Fifty-one million viewers. Viewing parties. A backwoods backstabber. Bryant Gumbel. It doesn't get much more surreal than this. We bring you the artificially sweetened reality that is the final Survivor.
Ultimate last-episode props to the MBTV Vegas crew, Joanna, Wing and Glark, and most of all Jeff Probst for keepin' it real. It's on, Jeff, 'till the break 'a dawn. But you already knew that.
Previously on Survivor: Everybody was confused and shocked after J.R. was shot because, even though he was a bastard, no one ever thought somebody would actually try to kill the guy. So Sue Ellen came over and...oh, wait, that's Dallas. On the other show where a magnificent, corpulent bastard takes center stage, we see clips of past episodes in which sixteen Americans are stranded in Malaysia with little food and in dangerous conditions. Not to make shoes for Nike, but to win a million dollars. We see a montage of clips, including Gervase hooting, Gretchen making a fire, and a wild snake trying to bite the camera for attention. But more about Sue later. "It was to become the ultimate human experiment," narrator Jeff Probst promises. Until Survivor II which will be the ultimate cloning of a human experiment. We get clips of Sue going on about why the corporate world won't work out here (this is before her Letterman appearance and her post-Survivor endorsement deals). We get B.B. bitching and Rudy being crotchety. We get replays of a swimming challenge and of course, shots of the mysterious and not-at-all-cheesy-we-swear-love,-CBS tribal council where one member is voted off every week. We are shown the first six to be booted off the island (unlike people booted in the forums, they don't come back unless invited). We see the two tribes combining to form Rattana, which sounds like a kind of wicker furniture you would buy through a Pottery Barn catalog. We see Richard do his "I started a fire, bitches, how ya like me now?" prissy dance. We are shown the alliances forming -- Richard and his gang, Jenna and Colleen (this was an alliance the way Sad Clown Paintings were a recognized art movement: It never really took off), and Richard and Rudy (the snake and the crab, as it were). We see Sue and Kelly lose their budding Sapphic friendship. And then we see Sean's dumb ass get voted off (at the reunion special, he's the one who'll be asking, "Wait...you mean I didn't win a million dollars? Then who did I vote for?") We see the last four: Richard, Susan, Rudy and Kelly. They are in a battle to see who will be the Sole Survivor. I am in a battle to get through a two-hour episode recap. Let's see who'll be the last one standing.
Final opening credits. I'm left to wonder if they'll make the theme song sound all Australian like a Foster's beer commercial. Personally, I'll miss the chanting.
CBS shows a commercial for City of Angels right smack in the middle of this ratings bonanza. season's prognosis -- ratings will surge for the hospital drama, bringing the number of loyal viewers up to a total of seven.
The last episode of Survivor opens with an early-morning shot of the four remaining unlit torches propped up and facing the beach. The immunity necklace hangs on Kelly's torch. Kelly is sleeping like some sort of misguided angel gone astray on some sort of path that I might know more about if I'd ever read The Bible all the way through. Richard stands, proudly, paunchily, watching the water. In a voice-over and then confessional, Rich says that time is running short and he feels very comfortable with the way things are going. History will prove him to be a cunning, yet keenly aware, bastard-muffin.
Sue is on the beach and she is rubbing sand all over her scummy, yet disgusting and immoral self. (Oh I'm sorry, I should have said this earlier -- I'm not a Sue fan. There will probably be a lot worse said later on, but seeing as how she's already made me sterile with her leg shaving, I think I'm entitled to have some choice words. Curse words, even.) So, anyway, Sue is slathering earth over evil and talking about how there's only about sixty hours left and she can stand it for a million dollars. we see her shaving Rudy (On his face! Thank all the deities that ever have been and shall be. It's only his face she's shaving!) with one of her razors. It's peach fuzz, she says, but he wants it shaven. Rudy is into nothing that is either warm or fuzzy. Rudy explains that the ladies got razors in their care packages and so after they shave their legs, he wants to shave his face. Rudy, why don't you just rub your face on Sue's thigh, starting a friction fire, and just burn your facial hair off? It'll be just like laser hair removal. Rudy walks off looking smooth and sinewy and crew-cutted. Kelly even notices, taking time out from her various moral crises which now include whether rice can feel pain when you bite into it and whether breathing air might somehow deprive some poor animal in Kenya of that same amount of oxygen.
At Rowdy Rudy's Diner, Rudy says they've cooked about two hundred pots of rice (all good, yum yum). He's personally lost about twenty-two pounds. If I were those pounds, he would have scared me into disappearing, too. As Sue and Rich pick up some rice (Kelly's not around, so we have to assume she's taking an anti-rice-cruelty stance), Rich says in a confessional that his body is a wreck. His hair is longer than it usually is (although it looks pretty short to me), there's no bicep left and he's lost thirty pounds, but his skin (especially the gut) is all loosy-goosy.
