Without a Peachy in sight, we return from the chaos surrounding Tina's win and Colby's bizarre excitement to Bryant "I'm Arrogant" Gumbel sitting on the million-dollar set and disrespectfully announcing the S16. Tina tee-hees and giggles with her hands in her lap when he says her name. Both she and Colby are spared any pithy identifying descriptions. The others are not so lucky. Bryant Gumbel calls Bozo the Keith "the Outback's resident chef." He moves onto the "ever so sweet Elisabeth" and "her buddy Rodger." He can't come up with anything remarkable about Lamber except that she's young; Nick is touted for his Harvard-law-student status. As the sequel to The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Controversial Jerri Mathey is coming to a theatre near you. Alicia is "oh so buff" and Jeff is a cheerleader, which doesn't look like his description of choice. Michael is, of course, "burn victim," and it must have been a real toss-up between that and "pig killer." Kimmi's a vegetarian and Mitchell's a "seven-footer." A good-looking seven-footer too; he's working the whole Wesley Windham Price look. Bryant knows better than to try to improve upon Mad Dog for Maralyn, and Kel's just a Captain. He concludes, "The first to go Debb Eaton." Except it sounds like he just says "Debbie," which would be very odd. In any case, Debbie looks all twisty-faced and nervous.
Tina -- whether that really is Tina will not be debated here -- says she never even thought about the "voting caucus" and she keeps saying she "never believed it." I think she means to say she didn't think she'd win. I find that difficult to believe. So does Bryant. Tina explains for the bazillionth time that she and Colby felt liked they'd won when they got to the final two. Bryant still doesn't believe her and says they're talking about a difference of "considerable jack" between the title of "Sole Survivor" and runner-up. And it has been recently pointed out to me that the bane of my existence Michael Bolton song was really "Sole Provider." I should have known that because it's the song Emily lost her virginity to with Greg (Paul Johansson, who went on to play KEG man and Kelly-suitor John Sears) in the limo on Santa Barbara. Because that's not pathetic or anything. Anyway, after Bryant says "considerable jack," Colby says, "Nine hundred thousand" which makes everyone laugh before Bryant tries to be funny and adds, "But who's counting?" Tina says she would have done it for free, which seems even more unbelievable to me than anything else she's said. I continue to think that Colby's in some kind of valium-induced haze throughout this segment. Bryant asks him why he made such a "magnanimous gesture," and Colby gets confused; he thought Bryant was asking about some other magnanimous gesture. Like when he let someone else win the immunity challenge for once. Oh wait, that never happened. Colby says he's put a lot of thought into coming up with something intelligent to say because he knew he'd be asked that very question. Obviously he didn't come up with anything good, because he fumbles around the question for a while and then explains that "the game changes." I don't even think he knows why he picked Tina. In any case, he says that when he and Tina started becoming close, they decided to play their own game. I don't think that if Tina had won immunity, she would have chosen Colby to go into the finals with her, but we'll never know. Colby states again that making the final two was a victory for them, in case we didn't get it the first sixty-three and a half times. As Colby tells us that he didn't lose a night's sleep over choosing Tina, the camera pans to a curious-looking Bozo the Keith. Maybe Colby ate some beans and stew last night, because he just can't stop running on. He says that Tina deserved to win and that's "the beauty of the game." In the end, according to Colby, winning challenges didn't matter, nor did it matter how many "beans of stew [he] ate all the time." He says that people can't understand the experience, and that he doesn't expect them to.
Bryant then asks Bozo the Keith whether he was shocked when Colby selected Tina, and Bozo the Keith tells us that the last five days of the game were "enlightening for [him], just from a life standpoint." He says that the game wasn't about the money, and that he told the "two very important people in [his] life" that he did the best he could do. He then realizes that he should have at least three very important people in his life, and amends the group to include his fiancée. He also says he told his mom -- obviously not one of the two or even three most important people in his life -- the same thing. Bryant "Thrill of the Hunt" Gumbel can't let this go so easily, and tries to goad Bozo the Keith into some bitter comments by asking what he thinks of Colby giving up the prize just to prevent Bozo the Keith from winning it. Bozo the Keith jokingly says, "Well, call Colby a fool, then!" He goes on to say that he would have chosen Tina too, knowing she would have beaten him. But it was a no-win situation for Bozo the Keith, because he had to know that Colby would have beaten him, too. Bozo the Keith tells Bryant that the game was about building relationships; he says that Tina earned the win. Bryant still doesn't get the reaction he's looking for, and repeats all the mean stuff Tina and Colby said about Bozo the Keith after they kicked him off. Bozo the Keith admits, "That stuff hurt!" but says he took it in the "scope of the game."
