Last week on Survivor: Talking Rudy Doll burned the S8's fish dinner and Rich pouted about it. Kelly conveniently sprouted a conscience. Jenna went home to her beauties...and her local cosmetics counter.
It's Day Twenty-Eight on the island, as we see many shots of reclining Rattana members, including one of Idiot Seanvant repeatedly butting his head against a tree and murmuring, "Sean bad. Sean very bad." Kelly tells us that it's always weird the day after a castaway leaves because "someone's not here," and it appears that Confucius has paid another visit to the island, leaving behind such wise statements as, "When person leave, no one there." Rudy tells us that Gervase was the original target of the alliance, but that at the last minute it was "the women's idea" to vote for Jenna. As Sue and Colleen haul wood (the hauling-wood disease has spread from Pagong to Rattana), Sue says, "The sun is out. It's gonna be a nice hot day. And it's quieter. Sorry, Jenna, but man you talk a lot." But didn't Jenna drive Colleen wild with her constant chatter and pink bikini? Sue continues to trash Jenna, and loyal Colleen and charming Gervase jump right in. They both say they thought Jenna would have been voted out soon; Gervase adds that he "loves the surprise." In a confessional, he tells us, "They can deny an alliance all they want, but there's gotta be an alliance. " And here I officially conclude that the S16 were not chosen for their deductive reasoning skills. Sean tells us he's still not convinced there's an alliance, and also that he's still not sure the sun doesn't rotate around the earth and that since he's never seen any proof that the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist, he still leaves his teeth under his pillow. Colleen seems particularly irritated with Idiot Seanvant and claims that he "lead the way for Jenna to be kicked off the other day," but in no way did Colleen lead the way by voting for her own teammate two weeks ago. Colleen and Gervase have already been spared or suffered through Idiot Seanvant's strategy, so I'm not clear why they're so upset about it.
We then see a replay of Just Peachy's finest hour, when he says, "'J' is for Jenna," as the deciding vote is called. Rich then tells us in a confessional that Idiot Seanvant has realized his vote "impacted" who got voted off when Jenna was "dejected." I don't argue that Jenna may well have left that Tribal Council feeling dejected, but I think the word he's looking for here is actually "ejected." Idiot Seanvant borrows a cup of ego from Rich and tells us, "Whatever vote I was gonna go they were gonna copy. If I knew that I would certainly have abandoned the strategy earlier." We then see Idiot Seanvant sitting with the group and yelling to everyone about his strategy, and it appears to be one quarter for the benefit of his fellow castaways and three quarters for the benefit of the television cameras hovering nearby. He rambles on about how he was subconsciously targeting people and finally concludes that he's abandoning his alphabetical ways. Colleen tells us that someone forgot to tell Idiot Seanvant that Survivor was a game. I accidentally pause my television here on a drippy shot of Idiot Seanvant in mid-blink, looking particularly Charlie from Rain Man. Colleen tells us Idiot Seanvant is "very concerned about people's emotions and feelings, which is wonderful if, you know, you're taking care of a pet." The editing throughout this segment is really weird. We see a shot of a lounging, suspicious-looking Rich during the "taking care of a pet" part, whereas such a shot is usually reserved for alliance talk. And then for some reason we cut to a particularly wide-eyed tousled-hair Playboy-centerfold shot of Colleen lazing about in a hammock and staring sideways, which would have been better used during the Colleen/Greg part of the manipulative editing. Idiot Seanvant tells he felt "scummy" and that "every single one of 'em has tried to form a strategy with me, personally," and he sounds very proud when he says, this like they were all picking him first for their kickball team. And besides, I didn't see any of those people jumping on board the alphabetical train. Last week, Idiot Seanvant told us that no one had ever mentioned an alliance to him, so either he is a liar, has an extremely poor short-term memory, or they're using their footage out of chronological order again. In a moment that made my blood curdle, Rich psychopathically tells us that it's "utterly, utterly, utterly naive," for the others to think there's "room for" strategizing now. Gervase's granddaddy momentarily inhabits his body as Gervase sensibly states that Rich is too confident and needs to be taken down.
