Previously on Survivor: Peanut Buttery Jeff watches a band of unknowns jump off a boat and fall into glory as they become near-household names. Endorsement deals, scandals, and many lame Letterman jokes later, and they are down to five grimy, conniving people, proving Sartre correct on an island with no exit. Kelly may be flip-flopping alliances. Rich spins Sue around angrily in that clip that we may never actually see in a Survivor episode ("Speak to me, woman!" he seems to say. "Know that I am master of all I survey, even the sand crabs!"). Colleen's scabrous, leprous, unglamorous, Tyrannosaurus-textured legs get a close-up, a premonition of her getting scratched off the island later on. The weather acts up, but the six Survivors act worse. Sean wins a night on a yacht with his dad and a masseuse; Kelly wins the immunity challenge; island cutie Colleen's luck finally runs out. (Deep breath.) Prepare yourselves. It's penultimate Survivor time.
Propa' props to Glark and Wing for last week's 'cap, Joanna for the ten, and Heathen fromMaking the Bandfor having a birthday today. Happy birthday, pal.After the pumping music of the intro, I wait through commercials. Memo to Ericsson: would you knock it off with painting people's faces against a white background already? I already hate clowns; don't ruin women for me, too. Oh, and CBS wants you to know that Tim Daly (starring in this fall'sThe Fugitive) is the ultimate "Survivor." And I bet he got paid over $1 million for being so.We open on a sunrise, Day Thirty-Four on the beautiful Pulau Tiga island. Pulau Tiga University sponsors a lecture on semantics by Prof. Richard Jigglesworth on the value of the Rattana tribe. According to Richard, Rattana has no meaning. Tagi meant something, but Rattana ain't nuthin' but a name. He even goes so far as to wax eloquent on the subject in the confessional. Sue stops stirring her pot full of eyes of newt and witches' wort to chime in and agree. His point, I think, is that the idea of tribes has broken down, and it's now down to just five individuals battling it out in a free-for-all, not unlike a budget-constrained WWF Pay-Per-View event.Sean gets to talk smack about how everybody else is saying terrible things about each other. We get a little Sean Vs. Everybody montage where he is first lying down with his shirt pulled halfway up, then sitting up staring into space with no shirt and a cap on, then lying back down shirtless. In between are shots of everybody else. The effect, if it were in black and white, would make Sean look not so much stupid, but more the hapless main character in a German expressionist film.
Attention shifts back to 'Roid Rage Rudy as "Don't Make Fun of My Untethered" Richard talks to Klepto Kelly about "my man," the Old Navy Seal whom Richard seems to think he has under control. Rudy gives a soliloquy about how if he gives his word, his word is good. We cut to Richard, who sarcastically talks about Rudy's threats of seeking vengeance back home should somebody double-cross him. I thought that's what ex-Navy Seals were trained to do. At least, that's what every Action Cinemax late-night movie has led me to believe. Rudy says it's a game, but "money talks." So does the Rudy Doll. Richard and Sue compare notes on the old kook, and then we're back to Kelly and Richard. Richard confirms again that Rudy is completely under his control, lured by the scent of fresh-caught fish and subconscious, latent homoerotic desire. If you need further evidence that Richard is the one in control, rent American Beauty.
Richard is plotting like a gravedigger. In a confessional, he uses the term "Machiavellian," which is brilliant because it reminds me of whoever referred to him as "Machiabelly" on the forums. Richard is shown alternately telling Kelly that she has nothing to worry about, then telling Rudy that the person to be voted off will be Ms. Wigglesworth. Then he's getting with Sean to strategize. A demon light shines in his eyes. The skies darken when he approaches. His forked tongue can barely hold onto the rice. Oh Richard, if I sell my soul to you, will you get Penelope Cruz out of my dreams and into my car? Sean sums it all up with his keen intuition by remarking that these are the most conniving people he's ever met in his life. And he's worked for an HMO.
