Last week on Survivor: Colby won a visit from his mom and her makeup before winning yet another immunity. Elisabeth rode her high horse right out of the Outback.
The show opens with an eternal montage of everything that's happened to date this season. And I mean everything. They don't want the three of you out there who just tuned in to feel left out. This wouldn't be so bad if the "special" clips show hadn't already wowed us with its "special" ability to repeat. It's important to know that Michael fell in the fire. It's not so important to know, but more fun to know that Jerri got dropped on her back by Colby. Several times.
Before I begin, and since I'm suffering, I think you all should as well: I can't hear Peachy say, "One will become The Sole Survivor" without launching in my head into the heartfelt chorus of "Sole Survivor" by Michael Bolton. And then I get to thinking about his shiny balding pate and combed over mullet and then my mind goes thankfully blank. These recaps come to you at a high price to my sanity.
Once we get through that montage (and we barely do) we launch into an extra long it-isn't- exciting-enough- to-air-without- special-effects scenery montage. This time they make it look as if the trees are running along the horizon; it actually made me laugh. Maybe I should be happy that this stuff is new and not the same old crocodile falling off the same old log. But don't worry all of you kooky croc fans, he makes a "special guest appearance" later.
And finally, some content -- even if it's just Colby sleeping while Bozo the Keith fetches wood. It's Day 40, and Bozo the Keith tells us it's the "home stretch," and that the last three days are what the game is all about. He says that everything else has been a "product to get to this point." Well, the product is usually the end point, but we know what he means -- and this is Bozo the Keith we're talking about. We should be happy he didn't break something, hit his head, or trip over his big floppy red clown shoes while saying it. Colby wakes up and tells Bozo the Keith he had a "solid" night's sleep for the first time since the game began. Colby then tells us in an interview that the environment and the elements have been a huge factor, and that they are the seventeenth player in the game. That would be seventeenth and eighteenth, but who's counting? Bozo the Keith and Colby calculate how much food is left. It looks like a lot to me. Colby says, "We're livin' on the edge in our rations." With a jar of peanut butter. Colby tells us that Day 40 is ten times harder than Day 21; he says they've each deteriorated but they still have to play the game, which has become about "surviving the people long enough to get in a position to win." As he says this, they show Bozo the Keith filling his water jug. Ominous music plays telling us we're supposed to find this menacing. I don't.
We go from the ominous track to the sad track as we see Tina writing in her diary. As she scribbles, she voice-overs that it's an "overwhelming surprise" to be there. I bet Tina writes "poetry." She says that she came into the game planning to do well, but that she never thought she could get this far, which I don't believe for a Tennessee second. She says she's "evolved" throughout the course of the game. "Evolved" is about sixteen syllables in Tina language. She tells us that she's not the same person she was when she started out, because she's "developed more" into a strategist. I bet everyone at her 20th high school reunion noticed she'd "developed more," too. She proudly points out that she's made it from the original sixteen to the final three. Suddenly we're back to Colby, who tells us that trusting people in the game will "git you gone." He goes deep and says that the game both parallels and differs from life. He says he's only been honest with himself in the game, and that he's not like that in real life. He tells us that, in trusting someone, "You're a fool for not playing the game." Does anyone think comments like these might come back to bite Colby in the ass? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Tina and Colby check the treemail and discover it's arts and crafts time at Camp Convenience. There's a crate full of paints and paintbrushes. They also receive three blocks of wood and will each carve their own idol "as a gift to the land." Tina exclaims, "We git to carve it!" Well, if carving was such excitement, couldn't she have been carving all along? I'm having trouble understanding why they need to be given the wood; they're in the middle of the forest -- it's all raw materials out there. Bozo the Keith tells us that he was intimidated by the "giving back to the land" part, and that he could do an excellent job with his #42 Clown White greasepaint makeup, but it got washed away in the flood. Colby had to stop and reflect before he could see how much he took from the land. And that's before the coral episode aired and he got sued. Not only do they get paints, wood, and paintbrushes, they also get beads and feathers, too. Come. On. Are they making immunity Cher dolls? This whole thing is a travesty. Really. They're in one of the most fiercely beautiful environments in the world, and they need to cover it up with beads and feathers? Bozo the Keith tells us that painting the idols gave them closure. In a sun-lit and blurred Playboy-esque interview, Tina says she likes long walks on the beach and disco dancing. No -- really, she says she's proud to be the only woman and thus "wanted her idol to be feminine in her own way." So she gave it breast implants. Colby tells us he's been reflecting and thinking about the last forty days. Do you think there's reflecting and thinking going on? Because I'm really not sure. He says he struggled with designing his Outback Ken doll until he realized there weren't any rules to follow. He concludes that playing the game is like that too.
