Props to Glark's Dad for helping out at the new house, to Joanna for her fantastic job on the first ten recaps of the season, and to Sars and Kim for covering for us at Hissyfit and Fametracker.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."- Friedrich Nietzsche, who died well before Colleen was ever born and most likely was never a millionaire
Wake up, sleepy-heads; it's day thirty-one on Pulau Tiga! Colleen the groggy pixie rubs her moon-cratered feet together near the campfire and looks out across the ocean, internally debating her post-Survivor endorsement options. J.Crew? Abercrombie & Fitch? Maybe that's shooting too high. Maybe American Eagle Outfitters, if they weren't already in bed with Dawson's Creek. Hmmm, but then there's those feet -- those Omaha Beach, first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan feet. I smell a Vaseline spokesperson. Susan arrives on the beach in a breezy white blouse and crisp pair of khakis, promoting Gap's new catchphrase: "Are you a jean? Yes, yes you are." Fade to Rudy sitting under the tent, in the middle of one of those satisfying full-range cat-like oh-my-I-hope-my-lips-don't-split-apart yawns. He finally notices the camera shooting with a long-range lens and gives a stare that's equal parts "I'm much to tired to think" and "I'm trying to figure out if you're one of the many 'those people' I don't care for."
Richard, under the Target Tent™, proclaims, "Just woke up...I'm wet," and as the world cringes in preparation for the most uncomfortable Survivor episode yet, he lets everyone off the hook by adding, "So I guess it rained last night but I slept through it."
Cut to Kelly throwing together a big pile of wet driftwood. Maybe she's planning to smoke marshmallows by the camp smokepit tonight. Feeling formal this morning, she opts for her dress bikini. Simple. Understated. Black. The kind of bikini that says, "I'm not wearing my pink bikini right now."
"People were kind of miserable this morning," Kelly informs us. "I guess I was one of the miserable...I mean, every day is a little tough because we don't have a lot to do and we're low-energy." Cut to Sean engaging in a low-energy bout of possible nose-picking. You know the kind -- the kind where someone catches you before your whole fingernail is up there, so you mistakenly think you have a chance to do the "just scratchin'" fake-out. Maybe he needs the protein. "Rich has gotten really really weak and really crabby and really hungry, and Sean also." Really? Really! Okay then. Richard wipes his brow. Sean mumbles his way to the "kitchen," where he helps himself to a traditional breakfast of rice. It's like Rice Krispies except there's no milk, no sugar, no crispiness, and Snap, Crackle and Pop have been replaced by Stab, Cackle and Plot. But we'll get back to Susan later.
"The food I miss, but not as much as [I miss] my parents," says Sean. "I'm no mama's boy, but I really like to see my family; they mean an enormous amount to me. When I think of their smiles and hugs I can't wait to see them." Someone tell Master of the Alphabet that he's only been gone a month. Even if his family were run over by trucks and camels at a highly unlikely rate of one per week, there would still be plenty of family to go back to and to marvel at his gigantic nipple ring. Speaking of which, there's a great advertising opportunity in that big shiny golden ring for Sega's upcoming Sonic Adventures 2.
Colleen rearranges Rattana's supply of Sealy palm-leaf mattresses while Kelly, comfortable in the knowledge that there's little to no chance that members of her local police force have jurisdiction in Pulau Tiga, gives us the scoop on Colleen's leg troubles: "Colleen's legs are pretty beat up. She has some pretty bad gashes, and she has some sores higher up on her legs that she doesn't know how she got." Quick shots of Colleen's really troubling legs are each accented by a single thump of a tribal drum. Ooooo...ominous! I hope there's not a big black cauldron behind her full of warm water, cut carrots, potatoes, and stocks of celery and green onions! There are scabby cuts, deep gashes, red bubbly spots, pus volcanoes, pimple spots, plus scrapes and bruises. It's like your local butcher's homage to Courtney Love. Inquiring minds want to know what Greg's legs look like. Colleen gives a state of the union address on her legs: "My legs are bothering me. I mean, I'd be lying if I said my legs aren't bothering me." Colleen does an inventory. "I have all these!" she proclaims as she showcases the cuts on her calf, and "then I have these new ones!" she says, pointing to blistery-looking circles of various sizes near her thighs. Interrupting a vigorous scratching session, Colleen confides, "I can't sleep because they itch so bad...then I scratch them off...it's a never-ending cycle and they're gonna be like this for the three years." Note to Survivor II contestants: Skin cream would be good luxury item. I thought they had unlimited access to sunscreen. Couldn't that do in a pinch? At least she's aware of the cause and effect; I don't know if "Doctor" Sean would be. He lends his considered medical opinion by staring blankly into space...dreaming of technology that will push the boundaries of current nipple ring sizes. Colleen's legs are in bad shape. There's no getting around that. They are gross and they are sad, but that's not all: There are freakin' bugs living in the cuts and crawling all around her legs. Colleen wears it all like a badge of honour. Can we imagine for a moment what we'd be hearing if this happened to Ramona? Or B.B.? "I need that fresh drinking water to wash these bugs off my legs! You lazy kids! Look at my buggy legs! Okay, now I'm gonna raise a barn by myself."
