Natives and donkeys go about their business in a bustling African village. People contentedly smile and are happy in their uncorrupt lives. Suddenly a truck full of morons slices through the scenery, instantly contaminating a previously unaffected and natural way of life. Welcome to the third season of the hit television show, Survivor.
The now African-themed Survivor music plays, replete with ay-ya-yo-ing. About twenty-five African children chase the truck as it passes through the town. I cracked a joke about them being paid to do so, but my friends who went on safari this past summer insist that kids really chase cars this way. Hoping for candy bars and blue jeans, I guess? Wait, that's Russia circa 1988. In any case, the truck has "Survivor: Africa" written in block letters across the top of its tarp. I'm surprised there's not a Target bulls-eye there as well. Just Peachy tells us that we are "crossing a path along the equator." Except he emphasizes it strangely, like "EE-kway-ter." As he babbles on, I become officially convinced that they've recycled the introductory script for each of the three seasons. The sixteen competitors are about to begin the "adventure of a lifetime" as they are "abandoned in the heart of one of the most diverse and dangerous collection of animals." That sentence is grammatical mess; it needs some mapping: they're being abandoned in the heart of a country with one of the most diverse and dangerous populations of animals in the world, but they're not actually being deposited directly in the hearts of the animals. Although that would be interesting to see. We see pictures of various African animals: a skinny cheetah, lions, zebras, a rhino, giraffes, and a big, nasty buzzard. We learn that the temperatures in this climate get up to 120 degrees and there is scarce water. "It is a land virtually untouched by the modern world." Until now, that is. We see initial shots of the new S16 on the truck; they will be "forced to create a new society while battling the elements and each other." Peachy says, "Thirty-nine days; sixteen people; one survivor." For the record, the Outback was forty-two days, and Pulau Tiga was thirty-nine. A herd of giraffes (maybe there's some appropriate word to describe this grouping, as in "gaggle of geese" and "pride of lions," but I don't know it) races along to the truck. This only means that, at some point in the history of Africa or in the history of the San Diego Zoo, a herd of giraffes raced along to a truck. By now, we know how the editing on these shows works.
The theme music sounds cool with its new African influences. There's a hippo in the credits. It's not Tom, either. Teresa is really sweet-faced. A lion eats some meat, and other animals attack each other. These are really aggressive credits.
Peachy says "adventure of a lifetime" again. He explains the situation: the Africa S16 are not allowed to speak to each other yet, and have been divided into two competing tribes named after the people of Africa. The Samburu tribe will always wear red and will consist of Brandon, Carl, Frank, Kim P., Lindsey, Linda, Silas, and Teresa. I went over all of them in Countdown to Africa, so I won't do it again here, since they give the same information and show the same silly public relations shots. The Boran tribe will always wear gold, and I'm glad that's not me because I'd feel pretty tacky if I had to wear gold for thirty-nine straight days. Boran consists of Clarence, Diane, Ethan, Jessie, Kelly, Kim J., Lex, and Tom. I can't say just how irritating Kelly's little introductory blurb is. She primly sits poolside in front of a Tudor mansion in a strapless black dress. Diane leans on a mailbox as if being a mail carrier represents her entire identity. Maybe it does. Personally, I'd have liked to have seen her on the set of Sesame Street chumming up with Mr. Snuffalupagus. Jessie gives her best "bad cop" stare as she stands in front of a squad car with the lights flashing. Boran's inspired more commentary than Samburu.