On the beach, Surly Sue and Kelly officially have it out. Sue fires the opening salvo (at least in this edited version) by saying that Kelly had told Colleen she wasn't aligned with the Spirits of Darkness. Um, hey Sue, isn't that the whole point? That you're not supposed to talk about the alliance to non-alliance members? You know, like in Fight Club? At least she didn't lie to all of America at a Tribal Council. Sue and Kelly each yell "Bullshit!" at each other a few times. Kelly claims she's been Sue's friend since day one. Sue shakes her head and announces she's going fishing. Kelly demands that Sue talk to her, and Sue says, "Noooo!" in her lovely drawl that makes my cat line the litter box with blood. "I don't have to!" She gets geared up to go spearfishing, and as she backs away into the water thunderous music accompanies a shot of her thighs. Hey, don't get mad at me, I didn't edit the episode.
Like all good sinners, Kelly runs back to Satan...er, "Richard," to tell him what happened with Sue. She's brushing her teeth all the while, trying to get the bitter taste of backstab wound out of her mouth. As she explains to Richard that she was trying not to let on that there was an alliance (he listens, patiently, aware that he will outlive all that he surveys, including the Earth above), we get a shot of Sue telling us why she was mad. It was because Kelly's talking to Colleen made Kelly look good and made the rest of the alliance look like bad guys. Because backstabbing, conniving baddies need to work on their PR more than most. Accompanying our chat with Sue is a completely unnecessary shot that I think may have made me sterile for life: she is shaving her inner thigh. Rich, please call up your old golfing buddy God and ask him to kill me. Kelly continues to try reasoning with Richard, who looks like he has absolutely no interest. He looks like he'd rather be brunching with Jesse Helms. Rich explains in a confessional that this is his opportunity to be nice and smooth things over rather than upset the applecart. Don't you mean offer the apple in the garden? Just a quick metaphor check there, Rich. He concludes, with understated glee, that their "tiff" plays to his advantage. As does everything.
Sue goes fishing. We catch her underwater as she uses the gear for some snorkeling. I have to say, without being able to hear her and through the murky filter of ocean water, she's almost tolerable in this setting. She reaches into a hole, and I am reminded of that creepy biting creature scene in Flash Gordon as she quickly pulls her hand away. As little painful tingling music plays, we learn that she was stung by a ray. It hurts. From her knuckle to the back of her hand. How bad does it hurt, Sue? "Baaaaaaad," she bleats. In another shot, we get a close up of her swollen, scratched-up hand. And even without the swelling, her dirty little secret has finally been revealed: Sue has Man Hands. More moaning about the stinging ray. Kelly says, "At least you get to eat the bastard." Survivor II producers: do not rule out cannibalism as a reward challenge. Personally, I'd rather eat a slice of Sonja thigh than those nasty beetle larvae.
A little water torture music plays (oh, sorry, Rudy) as we get a montage of everybody at rest, looking very bored. Rich talks about how he's having to keep a button on the emotional pulse of people in the group he cares little about, when what he really wants is to go back home and be cared for by the people he really loves. Why, there's little Smoky Imp. And Mama Mephistopheles. And John-Demon. And crazy Old Uncle Scratch. As he says this, we get a shot of Sue picking something out of her teeth and throwing it. Sean echoes Rich's sentiment, revealing that he's never been away from New York this long. He misses his family (wasn't Yachting With Dad last week good enough for you?) and he misses his favorite restaurant (edited to show a shot of Sean eating white rice out of a coconut). Sue misses talking to her husband on the phone. And I'm sure he misses it too, because I'll bet it was Sue's voice that attracted him to her so.
Rich lays out some planks, a towel, and a pillow (they get pillows on the island?!?!) to create a makeshift bed. He looks up at the skies and thinks about the "End of Days" (his Biblical reference, not mine). Rich is splayed out, talking about home. Everybody else sleeps, including Sue, who has her hand bandaged. Rudy stirs in his sleep, his keen Navy Seal intuition alerted to my typing about Sue, a possible attacker. Everybody looks really, really glum. I miss Colleen and Gervase. Commercial to break the monotony.
This week's Target non-sequitur "Go Together" ad campaign: jean jacket and Jolly Ranchers / Zip-off pants and Ziploc bags. My vote would have been masking tape and push-up bra / Pepto-Bismol and Lays Wow! chips.
