Heart of Snarkiness

Natives and donkeys go about their business in a bustling African village. People contentedly smile and are happy in their uncorrupt lives. Suddenly a truck full of morons slices through the scenery, instantly contaminating a previously unaffected and natural way of life. Welcome to the third season of the hit television show, Survivor.

The now African-themed Survivor music plays, replete with ay-ya-yo-ing. About twenty-five African children chase the truck as it passes through the town. I cracked a joke about them being paid to do so, but my friends who went on safari this past summer insist that kids really chase cars this way. Hoping for candy bars and blue jeans, I guess? Wait, that's Russia circa 1988. In any case, the truck has "Survivor: Africa" written in block letters across the top of its tarp. I'm surprised there's not a Target bulls-eye there as well. Just Peachy tells us that we are "crossing a path along the equator." Except he emphasizes it strangely, like "EE-kway-ter." As he babbles on, I become officially convinced that they've recycled the introductory script for each of the three seasons. The sixteen competitors are about to begin the "adventure of a lifetime" as they are "abandoned in the heart of one of the most diverse and dangerous collection of animals." That sentence is grammatical mess; it needs some mapping: they're being abandoned in the heart of a country with one of the most diverse and dangerous populations of animals in the world, but they're not actually being deposited directly in the hearts of the animals. Although that would be interesting to see. We see pictures of various African animals: a skinny cheetah, lions, zebras, a rhino, giraffes, and a big, nasty buzzard. We learn that the temperatures in this climate get up to 120 degrees and there is scarce water. "It is a land virtually untouched by the modern world." Until now, that is. We see initial shots of the new S16 on the truck; they will be "forced to create a new society while battling the elements and each other." Peachy says, "Thirty-nine days; sixteen people; one survivor." For the record, the Outback was forty-two days, and Pulau Tiga was thirty-nine. A herd of giraffes (maybe there's some appropriate word to describe this grouping, as in "gaggle of geese" and "pride of lions," but I don't know it) races along to the truck. This only means that, at some point in the history of Africa or in the history of the San Diego Zoo, a herd of giraffes raced along to a truck. By now, we know how the editing on these shows works.

The theme music sounds cool with its new African influences. There's a hippo in the credits. It's not Tom, either. Teresa is really sweet-faced. A lion eats some meat, and other animals attack each other. These are really aggressive credits.

Peachy says "adventure of a lifetime" again. He explains the situation: the Africa S16 are not allowed to speak to each other yet, and have been divided into two competing tribes named after the people of Africa. The Samburu tribe will always wear red and will consist of Brandon, Carl, Frank, Kim P., Lindsey, Linda, Silas, and Teresa. I went over all of them in Countdown to Africa, so I won't do it again here, since they give the same information and show the same silly public relations shots. The Boran tribe will always wear gold, and I'm glad that's not me because I'd feel pretty tacky if I had to wear gold for thirty-nine straight days. Boran consists of Clarence, Diane, Ethan, Jessie, Kelly, Kim J., Lex, and Tom. I can't say just how irritating Kelly's little introductory blurb is. She primly sits poolside in front of a Tudor mansion in a strapless black dress. Diane leans on a mailbox as if being a mail carrier represents her entire identity. Maybe it does. Personally, I'd have liked to have seen her on the set of Sesame Street chumming up with Mr. Snuffalupagus. Jessie gives her best "bad cop" stare as she stands in front of a squad car with the lights flashing. Boran's inspired more commentary than Samburu.

The truck arrives at its destination. The driver herds the contestants off the truck yelling, "Down, down, down, down, down, hurry, faster, faster, faster!" My eighty-nine-year-old grandmother can move faster than these people. Especially when there's a slot machine around. I didn't say that. The truck driver enjoys yelling orders at the new S16; he's kind of dancing around. I enjoy watching them being ordered around, so I dance around, too. And then Piglet joins in too, because she always loves the dancing. Ten hours later, they're all finally off the truck. The driver tells them, "Have a nice day," and grins as he takes off. I miss him already. He must think these crazy Americans are lion bait, but he's too nice to say so. Linda immediately grabs Samburu's set of instructions and starts reading in a very annoying voice. They can only bring to camp what they can carry, and they are warned to choose wisely. Lindsey, also of Samburu, finds a bongo drum. Flashbacks to Jerri bring on sudden bursts of intense head pain. They are reminded that the "animals can be extremely dangerous." Brandon of Samburu points out that they've got some tomatoes in their supplies. Tom the goat farmer then looks directly into the camera as he says, "We're goin' on safari, not a gardening adventure." I thought they picked these people somewhat on their ability to act natural in front of the camera. Tom? Not so much. The tribes are told to take all the water they can carry because their water supply will need to be boiled before drinking. Peachy announces that they will live in "abandoned village dwellings." Linda, still reading aloud, gets tripped up on the word "unfriendly." Finally, the tribes head off toward their camps. A cool leapy animal with very long strides bounds past them.

