Props to Wing Chun, Glark, and Omar G, who spectacularly closed out last season while I spluttered to my honeymoony non-finish. Anti-props to Entertainment Weekly, who borrowed (translation: stole) my prize concept -- Talking Rudy Doll -- and used it, and poorly so, in their "Best of 2000" issue. Boo to big guys who pick on little guys. I'm over it. Can you tell? Welcome back, all, and a big whew-hoo to the Ravens! I think that's it.
Just Peachy has a new shirt in honor of the new season. It's blue, not khaki, and miracles never do cease. But don't worry -- he's still Just Peachy, and more so than ever! We see a plane flying over the Outback and lots of outback-y scenery. I'm already wondering how many times I'll use the word "outback" this year. Not possibly as many times as Just Peachy will.
Peachy announces that the new S16 are riding in a special plane "on loan from the Royal Australian Air Force," and I guess we should be happy that the Australian military has nothing better to do with their rescue planes than loan them to hokey American television programs. Peachy explains the concept of Survivor, and for the three people in America who haven't heard of this show, I'll sum it up: sixteen people get dumped in some godforsaken place, vote one person off every week, until all that's left is an overweight, naked homosexual named Richard, who then wins a million dollars. Got it? As Peachy explains this concept in a more verbose way, the plane-cam scans the interior and we see various shots of the ill-, irritated-, bored-. sleepy-, and noble-looking sixteen contestants. As Peachy recites for the billionth time, "Forty-two days; sixteen people; one Survivor," the camera pans away, and we see that he is perkily perched on the open tail-end of the plane. Some of our very own posters hoped for a perky little accident in the form of something resembling peach cobbler, but it didn't happen.
They haven't changed the theme song except to add some minor Australian-like sounds. I'm assuming they're Australian-like, but I don't really know what that is. ["There is definitely a digeridoo." -- Wing Chun] In any case, I was happy to hear the familiar oh-wey-oh-ing, and in the past few Survivor-deprived months, I'm not ashamed to admit, I occasionally rewound my Survivor tapes just to hear it again and chant along with it. As the S16 make their dramatic credit appearances, and as I watch repeatedly to assign faces to names, I notice that only Debb, Jerri, Rodger, and Maralyn get one shot each, while the others have at least two different shots. Clue or coincidence? Time will be the judge.
As we return from the commercial, we get another shot of the special plane. Peachy must have been doped up on some serious Dramamine -- he's just as peachy as ever, while one survivor prays and two others revisit breakfast. As the plane prepares to land, we see a shot of two solitary kangaroos, one of which is standing at attention and appears to be watching the plane intently, although for all we know this is footage from a National Geographic special, spliced in for effect. Then, as the engines roar, we see what's probably an entirely different kangaroo high-tailing it away from the big scary plane, but if it's anything like the last time around, the 'roo is high-tailing it away from the big scary people inside the plane. Peachy then tells us that the S16 aren't allowed to speak to each other until the plane has dumped them in their new home. Each team has five minutes to salvage what they can from a crate of supplies on the ground, and then must hike five miles "deep into the Outback."
The first team is blue-wearing Kucha, and consists of Kimmi, an excessively made-up bartender who has thrown her hat in the ring to usurp the title of "Most Annoying Television Kimmi Ever" from Kimmy Gibbler of Full House fame; Michael, a father who does something or other with software, and if we didn't catch that he's a father from Peachy's voice-over, there's some footage of Michael in his backyard with some cute little kids jumping on a trampoline in the background. Alicia is a buff trainer. Rodger is sweet-faced, older, and straight out of American Gothic, sans the scowling. Elisabeth is a footwear designer. Debb is a very non-deb corrections officer. Jeff, an "internet project manager," is cocksure and reminds me of Liev Schreiber. ["I'll bet when he returns from the outback he'll learn he's been laid off, along with the rest of the world." -- Wing Chun]
Ogakor will always wear green, and it also appears that Maralyn, a retired police inspector, will always wear coral, as that appears to be the color of her luxury item lipstick. Colby is an "auto customizer," and Amber is a administrative assistant from Beaver, Pennsylvania. ["Hee hee, 'beaver'!" -- Wing Chun] Mitchell is a seven-foot-tall singer-songwriter. Tina is a mother and nurse who looks like Darva Conger crossed with Dr. Laura with a little early Brady years Florence Henderson thrown in. Emeril...I mean "Keith," is a chef. Jerri is an aspiring actress and Stayfree Stillman lookalike. Kel, who is very cute but apparently mute, is an army intelligence officer. ["He's the one with the tenuous Canadian connection." -- Wing Chun]
The plane finally takes off, and as the pilot heaves a sigh of relief, the survivors start tearing into the crates. Alicia and Amber get off to a good start by proving they are literate, as they locate and announce instructions for their teams. Kucha looks rightfully unhappy about their name, and Ogakor masters theirs pretty quickly. Debb gets off to a bad start by not bothering to learn Rodger's name (don't worry, Debb, you won't have to remember these names much longer) and calling him "Green Hat" instead, which reminds me of my college roommate Anna who had a crush on this cute guy whose name we didn't know and who we used to refer to as "The Green Hat," because he always wore one. Chaos ensues as the tribes dig into their crates and Maralyn asks when she can pee. That may bode well for Mad Dog in the end, since Richard was concerned about performing the same bodily function in the first episode of the first season.
