." Brandon pushes and shoves his way to the front. Peachy then announces that they'll have thirty seconds to memorize the nature and location of nine items arranged in a grid inside a barrel. He advises them to make sure to look at every box. Duh. The S9 are then instructed to approach their own individual barrels and remove the lids. Peachy coaches them to think of the grid "like a phone pad" numbered across left to right from 1 to 9. I'm already confused. When Peachy yells a number, the competitors are to run 150 yards to a field and locate the corresponding item and place it in its correct spot in the grid.
The first item is #7: it is a leaf and a seed pod. Brandon gets it right; Frank does not -- he's returned with some elephant dung instead; Teresa, Tom, Ethan, and Lex Loser are also correct, but Kimj and Kimp both turn up with only one of the items. The item is #2: elephant dung. Peachy commends Brandon on his proper selection, and Brandon says "thank you" in a cute way. Kelly is angry because she picked a rock, but insists she knew she was looking for dung; Teresa also returned with a rock. Peachy examines Lex Loser's dung and says, "Oh, Lex, size does matter." Peachy is in a very flirty mood today. Tom gets it right, too, and Peachy says to him, "Big Tom, you've seen that before!" It also sounds sexual, but I'm not sure how it possibly could be. Well, I know how it possibly could be, but I don't think that's what Peachy means. Ethan has also selected the dung, so he enters the final round with Tom, Brandon, and Lex Loser.
Peachy calls Brandon, Ethan, Lex Loser, and Tom back to the barrel and tells them they'll have fifteen seconds now to memorize nine different items. Back at their barrels, they are allotted one minute to find as many of the items as they can. As the challenge begins, Peachy advises them that they can run back and forth as they acquire items, or stuff the items in their pockets -- "whatever works." As they collect items, Peachy exclaims things like, "For immunity, guys, pick it up!" and "You better hustle, Brandon!" and "If you've got 'em, get it in!" and "Get it in the barrel!" I'd be so annoyed. Brandon finds six items; Lex Loser has only five. Big Tom returns with seven items, but one of them is wrong, so he only gets credit for six, which ties him with Brandon. It's all a moot point, anyway, because Ethan finishes with a big eight. He wins, but doesn't look too happy about it. Maybe because he just realized he's painted a big target on his back by winning two consecutive challenges. And he has to wear the dog collar.
Day 24 finds us (where else?) at the Mofo Maji camp. Lex Loser tells us in a confessional that they've had three interesting days considering the "mystery vote." He tells us he gave himself the goal of identifying the culprit within three days. He says he's put two and two together, gathered evidence, and observed things, and that "it became really evident that [his] worst fears -- more likely than not -- were true." He doesn't say that in putting two and two together he came up with three. He's Lex Losing It, if you ask me. ["Assuming he ever had it to lose, which I don't; he's always looked unbalanced to me." -- Wing Chun] We see Lex Loser tell Tom that he had a morning shift with Brandon, who heard Kelly tell Frank and Teresa something about a "free agent." Lex tells Tom there's no doubt in his mind that Kelly is "turning." Tom asks, "That she's the rat?" In a confessional, Tom tells us that they're "shooting a harpoon shot that it's Kelly." He says it's hard to turn against a member of his own tribe, and that he likes "little Kelly," but that what small amount of evidence they have points to her. Lex Loser reveals to Tom that he approached Brandon to replace Kelly in their alliance. Lex assured him, "You will be the fifth from the top." Oooh -- I'm sure Brandon was really excited about that. Lex Loser talks about his gut again, and how it trusts Brandon. He jabs at his stomach and says, "You know my gut is good." Okay, we concede that his gut must be good, but for what? Then Tom agrees that, so far, Lex Loser's gut has been "pretty good." But in a confessional, Tom reveals he's not sold on Lex Loser's plan. He says he didn't get to "interrogate" Kelly personally to make sure "she's that rat," and that he'll feel like hell if they've kicked off one of their own based purely on Lex's "gut." Lex and Tom count out their allies: themselves, Ethan, Kimj, and Brandon. Lex counts on Tom's fingers, which is very odd. ["Maybe, given all the camouflaging tattoos, he finds it hard to locate his own fingers." -- Wing Chun] Lex concludes, "I say we cut Kelly off tonight." He says it all fits together, so they have to take her out. Tom tells us that if Lex Loser is wrong, they'll have done Kelly and themselves an injustice. We see Tom ask Lex Loser again if he's sure, and Lex Loser insists that he is. A baby monkey climbs a tree. Aw, baby monkeys.
Kelly now tells us that things have been different at Mofo Maji since the last Tribal Council. She says Lex Loser hasn't been "laying down the order" and telling her for whom she should vote. Therefore, she has no clue what's going on. Kelly approaches Lex Loser at the water cooler, and he says, "We've hit an impasse." Kelly, with her near-genius I.Q., can tell. Lex Loser rambles on some more about sniffing out the rat, and says that if it means the splintering of the Boran alliance, so be it. He then Richard Hatches that "it doesn't seem that alliances are what they used to be." Kelly says "whatever" a bunch of times and insists that she didn't vote for Lex Loser; she hopes that -- if they are indeed going to vote against her -- the second vote from the last Tribal Council is not the only basis they have for doing so. Lex Loser fatalizes, "It's gonna be what it's gonna be."
