Peachy strolls onto the set -- because I think at this point we can safely assume that this is Los Angeles and not Australia, if it ever actually was Australia in the first place -- in his “I’m a city slicker now” blazer and “I take my fashion cues from Regis” gray shirt. He announces that the game is over but the lives of its competitors have changed forever. We’re going “inside the homes and hearts of sixteen ordinary people now living extraordinary lives.” A clip of Tina tells us it’s not just children who have dreams; adults have them too. Thanks for that, Tina. I now feel freed to pursue my long-time dream of becoming a ballerina. Peachy then announces that some of the S16 found love, and we cut to a clip of Elisabeth and her now-fiancé mugging for the camera. Peachy then says we’ll also learn who didn’t find love, as Jerri says of Colby in a clip, “Knowing him now, I’d have to say no way in hell.” We’ll also, according to Peachy, learn who is searching for answers, and Michael’s burnt hands tell us they wonder why God would do something like that to them. Finally, we’ll see who is searching for peace while working as a corrections officer. Peachy adds that we’ll get some “surprising spin” from last year’s Survivors, and I guess that’s supposed to include Jenna’s confession that she is in love with Colby. She’s in the demographic -- of course she’s in love with him.
Peachy tells us that every player has a different take on their Outback experience, and we’ll first look at two who “want to set the record straight.” He tells us that the first wants to put it all behind her, while the other is “just lovin’ life and livin’ like mad.” A large road sign reads, “Welcome to Wakefield: Home of Maralyn Mad Dog Hershey Survivor II.” We see a charming country house with a green Survivor flag out front. Inside, the phone rings and Maralyn’s gravelly voice drawls, “I’m probably Outback. But I’ll be happy to koala you later.” If this was any of the other S16 -- say, Mitchell or Bozo the Keith -- this outgoing message would be extremely grating, but with Mad Dog it’s just added charm. The camera pans over all of her Survivor paraphernalia, and then finally we see a red-shoed Maralyn playing her didgeridoo. She then runs with a goat. In a voice-over, she tells us that she’s the “same old Mad Dog” and “nothing’s really changed.” Kooky music plays in the background as we see a quick shot of Pimpin’ Mad Dog in a red hat and fur coat, creeping around her porch with a devilish look on her face. She tells us she went from being “your average street cop to the Outback on the number-one show on America.” Why is it that I don’t think many people have been inclined to describe Mad Dog as “average”? In any case, she thinks it’s bizarre to have gone through the Survivor experience, but insists that she’s still the same. She still has to muck out her “own donkey stall,” which we see her gleefully doing. Pimpin’ Mad Dog is back and standing on the porch; she holds up her blue granny bathing suit and says, “This was then…” We then cut to a shot of her sister, who says she’s a changed Mad Dog, so I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks. Pimpin’ Mad Dog finishes with a “…this is now” and opens her fur coat to reveal that she’s wearing a red bikini and red high heels. This would have been a hysterical moment if they hadn’t ruined it by showing it in last week’s promo. Maralyn’s sister than tells us she’s now “very much out there.” Pimpin’ Mad Dog tells us she’s lost a total of twenty pounds -- it looks like more than that to me -- and has two tattoos, including a kangaroo and a “wrap-around crocodile” on her bicep. Inside the house, she tells us in a black-lit room that she returned from the Outback with a tan, but once it started to fade she decided “to heck with it; I wanna make my own tan.” Suddenly she’s in the sun bed, singing that “all the world is 'round the corner, watching us everywhere.” In a clothed confessional, she tells us that surviving Survivor and not allowing it to consume her identity may be the greatest challenge. I don’t imagine that Maralyn’s identity is that easily taken over. From the sun bed she sings, “Hey, Hef! I might shed it all!” Hee. Then there’s some standard blah blah-bage about life being short and living and loving like each day’s the last.