We pan up Kelly's bug-bitten legs as she talks about losing weight and losing muscle. She's also lost a hunk of sanity, she says, but is proud that she's kept her sense of melodrama. It will serve her well on post-Survivor interviews. She also didn't think the contest would be as mental as it was. Um, Kelly. Sean made it to the final five. Sean. Just so we're clear on the mental part: S-E-A-N.
Sue gets the bit of spotlight as she prattles on about sleeping to your enemy, eating to your enemy and just having to treat them civilly. Sue is of course required by the laws of the show to sleep to Kelly every night, sit down and eat to Kelly, pop Kelly's pimples, rub mud off Kelly's glistening, wet body and, oh I don't know, think lustily about Kelly and then cry about how Kelly reminds Sue of her long-lost best friend that died, right? Those are the rules, correct? How terrible that must be, Sue, to be forced into doing all that by CBS. You've got my vote, if only in sympathy, dear, tortured woman.
The four last survivors are shown walking in weird slow motion on the beach as a pounding drum keeps a beat going. Yes, this is so Bataan Death March, I get it. Rudy, in voice-over, gets nostalgic about the Alliance. We had it all, he says. We could pick off anybody we wanted. We were mighty, we were powerful, we were young! Well, all except the young part. Now, with the final four, they're all on their own.
Richard is again schoolin' us on how to play the game. He says he was shocked by how few people were planning at the beginning. He reiterates the Outwit, Outplay, Outlast motto as we are shown little flags bearing those very words. Rudy says in a separate voice-over that you have to make an alliance and get people on your side or not even bother to show up. Karaoke works the same way. ["Sing it, Omar! That rival karaoke gang never stood a chance." -- Niki] Kelly talks about how she was in the Alliance and then she didn't want to be in it anymore. Because of her spine. The one that's not there. Sue says that Kelly stopped voting with the Alliance after Gretchen to make herself look good to the mostly Pagong jury. Kelly says she bit off more than she could chew and it all exploded (was it a taste sensation? Was it like Starburst?). Sue says she is annoyed with Kelly's behavior because there was no way we could ever have known that, given Sue's demure demeanor. Sue reveals that she thinks she can win the million dollars with Arrogant Rich by her side (her nickname, not mine) rather than with Kelly by her side (I would have chosen "Klepto Kelly" again, but Sue is a bigger person than me in this one instance). Rich tells his side of the Kelly/Sue debacle; he wouldn't have known that Kelly and Sue were plotting if Sue hadn't said anything. "It's kinda neat, cute, nice that the initial four were the final four," Rich says. But those days are over now. Place your bets. ["We did. Wing and I lost. I'm still bitter." -- Niki]
Walking on the beach, the tired, weary, sweaty Flaccid Four find the clue to their immunity challenge. It's called "Ode to the Fallen Comrades." Sue says, and I'm quoting here: "Message. Message. Message. Ooh." Revealed are Polaroids™ of the people who've been voted off. Rich guesses it'll be a quiz, and the clue reveals that it will involve knowledge of those voted off. I'm guessing Rudy will tank here, and he reveals that he doesn't know or care about anybody else. Rich, who just fielded a question from Rudy about what Sean did for a living, seems to agree. Kelly, on the other hand, might have an advantage in that she is the only one left who cared about anybody else. Just sayin'.
Kelly carries logs over to the fire as Sue talks about how the three vultures -- er, "Rich, Rudy and she," are getting along great and that they just want to get Kelly out of there. "I feel completely vulnerable. I feel odd-man-out. It's really stressful and it's kinda scary because I'm not safe anymore," Kelly says. Rudy says Kelly would be gone if she hadn't won the last two immunities. Isn't it more like fifteen or twenty immunities? I mean, seriously, she's a bad-ass. So keep stirring the rice, Rudy, because I'm sure that's the immunity challenge that you won't win. Kelly says that the one person she cared about was Sue, and that's soured. "So I don't give a crap about anybody on this island anymore. I'm here for me and everybody else can kiss my ass." Hugh Hefner tells his staff to start kissing so they can get her to pose nude in Playboy. We go to a commercial break to ease all of the tension of a two-hour show where virtually nothing happens until the very end.
Twenty thousand commercials later...By the way, Big Brother is not fit to share a house, much less a network, with Survivor. Even on CBS. And I hate CBS.
