Survivor S02E17

Peachy announces that it's just one week until the premiere when "sixteen strangers" will go on the "adventure of a lifetime." Does he use this same speech every time? In this episode, we'll meet the new cast, see clips from their audition tapes, and view an "exclusive preview." I don't believe he uses the word "special" in this whole introduction, so maybe he got my point. And I guess the concept of an "exclusive preview" loses its punch when the first episode has already aired. I tried to make it, I really did, but that infernal DVD got the best of me. Peachy also says we'll hear from the men and women of the first two seasons. They'll "talk straight" and "reveal their personal secrets." I don't think I want to know Sue Hawk's personal secrets.

"First there was the island," according to a melodramatic Peachy. We see clips from Pulau Tiga. And there's Rudy! "Then there was the Outback." We see clips from Australia. And there's Rodger! "Ahead," according to Peachy, lies the "greatest adventure yet." I think I'd feel pretty slighted if I was on one of the other seasons, but then again, it is Africa.

Peachy looks like he's been on the Survivor Diet. He's all head. So this special is the "insider's guide" to "how to watch, whom to watch, and what to watch for." If I were in Africa, I'd be watching out for elephant dung, but then again, mammoth piles of shit are hard to miss. Peachy tells us that we'll get help from the people who know best that the "battle begins the very first moment." Different Survivors say the same thing different ways. We see the ship that abandoned the Pulau Tiga crew, and the plane that abandoned the Outback gang. A long-haired Gretchen tells us that her survival skills counted for nothing out there. Well, they did count for something -- her obvious competency led to a premature demise. Gervase says it's important not to piss anyone off. He doesn't say it's important to work hard, which would have been funny. Jeff Varner says that you don't need a leader, but Kimmi points out that "you don't want to be too much of a weak link," either. They're not all in the same place when they comment, but it's pieced together to make it look and sound like it's a group conversation in which none of them is listening to each other. Were they all actually in the same place, the conversation would pretty much go the same way.

We're now at Tagi camp from Survivor I; and Richard is up in his tree. In my first ever recap (I was so young then, sigh, sob), I commented that Richard reminded me of the Cheshire Cat -- perched in his tree, talking in riddles and irritating the hell out of everyone. He still reminds me of the Cheshire Cat. Sean -- there's something weird going on with his left ear -- says that Richard's sitting up in the tree was a "bad move." B.B. tells us he never thought that Rich would survive the first episode. Gervase tells us he was like, "What the hell are you doin' up in a tree? You should be down here talking to us." Except Gervase was on Pagong, not Tagi, so I'm unsure why he's injected himself into the scenario. He's like Forrest Gump. Gretchen analyzes the tape and says that Richard went about things the wrong way. If "wrong way" means "whatever way wins the million dollars," that is. I don't see him here two years later, grasping for one last ounce of fame and rehashing the same stuff over and over and over again. I'm not defending Richard Hatch. I'm just saying, is all. Anyway, we view the oft-shown clip when Richard says he's already won the million. Rudy tells us that Rich didn't know what he was talking about at that point, because it was anyone's game at that point. Sue tells us that Rich only knew how to "sit on his ass and talk." Hey, Sue, Gretchen's head is on the phone. It wants its haircut back. Rudy nods his head and curmudgeons that Rich is a "bigmouth." I miss Rudy. If you couldn't tell. Sue then tells us that her first thought of Richard was, "He's just a lazy fat ass." Kelly tells us that Rich is a "smart man," and Tina agrees that he may be smart, but insists that luck played a role in his winning. Sean doesn't want to play "armchair Survivor," but he thinks Rich would have been disposed of very quickly in the second season.

Now we're at Pagong camp, with B.B. working too hard, giving everybody orders, and nearly giving himself a heart attack. He tells us that he didn't have any conscious strategy going into the game, but that he just wanted to get things started. Mike Skupin from the second season says that some people will try to be the "go-to guy," which is exactly what he himself did. Gretchen tells us that B.B. built a great building, but put it in the wrong location; Gervase insists that talent is an asset, as long as it's a really good talent. Rudy says that B.B. probably was the hardest worker, but that "he was in too much of a hurry." Seriously, Rudy quotes are always funny, but they're so much funnier straight from his mouth to your ears without all these letters in the way. We see more clips of B.B. giving orders and lamenting his tribe's collective laziness. He points out Colleen for not doing her assigned work. Of course, we're supposed to feel outraged because pre-Elisabeth Colleen was America's sweetheart, but really she is just sitting there. Gervase says it's not like B.B. is his boss: "What's he going to do -- fire us?" Poor B.B. swallows his pride as he tells us that he lost sight of the game's objective. Gervase sums it up: "B.B. was an ass."

Alicia from the Outback says that first impressions are everything. As if we didn't hear that the first time a variety of Survivors made that claim. Rudy tells us that staying off the radar is the only way to survive. Funny, I would never call Rudy, Rich, or Sue "off the radar," and they made it all the way to the end. It's like these people are talking about how they think the game should be, but not how it actually is. Kelly says that you don't want to stand out as a leader because if people don't like you, you're screwed. This is followed by Debb clips. Jeff says he thought anyone who acted like Rich in the second season was going to be a target. I didn't like Debb, but I didn't particularly think she acted like Richard. For one thing, she didn't climb any trees. Rodger tells us there's a time to talk, to listen, and to keep your mouth shut. Two of those things seem like the same thing to me. Alicia says that Debb made it very obvious that she was going to try to take control of the Kucha tribe; Jeff says Debb "offered herself up" and "needed to go." In a confessional, Debb tells us that "one person" in the group was ordering everyone around. I don't think she's aware that "one person" was named Debb. We see a clip of Debb calling Rodger "Green Hat." The nerve! Rodger says that he knew Debb was digging her own grave. As opposed to Buffy, who had to dig herself out.

