The details sometimes vary, but the structure of the dream is always the same. I am struggling in a body of cold, salty water. I struggle to get out of the heavy clothes I'm wearing and break to the surface to breathe air. I somehow make it to the shore, where sand crabs stare and the rough turf of the beach scratches my legs and chest.
A man in a pair of khaki shorts that look like they've been worn for at least thirteen weeks in a row greets me. He looks familiar. Like a game-show host from some second-rate music channel. He hands me a Budweiser beer and gives a knowledgeable explanation as to why product placement is so necessary to make a successful television show. Thirsty, I take the beer and drink deeply. Something squirms in my mouth and I spit it out. The game show host had slipped me a bottle full of puffy beetle larvae. I run away.
A crowd of people stops me. They circle around. One of them, a craggy woman who has the demeanor of a professional truck driver, whispers to the others, "We should leave 'im out for da vultures ta pick at 'im." A Ken Doll of a man who looks none too bright winks at me and says, "Hey, man, I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." There are more than a dozen of them -- dirty, smelly and unpleasant. They begin to part as one man, his face in shadow, approaches me. I try to stand, but my legs fail and I am on my knees. He comes forth, turns, and drops his shorts. His large, hairy ass looms large, blotting out the sun, blotting out all that is real. His sphincter is playing the "do de do dee do dee do" opening strains of the Survivor: Season One theme. The ass approaches me, pulling me in to its hairy orbit.
That's when I wake up screaming.
My therapist, (played by Lorraine Bracco) asks me what I think the dream means.
"Every time I think I've gotten away from this show, it keeps pulling me back in!" I cry.
"Save the dramatics," she says softly. "I understand you wrote several recaps of this television show for a website last summer. How did that make you feel?"
"Confused. Frightened. I still have nightmares."
"Maybe you should confront these fears. Go back to the island, as it were. I have a friend in the entertainment industry; he sometimes has access to home videos as they appear on the market. Are you familiar with the DVD version of Survivor that's just been released?"
"I try not to think about it."
"I really think you should have a look at this," Dr. Melfi says, handing me a copy of a DVD with the Survivor logo emblazoned on the front. A portly man in silhouette holds a torch on shallow water.
"Are you insane? You want me to go back? Look at Colleen's bitten-up legs? Endure Sean's quarter-wittedness? Unleash my hatred for all that is Sue?"
"I think this could help you. I think it could end the nightmares."
I shake my head. The fear again. Was I ready to risk my sanity again? Could I stare, unshaken, at the Ass of Hatch and remain uncorrupted by its evil influence?
I took the DVD home. I kept the phone nearby, Dr. Melfi's cell phone number set on the speed dial. Slipped the DVD in. Took a deep breath. Said a silent prayer.
The DVD first greets viewers with a menu playing the theme song (Richard Hatch Ass Flashback #1) as the background displays a fly-around of the island that was the setting for so much drama, laughter, and pain last summer. Small boxes on the menu screen show flashes of island locales, faces of Survivor Contestants and some of the wildlife (like the stuff living on Colleen's legs and the tree rot that infests Sean's brain). Options are "Play," "Set Up" (which offers subtitles, "Scene Selection," and "Special Features.") I should say right off, the Special Features doesn't have much of anything that wasn't already available on the official website. Those of us who were obsessed with the show last summer have already seen the profiles, read information on the island, examined the voting history for each contestant, and giggled over some of the luxury items (Sue's tweezers, for instance, or the fact that Richard brought a journal with him and must have assumed he'd eventually score a book deal ["Which he did." -- Wing Chun]). It's still nice to have all the info in one place, including the videos of the "Final Words" for each contestant. Although they usually aren't very interesting (especially Richard's dreamy "I won" treacle that ended the run of the series), it's good that they're all included. The "Special Features" are also rounded out by a documentary called "Survivor: Inside the Phenomenon." We'll get to that part later on. Also included are short, text-only episode summaries and a map of the island pointing out where different places on the island were in relation to each other, and info on the island itself (wildlife, terrain and climate).
The meat of the disk is the two-hour, Dolby Digital, Paramount-logo bearing summation of the first season. "From this tiny Malaysian fishing village," begins the Jeff Probst Voice-Over of Doom as we are taken to the boats where the contestants leave the natives behind to embark on "the adventure of a lifetime." Or at least the adventure of a slow summer TV season. Essentially, we're seeing recycled footage of the first-episode boat ride that will take them to the middle of the South China Sea. People hug (and they've never met?). In fact, Jenna is making it a point to hug everyone she sees. "What's your name?" she asks a shell-shocked Rudy after she's planted a big womanly hug on him. Richard makes a beeline for Greg and introduces himself to his future fantasy boy toy. Dirk gives a weird gangsta lean as he shakes Gervase's hand. We get a lingering shot of Colleen and Greg in a foreshadowing of all the manipulation CBS will later do to make it look as if they're having hot island monkey love. Lots of idle chatter. Ramona and Sue talk. Sean announces that although he's a doctor (cough, cough, BULLSHIT!), he's really a free spirit who likes long walks on beaches that are actually game-show sets. Gretchen listens sympathetically: As someone who has engaged in survivalist skills before, she is well aware of the way gorillas act in the mist. Richard babbles about team management to Sonja. First one to go, last one to leave. Can you feel the love? Rudy holds forth that when people talk about MTV, he's lost. He tells B.B. the only people he knows are Frank Sinatra and Perry Homo. Did he just say "Perry Homo"? DVD closed-captioning activate! Yep. Perry Homo. ["That was in the book, too." -- Wing Chun] Ramona says that in two hours she'll be lying on the floor sick. Man, she's like Kreskin! What amazing prescience. Richard tells Sonja that people could be lying. He points out Sean and mentions that Sean's going around saying he's a doctor. "I've heard that one before!" Richard says, and laughs. Sonja laughs, too, uncomfortably. He tells her that she's a little too trusting. Said the snake to the trusting bunny.
