Last week on Survivor: Kucha had chickens and fish and brutally slaughtered pig, oh my. Ogakor headed to its third straight Tribal Council and disagreed to disagree: twice. Finally, Mitchell hugged Jerri and didn't catch on fire. He did head home, however. Maybe he'll write a song about it.
At Ogakor, Colby tells us they've been "hearing the trees explode and crash" and that smoke from the fire has overtaken them. Lamber's pretty eyes are watering, which she realizes is different than crying. Tina tells us it's been "an interesting morning." Lamber deadpans that losing Mitchell was a surprise, and Jerri tells us it was a "pretty dramatic evening" and that their "little group of common voters has been pretty much busted up." We then see Jerri and Lamber whispering, and the island definitely has an echo, because Lamber is repeating everything Jerri says. Meanwhile, Keith and Colby snuggle up in the tent and play backgammon. Lamber tells us that it "seems like since Tina was able to get Colby to sway his vote last time to vote for Mitchell, seems like maybe he, uh, might sway again to their side. But we're, um, almost kind of fighting over him." Jerri's wearing some new evil little glasses as Colby tells her that his vote at the Tribal Council was strategic. Jerri says she's not harboring bad feelings about it, and then shoots a catastrophic fireball his way. She tells Colby that they're most powerful if they vote the same. He insists that he is, for the time being, going to keep voting for the weakest contributor. Jerri says that that means it's pretty much the end of any alliance and Colby says, "Jerri, I don't care," with a fabulously tired and indifferent tone in his voice. Jerri plays with a little stick that looks an awful lot like beef jerky to me and then rubs it on her lips as Colby says that he is only concerned with winning the two immunity challenges. Jerri pouts, because the Texan auto customizer may be immune to the powers of her evil glasses of persuasion.
Kimmi greets Kucha's chickens with, "Good morning, stinkees." She tells us it was a tough night and that nobody slept. Jeff says he woke up and there was a hot coal on his shirt, and exclaims, "There was a little fire in my wooly!" Alicia repeats, "Fire in my wooly!" and says, "That's not the first time I heard that," which means nothing to me but was still pretty funny. The tribe has a light moment here until Jeff points out that the coal could have landed on Alicia's face, and she thinks about it for a second before responding, "Okay. That's not funny." Jeff tells us the fire was "popping coals" onto the tribe throughout the night and will need to be moved. This may mark Jeff's first ever comment lacking sarcasm, bitterness, and just plain bitchiness.
Kucha appears to be getting along famously with each other, while Kimmi appears to be getting along famously with the chickens. They succeed in moving the fire, and Rodger tells us it's going to be a cold night; he then announces that it's "chicken killing time." We learn that Kucha wasn't able to eat all of Babe, so it's time for Chicken #1 -- will it be Polly, Henrietta, or Ruby? As Rodger sharpens the hatchet at Alicia's insistence, Kimmi keeps the chickens company, peeking in and poking at them, calling them "ladies" and "brilliant hens." Mike tells us in a confessional, "I tell Kimmi, 'For your own self-preservation, let go of the chicken thing. Stop talkin' about 'em. Stop getting involved.'" We then see Nick tell Kimmi the butchering is imminent and she walks off with, "That's my cue. See you later. Bye!" Mike continues in his confessional, "Stop making a big spectacle when you leave. 'Oh! You're butchering the chickens. I'm out of here. Dah dah dah dah dah.'" During the "dah dah dah" part of the speech, Mike waves his hands around and acts like he's dancing, and suddenly I decide that the challenge should be which tribe's members can do the chicken dance for the longest. I see Rodger prevailing. Mike then tells us that Kimmi's behavior is "too theatrical" and "too much" but last week he put on a one-man production of Lord of the Flies so he's not one to be talking. I notice that as Kimmi walks off, she's carrying a bookmarked book and not her Scrabble board. Mike tells us with no drama whatsoever, "I'm ready. I feel the need to shed some blood." As the tribe gathers around to watch the slaughter, Rodger announces, "I don't enjoy killing animals, neither. I don't, really." Elisabeth says maybe she'll do it time but I don't believe her. As the tribe barbecues Polly, we see Kimmi sprawled across a log looking upset while dramatic new age-y music plays in the background -- perhaps the latest Enya song, "They're Eating Someone's Mommy."