Colleen -- last member of Tribe Fun -- continues, "I'm feeling like I've been here for fifty-nine thousand days. The past five days have been the longest five days of my entire life. I miss my old team." Cue the sappy close-up montage of former Pagongers.
There was a tribe
That was all about fun
They took mud baths
That dried in the sun
Greg the nutbar
Wore nice shirts
But in the end
Became Colonel Kurtz
The mother of two
Wasn't that stable
Jenna always cried
For her Cain and Abel
That Gervase!
He's very bright
Always smart enough
To be lazy out of sight
The lesson for Gretchen
It would seem
Is to understand the value
Of voting as a team
Joel, oh Joel
This will irk
But I couldn't tell
You from Dirk
Ramona the sick
Realized too late
When you don't work
Your future's at stake
The montage is done
But something's wrong, you see?
I guess no one liked
Bossy B.B.
"I miss my old beach. I am the last sole survivor of the Pagong tribe." The "last sole survivor"? Are you sure you are not the only last sole survivor of which there is only one left? "Last of a dying breed. I'm very confused where alliances stand," says Colleen, all crouched in her pouncing pixie pose. "And I think they're confused where alliances stand." Unless they do not understand the concept of "everyone versus Colleen," I think we're all clear on this one.
Cut to ABC Sean looking all dumb and spacey and holding his bestest pal in the whole world -- a big sharp stick -- while Rich tells him, "Try to follow this; I'm going to tell you everything that's happened up to here." Sean the clay, Richard the sculptor. Say what you will about Richard, but he's the one person doing the most to make this show interesting. Of course, people say that Satan is the hero of Paradise Lost, too, but that don't make it fucking so. Back to pixie girl's analysis of post-merge politics: "Rich and Sue are promising one thing to Sean, promising another thing to Kelly. Sue and Kelly are promising one thing to Rich, promising another thing to Sean, and Rudy sits back and watches it all happen." Rudy is still sitting down at the camp, staring out into nothing in particular, the shot framed by two axes in the foreground (symbolism!).
"It seems like Kelly might be flip-flopping and planning strategies at our expense," says Richard, "and that just ticks Sue off to no end." What doesn't tick Sue off to no end? She's a walking bag of piss and vinegar. I guess that bag would have to have some sort of bag feet because it needs to walk around. Maybe it's not so much a bag as really baggy pants filled with piss and vinegar. Okay, so Susan is a person who wears big metaphorical pants filled with piss and vinegar. But I guess that was obvious. Is this the same Susan who was all weepy-poo last week about finding a new friend on the island in Kelly? If Survivor had a better budget, maybe Mark Burnett could throw in some computer-generated tears; they would have seem more real than the ones Susan mustered.
Susan says, "Kelly's trying to staying [sic] in the alliance at this time but she's trying to make herself look good to the other team in case it comes down to the end and she's gonna be one of the last who's standin', then she'll be, 'Oh I didn't align with them, I didn't align with them,' and this time we're like, 'No, baby doll, you'll [sic] not gonna look good." We cut to Kelly who says, "Uh uh!" and Sue goes, "Yuh huh" and then Kelly says, "Uh uh!" but Susan retorts, "Unlikely," to which Kelly opines, "Likely," which is immediately followed by Sue's saying, "You're going down," and then Kelly says, "No way," and Sue goes, "Way," and Kelly shakes her head while Sue nods. Kelly then kicks Sue in the pants, and she explodes in a shower of piss and vinegar.
Okay, actually we cut to Kelly and her boxer's nose as she spouts off about not giving a rat's ass about what anybody thinks. I think she has a boxer's nose...but apparently she couldn't give a rat's ass what I think. Colleen gets smug describing the perceived breakdown of the Tagi alliance, as Richard grabs Susan by the shoulders and spins her around. Who knows what this actually was about? There's no audio, so for all we know, Richard was telling Susan, "You simply must give Dijon mustard a chance! Maybe start off with that French's Dijon that's wimped down for 'American tastes.'" Having seen Richard's mustard conviction, Susan promises to give Dijon a chance but hides her dark secret: She only uses ketchup.
