Fifty-one million viewers. Viewing parties. A backwoods backstabber. Bryant Gumbel. It doesn't get much more surreal than this. We bring you the artificially sweetened reality that is the final Survivor.
Ultimate last-episode props to the MBTV Vegas crew, Joanna, Wing and Glark, and most of all Jeff Probst for keepin' it real. It's on, Jeff, 'till the break 'a dawn. But you already knew that.
Previously on Survivor: Everybody was confused and shocked after J.R. was shot because, even though he was a bastard, no one ever thought somebody would actually try to kill the guy. So Sue Ellen came over and...oh, wait, that's Dallas. On the other show where a magnificent, corpulent bastard takes center stage, we see clips of past episodes in which sixteen Americans are stranded in Malaysia with little food and in dangerous conditions. Not to make shoes for Nike, but to win a million dollars. We see a montage of clips, including Gervase hooting, Gretchen making a fire, and a wild snake trying to bite the camera for attention. But more about Sue later. "It was to become the ultimate human experiment," narrator Jeff Probst promises. Until Survivor II which will be the ultimate cloning of a human experiment. We get clips of Sue going on about why the corporate world won't work out here (this is before her Letterman appearance and her post-Survivor endorsement deals). We get B.B. bitching and Rudy being crotchety. We get replays of a swimming challenge and of course, shots of the mysterious and not-at-all-cheesy-we-swear-love,-CBS tribal council where one member is voted off every week. We are shown the first six to be booted off the island (unlike people booted in the forums, they don't come back unless invited). We see the two tribes combining to form Rattana, which sounds like a kind of wicker furniture you would buy through a Pottery Barn catalog. We see Richard do his "I started a fire, bitches, how ya like me now?" prissy dance. We are shown the alliances forming -- Richard and his gang, Jenna and Colleen (this was an alliance the way Sad Clown Paintings were a recognized art movement: It never really took off), and Richard and Rudy (the snake and the crab, as it were). We see Sue and Kelly lose their budding Sapphic friendship. And then we see Sean's dumb ass get voted off (at the reunion special, he's the one who'll be asking, "Wait...you mean I didn't win a million dollars? Then who did I vote for?") We see the last four: Richard, Susan, Rudy and Kelly. They are in a battle to see who will be the Sole Survivor. I am in a battle to get through a two-hour episode recap. Let's see who'll be the last one standing.
Final opening credits. I'm left to wonder if they'll make the theme song sound all Australian like a Foster's beer commercial. Personally, I'll miss the chanting.
Things liven up considerably as the final three go to the tribal council. The jury comes in, and we don't get to see much of them, but Jenna is still showing off what Playboy missed out on with her tight green shirt. Jeff helpfully points out that it all falls on Kelly because Rudy and Rich's votes cancel each other out and they can't vote for Kelly who has immunity. Colleen is shown frowning as the voting factors are explained. She now looks like one of the Culkin brothers. Jeff's body is possessed by aliens from the planet Too Much Exposition. "You're queen of the island," he says, after a much lengthier speech about relationships on the island, but what he really wishes is that he could be queen of the island, wearing a saucy sarong and receiving reproachful looks from Rudy. If only, Jeff...If only...
So after all that, Kelly votes. She hesitates, and then writes something down. She brings the voting urn back to Jeff, thereby saving him the only manual labor he would have expended for the day. Jeff opens up the urn. "The fourteenth person voted off the island is..." suspense. Intrigue. A pause that shoots out babies. "Rudy," Jeff finally says, turning over the paper. Rudy gets up. "I don't blame 'er," he says. "In this case Kelly has spoken," Jeff remarks, because a good host comes up with fantastic dialogue on the spot like that. You go, booooiiiiiiieeeee. Rudy finally gets to get away from his flaming torch as it is extinguished.
Jeff explains that tomorrow night, each member of the jury will get to ask a question or make a comment, the two finalists will get to give a speech, and then the jury votes. That's it. They leave as Rudy wanders out into the woods, looking for his Navy SEAL buddies and chewing on stray tree bark. Rudy's final words are about how he got votes at the beginning, and then nobody voted against him until the final, fatal one. Rudy, we will miss you. I think you could kick the living crap out of Jack Palance in a death match.