Peachy tells us that the camps, which each have a flag and a canoe, are four miles apart along the Hebert River. As they set out on their hike, Ogakor passes an Epcot Center dinosaur skeleton exhibit which Mark Burnett strategically placed in their path. At Kucha, Alicia's claws come out first, as she tells the camera that Nick was designated keeper of the compass, and that although it said one way, "he kept goin' the wrong way," and Nick is so The Mole. Debb tries to take control of the group, but isn't attractive enough to merit anyone's attention. Plus, she's rude. Nick tells us that Kimmi's already declared that she can't stand Debb. We then see Kimmi and Debb have a little tiff over which direction is north. Kimmi, looking like Jenna with bigger breasts, tell us in a confessional that Debb means well, but that she wouldn't "twalk" to her on the outside world: "She'd make me crazy." We learn that Tommy Hilfiger dropped by the island with a pair of plaid pajama pants for Kimmi.
We check back in on Okagor, the members of which are dragging their stuff more so than carrying it. We see a leg-cam shot through some very very skinny and hairless legs -- as far as I can tell, these belong to Mitchell. Maralyn channels Rudy for what I suspect will not be the last time when she says something unintelligible about busting her butt. She admits she's afraid she might not be able to keep up, and here she's more like Tired Dog or Anxious Dog or even Needs to Pee Dog than Mad Dog. We then cut to a shot of Maralyn hefting up her end of a board carrying rations, while Tina does some dainty little ballet move to keep up her end. Colby tells us that he carried more than anyone else and that it fired him up, and Amber good-naturedly says that the rice is heavy and she's ready to get to camp. All you Amber fans out there -- that's all you're getting this time around. In a play for the leadership role, Keith announces that he's going to do "reconnaissance" because the team is lagging, and then we see a motley-looking shot of Jerri and Mitchell. In a confessional, Jerri translates for the less intelligent readers that Keith is going ahead to scout out the terrain. Not only does she physically resemble Stayfree Stillman, she also has similar mannerisms and chooses her words the same way. Which is not, by the way, a good sign -- for either Stayfree's longevity or Joanna's piece of mind. Most of Okagor is treading water up to their necks when they cross a river, but Mitchell barely gets his ankles wet because he's so damn tall. Suddenly they're at camp, which is always a good reason to hug seven strangers.
At Kucha, Jeff pulls a Ramoaner and tells us he's feeling weak, but he went "into a zone" and can't remember anything of the plane ride. Kimmi complains that she, Elisabeth, Rodger, and Mike (who looks like a Scott Hamilton with a normal-sized head) are carrying more than the other tribe members. She makes the word "our" into two syllables somehow -- "OW-were." Elisabeth gets a word in, but then the camera returns to Kimmi, who keeps right on blabbering. When team Kucha reaches camp Kucha, they immediately attend to their most primal needs: the performance of water ballet.
I really can't tell if that's Phillip Seymour Hoffman in the "What are you doing?" commercials with the Indian Chad. And after watching this commercial five times, I still can't tell. And though I'm wondering why Philip Seymour Hoffman's agent would ever encourage him to do a Budweiser commercial, at least it's a pretty funny one.