Montage of island beauty: a crab, some waves, a worm. Wait, this show takes place on an island? By some water? Damn, give me some stock footage so I can catch up...Without warning, we are thrust to the first of three tribal councils. Except this first one will combine the immunity challenge so that they vote right after the challenge is over. The jury comes in. Jenna is wearing increasingly tight clothing, which will probably culminate in her using an Ace bandage as a tube top for the reunion special. Colleen continues her quest to look like a twelve-year-old boy. Jeff is...well, if you've seen Jeff Probst once, you know exactly what he looks like and exactly what he's wearing. He's nothing if not consistent. He says the immunity game is called "Fallen Comrades." It's about what they've learned about the other castaways while they've been there. Ten questions. The person with the most points wins. Easy, right?
First question: Who received only one vote at the first tribal council? Answer: Stacy. Rudy and Sue get it right. Second question: In the Treasure Island Relay, who ran what events? I refuse to transcribe the results on the grounds that if you even remember what the Treasure Island Relay is, you've watched that episode one too many times already. Sue, Richard and Kelly get it right. Question three: Whose shirt is this? A ratty blue shirt is passed around. Rudy smells it. It smells like stank. Kelly's right -- it was Jenna's. It smelled like pretty stank that would interest Hugh Hefner. question: What state is Gervase from? (My private answer: "The state of One Charming Muthafucka.") Sue, Rich and Rudy get it right: New Jersey. one: Whose blue bandana is this? Answer: Greg's. Kelly is the only one who gets it. Question six: What are the names of these two girls? A picture is shown of Jenna's kids. Sabrina and Sadie. Kelly's the only one who gets it and even goes for extra credit by writing the girls' middle names. Question the seventh: Other than the raft and personal belongings, what three items did Pagong bring to Tagi beach? Answers: blanket, mosquito net and pot. Rudy, Kelly and Sue get it. Kelly is leading. Question eight: Name the two Pagong members who did not compete in the obstacle course. Answer: Gervase and Colleen. Rudy, Kelly and Sue get it. Richard might be dumb here, but I prefer to assume that it's part of some grand "losing strategy" he is employing. Question nine: Sean was chief resident of what department in the hospital? (No snickering here.) Answer: neurology. Everybody but Kelly gets it. ["And I happen to think that, for some reason, she wrote the wrong answer. Because who didn't know Sean was a neurologist? Dogs know it!" -- Wing Chun] Question ten: Jeff asks, "Am I wearing any underwear?" He looks quizzically at the card. "Oh, sorry. How did that get in there?"
The REAL last question: In order, list the survivors voted off the Pagong tribe. Answer: B.B., Ramona, Joel, Gretchen, Greg, Jenna, Gervase and Colleen. Sue, Richard and Kelly get it. Tiebreaker question between Kelly and Sue: What is Sonja's last name? Kelly gets the right answer: Christopher. Kelly wins her fourth consecutive immunity and puts on the necklace. Everybody else looks shell-shocked. Jeff asks if she usually listens to people, because as he demonstrated in the "bar" over Bud Lights, he has no idea how to do that.
Time to vote. Richard votes. "Who knows why," he says. Good man. Rudy votes for Sue. "Her number was up," he says. Word. Kelly bops up like she owns the place and writes down Rich's name. "It's time for Rich to get off...the stage," she says. ["Thank god she clarified." -- Niki] When did Kelly get this renewed confidence? Oh, yeah. She won all the immunity challenges. Sue votes without speaking, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief (so does my cat, whose ears I have to bandage for fear they will melt under the strain of broadcasting Sue's voice into her poor little brain). Jeff blessedly keeps his comments to a minimum as he starts reading the votes. First vote, Sue. vote, Rich. one, Sue. Last vote, Rich. "Our first tie," Rich says. Peachy Probst says that what's been a long day and long night is going to get even longer. Rich and Sue will not vote. They each get thirty seconds to try to convince Kelly and Rudy to change their vote. Wait, WHAT?! What if they don't want to change their vote? You think you're going to get Rudy to change his mind about anything? Can't they get a swing vote from the jury? I don't understand this process at all. That's what happens when you rely on a two-villain political system.
Rich starts his campaign with, "Well, Kells Bells." Brilliant. Personalize it, baby. Rich says he'd love to stay and it's been an interesting road: "We worked well together and I have a certain responsibility for pulling the Alliance together in the first place." He ends with, "Love you, Sue," and if that isn't sneaky-slimy, I don't know what is. Have you noticed that Rich got nicer and nicer the closer he got to the million dollars? Sue gives the voters a big "fuck you" by announcing that they can do whatever they wanna do. It's no "I Like Ike," but hey, it may work.