Is that Sean I see swimming backwards? I think it is, 'cause I hear a lot of backpedaling: "It comes [sic] the point where we have to turncoat a little bit, be a little most strategic, a little more self-preservative. It's a serious contest; there's a lot of money at stake, and I better start treating it more seriously." While all of Sean's English teachers collectively roll over in their graves, Jenna pokes a voodoo doll's erect nipples with hot skewers.
Richard checks up on Rudy to make sure he's still in Richard's pocket, and to find out where Susan and Kelly are. They're in the woods together! That can only mean one of two things: Either they are plotting something together, or they're getting ready for another best-chums pillow fight! Rudy also informs Richard that if someone broke his word to Rudy he, with all his mighty 70+ Navy SEAL training, "would do something to him." Richard goes yeah yeah, sure thing, old man, and then lets loose a maniacal "mwa ha ha ha ha!" as he rubs his hands together.
As the lawyers for Trivial Pursuit prepare their lawsuit, Rudy expresses his pleasure that the challenge isn't physical, since he's old and worthless. Colleen, who must have gotten into the hidden stockpile of speed, quickly explains her enthusiasm for the challenge to Richard: "I suck at trivia but I love it, you know? And I'm really slow at the buzzer! ButyouknowwhatIwasIthinking, beforeIwenttobedlastnight? Iwasthinking, heythisislikeagameshow! Thisisgonnabesocool! ThenIthought...hey wait a minute...we'reonagameshow!" Forget Vaseline; I think Colleen's the new Mountain Dew girl.
After some establishing shots, we get a bird's-eye view of the game board. It's a set of coloured squares set out in a fan shape, which immediately reminds me of the Star Wars: Escape From The Death Star board game from 1977.
Jeff Probst arrives. Kelly instinctively tries to pick him up and add him to her wet driftwood pile but, alas, the show must go on. Jeff's dressed in safari duds again. Again! "My friends, today...decadence speaks," proclaims Jeff. Richard chimes in: "Oh, we're liking this!" Back to Jeff: "We're taking the Visa...and created a real cool night for one of you...on a yacht." Colleen covers her mouth, and then points to a yacht on the water, exclaiming, "There it is!" Kelly hops up and down, except that she's really going more side to side. She lives life on her own terms. Sean checks behind him to make sure there isn't another yacht, say, in the jungle. Richard does a little bit of his seductive Burning Rope Challenge Dance while Rudy wonders if a gaggle of queers or a parliament of pregnant unwed mothers awaits him on the boat. Susan...well, Susan lets loose this throaty, guttural yelp that sounds a lot like those slime-spitting dinosaurs that ate Newman in Jurassic Park. Let us now think back to the moment when Susan told us her redneckiness was an act to throw everyone off. Now, let us all laugh at that notion with hearty pats on each other's backs and slaps of our knees.
Then we get a few shots of the yacht. It's the only source in town for hot showers, satellite TV, catered meals, good night's sleep, and a shit and shave. But bring your back and your spankable ass and bring your Visa, because this boat has a sassy masseuse, and Jeff Probst doesn't take American Express.
Questions are asked, they are answered. We learn:
- Insects are a simply fabulous source of protein, though jumping up and down trying to swallow enough mosquitoes to make it worthwhile probably burns more energy than eating the bugs provides.
- Water from green bamboo is safe to drink and fun to say. Bamboo. Bam. Boo. BAMBOO!
- Kelly is dumb.
- Dehydration is minimized by not eating.
- Susan is dumb but not quite as dumb as Kelly.
- Poisonous mushrooms are sneaky bastards that will kill you in your sleep after twenty-four hours and then run away with your wife.
- The longest venomous snake in the world (not counting Richard) is the King Cobra.
- The female black widow has a red hourglass pattern on it.
- Colleen and Rudy are equally dumb, but not as dumb as Susan, and certainly not as dumb as Kelly, who is very dumb.
- You can kill intestinal parasites with kerosene and then dazzle the gents with magnificent blue angels at the afternoon social.
- Richard is dumb, but not as dumb as Colleen and Rudy, and certainly not as dumb as Susan, who is dumb but still remains a little less dumb than Kelly, who is quite dumb.
- Sean -- who wins on the kerosene question -- is dumb, but the alien who possessed his mind during the night is a little less dumb than Richard.
Jeff tells Sean he may be able to bring someone to the yacht for breakfast in the morning. Glark gets fed up with the laborious recapping process and hands off to Wing Chun.