We then see a shot of Rich doing the Proud Peacock Strut down the beach. As the group hangs out, Rich condescendingly announces that he was "bombarded," and that "a little alliance tried to attack Richie on my birthday." Gervase tells us from the hammock that Rich was very close to leaving during the Tribal Council, and that he had a difficult time accepting it. In a weird moment, Gervase says to the camera, "Rich even thinks I, uh, formed an alliance against him last night, which I didn't," so either Rich is standing two feet away or else Gervase is onto a sneaky camera guy who Richard bribes for inside information with leftover ray scraps.
Back in the group, we see Rich kidding with the others, but we really know he's threatening to stop providing fish because of the prior night's vote. Rich then explains to us that his fishing is strategic and he'll wait to get fish until more people are gone, and even then he'll limit it. We then see him telling the same thing to Sue, which was good, because while he was saying it the first time, I was definitely hoping I'd get to hear him say the same damn thing again. They then part with very Pagong-like tidings, "enjoy your days," and "be carefuls," and "buh-byes." Sue tells us she doesn't blame Rich because there are "a lot of mouths to feed and they don't appreciate it." As Rich pokes around underwater, we get the same exact shot as a couple weeks ago with two orange fish in some coral, and his voiceover tells us that catching fish is an analogy for "picking off the tribesmembers one by one." He proudly tells us, "I've been stalking them since before we got on the island." As we see him spearing yet another ray, his voiceover says, "Bye-bye baby," and there's just no way to know what this is a response to -- it could be his final comment to Sue as they amicably parted earlier.
Back at camp, Sue says that Colleen and Gervase are "backstabbers" because they voted for Rich but still chow down on the food he provides. Sue is being portrayed here as particularly nasty; we see her picking food out of her teeth with her tongue, then belching very loudly and looking from side to side as she tells Rudy, "Good rice." In a confessional she says, "My strategy all along has been to play the role of the dumb redneck," a comment accompanied by another burping shot, to which Rich responds, "There you go, Suzie-Q." She continues with, "People, like, think rednecks are so vulnerable. And dumb. That they'll talk to 'em. Openly. Like Rich did. [Cackle. Cackle.] You know how he's gonna burn everybody." We then see yet another shot of Richard's plotting face, and either they're using them all up here or else Rich did a godawful lot of plotting. Or maybe that's his natural expression. I just noticed that Sue has expensive-looking teeth. She says, "Hopefully in the end the old redneck will burn the city slicker," and seems to find all of this very amusing.
As Kelly and Sue haul some more brush, Sex Talk Sue makes her first appearance in the episode and says she thinks they should take Rich out in the end, and that it would be best if "just the two of us did it." We then cut back to Sue's confessional where she reveals, "I been knowing all along that I'm gonna burn him. But I didn't wanna say anything to Kelly too early." Sue then tells Kelly that Rich is a snake, but that she appreciates that he "got their crap together early" regarding the alliance. She says she never trusted Rich, but that she hopes it looks like she trusts him. Kelly tells Sue she knew Rich was against her and that "he's not that fucking smart." As they have this conversation, it's edited to look like Talking Rudy Doll and Rich are knowingly watching Sue and Kelly, but I don't really believe that they are. Sue tells us, "Right now, I don't trust anybody except for Kelly. I trust Kelly one hundred percent. One hundred percent. And she trusts me the same. We're like sisters." Wicked stepsisters, maybe. Kelly and Sue talk about when they'll get rid of Rich, and Kelly says, "I would feel so good about myself," which seems to contradict her whole new ethical standpoint about doing things as an individual. Kelly tells us she and Sue have bonded, and then in a brief trip to bizarro Survivor world, Sue appears in a confessional and says, "And, uh, it'll be twenty years come this Easter that I lost my best friend. So comin' across Kelly, someone I can hang with. It's been so long. I ain't gonna fuck her. I'm not burning her." She starts crying here, and I hate to poke fun at someone's misfortune, but that's my job. Sex Talk Sue "ain't gonna fuck Kelly," and I bet Kelly's happy about that in more ways than one. And not to sound like Talking Rudy Doll here, because maybe Sue does feel fraternally or maternally towards Kelly, but it may be that she's feeling something else. As Sue lies face-up on the raft and Kelly lies face-down, we see Sue's hand creep slowly outward towards the underneath part of Kelly's upper thigh, which is not something I've ever done with my sister. But then again, maybe Greg does that with his sister, so who am I to judge?