After the commercial, we're back at Kucha, and Elisabeth tells us the tribe realized after they jumped in the water that they'd then be cold and wet and without shelter. She then says they need to "get to work on building the basics of a home." Debb opens up her piehole and starts shouting about rocks: "We got enough rocks here too. We could build a pretty decent shelter just usin' rocks." The others choose not to take this suggestion, what with the available wood around, and all. Kimmi comes across a snake skin near their camp -- Mark Burnett's little present for the Kucha tribe. Later, someone will find the fake human finger in their french fries. Mike tells us that he has a reasonable sense of construction (and a more than reasonable ego, as we'll learn as the episode wears on); we see him advising others as to what to do, and they don't seem to have a problem doing it. In an interview, Debb tells us that one person in the group is ordering the others around, adding, "If you guys haven't figured it out, it's Mike." She then says that his behavior "is not playing right now, and not just with [her], but with others." But we all know it's Debb who doesn't play well with others. Debb goes on and on about Rodger's building talents, which scores points because me loves myself some Rodger. My husband, in proofing this, said I need to tone down the Roger love, because (in his words) it "sounds kinda gross at times, like, sexual -- like you're trying to rob the Craftmatic adjustable bed." And it sounds to me like he's trying to steal my job. Debb then tries to act like there's some conflict between Rodger and Mike, but the two seem to be getting along co-operatively in building a pretty advanced shelter made of -- gasp! -- both wood and stone.
At Ogakor, Keith tells us that, once the team arrived at camp, they immediately dispersed to begin work. Jerri says she considers "anything and everything anybody was doing as pretty much a strategic move," which means that the motives behind Maralyn's needing to pee totally got by me. Sneaky Dog. Ogakor has decided to use Colby's luxury item, the Texan flag, as their "tarp from wind and sun," according to Mitchell. Colby tells us that he actually brought the flag to be used as shelter, but then says, "Don't get me wrong. When I wake up in the morning there's two things I'm thinkful for. I'm thinkful I'm alive, and I'm thinkful I'm a Texan." Most likely he was saying "thankful" there, but it sounded like "thinkful" to me. Jerri and Keith have a silly argument over the building of the shelter, and Jerri tells us they "rub each other the wrong way," and we all know that's bad for the ratings -- we want to see these people rub each other the right way! She then tries to say Keith has made some offensive comments to her that she won't just let "slide off her back," but we never actually hear these comments.
And now back to Kucha and....more Kimmi! In night-vision we see wide-eyed, white-eyed Kucha team members experiencing a real-life nightmare....life in a tent with Kimmi! Kimmi's yelling unintelligible things; about the only thing I'm able to make out is her concern regarding "where and when I'm gonna masturbate out here." Debb tells us in a confessional that nothing is taboo with Kimmi, not even marrying her own son-in-law. Jeff says that Kimmi can't say a thing without screaming it, and he's very irritated. We continue to hear Kimmi shrieking and laughing in the background as Jeff says, in his ploy to get free rage counseling like Stephan did on Real World Seattle, "I just want to grab her by the neck and shake the shit out of her, you know?" Violence against women is not tolerated here at MBTV; thoughts of violence against Kimmi, apparently, cannot be avoided.
At Kucha Day Two, Michael tells us that hunting, fishing, and camping have prepared him for the trip. These things have obviously not prepared him for the concept of investigating strange food in an unknown environment before chowing down. He plucks a fig off a newly discovered fig tree and bites right into it, immediately followed by much bleching and yecking and hacking and spitting of the fig. He warns the others off biting in as he did, and opens the fig to show that it is teeming with hundreds of little, swarmy insects. Some of the team think they aren't bugs, and Jeff checks his out and says, "I'm lookin' at bugs." He adds that the bugs are creepy. They're most likely crawly, as well. Then we see the Kucha members opening the fruit and blowing on it, as it it's hot. We don't see anyone actually ingest a fig. Don't worry, though; there'll be time enough for eating disgusting things in the episode.
Back at Kucha, we see that Debb is using her book learnin' to light a fire. Seriously, she checked a book out of the local Milan (New Hampshire) library and read up on how to light a fire, but never actually tried it herself. Hey! I think I'll go take a martial arts book out of the library, spend a few minutes reading it, and kick your ass by morning! She tells the others without a trace of irony that "the book says we needed friction." In an interview, Kimmi says that had Debb "went and practiced this stuff at home, [she] would take her a lot more seriously." Suddenly, dramatic music swells up and we enter the Rodger portion of the show. He brought along a Bible for his luxury item (though not, it appears, for the same sermonizing reasons as Dirk), and has offered it up to help with the fire-starting, which some might construe as sacrilegious, but we won't because Rodger is a cutie. Looking through the Bible, Rodger finds a letter from his son-in-law, which is all about how things on the farm will be fine without him and how everyone at home has faith in him. Kimmi reads the letter to Rodger, and there are some numbers written down which correspond to different readings in the Bible, each with a little note to Rodger. Aw. It's like a Choose Your Own Bible Adventure. Rodger talks a bit like Forrest Gump, but it's sweet. Kimmi yells, "Can he give us the page with the burning bush?" which is surprisingly funny.