The vote is on (and with this tie, it may indeed be on 'till the break 'a dawn). Rudy votes for Sue again, "for the same reason." Rich and Sue hug and now I see how they get those snakes to curl around on the Blue Shield logo. Kelly gets up to vote. She hesitates, staring down at the blank piece of paper. She bobs her head. Blinks a couple of times. Her immunity necklace sits there, like a paean to wishy-washiness. She finally flicks her head and starts writing. We cut away.
Jeff gets the most exercise he's gotten this entire season by going back and forth to get the voting jug. After what seems like an eternity, (consulting producers back there, much?) he comes back. First vote. Sue. Second vote. Wait for it...wait for it...Probst turns over the paper. It says, "Sue." Sue gets up, saying she's ready to go. She laughs, not at all bitter, it seems, as Kelly looks around uncomfortably. Sue says, "You...!" and giggles. Kelly says, "Have a smoke and a coffee." Sue says, "I will." This is the bottom half of a wild mood swing. Be prepared. Sue gets her torch snuffed out as she laughs and smiles and waves goodbye. Oh man, what a good sport! I can't believe she's so cool with all this. I mean, I'd be all bitter and yell at Kelly, but I guess Sue just doesn't have it in her to be so petty and rude and sour about it all. Wow, maybe I've misjudged her. Maybe Sue's all right. You know what? I love Sue. There, I said it. I love Sue and her rubber voice box. Love, love, love. I love me some Sue.
Peachy says goodbye. Sue walks down the bridge. Kelly lowers her head in Ultimate Survivor Shame. Jeff says the last immunity challenge is tomorrow and he'll be waking them up. "I'll see you back at camp." Um, guys? That's your cue to leave. The three engage in slow-motion walking off. Sue gets her final words. She says she appreciates being able to talk to everybody for the last time. She says she's happy to have made it to the final four. The island, she says, was a lot easier than trucking. Wow, Sue is soooo cool. What an amazing amount of restraint and poise and self-control and...what's the word I'm looking for...? Grace. Yep, that's Sue to a tee. Sue, Sue, full of grace. She is the Jackie O. of the island. Let us bow our heads and remember Sue, because I'm sure this is the impression of Sue's personality that we will always remember when we look back on Survivor. Her graceful exit.
After some commercials, it's dark. Four AM on Day Thirty-Eight. Jeff hops off a boat, barefoot and flashlighted. He comes to the Rattana camp bearing not gifts, but a bright, cloud-busting smirk. He flashes a light on Rich and wakes up the camp. He tells the group to get up, put on something comfortable, and come on over to the boat. Rudy looks over groggily, wondering if there are any laws against killing a game-show host. They go on a long boat ride, although it's never made clear why a long ride was necessary when they've only just crossed to another beach. It's not like they had to hit the Survivor Bar this time. In slow motion, they come to a long strip of sand. They sit and Jeff explains that they are passing through a final rite of passage that leads to their last immunity challenge. First, they must walk through some palm fronds while the natives chant, "Sandovar," which translates roughly into, "We work for scale." Then, the survivors must pass through a place where the torches of the previously booted-off castaways stand. Jeff asks that they take a moment to reflect. Jeff, why don't you take a moment to pucker up and reflect on my -- ... as we were saying, the step is to walk through some hot embers burning at twelve-hundred degrees. Do what? Then, the final insult: They have to lump mud all over themselves again as they do this. So what's Kelly going to do without Sue to rub all the mud off of her naked body? It's sad even to think of it.
In slow motion, Rudy, Kelly and Rich walk through. The "natives," who look like muddy extras from a J. Crew photo shoot, wave the fronds, chanting. We come to the torches, and as each one is shown, we get a little sad montage of each fallen comrade. Let's listen to what they have to say, shall we?
Sonja: I would really prefer that you stop referring to me as either "the ukulele lady" or "that one old chick that got booted off the first week on Survivor." I survived cancer, you know. And if there's ever casting for Golden Girls: The Generation, you know Mark Burnett's got my number.B.B.: You've already forgotten me. It's okay. I barely remember my own name.
Stacy: I got voted off early, so what? At least my legs aren't withered and scarred like that one chick's.
Ramona: I [bleaaghh...] want to say that [buuuurrrffff] my time on the [aaaaacccckkk!] island was filled with [gurgle, spit, hhhwwwwwwaaarrkkk] struggle, but... [unintelligible, choking sounds].
Dirk: I was walking along the beach of Palau Tiga. And Jesus came to me. And he said he had been walking with me during my days on Survivor. But when I looked, I only saw one set of footprints. I asked him about that and he said unto me, "That's when I was on one of Kelly's shoulders, while The Devil sat on the other side. Sorry about that. It was a really busy day."
Joel: This show gave me so many ideas for frat hazings that I shall never want again. Thanks Mark!