Montage of the boat's wheel, and then Richard speculating that all the boxes on board might be stuff they'll take with them to the island. Richard says they may want the castaways to "grab the shit and throw it overboard." Awwww, yeah! The first cuss word! This is way too hot for TV! Gretchen is examining a map. Sue is showing off a rat trap. (Did they know going in that they'd be eating rat?) Random comments about toilet paper and winning immunity challenges. Jeff Probst, whom we've yet to meet in person, says in voice-over that "in this special presentation of Survivor: Season One, you will relive many of the show's unforgettable moments." God help us. We'll see clips of the auditions and interview tapes. And "experience" never-before-seen footage of life on the island. And Richard's naked ass. Don't forget that, Peachy. The preceding voice over is given throughout fly-over shots of the boat and a view of the island on the horizon. Hey, I think I see Tom Hanks!
The original Survivor opening credits come up with the "tribal vocalizings," as my closed captioning calls it. I've always liked that shot of Colleen with her finger on her mouth and the little things buzzing around her like pixies. That's pretty Disney. Or Playboy. I watch the credits closely to see if the credit sequences have been enhanced or expanded for DVD. Hey, I think I see a boob! No, wait. That's just Sean. Man, I had totally forgotten Dirk and Stacey and Joel were ever on the island. Their fifteen minutes ran out sometime in early August.
Back on the boat. The famous intro of the boat that started the show with Probst narrating the mad scramble to get useful items off the ship. People are yelling, "Here, and here!" as they are given two minutes to salvage whatever they can. Jeff the Proboscis is setting the scene in his little "J. Crew for Juniors!" outfit. Shots of island life: A nasty-looking snake attacks the camera. An iguana walks. Sue talks. In the midst of this Probst just won't shut up. I'd forgotten how long-winded he could be. People are leaping from the boat. Probst is suddenly wondering where everybody went. Backpacks are thrown. Water is splashed. Boxes fall in the water. Seen it. Taped it. Read the recap.
We are given the map and fly-over of the island. "This is more than a test of survivor skills," Jeff intones. So what the Hell did you call it Survivor for? "It's also a test of social skills." Oh.
The islanders arrive. Both tribes celebrate as they make it to shore. Trust me, you won't be celebrating when you're eating larvae. Gervase gives out a big "Whoooo!" For no real reason other than that he can't swim and he's out of the water.
A title card declares, "Setting Up Camp, Day One." Richard and Rudy are already bitching because they don't want to sleep on the boards that have been set up to keep people off the ground and away from rats and bugs. With typical panache, Rudy declares that he won't be eating rat until he's hungry. Inspiring. "I don't need food," Richard says. His stomach yells, "The fuck!?" He says he just wants to know how they're going to win the first seven challenges. Whoa, slow down there, guy. There's sand, surf, ladies! Oh. Yeah. Never mind. We go to a confessional where Richard (with an open white shirt and Survivor towel draped on his shoulder) says, "I've got the million-dollar check written already. I'm the winner." He says that cocky attitude usually makes people hate him. So, he says, he needs to keep that in check. Before he wreckety-wrecks himself. He inspires boredom in the bit, where he's lecturing about "reflective listening" and other bullshit corporate training stuff. Richard Hatch may be single-handedly responsible for the current dot-com recession. You know, it looks like people are doing lots of work, and Richard's just shooting his mouth off. Nice. Sean interjects and Richard just babbles on. I think I see now how Richard won: he talked everyone into a stupor. Sean says, "What if I'm right all the time?" He believes he's right about 80 percent of the time in arguments, and wants Richard's professional advice. Richard believes he's right about 95 percent of the time. Kelly walks by, puts her hand on Richard's head, and says there should be a balance between island fun and getting serious in the challenges. "I can shut up and help now," Richard says. Everybody cheers.
Jenna's digging a latrine at the other camp. The camera lecherously angles behind her and up her skirt as she's lying over the hole digging. She says digging the latrine is her niche. She's all muddy. Jenna says that the thinking is that for #2, they'll rip a shirt to make a strip, use it, and then wash it out. I always wondered about the facilities on the island. Gretchen, Rightful Winner, comes by and Jenna asks if she'd like to take the latrine for a spin. Not literally a spin. The actual toilet, a crate with a butt-shaped hole in it over the deep hole, actually looks very hospitable.
Strange drum-accompanied shot of Sonja's name and photo. Then we see her doing the backstroke in a swimming pool. Ooh, here begin the profiles. Some ethereal, lite-rock sounding vocals play. Close up of Sonja in her swimming cap. Titles read, "Sonja Christopher 63 Cancer Survivor San Francisco." Cancer survivor? That's what she does for a living? She introduces herself. She says in her audition tape, as she's standing to some trees and looking very fit, that she's an active older person. According to her, there are over 75 million people in the U.S. over 50. "Are you listening, CBS ratings folks?" she seems to be implying. She's holding her ukulele. She brags that she was recently at a three-day outdoor training camp and has done some mountain biking and orienteering. Orienteering? She goes on about courage and her will to succeed. We go immediately to her audition interview and she says this is a big step for her. She comes across really, really well, like the nicest person on the island. Sonja, we hardly knew ye.
Back on the island, Sean is treating Sonja for a cut on her leg. She says one of the problem of old age is the thinning of the skin. Holy crap! Does that really happen? My sweet aging skin... (whimper) Sean asks about her cancer. She says she went through 37 radiation treatments. Damn.
Flash of the first competition. Sonja explains how she was told to run instead of swim while helping to carry this big wooden plank up to the beach through the water. We're shown footage of her stumbling and she tells us her feet couldn't find the ground. She's dragging everything down. That was what did her in. She acknowledges that it cost them the immunity challenge.
