Last week on Survivor: Sonja got snuffed. B.B. irritated his team by having a work ethic; life experience is a buzzkill at Club Survivor. Stacey won my permanent disdain by wearing a floppy island-motif bow in her hair. Does she think this is sorority rush? She must have left her pearls at home.
Before I begin: things did not work out between me and Sean. It's over and I've accepted it. I just can't compete with his super-pole. Nor would I want to.
We hear the same shtick from Jeff Probst before the credits. I've only seen Rock & Roll Jeopardy twice, but I don't recall him being nearly as annoying as he is on this show. In case you missed last week (and hordes of media attention), "thirty-nine days, sixteen castaways, one million dollars" sums it up quite nicely. Don't ask me to say it again.
At Tagi Day 4, Stacey whines that she is hungry. She's starved herself before, but not for profit. I think the CBS honchos need to let us into the loop here; "dire" isn't the word I'd use to describe the crates of food I watched them unpack last week. It's a lot more than I have in my cupboards. The tribe seems oddly excited to eat rat; maybe Susan's been talking it up. Having seen combat, however, a couple of days sans brie and Beaujolais are just fun and games for Rudy.
As Richard, Kelly, Sean and Stacey (who resembles Diane Lane in this scene) head out on the raft, we learn that they've been baiting traps with crabs. I don't understand why don't they just eat the crabs. Richard wants to know more about Stacey since he voted for her last week. I don't need to know her any better to know I don't like her. Richard then tells us that Stacey thinks Rudy voted for her and that she's not worried about it because "he's anyway." She then continues her smear campaign against him, saying he's doing "inappropriate" things in the kitchen that cause knives to rust in mere hours. She calls him a "liability," but I think she's just using big words hoping the others will just assume big words make sense. Rudy shows that he didn't learn much in kindergarten when he cryptically tells us, "Me and her wouldn't get along. If we were friends on the outside I'd definitely avoid her." He then says that after three weeks in the jungle Stacey will learn her lesson. Please God don't let her make it to three weeks. But if she does, make it a lesson of the malarial sort, okay?
At Pagong, we really shouldn't expect anyone else to be working except B.B. and Gretchen. Interspersed with shots of B.B. bossing the others around, various Pagongs comment on his technique. Jenna says that B.B. is the reason the team is getting things done. Don't worry if you miss this clip -- they use it again in a totally different context later. Colleen reveals that she suffers from Madonna syndrome and speaks with a perplexing indeterminate accent as she comments, "I mean, really, B.B., he's adoraaaaable. Who wouldn't want zee B.B. action figure?" I just checked her bio and it turns out this accent may have legitimately developed during her extensive two-month trip to France. Or from her love of French movies. In any case, we know she's American because Jeff Probst insists upon it. According to B.B., Gretchen, Greg, and "the lady in the pink swimming suit" are the hardest workers in the tribe. How are we supposed to remember their names when they can't even remember each other's names? Ramoaner is irritated that someone expects her to work -- she seems to think she's "working [her] butt off." She makes a thinly veiled threat against B.B., saying, "I don't see it lasting much longer," pretending like she's talking about his hard work, but it's obvious she's suggesting he'll soon be homeward bound. B.B. runs out of shelters to build so he turns his efforts toward a heretofore-neglected necessity: chopstick making. How very Gilligan's Island of him; now all they need are some straws for their coconut-shelled piña coladas. I hope the Harlem Globetrotters stop by later on. Everyone thanks B.B., even though I'm sure they could really care less about eating with their fingers when later they'll be shitting under a tree. B.B. so-graciously grumbles that he won't make a ninth set if anyone loses theirs. In another confessional, Ramoaner says B.B., like, will be the first to, like, go. Despite her academic, like, pedigree, Ramoaner does not seem particularly, like, self-aware, like, to me. Like.
