Peachy announces that it's just one week until the premiere when "sixteen strangers" will go on the "adventure of a lifetime." Does he use this same speech every time? In this episode, we'll meet the new cast, see clips from their audition tapes, and view an "exclusive preview." I don't believe he uses the word "special" in this whole introduction, so maybe he got my point. And I guess the concept of an "exclusive preview" loses its punch when the first episode has already aired. I tried to make it, I really did, but that infernal DVD got the best of me. Peachy also says we'll hear from the men and women of the first two seasons. They'll "talk straight" and "reveal their personal secrets." I don't think I want to know Sue Hawk's personal secrets.
"First there was the island," according to a melodramatic Peachy. We see clips from Pulau Tiga. And there's Rudy! "Then there was the Outback." We see clips from Australia. And there's Rodger! "Ahead," according to Peachy, lies the "greatest adventure yet." I think I'd feel pretty slighted if I was on one of the other seasons, but then again, it is Africa.
Peachy looks like he's been on the Survivor Diet. He's all head. So this special is the "insider's guide" to "how to watch, whom to watch, and what to watch for." If I were in Africa, I'd be watching out for elephant dung, but then again, mammoth piles of shit are hard to miss. Peachy tells us that we'll get help from the people who know best that the "battle begins the very first moment." Different Survivors say the same thing different ways. We see the ship that abandoned the Pulau Tiga crew, and the plane that abandoned the Outback gang. A long-haired Gretchen tells us that her survival skills counted for nothing out there. Well, they did count for something -- her obvious competency led to a premature demise. Gervase says it's important not to piss anyone off. He doesn't say it's important to work hard, which would have been funny. Jeff Varner says that you don't need a leader, but Kimmi points out that "you don't want to be too much of a weak link," either. They're not all in the same place when they comment, but it's pieced together to make it look and sound like it's a group conversation in which none of them is listening to each other. Were they all actually in the same place, the conversation would pretty much go the same way.
We're now at Tagi camp from Survivor I; and Richard is up in his tree. In my first ever recap (I was so young then, sigh, sob), I commented that Richard reminded me of the Cheshire Cat -- perched in his tree, talking in riddles and irritating the hell out of everyone. He still reminds me of the Cheshire Cat. Sean -- there's something weird going on with his left ear -- says that Richard's sitting up in the tree was a "bad move." B.B. tells us he never thought that Rich would survive the first episode. Gervase tells us he was like, "What the hell are you doin' up in a tree? You should be down here talking to us." Except Gervase was on Pagong, not Tagi, so I'm unsure why he's injected himself into the scenario. He's like Forrest Gump. Gretchen analyzes the tape and says that Richard went about things the wrong way. If "wrong way" means "whatever way wins the million dollars," that is. I don't see him here two years later, grasping for one last ounce of fame and rehashing the same stuff over and over and over again. I'm not defending Richard Hatch. I'm just saying, is all. Anyway, we view the oft-shown clip when Richard says he's already won the million. Rudy tells us that Rich didn't know what he was talking about at that point, because it was anyone's game at that point. Sue tells us that Rich only knew how to "sit on his ass and talk." Hey, Sue, Gretchen's head is on the phone. It wants its haircut back. Rudy nods his head and curmudgeons that Rich is a "bigmouth." I miss Rudy. If you couldn't tell. Sue then tells us that her first thought of Richard was, "He's just a lazy fat ass." Kelly tells us that Rich is a "smart man," and Tina agrees that he may be smart, but insists that luck played a role in his winning. Sean doesn't want to play "armchair Survivor," but he thinks Rich would have been disposed of very quickly in the second season.
Now we're at Pagong camp, with B.B. working too hard, giving everybody orders, and nearly giving himself a heart attack. He tells us that he didn't have any conscious strategy going into the game, but that he just wanted to get things started. Mike Skupin from the second season says that some people will try to be the "go-to guy," which is exactly what he himself did. Gretchen tells us that B.B. built a great building, but put it in the wrong location; Gervase insists that talent is an asset, as long as it's a really good talent. Rudy says that B.B. probably was the hardest worker, but that "he was in too much of a hurry." Seriously, Rudy quotes are always funny, but they're so much funnier straight from his mouth to your ears without all these letters in the way. We see more clips of B.B. giving orders and lamenting his tribe's collective laziness. He points out Colleen for not doing her assigned work. Of course, we're supposed to feel outraged because pre-Elisabeth Colleen was America's sweetheart, but really she is just sitting there. Gervase says it's not like B.B. is his boss: "What's he going to do -- fire us?" Poor B.B. swallows his pride as he tells us that he lost sight of the game's objective. Gervase sums it up: "B.B. was an ass."