Ogakor eats rice, and Amber tells us the food situation could be better and that they're definitely not eating as much as the other tribe. As evidenced by Mitchell. Jerri tell us "the whole hunger thing" has been a "huge hurdle" for her. And also that it's been a hurdle for her in the past as well, when she's been going for her daily cappuccino and nearly stumbled over some damn homeless person. Jerri is pretending to do stuff and hoping someone else will take over the actual doing. She finally asks Keith for help "like her older sibling," he says, and I think she'd probably choose different words like, "like a rogue puppet," or something like that. Jerri is upset because they've been dumping fish guts near their camp, and she thinks the tribe is not catching fish because the fish are all full from feasting on their brothers, sisters, parents, and friends. She harasses Keith until he agrees to bury the fish downwind of the camp, and then she thanks him like she just won a major victory. As Keith buries the fish, he irritably mumbles in conversation with himself that, "It's not that big of a deal. Apparently, it was. Fish, and they're all buried. Dead fish." Keith then tells us he doesn't stand up to Jerri very much because it's too exhausting. Jerri tells us being hungry bothers her. Duh.
Back at Kucha, Kimmi says she thinks the tribe should conserve its chickens. Alicia immediately gets in her face and says they need protein every day. Suddenly, it's Springer Break at the Kucha camp. Kimmi wants to know "what the hell's up [Alicia's] butt," and Alicia starts in with the finger-waving in Kimmi's face. Elisabeth just stands there in the middle of it. Kimmi tells Alicia not to wave her finger in her face and Alicia responds, "I will always wave my finger in your face," which is some kind of threat. ["And was unanimously voted the catchphrase of 2001 by all present in Wing and Glark's living room. Djb, is your finger still waving? 'Cause it better be." -- niki] Basically the argument centers around Alicia being "tired of [Kimmi] and the fuckin' chickens." Alicia storms off and Kimmi seems overwhelmed. In a confessional, Alicia tells us she doesn't "really appreciate [Kimmi] to begin with," but that she tried to walk away from the situation before it "potentially turned ugly," but that Kimmi wouldn't let her. She says it "made me wanna just run up and grab her by the throat, but I, I had to keep my wits about me." Common sense dictates, however, that in order to maintain one's wits, one must have wits to maintain in the first place. Jeff is upset because he missed the drama, and Alicia repeats that she never liked Kimmi and that when Kimmi "jumps on me, I will go at her guns loaded." Alicia, who did all the jumping, doesn't need guns against Kimmi.
Kimmi tells us that she's a big girl and she's not too attached to the chickens and that Alicia has always had problems with her, which seems to be the truth. She tells us that she merely suggested they not eat three chickens and a pig "back to back." We then get a "She Said / She Said," scenario which goes back and forth between the two parties talking about each other. Kimmi says Alicia is very critical and condescending, and "I will not be treated, um, you know, like a jerk-off." Alicia continues to tell the story to Elisabeth and Jeff, but she omits all the finger-waving parts. She continues storming around and says, "If you're gonna make sense, you can say whatever you want to me. But if you're not gonna make sense keep your mouth shut." Jeff gleefully says that he knows the explosion was coming and, "Kimmi was befriending the chickens, and giving them names, and petting them. And, um, Alicia just had no patience. Alicia doesn't have a lot of patience for anybody, really." Elisabeth tells us, "Alicia is in charge of telling people to do things. Alicia is also in charge of talking trash about people," and giggles. Alicia then announces that she's going to "live and let live," because they have to work together. If "live and let live" means "continually harping on the subject." Kimmi says that since they're on the same team, they at least have to keep their poker faces on. As we go to commercials, we cut to a clip of Alicia making a decidedly un-poker face.
Peaceful music plays at Kucha on the morning of Day 14. Nick tells us, "Last night was really, really cold." Rodger looks like Bruce Springsteen as he gets out of the tent. I know it sounds unlikely but he does. They all stare at the fire, which can't be too hot because there are ants swarming on one of the logs.