After the break, the sun beats down on the Survivors, and Sean faces his most difficult challenge yet: making a decision all by himself. He recaps the events of the first segment for those of us who've just tuned in, or have recently suffered head injuries destroying our short-term memories. Cut to the beach, where Sean is standing to Kelly; he tells the unseen interviewer, "Hopefully, I'll get to bring some company with me. If I'm allowed one person, I owe Kelly a dinner, so she's coming with me." In an interview, revisionist historian Kelly declares, "I really like Sean! I've probably talked a lot of trash about Sean because he's neurotic and talks a lot, but he's really a good guy...I might get to go spend a night on a yacht, which would be cool, 'cause if I could spend a night on a yacht and shower and eat some food, I'd be good to go for another seven days." Two questions. First, what is all this about owing Kelly a dinner? I've seen every episode, and I don't recall one where Sean cost Kelly jack, and yet they're talking about this like they've signed a contract or something. Second, Kelly, you are such a hypocrite! You just voted to boot Sean off the island not six days ago and now he's "really a good guy"? Just admit that his willingness to give you this gift is the reason you're suddenly on Sean's side and don't dress it up like you've always liked him.
Thunder crashes. Rain falls on clothes hung out to dry. Sean tells us it's raining. I forget, is he a doctor of neurology or meteorology? Everyone stands under the Target™ parachute, and it must be extraordinarily moist because each Survivor is bathed in this forgiving white aura of fog as the camera alights upon them. Surrounded as he is by his saintly halo, I almost forget that, last week, Rudy told the world that he would rather Gervase's children be aborted than born. Almost. In her slicker, Colleen hides her face from the camera that loves it so. Everyone bitches about the unrelenting rain, except Susan, who notes that sitting in the rain doing nothing is preferable to driving her eighteen wheels of justice through Chicago at four on a summer afternoon.
And then the rain stops. Zzzzzz.
Sean stares at the yacht and pretends to be staring a rainbow, which Richard pronounces "pretty." Jeff pulls up in some little paddleboat and almost does a face-plant on the beach. Everyone waves and greets Jeff effusively; Richard tells Jeff, "Check out the rainbow you came in under," and Jeff, suspecting that to be some kind of Homer Sexual come-on, hesitates a beat, but then turns and growls, "Wow!" Did these people all live in Hitler's bunker before they came to the island? IT'S WEATHER. Jeff beckons Sean to the paddleboat deal, and Sean follows, apologizing to the rest of Rattana for the fact that they all can't join him. Jeff and Sean stand on the bow for a moment as Susan's voice-over explains, "Sean finally leaves to go off to the yacht excursion, and then he hollers out, 'Hey! I can invite somebody for breakfast!'" Susan, I beg your pardon, but I think Sean actually said, "I can invite someone for breakfast." And a clip of the footage demonstrates that I'm right. Sean adds, "Who wants it?" "Take her!" Richard tells Sean, indicating Kelly, like, duh, you already promised. Sean calls out to Kelly, who's writing in a big fat hardcover journal, "Kelly, do you want that to be your meal?" I hate Sean, okay? I think he's an idiot. But here's where it TOTALLY becomes Kelly's too fucking bad; apparently, without even looking up, Kelly decides that it's time to bust out the Southern-belle "convince me" routine, and whines, "Sean, it's your decision; don't pawn it off on me," instead of saying something more to the effect of, "Yeah!" or "Fuck, yeah!" or "Thank you, yes," or "It's either that or I bust your fool head up, bitch!" Sean grins moronically. Susan yells, "Sean, get some balls, and MAKE A DECISION!" Richard shushes her, and she actually lets him. And out of the clear blue no-longer-raining sky, Sean announces, "Richie. Scrambled eggs. Tomorrow morning." Richard looks pleasantly surprised by this turn of events and shoots a glance toward Kelly, who's stuck her lower lip out so far with her pouting that it's almost in line with her potato nose. From the little paddleboat, Sean yells to Richard, "You need a boost!" In an interview, Kelly wears sunglasses so as not to cry out loud, and whines about Sean's last-minute Rock and Roll Jeopardy -- er, I mean that other game show, Change of Heart. As Rattana watches Sean sail away, Susan marvels, "The guy's dumb. He's so dumb. Is he not?" Richard pats her back and thinks, "That was the smartest thing Sean's ever done."
The yacht looks like a pretty sweet ride. As cheery steel-drums play, Sean eats, drinks, and...is subjected to forced socializing with Jeff. The reward challenge is a harsh mistress.
And speaking of harsh mistresses, it seems that Kelly is now in a tribe of one, identified as Resenta. In the creepy infra-red light of post-sundown filming, Kelly whines, "Sean is probably eating lots of food." Colleen non-sequiturs, "I wonder if he got pizza." Rudy scratches his head and looks around the beach for a sharp stick with which to rupture his own eardrums. Kelly bitches, "You know, we're all hungry and tired and dirty and bored."
On the yacht, Sean is bathed in artificial light, and with each morsel he pops in his mouth, a drumbeat sounds, as if he were taking each bite out of Kelly's own coconut bowl.
