Ladies and Gentlemen, We have a Winner!

Last week on Survivor: Colby won a visit from his mom and her makeup before winning yet another immunity. Elisabeth rode her high horse right out of the Outback.

The show opens with an eternal montage of everything that's happened to date this season. And I mean everything. They don't want the three of you out there who just tuned in to feel left out. This wouldn't be so bad if the "special" clips show hadn't already wowed us with its "special" ability to repeat. It's important to know that Michael fell in the fire. It's not so important to know, but more fun to know that Jerri got dropped on her back by Colby. Several times.

Before I begin, and since I'm suffering, I think you all should as well: I can't hear Peachy say, "One will become The Sole Survivor" without launching in my head into the heartfelt chorus of "Sole Survivor" by Michael Bolton. And then I get to thinking about his shiny balding pate and combed over mullet and then my mind goes thankfully blank. These recaps come to you at a high price to my sanity.

Once we get through that montage (and we barely do) we launch into an extra long it-isn't- exciting-enough- to-air-without- special-effects scenery montage. This time they make it look as if the trees are running along the horizon; it actually made me laugh. Maybe I should be happy that this stuff is new and not the same old crocodile falling off the same old log. But don't worry all of you kooky croc fans, he makes a "special guest appearance" later.

And finally, some content -- even if it's just Colby sleeping while Bozo the Keith fetches wood. It's Day 40, and Bozo the Keith tells us it's the "home stretch," and that the last three days are what the game is all about. He says that everything else has been a "product to get to this point." Well, the product is usually the end point, but we know what he means -- and this is Bozo the Keith we're talking about. We should be happy he didn't break something, hit his head, or trip over his big floppy red clown shoes while saying it. Colby wakes up and tells Bozo the Keith he had a "solid" night's sleep for the first time since the game began. Colby then tells us in an interview that the environment and the elements have been a huge factor, and that they are the seventeenth player in the game. That would be seventeenth and eighteenth, but who's counting? Bozo the Keith and Colby calculate how much food is left. It looks like a lot to me. Colby says, "We're livin' on the edge in our rations." With a jar of peanut butter. Colby tells us that Day 40 is ten times harder than Day 21; he says they've each deteriorated but they still have to play the game, which has become about "surviving the people long enough to get in a position to win." As he says this, they show Bozo the Keith filling his water jug. Ominous music plays telling us we're supposed to find this menacing. I don't.

We go from the ominous track to the sad track as we see Tina writing in her diary. As she scribbles, she voice-overs that it's an "overwhelming surprise" to be there. I bet Tina writes "poetry." She says that she came into the game planning to do well, but that she never thought she could get this far, which I don't believe for a Tennessee second. She says she's "evolved" throughout the course of the game. "Evolved" is about sixteen syllables in Tina language. She tells us that she's not the same person she was when she started out, because she's "developed more" into a strategist. I bet everyone at her 20th high school reunion noticed she'd "developed more," too. She proudly points out that she's made it from the original sixteen to the final three. Suddenly we're back to Colby, who tells us that trusting people in the game will "git you gone." He goes deep and says that the game both parallels and differs from life. He says he's only been honest with himself in the game, and that he's not like that in real life. He tells us that, in trusting someone, "You're a fool for not playing the game." Does anyone think comments like these might come back to bite Colby in the ass? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Tina and Colby check the treemail and discover it's arts and crafts time at Camp Convenience. There's a crate full of paints and paintbrushes. They also receive three blocks of wood and will each carve their own idol "as a gift to the land." Tina exclaims, "We git to carve it!" Well, if carving was such excitement, couldn't she have been carving all along? I'm having trouble understanding why they need to be given the wood; they're in the middle of the forest -- it's all raw materials out there. Bozo the Keith tells us that he was intimidated by the "giving back to the land" part, and that he could do an excellent job with his #42 Clown White greasepaint makeup, but it got washed away in the flood. Colby had to stop and reflect before he could see how much he took from the land. And that's before the coral episode aired and he got sued. Not only do they get paints, wood, and paintbrushes, they also get beads and feathers, too. Come. On. Are they making immunity Cher dolls? This whole thing is a travesty. Really. They're in one of the most fiercely beautiful environments in the world, and they need to cover it up with beads and feathers? Bozo the Keith tells us that painting the idols gave them closure. In a sun-lit and blurred Playboy-esque interview, Tina says she likes long walks on the beach and disco dancing. No -- really, she says she's proud to be the only woman and thus "wanted her idol to be feminine in her own way." So she gave it breast implants. Colby tells us he's been reflecting and thinking about the last forty days. Do you think there's reflecting and thinking going on? Because I'm really not sure. He says he struggled with designing his Outback Ken doll until he realized there weren't any rules to follow. He concludes that playing the game is like that too.