In a confessional, Kelly tells us that her butt is on the line because her own tribe is turning on her. She says her only choice at this point is to "defect" to Sambutu. Kimp can tell Kelly's upset, and the two head off together. Kelly explains that Lex Loser told her there is no longer a Boran alliance because they all want to vote for different people. Kimp says she's going to vote for Lex Loser, and Kelly says she will, too. Kimp then assures Kelly that she has her word, and that she'll let Kelly know if anything changes. In the meantime, she'll "try to work on T-Bird." Now that's funny. Teresa explains to us in a confessional that they have to trust Kelly at this point even if they're not confident in her allegiance. Kimp and Teresa whisper at the water cooler while Kelly stands about five feet away, and while Lex Loser and Ethan are spitting distance away, as well. Is there some rule in this game that all secret conversation must occur in the perimeter of the camp and within hearing distance of all the participants? Kimp restates her faith in Kelly, but Teresa worries, "If we aren't all doing this, it's not gonna work." Kimp again assures Teresa that they're all in it together. Teresa asks whether Brandon is definite, and Kimp says that he is. I'm not sure why Teresa is making such a fuss over this: as she said, they don't really have any other choice. Teresa then asks aloud whether she can trust Frank, and immediately scolds herself, "I know that!" Meanwhile, Brandon tells us that his whole tribe expects him to vote against Lex Loser. He says that Lex Loser flat-out told him about Boran's intention to vote for Kelly. He never expected to be in this "power play position," and that it's very awkward for him. He honestly doesn't know what he'll do. Slow-motion suspicious faces take us to Tribal Council. Plotting and plotty faces abound at Mofo Maji.
The S9 arrive at Tribal Council; Peachy goads Ethan by pointing out that it's "sorta [his] week." Ethan humbly says it just "happened to be" a good week for him, and then ranks the reward a 10 "for sure." Frank says that when people leave, there's more talking amongst the remaining tribe members, and that it's harder to know what to think. Kimp says that she has considered the negative aspects of winning a reward challenge -- such as the absence from camp -- but that the opportunities far outweigh the negatives. Lex Loser says that he was surprised by the votes against him at the last Tribal Council, and tells Peachy that the mysterious vote definitely "occupied a lot of [his] thoughts." Peachy points out that people always claims to feel vulnerable, but are still surprised and angry when they receive a vote. Lex Loser explains that it's "just a natural reaction," when you see your name written on that paper, to feel different. He says that the vote changed everything for him, and that finding out who wrote down his name became the "burning question." Peachy cheerily announces, "Let's find out now who's outta the game!"
Lex Loser says, "Kelly, if I'm wrong about you I apologize, but I smell a rat. And my gut instinct tells me that you stabbed me in the back and you're playing both sides. And if that's the case then good riddance." He doesn't say that his "gut instinct" is based on the fact that "Kelly" rhymes with "smelly." I thought he was at least going to say he would "exterminate" her, in keeping with the whole rat theme, or even flush her down the toilet in keeping with the smelly gut theme, but he didn't. As Kelly votes for Lex, she says, "When it's me, you'll know it." It's got a nice ring to it. I think her t-shirt should say that. There's some kind of bee or maybe a heart drawn at the bottom of her vote; I couldn't tell. She continues that she couldn't be more excited to vote against Lex Loser because she never wanted him to win and now she hopes he won't. She concludes, "If this is the last vote I cast, then at least I got to vote for you." We don't see Kimj and Ethan vote, but I'm already disappointed in them both. We do see Brandon's vote for Kelly, which surprises me, because it gives away the ending. He says his vote is "a kicker," but that he made a promise to Lex. He says that he'll probably "bite it" because of this vote, but that it's part of his plan to make the final four.
Peachy reminds us that the person voted out tonight will become the first jury member. He tells the tribe, "You're about to vote somebody out of this game and then ask them to vote for you to win." The first vote is for Kelly, as is the second. The third and fourth votes are for Lex Loser. Then it's Lex Loser, Lex Loser, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. A hemp-suited Woody Harrelson does not arrive via helicopter and start singing. With the ninth vote revealed to be against her, Kelly is visibly upset. Teresa and Kimp both look perplexed. A smug Lex Loser can't contain his grinning, and Brandon rolls his eyes. As her torch is extinguished, Kelly shakes her head but holds it high. Peachy sends the S8 back to Mofo Maji, with the pronouncement that Kelly's reaction "said it all."
time on Survivor, Lex's loyalties are questioned, and Brandon ends up in the doghouse. Tom's body rebels and he grows a "third eye." Nasty.
As the credits roll, we learn what we already knew: Teresa, Kimp, Kelly, and Frank voted for Lex Loser; Lex Loser, Tom, Ethan, Kimj, and Brandon voted for Kelly. In her exit speech, Kelly says that she loves her mom and dad and rambles on about always having been a clique-y, skinny girl. Then she high-kicks, exclaims, "Go, team!" and cartwheels out of Africa.