Long Hard Days

Props to Glark's Dad for helping out at the new house, to Joanna for her fantastic job on the first ten recaps of the season, and to Sars and Kim for covering for us at Hissyfit and Fametracker.

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

- Friedrich Nietzsche, who died well before Colleen was ever born and most likely was never a millionaire

Wake up, sleepy-heads; it's day thirty-one on Pulau Tiga! Colleen the groggy pixie rubs her moon-cratered feet together near the campfire and looks out across the ocean, internally debating her post-Survivor endorsement options. J.Crew? Abercrombie & Fitch? Maybe that's shooting too high. Maybe American Eagle Outfitters, if they weren't already in bed with Dawson's Creek. Hmmm, but then there's those feet -- those Omaha Beach, first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan feet. I smell a Vaseline spokesperson. Susan arrives on the beach in a breezy white blouse and crisp pair of khakis, promoting Gap's new catchphrase: "Are you a jean? Yes, yes you are." Fade to Rudy sitting under the tent, in the middle of one of those satisfying full-range cat-like oh-my-I-hope-my-lips-don't-split-apart yawns. He finally notices the camera shooting with a long-range lens and gives a stare that's equal parts "I'm much to tired to think" and "I'm trying to figure out if you're one of the many 'those people' I don't care for."

Richard, under the Target Tent, proclaims, "Just woke up...I'm wet," and as the world cringes in preparation for the most uncomfortable Survivor episode yet, he lets everyone off the hook by adding, "So I guess it rained last night but I slept through it."

Cut to Kelly throwing together a big pile of wet driftwood. Maybe she's planning to smoke marshmallows by the camp smokepit tonight. Feeling formal this morning, she opts for her dress bikini. Simple. Understated. Black. The kind of bikini that says, "I'm not wearing my pink bikini right now."

"People were kind of miserable this morning," Kelly informs us. "I guess I was one of the miserable...I mean, every day is a little tough because we don't have a lot to do and we're low-energy." Cut to Sean engaging in a low-energy bout of possible nose-picking. You know the kind -- the kind where someone catches you before your whole fingernail is up there, so you mistakenly think you have a chance to do the "just scratchin'" fake-out. Maybe he needs the protein. "Rich has gotten really really weak and really crabby and really hungry, and Sean also." Really? Really! Okay then. Richard wipes his brow. Sean mumbles his way to the "kitchen," where he helps himself to a traditional breakfast of rice. It's like Rice Krispies except there's no milk, no sugar, no crispiness, and Snap, Crackle and Pop have been replaced by Stab, Cackle and Plot. But we'll get back to Susan later.

"The food I miss, but not as much as [I miss] my parents," says Sean. "I'm no mama's boy, but I really like to see my family; they mean an enormous amount to me. When I think of their smiles and hugs I can't wait to see them." Someone tell Master of the Alphabet that he's only been gone a month. Even if his family were run over by trucks and camels at a highly unlikely rate of one per week, there would still be plenty of family to go back to and to marvel at his gigantic nipple ring. Speaking of which, there's a great advertising opportunity in that big shiny golden ring for Sega's upcoming Sonic Adventures 2.

Colleen rearranges Rattana's supply of Sealy palm-leaf mattresses while Kelly, comfortable in the knowledge that there's little to no chance that members of her local police force have jurisdiction in Pulau Tiga, gives us the scoop on Colleen's leg troubles: "Colleen's legs are pretty beat up. She has some pretty bad gashes, and she has some sores higher up on her legs that she doesn't know how she got." Quick shots of Colleen's really troubling legs are each accented by a single thump of a tribal drum. Ooooo...ominous! I hope there's not a big black cauldron behind her full of warm water, cut carrots, potatoes, and stocks of celery and green onions! There are scabby cuts, deep gashes, red bubbly spots, pus volcanoes, pimple spots, plus scrapes and bruises. It's like your local butcher's homage to Courtney Love. Inquiring minds want to know what Greg's legs look like. Colleen gives a state of the union address on her legs: "My legs are bothering me. I mean, I'd be lying if I said my legs aren't bothering me." Colleen does an inventory. "I have all these!" she proclaims as she showcases the cuts on her calf, and "then I have these new ones!" she says, pointing to blistery-looking circles of various sizes near her thighs. Interrupting a vigorous scratching session, Colleen confides, "I can't sleep because they itch so bad...then I scratch them off...it's a never-ending cycle and they're gonna be like this for the three years." Note to Survivor II contestants: Skin cream would be good luxury item. I thought they had unlimited access to sunscreen. Couldn't that do in a pinch? At least she's aware of the cause and effect; I don't know if "Doctor" Sean would be. He lends his considered medical opinion by staring blankly into space...dreaming of technology that will push the boundaries of current nipple ring sizes. Colleen's legs are in bad shape. There's no getting around that. They are gross and they are sad, but that's not all: There are freakin' bugs living in the cuts and crawling all around her legs. Colleen wears it all like a badge of honour. Can we imagine for a moment what we'd be hearing if this happened to Ramona? Or B.B.? "I need that fresh drinking water to wash these bugs off my legs! You lazy kids! Look at my buggy legs! Okay, now I'm gonna raise a barn by myself."