First tribal council. We immediately go to the votes (not the long-ass Probst intro). Sue spells it "Souna." Dumb-ass. Rudy and Sean also vote for Sonja, spelling her name correctly. Sean loses his innocence, but not his stupidity. "It kills me, it breaks my heart," he says. Dirk votes for Sonja and says she can't handle the island physically. Jeff announces Sonja as the first person voted off. "The tribe has spoken." The torch is put out. Sonja, in her jaunty island hat, says, "Go get 'em, guys." What a class act. Shame on everyone else. In her closing words, she sounds almost happy, saying she bonded with everyone and probably would have voted the same way. We love you, Sonja.
Wow, this is like watching a whole season at Warp Speed.
is a profile of B.B. He's in a leather jacket with a Harley Davidson do-rag on his head. The hell? And then he's in a tight blue ski suit, standing on the slopes. Okay, Mr. Elderly Adventure. Craggy face. Craggy brown gloves. Even his ski sunglasses are clearly craggy. Then, it's his audition tape and he's talking about how he's from Kansas, which is a beautiful area. You can tell they had a lot fewer contestants to pick from for Survivor One. This audition tape is putting me to sleep. He talks about his sailing experience and whips out a big knife, which he says would be his luxury item. He likes its versatility. Folks are lucky B.B. didn't go knife-happy when he was voted off.
A glimpse of B.B. on the island. The infamous scene of B.B. washing his laundry with his canteen water. People are pissed. Come on guys; it's not like he put his finger in the peanut butter. Gervase, Dirk, and Jenna all give him a hard time. He looks nonplussed. Everybody's frustrated with him. B.B. bitches that he's been working and everybody's been lying on their asses. Heated arguing, punctuated by B.B.'s saying, "Bullshit." Oh yeah, I love DVD. Gervase argues back, even though he will later admit to us that he is a big old slacker. No love for B.B. Lots of anger. Tribal Council the second. Not surprisingly, he's voted off. Gretchen sums it up best by saying that B.B. himself wanted off the island. She maintains the qualities of a class act by saying that B.B. "kicked ass." Come on, Gretchen, it's the uncensored DVD! You can say, "He kicked motherfuckin' ass." Everybody says how much they like B.B. before they vote him off. It's the uncensored recap, so I'm gonna call "bullshit." Only Gervase seems unrepentant. Bye bye bye, B.B. His torch is snuffed out. His last words are that he learned about himself (what, that you can't live without a washing machine?). He also says that everybody except one person respected him (Uh, cough, Gervase, cough). ["I think he might have meant Joel, actually. He seemed to have a real hate on for Joel." -- Wing Chun]
Oh, damn. The grubs. We see some Evil Dead-esque running shots through the jungle cut with shots of the nasty, bloated, gross beetle larvae crawling around in a big, clear fishbowl. Let the nightmares begin! The "Buggin' Out" immunity challenge is shown in only a small portion of its glory. We only get the last bit after everyone has already eaten a bug. Gervase and Stacey are chosen as the most squeamish, and they each have to eat two bugs. Oh, good lord. This again. They eat them. Chew, chew, chew, Stacey sticks out her huge tongue. Gervase bolts from the table. My stomach does cartwheels.
is the Stacey segment. She's in front of the Golden Gate Bridge. She's standing to a sign at her law firm (Sadly, it's not called, "Dewey, Cheatum and Howe). Her audition tape shows her in front of a bunch of Christmas stockings talking about how much she'd like to be on the island. Her tape is shown for all of three seconds before we go to her interview. She's asked by a British interviewer what she'd do if she were on an island with a very chauvinistic person. Like say someone named "Rudy," just as a hypothetical. Stacey is doing a Bangles with her eyes fixed to the left until she finally answers. "That would irritate me to no end," she says, but hopes she'd be able to keep it in perspective and would expect the person to be voted off by the women.
On the island, Sue and Stacey are on a boat crossing the famous Susan Sapphic River that Kelly used to frequent. Stacey says she asked Sue who she was voting off and when Sue didn't answer, it clued her in that she was Sue's target. Whoops. "I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, which according to the group wouldn't be far," Stacey says. Richard talks about how he voted for Stacey last time and she thought it was Rudy. She criticizes Rudy for eating extra food and acting inappropriately. Rudy fires back that he doesn't like her and never will. The lightning and metaphoric bell toll for Stacey.
Tribal council. Stacey gets the boot. Hey, what about the bugs, guys? A wet Jeff Probst (ewww...) snuffs out an already wet, unlit torch. "You switched your vote," she says, to Sue, we assume. In her closing words, Stacey gloats that she didn't have to walk back to camp in the rain. "I'm really pissed off that they voted me off," she says. My goodness, she is a lawyer. She worries that she'll say something that'll make her look like a bitch. She doesn't think she was appreciated. The tape skips several times, signifying that she rambled on as if this were her own personal litigation and they had to edit her down. She bitches about Sean and Dirk wasting time, and that Rudy stole food. "I don't always have huge zits," she says, inexplicably putting her hands in front of her chest. Someone off-camera asks her to repeat that. "I said 'zits'!" she says, laughing. All...right. She laughs again, big wide mouth scaring me.
The rats episode. We see the glowing eyes of island rats in the night-vision lens. Joel and Greg are describing what they're going to do to a dead rat. Ramona and Gervase look physically ill at the idea. I remember this very well. Dead rats. A knife. Some fire A graphic visual of a rat getting its head chopped off. "Rats aren't bad. Rats are rats," Greg says, sagely. Rat meat is passed around. It sizzles over the fire in Dolby Digital Surround Sound. "Tastes like rat," says Joel. Ramona wants to know how bad it is before she tries it. "As poor as we get in the ghetto, we don't ever eat the rats," Ramona says. Ramona finally tries a piece. Gervase looks on, hungrily. She offers him a bite. They eat up. Mmmm, good rat. "We gots to kill some more rats tonight! It's on till the break of dawn like hot buttered popcorn!" he yells. Ramona just wants to eat.