The truck arrives at its destination. The driver herds the contestants off the truck yelling, "Down, down, down, down, down, hurry, faster, faster, faster!" My eighty-nine-year-old grandmother can move faster than these people. Especially when there's a slot machine around. I didn't say that. The truck driver enjoys yelling orders at the new S16; he's kind of dancing around. I enjoy watching them being ordered around, so I dance around, too. And then Piglet joins in too, because she always loves the dancing. Ten hours later, they're all finally off the truck. The driver tells them, "Have a nice day," and grins as he takes off. I miss him already. He must think these crazy Americans are lion bait, but he's too nice to say so. Linda immediately grabs Samburu's set of instructions and starts reading in a very annoying voice. They can only bring to camp what they can carry, and they are warned to choose wisely. Lindsey, also of Samburu, finds a bongo drum. Flashbacks to Jerri bring on sudden bursts of intense head pain. They are reminded that the "animals can be extremely dangerous." Brandon of Samburu points out that they've got some tomatoes in their supplies. Tom the goat farmer then looks directly into the camera as he says, "We're goin' on safari, not a gardening adventure." I thought they picked these people somewhat on their ability to act natural in front of the camera. Tom? Not so much. The tribes are told to take all the water they can carry because their water supply will need to be boiled before drinking. Peachy announces that they will live in "abandoned village dwellings." Linda, still reading aloud, gets tripped up on the word "unfriendly." Finally, the tribes head off toward their camps. A cool leapy animal with very long strides bounds past them.
The Boran tribe immediately decides that it's too difficult to carry all their gear. The bongo drum is not the first casualty; instead, Kim J. and Kelly pour out the tribe's water supply. I guess Kelly gets all the water she wants from her Evian-filled swimming pool back home. No one suggests drinking the water instead of dumping it out. In a confessional, Kim J. tells us that Boran had three jugs and dumped out two, because they were too heavy. It doesn't make any more sense when she explains it. Ethan tells us that Big Bird (a.k.a. Diane) took charge of the tribe's map, and that she seemed confident, but that her map leadership became "the first issue" of the tribe. I guess they weren't all crazy about following that bird. Tom complains that if he's going to be carrying a "damned thing," he'd better be going in the right direction. That's reasonable. Don't get used to it. The tribes also each have two stretchers on which to carry all their stuff. Each team is having difficulties with two people holding either end of the loaded stretcher. Again, neither tribe bothers to try adding a third or fourth person to help carry it. Tom tells us that he lives on a farm, and that if one animal "jumps in a hole, the rest of 'em follow." My job as a recapper just got about seven thousand times harder, as I try to understand Tom through his accent. Big Bird has a couple of things strapped across her shoulders, but her hands are free. Clarence doesn't have a six-pack; he's got a twelve-pack. Silas and Ethan drop their stretcher. This will be the first of many times throughout this episode we'll see Ethan drop something or trip over something. Later this season, he'll drop something and then trip over it. In a confessional, Big Bird tells us that, as a mail carrier, she walks at a much faster pace than the others do. She's irritated that she has to wait for them. Lex is having some trouble carrying his end of the stretcher because the cornmeal is in his face. He's holding up his end with his arms, not on his shoulders. Ouch. We see a shot of a bird of prey flying with something -- still struggling -- in its clutches.
The Samburu tribe marches along in a straight line. They drop a stretcher. Brandon and Silas agree to put it on their shoulders, but then Brandon discovers that his shoulders aren't wide enough. Hee. Incidentally, they appear to be carrying a small tree on the stretcher. Frank moves the tribe along; he complains to us in a confessional that the others were moving too slowly. We then see Kim P. yell and ask Brandon what his luxury item is. He says he brought Chapstick, and she flips out in disbelief and then concludes that "[he] rock[s]!" Frank continues in his confessional that the members of his tribe are talking about what they're buying at J.C. Penney, cute boys, and problems at home. J.C. Penney? We watch Frank's reaction as Lindsey announces that she just got her period and screams, "No wonder I have cramps!" Frank tells us that they're in Africa, not down at the mall with a latte. But barely. Brandon tells us in a confessional that Frank is a "big, strong ex-army guy." He says Frank went ahead of the group and then was irritated to have to wait for them. Brandon tells us that Frank kept telling them, "Socialize later. We can laugh around the campfire later." Frankly (hee -- Frankly), I don't anticipate seeing Frank laughing anywhere. Brandon continues by saying that they're not all like Frank, and tells us that Frank lacks compassion. Lindsey, meanwhile, lacks gear to carry: she is carrying a walking stick, two smallish jugs of water, and what appears to be a straw beach bag. She complains that it's heavy.