We are now in Berlin, New Hampshire, home of Debb “Don’t hate me because I have sex with my son-in-law” Eaton. As she checks doors in the prison where she works, she tells us that all the prisoners have “color televisions and cable.” Hey -- I don’t even have cable! Your tax dollars at work, people. Anyway, Debb tells us there are 340 prisoners, and they all know everything about her. She says they know more about her than her own mother does, which must be very little, since Debb was only around for one episode. She tells us that she never knows what she’s “going to get bombarded with” when she begins her work day. Life after Survivor, according to Debb, isn’t always a bed of roses. Now Debb stands outside the door to the prison and tells us to just wait a second and see what we can hear. She throws open the prison doors and begins goading the up-until-now-quiet prisoners with, “What do you think, of me and Survivor?” Survivor or not, I don’t think this kind of act prompts positive responses. I wouldn’t walk into a prison and yell, “What do you think of me?” One prisoner apathetically tells Debb to go fuck herself; another mumbles something about her being a freak. Debb says, “What am I sayin’?” as if she just proved something to us, but I can’t figure out what, since the two prisoners who could even bother to respond said not a word about Survivor even when directly asked. Debb tells us the whole country hated her guts when she got voted off first, and that she wasn’t ready for that. She was in love with her husband for twenty years before he died, and falling in love with his son was the best thing that ever happened to her. She says she’s happiest with him and the dogs and the birds. We then see lots of happy shots of Debb and her son-in-law and the dogs and the birds hugging each other on the porch and in a bar. Bob Eaton tell us he was happy for Debb when Survivor started, but he wanted to just stay out of it and that wasn’t allowed to happen. Debb blames “someone at The National Enquirer” who saw that her last name matched the last name of her boyfriend and did some investigative journalism. She says it might have been naïve on her part to expect the public to be intelligent and understanding enough to listen to the circumstances before convening a “witch hunt.” She’s sad that people like to kick others when they’re down, which seems to me to be her chosen paid profession. She then repeats, “They’re kickin’ ya when you’re down!” with great angst in her voice. This is followed by lots of pensive sad-looking Debb shots. She tells us that Survivor has been a double-edged sword and hasn’t been worth the after-effects. She wouldn’t do it all over again, and “that’s all.”
Fort Hood, Texas. A very bitter Kel tells us that every time he hears Jerri’s name it’s like nails down a chalkboard. As he does a screechy imitation, we see Jerri beating her bongos. Hearing Jerri’s name drives Kel crazy -- we get it. Kel tell us he was relieved when he was voted off, and the army accepted him back with open arms. We then see Kel exiting a building, and three of his steps are sped up through editing, which was a strange decision on the part of the production crew and makes Kel look silly and self-important, which may have been the desired effect. Kel tells us that, as a member of a “intelligence community” where everything is based on integrity, he wouldn’t compromise his top-secret clearance for beef jerky. There are lots of trinkets on the counter in front of Kel during this interview. A disappointed Mad Dog snippet announces that there wasn’t any beef jerky. Kel says he’s been approached by several beef jerky companies to do commercials for them; these advertisements would surely help Kel maintain his great integrity. I can just see him dressed like a Slim Jim, yelling his head off in the digestive tract of some poor misguided jerky-eating shlub. He’s excited to have the possibility of making money off of Jerri’s lies; he thinks it’s sweet revenge. Jerri’s on The Young and the Restless, and Kel is busting through a paper wall and urging people to “Slip into a Slim Jim!” or whatever that bearded guy in the red long johns screams. I wouldn’t call that a fair trade. Kel tells us there was a huge dartboard of Jerri in his workplace, and the other soldiers were very angry and “hammering” the picture of Jerri. He says he had to replace the photo several times, but he’s now working on the construction of a top-secret, high-flying dirigible so he can climb aboard and get over it.
We cut to some shots lifted from the intro to and a super-close up of Jerri saying, “I am a very kind, honest, straightforward, creative, artistic, vulnerable person,” followed immediately by Colby announcing, “Jerri is a bitch.” He thinks she’ll be laughing all the way to the bank, and so do a lot of other people, but I’m really not sure. Jerri tells us she was just “being [her]self” and “confronted people when they needed to be confronted.” She says she was the person people loved to hate, but she wanted to be liked. It saddened her to see how evil people can be, and she includes herself as one of the evildoers. When she returned to L.A., she was sad that she couldn’t call anyone to comfort her because they wouldn’t understand. She tells us it was the loneliest experience of her life. Jerri then says she’d been struggling for a while before Survivor and suffered from “bartender burn-out.” We see Jerri making drinks and cracking ice. We then cut to an acting clip of Jerri (looking very much like Stayfree Stillman), saying she doesn’t “wont” to change her mind. A montage of Jerri's “acting” follows, but mostly they’re just still shots and clips of her flouncing around on a stage in tight clothes. Jerri tells us that acting is her lifelong dream, and her dad used to ask her what she’d fall back on and she always said she wasn’t going to fall. I guess she didn’t anticipate Colby and the obstacle course challenge. She opens her one piece of supportive fan mail and says she is happy that some people understand her. I pause the VCR here and look very closely at the letter; it’s signed, “Love, Lamber and Mitchell.” Jerri claims that “they don’t all think I’m horrible.” She then tells us that the major post-Survivor difference in her life is that her appointment book is now full. She doesn’t say she’ll be doing the cackling on several Halloween sound-effect CDs. We then see Jerri going through scenes on The Young and the Restless; some guy snaps the clapboard and makes a crazy face. Jerri tells us that failure is her biggest fear; I’d make some crack here about that being funny because Jerri is my biggest fear, but that’s an awfully Kel thing to say.