On the beach, Kelly muses, "He'll probably shave. And bathe." No, I think he'll just skip it. But lest we think that, the producers show us a shot of Sean shaving. And bathing. Kelly also wonders whether Sean's brain and body will continue to co-operate and maintain his involuntary eye blinking, blood flow and breathing.
Kelly supposes that he'll also get a massage. Richard is somehow privy to the knowledge that Sean may have never had a massage in his life. Richard also uses the force to deduce that Sean's house was done without the aid of an interior designer. Go figure.
On the yacht, Sean stretches out on his bed while a sixteen-year-old Malaysian girl tells him how her family sold her into indentured servitude when she was twelve for the princely sum of $480 USD so that they might buy an air conditioner, while she did the bidding of privileged, wealthy white men like himself.
Kelly is suddenly most concerned at the possibility that Sean might "make a fool out of himself." Wouldn't he feel the fool if he came back with champagne stains on his shirt and Brie bits stuck to his cheek?
Sean asks his masseuse, "Does my ass look as bony as it feels?" She obligingly peels back his towel and smacks him on the buttock. I have a feeling there was a lot more to this encounter than was captured on film, since southeast Asia is known for its trafficking in underage, undereducated, exploited female sex workers. But I don't want to be a downer. We'll all find out nine months from now on Too Hot for Survivor.
Once Sean is bathed and...uh..."refreshed," Jeff leads him through a living-room-looking area and tells him that "the captain won't be steering all night," like, who cares? Long story short, the person posing as the captain is Sean's dad, Jim. The two men embrace. Sean says, "Holy Toledo!" which was actually sort of cute and was clearly calculated to make us hate Dr. Stupid a little less. I grudgingly have to admit that it was nice to see a father and son so obviously and unabashedly affectionate with each other; Sean yells, "I love you!" without reservation and tells his dad, "You made my whole adventure!" Jim tells him how good he looks. Sean makes the bizarre statement that seeing his dad is "worth so much more than a million dollars," like, if that's true, what is Sean doing on this show at all? They hug some more; Sean kisses Jim on the cheek. As rhapsodic strings play a tender love song fit for a soft-porn love scene, Sean and Jim dip into the fifth bottle of wine and come up with remarks like, "[Sean]'s got a heart twice as big as his body" and "I would walk on hot coals, nails -- anything." Sean sort of dismissively says, "Yeah, me too," like, wrap it up, Dad, there's an underage Malaysian girl in the galley and she can't leave until tomorrow! Jim says, "Your dad is looped!" adding, "I'm so happy right now" as if there weren't a causal relationship there.
The moon.
Kelly wishes Sean would get a backbone. Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you, "don't pawn it off on me" girl. Colleen and Richard are so interested in Kelly's ongoing analysis of the situation that their eyes glaze over with fascination; Rudy wanders off to the woods in search of a branch sturdy enough to support his weight as he hangs himself. As the flames of the campfire ebb, Kelly drones on and on. Who knew sour grapes were indigenous to Pulau Tiga?
Day Thirty-Three dawns. It's a multiple of three. Axe day. As the yacht teeters on the horizon, Rudy wanders away from the camera, spies a cadre of ninja welfare moms clinging to the trees in the woods, and abruptly turns back. Colleen gingerly scratches her feet and wipes the sleep out of her eyes. Kelly splashes in the surf, trying to collect enough saltwater to gargle and ease her throat, which is sore from having spent the entire night complaining about Sean's betrayal. Susan strolls, looking determined, for no reason I can discern. Like a fat, bald, bearded, frequently nude kid on Christmas morning, Richard is up at the crack of dawn, staring at the yacht and waiting for his parents to tell him to start opening his gifts -- if by "parents" you mean "Jeff," and if by "tell him to start opening his gifts," you mean, "pick him up and take him to the Visa yacht." It seems that the Visa yacht is everywhere Richard wants to be.
And there's Skipper Jeff, yelling at Richard to "get [his] skinny ass down" there. Richard squeals, "My skinny ass! I love it!" and waddles down the beach to the boat. Kelly screams, "Tell Sean he's in big trouble!" When Richard and Jeff ignore her, Kelly repeats, "Tell Sean he's gotta deal with Wiglesworth when he gets back!" Uh, unless there's a very strict no shirt, no shorts, no scramble policy on the yacht, Sean might be dealing with old Wiglesworth in just a few minutes, if you know what I'm saying. Jeff tells Kelly, "That'll spoil his whole morning!" Zing! John Jacob Zingleheimer Schmidt, Jeff is!