Gretchen: On the planet "Fair" I will always be a winner. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on Planet Fucking Earth with Rich.
Greg: Beige is cool. Beige is pretty effin' cool. I should build that moat.
Jenna: I was the moral and emotional center of the show, even after it was over and I turned down Playboy. Just between you and me, though, I'm holding out for $1.2 million from Naked Island Asscheeks magazine.
Gervase: Having already impregnated more women than the entire U.S. military forces during the Vietnam War combined, do you think I will ever have a problem getting laid ever again? I didn't think so. Who's the winner now? Hey, I heard that. Stop singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone."
Colleen: I'm the cutest one, yes. But have you seen the rest of the castaways?
Sean: I like Jell-O.
Sue: You really want to know what I think? Give me about forty-five minutes. I'll see you then.
The three remaining survivors walk through the fire, according to Jeff, to channel their time on the island into one powerful experience. Jeff wavers as he explains. I really think he's starting to lose faith in these scripts. I'm thinking, "Ouch, ouch, OUCH!" Jeff reveals a set of platforms and says the immunity challenge is simple. It's called "Hands on the Immunity Idol," which is an obvious homage to the contest in Longview, Texas, about which a documentary was made called Hands on a Hard Body. If you've not seen this film, run, don't walk, to your video store and rent it because it's brilliant. But finish reading this recap first. Jeff the Joyous explains that the object of the challenge is to keep a hand on the oversized immunity doll at all times. If they take their hand off, they lose. They can move their feet, but no taking the hand off, capisce? The last person standing gets immunity. "I have a request for sixty-nine bottles of beer," Rich says. He is one gregarious guy lately, huh? After an hour (we know this because it says, "Elapsed Time: 1 hour") Jeff asks what Rudy's wife would think about these shenanigans. Rudy says she would walk away and think he was silly, but she'd walk through fire if he asked her to. ["Did anyone else find that a little ominous?" -- Niki] ["Yes." -- Wing Chun] Kelly tries to ingratiate herself, saying that she seems to do exciting things like skydiving. Jeff asks Kelly what Rudy's wife's name is. "Marge," Kelly answers immediately. Rich admits he doesn't know that. So we've established that Kelly has a photographic memory for useless details and Rich...well, Rich just doesn't care.
More time passes. This is the least exciting immunity challenge ever, just in time for the climactic finale. At an hour-and-a-half, Rudy is stooped over. Jeff the Jester says he's going to go get lunch. Way to rub salt in the wound, Jeffie. The Probst Provocateur brings out orange slices and says that when the competitors drop out, they can have the slices. He even forces them to smell the oranges. Jeff beats Rich this week as Most Magnificent Bastard. Kelly refuses to smell the oranges. Smart move. More time passes. I go get a beer. My cat rolls up a catnip joint.
At two-and-a-half hours, Rich decides to give a speech. He says he can't hope to outlast Kelly. He says he hopes they recognize his contributions, then he lets go. Brilliant strategy, that losing thing. Rich hops off and digs into some oranges. He gives another speech about mental strategy. "It doesn't mean I'm giving up a million dollars," he says. Rich, you are a smart, smart cookie. In fact, you look like a cookie. A smart one. Time passes again, this time measured by the cheesiest usage of an hourglass in the history of cheesy-hourglass usage. I hear the Days of Our Lives theme in my head.
At three hours, Jeff returns again with a lemon-laden drink. Rich drinks of it. The others plan to get down to switch positions, which they will do every thirty minutes. Rich chills out, lying on his back. At three hours, thirty minutes, I'm so bored I take a drag of the catnip. Jeff tries to make conversation again, asking Rich if he was surprised that Kelly changed her vote. "It's all about what's in your best interest," Rich responds. Kelly looks on, snarling. Rich talks about Kelly and Sue's sub-Alliance. "I did trust her," Kelly chimes in. She goes on, re-explaining it all while Rudy watches, wondering where exactly her heart is in relation to a knife he wishes he had brought along. Rich explains how he and Rudy made the historic Gay/Homophobe Survivor Treaty of 2000 happen, which stipulates that they stick together to the end, "but not in that way," as Rudy would say.
Bored, bored, bored. This is like watching mud dry in the sun. Oh, wait, that is what we're watching. Mud dry on their thinning carcasses as Jamba Juice Jeff looks on. Sand crabs pass. Waves come in. In Texas, a skinny black cat gets high on catnip. Some kid gets beat up on the streets of Brooklyn as Tom Joad looks on, ready to step in. It's sloooow, is what I'm saying. At four hours, Jeff again says that can't get over how Richard just chose to step down. He accuses Rich of orchestrating it so Rudy does his dirty work for him. Jeff astutely observes that the Alliance is out of Rich's hands. Rudy comments that he was hoping Rich would be the worker bee. As they swap places, Rudy takes his hand off absently. Kelly points it out. She wins again. She gets the immunity necklace and, even better, a hug from Rich. We go to commercial before I have a chance to pass out.