Boran is resting. A tumbleweed rolls across the landscape; wait, that's just Diane lying on the ground. The tribe spots the flag which designates their camp, and I notice that Jessie is the only woman in the tribe actually carrying anything. By now, the men are dragging the stretchers. Clarence and Ethan make efficient use of their time by designing a "tribal handshake."
Samburu arrives at their camp, and Kim proclaims, "This rocks!" I think a lot of things "rock!" according to Kim. Lindsey is irritated that Frank rushed them to get to the flag. Carl asks what branch of the service Frank served in, and Frank snarls, "I was in the American branch, called Freedom." Huh? The only thing Carl is carrying is a spear. The Samburu tribe makes a big huddle and keeps grabbing each other's heads.
Thirteen Ghosts. Can Shannon Elizabeth carry a movie? Certainly. If those thirteen ghosts also have breasts and the movie is pitched to seventh-grade boys.
Silas checks Samburu's treemail, and alerts the others to a message with an Electric Company-style "hey, you guys!" The mail reads that the tribe's "traditional African dwelling is in serious need of repair." An aerial view reveals that their home is basically a semi-circle of shrubbery, and we're told the only protection from predators is a fence made of thorny brush. They are told to do three things immediately: secure the fence; keep a fire going all night long; and always keep two people awake at all times to look out for night-hunting animals. They so have security out here. Carl and Teresa shotgun sentry duty for the first night. The tribe is told that they'll share their water supply with "local game" at a nearby stream. Back on the Frank bashing, Kim P. tells us that she likes to bond with people, and doesn't need "the military in [her] life." (She might feel a greater need for the military since this was filmed.) Brandon explains the tribe's drastic water situation: they broke three gourds of water on the trek to camp, and they didn't cap a fourth gourd which meant the water "turn[ed] into, like, turpentine." He says they are "so screwed" if they don't get water in the half hour.
Meanwhile at Samburu, Lindsey warns the others to "look out for those deadly giraffes!" Then they start joking about tampons and "tamponos" and laughing about it. Where are the seventh-grade boys? I know they must be around there somewhere! Oh, yes. They're buying their tickets for Thirteen Ghosts. Or not. We then go to a confessional with Linda who points to herself and proclaims, "Mother Africa!" I'm not sure she's trying to say she's Mother Africa, but I'm not sure she's not, either. She goes on about what a tremendous amount of respect she has for the land, and makes a point of saying she's been there before; she doesn't enjoy the light-hearted conversation about "tamponos" and thinks it's disrespectful. She says, "This is where it all started, folks...in Africa!" If I wanted a history lesson, I'd watch the Discovery Channel. I'm tuned in for the lunacy and the cat-fighting. Linda is an enunciator. Also, her hands could use two good puppets.
Samburu arrives at their water hole, and Lindsey complains that the water is "so sick" and is "just covered in crap." It really does look so sick and it really is just covered in crap. They all look dismayed. Kim P. says it's not deep, and that all you get is "water mixed with crud." Kim P. reminds me of someone, but I can't figure out whom. It's not someone I like. She continues ranting: "Pond scum. Little water hole." Back at camp, the tribe attempts to make fire. Frank tells us it's not about the warmth or the security, but about the water. Teresa is not only sweet-faced, she's sweet-voiced, too. I bet she's sneaky. She tells us they thought they'd get the fire started sooner, and it was a big frustration. I have no idea how, after watching this show for two seasons, these competitors have signed on not making sure to know how to make a fire. Mark Burnett probably hand-dipped each and every piece of timber and shrubbery in all of Africa in some flame-retardant liquid. While they huddle around trying, Frank mumbles something about having spent "nine months of softness in [his] mother's womb." Brandon looks disgusted; I look confused. The sun goes down, and still the tribe has no fire. We're supposed to think a lion is walking by their camp.