Day Thirty-Five. Rudy and Sue are walking along the beach. Under some branches, Sue says, "Oh!" There's a pail holding dark mud that reads, "Dig In!" "Dig in," Rudy says. "Dig IN!" Sue enunciates. Inside the mud, they find a laminated clue. It reads:
It might be a dirty job
But now it's up to you.
Make like a hog at the volcano
Carry mud
For an ice-cold brew.
Which is odd, because that used to be Miller Lite's jingle. After a little sky shot, we get our first glimpse of Just Jeff, who intones that "old friends are becoming new enemies." Except for you, right Jeff? Everybody loves you, Jeff. With your single slices of pizza and your videotapes from home for everybody but Jenna. It's all about you, isn't it, JEFF!?! Excuse me, sorry. I got carried away there. Ahem. Anyway, Jeff explains as the survivors slog through the forest that they will be playing in the same amazing volcanic mud that formed the island. He's hoping to calm things down after the recent tension, and says this will be therapeutic mud bathing. As they gather, Jeff explains that this is "a different kind of blowout." Hey Jeff, I know exactly what you're thinking there, buster, so don't think I don't. Jeff announces that one Bud Light will be part of the reward. ["The wateriest beer in creation is considered a reward? I'd have sat that one out till someone coughed up a Murphy's Stout, myself." -- Sars] Then the winner will get whisked away, blindfolded, to a secret bar, where they will have more Bud Lights and then get to watch the first five minutes of the first episode of Survivor. (Or read the recap -- their choice.) Jeff says, "I'm gonna set my beer aside" as they do this. He gets to drink beer through all this? No wonder he keeps his cool so well, even through a testicle injury. The rule for the challenge is they have to fill up a bucket with mud, using only their body as a transport device for the mud. I'm thinking long hair and baggy shorts (not to mention Machiabellian proportions) will have the advantage.
The game is about to begin. "Survivors ready?" Jeff yells. "Get muddy!" They all run, Rich first, his belly jiggling majestically around a turn. They dive into a mud pile, writhing, rolling, and getting their hair dirty. Richard is the first to get up and run back. His shorts nearly slide down, and I almost pass out. In fact, when he gets to the bucket, big globules of mud run down from the crotch of his shorts. Erotic? I'm thinking Nauseatic. They run back again. Rich falls into a big hole, Rudy slips and falls on a hip (insert old-age joke here), and Kelly rolls around provocatively just as some soft-porn music starts playing. Mud, mud, mud, sloughed off of bodies. Kelly gets a great idea. She plops mud on her head Marge Simpson-style and runs back, looking like a chromatic member of the B-52s. Ten seconds left, and they all unload into their buckets. As time is up, they all agree that it was a blast. Kelly gets 15.9 pounds. Rudy: 10.0. Sue: 15.0. "I didn't get the heavy mud," she explains. I would agree, except...what? What heavy mud? The mud that just happens to be more dense than the rest of the mud in the same mud pile that everybody else was rolling in? You mean the extra-heavy Bolivian mud that Jeff doesn't want you to know about that was hidden three feet into the mud pile? That mud, right. Of course. How stupid of us not to notice it. Sean: 15.4. Rich: 12.8. Not even close, even with the belly. Jazzy Jeff asks for a hug and receives it, mud and all, from Kelly. "I'll see you later," he whispers seductively. "Bring a condom," she whispers, "and some chili fries." This, history will remember, is not the first, nor the last, time that Jeff Probst has been embraced by a woman covered in mud looking to get paid at the end of the allotted time.
The sequence is some cheesy music playing as the five contestants walk down the beach in slow motion, covered in gray mud against a colorful, tropical backdrop. The effect makes them look like a reverse Pleasantville.
