Previously on Survivor: Peanut Buttery Jeff watches a band of unknowns jump off a boat and fall into glory as they become near-household names. Endorsement deals, scandals, and many lame Letterman jokes later, and they are down to five grimy, conniving people, proving Sartre correct on an island with no exit. Kelly may be flip-flopping alliances. Rich spins Sue around angrily in that clip that we may never actually see in a Survivor episode ("Speak to me, woman!" he seems to say. "Know that I am master of all I survey, even the sand crabs!"). Colleen's scabrous, leprous, unglamorous, Tyrannosaurus-textured legs get a close-up, a premonition of her getting scratched off the island later on. The weather acts up, but the six Survivors act worse. Sean wins a night on a yacht with his dad and a masseuse; Kelly wins the immunity challenge; island cutie Colleen's luck finally runs out. (Deep breath.) Prepare yourselves. It's penultimate Survivor time.
Propa' props to Glark and Wing for last week's 'cap, Joanna for the ten, and Heathen fromMaking the Bandfor having a birthday today. Happy birthday, pal.After the pumping music of the intro, I wait through commercials. Memo to Ericsson: would you knock it off with painting people's faces against a white background already? I already hate clowns; don't ruin women for me, too. Oh, and CBS wants you to know that Tim Daly (starring in this fall'sThe Fugitive) is the ultimate "Survivor." And I bet he got paid over $1 million for being so.We open on a sunrise, Day Thirty-Four on the beautiful Pulau Tiga island. Pulau Tiga University sponsors a lecture on semantics by Prof. Richard Jigglesworth on the value of the Rattana tribe. According to Richard, Rattana has no meaning. Tagi meant something, but Rattana ain't nuthin' but a name. He even goes so far as to wax eloquent on the subject in the confessional. Sue stops stirring her pot full of eyes of newt and witches' wort to chime in and agree. His point, I think, is that the idea of tribes has broken down, and it's now down to just five individuals battling it out in a free-for-all, not unlike a budget-constrained WWF Pay-Per-View event.Sean gets to talk smack about how everybody else is saying terrible things about each other. We get a little Sean Vs. Everybody montage where he is first lying down with his shirt pulled halfway up, then sitting up staring into space with no shirt and a cap on, then lying back down shirtless. In between are shots of everybody else. The effect, if it were in black and white, would make Sean look not so much stupid, but more the hapless main character in a German expressionist film.
Attention shifts back to 'Roid Rage Rudy as "Don't Make Fun of My Untethered" Richard talks to Klepto Kelly about "my man," the Old Navy Seal whom Richard seems to think he has under control. Rudy gives a soliloquy about how if he gives his word, his word is good. We cut to Richard, who sarcastically talks about Rudy's threats of seeking vengeance back home should somebody double-cross him. I thought that's what ex-Navy Seals were trained to do. At least, that's what every Action Cinemax late-night movie has led me to believe. Rudy says it's a game, but "money talks." So does the Rudy Doll. Richard and Sue compare notes on the old kook, and then we're back to Kelly and Richard. Richard confirms again that Rudy is completely under his control, lured by the scent of fresh-caught fish and subconscious, latent homoerotic desire. If you need further evidence that Richard is the one in control, rent American Beauty.
Richard is plotting like a gravedigger. In a confessional, he uses the term "Machiavellian," which is brilliant because it reminds me of whoever referred to him as "Machiabelly" on the forums. Richard is shown alternately telling Kelly that she has nothing to worry about, then telling Rudy that the person to be voted off will be Ms. Wigglesworth. Then he's getting with Sean to strategize. A demon light shines in his eyes. The skies darken when he approaches. His forked tongue can barely hold onto the rice. Oh Richard, if I sell my soul to you, will you get Penelope Cruz out of my dreams and into my car? Sean sums it all up with his keen intuition by remarking that these are the most conniving people he's ever met in his life. And he's worked for an HMO.
On the beach, Surly Sue and Kelly officially have it out. Sue fires the opening salvo (at least in this edited version) by saying that Kelly had told Colleen she wasn't aligned with the Spirits of Darkness. Um, hey Sue, isn't that the whole point? That you're not supposed to talk about the alliance to non-alliance members? You know, like in Fight Club? At least she didn't lie to all of America at a Tribal Council. Sue and Kelly each yell "Bullshit!" at each other a few times. Kelly claims she's been Sue's friend since day one. Sue shakes her head and announces she's going fishing. Kelly demands that Sue talk to her, and Sue says, "Noooo!" in her lovely drawl that makes my cat line the litter box with blood. "I don't have to!" She gets geared up to go spearfishing, and as she backs away into the water thunderous music accompanies a shot of her thighs. Hey, don't get mad at me, I didn't edit the episode.
“ Kelly's brushing her teeth all the while, trying to get the bitter taste of backstab wound out of her mouth. ”
Like all good sinners, Kelly runs back to Satan...er, "Richard," to tell him what happened with Sue. She's brushing her teeth all the while, trying to get the bitter taste of backstab wound out of her mouth. As she explains to Richard that she was trying not to let on that there was an alliance (he listens, patiently, aware that he will outlive all that he surveys, including the Earth above), we get a shot of Sue telling us why she was mad. It was because Kelly's talking to Colleen made Kelly look good and made the rest of the alliance look like bad guys. Because backstabbing, conniving baddies need to work on their PR more than most. Accompanying our chat with Sue is a completely unnecessary shot that I think may have made me sterile for life: she is shaving her inner thigh. Rich, please call up your old golfing buddy God and ask him to kill me. Kelly continues to try reasoning with Richard, who looks like he has absolutely no interest. He looks like he'd rather be brunching with Jesse Helms. Rich explains in a confessional that this is his opportunity to be nice and smooth things over rather than upset the applecart. Don't you mean offer the apple in the garden? Just a quick metaphor check there, Rich. He concludes, with understated glee, that their "tiff" plays to his advantage. As does everything.
Sue goes fishing. We catch her underwater as she uses the gear for some snorkeling. I have to say, without being able to hear her and through the murky filter of ocean water, she's almost tolerable in this setting. She reaches into a hole, and I am reminded of that creepy biting creature scene in Flash Gordon as she quickly pulls her hand away. As little painful tingling music plays, we learn that she was stung by a ray. It hurts. From her knuckle to the back of her hand. How bad does it hurt, Sue? "Baaaaaaad," she bleats. In another shot, we get a close up of her swollen, scratched-up hand. And even without the swelling, her dirty little secret has finally been revealed: Sue has Man Hands. More moaning about the stinging ray. Kelly says, "At least you get to eat the bastard." Survivor II producers: do not rule out cannibalism as a reward challenge. Personally, I'd rather eat a slice of Sonja thigh than those nasty beetle larvae.
A little water torture music plays (oh, sorry, Rudy) as we get a montage of everybody at rest, looking very bored. Rich talks about how he's having to keep a button on the emotional pulse of people in the group he cares little about, when what he really wants is to go back home and be cared for by the people he really loves. Why, there's little Smoky Imp. And Mama Mephistopheles. And John-Demon. And crazy Old Uncle Scratch. As he says this, we get a shot of Sue picking something out of her teeth and throwing it. Sean echoes Rich's sentiment, revealing that he's never been away from New York this long. He misses his family (wasn't Yachting With Dad last week good enough for you?) and he misses his favorite restaurant (edited to show a shot of Sean eating white rice out of a coconut). Sue misses talking to her husband on the phone. And I'm sure he misses it too, because I'll bet it was Sue's voice that attracted him to her so.