At Boran, it's the second day, and they haven't had fire all night, either. Jessie tells us in a confessional that no one could ever know, unless put in that situation, how much water a body needs. Then she pukes. She doesn't puke in the confessional, but we see her somewhere off puking. Meanwhile Tom and Ethan are digging a "Boran water hole." Tom sings while they do this; I don't recognize the tune. Digging a hole like this is apparently a very good idea. I have no survival skills whatsoever, so I wouldn't know. Kelly hovers nearby and hurries them along, because their location isn't secure. Tom does a pretty good imitation of an elephant by bending at the waist and using his arm to imitate its trunk throwing off water. Tom does a pretty good imitation of an elephant just standing there. Lex tells us in a confessional that they'll end up with "amoebic dysentery" if they don't boil the water, "which basically has you puking and crapping your guts out." Various fire-starting attempts ensue. Lex and Ethan compare blisters. Tom appears to have made a good fire-making contraption, but it's not working. Big Bird's off by herself reciting the alphabet and looking smug. Ethan appears to be praying. Someone says, "It's not like we're gonna die or something." This is totally reverse-psychology foreshadowing. That's what they say in a movie before someone dies so we're supposed to think someone will die here. Mark Burnett: he's one tricky bastard.
Samburu is still trying to make a fire on Day 2, as well. Linda wants Lindsey's attention because "it's [her] birthday, baby!" She's located some tampons in their medical supply kit. In a confessional, Lindsey tells us that "Kim and someone" made this discovery. She then tells us that the supply kit also had a telescope in it to watch for animals. She mimes the watching part. Kim P. proudly tells us in a confessional, "I don't know a lot about telescopes, but I know that a magnifying glass can start a fire." She says this like she invented fire. Silas uses the magnifying glass, and when the fire he's working on fails to catch, he calls it "dumb." Kim consoles him as he works and instructs him to "nurse it, nurse it" as he encourages the fire to catch. As he blows into the burgeoning fire, either Lindsey or Kim stupidly says, "Do not. Pass out." They talk in hushed voices as if speaking loudly might disturb the fire's concentration. Frank and Teresa are working elsewhere on starting another fire, but Silas trumps them with the magnifying-glass advantage. Frank gets in on securing the fire once Silas has it going. The whole tribe celebrates together, and then Carl shows up out of nowhere and joins them.
Boran, meanwhile, hasn't discovered their magnifying lens yet. I bet they felt pretty stupid when they watched the episode. The tribe hasn't had water today, or for the majority of the day before. They decide to open up one of the food cans and Kelly tells us that otherwise they'd "have no moisture." Except, perhaps, for the tube of Astroglide in the medical supplies kit. Boran decides to open up a can of cherries, which seems like an odd provision. Then again, cherries are often presented sexually, so maybe the producers are trying to start something up. Ethan tells us they will each "take a cherry, pass it on." They're all obsessed with standing in a circle while doing so. A square formation, I think, would work the same way. As would a diamond or a rectangle. Even a figure eight could result in a successful distribution of cherries. It sounds as thought this tribe at least made the good decision of bringing along all their canned goods. And later, they can use the empty cans as cups to drink all that water they brought along. Ethan tells us in a confessional that he saw Clarence take two cherries in a row. For once, a cameraman is around to catch it. Clarence doesn't look particularly furtive while doing so; I'm thinking at this point he isn't aware of the one-cherry rule. Ethan continues going on about the cherries. The camera then closes up on a shot of Clarence lasciviously licking his fingers in slow motion.
Back at Samburu, Lindsey and Teresa go fetch the clue, which is held by some sort of small idol. Teresa says, "This is great! I oughta take this home with me!" If she continues to be Gretchen-esque, I'll be pleased. Now, about these clues: seriously, I have no idea why the Survivor people haven't called me yet to help them out with these things. Because they are so very bad. The clue is full of clichés about being "left in the dust" and "blaz[ing] a trail." Then there's the particularly inspired "oh, the dreaded first challenge!" part.