Bozo the Keith wants to talk some more, but Bryant gets bored and moves on. He wants to know which of the four jury members voted for Tina: it was Jerri, Bozo the Keith, Alicia, and Elisabeth. Alicia sounds surprised that Elisabeth didn't vote for Colby. Looking very lovely, Alicia says she's impressed that Tina made it through the end without winning any challenges. This suggests that Alicia penalized Colby because he did win challenges, but she denies it. I think maybe she did...just a little, but that's her prerogative. She does what she wants to do. It's her prerogative. Me and you. Anyway, Alicia continues that Tina won through strategy and "had to be doing something right." Elisabeth -- who received some eyeliner application help from Colby's mom and her makeup -- says that the vote was very hard, because she'd developed respect and love for the others "as people." As opposed to what they really are. She says that Colby's "potential is outstanding," which sounds like she's saying that Tina doesn't have any potential, but that's not what she means. Basically, Elisabeth voted the way she did because Tina planned to donate the interest earned on her winnings (previously determined by Wing to be laughable) to a family in need. Elisabeth would like that idea...since she came up with it. Elisabeth does not endear herself to me here. Or ever, lately. She saddles up the horse, which is getting really tired by now, and says, "As we all know I'm an emotional person," and rolls her eyes. She spurs the horse and continues, "Guess how I voted. By my heart." Like all the others voted by their sphincter muscles. Bryant asks Nick why he voted for Colby, and he says that "outside the context of the game," Colby tried to get to know him. John Harvard rolls over in his grave when Nick says that he and Colby had "conversated." Bryant asks whether Colby's comment--that had it not been for Mike's accident, Nick would have made the final two -- influenced his vote, and Nick says it might have, and laughs it off. Lamber says that Tina and Colby both gave "great answers," to her question and then realizes that it doesn't make much sense to compare buying a Harley for oneself and starting a charity, so she tries to pretend like she made a joke. Bryant tries to cut her off because he's well aware that she's a bore, but she keeps talking and says she voted "with [her] guts." Nasty Lamber voting with her nasty guts while sweet Elisabeth's voting with her pure-as-snow heart. Rodger finally gets bored with her droning on and cuts her off. He says that since the vote, he's wondered many times whether he made the right choice. Not that it would have mattered. He says that the close vote reflects on both Tina and Colby. Bryant then asks Colby whether the game is flawed because after dominating all the challenges he didn't win. Colby doesn't agree. Rodger then points out that Colby's is thirty years younger than he is, and Bryant points out that he and Rodger are the same age. As much as I love Rodger and snerk over Bryant Gumbel, Rodger looks like he could be Bryant's dad.
There's a whole lot of Michael butt-kissing going on in the last few hours of this season. Colby says that if Michael hadn't been injured, he would have made the finals. He calls the accident one of many "fortunate" incidents in the Outback. Tina then reveals that she was an alternate and wasn't picked for the finals until Monday. I'm so glad to know it was Monday, and not Tuesday or Wednesday or God forbid Thursday. Bryant says, "How good is that?" No one answers. I have a pen that Bryant Gumbel used. Neener, neener.
We're back from commercial and into the "hunger and hardship" section. We see a brief snippet of Tina's audition tape. She perkily (what else?) hangs from a tree and tells the camera it is necessary to be "just like a koala beer" to "git that prayshuss fruit!" She then faux-falls out of the tree and Bryant laughs like something funny just happened. Tina could use some lessons in physical comedy from Bozo the Keith -- he's a natural. Tina accuses Bryant of calling their audition tapes "cheesy." We also find out that Bozo the Keith was supposed to "go head-to-head with Richard" in the first season and "didn't quite make it," so he was carried over to the Outback. Bozo the Keith says he's glad to have been on the show this season because he's made such strong connections with people. Too bad they only run one way.
