Red Herrings and Red Hands

Thunderstorms greet Kucha as they hike home from Tribal Council after unanimously voting off Kimmi. All of heaven's pigs and chickens must be crying. When the tribe arrives at camp, they discover that their fire went out in the storm. Rodger tells us they had to find their warmest or driest clothes when they got back, and that a lot of them wore their pajamas to Tribal Council, which was a mistake. Jeff tells us it sucks as things for Jeff mostly do. Elisabeth says there's nothing worse than being cold and wet but I can think of several things -- including being burned and wet -- that challenge that statement. She then giggles and says, "Stick a fork in me," which I always thought referred to overeating. As the camp goes to sleep in their rainy shelter, Jeff says, "Goodnight, Jim Bob," which is a reference to The Waltons I think, and not to Rodger, who would make a good Jim Bob. We then see an ominous shot of the tribe's "Welcome Home" sign.

Mike tells us on the morning of Day 16 that it's amazing that "eight city people" can live off the land and that his outlook on life has changed 180 degrees. He then says, "And I'm this kind of guy. I'm this guy. You know, this should be nothing to me." He says that if he lasts another sixteen days, "Who knows what's gonna happen to me?" and then a little piglet runs by with a sign tied to it's tail that says, "We know what's gonna happen to you." Alicia tells us that they've started to think ahead to the merger, which is four days off. Jeff tells us that the game started with sixteen people and so far they've voted off six. Nick then continues the explanation by saying that Kucha has six remaining team members and Ogakor has five, and that if they win the challenge they'll enter the merger six to four. At this point I become convinced that Friends must be a repeat tonight and so they're explaining what's happened thus far to the three new viewers. Jeff tells us Kucha is cocky and, "It's fun to beat them and make fun of it. It's fun to have them talk about how hungry they are and us to go in there and win all their food. That's fun!" What about tearing out their eyeballs and feeding them to Mike, Jeff? Because that's fun too!

At Ogakor, Jerri checks the tribe's flour rations in the company of Lamber and says, "I could get three tortillas out of that," but that instead she'll make two. Even though tortillas don't weigh much, I still don't enjoy being hit over the head with them. Amber is upset that the other team is eating eggs and Jerri calls them bastards for that. Jerri then says she "fear[s] she might go psycho" without chocolate. In a confessional she tells us that she had a discussion with Colby about chocolate and how it releases the same endorphins as sex, and that since none of them are having sex, it's probably why they keep talking about chocolate. I think it's really unfair that they put a graphic content warning before the "Mike falls into the fire" part of the show but in no way attempt to prepare us for the "Jerri talks about chocolate and sex" segment. I may never eat chocolate again.

In the tent, Jerri tells Lamber that she's going to bathe herself in chocolate when she returns; in response, Lamber says she'd like to bite into a backgammon chip because it's "like a peppermint patty." Lamber wasn't programmed -- I mean brought up -- to think about sex. She's Small Wonder Lamber. Jerri tells us in a confessional, "Right now I can actually, in my wildest fantasy, picture pouring hot chocolate all over some hot dude's bod, and having sex while licking it off at the same time." Ew. Hot chocolate? With or without the mini marshmallows? Seriously, these are details we don't need to know. Back in the tent Lamber gestures as to something chocolatey and Jerri bangs the backgammon board against her head repeatedly. But not repeatedly enough. Colby tells us he is irritated by the "moaning and groaning about Hershey kisses," and that we know what's really going on and "it ain't about the chocolate." Jerri and Lamber continue to squeal about vanilla ice cream with hot fudge "dripping all over the side" which causes more screaming and some bongo beating as well. Jerri and Lamber appear to be in competition regarding who can wear the most revealing, least practical pieces of clothing. Colby tells us the sex talk is "making for a very uncomfortable camping trip." Jerri then says in a confessional that Colby is afraid of her because the fantasy she has "about chocolate and sex definitely involves him." Maybe Colby is afraid of Jerri because she's evil. Just a thought. We then cut to another shot of Jerri and Lamber in the tent, and Jerri is beating on her bongos and shrieking that she can't take it anymore. Colby says, "I may be a lot of things but I ain't no Hershey bar," which seems to elicit laughter from the cameraman filming the confessional. Jerri and Lamber are still going on about candy bars and then Lamber yells out "meatball sub," which doesn't really involve chocolate, but Jerri screams that she loves those as well. Colby tells us, "Bring on Kucha, get rid of these goons, and let's get something going." Goons. Hee.