Back at Tagi, Rudy cooks papaya and rice. Just being in Richard's presence is emasculating him; it rubs off, Rudy -- watch out. Rudy laughs and walks away when the others announce they're fishless. He did several tours of Vietnam; he's not crying over the possibility that there's no lemon left for his rice. In an abrupt lack of transition, Richard tells us in a confessional that he and Rudy have an "interesting dynamic" and that it might be "difficult" for Rudy to learn he's gay. Sean exhibits more of the diarrhea mouth we saw last week when he tells Richard, "I know you're not just homosexual; I know gay guys don't like to be called that because you're not homosexual, you're gay, you know?" But Richard doesn't know. Sean continues to explete and then tries to divert attention from his inadequacies by pointing out someone else's. He tells Richard that he only needs to worry about one person, and the camera pans over to Rudy throwing knives into the brush. Richard says, "I'm not worried at all," and immediately rises several places in my Survivor standings. It's clear that Sean is pulling a Stacey and trying to save his own ignorant ass by offering up someone else's. Meanwhile, Dirk jiggles his leg so hard with discomfort I'm thinking it might dislocate, or else he's trying to shake his leg off like a rat caught in the trap known as Tagi. But maybe he's just lost in prayer for all of their damned souls. Richard approaches Rudy, and in a voice-over we hear Rudy's crotchety voice say, "He was gonna tell me he was queer then," but that "the homosexual, he's one of the nicest guys I [sic] ever met." He sounds like he's discussing a peculiar animal, and I know that ignorance is no excuse, but sometimes it is. He tells us he's good friends with Richard, "but not in a homosexual way." Because we needed that clarified. In true Bunim-Murray style, we get a shot of Rudy slathering Richard with sunscreen. Sean giggles juvenilely in the background, waiting for his turn. He's hoping Rudy will help him shave his chest later on. He does that, you know.
At Pagong, Ramoaner refuses to eat a mango and says she'll instead drink lots of water. She tells us she's "finicky" and tries to act like it's for the greater good, but I don't see how draining the tribe's water supply in compensation is a gesture toward the community. Gervase says he feels bad for her (I'm not sure "bad" is all he feels for her) as Ramoaner gags and retches on the beach. I hope she doesn't get any puke on her fetching islandwear. Gretchen helps Ramoaner spew and then tells us that Ramoaner does not allow herself to fail. Looks like she's doing a pretty good job of it to me. Gervase feels that everyone is pulling their own weight and that "people have been sick; people have been hurting." "People," in this case, is just another word for Ramoaner. B.B., aware that he's causing dissension, says in a confessional, "I just want to make my life as comfortable as possible and then get the hell off." Except maybe not in that order.
The last time my family gathered, my cousin taught my eighty-eight-year-old grandmother to say, "Wazzap." She can stick her tongue out further than Stacey can. It was truly a life-altering experience.
Back from commercial, Pagongers Colleen and Greg ogle a lizard. Greg, whose sole distinguishable characteristic is that he is an "Ivy League Graduate," says they share a similar way of looking at things. Colleen joins Greg in a nasty-looking pool of muddy water and unconvincingly exclaims, "Oh, zees ees fun!" Greg tells us that Colleen is "rough and ready." And that's far more than I needed to know. Ramoaner, in typical "all work and no gossip makes Ramoaner a dull girl" fashion, says they disappeared for "like, an hour." But not to worry, they were busy making good use of their time creating the oh-so-clever All New Newly Stranded Survivor Game. It's up there with the "treemail" concept. At first I thought he said All Nude and that the cast of The Real WorldHawaii was going to spring from the bushes to take them on. Instead, we suffer through only one round of the game in which Joel is asked to describe his favorite lovemaking position as a food. He says Good and Plenty, and I guess we're supposed to guffaw with the cast, but I'm still trying to figure out what the hell the question meant. Ramoaner loves Greg; she calls him an icebreaker. I'd like to break some ice over her head.
Tonight, when the tribe sleeps, the producers throw a snake in with the rats to shake things up a little.
In the morning, B.B. and Gretchen discover that their shelter is in danger of being washed out by high tide. B.B. admits that he was wrong when he insisted they build so close to the water. It's not a mistake on my part. I rewound to confirm. Twice. While moving a big log, the group drop it on Jenna's hand. She writhes around, but I don't think it's any more painful than delivering twins. Ramoaner is actually contributing, but she looks miserable about it. Commenting on B.B.'s negativity as he curses through the group effort, Joel says, "I can't let it bring me down anymore." Sounds like another threat to me. I've noticed that the collective strategy of those who contribute the least seems to be complaining excessively about those who contribute the most. Joel is smarmy; he looks like he spends too much time working out at a health club -- oh wait, that's his job. While arguing over the movement of the logs, B.B. tells Joel that if he needs help building a health club, he'll turn to Joel. Ramoaner chooses this relatively mild comment to be outraged about. In a confessional, B.B. says Joel "reminds me of a guy that [sic] where you buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth, you make a million dollars." Greg says in a Blaine kind of voice that it causes friction, or "a bit of chafing, if you want to put it in island terms." I'm not sure what this means, but since I don't have his Ivy League degree I'll assume it's over my head.