Bryant "Get Bent" Gumbel makes Michael show his hands to the audience. Bryant says that Michael has suffered the most of everyone, and no one points out that the "wild" boar suffered more. He goes on to say that Michael has been going around saying that falling into the fire was a good thing. Michael explains that going on the show "transcends" money or prizes and that the "spiritual growth," the "family growth," and most particularly the "new skin growth" has been the greatest experience. He then chokes up and says that a million dollars couldn't buy what happened to him. But I think probably a ten spot could buy just about anyone a good shove into a fire if you ask the right person.
Paraphrasing Colby, Bryant says the environment and the elements were the dominant factors in the competition. None of the S16 choose to "quibble with that." Jeff is wearing makeup. Mrs. Donaldson is like Mr. Hanky -- leaving her crappy marks all over the place. Jeff says it seemed to get much harder after he left. He then says that Kucha had it easier because they were "kickin' Ogakor's butt." Bryant asks what the tribe's names mean and when Jeff starts to answer that "kucha" means "kangaroo," Bryant cuts him off and asks what Jeff really calls them; he says, "Ogaboring." I personally prefer what our very own posters came up with: the Ogre Corps. Colby good-humoredly tells Jeff the game is over, and Tina sounds serious when she adds, "Get over it!"
Nick says he never felt hungry after the first day, but that he felt weak and dizzy. He says that the degree of their hunger and exhaustion didn't translate on television. Jerri says that Kucha never experienced hunger the way that Ogakor did. She tells us that after she left, she watched Elisabeth and Nick suffer, and "[she] thought it was kinda funny." She giggles and then bursts into full cackle. Nick and Elisabeth look unamused. Then Mad Dog busts in and says she could feel her stomach shrinking after just a couple days; she said she was "losing weight, feeling good." And proudly adds, "If only I coulda stayed there for a couple more weeks, I'd be wearing a thong." She'll be here all week, folks. Try the fish. Bryant points out that handsome Mitchell thought the crew would feed them when the cameras were off. Mitchell says he thought the crew would throw him an apple: "Look at me! I'm seven feet tall, I weigh like a buck ten." I guess his personality didn't have a passport. Like the Mitchell we knew and didn't love, he then says that he was probably voted off because the lack of food hit him the hardest. Rodger says that they once went thirty-four hours with no food, and that on Thanksgiving day -- he knew because Nick was keeping a calendar -- all they had was macadamia nuts.
Bryant is bored of this topic now and wants to move onto the hardships part which somehow segues into "lack of companionship." Yeah, sixteen attractive strangers to do puzzles with, a volleyball and a pair of ice skates to pull teeth with -- I see the comparison. Bryant goes the old birthday-suit- on-the-birthday route, which wasn't much news when Richard did it last season. Kimmi, who also looks beautiful, says that they voted her off before she had a chance to get naked and Jeff says, "We saw it anyway." All the S16 laugh and act surprised; Jeff reaches over and pats Kimmi's knee. Bryant points out that Jeff asked, prior to the show's start, whether they'd be taped having sex. Jeff flirtatiously wants to know where Bryant heard that. Bryant then points out that no one even tried to have sex with each other, but he wouldn't really know that. Jeff says he can't imagine "anybody in that environment being romantically attracted to anyone." Bryant disagrees, calling them the "Baywatch bunch, " but Jeff insists that there's nothing sexy about not bathing or not brushing their teeth. Kimmi points out that there was no toilet paper and says, "You can hardly touch yourself, let alone somebody else." Bryant "Thrill of the Hunt" Gumbel then pulls out a zinger with, "Is that why, Nick, you said all these women looked so nasty?" There's much guffawing and faux outrage among the S16; Alicia looks around Jerri to see Nick when he answers that he had cute women on his tribe but "after twenty-four hours they're nasty." He then tries to backtrack by saying, "I was nasty, too." Someone says, "You'd better add that." I think it was Bozo the Keith. Mad Dog busts in again, saying that she'd designated herself as the "Prophylactic Police"; there were twelve condoms when she got there and "by God, there were twelve when [she] left." I think Mad Dog's been nipping at the Mad Dog again. Bryant then criticizes Lamber's and Elisabeth's choice of islandwear. He wants to know, "What was the deal with those bathing suits?" Lamber says, "Strategy," and Jerri of the semi-exposed nipples yells, "That was my line!" Bryant thinks Lamber confused her definitions and asks, "Strategy or modesty?" And Lamber reveals that she didn't want her top falling down, and also she "had to go with the shorts thing." Elisabeth says she wore something bright so that if "anything drastic happened" she could be found. She cracks herself up over this.