Peachy tells us that, when we come back from commercial, we’ll visit with a guy who took “his whole town on an adventure.” This is followed by a clip of a little girl who’s very excited to have “a famous guy” on her shirt. We’ll also learn what the S16 really think of each other. But first, Talking Rudy Doll tells us that “them people hadda be pretty dumb to build their camp in a river bed.” He says they blamed the elements for their struggles, but he blames their “dumbness.” Talking Rudy Doll, people. He’ll be here all week.
Peachy now sits on a barrel and intros the segment, which consists of the S16 talking about each other. Jeff says Alicia Calloway is “boo-yea booty!” and then cracks up over it. We see a close-up boo-yea booty white-bikini shot. That’s not creepy or anything. Tina calls Jeff “that little devil.” Michael can’t come up with a nice word to say about Jeff, which doesn’t seem very born-again of him. Elisabeth calls Michael “just plain nuts.” Alicia and Kimmi say each other’s name, followed by a shot of boxing kangaroos. Alicia says Kimmi is “not my type of person,” and Kimmi says, “We just don’t see eye to eye,” and blames their different heights. Jerri gets a croc shot, as opposed to the standard spider-spinning-its-web shot. Jeff just says her name a few times, meaning, I think, that he’s lost for words. Bozo the Keith says that he and Jerri are in counseling; Colby doesn’t know where to begin. Jerri says that Colby is a very attractive guy, but “he’s a boy. [She] need[s] a man,” followed by excessive cackling. Kel says Colby reminds him of a “cheesy cowboy,” and Colby can only define Kel with the words “socially inept.” This commentary is accompanied by screeching tire sounds for some reason. Debb shows up and says, “Nick. Was Nick on Survivor?” Bozo the Keith also works the “who’s Nick” riff. Lamber says she loved Maralyn to death; Maralyn calls Lamber the “Mad Pup.” Hee.
Lamber’s segment takes up all of three minutes. From her stuffed-animal-filled bedroom, while petting two cute if possibly recently-deceased dogs, she tells us that being on Survivor is like winning the lottery, except that instead of winning money she’s won the title “Lamber from Survivor.” She says she doesn’t want to spend the money all in one place, and that it’s a huge pressure for her to make the right decisions right now. She cites posing for Playboy as one of those difficult choices. Then her mom shows up and says Lamber’s decisions will make or break her. At first I thought that, in a typical mother-like way, she was suggesting that Lamber not pose, but then she goes all Pretty Baby on us with “there’s always a new face” and “she could be forgotten” as we see shots of a solitary Lamber walking under a Beaver sign. Lamber’s creepy mother continues that “she’s twenty-two now, but soon she’ll be forty.” Lamber wants to take advantage of the situation, but maybe that’s mostly because her mother has already signed the contracts. Lamber swings on a swing and tries to look dreamy.
The nice music plays as we see Rodger sook-sook-sooking his cows in Kentucky. He says that he’s the same person he was before Survivor, and that his cows still look at him the same way. He has a “good wife, nice daughter, nice-son-in-law” and is “well pleased” with living on the farm. Daughter Angela tells us that her dad was reserved before he left for the Outback, and that the show has “opened the doors for showing our feeling[s].” Rodger tells us he has a deeper appreciation for the things at home. Wife Pat guessed that the young ones on the show might see him as a father figure because he loves his daughter so much. Elisabeth then tells us that Rodger made the Outback home for her, and that her dad was so happy that she had “someone like that by [her] side.” Rodger says that going on Survivor was never about the money for him -- he wanted to see how he’d do in a survival situation. We then see different shots of Rodger as he struggled through physical challenges in the Outback. His daughter tells us that the cliff-jumping challenge was upsetting for the family because Rodger couldn’t swim and had back trouble. Jeff says he realized “that’s what it’s all about” when Rodger jumped off the cliff. Rodger’s daughter tells us that the experience has been a ride for the family and for their community. The little red-headed girl shows up and says, “This little town -- it wasn’t popular, but when he was on Survivor it made our town like so popular and it’s great! It’s just so awesome because like [sic] I’ve got a famous guy on my shirt, his signature and everything!” Rodger says that he was approached by “a girl” he was in elementary school for an autograph and he was like, “Louise, what do you want with my autograph for? I said, ‘I’ve known you since I’s [sic] six years old!’” Reality television will never find a more endearing character than Rodger Bingham. Certainly not Kelly Wiglesworth, who tells us of Kimmi as we go to commercial that when you “start interfering with people’s food you’re not gonna last too long.”