At Kucha camp, they discover that chicken feed is edible. Elisabeth is concerned that it's been stepped on by "other chickens," but Alicia tells us it's "true Kucha style" to utilize everything they can and that the chicken feed looks like "nuts and grains and corn and wheat and, you know, it just looked so good." It actually does look kind of good, in a nutty, grainy, corny, wheaty I'm-really-hungry-right-now sort of way. Michael burns his hands on the pan of chicken feed while discovering that it's "popping like popcorn" and then that "it IS popcorn!" Alicia comes over and says, "There's popcorn in this pan!" Michael then burns his feet and it looks like he blows on them to cool them off. It's not looking good for Michael and the burning things. Jeff says of the chicken feed, "I don't know. It's good, and I hated it. The whole thought of eating chicken feed just made me sick. But, the more I eat it the better it gets." We then see various shots of chicken feed-eating Kucha members. Jeff appears take feed directly out of Alicia's mouth -- pretty soon all the kids will be doing it. Body shots are so passé. Alicia says, "Do you love it?" and Jeff has a little orgasmic, "Oh, my God!" Alicia tells us they're addicted to the "chicken popcorn" and that they eat it in the morning, afternoon, and evening. She then says, "We're gonna find out, like, somewhere down the road that, like, something was in it and we're gonna have, like, eight nipples and lay eggs," but that until then it's so good she doesn't care about the consequences. Michael, who hasn't killed anything in a while, suggests that they kill the chickens so they don't eat anymore feed. Polly or Henrietta or Ruby looks outraged.

Back at Ogakor, Jerri and Lamber strut down the beach and Jerri hikes up her shorts to show more leg. Keith tells us that Jerri has decided they're going to have fried green tomatoes and points out that they're cherry tomatoes. We then cut to a shot of Jerri telling Keith, "I can tantalize our taste buds with fried green tomatoes this evening" and looking really proud of herself as usual. She then rubs her hands together and makes her Long Nosed Jerricoot face. The Long Nosed Bandicoot, by the way, is a rat-like creature that also squeals while pondering food. Keith says that fried green tomatoes aren't made with cherry tomatoes. My guess is something is made with cherry tomatoes, however, and since I haven't seen him trying to make that something, it's seems like a case of sour tomatoes. He says he wanted to let the green cherry tomatoes ripen on the vine, but that Jerri didn't listen to him. Jerri then calls Keith pessimistic and criticizes his rice-making skills and they get into it, though less finger-wavingly than Alicia and Kimmi did last week. Colby tells us that Keith and Jerri are "like two alley cats scratching at each other" and that's its ridiculous that the others have to sit through it. I think it's ridiculous, too, but not as ridiculous as Tina jumping in and yelling, "Stop it! Both of you! Or you're going to time out!" In a confessional she tells us that she's not their mother and that sending them to time out isn't her job. "To be honest," she says, "I think one of the problems needs to go." That problem is named Jerri and Tina is tired of walking on eggshells around her. At camp they're now eating the little fried green tomatoes. Colby says they taste just like okra and I think they look just like brussel sprouts. Neither makes then a particularly appealing entrée. Even if they are fried. Tina complains that they're sour and won't eat anymore which seems like kind of nitpicky behavior in light of the fact that they claim to be starving. Keith tells Tina, "The fried green tomatoes suck. I knew they would. Poor Colby stomached all of them, including mine. Told her they were great. 'Cause Colby is a gentleman. But I do not like 'em." I'm sure Keith was talking about the cherry tomatoes here, but it's edited so we think he's talking about Colby. Keith's monologues crack me up.