Lots of people turned up in Dallas to cheer on Colby. I think I can barely make out Colby's mom and her makeup working their way through the crowd with a blush brush and some spackle.
We get to see Mad Dog's tape: she pops out of a dumpster and says she's been in there for seven weeks, so the Outback should be nothing. She's holding a dog collar in her hand and looking at it curiously. I'm not sure if we're supposed to think she found a dog in the dumpster and ate it. Bryant then shows a pretty picture of Mad Puppy holding a coffee cup and looking like she's giving attitude. Everyone hoots and hollers and Colby yelps, "Hello, Momma!" Which might not have helped all the "conjugal" speculation. Jerri says, "Bow. Wow," which for once I don't think she meant in a mean way. Bryant "No Runt" Gumbel then asks her if she's now at fighting weight, which is one rude-ass question. She drolly says, "Yes I am, Bryant," and thinks which of her cop friends she can call up to kick his ass. Oh wait -- she can do that herself.
Debb's been pretty quiet this whole time, and Bryant tells us she wasn't sure she wanted to be part of the reunion. Debb says she knew she didn't want to be part of it. She's upset because no one got a chance to know her, and the press tore her apart. It hasn't been fun, and there's "no way" she would do it again. Bryant says, "Bad trade? Three days in the Outback for your life being exposed?" A teary Debb agrees. She says the hardest part of the situation has been that, as a strong person, she's lost some of her belief in herself. Kel rubs her back. ["I thought that was the most phony-ass thing I'd ever seen. Had they ever even met?" -- Wing Chun] Bryant says, "You've already got it back," but I don't really see how. Kel leans over and kisses Debb. She just stares at him. Rodger reaches back and shakes her hand. And even my dear sweet Rodger stabbed Debb in the back by voting her off when he'd promised her he wouldn't, so that probably wasn't much consolation to her, either. Poor Debb. A person should be able to marry her stepson in peace.
, Bryant "Wanna Rumble?" Gumbel asks Kel if life isn't too short not to have forgiven Jerri. He answers, "I have forgiven Jerri...but I don't like her." Everyone goes hysterical over this, but it's not nearly as funny as when Talking Rudy Doll grumped, "I don't like 'er...and I never will!" of Stayfree Stillman last season. Kel says that Jerri won't get a Christmas card from him. Jerri tells Bryant that she doesn't ever expect everyone to like her. Bryant says, "There's a good bet." Jerri threatens Bryant with having to eat another meal with her. She then says that it's easier for some people to tell the difference between the game and real life. She turns around and tells Kel that she feels bad that he harbors anger and resentment against her. I read a book about conflict resolution once, and it said that when you were mad at someone, instead of saying, "You really piss me off when you blah blah blah," you're supposed to phrase it like, "It really makes me feel pissed off when you blah blah blah" so as to keep the other party from immediately going on the defensive. Well, that's exactly what Jerri does not do here. Anyway, Kel says it's the first time she's ever spoken to him, and she says that's what the day's for. He still won't send her a Christmas card, causing Hallmark to pull their advertising. Bryant asks whether Alicia will send Kimmi a Christmas card. She says, "I'm famous for that finger-wave," and Bryant has the footage all cued up. As the chicken fight plays, the S16 go nuts. That is one active finger. Bryant says that Kimmi called Alicia and wants to know why Alicia didn't call her back. Alicia says that the fight with Kimmi was the only negative part of her Survivor experience, and that she didn't want to bring herself down thinking about it. Now, though, "It's all good!" But not good enough, she says, for a Christmas card. Which is fine by Kimmi, since she's Jewish. Alicia says that she and Kimmi would not have gotten along in any environment, but that she still holds all the S16 closer to her heart, finishing with, "Gotta love you, Kimmi." Lamber volunteers that she's good at hiding her irritation with the others. She says she didn't want anyone to know of her negative feelings because then she might be voted off sooner. Bryant points out that Jerri would describe letting people know how she feels "being honest," and Jerri tells us that's how she kept her sanity: she expressed her emotions to the others and expected that they would do the same. Jerri is such a big person. Kimmi points out that she and Alicia tried going the getting-the- feelings-out route, and that it didn't work.