Alicia from the Outback says that first impressions are everything. As if we didn't hear that the first time a variety of Survivors made that claim. Rudy tells us that staying off the radar is the only way to survive. Funny, I would never call Rudy, Rich, or Sue "off the radar," and they made it all the way to the end. It's like these people are talking about how they think the game should be, but not how it actually is. Kelly says that you don't want to stand out as a leader because if people don't like you, you're screwed. This is followed by Debb clips. Jeff says he thought anyone who acted like Rich in the second season was going to be a target. I didn't like Debb, but I didn't particularly think she acted like Richard. For one thing, she didn't climb any trees. Rodger tells us there's a time to talk, to listen, and to keep your mouth shut. Two of those things seem like the same thing to me. Alicia says that Debb made it very obvious that she was going to try to take control of the Kucha tribe; Jeff says Debb "offered herself up" and "needed to go." In a confessional, Debb tells us that "one person" in the group was ordering everyone around. I don't think she's aware that "one person" was named Debb. We see a clip of Debb calling Rodger "Green Hat." The nerve! Rodger says that he knew Debb was digging her own grave. As opposed to Buffy, who had to dig herself out.
It's now time to meet four of the new contestants: Silas Gaither is a twenty-three-year-old bartender from Germantown, Tennessee. In his confessional, he says he's a family man, and that he plans to support his wife and kids. He then insists that he's politically correct and that if his wife wants to work, she has his permission. Carl Bilancione is a forty-six-year-old dentist from Winter Spring, Florida. I think he used this same tape to audition as an extra on The Sopranos. He tells us he's not "your typical dentist," because he's not fat, bald-headed, and divorced. He's run six marathons; I wonder if any of them were in the past two decades. Tom Hanks could have used this guy in Cast Away, but I'm not sure how helpful his dental skills will be in Africa. we meet Jessie Camacho, a twenty-seven-year-old Deputy Sheriff from Orlando. She does push-ups as she tells us she'll win because she's a female Puerto Rican and "the heat, the rice...bring it on!" Bring on Jennifer Lopez, too, because I want to see if I can tell them apart. Tom Buchanan is the last we meet for now. He's forty-six, and a farmer from Rich Valley, Virginia. He rides his tractor and calls to his dogs, telling them they're "gonna be a star." That's cute, but I've since seen the first episode. Also, two words: raccoon dick.
Every time I see the commercials for Don't Say a Word, I'm convinced that the Brittany Murphy part was written for Calista Flockhart -- vulnerable, underfed, and writhing around. Calista's version of writhing is more commonly known as dancing.
We're back, and Peachy's on the set, which I just noticed features a zebra rug. I wonder whether the camps will be decorated likewise. PETA will be so pleased. And yes, the zebra is an endangered species. And yes, I realize that may be a faux zebra rug, but still it's lame. Peachy tells us that the game is the same in any location, which is why I'm still campaigning for a parking lot in east Baltimore. In a montage of clips, it looks like the Survivors are asked to respond to names with one-word descriptions. Sean says, "Loudmouth: Sue." This is followed by a clip from Pulau Tiga of Sue telling Sean to "get some balls." Gervase says, "Grouch: B.B." Rudy says, "Grouch: probably me." Rodger and Alicia both think Jeff is the grouch. A typically clueless Jerri says she has no idea who might be grouchy. Mike and Tina call Jeff a troublemaker. Jeff calls himself a troublemaker. Sue says "femme fatale," but it sounds more like "faaaaah fahhhtale." I have to rewind it about six times before I can figure out that's what she is saying. She then says, "What the hell is that?" Gervase and Jeff think Jerri is a femme fatale. I think that's a compliment -- "femme fatale," to me, implies some sort of intellect, wit, and basic magnetism. Sue calls Richard a whiner. Gervase and Kimmi call Debb a whiner. Rodger and Jerri think Colby is a backstabber; Alicia thinks that attribute more accurately describes Tina. B.B. thinks Gervase is the backstabber; Mike thinks it's Jeff Varner. All of the Tagis -- Sean, Rudy, and Sue -- think of Kelly when they hear the word "backstabber." This is juxtaposed with Kelly saying that "everyone" is a backstabber, which is juxtaposed with a shot of all the Survivors standing around looking shifty. Hee. I'm realizing, as I recap this, that it doesn't translate so well on paper. And it wasn't that great on viewing to begin with.