This seriously feels like the longest two hours of my life. And I've only been watching for ten minutes.
As Colby and Tina hang out, they continue to reflect and think. Colby says that "six weeks" sounds so much longer than "forty-two days." Tina takes this literally and calculates that it sounds, in fact, like three weeks. Then for the second time in five minutes, Bozo the Keith mentions crossing the river. He seems kind of obsessed with it. The S3 talk about how they didn't know each other when they first arrived. Tina remembers thinking what a long road they had ahead of them. I'm thinking the same thing right now about the one hour and forty-two minutes. But who's counting? Bozo the Keith says it's been "a helluva ride." In completely non-logical statement, Tina tells us that the game has been "one big emotional pull." What I just wrote was logical. I translated it for you because it was too tiring to try to recap. Bozo the Keith tells us that tonight is one of their last nights. Tina says "it kills [her]" to think about going home so soon because, although she wants to see her family, she doesn't want to leave the Outback. Colby says he hates leaving because he doesn't want to "check out of the game before it's over" and that he'd never before thought of that as a possibility. Tina agrees that "it's not like you are voluntarily checking out." I can't for the life of me figure out why they're having this conversation and -- more importantly -- why we're forced to endure it. Colby says he'll take it like a man if he gets kicked off. Bozo the Keith says he'll take it like a clown. Actually he says, "We all will." Tina disagrees and says she's going to have a hissyfit. That one's for you, Wing! They talk about the evening's Tribal Council. They agree that it won't be fun. Blah friggin blah. Really! Bozo the Keith draws on his one functioning brain cell to deduce that only one of their votes will count that evening. He says it won't be the usual "voting block," and that it's about who you want the jury to see sitting to you. He shakes his head and says, "Tough call."
Bozo the Keith stares into the fire while techno music plays. Some kangaroos are doing the cabbage patch out at the river's edge. One of them is wearing Elisabeth's immunity headdress. Then Day 41 dawns. A hopping kangaroo is superimposed over the sun. He's not doing the cabbage patch or wearing Elisabeth's fugly hat. Tina tells us that she's sad not just because the game is ending, but because they're losing each other's company. Bozo the Keith tells us this last day has been "bittersweet" and that "one of us saw the sunset for the last time and the sun rise this morning for the last time." Unless they're moving to Greenland or Alaska, they're each pretty sure to have daily contact with the sun and its regular activities. ["No kidding. It's not like one of them is getting killed tonight." -- Wing Chun] Bozo the Keith has made rice patties for their last supper. He wants them (Tina and Colby) to know they've (the rice patties) been made with "a great deal of love and passion." Tina wants him to know that they're (the rice patties) eaten "with a great deal of love and passion" too. Colby, meanwhile, eats peanut butter straight from the jar. Bozo the Keith says, "From the bottom of this chef's heart to your guys' [sic] stomachs." We've been about one minute reflection-free, so Colby hurries up and tells us he doesn't like dwelling on the fact that the game is full of first and lasts.
A clue arrives; it's a flipbook with one word on each page. How annoying is that? Its only point, as far as I can see, is to ease the task of reading large blocks of text for the S3. The clue says that they'll walk past the torches of those who have gone before them, and that at the end of the "journey," they'll offer up their idols. Tina tells us that she can already feel "anxiety of some sort rising in [her] chest." Maybe she's mistaking anxiety for some other, more silicone substance. She chokes up as she tells us it's going to be hard to say goodbye. Colby says that the three of them are "very emotionally attached" to each other. He concludes, "If the word 'love' comes out of your mouth, then that's the emotion you're feeling at that time." He doesn't, though, love them like he loves his family...yet. He then realizes that he's talking about Bozo the Keith, and says he has to love them to have put up with them for so long. As they head off on the designated route, we see that Bozo the Keith's idol must have a spine injury, since it's strapped to a backboard. Colby's idol is mostly green. Tina's looks like it's wearing Björk's Oscar dress. The S3 hike past the torches in the order that the torches' owners were voted off. As they pass each torch, a montage plays of that Survivor's time in the Outback. I can't imagine they get too sad about Debb, since they never met her. They look very pensively at Maralyn's torch. Other torches they touch or just stare at. Michael's montage is packed with excitement: the killing of the "wild" boar and the fire incident. We see Alicia finger-waving; we see Jerri cackling. Tina kisses Lamber's torch. Because she didn't backstab her or anything. I think the music changes when they get to Rodger's torch and montage; I can't say I didn't choke up here. I didn't, however, wail and bang my fists against the television set. It looks like the S3 walk right by Elisabeth's torch, but they're probably tired of this by now and besides -- they just saw her yesterday.