The Boran tribe immediately decides that it's too difficult to carry all their gear. The bongo drum is not the first casualty; instead, Kim J. and Kelly pour out the tribe's water supply. I guess Kelly gets all the water she wants from her Evian-filled swimming pool back home. No one suggests drinking the water instead of dumping it out. In a confessional, Kim J. tells us that Boran had three jugs and dumped out two, because they were too heavy. It doesn't make any more sense when she explains it. Ethan tells us that Big Bird (a.k.a. Diane) took charge of the tribe's map, and that she seemed confident, but that her map leadership became "the first issue" of the tribe. I guess they weren't all crazy about following that bird. Tom complains that if he's going to be carrying a "damned thing," he'd better be going in the right direction. That's reasonable. Don't get used to it. The tribes also each have two stretchers on which to carry all their stuff. Each team is having difficulties with two people holding either end of the loaded stretcher. Again, neither tribe bothers to try adding a third or fourth person to help carry it. Tom tells us that he lives on a farm, and that if one animal "jumps in a hole, the rest of 'em follow." My job as a recapper just got about seven thousand times harder, as I try to understand Tom through his accent. Big Bird has a couple of things strapped across her shoulders, but her hands are free. Clarence doesn't have a six-pack; he's got a twelve-pack. Silas and Ethan drop their stretcher. This will be the first of many times throughout this episode we'll see Ethan drop something or trip over something. Later this season, he'll drop something and then trip over it. In a confessional, Big Bird tells us that, as a mail carrier, she walks at a much faster pace than the others do. She's irritated that she has to wait for them. Lex is having some trouble carrying his end of the stretcher because the cornmeal is in his face. He's holding up his end with his arms, not on his shoulders. Ouch. We see a shot of a bird of prey flying with something -- still struggling -- in its clutches.

The Samburu tribe marches along in a straight line. They drop a stretcher. Brandon and Silas agree to put it on their shoulders, but then Brandon discovers that his shoulders aren't wide enough. Hee. Incidentally, they appear to be carrying a small tree on the stretcher. Frank moves the tribe along; he complains to us in a confessional that the others were moving too slowly. We then see Kim P. yell and ask Brandon what his luxury item is. He says he brought Chapstick, and she flips out in disbelief and then concludes that "[he] rock[s]!" Frank continues in his confessional that the members of his tribe are talking about what they're buying at J.C. Penney, cute boys, and problems at home. J.C. Penney? We watch Frank's reaction as Lindsey announces that she just got her period and screams, "No wonder I have cramps!" Frank tells us that they're in Africa, not down at the mall with a latte. But barely. Brandon tells us in a confessional that Frank is a "big, strong ex-army guy." He says Frank went ahead of the group and then was irritated to have to wait for them. Brandon tells us that Frank kept telling them, "Socialize later. We can laugh around the campfire later." Frankly (hee -- Frankly), I don't anticipate seeing Frank laughing anywhere. Brandon continues by saying that they're not all like Frank, and tells us that Frank lacks compassion. Lindsey, meanwhile, lacks gear to carry: she is carrying a walking stick, two smallish jugs of water, and what appears to be a straw beach bag. She complains that it's heavy.

Meanwhile at Samburu, Lindsey warns the others to "look out for those deadly giraffes!" Then they start joking about tampons and "tamponos" and laughing about it. Where are the seventh-grade boys? I know they must be around there somewhere! Oh, yes. They're buying their tickets for Thirteen Ghosts. Or not. We then go to a confessional with Linda who points to herself and proclaims, "Mother Africa!" I'm not sure she's trying to say she's Mother Africa, but I'm not sure she's not, either. She goes on about what a tremendous amount of respect she has for the land, and makes a point of saying she's been there before; she doesn't enjoy the light-hearted conversation about "tamponos" and thinks it's disrespectful. She says, "This is where it all started, folks...in Africa!" If I wanted a history lesson, I'd watch the Discovery Channel. I'm tuned in for the lunacy and the cat-fighting. Linda is an enunciator. Also, her hands could use two good puppets.