Talking Rudy Doll and Rich hang out in the hammocks (this is the first time I've seen Talking Rudy Doll in a hammock), and Rich blabbers on while Talking Rudy Doll just looks around crankily. Rich says he believes everyone in the alliance; he's not sure Kelly is as "solid" as he hopes, but he feels very good about Sue. I like it when the editing pokes fun at Rich. Rich says he hopes they're serious and "if they're not, then they're brilliant, because they've played me well. They've played me beautiful." Like a violin, Rich, or a tuba. We then cut to a shot of Sue and her tattoo lurking very visibly outside of camp, saying once again that she'd rather it was just her and Kelly to burn Rich because it will "feel so good." Do you think Sue and Kelly want to "burn" Rich? Do you think it will make them feel good? Because I'm not quite sure, and I think I need to hear it a few more times to be convinced. Rich says that if they are playing him, he'll "shake those people's hands and say, 'Congratulations. You've...you know, Brilliant. Good job. You got it. Because you fooled me." Rich stutters at the very thought of being wrong. We then cut to a shot of Sue saying, "Me 'n' Kelly are takin' him down."
After the commercial, the Survivors strut down the beach together and find one cigar in the treemail. Gervase shrieks that they should "roll that bad boy, lace that bad boy, smoke it!" It's difficult to tell whether they think the cigar is challenge-related, and whether they even knew that Gervase had a baby on the way. Colleen reads Gervase's name with a question in her voice, and we discover that it's a birth announcement, which we already knew from last week's preview. Kelly just can't wait for an excuse to hug Gervase. Later, as the survivors sit around, Idiot Seanvant examines the cigar with an expression on his face like, "What is this thing from which smoke issues forth?" Rich says he didn't even know Gervase was expecting another child, and "four kids. Holy Moses." Gervase, in a confessional, tells us his situation: he had two children from a first relationship that didn't work out, and two more with Carmela. Which sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Rich probes into Gervase's personal life and asks if he and Carmela are "together permanently." Gervase says they're still working things out. I am curious to know if all these children were planned or accidents or some combination of that, but I'm not asking that question, because I understand that that's Gervase's business and not mine. But of course, since Gervase lives inside Rich's head as a figment of his imagination, Rich has the right to ask such questions.
Talking Rudy Doll tells us, "When I was brought up, if a girl was pregnant and wasn't married, you'd never even know it. I mean they'd take her out of town or something, it was that bad, you know? The girl coulda had an abortion. I'll agree with an abortion, but not havin' kids out of wedlock." I'm not even touching that one, except to say there's been confusion in the forums regarding whether Talking Rudy Doll said, "I'll agree with an abortion," or "I don't agree with an abortion," but the five times I played it, I heard the former. In this confessional, he's Floating Talking Rudy Doll. Or maybe Disembodied Head Talking Rudy Doll. The survivors are huddled around the camp while Sue preaches to Gervase that having children is a huge responsibility. He has three -- you'd think he'd know. Actually, it's difficult to tell if Gervase is even in the same place as Sue is, but the film is edited to make us think she's talking directly to him.
Idiot Seanvant and Gervase strut down the beach and discover a pizza box with a clue inside. The clue is a poem, which is not so offensively bad as prior ones, but still not worth repeating except to say it mentions that "a phone call's been placed" and "steady feet." Sue proclaims that the challenge is "balancing crap." Rich thinks it might be walking on hot coals, which he's excited about because, as a minion of the devil, he's has some experience with warm-weather climates. Talking Rudy Doll proclaims, "A phone call's been placed. They called Pizza Hut. That's what that means," in case any two-year-olds or Idiot Seanvant needed an explanation. As the survivors walk toward the challenge, I deduce that the show ran over its sound-effects budget using all the creative island-themed music. Today, they've borrowed the background music from the low-budget instructional videos they show you on car safety and CPR in high school. Maybe the S7 will be forced to sit through a safe-sex video! We see a raised course in the water -- it's like a horizontal pyramid with thin bamboo poles stretching between legs. Peachy perches on the manageable part of the course and tells us it's a race; the winner will win a phone call home and "a slice of hot pizza delivered by helicopter." As the S7 get to him, Peachy says to Gervase, "Congratulations on your baby. That's great news," but it doesn't sound like it's great news, because we all know that to Peachy, great news is bad news. He re-explains the race to them, and adds that the course has three legs and that the fastest four will progress to the second round, and then the fastest two. He adds that "it's about speed and balance," in case they thought it was about logic and upper-arm strength. During Peachy's speech, Idiot Seanvant learns that when you clap your hands together, they make a noise.