Colleen -- last member of Tribe Fun -- continues, "I'm feeling like I've been here for fifty-nine thousand days. The past five days have been the longest five days of my entire life. I miss my old team." Cue the sappy close-up montage of former Pagongers.

After two hours, Jeff heads back out to cut off another plank. Richard is telling a totally bored Rudy, "It's ironic that Colleen is even trying, because she thinks she's dead tonight. I asked her today, I said, 'Colleen, what makes you happy?' and she said, 'You know, Rich, irony makes me happy.' I think it's ironic that she's trying to stay on the board, and she's not even in danger of getting voted off. Kelly, on the other hand, has no idea that she's leaving." Rudy guesses that Sean will get "two votes from the girls," and Richard agrees that Kelly may "throw a vote" since she's "trying to look as if she's not part of the voting bloc." Meanwhile, Jeff removes another plank. With only one plank remaining, Sean falls; Susan follows shortly thereafter, leaving Colleen and Kelly standing with their backs to one another.

When Susan reaches shore, Richard asks her who they should vote off if Kelly wins immunity. After a brief quorum, during which Richard appears to defer to the others while still advocating for Colleen's ouster, they all agree that Sean should get the boot.

After two and a half hours, Colleen and Kelly are still standing. Colleen asks Kelly, "Am I getting voted off if I fall?" "Not by me," Kelly hedges. "By the rest?" Colleen asks. "I don't know, honey," Kelly replies. I think this was the moment when Colleen decided that she was sick of the whole enterprise -- not just the challenge, either -- because she laughs merrily.

After two hours and fifty-four minutes, Colleen takes one step forward, then another, pinwheels her arms, and falls into the water. But I think Colleen threw the game and sacrificed herself on purpose. Jeff tells Kelly that she got immunity. Back on shore, he puts the immunity talisman around her neck and makes a paid announcement on behalf of Dr. Scholl's soothing foot insoles. Mm, Dr. Scholl's. Right about now, I'm wishing they made some kind of ass-pads for your desk chair. But I digress. The Tagi alliance two-facedly congratulates Kelly on her win.

Off the beach and through the woods to Tribal Council. Over shots of the Survivors with their torches, Kelly declares, "Stupid alliance thing; I don't even care about that anymore, you know? I say I'm not in it anymore, I'm voting my conscience, and, you know, I want to be true to myself and who I am, and keep my dignity -- who cares?" God, good question, Moany McWhine. Colleen reveals: "Kelly...she was a double agent, so to speak, you know -- talking to the Pagong people, really trying to get in with them, and then relaying everything we said to her teammates." She did? Why didn't we see that? Sean backs Colleen up: "The Pagong people, fortunately, picked up on that, because they all came to me in unison and said, 'I think Kelly's up to no good,' so it was very plastic, very see-through. And even her biggest advocate on this island -- Sue -- saw right through that." Kelly continues defensively, "I'm voting strategically. So are they, and they still think I'm in the stupid alliance, because if I told them I didn't want to be, they'd vote me off, so I'm trying to save my own ass. So how bold and wonderful is that?" Is she being sincere or sarcastic with that last bit? Susan says, "Me and Kelly, I thought, had a real friendship going -- I really did. But, uh, when I turn around and see somebody starting to dig a knife into my backside, it just really pisses me off." But Kelly's declaration of dependence, or independence, or codependence, or WHATEVER, isn't over yet: "I don't care what I say to people. I don't care if I'm nice to anybody at camp anymore. I do not give a shit. And it feels so good! It's great! I love it!"

