Who's Zooming Whom?

Last week on Survivor, sixteen strangers were abandoned, and "desperation set in." Lex proposed a new new motto for the show: "Outdrink, Outpuke and Outcrap," and Jessie enthusiastically complied. Clarence opened a can of beans, and Big Bird went toodleoo!

We open this week's show with night-vision shots of an elephant and a cheetah. That cheetah gets around, or else it's the same cheetah shot we saw last week. There's a skull at one of the camps; it looks like it's wearing a hoodie from Old Navy. Clarence says that "going to Tribal Council is like going to hell for forty-five minutes": it's hot and uncomfortable, and "nothing good is going to happen while you're there." He tells us that hearing his name read was terrible. In a confessional, Lex informs us that Boran had unanimously decided to vote off Diane, but they also thought Clarence should get at least one vote to teach him a lesson, because "he needs to shape up." We see Clarence trying to explain to Jessie that Diane used him as a scapegoat. Jessie tells Clarence that he shouldn't have opened the can of beans in the first place, and Clarence blames himself for "being too nice." In a confessional, Jessie tells us that Clarence was shaking with nerves during their discussion, and that he badly wanted her approval. Jessie then gives Clarence her lack of approval by insisting that he made a bad call. Clarence tries to say he doesn't care about the game; Jessie won't let him off the hook on that one either, so Clarence walks away. Lex tells us that the tribe was presented with a bad situation, but that it's turned into a good thing because now "everybody knows what Clarence is about. He can't hide it anymore." Clarence, it turns out, is about beans.

A giraffe flops its ears, bringing us to Samburu Day 4. The tribe wakes up complaining that everything aches. Kimp (a.k.a. Kim P.) tells us that it's colder than she anticipated; she shivered all night long. Carl says he'll never complain about a lumpy motel bed again. It's sad if Carl previously spent enough time in lumpy motel beds to merit repeated complaints about them. Lindsey says that no one in the tribe got a good night's sleep. I'm glad we needed three people to tell us exactly the same thing. Kimp says it's very hot during the day, and that they need to finish their shelter so that they have some shade. We see Frank give Lindsey what looks like a reasonable demand; she says "okay" to his face, and then under her breath snarks, "Yes, Captain." In a confessional, she tells us that Frank is "an interesting character, but really for the military" because he wants things done his own way. I thought military people pretty much got used to doing things the military's way, but I'm not getting into that debate. We see Kimp and Lindsey giggle over Frank. They then play MASH and trade beaded friendship pins for their shoelaces. Carl tells us in a confessional that he and Frank have been working "[their] buns off," and that they're the only ones thinking a step ahead. We see a shot of Brandon asking to be told what to do. Of course, when someone does tell him what to do, he'll bitch about it and then resume playing with his cootie catcher to determine the name of his future husband. ["Lay off my Brandon, dude." -- Wing Chun] Frank says that the youth don't do any work, and that Linda and Teresa don't need to be asked to do stuff. Brandon then tells us that the tribe is divided by age. As we see the group resting together, Frank tells us in a confessional that he'd like to see the tribal differences overcome, but if that doesn't happen, "There's one or two individuals [he] could get rid of right now that are probably more in the way than they are any good." Frank channels Rudy every now and then, but he's not nearly so appealing. Or maybe he's not appealing at all -- I haven't yet made up my mind. Give him twenty years, and he'll be in my demographic. Frank and Carl fetch the mail, and Frank grumps, "There's a necklace in here" like it's a used tampon. The clue advises them, among other things, to "go to the top for prizes." Carl helps Frank read the word "sublime." The clue is also about taking "one step at a time" and "work[ing] together as one." How many clich�s can you fit in four lines?