Speaking of Ramona, it's her segment . She's in New Jersey looking very nice in makeup. Her audition tape says she's an only child, a little spoiled, and eager to be a survivor. She says she's the only black in her group at work. "Talk about survival," she says, and in her interview tape goes on about how she has no white friends. Something tells me this is just the tiny bit of the tape they chose to edit down and show.
On the island, Ramona is sickly, talking about how if she tries to eat what the others are eating, she'll throw up. She proves it by throwing up. She and Jenna make good friends. They get along well, and she says Jenna could be her first white friend. Ramona actually cries in front of Jenna, and Jenna hugs her. It's actually very sweet.
But short-lived, because we go straight to tribal council to vote her ass off. Jenna votes for Ramona because Ramona's turnaround (not puking, not sleeping), was "too little, too late." Nice best friend, Jenna. Gretchen says she really respects Ramona, but she just got off to a slow start. Probst snuffs her out. In her final words, she says she feels sad, but it's a win-win situation. She talks about the lovely sunsets and how her first days on the island were tough. "I'm outta here. Peace," she says.
Rich and the Tagis open up a box of supplies, from which Richard immediately grabs a knife and straps it to his leg. Sean jokes that "those guys like to accessorize." Yeah, Sean lets loose with the homophobia. It's the uncensored DVD! Rich has the sea spear and he begins his quest to start feeding his tribe and making himself indispensable. Very graphic pulling apart of a sea creature. Rich seems to be enjoy pulling apart the slimy entrails. Rudy looks ill. I don't think there was any purpose for this scene except to gross us out.
segment is Dirk in Wisconsin. Country music plays as he boards a tractor. He is among cows, which prepares him for being on an island with Sue. His audition tape, which was shown during the reunion special, shows him pointing a gun at some firewood and scrounging for food. He's actually very funny. In his interview tape, he's got big thick unmade hair (dyed) and a weird soul patch. Unlike the devout straight-laced Christian they portrayed him on the island, he looks like a member of Stone Temple Pilots. He also looks like he's wearing lipstick. He talks about how hard a worker he is.
On the island, we predictably focus on Dirk and his Bible. Rudy says he's religious, but would only bring a bible for toilet-paper purposes. Dirk explains that he just likes quiet time and meditating. He has trouble finding tapioca, which will contribute to his being voted off the island very soon. Oh, hey, it is! He's voted off with very little explanation. It goes by really fast. In his closing words, he thanks the lord and says it's been a wild trip. He also talks about Jesus Christ, and joining him in Heaven one day. He says he was completely surprised by the vote and thought he'd go the distance. And then he asks about the footsteps that were to his as he walked along the beach and how they disappeared during rough times, but Jesus just tells him to shush about that.
Back on the island. Joel and Gervase are engaging in witty banter about the difference between cutting off a chicken's head and twisting it off. Oh yeah, Joel's a big old dummy. And the banter's not witty. This is a mere segue into Joel's segment, which means he's the one voted off. Big, manly music plays as we see him at the health club where he works. His audition tape shows him in his car talking about how he's pretty responsible. And he will be the survivor. He will win, he says, because he's in great shape. Of course. Good luck to you. He points out how spontaneous he is by taping his thing in the car. Whatever, you tool. It's not spontaneous if you have to point out how spontaneous you are. In his interview tape, he comes across even more full of himself and aloof. He talks about landing a client who wasn't planning on using his company. Yeah, let your corporate wins compensate for your tiny package.
On the island, the Joel=Male Chauvinist thing is rehashed. Jenna comments on how the physical challenges are just feeding his ego. The spear-throwing competition makes him feel like a He-Man. Jenna says he's condescending to the ladies. She seems bitter. He's even condescending to Gretchen who is, like, ten times more manly than he is. We get our first glimpse of Colleen in a while, bitching about the way Joel treats the women. Even Gretchen gets in a dig about how he doesn't trust her to cook the rice. Joel says, to end all discussion, that he is definitely not a chauvinist. We'll see at tribal council, buddy. Gretchen points out his flaws in her vote for him. Jenna repeats what Gretchen said. "Moo," she adds, which doesn't make sense without showing what led to that comment. Colleen votes for him because he has a good job and doesn't need the money. "The nature phone said so," Greg says, in his vote for Joel. See ya, He-Man. In his closing words, Joel says the girls had an inferiority complex. He singles out Gretchen as having a problem with him. He stops just short of calling them "dirty little bitches." He also thanks Mom and Dad. This is probably crushing him into a slightly less He-Man version of himself.
Nighttime. The Tagi tribe is filmed in night vision, and Susan is asked when she lost her virginity. Why, God, why? She says she was sixteen or seventeen and lost it in the back of a '67 Mustang. I start crying. Richard says he lost it when he was about eighteen to a woman from Australia that he married (this is just his clever attempt to score a cameo on Survivor 2. She paid him to marry her for a green card. Those Machiavellian instincts have been honed a long time. He says he was married about ten years until her lawyer mailed saying she wanted a divorce. Richard figured it was because she met someone she really wanted to marry. Sean says it must have been a "real man." Damn, Sean, why couldn't Richard just pimp-slap you the way I want to? Jenna talks about how they sat around the campfire and told very revealing stories. Bet we don't get to hear all of them. Greg is asked about whether he's ever been with another guy, and Jenna seems pretty sure that he's been involved in an orgy with another guy. He must have said something to her before. ["When they were, as Alex Richmond says, 'sitting in a tree.'" -- Wing Chun] Richard seems especially curious. Richard later says that Greg refrained from talking about "male-to-male" experiences. I think this is right after the tribes combined, but we don't really get into that. Rudy says that everybody from the tribe would have been court-martialed in the army based on their stories. He walks off and says "shit," just to remind us of the quality of DVD.
