Smoking Out the Snake

Last week on Survivor, we endured The Clip Gyp. The week before that the tribes merged into Mofo Maji, and Clarence got voted out. Nine are left, at least one of whom is psychotic because he received a vote at last week's Tribal Council.

It's Day 21 at Mofo Maji. We see shots of the sun, the racing landscape, a skull, and Lex. In the background, someone -- I think Ethan -- exclaims, "I'm telling ya -- thirty chickens!" I don't know what that's all about, but then Lex Loser begins his diabolical tangent and so we'll never know. He tells us in a confessional that when Mofo Maji went to last night's Tribal Council they "kind of" had a "unanimous consensus" that they'd all vote together for Clarence. "Kind of" and "unanimous" don't really go together. Regardless, he says he was surprised to receive two votes and that he was "pissed off" and "furious." He thought Clarence might vote for him, but that the second vote surprised him. Kelly and Lex Loser sit side by side and count off names of the people they're sure did not cast the vote: they discount themselves immediately and also Tom and Ethan. In a confessional, Lex Loser says, "The person that threw that vote at me, and that now chooses to hide, torques me." "Torque" is not a verb. Toque is Wing Chun's sister. Lex Loser continues ranting that he's been unable to figure out who voted for him in order to "smoke 'em out right away." He announces to Kelly, "I will not live with a snake. I will cut the head off of whoever it is that did this." He says whoever "poisoned this" -- that "scheming mind" -- is going down ; in addition, he proclaims, "That is just the way it is. I'm gonna take 'em out. And I'm gonna slit their fucking throats." Lex is funny. Funny, that is in a terrifying, keeps-me-up-at-night sort of way.

In a confessional, Kelly tells us that Lex Loser is being a "total jerk." She says, "What do you expect in this game? I mean, I'm sorry someone voted against you, Mr. Ego. Deal with it." Kelly's on to him: Mr. Ego must be Lex Loser's alter ego! Lex Loser then forces Kelly to swear on her brother, his name, and on both her parents that she didn't vote for him. She says she would swear to that, and Lex Loser want to know if she would swear to it or if she actually is swearing to it. Oh, that pesky auxiliary verb wordplay. They then pinky swear. Except they don't. But they might as well. Kelly says in a confessional, "It really wasn't me, but screw you, Lex [Loser], if you're gonna sit here and yell at me, like you're my dad and I'm five and I just spilled cookies, for something I didn't do." Now Brandon has joined Lex Loser and Kelly on their log. Kelly asks him if he slept well, and he exclaims, "I did! I'm a pretty happy camper." Lex Loser manically swats at imaginary flies. Or maybe he has a tick. Not the kind Lindsey had on her butt. Brandon says in a confessional that the vote Lex Loser is upset by is "inconsequential" to the game, and that the obsession has "so much to do with Lex Loser's ego." He tells us, "Somebody was just screwin' with his head and it worked. Makes me wish I had done it." Hee. Kimj's announcement that she's going to make soup for breakfast does little to break up the monotony of Lex Loser's montage of obsession. He tells us that at this point in the game he's worried because there's a "snake amongst [them], and [he doesn't] know who it is." He's worried because that person could "act like a cancer and start rotting [Boran's] plans from the inside out." He says "smoke 'em out" about fifteen time in three seconds.

In a confessional, a weathered-but-still-cute looking Teresa tells us that Lex Loser was distraught, and that it was terrible. She says the second vote he received was all he could think about, and that she hadn't anticipated its impact. She says she thought, "Shoot, ten votes; he got two, didn't get eight. Oh, what's the big deal? He's here." Back at camp, she paints something with "honor" written on it. Then, a piggybacking monkey scuttles by with a sign that has "irony" written on it. Lex Loser approaches Teresa and says, "Somebody around here is claiming to be something that they're not." We're supposed to think -- led, I suppose, by our collective "gut" -- that this is some sort of accusation. We cut back to Teresa's confessional, in which she tells us that everyone knows Clarence cast the first vote for Lex Loser, but that the tribe doesn't know she cast the second. "It was me!" she exclaims, then whispers, "I mean, I did it. I'm sick that I did it now." Lex tells Teresa that he wants her to know he has no suspicions against her whatsoever. He says he's going to let the situation go, because whoever did it "is probably gonna hang themselves, and that's the way it is." He then moots what he just said about letting go by adding that he wishes he knew "definitively, for sure" who cast the vote so that he could "take care of it." His x-ray, crazy man eyes pierce a hole in my television set. Piglet hides. Teresa tells us that she plans to keep quiet for a while longer about having cast the vote that spawned a thousand "gut" comments because she's not ready to leave yet. Her hair looks pretty when it's down. Lex Loser tells Teresa that from the moment he met her, he trusted her. He says, "I trust my gut over my eyes any day." What does that mean? Did he see Teresa cast her vote? He says, "My gut told me that you're the real deal." Lex and Teresa thank each other and Teresa tips Lex Loser's hat. Teresa finishes up her confessional by claiming that she's been straight up with everyone all along; now, she's not being straight up, for obvious reasons, and that bothers her a lot. And now I have Paula Abdul stuck in my head -- though, thankfully, not literally. Because I know she's tiny, but I still don't think she'd fit inside my head. In any case, as Lex walks away, Teresa whispers under her breath, "I hate this game."

