Last week on Survivor, a reward challenge brought the S5 messages from home. Keith's message was "yes." Colby won immunity again, and Rodger's departure broke our hearts.
Day 37. Elisabeth is sad. She was lonely last night, and tells us it's different at camp without Rodger. She says, "He's a little treasure I happened to find in the Outback...from Kentucky." We then see many shots of lonely Elisabeth roaming around dejectedly. She tells us that Rodger wouldn't want her to get all mushy, and that she's not going to "kinda lay down and die." Instead, she's going to "win this thing," which essentially confirms for us that she's not. Elisabeth tells Colby and Tina that her friendship with Rodger started on Day 4, and that it's been an "emotional roller coaster" ever since. In an interview, she says she's been talking to Tina about her family, and that she's donned funky glasses which make her feel closer to them. She says that, with Rodger gone, she misses her family more, and that when she returns to the States, she's going to buy him his own pair of kooky eyewear as a token of her affection. Tina then tells us that she misses her husband and children. ["She has to say 'husband and children' because she sometimes can't remember which are which." -- Wing Chun] Elisabeth says that she misses "comfort, things you love." They're sunbathing as they have this conversation; some people might call that a comfort, albeit a stupid one. Elisabeth tells Tina that she feels like she's "not here from [her] life." How meta. In an interview Colby then tells us that his mom misses him the most of everyone he's left at home. Obviously, since she was the only one who bothered to show up for his online chat. He says that she's gotten him "through all this." It turns out that he talks to her every day when he "get[s] off" and that she doesn't "respond orally." That is what he said, even if it isn't what he meant. It's my job to report the facts, people. Make with them what you will. Tina tells us that when they first started playing the game, they "knew that there were some luxuries that [they] could not afford [them]selves." She says that one of those things was family, but that now they can laugh about it and "keep [their] sanity." Colby then jokes to Tina and Elisabeth that he's going to the grocery store, and asks whether they need anything. Tina wants him to fill up the car with gas. Elisabeth tells us that they do these little play-acting things to feel normal. She's kind of pinned up against a tree as she says this in her interview. She says that checking the mail is the most normal thing they do, as she and Tina head off toward treemail. Because every time I check my mailbox, it's full of bad poetry and instructions for mindless activity. No, really -- it is. Tina calls Colby a "lazy bones." Was the sound on this really bad for anyone else? Mine was muffled and practically inaudible. The reward clue is about rare chances and "regrets for the past." The last part of the clue claims that "one person is driving." Elisabeth thinks they'll be driving as part of the challenge; Tina thinks it's the reward; Colby just thinks it sounds cool. We have absolutely no idea what Bozo the Keith is thinking, because he's off somewhere practicing his juggling and unicycle-riding skills.
Oh! There he is, and he's even had time to wipe the white greasepaint off his face. As the S4 strut toward the challenge, Peachy stands in his surprisingly unstarched blue shirt and tells them to "come on in," but there's no place to go on into. It's pretty much an open field. He says, "It's not often that you git [sic] a chance to make up for past mistakes." He tells them that the day's challenge will repeat elements from prior challenges. He preaches that if they've learned anything, it will be easy, but if not, they'll be "repeating history." In the first leg, they will navigate a rope course attached to a carabineer while blindfolded and shackled. A bell will ring at the end of course, allowing them to remove their blindfolds. The second leg is a giant puzzle, the completion of which yields a key which will unlock the shackles. The last leg is another water bucket/ fire bucket scenario, except this time they must carry the buckets of water across a beam. The anticlimactic conclusion is, once again, the fire tower fuse. The reward is a "tent, a mattress, four wheels, and a key." The key is for "a car that converts into a tent," and it will be waiting for Colby...I mean, "the winner" in Texas...I mean, "at his/her home." First, though, the winner will get to sleep in the car as well as have a shower and a meal the night.