Samburu arrives at their water hole, and Lindsey complains that the water is "so sick" and is "just covered in crap." It really does look so sick and it really is just covered in crap. They all look dismayed. Kim P. says it's not deep, and that all you get is "water mixed with crud." Kim P. reminds me of someone, but I can't figure out whom. It's not someone I like. She continues ranting: "Pond scum. Little water hole." Back at camp, the tribe attempts to make fire. Frank tells us it's not about the warmth or the security, but about the water. Teresa is not only sweet-faced, she's sweet-voiced, too. I bet she's sneaky. She tells us they thought they'd get the fire started sooner, and it was a big frustration. I have no idea how, after watching this show for two seasons, these competitors have signed on not making sure to know how to make a fire. Mark Burnett probably hand-dipped each and every piece of timber and shrubbery in all of Africa in some flame-retardant liquid. While they huddle around trying, Frank mumbles something about having spent "nine months of softness in [his] mother's womb." Brandon looks disgusted; I look confused. The sun goes down, and still the tribe has no fire. We're supposed to think a lion is walking by their camp.

At Boran, it's the second day, and they haven't had fire all night, either. Jessie tells us in a confessional that no one could ever know, unless put in that situation, how much water a body needs. Then she pukes. She doesn't puke in the confessional, but we see her somewhere off puking. Meanwhile Tom and Ethan are digging a "Boran water hole." Tom sings while they do this; I don't recognize the tune. Digging a hole like this is apparently a very good idea. I have no survival skills whatsoever, so I wouldn't know. Kelly hovers nearby and hurries them along, because their location isn't secure. Tom does a pretty good imitation of an elephant by bending at the waist and using his arm to imitate its trunk throwing off water. Tom does a pretty good imitation of an elephant just standing there. Lex tells us in a confessional that they'll end up with "amoebic dysentery" if they don't boil the water, "which basically has you puking and crapping your guts out." Various fire-starting attempts ensue. Lex and Ethan compare blisters. Tom appears to have made a good fire-making contraption, but it's not working. Big Bird's off by herself reciting the alphabet and looking smug. Ethan appears to be praying. Someone says, "It's not like we're gonna die or something." This is totally reverse-psychology foreshadowing. That's what they say in a movie before someone dies so we're supposed to think someone will die here. Mark Burnett: he's one tricky bastard.

Samburu is still trying to make a fire on Day 2, as well. Linda wants Lindsey's attention because "it's [her] birthday, baby!" She's located some tampons in their medical supply kit. In a confessional, Lindsey tells us that "Kim and someone" made this discovery. She then tells us that the supply kit also had a telescope in it to watch for animals. She mimes the watching part. Kim P. proudly tells us in a confessional, "I don't know a lot about telescopes, but I know that a magnifying glass can start a fire." She says this like she invented fire. Silas uses the magnifying glass, and when the fire he's working on fails to catch, he calls it "dumb." Kim consoles him as he works and instructs him to "nurse it, nurse it" as he encourages the fire to catch. As he blows into the burgeoning fire, either Lindsey or Kim stupidly says, "Do not. Pass out." They talk in hushed voices as if speaking loudly might disturb the fire's concentration. Frank and Teresa are working elsewhere on starting another fire, but Silas trumps them with the magnifying-glass advantage. Frank gets in on securing the fire once Silas has it going. The whole tribe celebrates together, and then Carl shows up out of nowhere and joins them.

Boran, meanwhile, hasn't discovered their magnifying lens yet. I bet they felt pretty stupid when they watched the episode. The tribe hasn't had water today, or for the majority of the day before. They decide to open up one of the food cans and Kelly tells us that otherwise they'd "have no moisture." Except, perhaps, for the tube of Astroglide in the medical supplies kit. Boran decides to open up a can of cherries, which seems like an odd provision. Then again, cherries are often presented sexually, so maybe the producers are trying to start something up. Ethan tells us they will each "take a cherry, pass it on." They're all obsessed with standing in a circle while doing so. A square formation, I think, would work the same way. As would a diamond or a rectangle. Even a figure eight could result in a successful distribution of cherries. It sounds as thought this tribe at least made the good decision of bringing along all their canned goods. And later, they can use the empty cans as cups to drink all that water they brought along. Ethan tells us in a confessional that he saw Clarence take two cherries in a row. For once, a cameraman is around to catch it. Clarence doesn't look particularly furtive while doing so; I'm thinking at this point he isn't aware of the one-cherry rule. Ethan continues going on about the cherries. The camera then closes up on a shot of Clarence lasciviously licking his fingers in slow motion.

Back at Samburu, Lindsey and Teresa go fetch the clue, which is held by some sort of small idol. Teresa says, "This is great! I oughta take this home with me!" If she continues to be Gretchen-esque, I'll be pleased. Now, about these clues: seriously, I have no idea why the Survivor people haven't called me yet to help them out with these things. Because they are so very bad. The clue is full of clichs about being "left in the dust" and "blaz[ing] a trail." Then there's the particularly inspired "oh, the dreaded first challenge!" part.