At Boran, we have to hear the clue again. Kelly thinks the challenge is rock-climbing. I think it's freeze tag. Lex thinks they might get a choice of rewards, and the tribe decides they want blankets most of all. Tom says he's felt better in his life, but he's felt worse, too. He says they're going to "open a can of whoop-ass and see what happens." I guess they'd need a can opener for that, because we're still waiting. ["Maybe Clarence threw it away when he pitched the empty bean can." -- Wing Chun]

At the challenge, Just Peachy explains that each tribe has five logs. They will use the logs -- of varying lengths -- to build a staircase to the top of a tower which is across a field of obstacles. When all the logs are in place, and when the whole tribe is together at the tower, one member must climb the staircase to the top. The reward has several parts: blankets, food, and all the gear the winning tribe was forced to leave behind on the first day. Samburu has one extra member, so they decide that Linda will sit out. We learn that, this season, they can't sit the same person out two challenges in a row. I'm not sure we had those rules in years. As the challenge begins, Ethan barks out orders to his team, which don't seem that helpful -- for instance, "If you're weak, you can jog behind." The paths of the tribes weave over and under things, also intersecting with each other. At one point, Samburu just has to stand there when Boran crosses in front of them. Only ten minutes into the show, Ethan gets hit in the head with something: a log. He would benefit from a ponytail holder. Tom grabs his man boob, and Ethan screams incomprehensibly. The tribes are tied on the last leg, and Peachy reminds them again that they can't put in the last peg until the entire tribe has reached the tower; this warning immediately causes Kimj (a.k.a. Kim J.) to bite it. Jessie encouragingly helps her get up, but it's too late: Kimp on Samburu has already scaled their tower. Celebration happens for Samburu; commiseration for Boran. Suddenly Frank is on the top of the tower, raising his hands in the air and yelling, "Samburu!" The camera pans back to reveal that the various Samburu members are standing atop various pegs and proclaiming superiority.

K-PAX sounds like a feminine hygiene product to me.

It's Night 4 at Boran, and the tribe agrees that they have no regrets. Kimj tells the others that it was "[her] turn to basically screw up." She says she's a competitor, and feels bad. She appreciates their kind words, but insists that they'd feel bad, too, if they had screwed up. Tom says he's not worried because it's just a game, and besides, "Everybody has a boo-boo." Tom says he's proud to be on Kim's team, but Kimj feels vulnerable anyway. She tells us in a confessional that such a mistake is not okay because she has given the tribe a reason to vote her off. Oooh! A little lion cub! Tom tells us that the tribe went too long without water, and that the body just can't take it. He grunts this out because he's carrying something heavy, but I suspect he'd pretty much grunt it out anyway. Then I believe he says something about "two freeloaders," but after listening to it five times, I still can't tell what the hell he's saying. We see that Jessie is shaking. She tells us she doesn't know whether it's from the cold or from lack of water. She says she's probably the only one on the tribe who hasn't had any water, and complains that "it's just very bad." Now, I like Jessie -- she seems like one of the most normal, honest, decent, and non-media-grubbing personalities I've seen so far amongst all the casts of Survivor -- but she should just drink the damn water. She stares at the water and tells us it tastes like tar. Kelly tells us they're all worried about Jessie because "it's bad for her; it's bad for us." So basically Kelly is worried about Jessie, but only because Jessie's condition affects her, too. Lex and Tom converse about Jessie's state; Tom thinks she's all right, but Lex points out that of course she'll say she's all right because she doesn't want to show weakness and get voted off. In a confessional, Clarence says you have to look past the taste of the water; otherwise, the entire tribe will suffer. We see Ethan trying to help Jessie, but she's not being very receptive to him. He snoots off. A close-up of Jessie reveals nasty chapped lips as she tells us everyone is being good to her. If she were on Brandon's team, she could borrow his Chapstick.