The challenge begins, and Bozo the Keith really is a klutz. He keeps falling over, but even so he manages to keep up with Colby. Tina looks like she's blind -- oh wait, she is. Colby finishes the first leg ahead, and he doesn't even look like he's trying. Elisabeth finishes last. Peachy says that everyone's still in the game. As they puzzle, Peachy admonishes them, "Do not lift anything." It looks like Keith might have been lifting his pieces, which is kind of like pulling the stickers off a Rubik's Cube and then sticking them back in the winning pattern. Colby finishes his puzzle, which reads, "Outplay." Peachy tells the others, who may be having a bit of trouble with the concept, "Remember, it's gotta line up with the pattern underneath." Elisabeth finishes and hobbles off to unshackle herself. Peachy then loses his cool at the others' inability to finish, and yells, "Slow down and think! It's gotta match the pattern underneath!" Bozo the Keith finally finishes, closely followed by Tina. Peachy says, "Everybody's still very much alive." Bozo the Keith falls off his beam. I'm not surprised. Colby's bucket fills first, and he begins working on his fire. There's a lovely underwear-cam of Elisabeth, who finishes . Bozo the Keith falls again -- even he doesn't look surprised. Tina begs her bucket to "please be it!" and her bucket comes through. She's smart and starts her fire with brush before gathering more. At this point, I actually thought she might win. But then suddenly Colby's saying "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!" because his fire bucket is rising -- the fuse then ignites. Colby yells, "Yeah! Now we're talkin'!" What were we doing before, when he was winning all the challenges? Colby says that he's never had a new car, and Tina congratulates him. As we go to commercial, Colby says that he's got "one hell of a winning streak" going on, and that he will ride it as long as he can.
It's now Day 38. Elisabeth tells us that the real challenge is "living [there] day to day." She starts tugging at her hair, and yelps that it's falling out. In an interview, she says that the hair is coming out in clumps but she doesn't know "if [she] can get one right now." Ew. If I'd been losing clumps of hair, I probably wouldn't start pulling at remaining hair patches in the hopes of removing some more. Just a thought. Elisabeth says that the hair loss is from malnutrition. Pandora, dog #2, has that same problem, though, and she's very careful about her diet. A scale suddenly shows up at treemail with a clue reading that "the pounds melt away on the Survivor diet." Bozo the Keith thinks that the girls are going to love it. There's also a mirror, which Tina refuses to look at; Elisabeth grabs it up right away. Tina weighs 45 kilos (99 pounds). She weighed 115 when she got there. Elisabeth weighs 46 kilos (101 pounds). She weighed 113 when the game started. This is making me feel really fat. Keith weighs 65 kilos (143 pounds) -- he weighed 170 when they arrived. And finally Colby, who weighed 190 pounds 40 days ago, now weighs 165. Bozo the Keith celebrates that he's lost the most weight, and finally won something. Elisabeth feels like her "stomach is eating itself." Tina figures out that between the four of them they've lost 85 pounds; Elisabeth concludes that it's like losing "a third-grader." Or a pre-implant Tina.
Colby tells us that Bozo the Keith goes on "sabbatical walks," as we see Bozo the Keith stumbling about; an ominous gong clangs. Colby tells us that they haven't talked, but that he "get[s] the feeling" that Bozo the Keith thinks he needs to "win 'em all." Bozo the Keith then talks to the camera and says that if his legs hold up, he's going to sit at a place with a magnificent view. Back at camp, Elisabeth tells Colby that he's waited patiently for his car, but now Colby is excited for his "new ride" and hot meal. Tina and Elisabeth then walk up to him like the slightly overgrown third-graders they almost are. Tina sweetly says, "Colby, here's you [sic] some flowers." Colby kisses and hugs the girls, and then tells us in an interview that they surprised him with the flowers, which were a "car-warming gift in lieu of a house-warming gift, like when you get a new house." He thinks the girls are the real deal. Peachy suddenly appears; he's all hunched over. He asks if Colby is "ready to get out of Dodge," and tells him that his "chariot awaits." Peachy then tries to weasel his way into the cool crowd by saying, "We got enough grub; I'm gonna join you, if that's cool." Peachy drools as the girls hug Colby goodbye. No one knows where Bozo the Keith is, but they guess he's off somewhere trying to figure out how many kangaroos he can stuff in a small car. Elisabeth tells us, as Colby leaves, that she's sad not to have won a challenge -- she wanted the car. She's cranky because she misses Rodger and she wants Keith to come back from wherever he is so they can eat. Meanwhile, Keith is lying on a rock with his hat over his head. He doesn't fall off the rock, though. Keith tells us that he's thinking about his family and fiancé and that he sees the light at the end of the tunnel. He tells us that he can't do anything to change things at this point, and that he's just going to "glide in" and try to enjoy the last few days. And then he asks the cameraman to lean in and smell the flower pinned to his lapel, which squirts water all over the lens. Triumphant music plays.