Sean eats in too many gourmet restaurants; he thinks he is going to catch some "sea bass or salmon." He tells us he's built a "super-pole" with a "free floating float," and further explains, "This is sooooo super-pole. All I do is take the line out, line out, line out, cast and boom. That's super-pole." I hope Sean doesn't have to communicate to any patients in his physician capacity. He sounds remarkably like David from The Real World Seattle. Susan continues her campaign to not say a single nice word about any of the other Survivors (not that I blame her) and busts on his invention. Sean says, "Maybe the area is over-fished or something," and confirms for the viewing audience that he received his M.D. through the mail. He looks like a Backstreet Boy: Kevin. Don't ask me how I know. Sean wants his super-pole that way.
At Pagong, Joel catches B.B. washing his t-shirt in the cooking water and informs the rest of the tribe of this ultimate betrayal. I really don't see what the big deal is. They have unlimited water. He took from his own supply. He offers to go get more. The others won't let him redeem himself by replacing the water, and I realize this is all about making themselves feel better about voting him off. As the vultures, led by Joel, swoop down on poor B.B., Ramoaner, like, adds hypocrite to the list of, like, negative nouns that could be used, like, to describe her. She tells us, "It's not about I; it's about us." If "us" stands for "useless," then that's exactly what Ramoaner's about. Gervase adds, "You can't do anything without everyone here agreeing." But it's obvious the show is based on the potential for there being disagreement, so this is just a silly thing to say. B.B. and Gervase start a pissing match about who did more work and Gervase loses any respect I had for him when he gets in the face of B.B., who obviously needs a few minutes in the timeout corner. Joel says he "didn't want this to turn into this." He probably shouldn't have started it in the first place then. B.B. proves he is the only one with a clue when he points out that it's not a democracy. We then get a slow motion shot of him walking towards the ocean. That's the last we ever see of B.B. -- well, almost.
Jeff Probst appears and we get the same exact clip about the treemail from last week. I'm not so bothered by the recycled clip, but more by the necessity of its use. Are the writers just so proud of their own cleverness? I mean, we could figure out they were getting their mail from somewhere, right?
Tagi learns that both tribes have been invited to the First Annual Starving Survivors Benefit, Buffet which will consist of "local delicacies" served "al fresco." Stacey says, "Oh gosh, this is about eating disgusting things." She then singsongs "eating disgusting things" again. Tagi seems way too happy about the prospect of literally grubbing down. Perhaps Susan's talking up all the other wonderful food options akin to eating squirrel.
At Pagong, Ramoaner says, "Oh, I'll swallow everything." Except normal fruit. B.B. thinks it would be best to "lighten the load." At first, Gretchen thinks he's suggesting a coup against Ramoaner, but then she realizes he wants to "engineer an escape route" for himself. Gretchen walks away shaking her head. Both Ramoaner and Gervase use the words "suck face"...I mean, "save face" when describing B.B.'s plan in confessionals. The faux nobility of the group as they refuse B.B.'s request irritates me. Gretchen says the "name of the game" is to "stay together as long as you can," but we know they'll eventually all be stabbing each other in the back. And besides, I thought the name of the game was Survivor.