Around the campfire, Rudy has been left alone with the wimmins, and you can tell he'd far rather be doing underwater pushups with Viggo Mortensen sitting on his back than listening to the latest verse of "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen," remixed by Puff Kelly. But he's stranded on an island, and he doesn't want the broads to eat all the rice while he scouts locations to commit hara-kiri with his bowie knife, so he's present as Kelly re-explains her position: "You know, it's not even the food...it's the point that he's been going on and on and on about how he screwed me and he owes me, and blah bling blah this is the greatest injustice in the history of mankind, repercussions and ramifications, meal, screw, owe, Wiglesworth, blah blah blah bitchcakes." Then Kelly turns around and sees that the other members of her tribe have used pieces of Kelly's pile of wet driftwood to spell "WE GET IT" across the beach. Because they get it. And we also get it, Kelly -- we do. We get it.
Jeff and Richard pull up to the yacht; Sean and Jim wave and greet them. Richard yells, "Hey, Cap'n!" and says to Jeff, "I take it that's the captain," and Jeff for some reason is all cagey: "That's his captain, all right." Shut up, Jeff. Sean yells at Richard, "I knew you needed something to pull you out of your doldrums," and Richard sincerely replies, "This is going to do it, buddy."
Jeff and Richard board the craft. Richard shakes Sean's hand and then hugs him. Sean introduces Richard to "the captain," and Richard shakes his hand as Sean adds that the captain is also known as Jim, his father. Richard is gobsmacked by this news and gathers Jim into a firm embrace. Jim is probably far too polite, or far too hungover, to recoil at what I imagine is the stink of Richard's thirty-three-day build-up of B.O.
Everyone makes complete pigs of themselves, naturally.
Kelly watches the boat and stews.
Rice time. As a head-on shot of Susan's crotch somehow squeaks past the CBS censor, she complains about how much rice she's eaten since she's been on the island. Kelly swings in the hammock and, as she eats her rice, recites a litany of foods she wishes she were eating in its place. Meanwhile, Kelly's unflattering NostrilCam shot puts Glark, The Man from F.U.N.K.L.E., and Wing Chun off their Party Mix and ice-cream novelties. Colleen's voice-over explains Sean's eleventh-hour invitation to breakfast with Richard: "Sean is seeing that he's in a little bit of trouble, and he should probably have Rich out there, because Rich is going to make sure that I get booted off tonight, and not him. Maybe somewhere he's thinking that. He's smart, if he's thinking that." If the somewhere that he's thinking that is a place where Sean is smart, it has to be a parallel universe known as Bizarro World, where Colleen is ugly, Richard is docile, Rudy is a Leo Buscaglia manqué, Susan is a copy-editor, and Kelly has SHUT UP already. Rudy says he can't figure out why Sean changed his mind about Kelly in the end, but that "all them ladies are pissed off at him."
The egg-deprived Rattanans watch as Richard, Sean, and Jim climb out of the little boat. Jim biffs onto dry land (claiming to have been "caught in the rope," but, I'm thinking, possibly still drunk from the one he tied on the night before). Sean supposes that he'll be getting "six out of six votes tonight," and Susan dryly remarks, "Unless you came back with something, we don't care that you're back." Way to be gracious in defeat, Sue. Sean introduces Jim as his dad and, for some reason, keeps saying, "I have so much to tell you guys," like what -- how nice his bed was? How great the shower felt? How amazingly skilled his "masseuse" was in performing the act of love? Susan bellows, "Maybe we could tell [Jim] how dumb you were not to take Kelly with when you owed her." The only person who demonstrates having been raised properly is Colleen, who greets Jim cordially even as Susan continues to rant about Sean's alleged failure to "pay off [his] debts." In an interview, Colleen says that when she saw Jim, she almost cried, because she thought about her own mom and how much she missed her. Over shots of Sean showing off the Rattana flag and the SuperPole 2000 (patent pending), Colleen opines that "Sean gets all the breaks," but that she was happy for him nonetheless, and that it was nice to have a new face (Jim's) on the island.
Jim then declares that "nothing has been happening in the news." Uh. In a month? Okay. Susan grills him about the stock market, the war in Chechnya, who won the college basketball playoffs, and Jim proves himself utterly ignorant on all counts. That's exactly what I would be like in the same situation. I'd be able to talk about whatever was in the most recent issue of Entertainment Weekly, and that's about it.
Sean orders everyone to come bid his father farewell, and as they're all shaking his hand, he announces that he has something for each Survivor -- a care package from home, over which they each exclaim. Triscuits, Sun-Maid Raisins, and Pepperidge Farm cookies are all enjoyed by the Survivors; Colleen is also pictured leafing through a big fat fashion magazine. She tells her interviewer that the gifts from home made her feel that she could "do this for six more days" though she admits she is "on a sugar high right now." She's shown skipping over the beach to give Jim a big hug and thank him for her package, after which Susan follows suit. Okay, whatever, get going, Jim, god! And then he does.