Colby still can't believe that he won a car. He's even excited that it's yellow. I can't improve upon Omar's last-season description of the Pontiac Aztek looking like the product of an SUV getting dry humped by a Honda CRX. Throw in mutant banana and a tarp, and you've got this car. Colby says the car is "way cooler" than he thought it would be, which sounds like a back-handed compliment to me. As Peachy and Colby eat "appetizers," Peachy asks if Colby wants him to "bring out the good food." In a tough voice, Peachy orders, "Bring out the food!" And Colby stands up, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Don't you talk to my momma that way!" Well, he doesn't do that but I do think he had to know his mom or another loved one would soon appear. Anyway, Colby's mom and her makeup carry out the food and creep up behind Colby, who doesn't even bother to look surprised. Even if I weren't 100 percent sure he was expecting someone, I would think he wasn't surprised. Colby sweeps his mom and her makeup off their feet. In an interview he tells us he hadn't realized how much he misses "the touch and the intimacy of loved ones." Hugging his mom and her makeup brings back his "daily normalcy." Colby immediately shows off the flowers and says Tina and Elisabeth are "two incredible women." His mom and her makeup make an unusual face; I think they're wondering if Colby's been getting the "touch and the intimacy" from anyone else these days. They say it's weird to see him. Colby tells them he only had four spoonfuls of rice that day; they can't believe it. He doesn't mention that he's won every food challenge to date. Colby's mom and her makeup tell us in an interview that there's a look in Colby's eye from hunger and "emotional isolation" that they don't like. Colby then tells his mom and her makeup that he's only "been to the bathroom three times." He holds up three fingers for emphasis. His mom and her makeup say they knew he was going to lose weight but that they weren't prepared for this. Colby says they're all really weak. As Colby settles into the tent, his mom and her makeup walk by and he says, "There you are." They lie in the bed tent and talk about how hard everything has been for Colby and the S4 because "it's so easy to get kicked off." This certainly is edited to make Colby, his mom, and her makeup look very V.C. Andrews.
The morning, Colby showers and his mom and her makeup take pictures. They can get good money for those on eBay! Colby tells us it's the most refreshing shower he ever had. He then says the hot shower was the thing he looked forward to the least, but he liked it the most to his visit with his mom and her makeup. He says he had no idea that having a "hot shower" would feel so good. He emphasizes the "hot."
Back at Barramundi, the tribe's water jug is leaking. It's Bozo the Keith's fault -- he's managed to step on the spout while dropping a piece of wood and almost falling over at the same time. Elisabeth and Tina discover the leak and fix it. Bozo the Keith looks guilty. I'm not sure what the significance of this is since it goes absolutely nowhere. Colby returns to camp with his mom and her makeup. Tina tells us Colby's mom and her makeup hugged them and said, "This is a hug from home." Elisabeth cries and clings to Colby's mom and her makeup because they're "token loved one[s]" from home. She says she felt her whole family was there when Colby's mom and her makeup hugged her. Colby's mom and her makeup think the shelter is cruder than they expected. They don't want to sit on the ground and get dirty. Colby tells Bozo the Keith that the Yankees won the world series, and Tina realizes they can hear about current events from Colby's mom and her makeup. Elisabeth says she's realized that the world didn't stop without her. Suddenly Colby's mom and her makeup get up and retrieve a sack. According to Colby, they're like "Santa Claus" with care packages for everyone. Keith gets pictures of his family and chokes up; he has to walk away. It sounds like Tina says, "Look at my daughter's legs." Keith tells us it's really hard, even if there's only two days left. He's cute here -- kind of bashful. Tina tells Colby's mom and her makeup that they've raised a marvelous son. She says she wants her daughter to marry someone like him. Colby's mom and her makeup say they helped raise him but that ultimately "he came from a gene pool." Colby then says that the reunion was bittersweet because he knew the whole time his mom and her makeup were "gonna get taken away." Bozo the Keith promises to cook Colby's mom and her makeup a meal when he returns to the U.S. Like anyone wants a Bozo the Keith meal after the job this show's done on him. Colby wants his mom and her makeup to tell everyone at home how "skinny and hairy" he is. He seems really proud of it. Colby's mom and her makeup get on the helicopter and Colby tries to smile through his tears. If it were dark out, his teeth would guide the way home.
Back at camp, everyone says that Colby's mom was quite a woman. They say nothing about her makeup. Colby tells us he was lucky but now it's time to "shift gears." He says they have to go to Tribal Council "and get rid of one of those people, if not myself." And now the S4 play with their new toys: Colby got a Texas flag bandana. Bozo the Keith brushes his beard hair with a little comb. Colby tells us that his only loyalty is to Tina. Bozo the Keith combs his beard again.