This seriously feels like the longest two hours of my life. And I've only been watching for ten minutes.

As Colby and Tina hang out, they continue to reflect and think. Colby says that "six weeks" sounds so much longer than "forty-two days." Tina takes this literally and calculates that it sounds, in fact, like three weeks. Then for the second time in five minutes, Bozo the Keith mentions crossing the river. He seems kind of obsessed with it. The S3 talk about how they didn't know each other when they first arrived. Tina remembers thinking what a long road they had ahead of them. I'm thinking the same thing right now about the one hour and forty-two minutes. But who's counting? Bozo the Keith says it's been "a helluva ride." In completely non-logical statement, Tina tells us that the game has been "one big emotional pull." What I just wrote was logical. I translated it for you because it was too tiring to try to recap. Bozo the Keith tells us that tonight is one of their last nights. Tina says "it kills [her]" to think about going home so soon because, although she wants to see her family, she doesn't want to leave the Outback. Colby says he hates leaving because he doesn't want to "check out of the game before it's over" and that he'd never before thought of that as a possibility. Tina agrees that "it's not like you are voluntarily checking out." I can't for the life of me figure out why they're having this conversation and -- more importantly -- why we're forced to endure it. Colby says he'll take it like a man if he gets kicked off. Bozo the Keith says he'll take it like a clown. Actually he says, "We all will." Tina disagrees and says she's going to have a hissyfit. That one's for you, Wing! They talk about the evening's Tribal Council. They agree that it won't be fun. Blah friggin blah. Really! Bozo the Keith draws on his one functioning brain cell to deduce that only one of their votes will count that evening. He says it won't be the usual "voting block," and that it's about who you want the jury to see sitting to you. He shakes his head and says, "Tough call."

Bozo the Keith stares into the fire while techno music plays. Some kangaroos are doing the cabbage patch out at the river's edge. One of them is wearing Elisabeth's immunity headdress. Then Day 41 dawns. A hopping kangaroo is superimposed over the sun. He's not doing the cabbage patch or wearing Elisabeth's fugly hat. Tina tells us that she's sad not just because the game is ending, but because they're losing each other's company. Bozo the Keith tells us this last day has been "bittersweet" and that "one of us saw the sunset for the last time and the sun rise this morning for the last time." Unless they're moving to Greenland or Alaska, they're each pretty sure to have daily contact with the sun and its regular activities. ["No kidding. It's not like one of them is getting killed tonight." -- Wing Chun] Bozo the Keith has made rice patties for their last supper. He wants them (Tina and Colby) to know they've (the rice patties) been made with "a great deal of love and passion." Tina wants him to know that they're (the rice patties) eaten "with a great deal of love and passion" too. Colby, meanwhile, eats peanut butter straight from the jar. Bozo the Keith says, "From the bottom of this chef's heart to your guys' [sic] stomachs." We've been about one minute reflection-free, so Colby hurries up and tells us he doesn't like dwelling on the fact that the game is full of first and lasts.