Kelly and an unrecognizable Kimp check treemail, which is accompanied by a musical instrument. Kelly tells the others it's "like an African music-making device." The clue is about "co-ordination" and "persistence" and "run[ning] out of breath" and also about "fun," "leverage," "focus," and the fact that they "don't wanna miss." It also mentions an unusually cool reward. As the clue is read, Lex Loser takes out his aggressions on the innocent instrument. Then, an alligator angrily thrashes around. Because Lex Loser is angry, you see? And thrashing angrily around?

The tribe arrives at the challenge site and Peachy announces that it will involve "a little bit of co-ordination; whole lot of persistence." They're each given nine items; the goal is to get all of the items into a basket on top of a tower using a plank as a springboard. The items include a rope, a cornhusk, four big bags, two little bags, and possibly a skull. Peachy warns the S9 that the items must be catapulted into the basket one at a time and that they'll need to adjust for wind. The prize? Two goats. Not for dinner, but to barter in a local village for "whatever [they] deem important." Peachy adds, "And the merchant who you trade with will be able to increase his herd of goats which increases his wealth." I guess this gratuitous explanation is intended to head off critics who think Survivor is making a mockery out of non-Western ways of life. Instead Survivor and its goats are promoting the Kenyan economy! The goats are brought out by two locals, and we are reunited with Charles, first seen at the blood-drinking challenge. It turns out Charles was the name of the Kenyan, not the cow, and if Charles turns up one more time, he'll have to join the union. He's also brought along with him his brother, Isaac.

The challenge begins, and objects start flying everywhere except in the baskets. Tom, incidentally, is wearing a stars-and-stripes hat. Ethan gets two items in fairly quickly; then Kimj gets one; then Lex Loser. Ethan scores a third and then -- as he's long overdue -- trips. Kelly whines that her board keeps breaking. The game proceeds until Peachy announces that Ethan has only two items remaining; Lex Loser has three, and Brandon has four. When Ethan is down to one item: the rope, Kimp laughs at herself for still having none. My hatred of Kimp, by the way, has significantly diminished since the start of the season. Peachy announces, "Ethan, you're on your last one, but Lex [Loser] is right on your heels!" Brandon berates himself, and Kelly finally gets one in, causing Peachy to exclaim, "Kelly, welcome to the game!" The end of the game, but still. Ethan wins -- because this is nothing like hacky sack or soccer -- and it looks like Brandon really wanted those goats based on his frustrated disappointment. Kimj earnestly congratulates Ethan on the victory, then Peachy tells him "the deal": he'll take care of Ethan's goats overnight and will fetch Ethan in the morning. He suggests that Ethan might like to bring along with him to the village some additional items for bartering. As we go to commercial, the goats look concerned. As well they should.

It's Day 23 at Mofo Maji. The tribe members gather belongings for Ethan to trade, as he says, "at the old marketplace or wherever." Brandon tells Ethan that if his hat can get stuff for everyone, that's fine. Ethan shows us the hat collection he's amassed and says, "This hat wants something sweet; this hat might want a belt or a bracelet; this hat wants..." Kimj cuts him off and exclaims, "Anything!" And Ethan concludes, "Anything...other than this hat." Hee. And another hee. But when they get kicked off, or when they win the million, can't they go trade their own hats for bracelets? I can see asking Ethan for food, but why not wait and do your own accessorizing? As the tribe eats, Peachy arrives with a big "Yo, Ethan!" and he sounds just like my friend Greg. It's uncanny. Peachy is all smirky as he asks how their breakfast is. Lex Loser says, "We got a little gray gruel goin'." Ethan shows Peachy his intended bartering items; then Peachy asks the others to walk Ethan to the Survivor truck, where Peachy points out that it's the same driver who dumped them in African on the first day. They all reminisce and mock the driver by imitating him. Peachy is yelling, "Up, up, up, up," but the driver never told them to go up, did he? Ethan climbs on the truck and says, "Hey, goats." Peachy then says he's afraid Ethan will be unable to handle the goats by himself, and that Ethan should pick someone from the tribe to help him out on the mission. In a confessional, Ethan tells us the situation was hugely political and he didn't want to pick anyone. He picks Lex Loser only because he came in second in the challenge, and everyone yells that it's a good choice because they're happy to be free of Lex Loser for a day. Frank teases, "If you gotta trade Lex [Loser], you know, get some more."

As the truck goes careening down the road stirring up dust, one goat hides underneath the other. People by the side of the road shoo the truck away and make rude -- though appropriate -- gestures at it. Or maybe they're just waving. In a confessional, Lex Loser complains about having to "keep a couple goats calm, and keep them still." Well, if it's such a trial, then he shouldn't have gone. He says the ride is bumpy and it's an "absolute ball-buster." Good-natured Ethan grins and pets the goats while Lex Loser pouts. A dog appears that looks like Piglet except it's light brown -- Piglet is black, but her features-enhancing natural highlights are caramel-colored.