Survivor S02E14

Without a Peachy in sight, we return from the chaos surrounding Tina's win and Colby's bizarre excitement to Bryant "I'm Arrogant" Gumbel sitting on the million-dollar set and disrespectfully announcing the S16. Tina tee-hees and giggles with her hands in her lap when he says her name. Both she and Colby are spared any pithy identifying descriptions. The others are not so lucky. Bryant Gumbel calls Bozo the Keith "the Outback's resident chef." He moves onto the "ever so sweet Elisabeth" and "her buddy Rodger." He can't come up with anything remarkable about Lamber except that she's young; Nick is touted for his Harvard-law-student status. As the sequel to The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Controversial Jerri Mathey is coming to a theatre near you. Alicia is "oh so buff" and Jeff is a cheerleader, which doesn't look like his description of choice. Michael is, of course, "burn victim," and it must have been a real toss-up between that and "pig killer." Kimmi's a vegetarian and Mitchell's a "seven-footer." A good-looking seven-footer too; he's working the whole Wesley Windham Price look. Bryant knows better than to try to improve upon Mad Dog for Maralyn, and Kel's just a Captain. He concludes, "The first to go Debb Eaton." Except it sounds like he just says "Debbie," which would be very odd. In any case, Debbie looks all twisty-faced and nervous.

Tina -- whether that really is Tina will not be debated here -- says she never even thought about the "voting caucus" and she keeps saying she "never believed it." I think she means to say she didn't think she'd win. I find that difficult to believe. So does Bryant. Tina explains for the bazillionth time that she and Colby felt liked they'd won when they got to the final two. Bryant still doesn't believe her and says they're talking about a difference of "considerable jack" between the title of "Sole Survivor" and runner-up. And it has been recently pointed out to me that the bane of my existence Michael Bolton song was really "Sole Provider." I should have known that because it's the song Emily lost her virginity to with Greg (Paul Johansson, who went on to play KEG man and Kelly-suitor John Sears) in the limo on Santa Barbara. Because that's not pathetic or anything. Anyway, after Bryant says "considerable jack," Colby says, "Nine hundred thousand" which makes everyone laugh before Bryant tries to be funny and adds, "But who's counting?" Tina says she would have done it for free, which seems even more unbelievable to me than anything else she's said. I continue to think that Colby's in some kind of valium-induced haze throughout this segment. Bryant asks him why he made such a "magnanimous gesture," and Colby gets confused; he thought Bryant was asking about some other magnanimous gesture. Like when he let someone else win the immunity challenge for once. Oh wait, that never happened. Colby says he's put a lot of thought into coming up with something intelligent to say because he knew he'd be asked that very question. Obviously he didn't come up with anything good, because he fumbles around the question for a while and then explains that "the game changes." I don't even think he knows why he picked Tina. In any case, he says that when he and Tina started becoming close, they decided to play their own game. I don't think that if Tina had won immunity, she would have chosen Colby to go into the finals with her, but we'll never know. Colby states again that making the final two was a victory for them, in case we didn't get it the first sixty-three and a half times. As Colby tells us that he didn't lose a night's sleep over choosing Tina, the camera pans to a curious-looking Bozo the Keith. Maybe Colby ate some beans and stew last night, because he just can't stop running on. He says that Tina deserved to win and that's "the beauty of the game." In the end, according to Colby, winning challenges didn't matter, nor did it matter how many "beans of stew [he] ate all the time." He says that people can't understand the experience, and that he doesn't expect them to.

Bryant then asks Bozo the Keith whether he was shocked when Colby selected Tina, and Bozo the Keith tells us that the last five days of the game were "enlightening for [him], just from a life standpoint." He says that the game wasn't about the money, and that he told the "two very important people in [his] life" that he did the best he could do. He then realizes that he should have at least three very important people in his life, and amends the group to include his fiance. He also says he told his mom -- obviously not one of the two or even three most important people in his life -- the same thing. Bryant "Thrill of the Hunt" Gumbel can't let this go so easily, and tries to goad Bozo the Keith into some bitter comments by asking what he thinks of Colby giving up the prize just to prevent Bozo the Keith from winning it. Bozo the Keith jokingly says, "Well, call Colby a fool, then!" He goes on to say that he would have chosen Tina too, knowing she would have beaten him. But it was a no-win situation for Bozo the Keith, because he had to know that Colby would have beaten him, too. Bozo the Keith tells Bryant that the game was about building relationships; he says that Tina earned the win. Bryant still doesn't get the reaction he's looking for, and repeats all the mean stuff Tina and Colby said about Bozo the Keith after they kicked him off. Bozo the Keith admits, "That stuff hurt!" but says he took it in the "scope of the game."

