Props to Wing Chun, Glark, and Omar G, who spectacularly closed out last season while I spluttered to my honeymoony non-finish. Anti-props to Entertainment Weekly, who borrowed (translation: stole) my prize concept -- Talking Rudy Doll -- and used it, and poorly so, in their "Best of 2000" issue. Boo to big guys who pick on little guys. I'm over it. Can you tell? Welcome back, all, and a big whew-hoo to the Ravens! I think that's it.
Just Peachy has a new shirt in honor of the new season. It's blue, not khaki, and miracles never do cease. But don't worry -- he's still Just Peachy, and more so than ever! We see a plane flying over the Outback and lots of outback-y scenery. I'm already wondering how many times I'll use the word "outback" this year. Not possibly as many times as Just Peachy will.
Peachy announces that the new S16 are riding in a special plane "on loan from the Royal Australian Air Force," and I guess we should be happy that the Australian military has nothing better to do with their rescue planes than loan them to hokey American television programs. Peachy explains the concept of Survivor, and for the three people in America who haven't heard of this show, I'll sum it up: sixteen people get dumped in some godforsaken place, vote one person off every week, until all that's left is an overweight, naked homosexual named Richard, who then wins a million dollars. Got it? As Peachy explains this concept in a more verbose way, the plane-cam scans the interior and we see various shots of the ill-, irritated-, bored-. sleepy-, and noble-looking sixteen contestants. As Peachy recites for the billionth time, "Forty-two days; sixteen people; one Survivor," the camera pans away, and we see that he is perkily perched on the open tail-end of the plane. Some of our very own posters hoped for a perky little accident in the form of something resembling peach cobbler, but it didn't happen.
They haven't changed the theme song except to add some minor Australian-like sounds. I'm assuming they're Australian-like, but I don't really know what that is. ["There is definitely a digeridoo." -- Wing Chun] In any case, I was happy to hear the familiar oh-wey-oh-ing, and in the past few Survivor-deprived months, I'm not ashamed to admit, I occasionally rewound my Survivor tapes just to hear it again and chant along with it. As the S16 make their dramatic credit appearances, and as I watch repeatedly to assign faces to names, I notice that only Debb, Jerri, Rodger, and Maralyn get one shot each, while the others have at least two different shots. Clue or coincidence? Time will be the judge.
As we return from the commercial, we get another shot of the special plane. Peachy must have been doped up on some serious Dramamine -- he's just as peachy as ever, while one survivor prays and two others revisit breakfast. As the plane prepares to land, we see a shot of two solitary kangaroos, one of which is standing at attention and appears to be watching the plane intently, although for all we know this is footage from a National Geographic special, spliced in for effect. Then, as the engines roar, we see what's probably an entirely different kangaroo high-tailing it away from the big scary plane, but if it's anything like the last time around, the 'roo is high-tailing it away from the big scary people inside the plane. Peachy then tells us that the S16 aren't allowed to speak to each other until the plane has dumped them in their new home. Each team has five minutes to salvage what they can from a crate of supplies on the ground, and then must hike five miles "deep into the Outback."