Poor, poor Gretchen is shown , at the pre-school where she teaches. Her audition tape is one of the only amusing Blair Witch parodies ever. She is filmed in dark woods-style, crying, saying she's so, so scared they won't pick her. Classy, smart. Gretchen, why couldn't you have won? Her son, who seems very smart and well-adjusted, too, is shown on the tape. He says he just wants the money, and seems clever enough to know that he's not really being serious. Can you tell I'm on love with Gretchen? She's Every Woman. In her interview tape, she talks about her survival skills and the fact that she's had natural labor twice. Damn! She does slip by saying she's been "mentally challenged," which doesn't quite sound like it's what she meant to say.
On the island, she talks about her luxury items, which are a toothbrush, toothpaste, and dental floss. Okay, this is how cool Gretchen is: She shares her floss and toothbrush with the rest of the tribe. I know married couples who won't share a toothbrush. Her attitude is that they all share spoons and stuff anyway, so if none of them has a cold, they're not going to get one. Damn, Gretchen. Will you be my big sister? She talks about the shelter they've built. She complains a little bit, and the insinuation is that people are bitter about her complaining. So far in the DVD, we've heard nothing about an alliance. But this is where it comes out that one must exist. At tribal council, Sue says she's voting Gretchen off because she's too strong. Rudy mentions, for the first time, that it's because of the alliance. Rich harps on what SNL has coined as "strategery." Just like that, Gretchen is off. Last summer, the whole country gasped. Now, I'm just sad. She should've won. Life isn't fair. Gretchen shakes Jeff Probst's hand and leaves. Her final words are that she didn't conquer, but that she had a great time playing. She also says that Greg reminds her of her son, and she hopes her son might grow up to be like him. Wow. Her only regret is that she thinks people didn't say their true thoughts about her to her face.
A segment right after that shocker is on Survivor Challenges. They range from goofy to actually quite cool-looking, and nothing is ever as gross as the beetle larvae competition. We get a montage of swimming, running through the forest, spear-throwing, rowing. The fact that it can all be shown in just a few seconds demonstrates that in the grand scheme of things, the challenges were all setup, and very little of what made the show successful. We do hear the f-word for the first time when Kelly says of Gervase, "I got beat by a guy who can't even fucking swim." I go over and kiss my DVD player. Rope swinging. Hugs. The thrill of victory. The agony of defeat. Richard does his little scary fire dance. Everybody jumps in the mud. You know, some of the challenges were actually pretty funny. Rudy's Alzheimer Challenge is shown, on which he couldn't remember anything in the forest trivia quest.
Greg's segment is up . We see him against the mountains of Colorado. Is it wrong that Greg scares me a little? Especially his audition tape, in which wearing a big black wig and doing handstands. He talks about ethno-biology. The tape jumps a lot, so either he edited it himself, or the producers thought it was too long-winded even for the DVD edition. In his interview, he's got a big scraggly beard that looks as if he's using the Cast Away Home Beard Kit. We are shown Greg using his coconut nature phone. Colleen seems very annoyed by Greg's using his imaginary phone. In fact, everyone seems annoyed. Gretchen says that Greg is very good at manipulating the group, and people don't even realize he's doing it. "In his own way, Greg is the leader," Gretchen says, presumably before she was booted. We see a funny scene where Greg yells and cusses at people for counting chickens before they hatched. Greg, you're funny, but you're also so gone. At tribal council, Greg is voted off, and Sean's idiotic alphabet strategy is shown for the first time. He tries to explain it. My urge to kill rises and falls. "You're a conniving clever little snake," Sue says, in explaining her vote, "that I'm gonna be so happy to see out of here. So just consider this the shovel chopping off your head." Psychotic Sue, table for one. Greg's famous wailing, crying exit is . Probst seems annoyed, yet amused in spite of himself. Greg sobs on his way out. He sobs right through his closing remarks. Then he clears up and smiles. "An excellent game," he begins in a British accent. Then he talks about the nature phone. Lots and lots of jump cuts, so he must have rambled for hours. "Did Colleen and I have sex? I just can't answer that for you," he says. "It seems that your camera should know better than I do myself. Did we?" he asks. Profound, yet stupid.
Sean's famous "fat naked fag" comment is explained. He tells Gervase that Rich had the idea for a calendar called the "fat naked fag" calendar with Rich climbing rocks and whatnot. Sean is totally dishing and Rudy says it would sell very well to the queer demographic. This is so an attempt to get Sean off the hook for his reunion-special comments.
Rich's birthday is up . Sean seems disgusted. Colleen laughs. Gervase puts on his game face. We finally see Rich's fat naked ass without the blurry effects. So white. So round. A zoom in on the butt crack. A lot of rehashed material from the original show. That's all we get.
Jenna is . Quick, inexplicable shot of her bra strap getting caught in a hammock before we are transported magically to her snowy home. Jenna's audition interview is shown and she seems perky and honest about her chances. She says she has a duality -- she tries to be nice and sweet, but she's also vicious to get what she wants. Whoa, did she used to be a stripper? She talks about how competitive she is, too. No clips of her audition tape. We go straight to the episode where the contestants got their care packages. The castaways got to see snippets of videos from their family. Jenna is told by Señor Probst that they never received a tape from her family with her two daughters. She cries. A lot. Compelling TV here, people! No cussing or nudity, however, in the DVD version. Because everybody is so sympathetic to the plight of the single mom, they decide to vote her off and deny her the million dollars she could have used. Sue even insults her by saying she's way too wired to live with. "Your personality is way too zippo, zippo, and you whine too much." Devil Sue sits back down and burns a hole in her seat. Rich cites Jenna's trying to form a competitive alliance as the reason he's voting her off. Jenna walks off in her little green tankini. She says in closing that it was good until things got evil and malicious. She partially blames Sean for tightening the noose. She also is upset that people were dishonest. Welcome to reality, missy.