Commercial break. More stuff to ignore. Oh, except for that commercial for the new Craig T. Nelson show on CBS. We, as a nation, must never ignore Craig T. Nelson. He is our most valuable natural resource. ["Well, we at MBTV don't give a rat's ass about his new show, and are, in fact, closing off coverage of all non-Survivor programs on CBS. Welcome home, muthafuckas." -- Wing Chun]
Day Thirty-Nine. The camp is a mess. Rich is lying in a hammock, his feet propped up on the camera, the tiny, translucent CBS logo on the heel of his foot. That's no accident, folks. Kelly and Rich are "just chillin'." Kelly is writing in her notepad (memoirs coming soon!) as Rich just keeps reassuring her that it's the last day. Kelly wanders off to a part of the island where she likes to go "do her thing." "Her thing" blessedly doesn't involve Sue. She goes to do yoga, meditate, and stretch. ["Alex Richmond told me Kelly's yoga technique is ass. I believe her." -- Wing Chun] She says she does this every day, but of course the selective editing didn't want you to know that until now. Jesus and The Devil return to make their homes on her shoulders again as she brings up her dealings with Sue yet again. Jesus gets bored and falls asleep. The Devil gets really mad and yells at her to shut up already or he'll stab her eardrum with a pitchfork, but she doesn't seem to notice.
Rich is reflecting. Even sneaky editing can't hide the fact that nothing, nothing is happening on the island. Maybe Jeff should belly dance or something, because this has just slowed to a dead crawl.
Before they go, Kelly and Rich decide to burn everything they don't need, from the spoons to the faux-wicker-whatevers, to SuperPole 2000, the pole that never hurt anybody, yet is now subjected to a fiery death. Rich and Kelly have obviously never heard of eBay. They even burn the poor, defenseless Rattana flag. Somebody at CBS's marketing and sales department is passing out right now. Kelly has apparently relocated from the island of Sappho to the Bay of Catharsis. Stuff burns. They watch. Even destruction seems boring.
Rich says he'll miss the stars and the sea. Kelly says she wants to just get through the day. Rich says he doesn't think anybody is vindictive about the vote. Rich obviously doesn't truly know the nature of a boy named Sue. Kelly says she respects Rich's honesty. As they pack up their things to head to tribal council, a basket of crabs pokes around. Kelly and Rich walk off, and I breathe a sigh of relief. The boring, morning-before festivities have officially ended. On the way, Rich reflects that he won't be sad if he loses. "But I really want the million," he says. Honest to the end.
We then get an insultingly lame montage of all the things they left behind. Oh, there's some sand and a chunk of wood! Some canteens on a log. Oh, stop, you're making me sad! A box! Oh shit, I've got tears, Mark, quit it! A denim cap and some shells! Not since Schindler's List...
As they trudge through the forest, we get Sean of all people elucidating on how these two people made it and how they are to be admired. Don't you have some soap opera lines to memorize or something? Gervase says he admires Kelly for keeping under the radar and winning so many challenges.
“ Bamboo, more sand. A choir is singing. Honestly. My chairs and my futon start bawling. ”
More sadness at the empty camp. A mask. An umbrella. Is it possible for a group of inanimate objects to win an Emmy?
Rudy says he likes Rich; he's a good leader, smart and the guy who brought the Alliance together. Greg talks about Kelly going through identity crises. Very astute observations. Seriously. I vote Greg as smartest on the island.
The montage continues. Bamboo, more sand. A choir is singing. Honestly. My chairs and my futon start bawling.
Colleen says something very nonsensical. I won't detract from her loveliness by repeating it here. Jenna talks about herself, because that's the focus here, and says she couldn't have been mean and lied. Oh and her turn-ons include walking on public beaches, sad songs and watching The Rose with someone special. Sue says she's got both guns loaded and she's going to fire them at the tribal council. She's ready and waiting to get up there, script memorized. This is going to end badly, I can tell...
The jury walks in to the tribal council. Gervase is wearing a shirt with the number "9" which signifies the number of children he has sired this week. Jeff lists the stakes: One person wins $100,000. The other person wins a Pontiac Aztek (when did that happen?) and a million dollars. Jeff congratulates everybody, even the losers, because everybody's special here. (Pamie, if you're reading this, I'm thinking about the kids. You know what I'm talking about.) ["And you're both going to hell." -- Niki] ["Wait for me!" -- Wing Chun] Jeff says everybody played the game very well. But not as well as Rich. "If we were voting tonight for the sweetest person, you could make a strong case for Sonja, maybe, or Gretchen." He gives senior salutations: Most athletic are Gervase and Joel. Best outdoors person: Greg. "Rich and Kelly are the two people sitting here. Clearly these two played the best. So let's begin the final tribal council." Whew!