The S3 walk in single file onto a plateau where Peachy is perkily perched on a rock ledge. He says, "Hey guys!" and launches into another of his stupid speeches: he says that after "chatting" with them, he's learned that the game has been a "life-changing experience." He points out that the torch walk was a chance for them to reflect on their past tribe members, and how they played the game, but that now it's time for them to reflect on their own game and what they'll take away from it. He says they're at the last waterfall before Tribal Council, which is the appropriate place to reflect on their time in the Outback. They are each instructed to find a private place to do this. When they're finished reflecting, they are to return to Peachy's chosen spot and "offer their idols" by tossing them in the river. Peachy announces, "This is your chance to give something back to a land that has given so much to you." Because the land really wants whatever Bozo the Keith has to offer. Ethereal woo-woo-wooing music starts.
In his private place, Bozo the Keith tells us that the time he's had in the Outback has been "a cleansing process". He says that "like any other individual that's [sic] forty years old," he's had both failures and successes. In an interview, a scruffy Keith says he'll walk away with something far more valuable than money: a scholarship to clown college. He then tells us very honestly that he don't think he'll make the final two because he's not "at that level." He doesn't think he has "the opportunity to win the money," even though he's had more of an opportunity than most. I even kind of believe him when he claims it's totally fine with him. His immunity idol takes a leap because it can't stand to listen to all this psychobabble any longer.
Tina insanely sits at the very edge of a high ledge with her legs hanging over. Every time they show an aerial view, I cringe. In an interview, she tells us she's lived her life trying to be independent and strong, but that in the Outback she's learned the value of family. She says that "for the first time," she's going to nurture her family when she goes home. She begins by nurturing her idol: she kisses it and chucks it over the ledge, where it fails to take flight on duck-like wings.
The triumphant music flares up for Colby. He tells us that being in the Outback has made him appreciate daily comforts, like the little things people say at home. He then lobs his sleek green idol into the water; it lands width-wise in the mouth of a crocodile, lodges in its throat, and causes a slow death by starvation.
The S3 then march into Tribal Council, where Peachy instructs them to "pull up [their] tablets." The jury comes in looking typically sullen. After Colby passes down the immunity necklace, Peachy tells the S3 that they've just completed a "rite of passage" and have had a chance to remember their tribemates. The immunity challenge, called "Fallen Comrades," is a series of twelve questions about their former tribemates and will determine how well the S3 really knew them. Peachy explains that the winner of this last challenge not only gains immunity, but the chance to select which other competitor makes it to the final two.