Back at camp, Sue wishes she had a bigger chest to carry more mud. If you win the million dollars, Sue, you can have all the mud-carrying power you want. Rudy says he's been muddy, but not this muddy. Probably he means the muddiness of his soul, dirtied by all the people he's killed in the name of democracy. Just a thought. Kelly is thrilled to have won, and hopes she's on a winning streak, having won the immunity challenge. Everybody gets in the water to wash off the mud. Sean says that everybody was pissy before the challenge, but now everybody's spirits are up again. People rub mud off each other in the water, and before Rudy can yell out that he's spotted the island of Sappho, Kelly and Sue are rubbing mud off each other for what seems like a disproportionate amount of time. Wily CBS editors! The Howard Stern vibe is broken when Rich tells us that not only are they bathing each other, they're also popping each other's zits. Then we get a visual. I open a second beer to dull the piercing pain, something much stronger than those wussy Bud Lights they have planned for Kelly. Sue says that she and Kelly are the only girls on the island (define "girl," Sue, because I think you're a lot manlier than Sean over there) and they're sticking together till the end. Or until she votes Kelly off.
Night time. As we watch on the night vision camera, the boat arrives. Kelly's getting all dressed up, because this is, after all, a date with THE Jeff Probst. You know, the guy that used to be on Rock 'n' Roll Jeopardy? You can't just look all scummy and scabby like you've been stranded on an island for a month. RuPaul would say the same: You Better Work It, Girl! Kelly gets on the boat as Sue and Sean look on. Sue looks at the boat bitterly, thinking, "If that Jeff Probst gets to third base before I do..." Kelly is blindfolded. She is led by hand by Jeff, who takes her to a place with a large, tacky blue neon sign that says "Survivor Bar." Jeff sits her down at a table, as a room full of Southeast Asians look on wondering when exactly they're going to get paid their $0.57 U.S. dollars for their four hours of extras work. Jeff removes not one but two blindfolds, and when he reveals Kelly, she opens her eyes wide. Jeff orders two Buds from the bar, which is located somewhere in the Contrived Nebulae. The bartender brings out two naked boys named "Bud." "Er, Bud Light," Jeff says. Back with Kelly, Jeff says, "This Bud's for you," as the marketing people at Budweiser collectively wet themselves. Kelly digs into some shady-looking curly pasta. Jeff asks, "How you hanging in?" almost making it sound like he cares. "Pretty good," Kelly answers. She says the game has gotten weird and crazy and intense. Jeff says, "Really?" and again almost keeps up the illusion of listening to what she's saying. Boy, this really is like a dinner date. Kelly says something pretty cool: "I was something on the trail today, I said, 'Wait a minute, we're not bad people, we just play bad people on TV!'" Jeff smiles and nods while secretly thinking, "No, I'm sorry, the answer is 'Who is Chuck Berry?'"
Cut to the island, where everybody just lies awake as the rats scurry. This is to show that being on the island is almost, but not quite, as boring as having dinner and beers with Kelly.
Back at the bar, Jeff asks the crowd if they wouldn't mind watching a video. What are the extras going to say, "No"? He pops in the tape as they spontaneously applaud. Kelly giggles and claps as she watches the original cast scrambling off the boat from the first episode. She's thinking, "There's no way anybody's ever going to watch this show." She says, "Yay, go Jenna! That's awesome!" She gives Jeff an affectionate punch on the arm and he hisses, "Don't touch me until it's dark." When Kelly is shown, the crowd cheers again, because she's a celebrity now and that's what you do around celebrities.
Back at the island, Kelly is unceremoniously dropped off the boat. What, Jeff -- no hug, no roses, no goodnight kiss? You, sir, are either a true gentleman or a real cheap bastard. Kelly lies down, belly full, hopes of bedding Jeff Proboscis shattered. Shots of the sky, shots of the moon. And then it's Day Thirty-Six.
As people wake up, Richard goes on and on about how he can't believe there are only four days left. He talks to Sean, who is chewing what looks like a giant piece of tobacco, but which is probably a glob of tree rubber mixed with Sue's leg hair for texture. Speaking of Saucy Sue, she and Kelly are again openly discussing their voting strategy. Kelly says she wants to make it to the final four, but says Sue isn't going to let her. Sue says right out loud that she's aligning with Rich. Looks like Kelly's days are numbered. Here's an idea: what if Kelly just politely asked people not to vote her off? Like a political campaign. She could make little coconut buttons and straw hats. Sue says there's no way Kelly will make it into the final three because she's a threat. Oh, that's right, because she's the only one who doesn't leave the stench of evil in her wake. Yeah, I could see that as a threat. They decide to be civil to each other for the time they have left. Until the civil war.