Rattana files into the Tribal Council, followed by the jury of dispossessed Pagongers. Greg is first in line, and seems to have possibly showered, and definitely changed his clothes, since last week's episode. Jenna, once again, is tarted up like a French whore. And Gervase...whatever. This time they show Colleen making eye contact with her former teammates and whispering hello. Jeff launches straight into the post-mortem of the past three days, and, god help us, he brings up the now-historic Kelly Slight of 2000 for even further discussion. Rudy reaches behind him for his torch and sets his own hair on fire. Jeff asks Sean what made him change his mind at the last minute, and Sean starts to answer, "Rich provides food, and --" "Yeah, but let's not forget the fact that you said, Kelly, you are the greatest victim of any crime or betrayal in the history of the world, and I, Sean, am no better than Judas Iscariot, selling my promise to you for thirty pieces of silver out of the folds of Richard Hatch's belly," Kelly interjects. That was the gist, anyway. Richard and Colleen openly laugh at Kelly's continuing resentment; the ghostly members of the jury smirk at the fact that the more Kelly talks, the less chance she has of being awarded the million dollars. Sean resumes his explanation about Richard's fish-catching prowess. Kelly announces, "All the pain and suffering that has ever been experienced by the human race since our biological ancestors issued forth from the sea's womb have all been concentrated with the strength of a laser and aimed at my heart. The one who aims that laser is you, Sean. And the fuel that powers it is the scrambled eggs and cinnamon buns that disappeared down the gullet of someone other than me." Then she leaps up from her seat, tears at her garments, and starts weaving Sean a hairshirt out of the materials in her bead bag. Mercifully, Jeff changes the subject to Sean's now-defunct alphabet policy, and the Tribal Council six days ago when the apparent swing vote that saved Richard's ample bacon was Sean's. Jeff suggests that Richard may be "in a precarious position," and Richard agrees, "I could be going home tonight, absolutely." Jeff addresses Colleen, reminding her that last time, she'd told him that she'd either go that night, or tonight. She says she still feels like she's toast: "I mean, I'm the last of my kind here. I'm the last Pagong." The camera cuts to the jury, none of whose members crack a smile. I have to believe that footage is from a moment other than when Colleen said what she just said; it just wouldn't make sense that they couldn't at least smirk at her rueful remarks. Jeff asks Colleen "how nasty it's going to get." Colleen says that it'll get "pretty nasty; there's a lot of stuff going on."

Richard goes to vote. The camera cuts away as he writes, and then returns when he folds his ballot and says, "Why are you going tonight? Because you screwed up. It wasn't your turn, and you were supposed to stay [at this point the camera cuts to Sean, and then to shots of Susan and Rudy snickering], so you're actually being sacrificed even though you were supposed to stay! But, goodnight." Susan votes, and we don't see it. Colleen votes for Sean and explains, "I can't vote for myself, so I've got to vote for Sean, because...same reason as last week, really. He knows, he knows." Kelly votes for Sean and says, "Twenty-four-seven is all I have to say." Huh? Sean offers a rambling explanation for his vote for Colleen, and purposely misspells the name "Cooleen" because "she's a really cool girl," and he'll "probably see her vote, in the jury." So is Sean with the alliance now? Has Sean rushed in where Kelly fears to tread?

Jeff leaves to tally the votes. Greg. Colleen. Susan. Sean. Kelly, playing with her fucking tongue barbell, which is my BIGGEST piercing peeve -- it really bugs me when people do that.

The first vote is for Sean. The second is for "Cooleen." The third is also for Colleen. The fourth is for Sean. The fifth is for Colleen. She looks nervous, but resigned, and when the last vote is, of course, also for her, she whispers to her former teammates, "Be nice to each other, okay? I swear, I'm watching you! Play fair, okay?" She beams as Jeff snuffs out her torch, waves, and walks off through the woods. Jeff says he heard her last words: "Play fair, be nice." "She's a wonderful person," declares Richard magnanimously.

Over the credits, Colleen says, "I had a lot of fun, and the past week was actually the hardest part of the whole thing. I'm excited now for the step; I want to sit on the jury box. If I came into this game on Tagi's team, I think I could have won -- I'm just going to say it. You know, no harm in saying it now, after I've been kicked off and I didn't win, but really, I think I could have won." I don't think there's been a more magnificent departure than that; really, Colleen left at the absolute height of her power and popularity. She will be missed, but we'll all see her again in the pages of Jane or some such.

week: Susan trusts Colleen more than she trusts Kelly. Kelly says a bad word.