The Kelly/Sue saga begins. Kelly and Sue discuss possibly voting Rich off. Sue says to the camera that she trusts Kelly 100 percent and that they're like sisters. Yeah, maybe from Greek times when sisters fed each other to Zeus. Kelly shows off her luxury item -- a bead bag to make jewelry. She's making a pair of earrings for Sue and talks about what a cool lady Sue is. She presents the earrings and Sue says they make her feel like a woman. Ewww. "They're so purty!" she exclaims. Sue the Snake also tells the story of her friend who died and this time, we hear the full "fuck" expletive when Sue says what she's not going to do to Kelly, but she ends up doing anyway at the end. She also says she hopes the game comes down to her, Kelly, and Rich, so they'll "stick it up his ass." This is me refraining from making a comment here.
is the Gervase segment. He's shown jogging in his hometown, and on a cell phone for no real reason. His audition tape features him talking a damn lot about how competitive he is. He says he plays to win, and doesn't elaborate on how lazy he'll be on the island. In his interview he talks about his father dying when he was young and how his family split apart after that. He doesn't mention his busful of kids. For no reason, we hear about his appreciation for the ladies and how he likes to look at women. Considering that he didn't do any hooking up on the island, this seems like an irrelevant tangent. We go straight to his comment that women are the stupidest beings on the planet to cows, which amazingly was blamed on Joel. Gervase's famous comments about how he does nothing in the island are rightfully spotlighted. He coasts on his charm and personality, we learn. But only for so long...At tribal council 10, everybody says how much they like him, but sadly, he's getting the boot. Sue doesn't know how to spell his name. "You're a nice guy," Sue says, but she's tired of getting beaten in the competitions. That's about the best compliment you'll ever get from Sue. Gervase, wearing his "target" shirt, says in his closing that he's amazed with how long he lasted, and he thinks his family and friends will be proud of him. He thanks Gretchen for helping him eat the bugs and credits her for getting him through the experience. You see? All hail Gretchen!
The segment is one I don't remember from the show. Each of them gets on a scale and sees themselves in a mirror to guess how many pounds they've lost. Jeff records their guesses on a big cheesy piece of parchment. They all feel they look great. This beats Jenny Craig any day. Colleen wins by guessing she lost nine pounds. The biggest weight losers were Rudy and Rich. Colleen wins a chocolate bar and shares it with her crew.
segment is the pixie herself. Colleen is shown supporting a friend on the same tape for her audition. In her interview, she talks about how she fought forest fires. She comes across as funny and articulate and cute, making it no wonder she was selected. Even if she says "like" about twelve thousand times. Quick shot on the island of her putting on her bikini bottoms with a towel over it. "No!" she says to the cameraperson. We see Colleen running around with Greg in leech land. We see a lot of the footage from when the editing made it look like Colleen and Greg were getting it on. I would think they'd take this opportunity to dispel that myth, but no. It's implied just as it was on the show by the other contestants, including the bits with Colleen saying that it's all about sex, which she and Greg later said was their attempt to goof around and manipulate the confessionals. Colleen's legs are spotlighted . Good lord, those sores are nasty. Sean looks at them and doesn't do a damn thing. I don't remember seeing them so much on the show. Bugs are living in her wounds. Nasty, nasty. At tribal council 11, Richard blames Colleen for falling off the reward challenge beam. Kelly was supposed to go, but won the challenge, so now it's Colleen. He actually seems pretty disappointed by this. Sean intentionally writes her name as "Cooleen." Idiot. On her way out, Colleen tells them to be good to each other because she'll be watching. And with that, America's sweet delicate flower of pus-filled leg wounds is off. On her closing, she says she had lots of fun but that toward the end, she didn't want it as badly as she thought she did. In ten years, she says, she could kick a lot of ass. She says that if she'd been on the other team, she could have won.
Sean's segment is . It starts with Rich giving Sean a hard time for waking him. Sean calls Rich cranky. Rich fires back. They have no chemistry. Sean is shown in his home, where a weird sketch of a woman hangs on the wall behind him. A shot of him at his work in his hospital outfit has me reeling in disbelief. He says in his audition tape that Jerry Seinfeld, Joey Buttafuoco, and the Baldwin brothers are from his town, and that he'd like to be in their league. Dare to dream, guy. Part of his tape is shot in his shower with some toy animals in his tub. I'm totally physically ill. In his interview, he's wearing hospital scrubs. Kiss-ass. Back on the island, Sean is using his Superpole, which is the most useless Sean-related invention since the Fat Naked Fag calendar. He never catches anything with it. He says the area may be overfished. By who, Sean? The invisible fishermen? Sean shows off his luxury item: a razor. Then he reveals something I did not want to know: he starts at the face, but also shaves his chest and belly. Hear that, ladies? He's ashamed to be hirsute. Oh, fucking gross -- now we're seeing him shave his belly and then explaining why he does it. Because male models do it, basically. You dumb-ass. He is so spectacularly voted off. Richard blames his wavering and voting strategy for the vote. "See ya at home," Richard says. Rudy blames it on the Master Plan. Sue calls Sean "buddy." Sean has nothing to put out because his torch went out during the vote, Probst says, which I don't believe for a second. In his closing remark, he says his friends sliced his throat open on national TV and then passes it off as a joke. Okay, Mr. Bitter. He says there are callous, cold, and duplicitous people in the contest. He says it's phony and disgusting. Oh, you're just mad you didn't win. He does point out that he owes $250,000 in student loans. Bye, Sean.
Island Cuss Fest 2000 begins as Kelly and Sue yell at each other over the perceived flip-flopping of Kelly's loyalty. "Bullshit" and "Fuck" are the cuss words du jour. Kelly uses "bullshit" and Sue prefers "fucking." These are some classy ladies, y'all. The whole Kelly/Sue fight is replayed here, right down to the shot of Sue shaving her legs that blinded me last summer. Kelly goes straight to Rich trying to explain herself, and he's just thinking about eating her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. The extended argument with Kelly and Sue is more boring than the more neatly edited TV version. Sue assures Kelly that she won't let her into the final three. Then Sue goes to Rich. Rich uses "fuck," too, and Sue finally says, "Fuck that shit," and plans to reveal to the other voted-off team that once upon a time, Kelly voted for Gretchen, not Sean. So that's the scheming we didn't get to see.