Peachy tells us that understanding alliances is key to playing Survivor. Mike says it's possible to survive without any actual survival skills, as long as you have good friendships, but Kimmi doesn't think you have time to figure out who your friends are. Gervase tells us that he started looking for an alliance as soon as he got there, and since he and Joel had the same method of playing the game, they made a pact. He tells us he cried when Joel got voted off; but if I remember, those two got pretty catty when the allegations of chauvinism started flying. He says he was sad because he was the last guy on "Team Gervase." I wonder how Joel felt playing on "Team Gervase" as opposed to on "Team Joel." Mike says that the people with the best friendships or alliances make it to the end. He doesn't point out that friendship and alliances are -- and should be -- two entirely different things. Tina and Colby go on for the umpteenth time about how great it was that they were faithful to each other until the end. No one mentions how not-so-great it was that they backstabbed everyone else. This whole thing is so tired it has trouble staying awake. Sue tells us she made "one true alliance" on Pulau Tiga; we then see clips of her and Kelly acting sisterly. Sue reveals that on the fifth day Richard approached her with his "rhetoric" and said they should align because they were "both the biggest creeps on the island." If I'd thought about it way back then, I would have called him "Rhetoric Dick." In any case, he continues that if they're the last two left, the others will "have to pick between one of us idiots." Sue tells us she bullshitted Richard and then made her own pact with a snake. Alicia says that a friendship like the one Rodger and Elisabeth share is rare. Jeff says he thinks it was a genuine friendship. I'm wondering if he and Alicia had a falling out? In any case, we see the heart-shaped rock clip. Rodger tells us that Elisabeth reminded him of his daughter, and that they were best friends in the Outback, and they're best friends now. He came away from the game with a "friend for life," and he'd choose that over the money. Jeff says the friendship served Elisabeth and Rodger well, and that "the two good people came together and they were a power of one." I like the "the" part of that sentence, as in "they were the only two good people there."
We briefly see a clip of Greg running around yelling about counting chickens before they hatch. Otherwise, he's MIA from this special, as are Colleen, Lamber, Richard, Elisabeth, Joel, Nick, Jenna...actually, practically everyone is missing from this episode. I'm surprised they didn't bill it as a "special" Survivor panel of experts or something like that. Alicia tells us that you have to choose your battles...and now it's chicken time. I cannot do this anymore. Really. ["Me neither. In protest, I'm not even going to link to it again." -- Wing Chun] There's a finger, it's waving. There's a head, it's bobbing. Kimmi and Alicia sit together and give commentary about the argument while the footage plays. Then they get into another fight. Jeff gleefully points to himself skulking off in the background; he says he instigated the fight. Alicia wants to kill him. Kimmi tries to do Alicia's move -- she gets the finger moving, but the head is not bobbing. The effort makes her snarl. Keep that girl off the dance floor. Now onto the fight between Kelly and Sue, which pales by comparison. Kelly is so trailer-park chic. Without the "chic" part.
Now, more newbies: Clarence Black is a huge, twenty-four-year-old, high school basketball coach from Detroit. He wears tighty whities and a weightlifting belt. Teresa Cooper is . She's a forty-two-year-old flight attendant who is cut. These people get more and more physically fit each season. They also get less interesting. Kelly Goldsmith is twenty-two and a Behavioral Research Analyst from Rancho Santa Fe, California. She stands around in an "I Make Boys Cry" shirt and a cheerleader's skirt and says she wore it to a bar on Sunday night, "all for the love of the show." I love the show, too, but I've never thought wearing my similarly-sloganed t-shirt out in public was indicative of that. Frank Garrison is forty-three, and a telephone technician from Odessa, New York. In his audition tape, he stakes a stuffed lion from a telephone pole. I'm sure those casting agents never get tired of the old stuffed animal trick.