Ogakor is also trying to start a fire, and Keith tells Kel and Colby that his son is a Cub Scout: "If I start this fire, I will be his hero." Jerri has it in for Keith just like Stayfree had it in for Rudy, and picks a fight with him over the placement of the fire. Her logic is that if they don't place the fire where they want it now, it will be impossible to move later on. Which might be the lamest argument I've ever heard, and Keith doesn't even laugh at her, he just politely tries to explain and she goes stomping off to pose for some new headshots in the bush. Keith uses a pretty intricate contraption to try to spark the fire, with no luck. He then tells us in a confessional that because Jerri was so put out, he tried to involve her in the group's activities "with something she brought that has importance to her" -- obviously, she brought a bongo drum. ["Sorry, I think that's an even dumber luxury item than lipstick." -- Wing Chun] Jerri manages to be, at once, completely useless and the center of attention while Keith and Amber bust their asses trying to start the fire. Jerri acts concerned through her laughter when the two practically collapse from the effort.
Kimmi checks Kucha's mail, and I hope for her sake there aren't many running challenges because she doesn't seem too accomplished in the actual running. She reads the clue, which tells us that the challenge is for both matches and immunity. "Fire" is also two syllables for Kimmi -- "FIE-er." Cheerleader Kimmi tells us that Kucha needs to "fight hard and win," and Cheerleader Elisabeth tells us they need to "beat beat beat" the other tribe. Back at Ogakor, Mitchell -- who actually seems kind of likable -- says that they have to show the other tribe they're better, and also it wouldn't hurt to be able to eat. Seems to me that Mitchell, all ninety-eight pounds of him, should have worried about eating a little more before the show started.
The teams trek to the déjà-vu challenge -- for waterproof matches and immunity. Peachy smirks as he tells the tribes, "You know this guy really well," as he shoves the Immunity Idol in their faces. The challenge is my least favorite type -- a hyped-up obstacle course filled with silly man-made obstacles. The goal is to keep a torch lit, and eventually to light a pyre at the top of what appears to be a wooden lifeguard stand. The first leg involves crossing "The Old Bridge," which was probably constructed in the, oh, early twenty-first century. After they've crossed this relic using planks to cross where boards are missing, the leg is a swim through the water keeping aloft a raft which bears the torch. The third leg involves yet another raft, which all the survivors must sit on, using horizontal pulleys to move themselves to the other side of the shore. Finally, they will run up the beach, climb the lifeguard stand, and ignite the top of it. None of this appears to have anything at all to do with the actual outback environment, which I find irritating. They could be performing this in my back yard...if I had one. Ogakor is ahead from the very beginning and remains so throughout. It's not worth detailing point by point except to say my husband walked into the room, watched this débacle for two seconds, and made an "oomph" sort of noise, knowing instantly that Kucha had no teamwork and thus no chance at victory. Some highlights of the race: Elisabeth falls in the water and can't pull herself out -- my strong, (gentle)manly Rodger yanks her out with one hand, which is not returned later by Elisabeth when Rodger gets his foot stuck in a rope under the raft and nearly drowns if not for Debb, who shouts at the others to help him. At this point, I notice that all of Kucha is barefoot and all of Ogakor is wearing shoes. How is it that the footwear designer's team can't manage to shoe themselves? At one point, Jerri starts shrieking in victory and should really never do so again, since the ensuing facial contortions aren't pretty and won't help her acting career unless she's going the female Jim Carrey route. When Kucha finally begins the third leg by boarding the second raft, they pitch into the water while trying to maintain balance. It appears that Michael is standing, which tips them over, but perhaps he was standing to balance them. Kimmi, who was holding the torch, makes a valiant effort to keep it above water long after her head has submerged, but it's no use. By this point, Ogakor's on the beach. Either Mitchell's not bothering to hustle because they already won, or he's just plain slow. He's also not much of a climber. Who appointed gangly Mitchell to these difficult tasks, anyway? Kucha finishes the race, which is commendable since Ogakor already won. Unless maybe they don't understand the rules and keep competing, like Kelly did twice last season. Peachy smirks as he tells Kucha that one of their own will be banished. Ogakor, meanwhile, is encouraged to commit celebratory arson on the lifeguard stand.