As the S15 make their way to the immunity challenge, Jeff Probst sits at the head of a rustic table that would make Martha proud. He gleefully reveals a fishbowl filled with fat yellow squirmy beetle larvae, Butok, and explains that the first person who refuses to eat one loses the immunity challenge for his or her tribe. Jeff takes way too much pleasure from assigning these tasks; as the contest begins he urges the contestants to "bite the head off" and not to "just get the tail." I think he should demonstrate. Gervase is incredibly agitated; he slaps himself, shakes his head, and obsessively licks his thumbs as he prepares to lift and eat his Butok. He can barely touch the thing, but he finally manages to down it. These things must have a thick, mealy consistency; it takes the S15 a while to bite into, chew and swallow them. They then have to stick out the tongue to prove there's no Butok residue left. Sean swallows and then looks horrified. Stacey downs hers; she's done her share of tequila shots. Rudy looks like he's tossing back some popcorn and Jenna and Richard toast each other with their Butok. Colleen pronouncedly chomps and chews on hers in a bizarre way. When they're all done, Jeff self-congratulatorily announces that he thought everyone would complete the task. The tiebreaker: each tribe must pick the other's most squeamish person who will then compete in a Butok-eating contest. Pagong picks Stacey, and I can't figure out why; she ate the damn thing whole. Tagi, obviously, picks Gervase. Stacey and Gervase each have two Butok; on the count of three they dig in. I don't know why Stacey didn't shoot hers in succession like she did her appetizer. After a good bit of sped-up footage and lots of vigorous chewing shots, Stacey sticks out her incredibly long tongue and is pronounced the winner. Gervase spews his on the ground and I'm wondering what the animal rights people have to say about this. Stacey and Richard hug. Yuck and Yuckier. As Pagong walks away, Gretchen waits for B.B. and he pats her on the back. I think they have the nicest relationship on the show, even if it is based on B.B.'s male superiority complex and Gretchen's patronization of this attitude. (And I just checked B.B.'s bio; he has three daughters. What an "interesting dynamic" -- to borrow a phrase from Richard -- that must be.)
Back at Pagong, we get more words of wisdom from Ramoaner: "Tribal Council. It's kinda like judgement day on earth, kinda [sic]. That's, like, so daunting. You're like, whoa." Well, doesn't that just sum it up perfectly? The team paints their faces. Ramoaner goes on to say that she doesn't like this because she has no say over whether she stays or goes. Isn't that the point? Ramoaner's degree must have passed Sean's in the mail. Jenna says that she'd vote for Ramoaner. B.B. tells us he'd vote for Joel or Ramoaner. Gretchen bequeaths her tube top to B.B. if she gets the boot, and B.B. responds that he'll leave his towel behind, but he's taking his chopsticks with him. In a confessional he says, "If Gretchen or I would leave this tribe, that'd be like dropping the atomic bomb here." Good thing Kelly brought her bead bag; she'll need it during the nuclear fallout.
Regis...I mean, "Jeff" talks about the tribe's "dreaded hike" to Tribal Council while we see shots of Pagong basically skipping and strutting along. When they arrive, Jeff continues his campaign to become the most melodramatic person on television by claiming, "It's not by accident that Tribal Council is located in the center of the jungle. What happens here is sacred. It needs to be respected." Well, my intelligence needs to be respected, and this isn't cutting it. When the tribe lights the torches, it looks like they're roasting marshmallows. Once again, Jeff wants to induce some warm fuzzies prior to taking the vote. Or maybe he just wants to stretch out his time in front of the camera since it probably won't last much longer, if the viewing audience has anything to do with it. Jenna says that it will be like "losing a family member" and that there will be a "large empty gap in the bed tonight." I don't know about her family, but mine doesn't often share sleeping arrangements.
The Pagong tribe members begin voting. B.B. votes for Ramoaner and says, "I think this person contribute [sic] probably the least of anyone in all of our efforts." Gretchen tells us she chose B.B. because he's a "get out of jail free" card. Maybe they had a conversation we weren't shown, but it looked as though B.B. wanted to stay at the end, so this seemed like a pretty big betrayal on her part. Greg says, "I think it's time for Ramoaner to go." His Ivy League education makes him the only one to figure out that B.B. did a hell of a lot more than Ramoaner. Joel is rather smug and wordy and ultimately says, "Right now [B.B.]'s the best choice."
Jeff skips off in his designer safari gear to tally the votes and reiterates on his return that this is a final decision. He also says that the person voted off has to leave immediately and that there are "no goodbyes." Sonja got goodbyes; did something change? Jeff reads the votes aloud: two for Ramoaner; five for B.B., and since I like B.B. I find this extremely painful. The tribe has spoken; B.B.'s torch is snuffed and he shuffles off down the dark widely-cut trail, hands in his pockets. Ramoaner looks like she can't believe someone actually voted for her. She should get used to it.
As the credits roll, we learn that the last vote was Jenna's; she voted for B.B., despite what she said earlier, making her a liar or the editors more manipulative than usual. B.B. tells us, "I think what I did was the right way." Keep right on doing it all the way back to the mainland. I'll miss you, B.B.
week on Survivor: Dirk bangs his Bible really loud.