The segment begins with Sue getting into her big rig. Her scary audition tape, with a big cow skull in the background, is shown again. She reads a poem that is terrifying, and shows her in a multitude of personalities. It's obvious at this point that the producers chose her based on the fact that she seems very psychotic. In her interview, she's asked if she ever beat up boys when she was growing up. She says she enjoyed tackling other kids, and mostly had friends who were boys. On the island, Sue asks Rudy if she would have made a good Navy SEAL. He says that, first off, you have to learn to keep your mouth shut. What follows is a hilarious pastiche of Sue saying "awww, man" many, many times in a row, like the great Homer Simpson clip of him saying, "d'oh" multiple times. She is then shown saying, "Oh, yeah," and "cool," and other failed catchphrases. Rudy, sitting on a tree, says, "She should keep her goddamned mouth shut." Exactly.
The clip is discussion between Rich and Sue about the alliance. Then a funny clip of Greg saying that Sue has an accent that'll drive you up the wall. thing is Sue shown working hard, saying "tapioca" a few times, and belching loudly. Then Sue's scheme to make people think she's a dumb redneck who plans to burn the city slicker in the end. We skip right ahead to tribal council thirteen where Sue is finally voted off. "Hey, no problem, I'm ready to go," Sue says. In her final remarks (which are far from her real final remarks), Sue complains a little, but says that overall she had a good time and that it was better than driving her truck. She says that the thing she's learned is that, in the end, you can't trust anybody. She also reveals that Greg scared her, and she thought he was a sneaky snake. She picks on his having a multiple personality disorder. Yes, Sue, you are so unlike him. Sue babbles and babbles and the jump cuts imply she went on for at least three hours. The person she trusted most, she concludes, is Rudy.
Speaking of him, Rudy's segment opens with him saluting in front of a battleship. In his interview, he says that two months on an island wouldn't be a problem for him. Somebody interviewing him asks whether there were any gays in the Navy SEALs. Rudy says that there was one, but he committed suicide. Rudy says he wouldn't want to run into a gay person. As Rudy speaks, the CBS logo hangs loudly behind him. They ask if he would vote against someone if they were gay or lesbian. He looks at the camera for a second, and when they tell him just to be honest, he says he would. "Black?" they ask. "No," he says.
On the island, Rudy is shown doing push-ups while he talks about how he doesn't know what MTV is and how he'd run the island if it were up to him. "I've gotta fit in, not them," he says. He says his opinion of people has changed, especially Rich, who he says is smart and strong. "He's fat, but he's good," Rudy concludes. Rudy is also shown saying how nice "the homosexual is." And he talks about how he and Richard got to be friends, but of course, not in a homosexual way. Quick shot of him rubbing lotion on Rich's back. The bit is about how Rudy doesn't really trust women too much and feared a women's alliance. "I don't think they have enough brains to do that," he decides. He also makes fun of how they say "awesome" a lot. Then, the nitty gritty. Rudy talks about how he joined the alliance. Some conversations that presumably went on early on between Rich and Rudy are shown.
The final challenge, "Hands on the Immunity Idol" -- a shameless rip-off of Hands on a Hard Body -- is shown. Rich's speech where he let go of the idol and let the chips fall where they may comes . The bit where Rudy took his hand off for a second ends the segment. At the tribal council, Kelly votes for Rudy, explaining that she thinks she has a better shot at beating Rich than she does beating Rudy in the final vote. "I don't blame her," Rudy says as he leaves. In his closing, Rudy says his advice to anyone playing is to form an alliance and stick to it. Are you Survivor 2 folks listening? Rudy says he never thought he'd make it so far, especially since he got quite a few votes early on.
The final leg. A strange fire montage with Rich and Kelly where they light a fire together at sunset. I don't get it at all.
Kelly's segment begins in Vegas, showing her on the strip. Then, we get a close-up of her tongue ring. Her audition tape shows her in a kitchen, again showing off her tongue piercing, then her ass tattoo. We see some crack. In her audition interview, she talks about her river boat and how people usually don't like her when they first meet her, but grow to like her. She brings up the fact that she's a Cancer on the Zodiac and she's usually not into possessions like she's supposed to be under that sign. Her personality doesn't seem to come across on video, and I'm still puzzled as to how she was chosen in the first place except as a polar opposite to Rudy and B.B.
We're shown the same scenes as the last episode of Kelly meditating and admitting that she regrets joining an alliance.
We go straight to Richard's scene. He's walking with a scared-looking boy in big glasses, the same kid who made news when Rich was alleged to have gotten into a fight with the boy while jogging. His audition tape shows a photo of him from West Point. Man, he looked really good and young back then. In the video, Rich looks pretty huge and shows off his family and kid. Rich is doing push-ups and the kid is yelling at him to do more push-ups because they need the money. "You got it, kid!" Rich yells back. In his interview, he says people are always surprised when they learn he's gay. In the interview, talking about adoption and corporate training, he does come across as smart and dynamic.
On the island, Rich is meditating on what'll happen at tribal council. He doesn't have a long wait. We go immediately to the last tribal council. Greg's question is shown. Then it's showtime. Susan delivers her bridge-burning speech, scorching Rich slightly before fully roasting Kelly. I transcribed it verbatim when I did this original episode recap, so I'm not going there again. But, the speech is brilliant and venomous just like I remember it. I was hoping there might be a few added bits we didn't get in the original, but how do you improve upon perfection? The whole speech is here. Sue's poisoned my Sony Digital receiver.