Peachy welcomes us back and says the players in the group prepared themselves for the Survivor experience by living in New York. Jeff Varner tells us that the show was the most unbelievable and “life-altering” thing he’s experienced. He says he’s lived in New York for seven years and was burned out; he woke up one morning and said his life couldn’t stay that way. He tells us he learned early in his life that going through a difficult thing changes you. Survivor for him wasn’t about winning the money -- although he admits he did try very hard to win it -- but about becoming a different person. Since none of these people are actually playing for the money, why don’t they just change the prize to “a more fulfilled life” or “better relationships with your friends and family”? We then see a montage of Jeff shots, including Jeff retching at Tina during the food wheel challenge, followed by a montage of shots of Jeff in his various media appearances, like Jeff telling Letterman he was voted off “'cause [he] was strong,” which cracks the audience up for some reason. Jeff is surprised and happy that he now has an agent. Jeff now has headphones on in front of a microphone while he fields answers from various radio stations. One of the reporters asks what the deal was between Michael and the pig, and Jeff answers, “He killed it and we ate it.” Another reporter asks if he masturbated on Survivor, and Jeff puts his head in his hands. I think Jeff needs his own talk show.
A little squirrel nibbles on a nut. I’m not sure what this is meant to signify, except that we’re near a park. We then see Alicia in a do-rag and red lipstick; she tells us that she’s not as serious and cutthroat as she appeared on the show. “I will always wave my finger in your face” is shown. Alicia rides a bike; Alicia lifts weights; Alicia Stairmasters. The cameraman seems to be ogling Alicia’s boo-yea booty through the lens while filming her. We learn that Alicia is maintaining her career as a personal trainer while doing various media appearances and photo shoots. We see footage of her presenting at the Sports Emmys and of a photo shoot where she wears a very flattering backless dress. She says she tells her trainees that they can do anything because she stood on a pole for ten hours. Of course, if she offered them $1 million, I’m sure they’d be more inclined to exert themselves too. I do want Alicia to be my trainer; I’m sure a little finger-waving would kick my ass into gear.
We’re now in Long Island, where Kimmi shows us the tulips she planted just before leaving for Survivor. She tells us she loves her 85-year-old grandmother who’s a “riot,” and pals around with her niece who calls her “Aunt Kimmi,” which for some reason that sounds particularly cute. Kimmi tells us that the food challenge was her worst moment in the Outback because “this little one ounce of cow brain was ruining my life.” It sounds like she regrets not eating it, but then explains that it was a personal decision and “[she has] to be able to look in the mirror and move on.” Suddenly Judd “Heightened Sense of Smell” Nelson shows up in Peachy’s place, talking about “Survivor II’s not-so-popular vegetarian.” The background he stands against looks Survivor-esque, and we thought he’d stepped in as some sort of unannounced special guest host until it turns out to be a clip of some animal-rights event at which Kimmi is honored. Judd says that Kimmi “ lost one million dollars but not her conviction,” which makes her sound kind of silly. We see footage of her going onto the stage in a sequined dress, looking very tall. But that might be because her escort is ten years old. Kimmi tells us that the animal-rights community has embraced her since the show. She then says that she’s learned that it doesn’t matter what people think, and it’s not her job to make everyone else happy. She says, “Bottom line: nice and easy, that’s my…that’s what the show taught me.” She and her niece walk like ducks off into the sunset.