At Ogakor, Skelator -- I mean Jerri -- runs in her bathing suit to check the clue, which is about not "walking in the park" and being "afraid of the dark." One person will lead the tribe, and the winners will have a picnic while the "losers will have none." Lamber and Jerri are very excited about the picnic. As they return to camp, Jerri sprints ahead and Lamber runs behind her clutching her little bandeau top that won't stay up. Jerri says she's excited for real food and thinks there's going to be dessert. Lamber likes sandwiches, which reminds me of my husband's favorite song, which goes as follows:
Sandwiches are beautiful,
Sandwiches are fine.
I like sandwiches,
I eat them all the time.
I eat them for my breakfast
And I eat them for my lunch.
If I had a million sandwiches
I'd eat them all at once.
Once I met an old man.
He had a loaf of bread.
He saw that I had tuna fish
And this is what he said,
'You're tuna fish looks lonely
And my slice of bread is bare,
We could have some sandwiches
If you would care to share.'
So I said, sandwiches are beautiful,
Sandwiches are fine.

And it goes on. And yes I said "my husband." And no we don't have a child. He just likes his sandwiches, okay? Lamber announces that it's a "huge amount of food" to Tina, which seems like an assumption. That Lamber, going around making asses out of you and me. In relaying the clue, Jerri seems most excited about the "losers get[ting] none" part. Tina tells Lamber and Jerri that she's not afraid of the dark, and then tacks on "sister" in a failed attempt to sound hip. She should really just embrace her soccer mom-dom.

At Kucha, Elisabeth and Alicia hug each other because they're afraid of the dark. Nick attempts to interpret the clue by reciting it back to us word for word. He accurately determines that "one person will be leading the tribe through the dark." Kucha then practices. They actually practice. They blindfold themselves in a little conga line while Nick runs backwards in front of them and coaches them. Ogakor continues to just stand around talking about the clue. Over at Kucha, they're now walking around with their eyes closed and their arms out in front of them like B-movie zombies. Meanwhile, Jerri leads Ogakor, including Keith, in recreational yoga. It's a nice little montage of Kucha readying themselves while Ogakor does sun salutations. See what the editors are doing here? Jerri tells us it will suck if Kucha wins the reward and that she thinks "it would be really nice of them if they threw this one for us." But we all know they don't deserve to win the game because while they're busy downward dogging, Kucha is the team with heart. Got it?

Oh! That same baby alligator fell off that same log! Again! Will he never learn?

The teams arrive at the challenge and Peachy asks them "How goes it?" trying to sound all tribal. He then gives each team one of those Dureet Toes things Tina loves so much and they squeal and pass it around like it's made of gold. They also get a sip of Mountain Dew in a little cup, and Jerri yells, "Do the Dew, man!" hoping she'll steal the contract from Road Rules. Each team picks a leader as a set of eyes while the remainder of their team is blindfolded coached through a series of obstacles. Jerri and Nick are the eyes and they sit on "elevated perches" which are the lifeguard stands that were used in the first tower of fire challenge. The first challenge is to place a log on a sawhorse; the is to switch a trap on land with a trap in the water. The S11 must fill buckets from a "water tower" and dump the water into a wine barrel. When the wine barrel overflows, the final task is to pick up a picnic basket and place it on a picnic table. Although it's not made clear, it appears that the blindfolded competitors don't see or hear about the tasks before being blindfolded. Rodger sits out again, presumably to even out the numbers. Peachy starts the contest and chaos follows -- it's very difficult to follow the hows and whys of which team is winning. Jerri gives her team very useful hand signals, leading Lamber and Keith to get stuck in a bush. Nick favors yelling, "There you go! There you go! There you go!" to his team and that "there's a trap!" At first I think he means a trap as in a trick, and probably his teammates did too. But then we all realize it's a fishing trap and sigh in relief. Jerri yells to her team that "there's a trap on the table," which would be a fabulous clue if only they knew there was a table. Oh, and where it was. Ogakor's trap gets stuck around the table leg and Jerri yells some more useless clues to Colby to release it. She then yells, "You're gonna go in the water," when they're not even near the water, but when Kucha is near the water. Jerri's not terribly bad at this, but she's not good either. Nick's not much better -- they're like nightmare coxswains. Michael and Elisabeth cling to each other's hands and seem to really trust each other.