At Samburu, the old folks slave away. Lindsey lies around and actually says -- out loud -- "You guys don't mind me not helping." Brandon half-heartedly offers his seat to Linda when she says she wants a place to sit. Silas tells us in a confessional that things at camp are heating up and that "what's being said and what's being done are just totally different things." Silas has gotten, like, a zillion times cuter in one week. Carl and Teresa have a conversation about trusting each other; they agree that they do. Teresa says in a confessional that she really likes the young people, but that if she wants to be on the stronger side, she needs to align herself with Carl, Frank, and Linda. Lindsey says that people on the tribe are always whispering, as we hear Carl say, "Conspiracy." The old group concludes that "Silas is the key." I thought Dawn was the key? Carl points out in a confessional that the younger members of Samburu think being on Survivor is akin to marshmallow-roasting at the YMCA. As the hoary Samburu members go on a water run, Carl summons Silas to go along with them. Silas blows a kiss behind him, and we see Lindsey watching them suspiciously as they leave. Carl explains the alliance to Silas, and Frank tells us in a confessional that they picked Silas because of his strength. Carl says that Silas would be a "complete fool and an idiot" not to stay with the stronger alliance. It'd be hard to be a complete fool and manage somehow not to be an idiot, as well. Carl and Frank use their most crafty techniques to win over Silas, but neither of them says, "Silas, I am your father." Silas looks cute and confused by the proposition; he thought he'd just have to work hard and look pretty afterward. Silas wonders how close Linda's affiliation with the group is and Frank responds, "Linda's so concrete she's buried in the bottom of the Hoover Dam." I've never heard that particular metaphor; it's graphic as far as those things go. Silas tells us in a confessional that "it's a fact" that nice guys finish last. We then see Silas turn to the dark side as he shakes on it and says, "Strength and honor." Various animals pace about and look concerned.

Boran is also on a water run, and Clarence tells us in a confessional that they take water for granted at home because it's "like breathing," but in the bush it's like "receiving gold or platinum." Listening to Clarence in a confessional and listening to him attempt to have a one-on-one conversation is like listening to two different people. Kelly says she's unaccustomed to working for food and water. To me, Kelly looks unaccustomed to working for anything. As the men fill up the water jugs, Jessie and Kimj debate whether they can -- as women -- carry the filled water jugs, and conclude that they cannot. They both think the men of Boran might decide to vote off the women of the tribe, and they agree that they don't want that to happen. During this conversation, the camera closes up on their lips. I think it's supposed to have the effect of making the conversation seem more secretive, but the actual result is kind of gross. Ethan tells us that Survivor "breeds paranoia." I think being in Superfresh would breed paranoia for Ethan. He tells us that whenever he sees two people together, he assumes they're talking about voting him off. Lex and Ethan chat; Lex says that he's not comfortable talking about alliances yet, but that he and Tom have talked about getting Ethan on their side. Ethan humbly proclaims that the three of them are "the most honest guys." Lex says that he and Tom "promised on [their] sons' names" to be true to each other. Lex then proposes a long-term alliance wherein he, Tom, and Ethan agree not to "cannibalize each other" until the end of the game. In a confessional, Ethan tells us that Lex is so trusted and liked by everyone in the tribe that he could be "playing both sides of the fence." A scary dust cloud rises up on the landscape. Oooooh. Scary.

At Samburu, Linda asks Silas how the water is; he says it's good, and she clucks like a proud mother hen. Lindsey tells us that Silas just got back from the water hole, and that Lindsey feels apprehensive. Frank and Silas then go off together again -- they're really not very discreet, and what's with the exhaustive plotting anyway? -- and Lindsey says she's not letting them be there alone. Brandon advises her to "go!" Lindsey skulks around Frank's and Silas's conversation just in time to hear Frank say that Lindsey knows people are talking. He also says, "Kimmy, she whines," and "Brandon, he's outta here." Silas warns Frank to be quiet, but it's too late. Lindsey tells us in a confessional that overhearing the conversation made the reality of the game sink in for her. She now trusts no one. Frank tells us that "the younger group overheard somehow," and panicked. Assuming "somehow" means "because of my big mouth." We see Lindsey approach Teresa and tell her what she heard between Frank and Silas. In a confessional, Teresa says that, "bein' pretty direct and not wantin' to be dishonest," she couldn't refute Lindsey's accusation of the plotting against the younger people. Lindsey then approaches Silas, who insists that Lindsey should trust him. Lindsey says she'll trust him if he trusts her. Silas says he'll trust her if she trusts him if he trusts her. Then Lindsey says she'll trust him if he trusts her if she trusts him if he trusts her. Got it? Lindsey wants to know if he's pledging his allegiance to everyone this way, and he insists that he's not. These two are a couple of very close talkers. It makes me nervous. In a confessional, Lindsey says that she is dependent on Silas because she doesn't have any other choice. Silas sits at camp, grinning and looking boyishly cute.