Lots of Survivor-inspired commercials. Ask me if I give a grilled rat's ass..
Later that day and back at camp, Kelly is gloating. She says she knew the only way she would get this far was with the immunity necklace as her constant accessory. Rich again explains how he knew he wasn't going to win. Kelly recounts it as a goofy thing for Rich to do, given his "noble" speech. Rich maintains that even if he's voted off, it was still a good idea to quit. You know, I liked it better when they did the immunity challenge (an active immunity challenge) and then didn't talk about it for five more hours. The fewer people on the island, the more chance for nothing to happen, I guess. Rudy is beating himself up for what he perceives to be a dumb move. Oh, come now, Rudy, it's not that bad. At least you weren't hallucinating and singing gospel songs. Rudy doesn't care what I say. He makes like the monk in The Name of the Rose and self-flagellates until he bleeds.
More whining from Kelly. She's worried about the vote, she's relieved to win the immunity. We've seen this same scene like five times already. But no, she goes on. "I'm so relieved," "I'm worried," blah, blah, blah boiled ratcakes.
Things liven up considerably as the final three go to the tribal council. The jury comes in, and we don't get to see much of them, but Jenna is still showing off what Playboy missed out on with her tight green shirt. Jeff helpfully points out that it all falls on Kelly because Rudy and Rich's votes cancel each other out and they can't vote for Kelly who has immunity. Colleen is shown frowning as the voting factors are explained. She now looks like one of the Culkin brothers. Jeff's body is possessed by aliens from the planet Too Much Exposition. "You're queen of the island," he says, after a much lengthier speech about relationships on the island, but what he really wishes is that he could be queen of the island, wearing a saucy sarong and receiving reproachful looks from Rudy. If only, Jeff...If only...
So after all that, Kelly votes. She hesitates, and then writes something down. She brings the voting urn back to Jeff, thereby saving him the only manual labor he would have expended for the day. Jeff opens up the urn. "The fourteenth person voted off the island is..." suspense. Intrigue. A pause that shoots out babies. "Rudy," Jeff finally says, turning over the paper. Rudy gets up. "I don't blame 'er," he says. "In this case Kelly has spoken," Jeff remarks, because a good host comes up with fantastic dialogue on the spot like that. You go, booooiiiiiiieeeee. Rudy finally gets to get away from his flaming torch as it is extinguished.
Jeff explains that tomorrow night, each member of the jury will get to ask a question or make a comment, the two finalists will get to give a speech, and then the jury votes. That's it. They leave as Rudy wanders out into the woods, looking for his Navy SEAL buddies and chewing on stray tree bark. Rudy's final words are about how he got votes at the beginning, and then nobody voted against him until the final, fatal one. Rudy, we will miss you. I think you could kick the living crap out of Jack Palance in a death match.
Commercial break. More stuff to ignore. Oh, except for that commercial for the new Craig T. Nelson show on CBS. We, as a nation, must never ignore Craig T. Nelson. He is our most valuable natural resource. ["Well, we at MBTV don't give a rat's ass about his new show, and are, in fact, closing off coverage of all non-Survivor programs on CBS. Welcome home, muthafuckas." -- Wing Chun]
Day Thirty-Nine. The camp is a mess. Rich is lying in a hammock, his feet propped up on the camera, the tiny, translucent CBS logo on the heel of his foot. That's no accident, folks. Kelly and Rich are "just chillin'." Kelly is writing in her notepad (memoirs coming soon!) as Rich just keeps reassuring her that it's the last day. Kelly wanders off to a part of the island where she likes to go "do her thing." "Her thing" blessedly doesn't involve Sue. She goes to do yoga, meditate, and stretch. ["Alex Richmond told me Kelly's yoga technique is ass. I believe her." -- Wing Chun] She says she does this every day, but of course the selective editing didn't want you to know that until now. Jesus and The Devil return to make their homes on her shoulders again as she brings up her dealings with Sue yet again. Jesus gets bored and falls asleep. The Devil gets really mad and yells at her to shut up already or he'll stab her eardrum with a pitchfork, but she doesn't seem to notice.
Rich is reflecting. Even sneaky editing can't hide the fact that nothing, nothing is happening on the island. Maybe Jeff should belly dance or something, because this has just slowed to a dead crawl.