Elisabeth washes something in the river while Kimmi watches. People like to watch Elisabeth wash things. Kimmi then tells us, "The water here grosses me out more than anything. It's crocodile creek, and food and bathroom to fish and crocodiles and birds and bats and you know all kinds of algae and bacteria and it's just, I dunno, I just find it to be incredibly gross." Oh, those nature-loving vegetarians. Michael tells us that he doesn't know if she's been in the water once, and that the dirt is starting to stick to her. He says that when the other girls put on different tops they have tanlines, but that "when Kimmi changes shirts, she has a dirtline." This is followed by a montage of tanlines vs. dirtlines. We then see an exchange between Kimmi and Michael in which Kimmi says she's filthy because she was carrying tree stumps, and that she washed just yesterday. Michael says Kimmi got defensive about his suggesting she was filthy and then tells her, "If I had a booger hangin' out of my nose and you told me about it, I would say 'thank you.' I wouldn't get all mad at you." And how old is Michael? Michael then tells Kimmi that they're all dirty as we see Rodger sniff his shirt and make a funny face.
Meanwhile, Elisabeth gets the clue and it's a "big one." Nick asks if it's a FedEx. Elisabeth says, "It's a package. It's like a book," and tells the others to "check this thing out." I guess books are to Elisabeth what eggs are to Alicia. Elisabeth sounds out her words and reads like a fifth-grader. Nick knows a "travois" is a stretcher -- a three-sided one. The clue promises "clean teeth and shampoo," which makes Elisabeth squeal. It turns out the mysterious book is actually a Target catalogue, and the team gets to pick two items to receive if they win the challenge. After rejecting boxers and slippers, they settle pretty easily on blankets and spices. Then, Kimmi points at the book and says, "Travois. They're using a French word," as if she just figured it out. Everyone else says, "It's a stretcher," but they needed Nick to tell them that five minutes ago. Rodger and Alicia lead the travois-building and just assume that Elisabeth will be riding in it. They pick her up in it and Elisabeth exclaims, "Wheeeee!" as if being lifted very slowly off the ground in a stretcher is fun. Get this girl to an amusement park. Rodger is very careful to lower her down nicely -- aw. Elisabeth then tells us she thinks Ogakor is determined to "pull it together really well," and that Kucha has to go out there, "as if we're facing a tribe just as strong as we are."
At Ogakor, Jerri bosses everyone around and snots at Colby when he makes an alternate suggestion. Colby compliments her work in an attempt to appease her but Jerri responds, "No. I don't see what you're saying." Jerri asks Tina and Lamber to try to pick up the newly built travois, and they just ignore her completely. Lamber braids her wool, I mean, hair. Jerri is frustrated that no one will help her and so she "grabbed the bull by the horns." Keith tells us he's more patient than Colby but he can tell when Colby's agitated because he will just "walk away from it, and just take a breath." We then see Colby walking away, and presumably taking several breaths. Jerri appears to have argued Keith into submission. Lamber is Ogakor's assumed passenger; she keeps her knees bent and her legs at a ninety-degree angle, which can't be very aerodynamic. After practicing a few times, Keith drops his end of the travois with Amber on it, causing her to completely fail to react. Colby says that the toughest challenge for the tribe is to come into it "guns blazing, ready to rock."
At the challenge, we see that CBS has wasted more of its money on fake medical rescue tents with cots and bottles of antiseptic, disinfectant, and "mercurochrome." Peachy tells the tribes, "If you get hurt, you are a long way from help," and that they need to learn to depend on each other. The challenge is called "triage." Two members from each tribe are rescuers and three are victims. The three victims are assigned waiting places and the rescuers must retrieve them. As soon as a victim is rescued and carried back to the tent, he/she is healed and can participate in further rescuing. Two Kucha members must sit out, and they decide on Rodger and Kimmi. Peachy announces that the winning tribe gets the Target choices of both teams, and that Ogakor chose soup mix and spices. Also, Target has thrown in some other things, and the tribes ooh and ah over the toothbrushes and shampoo. Lamber looks at Jerri when they find out the winners get deodorant, and I guess you can take the girl out of the cesspool, but you can't take the cesspool out of the girl.