Bryant asks Rodger about his original intentions to be straightforward in playing the game. Rodger says that he was straightforward, but that he couldn't really play the game on the level he thought he could; basically, he says the players in the final two were dishonest, and that the way he played wasn't a bad thing in the long run. He says that the first thing he told his wife when he got off the plane was that he didn't do anything he was ashamed of. But that's not true, since he's since revealed he felt bad about lying to Debb when she asked him not to make the vote against her unanimous. We go to commercial with the revelation that there's a big old Survivor party in Miami tonight.
In Colby's audition tape, we see him riding a bull in a rodeo. He looks embarrassed about it. Bryant feels the need to point out that it wasn't Colby's first rodeo. And now, the part no one cares about: the pre-screened audience questions. And older man asks how Rodger got the nerve to jump into "that water." Rodger says he didn't want to let the others down, and that it was the hardest thing in his life. They show the clip again, which made me cry the first time it aired. Bozo the Keith says, "You didn't see -- we actually pushed him."
A homely girl stands up and asks "as a fellow Rhode Islander," which she thinks is terribly funny, what was Elisabeth's scariest encounter with the Outback wildlife. Elisabeth says it was the size of the Bloomin' Onion. No, really -- Elisabeth says the outside latrine was the worst part; her imagination got the best of her in the dark. Jeff then reveals that he used to escort Elisabeth and Alicia to the bathroom at night and then pinch them so they'd think it was a wild animal. Jeff and Mad Dog so needed to be on the same team. Kel then opines that his scariest encounter was Jerri. And as much as I hate Jerri and as much as the audience most likely hates Jerri, I think all of us are ready for Kel to give it up. ["Seriously. It was funny the first time. Quit milking it." -- Wing Chun]
Bryant asks how many toothbrushes they had, and Kucha says there was one for each of them after two weeks; Ogakor had nothing. Then they all talk about the various items they used to brush their teeth. Alicia reveals that Nick kissed her one day "right on the lips." It's a long story, but Bryant wants Nick to tell it anyway. Nick says that right after they first brushed their teeth, Alicia was like, "I'm so clean, I'm so fresh, who wants to kiss me?" and he took that as an invitation. Bryant asks why Jerri didn't try it, and I'm not sure if he means brushing her teeth or kissing Nick. She says, "I would have kissed him anyway!" We're suddenly back on the sex thing. Colby says there were distractions from the women on the team more early in the game than later. Maybe he means Mad Dog and her hysterically distracting commentary. She's definitely in the special risen to Talking Mad Dog territory. In any case, Bryant says he's not going to "pursue it."
A slow-talker stands up and congratulates Tina "on behalf of Reebok." I'm assuming she works for them. Or maybe not, and I'll start going around telling people at work, "On behalf of Reebok, thanks for helping out with that," or "I really like that tie, on behalf of Reebok." She wants to know why Michael painted his face with blood after killing the "wild" boar. Michael explains that he didn't want to tell Ogakor that they'd successfully hunted, but that he was outvoted by the others. He decided, since they were going to tell the other tribe, that they should show up at the challenge with blood on their faces. Another great office prank foiled. Kimmi sarcastically says she would have painted her face with the blood, and Michael hugs her saying, "It was meant to be a joke. For Kimmi."
Ever polite Bryant asks Mitchell, "Weren't you overmatched?" Mitchell says that he kept wondering when he'd get to go home, but that leaving was still a huge yet welcome shock. In another revelation, Mitchell proves he's both scarecrow and tin man when he makes a point of saying he got to know "the Debb nobody else did," and that she is a "wonderful and amazing woman." Debb looks partly pleased and partly skeptical.
Bryant says that some of them have noted that Survivor is a life-changing experience. He doesn't say that some of them have noted it over and over and over again. Talking Mad Dog says, "Bryant, I've already gone through the change of life," and Bryant won't pursue that one either. Bryant asks Bozo the Keith how participating in the game was cleansing, and Bozo the Keith says he's now in counseling with Jerri. He goes on to say he's had failures and successes in his life as a forty-one-year-old divorcé with two children. He pretty much said the same thing in one of his pensive confessionals in the last episode. Bozo the Keith says he's learned to apologize to himself and has since "moved onto a whole new game, all about life." His fiancée applauds him and then resumes "Miss Lucy had a Steamboat" with the person sitting to her. Bryant says that they're going to "come back [from commercial] and do some more business." They will then let us in on the "secret" of the season. He begs for applause for the "band."