At Kucha Day Three, the team prepares for Tribal Council, and Rodger tells us that the day's immunity challenge was a big letdown. Jeff pukes, and Debb says she thinks that she, Rodger, or Jeff will get the boot. Alicia tells Jeff that Debb told her that Jeff wanted to go, and that he's ugly and his mother dresses him funny. It's hard to tell here who's telling the truth, and Jeff tells us in an interview that he's not going to trust anyone. This is edited to look like everyone is plotting against Jeff -- irrefutable proof that he's not going anywhere. In a random bit, Jeff says that he puked, and Michael asks if he "save[d] it." Ew. Kimmi tells us that Tribal Council is like going to court -- which is probably a better metaphor than Ramoaner's Judgment Day example.
As the tribe heads off for jury duty, let's hope that Elisabeth never expands her career from footwear to headwear, since she is wearing some kind of rasta-like contraption on her head made from what appears to be rags and towels. Not exactly flying under the radar. More like flying into a flock of birds that gets stuck on her head. In an interview, Mike peeks out from behind a tree and says that either Jeff or Rodger will go, and that Rodger "could be a liability in the challenges....and especially swimming challenges and climbing challenges, and it's not just Rodger, it would be anybody over fifty years old." You just gotta love ageism. And has he never heard of Rudy? And he's not that far from fifty himself, or else he's very poorly aged, which is even worse. Jeff pulls a Richard and says he's looking forward to voting someone off and that "people have got to go, and I look forward to walking up, writing somebody's name on a card, and talking about 'em."
The Outback Tribal Council looks like a child's diorama of Stonehedge. I have no idea why they can't embrace the natural beauty of an awe-inspiring place without cheesing it up. It works the same way as the first season's Tribal Council. Peachy explains that "fire does represent life....here," and it sounds like he's about to say "on the island" and catches himself. ["Heh -- I thought so, too." -- Wing Chun] Although as my friend Miriam pointed out, Australia is an island, so technically he'd be correct. Peachy starts the group counseling by calling on Debb. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that book smarts don't count for much here, and insists, "I've tried everything those damn books said to do." Mike says the other tribe is "the enemy." I thought people over fifty were the enemy, Mike. Nick says he was sure they'd win at purely physical challenges, and I can't figure out what his basis for that is. Probably just having Alicia on their side. Peachy asks whether a leader has emerged, and Rodger throws a bone to Mike, who looks smug. Again.
Then it's time for the voting. Peachy advises Kucha to write in "big, clear letters." Debb votes for Jeff and says she loves him about one hundred times. She also says she went into the competition planning on always voting for the weakest person, in the noble yet stupid belief that the strongest survive. Didn't she watch the first season? We don't see anyone else until Rodger, who says he voted for "her" for "no real reason, actually," except that "someone had to go." The camera focuses on Elisabeth here, so we're supposed to think he voted for her. Finally, Kimmi votes for Debb because she's "just not what I need," which is as good a reason as any, and more honest. Jeff goes to "tally" the votes, which really means "rearrange for dramatic effect," and returns to read the very anticlimactic results. The first two votes are for Debb, whose eyes look like they're about to bug out of her head. The vote is for Jeff. And then three more for Debb, at which point Peachy stops the counting and sends Debb and her eyeliner packing. Or maybe she'll leave the eyeliner (and the case!) behind for the good of the tribe. In any case, this felt really dirty -- not because I care about Debb, but because it seemed so personal. They voted her off because they didn't want her around, and they made no excuses otherwise. Debb, looking dazed, tells the others to "do good" and "kick ass." Kimmi cries herself some crocodile tears.
week, Survivor moves to Thursday, and already "tensions are rising." Jerri calls someone a "liar and a cheat," and Kimmi "can't do it."
As the credits roll, Debb tells us, "I wouldn't have minded if I had fallen during the competition, if I was lazy, if I wasn't a team player." She says that had Jeff counted all the votes it would have been seven to one, and she's right -- we see all the others' votes as she speaks. Debb is disenchanted by the game, and says that she thought mental toughness and physical ability would surmount, but that "none of that mattered." And that's the last we hear from Debb. Until she appears in Playboy, that is. And I'll leave you, my friends, with that.