Before they go, Kelly and Rich decide to burn everything they don't need, from the spoons to the faux-wicker-whatevers, to SuperPole 2000, the pole that never hurt anybody, yet is now subjected to a fiery death. Rich and Kelly have obviously never heard of eBay. They even burn the poor, defenseless Rattana flag. Somebody at CBS's marketing and sales department is passing out right now. Kelly has apparently relocated from the island of Sappho to the Bay of Catharsis. Stuff burns. They watch. Even destruction seems boring.
Rich says he'll miss the stars and the sea. Kelly says she wants to just get through the day. Rich says he doesn't think anybody is vindictive about the vote. Rich obviously doesn't truly know the nature of a boy named Sue. Kelly says she respects Rich's honesty. As they pack up their things to head to tribal council, a basket of crabs pokes around. Kelly and Rich walk off, and I breathe a sigh of relief. The boring, morning-before festivities have officially ended. On the way, Rich reflects that he won't be sad if he loses. "But I really want the million," he says. Honest to the end.
We then get an insultingly lame montage of all the things they left behind. Oh, there's some sand and a chunk of wood! Some canteens on a log. Oh, stop, you're making me sad! A box! Oh shit, I've got tears, Mark, quit it! A denim cap and some shells! Not since Schindler's List...
As they trudge through the forest, we get Sean of all people elucidating on how these two people made it and how they are to be admired. Don't you have some soap opera lines to memorize or something? Gervase says he admires Kelly for keeping under the radar and winning so many challenges.
More sadness at the empty camp. A mask. An umbrella. Is it possible for a group of inanimate objects to win an Emmy?
Rudy says he likes Rich; he's a good leader, smart and the guy who brought the Alliance together. Greg talks about Kelly going through identity crises. Very astute observations. Seriously. I vote Greg as smartest on the island.
The montage continues. Bamboo, more sand. A choir is singing. Honestly. My chairs and my futon start bawling.
Colleen says something very nonsensical. I won't detract from her loveliness by repeating it here. Jenna talks about herself, because that's the focus here, and says she couldn't have been mean and lied. Oh and her turn-ons include walking on public beaches, sad songs and watching The Rose with someone special. Sue says she's got both guns loaded and she's going to fire them at the tribal council. She's ready and waiting to get up there, script memorized. This is going to end badly, I can tell...
The jury walks in to the tribal council. Gervase is wearing a shirt with the number "9" which signifies the number of children he has sired this week. Jeff lists the stakes: One person wins $100,000. The other person wins a Pontiac Aztek (when did that happen?) and a million dollars. Jeff congratulates everybody, even the losers, because everybody's special here. (Pamie, if you're reading this, I'm thinking about the kids. You know what I'm talking about.) ["And you're both going to hell." -- Niki] ["Wait for me!" -- Wing Chun] Jeff says everybody played the game very well. But not as well as Rich. "If we were voting tonight for the sweetest person, you could make a strong case for Sonja, maybe, or Gretchen." He gives senior salutations: Most athletic are Gervase and Joel. Best outdoors person: Greg. "Rich and Kelly are the two people sitting here. Clearly these two played the best. So let's begin the final tribal council." Whew!
I take a deep breath as Sue gets up. Here is her speech in its entirety. Honestly, I can't improve on this.
Um, I have no questions. I just have statements. Rich, you are very openly arrogant, pompous human being. [that whole sentence = sic] I admire your frankness with it. You have worked hard to get where you're at and you started working hard way before you come to the island. So with my work ethic background, I give that credit to you. But on the other hand, your inability to admit your failures without going into a whiny speech makes you a bit of a loser in life. [Colleen giggles and turns away. Santa Claus marks Sue off his good list and starts writing her name on the bad one.] Kelly...the rafting persona queen. You did get stomped on national TV by a city boy that never swam let alone been in the woods or jungle or rowed a boat in his life. [again, sic] You sucked on that game. Anyways, I was your friend, at the beginning of this, really thinking that you were a true friend. I was willing to be sitting there and put you to me. At that time you were sweeter than me. I'm not a very openly nice person. I'm just frank, forward and tell it the way it is. To have you sit there to me and me lose $900,000 just to stomp on someone like this. But as the game went along and the two tribes merged, you lied to me. Person that you are, you're very two-faced and manipoolative [even more sic] to get where you're at an' where you are in life. That's why you fail all the time. ["Interesting," Kelly says weakly.] So at that point of the game, I decided then to go out with my alliance with my family and to hold my dignity and values in check and hoping I hadn't lost too many of them. And, uh, play the game as long as possible and hang in there as long as possible. But Kelly, go back to a couple of times Jeff said to you what goes around comes around. It's here. You will not get my vote. My vote will go to Richard. And I hope that is the one vote that makes you lose the money. If it's not, so be it. I'll shake your hand and I'll go on from here. But if I was ever to pass you along in life again and you were laying there, dying of thirst, I would not give you a drink of water. I would let the vultures take you. And do whatever they want with ya. With no ill regrets. [Even Rudy looks shocked here.][Big, actorly-voice finale] I plead to the jury tonight to think a little bit about the island that we have been on. This island is pretty much full of only two things. Snakes and rats. And in the end of mother nature, we have Richard the snake -- who knowingly went after prey -- and Kelly, who turned into the rat that ran around like the rats do on this island, trying to run from the snake. I feel we owe it to the island's spirits that we have learned to come to know to let it be in the end the way mother nature intended to be. For the snake to eat the rat. [dirty, dirty stare. Sue sits down. Commercial.]