It's now time to meet four of the new contestants: Silas Gaither is a twenty-three-year-old bartender from Germantown, Tennessee. In his confessional, he says he's a family man, and that he plans to support his wife and kids. He then insists that he's politically correct and that if his wife wants to work, she has his permission. Carl Bilancione is a forty-six-year-old dentist from Winter Spring, Florida. I think he used this same tape to audition as an extra on The Sopranos. He tells us he's not "your typical dentist," because he's not fat, bald-headed, and divorced. He's run six marathons; I wonder if any of them were in the past two decades. Tom Hanks could have used this guy in Cast Away, but I'm not sure how helpful his dental skills will be in Africa. we meet Jessie Camacho, a twenty-seven-year-old Deputy Sheriff from Orlando. She does push-ups as she tells us she'll win because she's a female Puerto Rican and "the heat, the rice...bring it on!" Bring on Jennifer Lopez, too, because I want to see if I can tell them apart. Tom Buchanan is the last we meet for now. He's forty-six, and a farmer from Rich Valley, Virginia. He rides his tractor and calls to his dogs, telling them they're "gonna be a star." That's cute, but I've since seen the first episode. Also, two words: raccoon dick.

Every time I see the commercials for Don't Say a Word, I'm convinced that the Brittany Murphy part was written for Calista Flockhart -- vulnerable, underfed, and writhing around. Calista's version of writhing is more commonly known as dancing.

We're back, and Peachy's on the set, which I just noticed features a zebra rug. I wonder whether the camps will be decorated likewise. PETA will be so pleased. And yes, the zebra is an endangered species. And yes, I realize that may be a faux zebra rug, but still it's lame. Peachy tells us that the game is the same in any location, which is why I'm still campaigning for a parking lot in east Baltimore. In a montage of clips, it looks like the Survivors are asked to respond to names with one-word descriptions. Sean says, "Loudmouth: Sue." This is followed by a clip from Pulau Tiga of Sue telling Sean to "get some balls." Gervase says, "Grouch: B.B." Rudy says, "Grouch: probably me." Rodger and Alicia both think Jeff is the grouch. A typically clueless Jerri says she has no idea who might be grouchy. Mike and Tina call Jeff a troublemaker. Jeff calls himself a troublemaker. Sue says "femme fatale," but it sounds more like "faaaaah fahhhtale." I have to rewind it about six times before I can figure out that's what she is saying. She then says, "What the hell is that?" Gervase and Jeff think Jerri is a femme fatale. I think that's a compliment -- "femme fatale," to me, implies some sort of intellect, wit, and basic magnetism. Sue calls Richard a whiner. Gervase and Kimmi call Debb a whiner. Rodger and Jerri think Colby is a backstabber; Alicia thinks that attribute more accurately describes Tina. B.B. thinks Gervase is the backstabber; Mike thinks it's Jeff Varner. All of the Tagis -- Sean, Rudy, and Sue -- think of Kelly when they hear the word "backstabber." This is juxtaposed with Kelly saying that "everyone" is a backstabber, which is juxtaposed with a shot of all the Survivors standing around looking shifty. Hee. I'm realizing, as I recap this, that it doesn't translate so well on paper. And it wasn't that great on viewing to begin with.

Peachy tells us that understanding alliances is key to playing Survivor. Mike says it's possible to survive without any actual survival skills, as long as you have good friendships, but Kimmi doesn't think you have time to figure out who your friends are. Gervase tells us that he started looking for an alliance as soon as he got there, and since he and Joel had the same method of playing the game, they made a pact. He tells us he cried when Joel got voted off; but if I remember, those two got pretty catty when the allegations of chauvinism started flying. He says he was sad because he was the last guy on "Team Gervase." I wonder how Joel felt playing on "Team Gervase" as opposed to on "Team Joel." Mike says that the people with the best friendships or alliances make it to the end. He doesn't point out that friendship and alliances are -- and should be -- two entirely different things. Tina and Colby go on for the umpteenth time about how great it was that they were faithful to each other until the end. No one mentions how not-so-great it was that they backstabbed everyone else. This whole thing is so tired it has trouble staying awake. Sue tells us she made "one true alliance" on Pulau Tiga; we then see clips of her and Kelly acting sisterly. Sue reveals that on the fifth day Richard approached her with his "rhetoric" and said they should align because they were "both the biggest creeps on the island." If I'd thought about it way back then, I would have called him "Rhetoric Dick." In any case, he continues that if they're the last two left, the others will "have to pick between one of us idiots." Sue tells us she bullshitted Richard and then made her own pact with a snake. Alicia says that a friendship like the one Rodger and Elisabeth share is rare. Jeff says he thinks it was a genuine friendship. I'm wondering if he and Alicia had a falling out? In any case, we see the heart-shaped rock clip. Rodger tells us that Elisabeth reminded him of his daughter, and that they were best friends in the Outback, and they're best friends now. He came away from the game with a "friend for life," and he'd choose that over the money. Jeff says the friendship served Elisabeth and Rodger well, and that "the two good people came together and they were a power of one." I like the "the" part of that sentence, as in "they were the only two good people there."