Two kangaroo-like animals eat off the same branch while standing on their back legs. They're cute. We'll probably see them shredding each other in five minutes. Boran checks their mail and finds a clue that invites them to a café where they might "find [themselves] saying 'no way.'" Kelly concludes that it's a "gross food challenge," and then insists, "There's nothing I won't eat." Lex says he doesn't know if he could "do dung beetles." Tom tells him not to think of it as a dung beetle, but just as a beetle. Which makes it better how? Clarence tells us he needs to eat everything because of the incidents of the past. He then says he'll even eat dirt, and if Clarence thinks dirt-eating is a bad thing on Survivor, he's in for a surprise.

The tribes arrive at the "Damu Bar." Peachy takes the immunity idol back from Samburu and says, "Today's challenge is a real delight." He smugly tells the tribes that the people of Africa rarely eat vegetables or meat, but instead rely on "milk from cattle, and blood from cattle." He then says that, because he wants them to "value" the moment, they will watch how the tribes procure the milk and blood. He calls on some media-grubbing locals who hug their cow, which may or may not be named Charlie -- it's either the cow, or one of the tribesmen. Peachy insists that the ritual of bloodletting the cow is not brutal because cows are revered as a "source of life" in Africa and the Africans "would never do anything to endanger a cow." They stab the cow in the neck and it squirms and struggles ferociously (as ferociously, I suppose, as a cow can) as the blood spouts out in a little arc. Then the cow gets to run away. Lucky cow. Peachy tells the S15 that the cow has been "tested and quarantined." He says he'll put the blood in a "suitable" container for drinking; as he pours it, some of the blood spills over the edge of the carafe, which I'm sure he did purposely because it looks more disgusting that way. Peachy cheerily adds to the blood "a splash of milk."

The tribes will compete "shot for shot," and Peachy insists that they "get it down" and show him their mouths. I think Peachy just likes to look in people's mouths, because it's not like they could -- or would want to -- hide an entire glass of blood under their tongues. Lex agrees to compete twice for Boran because they're short a person. Lex and Frank go first. They say "Cheers!" and chug. Frank pulls a Mike Skupin and smears the blood on his face. Lex thinks it's "nice!" Tom and Carl go , and Peachy calls the drink "African Chianti." He then unsuccessfully tries to psyche them out: "Let me tell you, it's still warm." After drinking, Tom flicks his tongue about in a lewd and disturbing way. Lindsey and Ethan have an uneventful turn. Kelly's eyes roll back, and blood drips down Teresa's lips and chin. After sticking out her tongue, Teresa giggles cutely. I don't care how sweet-faced she is, it's impossible to look cute with blood dripping out of your mouth. The Kims go together. Kimp has certainly done her share of shots; Kimj takes a little longer. Jessie shakes the whole time the drink is going down, and Linda dumps half of it onto herself without getting penalized. Brandon and Clarence go with no problems. All these people look scary with their nasty red teeth. And now it's time for the climactic grand finale. Except not so grand and not so climactic, because Lex has already proved he's fine with the vampirism, and Silas is a big strong boy. They both get it down with no problems, resulting in a tiebreaker. Each tribe gets to pick a member from the opposite side to compete. Kelly tells her team, "Whoever they pick, we're fine," which seems like foreshadowing to me, especially when she gets picked. Kelly cheers because she gets to drink more cow blood. Boran picks Linda; they don't know her name, though, and Lex calls her "that girl". Linda and Kelly have to drink a bigger shot of pure blood, and the first one to finish wins. If I were ever to compete on Survivor, which I wouldn't (which reminds me of the time we went to Friendly's in the Triphammer Mall in Ithaca, and my husband asked the waiter for a food suggestion -- strange enough, I know, who requests a food recommendation in Friendly's? -- and the waiter answered, "Well, if I were going to walk in off the street and eat here, which I wouldn't..." and then gave his very negative recommendation. People? Do not eat the clam boat), I would orchestrate that the most eager eater act the most squeamish, so as to be picked for the tiebreaker. Good plan, huh? Survivor coaches should teach that one. Linda and Kelly face off; Linda actually drinks some of it this time, and wins. For some reason, Kelly keeps drinking even after she's lost. It's Boran at Tribal Council again. Who would have guessed?