The first question asks which Barramundi member would tell you to "work your magic." They all guess Alicia, and they're all right. Bozo the Keith peeks at his answer before revealing it. The second question asks what town Rodger is from. Both Tina and Colby answer "Crittendon." Bozo the Keith writes "Critten." They all get it right because we all know Bozo the Keith is slow so half an answer is acceptable. The question asks who is the only Barramundi with a Master's degree. Bozo the Keith and Tina guess Nick -- which seems like a dumb answer to me: he's young and he's in law school. When would he have gotten a Master's degree? Colby guesses Jeff, which seems like a pretty good answer, but it's wrong too. Turns out Rodger has a Master of Arts in Industrial Education. Rodger tries to look stern because they got it wrong but busts out a smile when Tina exclaims, "He never told us that!" The fourth question is, "Who spent twelve years living in Germany?" They all know it's Jerri. Question #5 is a visual: a big picture of Afro-boy. This is a trick question, because he's not wearing his identifying kooky glasses. Colby says it's "Kenny." Tina says it's "Elisabeth's brother." Bozo the Keith guesses "Johnny." Both Colby and Tina are right. How, you ask? Kenny is Elisabeth's brother. Johnny was the name of Bozo the Keith's idol. Question #6 asks, "What two Survivors have tattoos of Chinese characters?" After looking at the jury for identifying marks, they all guess various amalgamations of other Survivors, but no one guesses Alicia and Jeff, which is the right answer. Question #7 is a follow-up and asks, "Jeff and Alicia also wear jewelry on the same part of their body. What is it and where do they were it?" Tina says "ring on the toe"; and Bozo the Keith says "bracelet on the ankle"; I say, "pain in my ass." Colby takes the lead with the correctly guessed "thumb ring." For the question, Peachy passes around a pair of khaki shorts and wants to know who they belong to. Tina makes a funny face. Colby doesn't smell the crotch, but he does inspect the label. Bozo the Keith guesses Jeff; Tina says Nick; Colby says Kel. Tina is surprised that she's right; Nick applauds her. They all know Elisabeth's boyfriend is named Tim. Both Colby and Tina know that Elisabeth and her boyfriend went to Boston College. Bozo the Keith thinks they went to Boston University. He's wrong, and he's out of the game. Peachy rubs in that there's "no need" for him to answer any further questions. The question asks which Survivor said on his or her application that he or she would choose to be stranded with President Clinton or the Pope because they're most likely to be rescued. Tina guesses Jeff and Colby guesses Alicia. They both seem like pretty good guesses to me, but the answer is Nick. The final question asks which boring Survivor's proudest accomplishment was being on the Dean's List for five semesters. I first interpreted this as "five years" and cracked myself up over it. Tina incorrectly guesses Nick; Colby correctly guesses Lamber. Give the boy his immunity necklace, already. Meanwhile, Lamber looks proud, and Tina looks put out. Bozo the Keith just looks skeptical.
Peachy points out that Tina and Bozo the Keith's votes will "nullify each other." He then instructs Colby to cast his vote and return the box to him. Colby flips the paper over before he begins writing -- does it actually have a front and a back? Both Tina and Bozo the Keith look very concerned; the jury does too. When Colby returns cradling the vote urn, where good Survivors go to die, Peachy says, "Somebody who has played this game for forty-one days is about to be voted out of the tribe." It's Bozo the Keith, who nods his head and grins. I wasn't surprised; neither was he. He says it's been an honor to play with the others, but that he still doesn't want to hug Colby for longer than two seconds. As Bozo the Keith makes a surprisingly accident-free exit, Colby shakes his head like, "What in Texas tarnation did I just do?" Meanwhile, Tina examines her exciting fingernails.
Where the credits would usually be, Bozo the Keith tells us again that playing was his honor, and that the game gave him the opportunity to look at his life and learn about himself. I'll give him credit for being gracious, if not graceful.
We now get the tricky and effects-laden foot-cam and night vision-cam at once. They're really pulling out all the stops. Tina tells us that leaving Tribal Council usually sparks a wide range of emotions. She says that Mad Dog's departure was "a sad day at the Ogakor camp," and she still doesn't tell us what her so-called "promise" was. She then says that voting Elisabeth off was "awkward" because they really loved her. She also says, with a perky lilt in her voice, that they've sometimes been happy to vote someone off, and we know she's talking about Jerri. Colby shrieks, "Gol-lee!" Tina tells us that this return to camp was "sheer exhilaration." They discuss how they no longer need to conserve their food and how they can break down the tent. Tina says that she accomplished what she wanted to do by making the final two; she then tells Colby that she can't even comprehend the experience. Then it's Colby's turn to tell us that returning from Tribal Council was the best feeling he's had in forty-two days. Randomly, Tina looks around the camp and asks, "What else can we burn?" She then says, "Poor Bozo the Keith, this was his favorite thing to do." You'd think Bozo the Keith's apparent pyromania would have merited at least one fifteen-minute segment. But no, it's time for more reflection on the part of the S2. Tina says that she doesn't know whether Bozo the Keith would have kept her around if he'd won immunity. Colby thinks that Bozo the Keith wouldn't have kept him around, either. Bozo the Keith would have kept around his new friend Johnny. Colby tells us that his only objective in winning immunity was to keep immunity from Bozo the Keith. As Colby and Tina play backgammon, Colby calls Tina a sore loser and asks when the last time she won something was. Tina mentions the reward challenge, which wasn't the answer Colby was looking for.