After some commercials (Budweiser is an advertiser? You're kidding me!), Richard is lying on some planks, looking at some ants crossing an overhead tent. Rich is thinking that most humans must look at ants the way he looks at mere mortals. Sean declares that he is now in it to win. Before, he was just on the island to make friends and do some bowling, but now, by doggone it, he will win. And he wants to remain a nice guy. Good luck, Sean. We'll see you on the talk-show circuit. As he says this, he's lying on his back in that shot we saw before of him with his shirt up near his nipples. He's secretly wishing he'd been part of that whole bikini fashion thing with Kelly and Colleen. Sue, meanwhile, thinks she's got a pretty good shot.
The castaways go to the mail to find a videocamera with a note taped to it. It says that Jeff Probst went missing (maybe he ran off with the two "Bud" boys) and that the video was all that was left of him in the jungle. Before you can say "Blair Witch Burnout," we see some action on the camera's LCD screen. There is jungle running. A mask is found and turned over to read, "What is the immunity challenge?" Um, that's what you're supposed to tell us. Jeff appears and says breathlessly, "Survivor Witch Project. Pagong Beach. Sundown," before acting like there's something after him. Jeff may be the Probst hobst with the mobst, but he can't act his way out of a mosquito net. Sean thinks it's very cool. Let me tell you something Sean: Blair Witch parodies are only cool on the planet One Year Ago.
Jeff, walking in his khaki shorts through the jungle, explains the immunity challenge because it has to do with "jungle spirits" and superstition. The survivors will have to search for five masks, and use videocameras to tape themselves answering questions about island folklore. The first person to collect the masks and answer all the questions correctly "will appease the jungle spirits and win immunity," he says solemnly. I'm so sorry they made you read that out loud, Jeff. Seriously.
Jeff sits with the castaways to give them the lowdown. First clue: Malaysian customs say sacrificing a goat is good luck. Except for the goat. A high priestess makes the goat sacrifice. Second clue: To protect yourself, don't call out someone's name, or the tree spirits will repeat it. You have to take a piece of vine, make a circle, say your name, and walk through the circle. Got that? Third clue: Since the merger, everybody voted off the island has had their torch blown out at the tribal council. They've had to relight them. Spooky, huh? Clue four: Folklore says headhunters blow the conch shell to release a storm to wash them of their sins. Every tribal council has had rain. Wow. I've got chills and shit. Fifth clue: If you disrespect or taunt a snake that comes to your tent, it's bad luck. Joel dissed a snake, and he got voted off. Jeff says he's given them all they need to win. Let's see if they were listening.
Wild crazy shots of fire and masks. Jeff makes a big deal about the Final Four. He says this is for immunity. "Survivors ready...go!" he yells. They run off, and we get some shaky camera movement as the show switches between shots of the contestants and shots from their handheld cameras. Kelly's got a good lead. She reaches the first question, about what preceded the departure of tribal members (answer: torches going out) and we get a close-up of her tongue stud. Sean answers the snake question. Rudy reaches the conch shell question. The music stops in suspense. He says, "I dunno," and starts running to the one. It is at this point that you should just stop, rest, and sabotage everybody else, Rudy, not keep going. You need all five questions. Rich answers the conch shell question correctly. Sue comes across the question about stepping through the vine hoop and saying your name. Rudy gets back to the tribal council question and again: "I dunno." He's a soldier, folks, not a thinker. The goat question is . Rudy gets to the vine hoop question: "I dunno," he says. Kelly returns first, followed by Sean, Rich, and Sue. She says she has all the questions right. The editing makes it seem really quick as Jeff reviews the tape and he gives her the immunity necklace. She puts it on in slo-mo as Sue and Rich look about as bitter as a batch of Sour Patch Kids.
It's raining sideways on the island, as Sue says. She and Rudy are in matching yellow slickers that make them look like crossing guards. Sean is sitting under a parachute, concentrating mightily on the little Dr. Seuss stanzas in his head. In a dry patch from earlier, Sean again says he's winning the whole show, which if you know how they edit Survivor means that he's not even going to win the home game.