Opening remarks: Kelly says she's not a politician. She didn't come to campaign. Kelly says she knows it's just a game and she's tried not to take things personally and hopes that she won't be judged on how she played the game, but rather the person she is. She says she got to know everybody because she cared and wanted to know about everybody else. Fair enough.
Rich disagrees, but very nicely. He feels it is about who played the game better. "My approach to the game was one of strategy from the very beginning." He says he planned even before he arrived on the island. In essence, he doesn't think anybody knows anybody else on a truly personal level after thirty-nine days, so don't vote on who you think you know better.
After many, many commercials, the jury speaks. Gervase starts. He asks if there's any one, two or three things they would change. Rich says he got too comfortable trusting what was said by others. Kelly wishes she hadn't joined the Alliance when she did. The girl is a little confused. Still. Jenna asks which two other contestants they would put in their place. Rich says Rudy for his loyalty and the way he played and Greg because he was big competition. (And let's just say it: He thinks Greg's hot. It's obvious.) Kelly answers Sonja and Gretchen because they were smart, strong, honest, admirable women. Sean takes a break from studying tapes of Matt LeBlanc to forego asking a question and instead commenting that he loves everybody, even Sue. He talks about how much he liked Rich's "Fat Naked Fag" idea, which he will repeat in the reunion later. Okay, Sean, just because you befriended a gay guy doesn't mean you get to go around saying "Fat Naked Fag" all the time. Are we clear, Doc? Colleen comes up all dimples and sugar and spice, and asks what character traits got them both where they are. That's like a Miss Teen USA Pageant question, not that I would know about that...Kelly opts for "faith" because of how close she was for so long to being voted off. "That stupid necklace" was what kept her going. Rich goes for self-awareness, observation and ethics. Colleen snickers at "observation" and follows that up asking about the game Rich lost where he didn't know personal details about people. "It's a different kind of observation," he says. More about sneaky observation of character traits and who can be trusted, not trivia. Again, fair enough. Colleen looks bored by the answer. Rudy gets up and says he feels dumb for the mistake he made. People laugh. Greg gets up. "Rich," he says. "Choose a number between one and ten." "Seven," Rich says instantly. Kelly chooses "three." Greg sits down. "Character is character," Jeff says. The hell does that mean?
I take a deep breath as Sue gets up. Here is her speech in its entirety. Honestly, I can't improve on this.
“ I wipe myself off the floor from my seizure that came from knowing I just saw the best hateful speech ever given on network television. ”
Um, I have no questions. I just have statements. Rich, you are very openly arrogant, pompous human being. [that whole sentence = sic] I admire your frankness with it. You have worked hard to get where you're at and you started working hard way before you come to the island. So with my work ethic background, I give that credit to you. But on the other hand, your inability to admit your failures without going into a whiny speech makes you a bit of a loser in life. [Colleen giggles and turns away. Santa Claus marks Sue off his good list and starts writing her name on the bad one.] Kelly...the rafting persona queen. You did get stomped on national TV by a city boy that never swam let alone been in the woods or jungle or rowed a boat in his life. [again, sic] You sucked on that game. Anyways, I was your friend, at the beginning of this, really thinking that you were a true friend. I was willing to be sitting there and put you to me. At that time you were sweeter than me. I'm not a very openly nice person. I'm just frank, forward and tell it the way it is. To have you sit there to me and me lose $900,000 just to stomp on someone like this. But as the game went along and the two tribes merged, you lied to me. Person that you are, you're very two-faced and manipoolative [even more sic] to get where you're at an' where you are in life. That's why you fail all the time. ["Interesting," Kelly says weakly.] So at that point of the game, I decided then to go out with my alliance with my family and to hold my dignity and values in check and hoping I hadn't lost too many of them. And, uh, play the game as long as possible and hang in there as long as possible. But Kelly, go back to a couple of times Jeff said to you what goes around comes around. It's here. You will not get my vote. My vote will go to Richard. And I hope that is the one vote that makes you lose the money. If it's not, so be it. I'll shake your hand and I'll go on from here. But if I was ever to pass you along in life again and you were laying there, dying of thirst, I would not give you a drink of water. I would let the vultures take you. And do whatever they want with ya. With no ill regrets. [Even Rudy looks shocked here.][Big, actorly-voice finale] I plead to the jury tonight to think a little bit about the island that we have been on. This island is pretty much full of only two things. Snakes and rats. And in the end of mother nature, we have Richard the snake -- who knowingly went after prey -- and Kelly, who turned into the rat that ran around like the rats do on this island, trying to run from the snake. I feel we owe it to the island's spirits that we have learned to come to know to let it be in the end the way mother nature intended to be. For the snake to eat the rat. [dirty, dirty stare. Sue sits down. Commercial.]