Both tribes arrive at the challenge and are welcomed by Just Peachy. For some reason, this makes Kelly cheer. I suspect a lot of things make Kelly cheer. Boran says they're "almost there" with regard to their fire. Samburu then says they already have fire, which pisses off Boran. Peachy passes around the immunity idol and they all ham it up as they grab for it. I'm not sure, but I think Lex tries to eat it.
Peachy explains the challenge: each team has a cart to wheel and three fire towers to light -- across a bridge, up a mountain (one tribe member will do the climbing), and down on the beach. The winning team not only gets immunity, but also gets fire and the cart. That's a pretty loaded prize. Peachy starts them off, and maybe the lions aren't much of a threat out here, but watch out for those wacky and unpredictable moving bushes. Kim P. on Samburu takes the first digger. They're all working very hard and the crates appear extremely rickety and unwieldy. I can't figure out why Samburu put their women up in front of the cart -- it seems like the hardest place to be, but then maybe the men are making up for the fact that the women carried nothing on the trek to camp. I think I see Ethan say "Fuck!" when the cart gets stuck. The tribes end up actually lifting their carts up over difficult rocky terrain. At one point, the path is so narrow that both teams can't fit at once. Boran reaches the spot first, so Samburu is forced to follow them. Boran should have taken their sweet time and rested up here while Samburu continued to waste their energy trying to get around the other cart. Clarence runs up the mountain for Boran and Silas goes up for Samburu. It's steep enough that they need a rope to get back down. Incidentally, this whole challenge looks pretty cool on rewind. Boran is ahead, and Ethan is suddenly ejected from his position at the front of Boran's cart as he awkwardly springs forward, then finally bites it. He gets some good air in the process. As soon as he gets up, he falls again almost immediately, this time nearly getting caught under the cart. Someone -- I think Kelly -- yells, "Don't pass us!" as Samburu catches up with Boran. I don't think her "manipulating men" abilities will work in this situation. Lex for Boran and Silas for Samburu light the last towers. Diane collapses -- and it wouldn't surprise me if she thought that was the end of the challenge; we did -- but then they have to continue onward. Honestly, I found this contest hard to follow. As the tribes head toward the finish line, Samburu is in the lead and Boran lamely gives up. Diane does a second interpretation of a tumbleweed and sprawls on the ground, sick and exhausted. At first, I think she's faking it, but as Clarence and Ethan help her, I notice that she's really pale. Then again, anyone might look really pale to that fluorescent bush she calls hair. Peachy tells the dejected Boran that they will have an "unfortunate appointment" with him the night. He says they'll finally get fire, but that it will cost them a teammate. Samburu celebrates, and Kim P. somehow ends up straddling Carl. He must have stepped into Silas's path.
How annoyed am I by the Visa commercial where they show an African tribe playing Survivor? Because Africa so needs to catch up with American culture so they can play a silly game, too.