Mitchell, who is still very tall, tells us he isn’t lazy or boring. I won’t speak for the lazy people, but generally non-boring people don’t have to insist that they aren’t. He shows us a People with a Survivor story on the cover. He points out his picture, and then a picture of Julia Roberts in the corner of the same page. He says one of his favorite things to do is make Julia Roberts kiss him by folding the page over to touch both pictures together. Julia Roberts, by the way, is now taking heightened security precautions in her L.A. home. Mitchell is bothered because he gets approached a lot by aspiring singers. He says he’s no better off than they are in his career, but they think he has some kind of inside connection. We then see a clip where he’s kind of rude to a blonde woman who walks up to him on the street and insists on singing at him. From what we hear later, she’s better than he is, so maybe he was just jealous. Mitchell tells us that whenever he does appearances, the scariest people wait at the back of the line because they want to have an actual conversation with him. No offense meant to any of you out there, but it seems scary in general to wait in a line at all to see Mitchell. Mitchell tells us he’s planning to take his fifteen minutes as far as he can. We see him in a recording studio, explaining to someone that he wrote a song as soon as he came back from the Outback. I’d originally planned to transcribe the song in its entirety for you here, but couldn’t bring myself to bear on through the first verse. It’s just really bad. Wearing a size XXLong leather jacket and strutting down a city street, Mitchell half-sings/half-talks to the tune of I Will Survive a very Weird Al-esque song about his experiences on Survivor. Now I know why we never actually saw him sing on the show. He uses the Monster Mash singing technique. What we’re seeing, I think, as he goes on is the extremely low-budget video which finishes up with Mitchell in tux and tails. Thankfully, this painful exhibition of lack of talent comes to an end, and my immense embarrassment-by-association comes to a conclusion.
As we go to a commercial, Survivor I cast member Gervase calls Michael a “wack job,” and not for his newfound religion but because he killed the pig. Peachy then announces that a segment on Elisabeth is coming up -- he says that almost everyone loved her, and then we see Jenna from the first season saying that Elisabeth’s crying should have inspired a drinking game. Jenna tells us Elisabeth “annoys the crap out of [her].” That comment would have been much better coming from Talking Rudy Doll.
After the commercial, a torch-surrounded Peachy tells us that you can’t spend weeks in the Outback without developing strong feelings about the various personalities you’re stranded with. This leads to the revelation that the majority of the tribe would least like to be stranded on a desert island with Jerri. I don’t think they needed to take a ballot to learn that. Ironically, Peachy points out, the S16 also voted for Jerri as the Survivor who got the “worst rap.” I don’t think that means anything except that they were confused by the question. Jeff and Mike are the two members of the S16 with whom the others would most like to be stranded. Peachy doesn’t bother to tell us who voted for whom, which is the most fun part.
We’re now onto Mike, who tells us that before he went on Survivor he was all about making money. His wife Peni tells us that “pre-Survivor Mike” was “go go go” and “all about having fun.” How do we get hold of that guy? Michael tells us he started to pray and develop a relationship with God that he never knew before while he was in the Outback. He says the most “significant point of his spiritual journey” was falling into the fire, although he didn’t understand it at the time because he thought he might have won otherwise. Then Michael in a semi-priest uniform stands before a congregation and preaches that “what I’m here to tell you wasn’t about Survivor and it wasn’t about a million dollars and it wasn’t about a TV show and it wasn’t about the healing in my hands. It was about the healing in my heart.” Mike tells us that no one would listen to him before when he was a non-God-fearing nobody, but now he has speaking gigs and uses his Survivor fame to get the message out. we see Mike standing in front of a group of kids and explaining that they’ll make decisions in their lives a lot more critical than winning a million dollars -- it sounds like an anti-drug campaign, but maybe it’s a most appropriate anti-falling-into-fire campaign. Michael’s kids bounce on a trampoline in their backyard, and one of them swings crazily on a rope. I think his kids inherited the crazy gene. Peni says Mike was always a good father and husband, but “he’s more of a centered father now.” He tells us he no longer defines his success by his income but by his relationships with God and family . He then starts preaching to the cameraman about setting priorities.
Nick gets about as much airtime in this special as he did throughout the season. He tells us that the one thing he didn’t want to be called was lazy, which, according to my husband, implies that he’s been called lazy before. Jeff tells us he hates that he “pinned” the lazy rap on Nick, and then Nick tells us he doesn’t know how a Harvard law student/army soldier can be deemed lazy, and Jeff then proclaims that Nick wasn’t lazy. One of Nick’s Harvard law professors says that no one could get through Harvard Law while being lazy. Honestly, I find the whole Harvard shtick kind of offensive. Having attended one and a half Ivy League institutions, and having taught at one of them, I can tell you that there were plenty of lazy people there. Myself included. Nick says he hopes “Survivor” won’t be on his gravestone, but he wouldn’t mind if the gravestone read, “Governor Nick Brown who once got his start on this TV show that was popular,” which would be a mouthful on a gravestone. He says Survivor made him more of a risk taker, but he’s going to remain in law school and maintain a normal life. He says it would be sad if Survivor was the highlight of his life, and I concur.