Richard reads a sheaf of papers, which is apparently an email a female friend of his had written to her husband. Wuzzuh? Not an original letter addressed to, oh, say, RICHARD? On the other hand, it is Richard. Richard claims that the email "has [his] brain engaged and rejuvenated" and that he can last the six or seven days. Reading other people's mail will do that to you.
So the immunity challenge is a test of balance. The six remaining Survivors will start out standing on five two-by-fours, which are tied together and resting on two sawhorses, out in the middle of the water. Periodically, Jeff will remove one plank at a time. The last Survivor standing wins immunity. The only rule is that they can't touch one another, though taunting is allowed. They all climb up and stand in a row.
Then they stand for a while. I hope y'all who watched this episode were sitting down, because it was a barn-burner. After fifteen minutes, Jeff cuts the string so that three planks remain. I guess there was a part they didn't show.
After an hour and a half, everyone's still standing. As Jeff wades out to remove another plank, Richard has apparently started a round of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Colleen joins him, psychotically screaming the words straight at Jeff. The plank is removed, and no one falls. Richard continues singing alone. Rudy "falls" (though he makes a dive of it). In the water, Jeff asks whether Rudy jumped, and Rudy claims he fell; Richard yells that Rudy couldn't take anymore. Not shown: Rudy trying to drown himself and getting resuscitated by Jeff. Richard continues singing ever more annoyingly, and when he gesticulates a little too wildly, he loses his footing and falls in. As Nelson would say, "HA-ha!" Richard apologizes for leaving the rest without his music, and heads for shore.
After two hours, Jeff heads back out to cut off another plank. Richard is telling a totally bored Rudy, "It's ironic that Colleen is even trying, because she thinks she's dead tonight. I asked her today, I said, 'Colleen, what makes you happy?' and she said, 'You know, Rich, irony makes me happy.' I think it's ironic that she's trying to stay on the board, and she's not even in danger of getting voted off. Kelly, on the other hand, has no idea that she's leaving." Rudy guesses that Sean will get "two votes from the girls," and Richard agrees that Kelly may "throw a vote" since she's "trying to look as if she's not part of the voting bloc." Meanwhile, Jeff removes another plank. With only one plank remaining, Sean falls; Susan follows shortly thereafter, leaving Colleen and Kelly standing with their backs to one another.
When Susan reaches shore, Richard asks her who they should vote off if Kelly wins immunity. After a brief quorum, during which Richard appears to defer to the others while still advocating for Colleen's ouster, they all agree that Sean should get the boot.
After two and a half hours, Colleen and Kelly are still standing. Colleen asks Kelly, "Am I getting voted off if I fall?" "Not by me," Kelly hedges. "By the rest?" Colleen asks. "I don't know, honey," Kelly replies. I think this was the moment when Colleen decided that she was sick of the whole enterprise -- not just the challenge, either -- because she laughs merrily.
After two hours and fifty-four minutes, Colleen takes one step forward, then another, pinwheels her arms, and falls into the water. But I think Colleen threw the game and sacrificed herself on purpose. Jeff tells Kelly that she got immunity. Back on shore, he puts the immunity talisman around her neck and makes a paid announcement on behalf of Dr. Scholl's soothing foot insoles. Mm, Dr. Scholl's. Right about now, I'm wishing they made some kind of ass-pads for your desk chair. But I digress. The Tagi alliance two-facedly congratulates Kelly on her win.
Off the beach and through the woods to Tribal Council. Over shots of the Survivors with their torches, Kelly declares, "Stupid alliance thing; I don't even care about that anymore, you know? I say I'm not in it anymore, I'm voting my conscience, and, you know, I want to be true to myself and who I am, and keep my dignity -- who cares?" God, good question, Moany McWhine. Colleen reveals: "Kelly...she was a double agent, so to speak, you know -- talking to the Pagong people, really trying to get in with them, and then relaying everything we said to her teammates." She did? Why didn't we see that? Sean backs Colleen up: "The Pagong people, fortunately, picked up on that, because they all came to me in unison and said, 'I think Kelly's up to no good,' so it was very plastic, very see-through. And even her biggest advocate on this island -- Sue -- saw right through that." Kelly continues defensively, "I'm voting strategically. So are they, and they still think I'm in the stupid alliance, because if I told them I didn't want to be, they'd vote me off, so I'm trying to save my own ass. So how bold and wonderful is that?" Is she being sincere or sarcastic with that last bit? Susan says, "Me and Kelly, I thought, had a real friendship going -- I really did. But, uh, when I turn around and see somebody starting to dig a knife into my backside, it just really pisses me off." But Kelly's declaration of dependence, or independence, or codependence, or WHATEVER, isn't over yet: "I don't care what I say to people. I don't care if I'm nice to anybody at camp anymore. I do not give a shit. And it feels so good! It's great! I love it!"