Keith and Colby are Ogakor's initial rescuers, and Nick and Michael are Kucha's. At first, I think Kucha has the smarter method because they put their strong people up front: first they retrieve Jeff, then Alicia, then Elizabeth. But then I realize that Tina is Ogakor's strongest member. So it seems like Ogakor is pretty much fated to lose this challenge, even though Michael repeatedly drops his Jeff-heavy end of the travois. On Ogakor's second leg, Tina runs ahead and physically turns Lamber around to await the stretcher. Maybe Lamber's like Bernie. As in Weekend At. I guess to add to the suspense, we get an underwater camera shot complete with the gurgling water noises. Kucha's ahead most of the time, but the tribes kind of collide at the end when they go to pick up Jerri and Elisabeth. Jerri tries to boss Michael out of her way. Kucha wins and Ogakor just drops Jerri, but not nearly hard enough. Kucha rejoices over their cute new blankets. Does anyone know where I can get some of those? Lamber starts crying and dramatic loser music ensues. She tells us, "I'm so tired of losing," and Tina pats her on the head and says, "Don't let 'em break your spirit." And then she says under her breath, "If you had any in the first place, Lamber."
Back at camp, Colby tells us he's frustrated with losing and that "if we don't turn up the heat and turn this runaway train around, it might be a meltdown for the Colbster." Why would the Colbster want the heat turned up, if he's going to have a "meltdown"? Tina tells us it's not about what's lost, but about losing. We see shots of reclining Ogakor members and a strange shot of Keith laying in the tent with some weird white multi-fingered thing between his legs. Seriously, if you have this episode on tape, check it out and send me your interpretation in an email with the subject line, "What's between Keith's legs?" The rushing blue sky camerawork here looks like it was borrowed from a Skittles commercial.
Kucha parties down with their spices. Alicia tells us that winning the reward challenge, though not as big a deal as immunity, is "definitely another nail in the coffin." Jeff says, "I don't mean to sound evil, but it's all about kicking somebody's ass." You don't have to mean to sound evil to actually be evil. Alicia says the Ogakor tribe was a graceful loser. Of course, they have had some practice at it. Jeff tells us in a confessional that other Kucha members were talking about how bad they felt for Ogakor and says, "Screw it. I mean, chop their heads off; chop their legs off. This is a game and I'm ready to beat every one of 'em." He then repeats this sentiment to his tribe, adding that he'll feed Ogakor's eyeballs to Mike. The team suddenly decides that they all stink, and Alicia says she doesn't know what to do with herself in light of their newly acquired supplies. Clean herself comes to mind. Mike says they all smell but, "Thank God we won that challenge so that we can bathe Kimmi." Fun calypso bath-time music and frolicking ensues. Rodger happily soaps up his armpits and head and Kimmi cleans her breasts. Michael tells us that some of them got more soaped up than others because some of them bathed more than others. He's kind of stuck on this one. Our final shot is of Kimmi swirling around and reveling in the water, and the words "You're leaving soon, Kimmi" appear suddenly on the water in big, fluorescent soap bubbles.
At Ogakor, Lamber and Colby come back from checking the mail and Jerri looks at them suspiciously. Amber reads the clue aloud, which is about being "rats in the maze," and the prize is "better than cheese." What's better than cheese? Fried things! Lamber calls a pep talk and says their minds and their hearts are going to get them through the challenge, and she puts a lot of pressure on their minds since they don't have hearts. She then says, "Just make sure that you don't doubt your heart and your mind about today." If she's not repeating Jerri, she's repeating herself. Colby tells us they need to check their inhibitions at the door. Along with their excessive use of metaphors.
Suddenly, we see two giant mazes scarring the Outback landscape. Jeff refuses to hand over the idol and Just Peachy wrestles it from him. Peachy proudly tells the S12 -- in the most useless corruption of a natural habitat yet -- the mazes took "forty-six tons of lumber; three miles of burlap; two weeks to build." Each maze is identical and contains five numbered checkpoints. Working as a unit, the group has to collect the medallions in order. He kindly adds, "It's about 110 degrees today -- should work up a nice lather." Because there's no obvious advantage or disadvantage, according to Peachy, Kucha will run with the full seven. Seems like a disadvantage to me, keeping seven people together in a maze as opposed to five.
