“ Pimpin Mad Dog opens her fur coat to reveal that shes wearing a red bikini and red high heels. This would have been a hysterical moment if they hadnt ruined it by showing it in last weeks promo. ”
Peachy tells us in the intro that tonight well take a final adventure into the private lives of the sixteen survivors. It sounds like a Red Shoe Diary to me. In any case, credits.
Peachy strolls onto the set -- because I think at this point we can safely assume that this is Los Angeles and not Australia, if it ever actually was Australia in the first place -- in his Im a city slicker now blazer and I take my fashion cues from Regis gray shirt. He announces that the game is over but the lives of its competitors have changed forever. Were going inside the homes and hearts of sixteen ordinary people now living extraordinary lives. A clip of Tina tells us its not just children who have dreams; adults have them too. Thanks for that, Tina. I now feel freed to pursue my long-time dream of becoming a ballerina. Peachy then announces that some of the S16 found love, and we cut to a clip of Elisabeth and her now-fianc mugging for the camera. Peachy then says well also learn who didnt find love, as Jerri says of Colby in a clip, Knowing him now, Id have to say no way in hell. Well also, according to Peachy, learn who is searching for answers, and Michaels burnt hands tell us they wonder why God would do something like that to them. Finally, well see who is searching for peace while working as a corrections officer. Peachy adds that well get some surprising spin from last years Survivors, and I guess thats supposed to include Jennas confession that she is in love with Colby. Shes in the demographic -- of course shes in love with him.
Peachy tells us that every player has a different take on their Outback experience, and well first look at two who want to set the record straight. He tells us that the first wants to put it all behind her, while the other is just lovin life and livin like mad. A large road sign reads, Welcome to Wakefield: Home of Maralyn Mad Dog Hershey Survivor II. We see a charming country house with a green Survivor flag out front. Inside, the phone rings and Maralyns gravelly voice drawls, Im probably Outback. But Ill be happy to koala you later. If this was any of the other S16 -- say, Mitchell or Bozo the Keith -- this outgoing message would be extremely grating, but with Mad Dog its just added charm. The camera pans over all of her Survivor paraphernalia, and then finally we see a red-shoed Maralyn playing her didgeridoo. She then runs with a goat. In a voice-over, she tells us that shes the same old Mad Dog and nothings really changed. Kooky music plays in the background as we see a quick shot of Pimpin Mad Dog in a red hat and fur coat, creeping around her porch with a devilish look on her face. She tells us she went from being your average street cop to the Outback on the number-one show on America. Why is it that I dont think many people have been inclined to describe Mad Dog as average? In any case, she thinks its bizarre to have gone through the Survivor experience, but insists that shes still the same. She still has to muck out her own donkey stall, which we see her gleefully doing. Pimpin Mad Dog is back and standing on the porch; she holds up her blue granny bathing suit and says, This was then We then cut to a shot of her sister, who says shes a changed Mad Dog, so I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks. Pimpin Mad Dog finishes with a this is now and opens her fur coat to reveal that shes wearing a red bikini and red high heels. This would have been a hysterical moment if they hadnt ruined it by showing it in last weeks promo. Maralyns sister than tells us shes now very much out there. Pimpin Mad Dog tells us shes lost a total of twenty pounds -- it looks like more than that to me -- and has two tattoos, including a kangaroo and a wrap-around crocodile on her bicep. Inside the house, she tells us in a black-lit room that she returned from the Outback with a tan, but once it started to fade she decided to heck with it; I wanna make my own tan. Suddenly shes in the sun bed, singing that all the world is 'round the corner, watching us everywhere. In a clothed confessional, she tells us that surviving Survivor and not allowing it to consume her identity may be the greatest challenge. I dont imagine that Maralyns identity is that easily taken over. From the sun bed she sings, Hey, Hef! I might shed it all! Hee. Then theres some standard blah blah-bage about life being short and living and loving like each days the last.
Back From The Outback
“ Kel tells us there was a huge dartboard of Jerri in his workplace, and the other soldiers were very angry and 'hammering' the picture of Jerri. He says he had to replace the photo several times, but hes now working on the construction of a top-secret, high-flying dirigible so he can climb aboard and get over it. ”
We are now in Berlin, New Hampshire, home of Debb Dont hate me because I have sex with my son-in-law Eaton. As she checks doors in the prison where she works, she tells us that all the prisoners have color televisions and cable. Hey -- I dont even have cable! Your tax dollars at work, people. Anyway, Debb tells us there are 340 prisoners, and they all know everything about her. She says they know more about her than her own mother does, which must be very little, since Debb was only around for one episode. She tells us that she never knows what shes going to get bombarded with when she begins her work day. Life after Survivor, according to Debb, isnt always a bed of roses. Now Debb stands outside the door to the prison and tells us to just wait a second and see what we can hear. She throws open the prison doors and begins goading the up-until-now-quiet prisoners with, What do you think, of me and Survivor? Survivor or not, I dont think this kind of act prompts positive responses. I wouldnt walk into a prison and yell, What do you think of me? One prisoner apathetically tells Debb to go fuck herself; another mumbles something about her being a freak. Debb says, What am I sayin? as if she just proved something to us, but I cant figure out what, since the two prisoners who could even bother to respond said not a word about Survivor even when directly asked. Debb tells us the whole country hated her guts when she got voted off first, and that she wasnt ready for that. She was in love with her husband for twenty years before he died, and falling in love with his son was the best thing that ever happened to her. She says shes happiest with him and the dogs and the birds. We then see lots of happy shots of Debb and her son-in-law and the dogs and the birds hugging each other on the porch and in a bar. Bob Eaton tell us he was happy for Debb when Survivor started, but he wanted to just stay out of it and that wasnt allowed to happen. Debb blames someone at The National Enquirer who saw that her last name matched the last name of her boyfriend and did some investigative journalism. She says it might have been nave on her part to expect the public to be intelligent and understanding enough to listen to the circumstances before convening a witch hunt. Shes sad that people like to kick others when theyre down, which seems to me to be her chosen paid profession. She then repeats, Theyre kickin ya when youre down! with great angst in her voice. This is followed by lots of pensive sad-looking Debb shots. She tells us that Survivor has been a double-edged sword and hasnt been worth the after-effects. She wouldnt do it all over again, and thats all.