Rattana files into the Tribal Council, followed by the jury of dispossessed Pagongers. Greg is first in line, and seems to have possibly showered, and definitely changed his clothes, since last week's episode. Jenna, once again, is tarted up like a French whore. And Gervase...whatever. This time they show Colleen making eye contact with her former teammates and whispering hello. Jeff launches straight into the post-mortem of the past three days, and, god help us, he brings up the now-historic Kelly Slight of 2000 for even further discussion. Rudy reaches behind him for his torch and sets his own hair on fire. Jeff asks Sean what made him change his mind at the last minute, and Sean starts to answer, "Rich provides food, and --" "Yeah, but let's not forget the fact that you said, Kelly, you are the greatest victim of any crime or betrayal in the history of the world, and I, Sean, am no better than Judas Iscariot, selling my promise to you for thirty pieces of silver out of the folds of Richard Hatch's belly," Kelly interjects. That was the gist, anyway. Richard and Colleen openly laugh at Kelly's continuing resentment; the ghostly members of the jury smirk at the fact that the more Kelly talks, the less chance she has of being awarded the million dollars. Sean resumes his explanation about Richard's fish-catching prowess. Kelly announces, "All the pain and suffering that has ever been experienced by the human race since our biological ancestors issued forth from the sea's womb have all been concentrated with the strength of a laser and aimed at my heart. The one who aims that laser is you, Sean. And the fuel that powers it is the scrambled eggs and cinnamon buns that disappeared down the gullet of someone other than me." Then she leaps up from her seat, tears at her garments, and starts weaving Sean a hairshirt out of the materials in her bead bag. Mercifully, Jeff changes the subject to Sean's now-defunct alphabet policy, and the Tribal Council six days ago when the apparent swing vote that saved Richard's ample bacon was Sean's. Jeff suggests that Richard may be "in a precarious position," and Richard agrees, "I could be going home tonight, absolutely." Jeff addresses Colleen, reminding her that last time, she'd told him that she'd either go that night, or tonight. She says she still feels like she's toast: "I mean, I'm the last of my kind here. I'm the last Pagong." The camera cuts to the jury, none of whose members crack a smile. I have to believe that footage is from a moment other than when Colleen said what she just said; it just wouldn't make sense that they couldn't at least smirk at her rueful remarks. Jeff asks Colleen "how nasty it's going to get." Colleen says that it'll get "pretty nasty; there's a lot of stuff going on."
Richard goes to vote. The camera cuts away as he writes, and then returns when he folds his ballot and says, "Why are you going tonight? Because you screwed up. It wasn't your turn, and you were supposed to stay [at this point the camera cuts to Sean, and then to shots of Susan and Rudy snickering], so you're actually being sacrificed even though you were supposed to stay! But, goodnight." Susan votes, and we don't see it. Colleen votes for Sean and explains, "I can't vote for myself, so I've got to vote for Sean, because...same reason as last week, really. He knows, he knows." Kelly votes for Sean and says, "Twenty-four-seven is all I have to say." Huh? Sean offers a rambling explanation for his vote for Colleen, and purposely misspells the name "Cooleen" because "she's a really cool girl," and he'll "probably see her vote, in the jury." So is Sean with the alliance now? Has Sean rushed in where Kelly fears to tread?
Jeff leaves to tally the votes. Greg. Colleen. Susan. Sean. Kelly, playing with her fucking tongue barbell, which is my BIGGEST piercing peeve -- it really bugs me when people do that.
The first vote is for Sean. The second is for "Cooleen." The third is also for Colleen. The fourth is for Sean. The fifth is for Colleen. She looks nervous, but resigned, and when the last vote is, of course, also for her, she whispers to her former teammates, "Be nice to each other, okay? I swear, I'm watching you! Play fair, okay?" She beams as Jeff snuffs out her torch, waves, and walks off through the woods. Jeff says he heard her last words: "Play fair, be nice." "She's a wonderful person," declares Richard magnanimously.
Over the credits, Colleen says, "I had a lot of fun, and the past week was actually the hardest part of the whole thing. I'm excited now for the step; I want to sit on the jury box. If I came into this game on Tagi's team, I think I could have won -- I'm just going to say it. You know, no harm in saying it now, after I've been kicked off and I didn't win, but really, I think I could have won." I don't think there's been a more magnificent departure than that; really, Colleen left at the absolute height of her power and popularity. She will be missed, but we'll all see her again in the pages of Jane or some such.
week: Susan trusts Colleen more than she trusts Kelly. Kelly says a bad word.