At the challenge, Peachy announces that they've been there for 39 days and "[their] once-strong bodies are withering away." Nice! He says this challenge will test the sharpness of their minds. It's Outback Memory, people -- I'm not explaining it. Peachy then tells Colby, "This thing is molding itself to your neck" as he takes the immunity necklace from him. Bozo the Keith goes first and uncovers a femur bone and a nest. I do think this would be more confusing because they don't have an aerial view. Tina uncovers a wooden kangaroo and gourd. Elisabeth gets an emu egg and a wooden Kangaroo, leaving it wide open for Colby who gets the first match. It sounds like the Carmina Burana is playing in the background. Someone uncovers a flute -- I think they were strapped for material and bought all this stuff at the airport. Elisabeth then has the misfortune of uncovering the "'roo doo." Colby thinks it looks like "burnt marshmallows." After some "suspense," Colby gets his seventh match -- the jawbones -- and clinches the victory. Peachy calls Colby's neck the "permanent home" of the idol. He then does some more word-slurring when he says, "I dno how you're gonna vote, I dno how you're gonna figure this out, but you can head back to camp to think about it." Tina pats Elisabeth's shoulder as they head back. Or at least Tina pretends to pat Elisabeth on the shoulder as she really tapes on a "Vote for Me" sign.
Sad music plays. La la la. Elisabeth and Bozo the Keith admire a pair of kangaroos. Bozo the Keith grooms himself some more. He tells us it's "anybody's game." Colby and Elisabeth have a conversation which concludes with Elisabeth whining, "I don't wanna go!" Tina says that paranoia has set in for her and that when she see people talking, she gets concerned. We then see a watchful shot of Keith approaching the group, seeing something and abruptly turning around. We don't see what he saw or when he saw it -- it could be Colby taking his fourth shit of the trip for all we know. Colby tells us in an interview that it comes down to "strategy or philanthropy." That's a Mighty Big word for him to use. He says he can't decide if he wants a "righteous person" to win or if he wants the money badly enough to allow the possibility of a non-deserving person taking home the prize. He says he's been weighing this issue since the game began.
As the jury enters Tribal Council, it looks like Jerri smiles at Peachy but maybe she's just showing him her teeth in a territorial snit. Elisabeth hopefully looks for Rodger. Peachy, not surprisingly, wants to talk. He asks Tina whether she's frustrated to be unable to beat Colby. She says she's frustrated because he's won all the food but that she can't resent him for it -- instead, she admires him. Peachy asks Bozo the Keith if he still feels competitive. Hee. Bozo the Keith says he does. He's astonished to have lost 27 pounds, and says he's having trouble filling his tank up with gas. Peachy asks what impact the night's vote will have on the jury. Colby doesn't answer the question, really, but just goes on about how important the jury is. Oh, Rodger looks so sad and baby-faced. Colby continues, "You can maybe up your stock or cut your throat in the same night and you won't know until it's too late." Elisabeth takes jabs at the others when she says she votes on her gut and that she has a very strong conscience and that's the way she's been raised, which sounds to me like she's suggesting the others were raised wrong. She says, "I think about the right thing, and I do it." Because she's so much better than everyone else. Bozo the Keith votes for Elisabeth and says she's a wonderful person and he'd like his daughter to spend a day with her because she could learn a lot. He's definitely the most considerate voter. I don't hate Bozo the Keith; I just think he's way out of his league in this competition. We don't see Tina vote. We don't see Colby vote. Elisabeth votes for Bozo the Keith and snarks that although he's "calmed down [his] cockiness" he's still her vote. She says it's nothing personal. Except she just made it personal by calling him cocky.
The first vote is for Elisabeth; the second vote is for Bozo the Keith. When the third and fourth votes are for Elisabeth, she looks like she's trying not to cry. Tina hugs Elisabeth, but Elisabeth looks like she'd rather not be hugged by a person who just deprived her of a one in three chance of winning one million dollars. Elisabeth's voice cracks as she tells Tina to "try and wear that thing" as she points at Colby's necklace. Peachy tells them it's come to this: "Three days, two tribal councils, one winner." And one dork-ass host.
As we see the votes over the credits, we learn that Tina drew a little sad face while voting. Elisabeth tells us it's been the most trying experience of her life. With great humility she then explains, "They just didn't want me to get into the final two because I would have kicked some major butt in that situation." ["Which is the truth." -- Wing Chun] She's no Sue Hawk, but she's no Rodger Bingham either.