Fort Hood, Texas. A very bitter Kel tells us that every time he hears Jerris name its like nails down a chalkboard. As he does a screechy imitation, we see Jerri beating her bongos. Hearing Jerris name drives Kel crazy -- we get it. Kel tell us he was relieved when he was voted off, and the army accepted him back with open arms. We then see Kel exiting a building, and three of his steps are sped up through editing, which was a strange decision on the part of the production crew and makes Kel look silly and self-important, which may have been the desired effect. Kel tells us that, as a member of a intelligence community where everything is based on integrity, he wouldnt compromise his top-secret clearance for beef jerky. There are lots of trinkets on the counter in front of Kel during this interview. A disappointed Mad Dog snippet announces that there wasnt any beef jerky. Kel says hes been approached by several beef jerky companies to do commercials for them; these advertisements would surely help Kel maintain his great integrity. I can just see him dressed like a Slim Jim, yelling his head off in the digestive tract of some poor misguided jerky-eating shlub. Hes excited to have the possibility of making money off of Jerris lies; he thinks its sweet revenge. Jerris on The Young and the Restless, and Kel is busting through a paper wall and urging people to Slip into a Slim Jim! or whatever that bearded guy in the red long johns screams. I wouldnt call that a fair trade. Kel tells us there was a huge dartboard of Jerri in his workplace, and the other soldiers were very angry and hammering the picture of Jerri. He says he had to replace the photo several times, but hes now working on the construction of a top-secret, high-flying dirigible so he can climb aboard and get over it.
Back From The Outback
“ Jerri gets a croc shot, as opposed to the standard spider-spinning-its-web shot. Jeff just says her name a few times, meaning, I think, that hes lost for words. ”
We cut to some shots lifted from the intro to and a super-close up of Jerri saying, I am a very kind, honest, straightforward, creative, artistic, vulnerable person, followed immediately by Colby announcing, Jerri is a bitch. He thinks shell be laughing all the way to the bank, and so do a lot of other people, but Im really not sure. Jerri tells us she was just being [her]self and confronted people when they needed to be confronted. She says she was the person people loved to hate, but she wanted to be liked. It saddened her to see how evil people can be, and she includes herself as one of the evildoers. When she returned to L.A., she was sad that she couldnt call anyone to comfort her because they wouldnt understand. She tells us it was the loneliest experience of her life. Jerri then says shed been struggling for a while before Survivor and suffered from bartender burn-out. We see Jerri making drinks and cracking ice. We then cut to an acting clip of Jerri (looking very much like Stayfree Stillman), saying she doesnt wont to change her mind. A montage of Jerri's acting follows, but mostly theyre just still shots and clips of her flouncing around on a stage in tight clothes. Jerri tells us that acting is her lifelong dream, and her dad used to ask her what shed fall back on and she always said she wasnt going to fall. I guess she didnt anticipate Colby and the obstacle course challenge. She opens her one piece of supportive fan mail and says she is happy that some people understand her. I pause the VCR here and look very closely at the letter; its signed, Love, Lamber and Mitchell. Jerri claims that they dont all think Im horrible. She then tells us that the major post-Survivor difference in her life is that her appointment book is now full. She doesnt say shell be doing the cackling on several Halloween sound-effect CDs. We then see Jerri going through scenes on The Young and the Restless; some guy snaps the clapboard and makes a crazy face. Jerri tells us that failure is her biggest fear; Id make some crack here about that being funny because Jerri is my biggest fear, but thats an awfully Kel thing to say.
Peachy tells us that, when we come back from commercial, well visit with a guy who took his whole town on an adventure. This is followed by a clip of a little girl whos very excited to have a famous guy on her shirt. Well also learn what the S16 really think of each other. But first, Talking Rudy Doll tells us that them people hadda be pretty dumb to build their camp in a river bed. He says they blamed the elements for their struggles, but he blames their dumbness. Talking Rudy Doll, people. Hell be here all week.
Peachy now sits on a barrel and intros the segment, which consists of the S16 talking about each other. Jeff says Alicia Calloway is boo-yea booty! and then cracks up over it. We see a close-up boo-yea booty white-bikini shot. Thats not creepy or anything. Tina calls Jeff that little devil. Michael cant come up with a nice word to say about Jeff, which doesnt seem very born-again of him. Elisabeth calls Michael just plain nuts. Alicia and Kimmi say each others name, followed by a shot of boxing kangaroos. Alicia says Kimmi is not my type of person, and Kimmi says, We just dont see eye to eye, and blames their different heights. Jerri gets a croc shot, as opposed to the standard spider-spinning-its-web shot. Jeff just says her name a few times, meaning, I think, that hes lost for words. Bozo the Keith says that he and Jerri are in counseling; Colby doesnt know where to begin. Jerri says that Colby is a very attractive guy, but hes a boy. [She] need[s] a man, followed by excessive cackling. Kel says Colby reminds him of a cheesy cowboy, and Colby can only define Kel with the words socially inept. This commentary is accompanied by screeching tire sounds for some reason. Debb shows up and says, Nick. Was Nick on Survivor? Bozo the Keith also works the whos Nick riff. Lamber says she loved Maralyn to death; Maralyn calls Lamber the Mad Pup. Hee.