Survivor S01E18

The details sometimes vary, but the structure of the dream is always the same. I am struggling in a body of cold, salty water. I struggle to get out of the heavy clothes I'm wearing and break to the surface to breathe air. I somehow make it to the shore, where sand crabs stare and the rough turf of the beach scratches my legs and chest.

A man in a pair of khaki shorts that look like they've been worn for at least thirteen weeks in a row greets me. He looks familiar. Like a game-show host from some second-rate music channel. He hands me a Budweiser beer and gives a knowledgeable explanation as to why product placement is so necessary to make a successful television show. Thirsty, I take the beer and drink deeply. Something squirms in my mouth and I spit it out. The game show host had slipped me a bottle full of puffy beetle larvae. I run away.

A crowd of people stops me. They circle around. One of them, a craggy woman who has the demeanor of a professional truck driver, whispers to the others, "We should leave 'im out for da vultures ta pick at 'im." A Ken Doll of a man who looks none too bright winks at me and says, "Hey, man, I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV." There are more than a dozen of them -- dirty, smelly and unpleasant. They begin to part as one man, his face in shadow, approaches me. I try to stand, but my legs fail and I am on my knees. He comes forth, turns, and drops his shorts. His large, hairy ass looms large, blotting out the sun, blotting out all that is real. His sphincter is playing the "do de do dee do dee do" opening strains of the Survivor: Season One theme. The ass approaches me, pulling me in to its hairy orbit.

That's when I wake up screaming.

My therapist, (played by Lorraine Bracco) asks me what I think the dream means.

"Every time I think I've gotten away from this show, it keeps pulling me back in!" I cry.

"Save the dramatics," she says softly. "I understand you wrote several recaps of this television show for a website last summer. How did that make you feel?"

"Confused. Frightened. I still have nightmares."

"Maybe you should confront these fears. Go back to the island, as it were. I have a friend in the entertainment industry; he sometimes has access to home videos as they appear on the market. Are you familiar with the DVD version of Survivor that's just been released?"

"I try not to think about it."

"I really think you should have a look at this," Dr. Melfi says, handing me a copy of a DVD with the Survivor logo emblazoned on the front. A portly man in silhouette holds a torch on shallow water.

"Are you insane? You want me to go back? Look at Colleen's bitten-up legs? Endure Sean's quarter-wittedness? Unleash my hatred for all that is Sue?"

"I think this could help you. I think it could end the nightmares."

I shake my head. The fear again. Was I ready to risk my sanity again? Could I stare, unshaken, at the Ass of Hatch and remain uncorrupted by its evil influence?

I took the DVD home. I kept the phone nearby, Dr. Melfi's cell phone number set on the speed dial. Slipped the DVD in. Took a deep breath. Said a silent prayer.

The DVD first greets viewers with a menu playing the theme song (Richard Hatch Ass Flashback #1) as the background displays a fly-around of the island that was the setting for so much drama, laughter, and pain last summer. Small boxes on the menu screen show flashes of island locales, faces of Survivor Contestants and some of the wildlife (like the stuff living on Colleen's legs and the tree rot that infests Sean's brain). Options are "Play," "Set Up" (which offers subtitles, "Scene Selection," and "Special Features.") I should say right off, the Special Features doesn't have much of anything that wasn't already available on the official website. Those of us who were obsessed with the show last summer have already seen the profiles, read information on the island, examined the voting history for each contestant, and giggled over some of the luxury items (Sue's tweezers, for instance, or the fact that Richard brought a journal with him and must have assumed he'd eventually score a book deal ["Which he did." -- Wing Chun]). It's still nice to have all the info in one place, including the videos of the "Final Words" for each contestant. Although they usually aren't very interesting (especially Richard's dreamy "I won" treacle that ended the run of the series), it's good that they're all included. The "Special Features" are also rounded out by a documentary called "Survivor: Inside the Phenomenon." We'll get to that part later on. Also included are short, text-only episode summaries and a map of the island pointing out where different places on the island were in relation to each other, and info on the island itself (wildlife, terrain and climate).

The meat of the disk is the two-hour, Dolby Digital, Paramount-logo bearing summation of the first season. "From this tiny Malaysian fishing village," begins the Jeff Probst Voice-Over of Doom as we are taken to the boats where the contestants leave the natives behind to embark on "the adventure of a lifetime." Or at least the adventure of a slow summer TV season. Essentially, we're seeing recycled footage of the first-episode boat ride that will take them to the middle of the South China Sea. People hug (and they've never met?). In fact, Jenna is making it a point to hug everyone she sees. "What's your name?" she asks a shell-shocked Rudy after she's planted a big womanly hug on him. Richard makes a beeline for Greg and introduces himself to his future fantasy boy toy. Dirk gives a weird gangsta lean as he shakes Gervase's hand. We get a lingering shot of Colleen and Greg in a foreshadowing of all the manipulation CBS will later do to make it look as if they're having hot island monkey love. Lots of idle chatter. Ramona and Sue talk. Sean announces that although he's a doctor (cough, cough, BULLSHIT!), he's really a free spirit who likes long walks on beaches that are actually game-show sets. Gretchen listens sympathetically: As someone who has engaged in survivalist skills before, she is well aware of the way gorillas act in the mist. Richard babbles about team management to Sonja. First one to go, last one to leave. Can you feel the love? Rudy holds forth that when people talk about MTV, he's lost. He tells B.B. the only people he knows are Frank Sinatra and Perry Homo. Did he just say "Perry Homo"? DVD closed-captioning activate! Yep. Perry Homo. ["That was in the book, too." -- Wing Chun] Ramona says that in two hours she'll be lying on the floor sick. Man, she's like Kreskin! What amazing prescience. Richard tells Sonja that people could be lying. He points out Sean and mentions that Sean's going around saying he's a doctor. "I've heard that one before!" Richard says, and laughs. Sonja laughs, too, uncomfortably. He tells her that she's a little too trusting. Said the snake to the trusting bunny.

Montage of the boat's wheel, and then Richard speculating that all the boxes on board might be stuff they'll take with them to the island. Richard says they may want the castaways to "grab the shit and throw it overboard." Awwww, yeah! The first cuss word! This is way too hot for TV! Gretchen is examining a map. Sue is showing off a rat trap. (Did they know going in that they'd be eating rat?) Random comments about toilet paper and winning immunity challenges. Jeff Probst, whom we've yet to meet in person, says in voice-over that "in this special presentation of Survivor: Season One, you will relive many of the show's unforgettable moments." God help us. We'll see clips of the auditions and interview tapes. And "experience" never-before-seen footage of life on the island. And Richard's naked ass. Don't forget that, Peachy. The preceding voice over is given throughout fly-over shots of the boat and a view of the island on the horizon. Hey, I think I see Tom Hanks!