The S7 take their places, and I didn't realize the bamboo poles moved! Talking Rudy Doll, Colleen, and Kelly are down on the first leg. Gervase falls, but saves himself. Kelly tries to get back up to continue competing, but Peachy explains to her that when you lose, that means you actually have to stop playing. She acts like this is a surprise, even though she made the same mistake during the Great Can Opener Debacle, and then she cannonballs into the water. During the round, Sean falls and Sue finishes slightly behind the others, making Rich and Gervase the final contestants. Peachy says, "Sue, it was Gervase by a nose. You're always in there, though," because he can't miss a chance to rub it in. The finalists race across two bamboo poles which meet up at a single plank. Whoever get there first attempts to make it to the other side; if he misses, the other contestant get a chance, and they keep trying until someone succeeds At this point Peachy advises, "The other guy's got to succeed. Don't push him off." Gervase makes it first and Rich muscles up to him, breathing heavily and constantly reminding himself that if he pushes Gervase, he automatically loses. Gervase wins, and here comes the helicopter playing the cheesiest music. It's "Flight of the Something or Other," and it's what they always play during the heroic moment in cheesy older movies. ["'Bumblebee.'" -- Sars] Peachy runs over to the helicopter, hoping this might be his big break and he'll get Die Hard Five: I'm Still Alive. He then says, "Hot slice of cheese. The middle of the South China Sea. Pizza delivered by a helicopter. It is your slice to enjoy, so have at it." Kelly walks back and forth in place like she has to pee while she covets Gervase's hot, steaming piece. Gervase shares with the others, but Talking Rudy Doll refuses to have a bit. It looks like he regrets his decision afterwards, however, because he reaches for it. Gervase has also won a phone call home. When Peachy asks who he'll call, Kelly assumes an "I'm going to punch you if you don't give the right answer" stance, as Gervase deliberates and then makes the right decision. The others cheer when he says "Carmela" instead of Pulau Tiga's escort service. Peachy generously says he won't make Gervase call now, when it's 3 AM in New Jersey; he'll make the trip to camp in the morning so Gervase can call then. Oh, that Peachy, he's a, well, a peach.
On Day Twenty-Nine, Talking Rudy Doll sleeps really cute. Until he opens his mouth. He tells us, "Ten more days and it'll all be over. I'll probably never see these people again. That's the way I want it." Gervase happily struts off to make his phone call. With his footprints still fresh in the sand, the Rattana start talking about him. Rich says he doesn't judge Gervase and that it's good that he's working towards a commitment. Talking Rudy Doll growls, "I don't agree with, uh, babies out of wedlock, that kind of garbage, you know." He says that "them kids need a family. They need someone beatin' 'em in the head." It looks like he'd happily volunteer to perform that service. Gervase rings up Carmela and she is the very picture of Madonna, waiting for her phone call, which she obviously knows is coming, or else there's always a camera crew in her house at 8 AM. She exclaims, "It's me!" when he calls, which is curious because who else would it be? Gervase's primary concern in this conversation appears to be whether baby Gunner has a lot of hair. Carmela puts his little girl on the phone, and she's just as adorable now, even without the fashion-inspiring Afro-Puffs. Meanwhile, Colleen, Sue, and Kelly talk about Gervase and it's all "sensitive, mistreated man" crap. Sue goes all Pagong in this scene and tucks up her shirt to show her belly. At one point she looks like she's lifting her shirt even higher, but the camera pans away. Or maybe the cameraman just passed out; it's hard to be sure. We then see Carmela tell Gervase that she's proud of him and also that she's taken care of all "[his] bills."