Bozo the Keith wants to talk some more, but Bryant gets bored and moves on. He wants to know which of the four jury members voted for Tina: it was Jerri, Bozo the Keith, Alicia, and Elisabeth. Alicia sounds surprised that Elisabeth didn't vote for Colby. Looking very lovely, Alicia says she's impressed that Tina made it through the end without winning any challenges. This suggests that Alicia penalized Colby because he did win challenges, but she denies it. I think maybe she did...just a little, but that's her prerogative. She does what she wants to do. It's her prerogative. Me and you. Anyway, Alicia continues that Tina won through strategy and "had to be doing something right." Elisabeth -- who received some eyeliner application help from Colby's mom and her makeup -- says that the vote was very hard, because she'd developed respect and love for the others "as people." As opposed to what they really are. She says that Colby's "potential is outstanding," which sounds like she's saying that Tina doesn't have any potential, but that's not what she means. Basically, Elisabeth voted the way she did because Tina planned to donate the interest earned on her winnings (previously determined by Wing to be laughable) to a family in need. Elisabeth would like that idea...since she came up with it. Elisabeth does not endear herself to me here. Or ever, lately. She saddles up the horse, which is getting really tired by now, and says, "As we all know I'm an emotional person," and rolls her eyes. She spurs the horse and continues, "Guess how I voted. By my heart." Like all the others voted by their sphincter muscles. Bryant asks Nick why he voted for Colby, and he says that "outside the context of the game," Colby tried to get to know him. John Harvard rolls over in his grave when Nick says that he and Colby had "conversated." Bryant asks whether Colby's comment--that had it not been for Mike's accident, Nick would have made the final two -- influenced his vote, and Nick says it might have, and laughs it off. Lamber says that Tina and Colby both gave "great answers," to her question and then realizes that it doesn't make much sense to compare buying a Harley for oneself and starting a charity, so she tries to pretend like she made a joke. Bryant tries to cut her off because he's well aware that she's a bore, but she keeps talking and says she voted "with [her] guts." Nasty Lamber voting with her nasty guts while sweet Elisabeth's voting with her pure-as-snow heart. Rodger finally gets bored with her droning on and cuts her off. He says that since the vote, he's wondered many times whether he made the right choice. Not that it would have mattered. He says that the close vote reflects on both Tina and Colby. Bryant then asks Colby whether the game is flawed because after dominating all the challenges he didn't win. Colby doesn't agree. Rodger then points out that Colby's is thirty years younger than he is, and Bryant points out that he and Rodger are the same age. As much as I love Rodger and snerk over Bryant Gumbel, Rodger looks like he could be Bryant's dad.

There's a whole lot of Michael butt-kissing going on in the last few hours of this season. Colby says that if Michael hadn't been injured, he would have made the finals. He calls the accident one of many "fortunate" incidents in the Outback. Tina then reveals that she was an alternate and wasn't picked for the finals until Monday. I'm so glad to know it was Monday, and not Tuesday or Wednesday or God forbid Thursday. Bryant says, "How good is that?" No one answers. I have a pen that Bryant Gumbel used. Neener, neener.

We're back from commercial and into the "hunger and hardship" section. We see a brief snippet of Tina's audition tape. She perkily (what else?) hangs from a tree and tells the camera it is necessary to be "just like a koala beer" to "git that prayshuss fruit!" She then faux-falls out of the tree and Bryant laughs like something funny just happened. Tina could use some lessons in physical comedy from Bozo the Keith -- he's a natural. Tina accuses Bryant of calling their audition tapes "cheesy." We also find out that Bozo the Keith was supposed to "go head-to-head with Richard" in the first season and "didn't quite make it," so he was carried over to the Outback. Bozo the Keith says he's glad to have been on the show this season because he's made such strong connections with people. Too bad they only run one way.

Bryant "Get Bent" Gumbel makes Michael show his hands to the audience. Bryant says that Michael has suffered the most of everyone, and no one points out that the "wild" boar suffered more. He goes on to say that Michael has been going around saying that falling into the fire was a good thing. Michael explains that going on the show "transcends" money or prizes and that the "spiritual growth," the "family growth," and most particularly the "new skin growth" has been the greatest experience. He then chokes up and says that a million dollars couldn't buy what happened to him. But I think probably a ten spot could buy just about anyone a good shove into a fire if you ask the right person.

Paraphrasing Colby, Bryant says the environment and the elements were the dominant factors in the competition. None of the S16 choose to "quibble with that." Jeff is wearing makeup. Mrs. Donaldson is like Mr. Hanky -- leaving her crappy marks all over the place. Jeff says it seemed to get much harder after he left. He then says that Kucha had it easier because they were "kickin' Ogakor's butt." Bryant asks what the tribe's names mean and when Jeff starts to answer that "kucha" means "kangaroo," Bryant cuts him off and asks what Jeff really calls them; he says, "Ogaboring." I personally prefer what our very own posters came up with: the Ogre Corps. Colby good-humoredly tells Jeff the game is over, and Tina sounds serious when she adds, "Get over it!"