Peachy now tells us that putting sixteen men and women together means that inevitably one topic will come up: sex. Jeff Varner says that people use sex as a weapon in the outside world, so why wouldn't they do the same on such a show? Jerri thought that sex might be her strategy, but then Colby came along and that went out the window. Since we've all perhaps finally recovered from the chocolate and sex and bongo-beating abomination, I won't go into it here. Colleen and Greg continue to deny their relationship. Jeff Varner tells us everyone is nasty out there, and the thought of getting intimate "ain't cute."
It's now time for the food segment. We get shots of the butok-eating from the Pulau Tiga, and the Wheel of Nasty Creepy Crawliness from the Outback. The rats that Pagong ate also make guest appearances. Gretchen gives seemingly obvious advice to future applicants, which is that they should expect to eat things they don't want to eat -- things they don't normally even consider food. I'm always amazed that contestants on reality shows continue to act surprised by being forced to eat weird stuff. Rudy tells us, "It depends what you gotta eat. If it's an eyeball, I think I'd try swallowin' it. I can't see chewin' an eyeball." Please read that aloud in your most curmudgeonly voice. Gervase says he was sure he couldn't eat the butok, but did it for the good of his team. We aren't shown the bizarre clip of Gervase repeatedly licking his thumbs. Sean says he would eat "a bucket of bugs" before he's eat anything the contestants from Survivor II had to eat. Sean looks like he ate a bucket of bugs...covered in butter, dipped in chocolate, and deep-fried. Rudy says you need to weigh your disgust against the possibility of getting kicked off; Michael says Kimmi's non-brain-eating might have cost her a million dollars. Jerri tells us there were many aspects of the game for which she wasn't prepared, and that the "starvation aspect was just horrifying." And she didn't eat for thirty or so days -- she should imagine what's it's like for people for whom starving is a way of life. My Survivor-watching friends and I find the way in which the word "starving" is thrown around on this show to be offensive. In any case, there's no chorus of "Feed the World." There's no Boy George; there's no Simon Le Bon. I'm not saying they're not really skinny, I just don't agree that two foodless days constitutes starvation. In an old clip, Elisabeth voice-overs that they are starving. I think they try to trick us into thinking she's making this commentary in present time. She's too big for that now, with her flowery hair and her shoe-making and her television show.
We were spared the pig-killing on the DVD, but not here. That pig is a friendly pig. It doesn't even run from Mike; it's just kind of being goofy and playful. It's probably Mark Burnett's former pet. Jerri tells us that if she'd seen a pig, she wouldn't even have needed a knife to kill it. No, just her super-death-ray glance. Now onto the first season, when Rich earned his keep by catching fish. We see a clip of a shark. I don't remember Rich catching a shark. Gervase tells us how horrible it was when the Tagis arrived at challenges bragging about eating fish, and that the Pagongs would have to admit they were rat eaters. Sue tells us she didn't want to eat rat, but that it was high in protein. Gervase tells us rat was "some of the best stuff [he's] ever had in [his] life."
, they start talking about fate and luck, which leads us to the fateful but not-so-lucky moment wherein Mike falls into the fire. ["Once again, we've all been assaulted by this footage so many times that I don't think I really need to link to it. Right?" -- Wing Chun] Sue says that the secret to winning the game is to "physically not hurt yourself." Hee. Sue. Jeff says that day "changed it all," and insists that he gave up when Mike fell into the fire. Tina says "fate played a huge role"; she believes she wouldn't have won if Mike hadn't taken a digger into the fire. And then she might not be sitting here right now in that ugly sequined tank top and the entire 1998 MAC Fall cosmetics line on her face. Rodger reveals that he'd allied with Mike to go into the final three with Elisabeth earlier that day. Sigh. Mike tells us that the incident proved that no matter what happens, you can never be in complete control.