After I wipe myself off the floor from my seizure that came from knowing I just saw the best hateful speech ever given on network television, I manage to shake myself awake through some commercials. Oh, man. Did she really just say all that? I go back and read. Yep, she said it. Boy, was I wrong about Sue! Boy, howdy. Color me embarrassed!
“ Gervase is my lazy, mucho-fathering hero. ”
Here come closing remarks. Kelly responds, "Sue, I'm sorry you feel that way." She says she could turn the tables around on Sue, but won't. "I hope you vote how you feel," she says. I'm thinking Kelly is toast. Rich says he wouldn't change what he did and hopes they respect that it's what he needed to do to win the game.
Jeff reminds the jury of what the stakes are (carefully plugging the Pontiac Aztek, a proud sponsor of Survivor). Just Peachy says this vote is different because they're voting for someone instead of against. Got that? ["I really had my doubts that every member of the jury did understand that going in. Right, Sean, I was thinking of you." -- Niki]
The vote begins. Gervase holds up "Kelly -- Go Girl." He sticks up for Kelly, saying she played better than anybody else. As for Sue, he says, "In my town, that's what we call a 'sore loser.'" He says it disgusts him and she's foul. He also compares her to the snake and the rat. I've never seen Gervase so bitter. He says he hopes Kelly wins and stuffs it in Sue's face. He beats his chest twice and walks off. Gervase is my lazy, mucho-fathering hero.
Jenna votes for Kelly and gives a touchy-feely speech about how Kelly is sweet and great. No Playboy joke here, unfortunately.
Sean votes for Rich, trying to speak for the jury and the "general sentiment," and cites Kelly for being manipulative and two-faced. He also says "fat naked fag" twice more. Sean, it's time for you to go. Again, fucker.
Colleen votes for Kelly, having changed her vote from Rich because of Kelly's will in the face of Sue. "Rich doesn't need it," she says. Colleen is coming across as a bit tipsy here. But not in a bad way.
Sue votes for Rich. She starts talking some more. Just. Shut. Up.
Rudy votes for Rich. "We had an alliance to the end and I'm fulfillin' my obligation."
Greg sniffs the marker, writes his vote and we cut away before we see it.
Rich complains that he can't breathe. "This has been an amazing experiment, I can't wait to see how it turns out," Jeff says, sounding remarkably like Casey Kasem. After an eternity of consultation with producers, Jeff returns. "There will be one survivor," Jeff says, "And it won't be Christopher Lambert."
First vote: Rich. Second vote: Kelly. Third vote: Rich. Fourth vote: Kelly. Fifth vote: Rich. Sixth vote: Kelly (Go Girl). Seventh vote... "I need water and oxygen," Rich says. "The winner of the first Survivor competition...is Rich." Rich lets out a gust of air, hugs Kelly and shakes Jeff's hand. It's over. My God, it's over. Everybody hugs except Sue and Kelly. Kelly avoids Sue like a rat avoids a snake. Game over, folks.
Cheesy, cheesy, Wisconsin-cheesy ending with a clean-shaven Rich in a voice-over saying how amazing it is to win. He is shown alone at the tribal council holding the paper with the last vote. He talks about helping his family. We see him on an airplane, leaving the airport, getting into his brand-new car. He is clean-shaven and suited. Nobody meets him at the airport. This is the most staged presentation, ever. Al Gore is at home watching and bitching because people think he gives a stiff, lifeless performance. Rich opens his million-dollar-check envelope (don't worry, it's standard-sized, not Publisher's Clearinghouse-sized) and drives off in an ugly black vehicle that looks like the product of an SUV getting dry humped by a Honda CRX. ["Thank you, Omar, for finding the words. That thing left me speechless." -- Niki] We cut immediately into Bryant Gumbel's awful hosting of the Survivor reunion, which you'll be reading about very, very soon.
Goodnight campers. And remember, only kids who don't do drugs are real Survivors.