Back at camp, Rich tells Sue that they seriously lucked out by not being placed in Pagong. He says he could never have built alliances there; Sue uses her favorite word, "flaky," and adds that even Kelly, who she'll never "burn," is "even a little flaky at moments." In a clip we've heard before, Rich says, "For twenty-two, she's amazing." Kelly does a conscience walk down the beach, and her voiceover tells us that the experience is not what she expected. She says, "It's not surviving the elements, it's surviving yourself," and adds that she didn't want to join the alliance because she thought it was "conniving and dirty and untrue to [her]self." But that didn't stop her while she was benefiting from it. Gervase tells his from his hammock that Kelly was "strong-armed" into joining, and that's it affected her "personally like a tug of war." We then cut back to Kelly, who tells us, "It's not worth it to feel like shit for the rest of your life. For a little bit of money and your fifteen minutes." If she thinks one million dollars is "little bit of money," why ever did she steal a credit card to buy a fifteen-dollar tank of gas? As she walks down the beach with snorkel gear, she says she feels like Luke Skywalker and that she "crossed over to the dark side for a moment." I think she means Darth Vader. Or maybe she means that character played by Billy Dee Williams, who betrayed Luke and Leia when they landed on his cloud planet. ["Lando Calrissian." -- Sars] In any case, we know what she means, even if it sounds like a load of bull to me.
We then see that all during the voice-over, she's been walking towards Rich, who is going to teach her how to snorkel. She tells us that making a deal with Rich is like making a deal with the devil, but that she decided a long time ago that she wasn't a part of the alliance. She can say she's not part of the alliance as much as she wants, but as long as she votes the way the alliance wants her to, she's still their puppet. We then see Rich and Kelly interacting by the water hole, and Rich tells Kelly she's seemed down lately. We're not sure when this is occurring, though. Kelly wonders in a confessional whether she should "roll over and let Rich decide how it's all gonna play out, or do I try to beat him at his own damn game?"
It appears that Sean is eating an exotic Pulau Tiga apple as he walks toward the treemail with Colleen. Except he's kind of holding it out in front of him like it's hot or prickly or something. Colleen tells us it's difficult for her to talk to Kelly about alliances, because she's not sure where Kelly's loyalties really lie. As they retrieve the immunity challenge clue, we see that it is attached to one of those backyard tiki torches. You'd really think they could do better. Rich raps the clue aloud, and I cover my ears and Piglet's ears as well.
Peachy says, "At Day Twenty-Nine, what is there to say? Nobody's happy for anybody else when they win the immunity challenge. At this point, nobody's safe on that stage, everybody knows that. This is go-for-broke-time." He tells us that the game is designed to show how much they've learned on the island. They are to gather driftwood, light a torch from the water, carry it back, and burn through a rope raised above their driftwood pile. As they start their piling, Kelly knocks Sean over and pushes him out of her way, which just must be pent-up aggression because there's definitely enough wood to go around. Everyone else is sort of maniacally piling wood, but Rich is very careful and methodical about stacking his for height. In the second phase, Gervase reaches fire first, but his torch must have gotten wet because he can't seem to light it. Colleen doesn't even look like she's trying -- she's just wading through the water and looking pretty. Rich is back with fire well before everyone else, and that's the end of that. Gervase is still lagging behind because his torch won't light. Peachy says, "You got plenty of time, Gervase," just as Gervase gets to the beach and approaches his wood pile, but the torch goes out again, so Gerv rolls his eyes and heads back into the water. Rich burns through his rope first, and the little jig he does has reached mythological proportions -- nothing I say will do it justice now. He continues to gloat and rub it in, and everyone pretends to look happy for him except Rudy, who shakes his head and looks disgusted. We then see a shot of a dejected-looking Gervase walking up the beach with his head hanging down. At this point, the camera pans back to the bonfire area, which has been paid a little visit by Foreshadowing, which has come and gone and spelled out "So Long, Gervase" in Target citronella torches across the beach.