And now, it's open season on Bozo the Keith. I guess everybody doesn't love a clown. In an interview, Colby says that Bozo the Keith is the reason he and Tina got so far, and that they'd tried "every way possible" to figure out how to vote Bozo the Keith off instead of Rodger. He says that you sometimes have to keep people around even though you don't want to. Tina then tells us that Bozo the Keith couldn't have gotten to the final three on his own. She says that they they've pulled him along because they needed a third, and that they've "kept Bozo the Keith around for [only] that reason." At camp, Colby says that Bozo the Keith got them where they needed to be, and that the best part was that he didn't win a million dollars. Colby says, "No matter what happens, Bozo the Keith Famie didn't win a million bucks." We then hear evil cackling, and I try to figure out where Jerri's hiding. Colby tells us that Bozo the Keith didn't deserve a place in the final two. Not finished with making Bozo the Keith feel like crap, Tina starts guilt-tripping Colby. She says that she's always had a minimum-wage job, except when she was a flight attendant. Oh, how I can picture that. In the background we see that "Tina loves Dale" is etched on something. She goes on to say she's never felt like a contributing factor in her household, and that she'll be happy to contribute when she gets home.
In the morning, the S2 hug and pack up the camp. They may be the castaways, but I'm the one who's dying here. Couldn't they have injected some excitement into this? There's been about two viably interesting minutes out of everything we've seen so far. Colby tells us that it's a great day, and that they've done all they can do regarding how the game plays out. Tina tells us that she feels joy, peace, and closure; she's going to spend the day taking "visual pictures." As opposed to the other, non-visual kind. Suddenly the two of them are perched together on a giant rock and you can't tell me Mark Burnett didn't carry them up there himself. Colby tells us that they are at the highest point visible from their camp, and that this is the appropriate place for them to be. They count kangaroos and Colby says he'll miss "kangaroos running wild." Tina tells us that Colby's actions are "wide open" and that he didn't go on Survivor to make friends. A well-spoken Colby then earnestly tells us that you've got to wear both a white hat and a black hat while playing the game, and that "you've got to switch hats a lot." He concludes, "Hopefully in the end you wore a white hat more of the time than you did a black hat." And I think he did. It's then time for Colby to praise Tina; he says she's played the game artfully and has known the whole time where she was headed.
Together again, Colby tells Tina he's learned to cherish "life's subtleties," but apparently not the subtleties of conversation. Tina calls Colby "pretty heavy." Colby and Tina then agree that the winner will take home the Barramundi flag. Colby's happy as long as he gets his Texas flag back. Tina says it's important for them to break down the camp as a tribute to their experiences there. As opposed to because it's not their property and that's the respectful thing to do. Can you tell I'm getting cranky? Too much repetitive recapping makes Joanna a cranky recapper. Tina tells us that the day they built the shelter was very tough and that taking it down says it was worth it "because look where I am." Colby then tells us that day was Tina's lowest point. Tina interjects, "I was not only physically low, I was mentally pretty low." She says she wondered how many more days she'd have to endure this, and that's funny because I'm wondering right now how many more ways I'll have to endure this. Seriously, I'm going to write Mark Burnett a letter. Because he'll listen to me. Colby tells us that it means so much to win the game because he has invested a great deal in playing -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tina then says that lately she's been wondering whether she went through all the hardships of Survivor to give "somebody like Elisabeth" the million dollars, or whether she deserves it for herself. In an interview, Colby tells us that he's played selfishly, but that he didn't choose Tina out of selfishness. He says if he was one hundred percent selfish he would have chosen to go into the finals with Bozo the Keith, because he's certain he could have won. Meanwhile, he doesn't believe he even has a fifty/fifty shot against Tina. And here I'll say I'm a little tired of people calling Colby dumb. He knew what he was getting into, and he made that choice for himself. You may not have done it, but you didn't get that far in the first place. I think it was kind of noble. Even if it was kind of stupid, and even if Tina sucks.