Ogakor catches up during the bucket challenge but we don't really know how, considering Colby and Tina are carrying the team because if there was something to run into, Lamber and Keith have done it. I don't think we see either of them even move. Jerri has her team go through most of the challenge backwards. Nick prefers the side shuffle. Maybe one of the tribes will soon do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around. Colby gets pissed at Jerri because she's giving directions to Keith and Lamber who have run into the sawhorse while he just stands there waiting for further instructions at the water pump. Jerri starts yelling at him and Tina, "Fill up your bucket!" She then tells them to, "Dump your thing in!" Nick is shouting so much he's lost his voice. I keep waiting for Rodger to see the light and sign out, "What am I doing here with these losers?" on Peachy's hand. Jerri then starts yelling at Colby to "fill the wheelbarrow!" She can see and she still can't tell a wine barrel from a wheelbarrow. The dramatic music begins to play as Ogakor's bucket overflows. Lamber gets to the team's picnic basket first, follows Jerri's voice to the lifeguard stand, and just freezes. Jerri tells her to go backwards and Lamber forgets to say "Mother May I?" and takes a few backwards steps so that may explain why she doesn't move for the rest of the competition. Lamber just keeps groping around without moving her feet and Jerri keeps yelling, "Lamber, behind you!" which obviously didn't help her the first ten times Jerri said it.

Meanwhile, Kucha has filled their bucket and is, as a team, rushing towards the picnic table with their basket. It's difficult to figure out where the rest of Ogakor is as Kucha rushes behind Lamber and puts their basket on the table. Peachy declares "the team with heart" the team with Dureet Toes, and Lamber peeks out from her blindfold to see how close she was. She then puts her blindfold back on. Rodger comes over and tells Kucha, "Y'all have no idea how close that was," and they probably didn't until they watched the episode. As Kucha dances while eating the Dureet Toes, Colby throws a bucket of water on Jerri. They use slow motion for this. I wish they'd rewound and sped through it and rewound and sped through it a few times because that would have saved me the effort of doing it on my own. Jerri tries to laugh it off like she's in on the joke, but Colby's really pissed. Really, if someone deserved a bucket of water being thrown on them, probably it was Lamber. But then again, maybe Colby thought Jerri would cackle and melt down into a little green puddle. The "picnic" consists solely of Dureet Toes and Mountain Do, which is really kind of sickening. I'd feel gypped. If feeling gypped were politically correct, that is. And "gypped" is in my spellchecker.

Graphic warning! Inappropriate for young viewers! Parental discretion advised! At Ogakor Day 18, Colby sleeps in a hat with fur earmuffs. We see an ominous shot of Keith starting the tribe's fire. Tina tells us, "It's a have-to-win day." Lamber says if they lose the challenge today, they "will be down four to six." She has to think really hard about the math. She announces that the other team "will probably pick [them] off one by one" as if that's a novel concept. Colby tells us the others are ready to "lay down and die" if they lose this challenge, but that it's "not happening with this kid." Jerri tells us there's a "weird tension" in the camp, which she needs to get away from. She is bothered that Colby only wants to think about the game, while Tina and Lamber prefer to braid each other's hair and reminisce about college. Meanwhile, no one is thinking about her, except maybe Mitchell back in New Jersey.

The "Survivor Medics" arrive and Alicia and Elisabeth walk Mike to the edge of the water where he remains hunched over to keep his hands submerged. At Thanksgiving this year, I was heating up some mashed potatoes in the microwave and they hadn't been in there very long. I decided to check to see if they were hot yet and so I dabbed my finger over the top of them. They were lukewarm. So I then plunged my index finger straight into the middle of the potatoes. And proceeded to burn the shit out of my finger. And it was just the part above the first knuckle. And it killed! I had to stand with my finger under the cold running water for like an hour, and then I had to wrap my finger up in a cold wet towel and sleep like that. And my finger, which barely blistered, still hurts to this day sometimes. So now if I've done anything besides revealing what a wuss I am, I've also demonstrated how painful even a minor burn can be. Poor Mikey. As Alicia pours water over his head, Mike tells the medic, "I messed up bad, buddy" and that he got a "big inhalation" of smoke. He then starts rambling that he'll take drugs or he won't take drugs -- that he'll do whatever the medics tell him to. He seems in desperate pain here and they stick something green in his mouth that may be oxygen or some kind of painkiller but looks like one of those things you wave around at a concert or at Disney World. We see more shots of his peeling hands. The medics wrap cold bandages around his hands and I feel a little better because hopefully Michael feels better.