Finally, it's Day 3 at Boran camp, and Diane is still sick. Really, how could they not have voted her off? The tribe members all decide to go get water, and Clarence offers to stay behind to take care of the ailing Big Bird. How Elmo-ly of him. For some reason, he asks Lex for permission to do so, and Lex dictates that it's "totally fine." In a weird sequence, the others members of Boran keep talking about going to the watering hole and then someone says "....and we'll bring back some water." It sounds like they're talking in code, as in: this is a really "good" show. Tom tells us that when they were leaving to return to camp, he realized they should have counted their food cans. He says, "Clarence loves them cherries." Ethan tells us that Clarence might honestly be helping Diane, or he might be "eating all our food." These are some suspicious people. But they have cool basket contraptions for carrying the water. Tom tells us that Clarence met them about twenty yards from the camp, and that as he approached, "[he] smelt a little something. It didn't smell good." Tom is the anti-Rodger. He tells us he sniffed around some more until Diane admitted that she and Clarence had opened a can of beans. In a confessional, Clarence tells us that Diane told him it would help her to eat; he says he volunteered to do that to help her out. Tom approaches him and says, "Hey, Clarence. Diane talked like you wanted to eat something while we's gone." Huh? I feel like I'm watching a Saturday Night Live skit when these two attempt to communicate with each other. Clarence explains that he opened the can to help Diane feel better. He then makes the mistake of saying, "It ain't no big deal." The other Boran members jump all over that -- they each want to be the one to explain to Clarence exactly why it is a big deal. Clarence explains that it was a "judgment call," and Tom says it was "bad damn judgment." The argument is endless as Clarence keeps insisting that he did it for Diane. Lex points out that Clarence ate the beans, too, so it couldn't have all been for Diane's benefit. Clarence finally just apologizes to get the others to shut up, and they still won't let it go. Tom makes Clarence say "I'm sorry" to each individual member of the team in turn. Clarence does so, and then says, "You only gotta tell me once." Lex says it's about broken trust. Suddenly, Ethan is talking about the army and how Clarence would get shot for doing that (eating beans?) if he were in the military. Tom then busts out, "I'd shoot you!" It was so cute when Rudy said stuff like that. I was inclined to believe Clarence's story until it turns out that he hid the finished can from the others. And then suddenly, Big Bird -- clad in a leopard-print bikini -- my eyes! my eyes! -- announces that she didn't ask for the beans. Why wasn't there a camera on these two, anyway? Clarence gets all worked up because he says Diane is telling lies. Then Tom pipes in with, "What is that jive thing that you shown an old cow dung, to do old hayseed?" It's like a word scramble -- there's meaning in there somewhere. I think. Well, Tom won't do that jive thing anymore: "Today your way ain't my way." Clarence calls him Tommy, and then Lex says, "Today was not a good day to do this."
Boran walks very slowly into Tribal Council led by a dismal-looking Clarence. The area is filled with big, fake-looking tents with windows that look like slots. We know the routine: fire represents life in the savannah; seven will return to camp; one will go on The Early Show. Peachy asks what the tribe will do when they return to camp. Jessie kindly answers the question without snickering and says they will boil water and drink it. Peachy calls out Big Bird for her failure in the challenge. She says she was "outta gas" and blames it on the lack of water. She got the beans a day too late, I guess. Peachy then turns to Clarence and forces him to talk about having done "some horrible things" and repenting for them. Clarence lays it on a bit thick: he says he let the others down, and he wants their respect and their forgiveness. But what he really wants is their share of the food. Ethan takes a long-winded route of saying he was surprised by Clarence's unethical bean-eating. Tom concludes, "[Clarence] had a weak flaw in his character," and says he'll forgive but he won't forget. Peachy then advises them to write in "clear block letters" as they vote.
Diane votes for Clarence, saying he was deceitful and that she didn't appreciate being called a liar since "[she's] not one." Ethan votes for Diane because she's the weakest person. He says he won't forget what Clarence did, but the tribe needs him now because he's big and strong. Tom votes for "C.B" and says something rambly and bizarre and almost certainly rehearsed about Clarence, who "looks strong, but is weak." Hey, a riddle! Clarence votes for Diane and expresses his disappointment in her. He says she lied to him for no reason, which would really disappoint Gordon and Maria, and concludes that "[she's] nothing like [his] mother."
Peachy tallies the votes. Clarence gets the first one, then Diane, then Clarence, then Diane. Then Diane, Diane, Diane. Five votes is all she needs, and Big Bird's torch gets extinguished. Peachy smugly advises the others to return to camp, boil water, and "do some mending as a tribe."
week on Survivor: let the scheming begin! At Boran, it's boys vs. girls. At Samburu, Silas wants Lindsey to "trust" him.
As the credits roll, we see that everyone except Tom (and Diane) voted for Diane. She tells us she's glad to go because "it's tough, real tough," and that she's on her way to where the air is free.