The first team is blue-wearing Kucha, and consists of Kimmi, an excessively made-up bartender who has thrown her hat in the ring to usurp the title of "Most Annoying Television Kimmi Ever" from Kimmy Gibbler of Full House fame; Michael, a father who does something or other with software, and if we didn't catch that he's a father from Peachy's voice-over, there's some footage of Michael in his backyard with some cute little kids jumping on a trampoline in the background. Alicia is a buff trainer. Rodger is sweet-faced, older, and straight out of American Gothic, sans the scowling. Elisabeth is a footwear designer. Debb is a very non-deb corrections officer. Jeff, an "internet project manager," is cocksure and reminds me of Liev Schreiber. ["I'll bet when he returns from the outback he'll learn he's been laid off, along with the rest of the world." -- Wing Chun]
Ogakor will always wear green, and it also appears that Maralyn, a retired police inspector, will always wear coral, as that appears to be the color of her luxury item lipstick. Colby is an "auto customizer," and Amber is a administrative assistant from Beaver, Pennsylvania. ["Hee hee, 'beaver'!" -- Wing Chun] Mitchell is a seven-foot-tall singer-songwriter. Tina is a mother and nurse who looks like Darva Conger crossed with Dr. Laura with a little early Brady years Florence Henderson thrown in. Emeril...I mean "Keith," is a chef. Jerri is an aspiring actress and Stayfree Stillman lookalike. Kel, who is very cute but apparently mute, is an army intelligence officer. ["He's the one with the tenuous Canadian connection." -- Wing Chun]
The plane finally takes off, and as the pilot heaves a sigh of relief, the survivors start tearing into the crates. Alicia and Amber get off to a good start by proving they are literate, as they locate and announce instructions for their teams. Kucha looks rightfully unhappy about their name, and Ogakor masters theirs pretty quickly. Debb gets off to a bad start by not bothering to learn Rodger's name (don't worry, Debb, you won't have to remember these names much longer) and calling him "Green Hat" instead, which reminds me of my college roommate Anna who had a crush on this cute guy whose name we didn't know and who we used to refer to as "The Green Hat," because he always wore one. Chaos ensues as the tribes dig into their crates and Maralyn asks when she can pee. That may bode well for Mad Dog in the end, since Richard was concerned about performing the same bodily function in the first episode of the first season.
Peachy tells us that the camps, which each have a flag and a canoe, are four miles apart along the Hebert River. As they set out on their hike, Ogakor passes an Epcot Center dinosaur skeleton exhibit which Mark Burnett strategically placed in their path. At Kucha, Alicia's claws come out first, as she tells the camera that Nick was designated keeper of the compass, and that although it said one way, "he kept goin' the wrong way," and Nick is so The Mole. Debb tries to take control of the group, but isn't attractive enough to merit anyone's attention. Plus, she's rude. Nick tells us that Kimmi's already declared that she can't stand Debb. We then see Kimmi and Debb have a little tiff over which direction is north. Kimmi, looking like Jenna with bigger breasts, tell us in a confessional that Debb means well, but that she wouldn't "twalk" to her on the outside world: "She'd make me crazy." We learn that Tommy Hilfiger dropped by the island with a pair of plaid pajama pants for Kimmi.
Then it's time for the voting. Peachy advises Kucha to write in "big, clear letters." Debb votes for Jeff and says she loves him about one hundred times. She also says she went into the competition planning on always voting for the weakest person, in the noble yet stupid belief that the strongest survive. Didn't she watch the first season? We don't see anyone else until Rodger, who says he voted for "her" for "no real reason, actually," except that "someone had to go." The camera focuses on Elisabeth here, so we're supposed to think he voted for her. Finally, Kimmi votes for Debb because she's "just not what I need," which is as good a reason as any, and more honest. Jeff goes to "tally" the votes, which really means "rearrange for dramatic effect," and returns to read the very anticlimactic results. The first two votes are for Debb, whose eyes look like they're about to bug out of her head. The vote is for Jeff. And then three more for Debb, at which point Peachy stops the counting and sends Debb and her eyeliner packing. Or maybe she'll leave the eyeliner (and the case!) behind for the good of the tribe. In any case, this felt really dirty -- not because I care about Debb, but because it seemed so personal. They voted her off because they didn't want her around, and they made no excuses otherwise. Debb, looking dazed, tells the others to "do good" and "kick ass." Kimmi cries herself some crocodile tears.
week, Survivor moves to Thursday, and already "tensions are rising." Jerri calls someone a "liar and a cheat," and Kimmi "can't do it."
As the credits roll, Debb tells us, "I wouldn't have minded if I had fallen during the competition, if I was lazy, if I wasn't a team player." She says that had Jeff counted all the votes it would have been seven to one, and she's right -- we see all the others' votes as she speaks. Debb is disenchanted by the game, and says that she thought mental toughness and physical ability would surmount, but that "none of that mattered." And that's the last we hear from Debb. Until she appears in Playboy, that is. And I'll leave you, my friends, with that.