The medics take Michael back to "Camera Camp" and lay him down on a cot where he just screams in agony. The other Kucha members huddle around. A helicopter arrives and the theme from Top Gun starts in. Not really, but it sounds like it. Rodger consoles Elisabeth as she cries. Mike is taken out on a stretcher and the six people carrying it surround him like pallbearers. Mike starts yelling "Kucha," through his painkillers and Alicia blows him a kiss. They're all saying "Bye, baby," and crowd around the stretcher. Mike's upset because he can't see Rodger. And then he's upset because he can't see Elisabeth. At this point, I think Mike's seeing Scooby Doo and Verne Troyer he's so high. He then says, "I'm lookin' at some brave beautiful people who I just have grown to love so much" and that they "know what to do." They tell him they love him, too. The helicopter takes off and the remaining Kucha members just stare at it and look sad. A fly lands on Nick's face. The Kucha members cover their eyes and wave as the helicopter takes flight. Rodger doesn't realize he's supposed to wave until he looks at Nick. Various Kucha members hug each other. Jeff hugs Alicia. Rodger hugs Elisabeth. And then Nick hugs Elisabeth and wishes she'd go and wash something so he can watch.

At Ogakor, Jerri checks the treemail and says, "Oh, no," in a very unconvincing voice. She then musters a more convincing "Oh my God." Ogakor cheers as Jerri heads back to camp with what they think is a clue until she says, "It's a little disturbing." She then reads, "There has been an accident at the Kucha camp and one of their members has been evacuated. As a result there will be no immunity challenge today and all five of you will continue to the merge." Lamber bleats an "Aaahhh Maaaaahhh Gaaaad" with happiness in her voice before she realizes this is supposed to be a sad moment. She contains herself for about one minute and then starts wondering what it means for the merger. She also says she hopes the injury wasn't a snakebite. Keith and Colby seem sincerely concerned.

Back at Kucha, Elisabeth tells us it was "strange" and "hard" as they were telling Mike good-bye and that the second he was gone they "decompressed." She tells us through tears that as the tribe gathered around, "his eyes were just locked on [ours]. Locked." Rodger tells us that unless "somebody jumps boat in middle stream, which is possible," that they're going to stick together as a team. He says that Mike's accident has taught some of them that there're more important things than the million dollars. Jeff tells us that the merger will be intense and that Ogakor must feel relieved. He says, "I mean, I think they're good people. And I think that they're gonna feel bad and sincerely have compassion for us and for Mike," but that because they didn't see, experience, and hear it for themselves, the feeling of "oh my goodness" will be replaced quickly with relief. He tells us Kucha wasn't going to lose that night's challenge and so they would have merged ahead, but now they'll go into it even. Then, since he's gone about ten minutes without threatening to kill or eat the other tribe, Jeff says, "We're gonna kill 'em. We're gonna eat 'em up and spit 'em out and that's the way Mike would want it to be." Jeff tells us that was the last thing Mike said to them, and I wonder if he used those exact words. Elisabeth has borrowed Jerri's funky glasses in honor of the serious occasion while the team cooks rice and looks pensive. Through gently filmed candlelight, Rodger blesses the food and prays that the Lord will be with Mike and with the doctors to "fix his hands so that they will once again be returned to normal." He asks for blessings for Mike and his family, and also for the "ones remaining" in Kucha. We end with a quiet team moment and an "Amen."

And then a bright, cheery Peachy voice pierces the silence and tells us to stay tuned for scenes from week's episode and Michael's last words. I mean final words. I mean parting words.

time on Survivor: The tribes merge and have champagne for the occasion. According to Jeff, it has begun.

Mike tells us that winning will be anticlimactic and that he's sorry to leave. Except it sounds to me like this confessional was done before Mike's accident in a standard confessional. In any case, by all accounts Mike is now healthy and fully recovered. So why is it still so hard to mock him now?