Smug Elisabeth in Boston tells us that her toughness sneaks up on people, and that she always gives one hundred and ten percent in everything she does, which implies that she thinks everyone else gives less than that. She says that before she left for the Outback, everyone said it would be a major test of her relationships. We then see footage of Rodger giving her the heart-shaped rock for her boyfriend. we meet Tim, Elisabeth’s likeable yet dumb luggish now-fiancé, who tells us that the rock meant a lot to him because she held onto it for so long and through so much. Actually, he says it was “pretty neat.” Elisabeth tells us that if she could have proposed to “that boy” coming off the plane, she would have, and she would have said, “I am marrying you and you are marrying me!” Tim says he’s known for a long time that he wanted to marry Elisabeth, and that there was no one else for him. Elisabeth says that “on his birthday [they] decided [they’d] take one of those unknowns away.” Tim says he wanted to make sure they’d be together forever, which doesn’t seem like the best reason to get married. They then stroll around Boston and reenact the proposal, complete with outstretched arms, ecstatic hugging, and him sliding the ring on her finger. Elisabeth tells us she's the “most blessed girl in the whole world,” which seems insulting to all the other happy girls in the world. We then see Elisabeth and her mother talking about possible wedding dates. Elisabeth wants February because she likes winter weddings, and her mother suggests that April or May might be nice instead. Maybe nice, but not quite winter -- Elisabeth has a long wedding-planning road ahead of her. We see some recycled footage of Elisabeth talking about how strong her mother is. Tim then parallels this by saying that everyone thinks they’re just seeing a “pretty girl with a pretty face” when meeting Elisabeth, but that’s not all there is to her. Elisabeth tells us she feels very loved right now. As we go to commercial, Kelly tells us that Survivor isn’t a nice game.
Peachy props himself up against a torch and tells us that the final three S16 are each dealing with success differently. First we see Bozo the Keith, who is ordering people around in his kitchen. In an interview, a man asks Bozo the Keith if he’ll be making rice, and Bozo the Keith tells him not to “use that four-letter word with me.” Bozo the Keith explains that he went into Survivor playing for the million dollars because he’d declared bankruptcy several years ago. But now he’s discovered that there isn’t enough money in the world for him to do Survivor again -- he wouldn’t do that to his kids. Since finishing the game, he’s realized that it wasn’t about the money at all. We then see a montage of Bozo the Keith playing with his kids. Bozo the Keith tells us he was adopted -- which seems like a coincidence, because I’m sure I read somewhere that Tina was adopted too -- and acts as his father’s custodial guardian now because he has Alzheimer’s. He says his father can’t remember anything from day to day, which might be a good thing, because he can’t remember all the crappy things people said about Bozo the Keith during the show. We then see Bozo the Keith ask his father if he took his medicine, and his dad says, “What medicine?” But it sounds like his father is kidding, even we’re supposed to think he really cannot remember that he’s medicated. Bozo the Keith tells us he’s just a big kid trapped in a 41-year-old body. We then see Bozo the Keith motorcycling, boxing, and heavy-breathing in general; he says he loves playing tennis, but we don’t see that. He says that “chefs by nature are physical people; we touch, we feel, we smell.” And for all the criticism he took in the Outback, no one complained about the odor. Bozo the Keith says he takes ingredients and produces food that is “edible and delicious.” As opposed to the inedible and non-delicious kind. Bozo the Keith and his girlfriend dorkily dance on a boat. He says Katrin (because now we know that’s how it’s spelled) never saw the proposal coming. A Valerie Bertinelli-resembling Katrin busts on the proposal by saying that most people like to see the face of the person proposing to them during the proposal. Katrin then insists, “I think we’re gonna be okay. I really really love him,” but she doesn’t sound convinced. Bozo the Keith tells us he’s writing a book, Yes, I Can Cook Rice, and that he owes that to Jerri.