At Boran, an albino praying mantis eats a fly. Tom tells us in a confessional that his tribe falters in big situations, and that's not okay. Kimj says that Boran has been doing a lot of searching regarding who is and who is not valuable because of their losing streak. Can it still be called a losing "streak" if there's never actually been a win? Isn't that just "losing"? We see Tom, Clarence, and Lex talk together. Clarence tells us in a confessional that the team keeps losing by hairs. Clearly not his hairs. The tribe says that they need every member they have just to fetch water. Kelly feels like a loser because she could chug beer in college, but flailed at blood-chugging. She's angry because she didn't think the blood was gross, or even that it tasted bad, but she lost anyway. She won't go down without a fight, though, and makes sure to mention Kimj's earlier fall. This team is constantly ratting each other out. Clarence and Tom are off talking somewhere; Clarence says something bizarre like, "Kelly go up the bar. She know how to chug the damn beer. She got beat." He then says the girls are the weakest members of the team. Tom and Ethan discuss voting a girl off versus voting off Clarence. Ethan says he'd vote for Clarence before he'd vote for any of the girls, and Tom responds, "Blub, blub, blah blah, dinka dinka do." Or at least that's what it sounded like to me.

Boran walks into Tribal Council and Jessie flashes Peachy a smile. A smile, I said. Peachy points out that the tribe doesn't want to be there. Duh. Jessie says she never expected Survivor to be so difficult, but that she feels great now. Lex says that trust is a big issue for the tribe, particularly because of the "speedbeans"...I mean, "speedbumps" they had at the beginning. Tom announces, "Just like a father figure, I've told Clarence exactly what I felt, and exactly what I thought." What's with Clarence and the parental figures? Tom says he and Clarence have a better relationship now because Clarence has since proven himself. Clarence announces to the group that the bean incidence was "freshly early" in the game, and that his issues with the team have since been resolved. After Peachy calls each of them out for their respective mistakes, Kimj says "that splat did [her] in," and Kelly admits to feeling terrible.

And now, the vote: Jessie votes for Clarence and explains that she wanted to do so last time, but couldn't. I'm guessing the tribe got together for the last Council and decided Clarence should only receive one vote, and that it should be Tom's. I have no idea why, though. Kimj votes for Jessie and feels bad because she's "so nice," but Kimj thinks she's just not strong enough. Their lip-heavy conversation at the watering hole didn't count for much, it turns out. Tom votes for "C.B." again, and says it's "still another reminder." That's all we see, and Peachy self-importantly heads off for his big scene: the counting and revealing of the votes. The first vote is for Jessie; then Clarence; then Jessie; then C.B. The last two we hear are for Jessie. Kimj appears to be crying, even though she voted for Jessie, too. As Jessie heads off, Peachy uses his superior intellect and intuition to inform them that the challenge will be critical.

week on Survivor Boran has some "unwelcome visitors." Richard Hatch and Tina Wesson? And Kimj wears a thong.

As the credits roll, Jessie tells us that Boran's decision was a good one because they needed Clarence more than they needed her. She concludes, "I just wanna tell Tom that I love him." Maybe she has a boyfriend back home named Tom, or maybe she means Tom the Goat Farmer, in which case, huh?