Tina and Colby are still. Packing. Up. Colby puts on his Texas flagdana. As they buckle up their matching burlap sacks, Tina says, "You'll never walk this road again." They hug for the sixty-fifth time this episode, thank each other, and conclude that it's been unbelievable. They then compare their torches. I think they're trying to figure out which is which. Colby says, "Rock and roll. Make tracks. Don't look back." Sad music as we look back at the abandoned camp. Suddenly -- a light to guide us through the darkness -- Rodger is telling us in an interview that he will shake the winner's hand, because he knows it's not an easy game. He looks very clean-shaven and young. Well, younger. He's apparently borrowed Elisabeth's high horse for this interview and says he hopes the winner played the game as morally and ethically as possible. He says that he hasn't yet made up his mind regarding who he's going to vote for. Alicia tells us that it all comes down to just one night, and that she has her questions lined up. She thinks that the night will prove who's still on his toes. Lamber tells us that she hates the feeling of giving away the million dollars because she wants it for herself. ["I suspect that Amber doesn't fully understand how the game works." -- Wing Chun] Bozo the Keith tells us that the night's a big deal. He says that Colby is strong, competitive, and athletic, but that Tina has proven that an individual doesn't have to be the strongest to succeed.. He says, "There's one that didn't win anything, and there's one that won almost everything," and that shows how important it is not to give up. Nick tells us that the hardest part of the game is knowing who is genuine. Colby is smarter than Nick first thought, but he's learned that Tina is "more of a mastermind." Evil Jerri rubs her hands together gleefully and twirls her handlebar mustache when she says, "I'm in a position of power again. And I like it!" She's ready to vote, because Tina and Colby backstabbed her and she wants to force them to "look into what they became in this game vs. who they claim to be in their real lives." Elisabeth tells us that she's surprised Colby didn't pick Bozo the Keith, because Colby would "have a much cleaner shot at it" if he had. She then says, "Do I think the best person can win? I think there's always that possibly. Will the best person win? Well, that's in the hands of a bunch of people who think they are the best one." And as much as I wish Elisabeth would get a new ride, I think she's dead-on.
At Tribal Council Elisabeth leads in the lynch mob. Peachy points out everything they've been through and cites Colby and Tina's position in the finals as evidence that they've "mastered human relationships." He then rambles on some more about the importance of the jury. There's a format for this last Tribal Council: the finalists each get to give "opening comments," which are followed by questions from the jury; finally, the finalists are allowed "closing comments." Peachy makes sure the jury hasn't exchanged information on their voting inclinations. They haven't.
Much as I thought all of Tina's past Tribal Council voting comments were rehearsed, so seems this. She talks about how strategy played a big part in her game. She says she's not going to tell them why they should vote for her, but she hopes they don't base their votes on "that you got your feelings hurt." She says it's "poor sportsmanship," and that the vote will prove nothing except "that you got your feelings hurt." Hee. She says it's been a joy to play the game and that that she's going home to her wonderful kids and a husband who "treats [her] like a princess." She says that's worth more than a million dollars, which is easy for her to say. She wishes the same for the members of the jury, but I'm sure Rodger doesn't want a husband who treats him like a princess. Maybe Jeff would. Colby looks dazed in his opening speech as he does, I think, throughout the entire council. He says he doesn't know that he deserve to win over anyone else. He says, "You've got to be a jack of all trades and not necessarily a master of any." He says he hasn't been better than Tina, but that he's done "pretty good." If I were in a courtroom of any sort, I would not want Colby to be my counsel. ["Funny, because all of us watching at my place likened Colby to Matlock." -- Wing Chun] We go to commercial with both Tina and Colby praying.
And finally, the show picks up. Rodger goes first and says he knows it's a big night for them. He wants to know when they've not been truthful or ethical; he then tries to soften up the question by explaining that he knows such acts of deceit are part of the game. Tina acts surprised and then says she didn't tell the truth when a fellow S16 who was up in the voting order would approach her about who was to go. She uses Lamber as an example, and makes an even stronger case for the nickname when she reveal that Lamber would approach them just before every Tribal Council and say, "Okay. Who're we voting for?" Tina says that a "strategic mind" is needed, and that, by her definition she's played ethically within the context of the game. Colby cites the time he told Jerri that he, she, and Lamber were going to the final three together. He concludes, "If being dishonest makes me less ethical, then maybe I had a struggle with ethics on this thing."
Lamber's question is , and of course it's a boring one: she wants to know what three things got them where they are, and in what three ways they would spend the million. Colby answers that resistance to mentally checking out, water, and taking time out to enjoy the experience got him to the end. He says he'll buy a Harley, pay off his dad's office building without his dad's knowing about it, and financially take care of his mom. Tina says that strategy, Colby, and "heart slash God" got her to the end. She plans to pay off her house, pay off her best friend's house, and start a charity using Elisabeth's idea, which involves a family in need living off the interest from her bank account. ["She clearly has no idea how interest works, because...check it out. After taxes, she'll probably end up with about $475,000. I don't know what houses cost in Tennessee, but after she pays off her house and her friend's house, she's probably looking at around $100,000. Assuming an interest rate of about 6.75% (let's say), that gives the family in need, like, seven grand. Which is not enough to live on where I come from." -- Wing Chun]
Elisabeth asks my favorite question: she wants to know which two of the jury members Colby and Tina would exclude from winning $1 million, but they can't give any reasons why. Tina says Jerri and Rodger. Colby says Jerri and Bozo the Keith.