Rich, lying in a hammock, tells Kelly that it's going to be either Rudy or Sean voted off tonight. Rudy is under some strange delusion that he and Rich are going to be the final two. Of course, I didn't think Rudy would make it to the final ten, so maybe he knows something I don't. So what would the jury vote for: pure evil or obsolescent crabbiness? Kelly says that Rich told her he's changing his strategy to account for Sue's backstabbing. "So maybe they're not voting together," Kelly says. "To me that just means game on." A montage of sad, drawn faces. Sean supposes that there will be lots of votes going in different directions. He also thinks that three people might vote for Sue, including Rich, Rudy, and himself. Sean also believes that if he loses a tooth, he can lay it under a conch shell, and a mysterious and benign jungle spirit will bring him a smooth, pretty sand dollar in the morning. Evening approaches. The tribals grab their torches and start preparing for tribal council. Kelly reveals that she'll vote for either Richard or Sue.
A huge army of ants is shown marching, and then the survivors are shown approaching the tribal council, Rich leading the way. Jeff introduces the jury, made up of a scraggly Greg, a saucy Jenna in a black hat, a casual Gervase, and Colleen in a tragic blue dress that makes me pine for the days of her island sarongs. Jeff asks Kelly how badly she needed the immunity. She says she would have been voted off without it. Journalist Jeff asks how things have changed in the group, and she gives a vague answer about the dynamics changing as things wind down. Jeff asks a pointed question: he wants to know how Rich thinks America sees him. Rich gives a non-answer: he says he thinks people see a person who knows what he wanted from the very beginning, as ethically as he could do it. During this, Colleen gives him a look (or rather the editing makes her give him a look). What's that quote about how the devil's greatest trick is making us believe he doesn't exist? Way to go, Rich. Jeff asks yet another question about Rudy's age. Rudy babbles about the Atlantic Fleet, and how he's going to hang out with his buddies and how they'd better be behind him. "Even though you like the homo?" Rich says. Rudy acts like he almost doesn't hear him, but Jeff reiterates the question. Rudy says when it's all over, he'll shake Rich's hand and hope never to see him again. Oh, poor Rudy. He didn't read the bit in the contract about the endless reunion specials he'll have to be a part of. Jeff asks about the alliance as the jury looks on gravely. The question is directed at Sean, who has the least to feel sorry about. Sean says he feels good about everything and the way he's voted. Jeff asks Sue a ludicrous question about whether Midwestern values or corporate America have won out. "Game ain't over, ay," Sue says, and then rambles on for who knows how many minutes before she is edited down to only about three eons. "On that note, time to vote," Rhymin' Jeff says.
We don't see who Rich votes for. Sean votes for Sue, and says it's not for any particular reason. "She's a good friend of mine and she'll always be a good friend of mine." Sue votes for Sean and says, "It's been fun. Good luck, buddy." You can tell it's a lopsided vote because that's all we see.
Jeff tallies: Sue, Sean, Sean, Sean. Sean shakes hands with Rich and Kelly as he gets up. Jeff tells him that Sean's torch had already gone out. "Come on, somebody snuck up behind me," he says. "It went out during the vote," Jeff says. ("Just pretend, dammit!" Jeff screams in his mind.) "Noooo..." Sean says, eschewing mysticism for hard-bitten New York cynicism. Or is it hard-bitten New York stupidity? Jeff, who I'm sure would want nothing to do with the word "impotent," impotently puts out a non-existent torch flame. "I'll see you a few days," Sean says to no one in particular. Exit Sean, the dimmest bulb on the Christmas tree. Jeff says the last tribal council is coming, where the winner will walk off with bragging rights and a whole lot of money. Slow walk-off, commercial break.
Biggest rip-off EVER: Jeff says to stay tuned for scenes from week's episode. Then the teaser says that week's episode (two hours, three tribal councils) is so secret they won't show us a single second. I say screw you, Jeff, and the sacrificed goat you rode in on. Sean's parting words: there are some cold, callous, duplicitous people in the contest. He says he had a blast, though, and says goodbye America. I'm sure we'll be seeing you again, Sean.
week: two hour blow-out, final vote-by-jury, and a one-hour reunion special. There can be only one: it'll be just like Highlander, but with fewer heads cut off.