At camp, The Someone's Getting Kicked Off Sonata plays as we see various candidates. Gervase tells us Rich is insufferable since winning and to "watch the arrogance and the swagger." Gervase tells us he doesn't know "for a fact" that there's an alliance, but that he's "a smart guy." Kelly says she talked to Colleen and they agree that "this sucks," particularly for Colleen and Gervase, who know they're going . We then see Gervase and Colleen making costumes for Tribal Council: Gervase is now Bullseye and Colleen is Sitting Duck. Colleen's drawing of a little duck is almost as cute as she is. Never too far from a hammock, Gervase tells us that "they can get rid of me in three votes," but that if the two of them work on Kelly, they can swing things. He seems to think Sean is on their side. Kelly says, "I wish something exciting would happen, something shocking, that no one expects." My guess is that every one of the seven knew exactly what was going to happen, but every viewer in America was shocked. I don't think that's exactly what she meant, though. Meanwhile, an island storm is brewing, and everyone's in their rain slickers except Talking Rudy Doll, who has only one outfit which includes white socks rolled up to his neck. Rich stands out in the rain and happily tells us, "Kelly cut her own throat tonight. It's a wonderful thing," which sounds pretty malicious if you ask me. He says that Kelly tried to align herself with the Pagongers and that he can tell something else is going on. Sue and Kelly then discuss that they both see right through her. They're like Gargamel and Azrael. Rich says to us, "It'll be interesting…she could have consequences. We haven't decided yet. We…hmm." And I think this is his snarky way of saying there's not "we," just a "me." And at this point, we're tipped off to the fact that Kelly is definitely not leaving this week, because we're supposed to think she is.
As Rattana arrives at Tribal Council, we see that the jury now includes a very pissed off-looking Jenna, who was happily reunited with her cosmetics case, as well as with her beauties, after having been voted off last week. Peachy, who always kicks a man when he's down, says that Sean's vote "resulted in Jenna being ejected" last week; we then cut over to a shot of Jenna glaring at him. I totally don't get how Sean is the one at fault for Jenna's leaving. A lot of other people voted for her too, so why aren't they being blamed as well? No one there hasn't cast a vote for Jenna at one time or another -- well, maybe Kelly hasn't, but still. Sean responds that the others implored him to "get some balls" and vote his conscience, and that's what he'll do from now on. Peachy then asks Kelly what her voting strategy is, and she says it's based on "who's competition and who's pissing me off," which gets a chuckle from the other castaways. Colleen announces that she's "just waiting," and that this conclusion is based on "eyes and ears and alliances and non-alliances." When asked if there's an alliance, Sue launches into her campaign platform for a pro-alliance society and rambles on and on about politics and church membership and connections and insurance agents and real estate, and although she takes a while getting there, she does have a point. She says that Tagi lived together, built a home together, and made friendships, so of course they'll have formed connections. She adds, "This is just a chess game. It's the way life goes," and I'm thinking Sue has probably not had a particularly easy life. Peachy then calls out Richard, who dodges the question once again by saying he doesn't know if there's a way to break the alliance because he has no idea who is trustworthy and who isn't. As the voting begins, Gervase votes for Sean because "for a smart guy, he has no common sense, no brains in his head really when it comes down to it, so Sean really deserves this vote." Sue picks up her pen and says, "Hmm. How do you spell it? He's a nice guy, best of luck. But, I'm tired of gettin' beat at the competitions. So." She votes for "Gervis," and seems pretty earnest in her choice. Rich stumbles up to the vote and grins. Colleen says she thinks Sean was "pretty pathetic," and that he's "a putz," and in an instance of perfect editing, we cut to a shot of Idiot Seanvant grinning like, well, an idiot. Peachy returns from "counting" and reads the votes: Sean, Sean, Gervase, Gervase, Gervase, Gervase. Most of our castaways do fairly well on the spelling. Peachy doesn't bother to read the last vote this time, and Gervase brings over his staff to be extinguished. Peachy tells the group they're now down to six, because most of them can't count that high.
week on Survivor: one castaway wins a night of luxury on a yacht. If Colleen wins, it will miraculously turn into a "night of luxury on a yacht with Just Peachy." Sue gets pissed off, maybe more so than usual.
As the credits roll, Gervase tells us he holds no grudges, but that his team would never have behaved the way that Tagi did. We see that the alliance voted for Gervase, as did Sean and Kelly. Maybe we'll one day get to experience Gervase's winning personality for ourselves in the Survivor You Never Saw release.