We learn that, on her audition tape, Alicia stalked with a boomerang a parasol-carrying fake kangaroo through Central Park. She's very excited that the kangaroo, her friend Peter, is in the audience. Peter is a very red-faced non-marsupial in a blue shirt. Bryant says "the mud is barely dry on the shoes of the castaways," but that he's not sure the sweat is. Who needed to know that? He then introduces a preview of Africa, full of typically melodramatic Just Peachy exposition. We are advised "not [to] be fooled," and shown the threatening hippo-cam and cougar-cam. The giraffe-cam doesn't do much for me. In any case, who didn't know that the season was taking place in Africa? The video concludes with, "The continent may have changed, but the game is still the same: outblah, outblah and outblah." The new logo now features a picture of Mitchell. On closer inspection, it's a giraffe. Colby's advice to future participants is to "expect the absolute worst." The others all agree that this is good advice.
Bryant then asks them to compare themselves to last season's cast, and points out that the Borneo S16 had philosophical discussions about "religion, about children out of wedlock, about sexual orientation, about family." That's because Talking Rudy Doll had "philosophical discussions" programming. Talking Mad Dog might have been similarly wired, but they voted her off too soon. The new S16 argue that they did have such conversations, and Elisabeth says they weren't for the sake of the cameras, and suggests that the last cast's were. Because I'm sure Talking Rudy Doll was trying to impress America with his homophobia and general close-mindedness. Debb finally decides to participate by announcing that Kucha had "a two-hour spirited discussion on farting [the] first night." Bryant says they might have to call it a "bilabial fricative." Because we can't say that "f" word on television now? Jerri says it sounds gross; for once I agree with her.
Michael then calls out Bryant for focusing on the negative relationships of their time in the Outback. He says that he didn't meet Bozo the Keith or Tina while they were there, but they're two of his best friends now. He points out Rodger and Elisabeth, and Alicia and Jeff, as being inseparable pairs. He then cites Kel and Jerri, which is a joke. ["Or a 'joke.'" -- Wing Chun]
As the show winds down, Tina announces that she has a story to tell about Jeff. She says that when she first met him, she thought he was a "player." By "player," she means a "compassionate sweet guy," which is a different definition than mine. She says that on the night Jeff was voted off, Barramundi had caught thirteen fish and put them on a stringer in the water. When the team returned to camp, the fish were all gone, and they determined that the crocs had had a snack. She later found out that Jeff, suspecting he'd be voted off, had destroyed their dinner. The whole group erupts hearing this news; I don't even think Alicia knew, but then how did Tina find out? Jeff is really pleased with himself and Tina turns around and says, "You're evil, you're evil!" ["Everyone at Wing Manor agreed that in Jeff's place, we'd have screwed over the people who'd screwed us in exactly the same way. Jeff is such a bitch!" -- Wing Chun] And suddenly Talking Mad Dog's on her feet, playing the intro to the show's theme song on what I now know is a didgeridoo. She's pretty good, too, since I can sort of make out the tune, whereas after five years of taking violin as a child no one still had any clue what the hell I was playing.
We go to commercial looking at the partying going down in Elisabeth's hometown of Boston.
In her audition tape, Elisabeth looks typically cute. She drives her car, goes over a pothole, and giggles. Alas, we're down to our last thirty seconds and Bryant "Defiant" Gumbel asks if she's the "sweet motherly Tina" we've seen on the show, or if she's a "ruthless" competitor. She says she's in the middle, and that you "gotta have a good balance in life," which seems like a reasonably honest answer. Bryant announces that the S16 will join him the day on The Early Show, and that Tina will then receive her check. With Jerri fiercely nodding her head behind him, Bryant says that the S16 spent their time in the Outback with "millions judging their character." He's amazed that they "survived with as much dignity as they have," and concludes the special by wondering why people even watch the show, finally determining that this sick phenomena is best left to psychologists.