Bozo the Keith then wants to know when politics and manipulation came into play during the game. He has a hard time saying the word "manipulation" even though he definitely memorized and recited this little speech. Colby says that when he and Tina decided to vote Mitchell off, they manipulated the game. Tina agrees with Colby and says that if they'd voted off Bozo the Keith, the team would have gotten weaker. She says that he could call it manipulation, but that she prefers to call it strategy.
Alicia is , and she actually congratulates them. She wants to know their most and least proud moments. Tina is most proud of the role she's played in the Outback. She says she's done some things as a tribe member that were "extremely giving," and cites letting Bozo the Keith win immunity in the "A Peg to Stand On" challenge. She doesn't mention, however, how that move helped her, too. Tina says that her least proud moment was during every Tribal Council. She tells the jury that she never felt good about voting someone off, but earlier she told us the opposite. Colby says that his least proud moment happened today when he realized how little respect he's shown for the land. Imagine how much less proud he was when he found out he was getting sued for stealing from one of the world's treasures. He then says that his most proud moment was winning the water bucket challenge because he came from behind to win.
Nick also congratulates the S2; he says he has respect from them. He then says that had it not been for a "very unfortunate accident," neither Colby nor Tina would be in the finals. He wants to know who they think would have made the final two if Mike hadn't fallen into the fire. Colby says Nick and Mike. Tina can't answer because she didn't know Kucha's group dynamics. She says Mike, but can't suggest another name.
Then Jerri stands up, and Colby looks scared. Jerri lays into them about broken promises and manipulation. She says she's going to allow them to clear their consciences, and then asks them to apologize to "another person." Tina looks Jerri right in the face and says she feels worst about going along with the beef jerky incident. She says that "someone" wanted to go through Kel's backpack, and that being part of that act is her one regret. Jerri tries to smile through this. ["At our place, everyone was like, 'Burn!'" -- Wing Chun] Colby feels guilty about Rodger and Elisabeth; he wishes the game could have been played differently. He also mentions Alicia; he says it was cowardly to vote her off only because she was a "physical threat." He has guilt but not regrets; I think Colby needs some counseling -- he seems to be taking all of this excessively to heart. Jerri stands there, still waiting for an apology, and Colby just stares her down. I think they saved Jerri for last, hoping for a rats and snakes kind of diatribe; she couldn't even give us that. Colby then says that he respectfully has no closing comments. Tina compares the game to backgammon. She says that covering your men is the strategy in playing backgammon, and that it's also the strategy in playing Survivor. She says that there was never anything personal, there was only a strategy. And I think that's the truth.
Peachy makes sure that the jury (Bozo the Keith) knows that it's a different voting process this week: they are to vote for the winner. Tina grabs for Colby's hand, and he grabs for her knee.
Rodger votes for Colby. He likes them both, but thinks that Colby played harder. Elisabeth is , and it looks like she draws a "C" for her first stroke. Alicia votes for Tina and says that she'd "gravitate" to Colby in "the game of life," but that Tina is more deserving in the game of Survivor because she made the finals through strategy, not sheer strength. Alicia concludes, "She's a smart woman and I think she deserves it." Lamber snarks, "Tina, you've come forty-two days; you haven't received a vote yet. But you won't be receiving your first vote from me." She votes for Colby because he was more straightforward with her. Jerri tells us that it's been clear from the beginning that Tina was the mastermind, and that her greatest accomplishment was getting Colby to pick her over Bozo the Keith for the finals. Jerri "can't help" having respect for Tina. That's all we see of the voting. Peachy retrieves the vote urn and says, "I know you've waited a long time for this moment and you're gonna wait a little longer..." He then self-importantly clutches the urn to his chest and runs for the helicopter.