After I wipe myself off the floor from my seizure that came from knowing I just saw the best hateful speech ever given on network television, I manage to shake myself awake through some commercials. Oh, man. Did she really just say all that? I go back and read. Yep, she said it. Boy, was I wrong about Sue! Boy, howdy. Color me embarrassed!
Here come closing remarks. Kelly responds, "Sue, I'm sorry you feel that way." She says she could turn the tables around on Sue, but won't. "I hope you vote how you feel," she says. I'm thinking Kelly is toast. Rich says he wouldn't change what he did and hopes they respect that it's what he needed to do to win the game.
Jeff reminds the jury of what the stakes are (carefully plugging the Pontiac Aztek, a proud sponsor of Survivor). Just Peachy says this vote is different because they're voting for someone instead of against. Got that? ["I really had my doubts that every member of the jury did understand that going in. Right, Sean, I was thinking of you." -- Niki]
The vote begins. Gervase holds up "Kelly -- Go Girl." He sticks up for Kelly, saying she played better than anybody else. As for Sue, he says, "In my town, that's what we call a 'sore loser.'" He says it disgusts him and she's foul. He also compares her to the snake and the rat. I've never seen Gervase so bitter. He says he hopes Kelly wins and stuffs it in Sue's face. He beats his chest twice and walks off. Gervase is my lazy, mucho-fathering hero.
Jenna votes for Kelly and gives a touchy-feely speech about how Kelly is sweet and great. No Playboy joke here, unfortunately.
Sean votes for Rich, trying to speak for the jury and the "general sentiment," and cites Kelly for being manipulative and two-faced. He also says "fat naked fag" twice more. Sean, it's time for you to go. Again, fucker.
Colleen votes for Kelly, having changed her vote from Rich because of Kelly's will in the face of Sue. "Rich doesn't need it," she says. Colleen is coming across as a bit tipsy here. But not in a bad way.
Sue votes for Rich. She starts talking some more. Just. Shut. Up.
Rudy votes for Rich. "We had an alliance to the end and I'm fulfillin' my obligation."
Greg sniffs the marker, writes his vote and we cut away before we see it.
Rich complains that he can't breathe. "This has been an amazing experiment, I can't wait to see how it turns out," Jeff says, sounding remarkably like Casey Kasem. After an eternity of consultation with producers, Jeff returns. "There will be one survivor," Jeff says, "And it won't be Christopher Lambert."
First vote: Rich. Second vote: Kelly. Third vote: Rich. Fourth vote: Kelly. Fifth vote: Rich. Sixth vote: Kelly (Go Girl). Seventh vote... "I need water and oxygen," Rich says. "The winner of the first Survivor competition...is Rich." Rich lets out a gust of air, hugs Kelly and shakes Jeff's hand. It's over. My God, it's over. Everybody hugs except Sue and Kelly. Kelly avoids Sue like a rat avoids a snake. Game over, folks.
Cheesy, cheesy, Wisconsin-cheesy ending with a clean-shaven Rich in a voice-over saying how amazing it is to win. He is shown alone at the tribal council holding the paper with the last vote. He talks about helping his family. We see him on an airplane, leaving the airport, getting into his brand-new car. He is clean-shaven and suited. Nobody meets him at the airport. This is the most staged presentation, ever. Al Gore is at home watching and bitching because people think he gives a stiff, lifeless performance. Rich opens his million-dollar-check envelope (don't worry, it's standard-sized, not Publisher's Clearinghouse-sized) and drives off in an ugly black vehicle that looks like the product of an SUV getting dry humped by a Honda CRX. ["Thank you, Omar, for finding the words. That thing left me speechless." -- Niki] We cut immediately into Bryant Gumbel's awful hosting of the Survivor reunion, which you'll be reading about very, very soon.
Goodnight campers. And remember, only kids who don't do drugs are real Survivors.