The final votes are shown, including the explanations from each person voting. The winner is announced. Rich hugs Kelly. The music comes back on. People clap. Just like the original show, it's still a bit of a shock Kelly didn't win, but that's the way it goes. Kelly's final words seem pretty despondent. She says that Susan is extremely immature. Kelly says that she stopped trusting Sue early on and started lying to Sue when she figured that out. She uses the word "bullshit" again and I cheer. She says everything that Sue said in her speech was exactly the way Susan acted. Kelly smiles when she says it's funny how bitter Sue was. She says her brain is fried and she'd never want to play another game like this again.
Rich's final closing words, the same one shown after the show, is shown again. His flight, his butt-ugly new car, and his cheesy voice-over. I am so exhausted right now. Seriously. Just. Wrap. It. Up.
The show is followed by the same preview for Survivor 2 we saw during the reunion special. Y'all make sure to read Joanna's recaps, okay?
The main portion of the DVD ends with glimpses of the Survivor wrap party mixed with the closing credits. Each person is introduced by Mark Burnett and given some applause. "Thank you so much for playing the game," says Burnett -- now a rich man, indeed. Some last comments are made, including Rudy's saying that he loves gay people now as long as they don't touch him. Greg says goofy stuff about how he loves the island and all of the island is reality. And thus ends the main portion. Wow, how underwhelming.
Which leaves us with one final bit: "Survivor: Inside the Phenomenon," the documentary. If you've read the book, there aren't too many surprises, but in the interest of brevity (yeah, 9,000 words later), here's a quick summary: Burnett explains how the show got started from the format for the show to how the island was chosen during a two-year search. He says they wanted to find an island that was dangerous, but not too dangerous. He reveals that his production company contributed financially to a future resort on the island.
Jeff Probst talks about how he first heard about the hosting gig on the radio. He seems awfully cheesy, even when he's not hosting, but his enthusiasm for the job does come through.
Burnett says they looked at about two hundred possible casting choices. Burnett and Probst go back and forth about how they met and how the host was chosen. Burnett says they needed someone who was tough and who had passion for the project. But they chose Probst anyway. ["I still think they had a little thing going. Burnett's just a bit too effusive about Probst's...er...talents." -- Wing Chun]
Probst reveals that when he got the gig, he was given a folder of all the bios and he went over them with his wife.
Burnett stresses that these people are not "outrageous personality types." Not even Greg? Probst says he was asked to be aloof and shadowy as host. Mission accomplished. Except for the "shadowy" part. Jeff says that he didn't meet the contestants before the contest, and that the first words he said to them were right before the cameras rolled, when he told them they had two minutes to get their stuff off the boat.
Both Burnett and Probst stress that the very first bits of the show were crucial because there was no way they could go back and do them again. Probst says that even then he knew, "We've got something good here." He even smiles evilly. Clips are shown to break up all the dialogue.
Burnett addresses FCC concerns about quiz shows, and how because there were prizes involved, nothing could be staged and all the contests had to be won fair and square.
Jeff talks a bit about the challenges of filming and sound on an island. He mentions Burnett's Eco-Challenge show and how his crew was really happy to have such a huge challenge. Hey, that's not what we heard. Some of the lights and sound equipment, including the tribal challenge stage, are shown. Probst also shows off the place where everybody on crew eats, the one phone they all have access to, and the Survivor home office.
Burnett looks a little like a healthier, more kid-like version of Peter MacNicol. Probst talks about how hard it was to remain impartial. He says that it was hard, but "delicious" when Jenna didn't get her tape from her kids. ["'Delicious'? Dude, Dr. Evil much?" -- Wing Chun] He said as it was happening, he knew it was good TV. Bastard.
Burnett talks about how they thought B.B. would be a kind, grandfatherly type, but how he ended up being a hard-ass. Probst talks about how Greg was disrespectful during the first tribal council and how it pissed him off. Probst makes it sound like he had an epiphany that Greg was actually a great guy and his weirdness would make good TV. Yeah, bullshit. I'm sure you all edited the hell out of him as revenge. ["There was a lot in the book about Probst hating Greg for messing him up by being interesting." -- Wing Chun]
Burnett reveals they thought Rich would be the first person voted off the island. ["Me too!" -- Wing Chun] Probst gives us a news flash and says that Rich won the game by being manipulative.
Burnett says that the challenges were created by a very talented "challenges team." Oh yeah, do they put that in their job descriptions? Probst is shown at a white board which has very complicated schematics for a challenge. Yeah, right, like they involved any planning at all.
Probst says that the yacht night was a great moment of Survivor. Burnett explains that eight family members were held at the airport with tickets and the moment the challenge was decided, someone would get on a plane and get to the yacht. Then the contestants were told that the yacht was being delayed, it was not a lie. Oh, and the woman who massaged Sean, was not a real masseuse. It was just a ruse until Sean's dad made it up. ["Also in the book." -- Wing Chun] Again: bastards.
Burnett says they made a mistake following the yacht reward with the bottle of beer -- that the prizes needed to get bigger and bigger. Burnett says they had a brainstorm to give the person a night with Jeff with the beer in a bar. That was a brilliant idea for a reward? Maybe these producers aren't as smart as we thought. Jeff reveals that the island bar was actually the production mess hall. ["Blah book blah blah." -- Wing Chun]
Jeff acknowledges that the tribal councils were over-the-top and melodramatic, but the fact that they were the most mocked parts of the show proves they worked. Sure, Probst, whatever you say. Probst says that after the show was over, all of them said they had a great time and would want to do it again.
Jeff talks about the last episode, and how it was the climax of the experience. I get uncomfortable hearing Jeff say "climax." Jeff also talks about the after-party. He says that Kelly and Sue had a gulf between them. He says that Rudy had the funniest stories and was practically a comedian when it was over.
Burnett says that the reason Survivor did so well with the public was because it was new and original, with interesting characters in an environment we could all understand. "It's fascinating," he says. Yeah, fascinating with big dollar signs all over it.
That's it. The video's over, my hands need a massage, and Sue has completely ruined the DVD format for me. That's okay. I've got a whole season of Survivor 2 to watch, and I won't even have to worry about writing about it.