Each team does a cheer and heads off into the maze where we all hope Jerri will be lost forever. I wonder if the rules forbid them from lifting a team member to see over the maze walls. The teams run around and pretty much demonstrate the opposite of teamwork. Kucha prefers talking about navigating the maze to actually navigating the maze. At one point, Tina gets away from Ogakor and is just running back and forth divided from them by a wall until Colby turns the whole tribe around to follow her. With their five medallions, they haul ass out of the maze and scramble to the finish line, with no knowledge of where Kucha is. At this point, we see how desperately Ogakor wanted to win. As the team celebrates, Peachy says, "Yesterday, sittin' in the water, Amber, tears rollin' down your face, you said, 'I'm sick of losin'.'" Amber strips off her sunglasses, flips her hair, and drones, "Do you see any tears right now? If there were, there'd be tears of joy." I think she might be flirting through her hypothetical tears.
Morning dawns at Kucha and Jeff tells us that Kucha is "not the family [they] appear to be," and that there's animosity among the tribe. I don't know who could possibly think this tribe resembled a family. The Manson family, maybe. Jeff tells Alicia, "That's a name I'm gonna be happy to write down," but we don't hear whose name, although we can make an educated guess. Michael tells Kimmi he's not in Alicia and Jeff's pact and Kimmi looks relieved. Alicia tells us that Kimmi's eviction makes the most sense. Rodger says it could be an interesting Tribal Council because the others assume he's voting for Kimmi, but that that's most likely not the case. He then says, "The only person I keep my word with out here is Elisabeth, and I think she's the same way towards me." Better be. In the boat with Mike and Rodger, Elisabeth is upset that Alicia is bitching about Kimmi behind her back; she says Alicia should tell Kimmi directly because she doesn't wanna hear it. Rodger tells us in a confessional that they were talking about voting off Alicia -- they'd miss her because she's a good cook and she's athletic, but "there might be a little more harmony around, too." We then get shots of various Kucha members with slow-motion plotting faces.
At Tribal Council, Peachy asks Michael whether he is still leader of the tribe. Michael says that everyone has had different leadership roles and that everyone has contributed equally. He then rubs the brown stuff off his nose. It suddenly starts to pour and Peachy says, "There go the caps," as if wearing a hat has some deep dark significance. Peachy calls out Alicia and says, "For me, looking in, I would say you seem to be a strong leader of this tribe, as well." Alicia giggles bashfully and says she's a motivator, not a leader, and that she likes to make sure everyone's on the same page, and if they're not on the same page, she uses her index finger to point that out to them. She says that motivating people is her strength while Kimmi smirks and feels motivated to do some finger pointing of her own. Peachy says, "Kimmi, I've seen you in action," and we assume he doesn't mean her breast-cleaning action. She says, "Every day you feel close to somebody and then you feel a little bit separated, and it's weird." Peachy shows Kucha the four extinguished torches and calls Michael to vote first, but we don't see whom he votes for. Kimmi votes for Jeff and says, "This really should be Alicia but I hear other people are voting for Jeff." Oh, how sad. Alicia votes for Kimmi and says, "She and I have not gotten along from the beginning and the whole food thing is really becoming an issue; it separates her from the rest of the tribe so I think it's time to let her go." Elisabeth and her head-dress vote but we don't see for whom as she says, "We need to keep our tribe strong and there's too much split goin' on. So for a strong Kucha, it's the best vote." We see Alicia during this, so we're supposed to think that's whom Elisabeth voted for. Peachy leaves to tally the votes and reminds them that the decision is final. First vote for Kimmi, who smiles and seems resigned, as her name continues to be read. And read. And read. Until she gets her fourth vote. She whines in her best The Nanny voice, "Okay. Bye guys." Peachy says, "The tribe, and Mother Nature, have spoken." Kimmi tells the others, "Go get 'em," but I'm guessing she means the other tribe, not all the other Babes and chickens in the outback. Peachy merrily sends the tribe off in the rain with the kind words, "Have a good long walk home." We're then instructed to stay tuned for Kimmi's words and scenes.
week on Survivor: the unthinkable happens at the Kucha camp -- the same exact baby alligator plops off the same exact log as it did two weeks ago!
Over the credits, Kimmi tells us she knew for a long time that her head was to Ruby's on the chopping block and that she stayed true to her morals. She says that if Kucha needed to vote her off, then "power to the team." It's a loss for chickens and pigs everywhere. Tofu, better watch your back.