And then we meet more Africa Survivors: Kim Johnson is fifty-seven -- she's a retired teacher from Oyster Bay, New York who wants to "kick butt" and "win the friggin' million dollars." She doesn't say anything about "taking names." Brandon Quinton is twenty-five and a bartender from Dallas, Texas. If there's a drink mixing contest in Africa, there will be quite the competition. Brandon sits at a desk and queens that he needs to win because he has a crappy apartment. The low battery light is flashing on his tape. This, by the way, is the guy who listed "smoking" as a hobby on his application. ["I LOVE HIM." -- Wing Chun] Diane Ogden is a forty-two-year-old mail carrier and Sue Hawk impersonator from Lincoln, Nebraska. She tell the tape, "What you see is what you get." What you get is some very big hair. And finally, Kim Powers: twenty-nine-year-old freelance marketer from Conshohocken, Pennsylvania. She does the interview from a bubble bath, and flirts her way onto the show.
We get a montage of Survivor losers revealing the secret to winning. If they really knew the secret, wouldn't they have won? Various people list the following as factors in success: flexibility, blending in, good relationships, emotional detachment, lying (Jeff Varner), eating a lot and having a lot of weight to lose, persistence, making a contribution, not dominating, "fak[ing] it" (Gervase), hard work, staying low-key, good physical condition, not pissing anyone off, and being yourself. Tina then adds, "Luck."
And now, one of my favorite Talking Rudy Doll lines: he tells a cameraperson, "I'll probably never see these people again. That's the way I want it!" I wish I could say the same -- about not ever seeing them again, not about not wanting to never want to see them again. Did I trick you up there? Meant to. Anyway, we now get various clips of downtrodden tribes. We see the flood during the second season; we see the dire rice rescue, and the "Outback internet café." I think the editors just got tired and threw in the last moments of the "Most Outrageous Moments" special. Rodger tells us he came away with the belief that the show was real. He doesn't mention that a body double jumped off the cliff in his place.
Tina tells us that everyone wonders why Colby kept her instead of Keith in the final two. Mike thinks Colby's decision proved that the game was not about winning $1 million. But you can make friends at home, so why go, then? Jerri just thinks it was a "stupid thing to do." Tina says her friendship meant more to Colby than a million did, but she doesn't say how much Colby's friendship meant to her. Jeff Varner says when it comes down to the final two, the most respected person wins in the end. Tina says she thought the jury would feel the same way she did -- that Colby deserved to win. Tina is -- sunburns aside -- overexposed.
And finally, the last four of the new season: Lindsey Richter is a twenty-seven-year-old advertising account executive from Portland, Oregon. Looks like you have a damn good shot of making Survivor if you're twenty-seven, or a bartender. Lindsey toplessly rides her bike and growls at the camera. Forty-four-year-old Linda Spencer is a career counselor from Cambridge, Massachusetts. She stands in the snow, strips down to a bra, and insists that she "gets the game." She certainly does: it's all about the skin, people. Lex van den Berghe is thirty-eight and a marketing manager from Santa Cruz, California. He's a drummer with lots of piercings, and he's ready to dig for worms with his bare hands. And finally, we have cute Ethan Zohn, a twenty-seven-year-old professional soccer player from Lexington, Massachusetts. He's cute, but he thinks Tina was hot. Sketchy.
Peachy talks to Tina, who is no longer wearing the sparkly shirt. She must have blinded someone. I'm surprised they couldn't get Rich, the original media hog, back for this show. In any case, Tina says that she wouldn't do Survivor over again, which is easy to say now that she's already won. If she did do it again, she'd play differently, because the game evolves with every new group of competitors. Sean rhetorically asks, "Who would bet on the soccer mom?" Alicia says Tina stayed under the radar and "had the biggest balls out there." Jeff tells us that Tina played all nice but he didn't buy it: "Gimme a break. That's a smart woman, and she'll chop your head off in a second." He is B to the I to the T to the T to the E to the R. Bitter. Jerri says Tina was "everything to everyone -- mother, friend, source of support, competitor, manipulator." She does not say that Tina did what she did, said what she said, knew all the right people, and played all the right games. She also does not say, "Spin around and fall down. Do it again. You stumble and you fall. Yeah you do it again. Spin around and fall down. Do it again. I wonder if you'll ever learn."
Tina then gives her formula for success in Survivor: luck, strategy and "not rocking the boat." She predicts, based on the audition tapes, that Clarence Black and Lindsey Richter are "game-savvy" and will go far. If we're being shown this now, it bodes poorly for them.
And finally we get a clip from the first show of the season. By now most of us have seen this episode, or will be reading the recap shortly. If you are dying for me to recap the precap, send me an email and I'll send you five lines. Otherwise, see you in Africa!