We find out that Colby was living in West Texas and planning to leave before he went on Survivor. He tells us that his mom and her make-up reminded him that he’d be playing a game with strangers while in the Outback. Colby tells us Australia reminded him of West Texas, except for the kangaroos -- he says he doesn’t see many of those in West Texas. We then find out that his mom and her make-up also reminded him that he’d be returning to the company of people who loved him regardless of how he behaved while on the show, which sounds like a surreptitious way of advocating bad behavior. Colby and a bunch of equally smiley other people who resemble Colby play pool. Colby then tells us that getting on a television show was the easiest way to know who his friends were: the people who recognize he’s still “the same dork” he was in college. Colby’s mom and her make-up say that everyone who knows Colby also knew he wouldn’t lead an ordinary life. She says that “ever since his first tricycle” Colby “wanted to go as fast as possible.” Colby tells us that he’s not thinking in terms of the future but instead of the day-to-day. He doesn’t even have any goals.
And now onto the moment I’ve been unreasonably dreading: Tina. And it’s weird, because she never bothered me all that much until she won the million, and now everything about her drives me crazy. Tina tells us her first emotion was shock, followed by disbelief, joy, and finally pride. She’s happy that an older woman could win the game. If she really wanted an older woman to win, then she shouldn’t have ganged up on Mad Dog. We see various shots of Tina with admiring fans and paparazzi. And then -- I guess to clue us in to the fact that we’re now in Knoxville -- we see shots of a Darryl’s and an IHOP. Tina tells us that she knew it was a popular show, but that she didn’t expect fame to such a large degree. I could believe that had she been on the first season, but after last year’s Richard Hatch overload, she really should have been prepared for this. In any case, she’s upset that she has to now look decent when she leaves the house because someone is bound to want to take her picture. She’s surprised that so many people actually travel with cameras. In an AA-like segment, Tina’s husband Dale proclaims, “I’m Tina’s husband and I am very famous now.” He’s another contender for the Survivor II-related-persona-most-likely-to-win-the-Forrest Gump-impersonator contest. He says people are excited to talk to him until Tina shows up, and then he becomes the invisible man. When people approach Tina for her picture, he tries to be in it too, but they usually don’t let him. I think Dale should be on season’s Survivor. Tina’s son says that his mother now has “nice pants” and a “good nice shirt.” He says she always dresses up now, but that the family used to be just “Tennessee hillbillies.” Her daughter, sounding remarkably like Tina, says that all the kids want to be her “bayest frayend” now. Really, this family needs their own television show. We then see Tina and her family praying around a picnic table. Tina tells us that “God and family and friends” are still the most important things in her life. She goes on to say that she has two sides: the good wife and good mother, and also the side who “loves to hang out with the motorcycle gang.” She says a lot of people see her independent motorcycling and Survivor participation to be negligent of her kids, but she thinks adults should be allowed to have their dreams too. Tina also rides a unicycle; she must have learned that trick from Bozo the Keith. The whole Wesson family then heads off to dinner. At the Outback Steakhouse. Where they pretend to be surprised to get noticed. Dale tells us they eat facing the wall at restaurants, but they still get noticed. I think if my family entered a restaurant and insisted on eating while facing the wall, we’d get a lot more attention than we otherwise would. Dale tells us the food gets cold because Tina’s so busy signing autographs, so they’ve begun to order salads. I don’t think he’s kidding when he says this. Tina thinks her presence is particularly exciting because Knoxville is such a small town; she says she’s excited to see herself every morning when she looks in the mirror. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but it’s where she’s headed. Dale tells us they went on a cruise during spring break and thought Tina would be unrecognizable -- considering that the show began airing at the end of January, that seems like an unlikely conjecture. It’s hard, after all, to stay out of the public eye when your face is plastered all over televisions, newspapers, and magazines across the continent and beyond. We then see a picture of Tina and a bunch of fellow cruisers. Tina must have liked Elisabeth’s pink bikini an awful lot, since she ran out and got herself one of her very own. Seriously, she’s wearing Elisabeth’s pink bikini in this picture. Tina wraps it up by saying she knows she’s been given an incredible opportunity. We then see a shot of a make-a-wish-dandelion stem, followed by a dog’s howl intermingled with the Survivor wailing, which brings us to credits.
After the credits, Peachy shows us the same preview for season’s Africa Survivor that we saw in the reunion special. It’s not any more exciting the second time around. Peachy then says he’ll see us in the fall, and we here at MBTV hope to see all of you in the fall as well!