A clue arrives; it's a flipbook with one word on each page. How annoying is that? Its only point, as far as I can see, is to ease the task of reading large blocks of text for the S3. The clue says that they'll walk past the torches of those who have gone before them, and that at the end of the "journey," they'll offer up their idols. Tina tells us that she can already feel "anxiety of some sort rising in [her] chest." Maybe she's mistaking anxiety for some other, more silicone substance. She chokes up as she tells us it's going to be hard to say goodbye. Colby says that the three of them are "very emotionally attached" to each other. He concludes, "If the word 'love' comes out of your mouth, then that's the emotion you're feeling at that time." He doesn't, though, love them like he loves his family...yet. He then realizes that he's talking about Bozo the Keith, and says he has to love them to have put up with them for so long. As they head off on the designated route, we see that Bozo the Keith's idol must have a spine injury, since it's strapped to a backboard. Colby's idol is mostly green. Tina's looks like it's wearing Björk's Oscar dress. The S3 hike past the torches in the order that the torches' owners were voted off. As they pass each torch, a montage plays of that Survivor's time in the Outback. I can't imagine they get too sad about Debb, since they never met her. They look very pensively at Maralyn's torch. Other torches they touch or just stare at. Michael's montage is packed with excitement: the killing of the "wild" boar and the fire incident. We see Alicia finger-waving; we see Jerri cackling. Tina kisses Lamber's torch. Because she didn't backstab her or anything. I think the music changes when they get to Rodger's torch and montage; I can't say I didn't choke up here. I didn't, however, wail and bang my fists against the television set. It looks like the S3 walk right by Elisabeth's torch, but they're probably tired of this by now and besides -- they just saw her yesterday.

The S3 walk in single file onto a plateau where Peachy is perkily perched on a rock ledge. He says, "Hey guys!" and launches into another of his stupid speeches: he says that after "chatting" with them, he's learned that the game has been a "life-changing experience." He points out that the torch walk was a chance for them to reflect on their past tribe members, and how they played the game, but that now it's time for them to reflect on their own game and what they'll take away from it. He says they're at the last waterfall before Tribal Council, which is the appropriate place to reflect on their time in the Outback. They are each instructed to find a private place to do this. When they're finished reflecting, they are to return to Peachy's chosen spot and "offer their idols" by tossing them in the river. Peachy announces, "This is your chance to give something back to a land that has given so much to you." Because the land really wants whatever Bozo the Keith has to offer. Ethereal woo-woo-wooing music starts.

In his private place, Bozo the Keith tells us that the time he's had in the Outback has been "a cleansing process". He says that "like any other individual that's [sic] forty years old," he's had both failures and successes. In an interview, a scruffy Keith says he'll walk away with something far more valuable than money: a scholarship to clown college. He then tells us very honestly that he don't think he'll make the final two because he's not "at that level." He doesn't think he has "the opportunity to win the money," even though he's had more of an opportunity than most. I even kind of believe him when he claims it's totally fine with him. His immunity idol takes a leap because it can't stand to listen to all this psychobabble any longer.

Tina insanely sits at the very edge of a high ledge with her legs hanging over. Every time they show an aerial view, I cringe. In an interview, she tells us she's lived her life trying to be independent and strong, but that in the Outback she's learned the value of family. She says that "for the first time," she's going to nurture her family when she goes home. She begins by nurturing her idol: she kisses it and chucks it over the ledge, where it fails to take flight on duck-like wings.

The triumphant music flares up for Colby. He tells us that being in the Outback has made him appreciate daily comforts, like the little things people say at home. He then lobs his sleek green idol into the water; it lands width-wise in the mouth of a crocodile, lodges in its throat, and causes a slow death by starvation.

The S3 then march into Tribal Council, where Peachy instructs them to "pull up [their] tablets." The jury comes in looking typically sullen. After Colby passes down the immunity necklace, Peachy tells the S3 that they've just completed a "rite of passage" and have had a chance to remember their tribemates. The immunity challenge, called "Fallen Comrades," is a series of twelve questions about their former tribemates and will determine how well the S3 really knew them. Peachy explains that the winner of this last challenge not only gains immunity, but the chance to select which other competitor makes it to the final two.