And suddenly we're live in Los Angeles and there's a live "band" performing the theme to Survivor. Whoever got one of those chanting gigs seriously needs to fire her agent. On the CBS soundstage, they've recreated the Survivorset...or else they've filmed the entire season here, which would be no big surprise. The camera pans over to Cheri Oteri and Will Ferrell pretending to be Colby and Tina. But wait...that really is Colby and Tina! We see that they're watching the end of the last episode. Then it's time for Peachycam; he's sitting, alert, in the helicopter. I suppose that's a didgeridoo the guy is playing -- the very long thing that Mad Dog plays later in the reunion special? ["Yep." -- Wing Chun] Tina looks as though Colby's mom and her makeup helped her out with a little cosmetics lesson. Colby looks like his mom and her makeup helped him out with more than a little home cooking. Everyone in the audience cheers as the helicopter becomes visible around the side of the building; it then lands on a Survivor helipad. Peachy alights from the helicopter and scurries seriously past the security man who opens the door for him. Peachy's too important these days to open his own doors.
Peachy crosses the fake bridge to the fake Tribal Council set while people hoot and cheer at his arrival. We then pan over to the jury and see that they've been forced to wear the same clothes they wore when they voted. I would have burned those clothes by now. ["Or at least sold them on eBay." -- Wing Chun] Peachy says that they're a "far cry" from the Outback, and that it was "truly an organic nature." He says that they now inhabit a "new and yet authentic Survivor world." At this point, I was going so crazy over the poor dialogue that my husband felt the need to point out that it's probably scripted by someone other than Peachy. I don't care -- it's just so bad. Peachy's "gotta ask" what Colby and Tina are thinking. Colby says that it's his first breath in two hours. Jerri cackles loudly -- her breath-binding spell apparently worked. Peachy says that Tina was "close to the chest" while they were in the Outback, and that he wants to know how she feels now. Tina feels emotional. Peachy says he loves Survivor because it's an easy paycheck and sixteen people to boss around. Okay, he doesn't say that. He says he loves Survivor because ultimately all the players reveal exactly what they think of each other. He says they eventually "gain some new insights into [their] own self-perception." Peachy then tries to head off criticism over the delayed vote by claiming that without it, the S2 would never have had the chance for a full perspective. Peachy asks whether they have regrets. Tina says that she did what she could to get there, and that the rest was luck. Colby, having just watched the voting, jokes that he wasn't shocked to lose Jerri's vote, but that he was surprised by Alicia's. He laughs and says, "Let's get it on, man. I'm excited." But Peachy's not ready to give up the spotlight yet. He says he senses a "true camaraderie" between Colby and Tina; they agree that it's incredible as they grope for each other's hands and knees. Colby then starts talking about how unpredictable the winner is, because of the ever-changing group dynamics. He says that winning challenges means nothing when you're sitting before the jury. Peachy makes the jury promise for the second time that they haven't revealed their votes to each other. Peachy then mentions the prizes again. Colby might get a mate for his Aztek; the winner also receives a million dollars and the Barramundi flag, which Peachy claims "still has just enough aroma that it will take you right back there." Peachy pronounces that the "most coveted thing" will be the winner's title, which is bunk. He then finally reinforces for Tina and Colby that they want their name read in this vote, while Tina and Colby keep looking at each other and laughing.
And now, the didgeridoo roll...Peachy says, "This is good!" as he digs into the urn. The first two votes are for Tina. In standard Survivor format, that would mean she loses. But this is "special" Survivor format, so it's up in the air. The two votes are for Colby. Tina is very giggly. Colby gets a third vote and Peachy tells him he'll win with one more vote. Tina gets the vote and everyone laughs for some reason. Tina says, "Told you!" to Colby. So now they're tied and Peachy thinks it "doesn't get any better than this." Tina covers her face and makes sobbing noises while Colby kisses her. Peachy holds up a card with Tina's name on it. Colby reacts as though he'd won, which is nice to see. Tina's kids hug each other and start mentally spending the money. Peachy hands her the flag and invites the jury over to congratulate her. Everyone hugs everyone. Jerri has on some very tight pants. In the background, Peachy attempts to put out Colby's torch, which refuses to be extinguished because it doesn't understand how it could lose after winning so many challenges.
And suddenly, Bryant "He Ain't Humble" Gumbel appear and smugly tells us, "Well, the tribe has spoken, but in many ways the surprises are just beginning." ["Not. Also, I was the only one in the room who totally called it that Tina would win." -- Wing Chun] "We'll get some answers" when the Survivor reunion resumes Look out for the recap -- in which Joanna unsuccessfully tries to come up with further funny names for our host -- later this week.