Quest for Food

Last week on Survivor: B.B. got the boot. Stayfree continued her war against Rudy. Colleen and Greg got friendly, but not in a homosexual way, that's for sure. Sean refused to speak in coherent sentences.

Camp Tagi. Day Seven. Kelly stretches and tells us she doesn't know where she is when she wakes up in the morning. I bet the cameras in her face tip her off pretty quickly. Susan says she thinks it's day seven, but she's not sure. Even if Sue had a calendar, she still probably wouldn't know what day it was. Kelly, Stayfree and Susan head out to check the traps and Kelly sleepily laments the lack of fish: "There's no reason why we shouldn't be having fish for dinner every night but we're just not. To me, that's kinda like uh [sic], yea [sic], woo-hoo, big Survivors, you know?" Oh, we know. Susan suggestively asks when the last time Rudy went for water was, implying that he isn't pulling his own weight. I suspect that's what Susan's strategy is; she talks shit about everyone, votes her conscience, and doesn't even have to worry about her own ass getting sent back to Palmyra. Kelly says that Rudy's lack of contributions will influence her at the Tribal Council. I don't think anyone's influencing Kelly except Stayfree, and besides, we all know Kelly voted for Rudy at the last Tribal Council, so what's the big if she votes for him this time? Kelly introduces an entirely new strategy to the group when she suggests, "It's sucky but I think it's gonna come down to whoever screws up at the challenges." Susan adds as if its a novel concept, "Yea, I think I'd already know who I'd vote for: the person that least contributes to the group." Susan then tilts her head and nods in such a way that I think she's motioning towards Stayfree, but then I realize she's just miming an off-the-boat/off-the-island sort of gesture. Stayfree rolls her eyes for no apparent reason. Stayfree is like this girl I knew in college. We'll call her Whitley. If you said, "I'm going to the bathroom," she'd roll her eyes. If you said, "I got a B on my calculus exam," she'd roll her eyes. If you said, "My grandmother just died," she'd roll her eyes. A few months into freshman year, Whitley had no friends and the eye rolling continued even in response to the most innocuous things. And then I figured out that she had no control over her eye rolling, but I still didn't hang out with her because aside from the spontaneous eye rolling, Whitney was an annoying girl anyway. In a confessional Susan tells us that, "Stayfree is trying to buddy up with people because she knows she's a weakness." I was hoping Susan would call them "the chicks" again, but she didn't. I guess I'll just have to rewind the tape and re-watch the first episode. Stayfree tells us that Sue didn't want to say who she's voting for, and that although they'd originally decided to stick together, "Now I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, which, according to the group, would be not far."

At Pagong, Colleen says, "The oomph is a little gone from our group and I don't know why that is." The oomph's name was B.B., Colleen, and you voted him off last night. Jenna tells us they're going to have some "mashed-potato-style tapioca root." Maybe Sean will come over and share some of his salmon or sea bass. Gretchen, Colleen and Greg find a "mud volcano," over which Colleen exclaims in cute "Ohs!" and "Oooohs!" and if she doesn't have a million dollars in the form of a modeling contract by the time this show wraps, I'll be very surprised. At this point, the director suggests that Gretchen leave so that Greg and Colleen can strip down and perform sensual acts together. Gretchen refuses so they all just mud down together. That's not exactly how it happened, but same result. The three recruit all the other young and virile Pagongers, and this is exactly why B.B. had to go -- he wouldn't have been nearly as delightful (more like disturbing) to look at squirming around in the mud. Gervase tells us that it's a nice celebration "to get together, to get dirty." Shouldn't they already be dirty if they've been on the island for seven days? Joel rubs himself very lasciviously with mud and imagines himself in the health club locker room.

Back at Tagi, Stayfree permanently walks around like she's tiptoeing; she's used to creeping around behind people's backs. Rudy tells us, "I seen [sic] Dirk reading his Bible today; I didn't know he brought a Bible." We then see Dirk reading his Bible; he has some trouble just saying the word "immorality." Dirk says, "My testimony is not something I'm afraid to share, and that's just part of getting to know people on a deeper and deeper level." No, Dirk, that's just part of inflicting your dogma on people on a deeper and more annoying level. Easy mistake.

Dirk later preaches to the group while making a fist, as if threatening someone to come take his Bible away. Richard looks disturbed and Rudy licks his lips. Susan cracks up. In a confessional she tells us, "I believe in God and all that, but the constantly [sic] everything always comes back to Jesus, Jesus. Yea, Dirk's about driving me wild with that." I don't think she means he's turning her on. We later confirm that Sue has some trouble with her sex terminology.

Kelly crafts something and Dirk peeks over her shoulder and says in a creepy voice, "It's getting even prettier and prettier." Stayfree tells us, "I think Dirk has a little crush on Kelly. He just doesn't have a chance in hell. Because I'm Princess Stayfree Stillman and the only crushes around here are going to be on me. You hear that, Dirk? You better have a crush on me because my Daddy says so and because I'm Stayfree Stillman." So she doesn't say that last part. But she does say that part about his not having a chance in hell. While tugging fanatically at his crewneck, Dirk says, "Unless she tells me otherwise, that's not a line I'm going to cross." He tells the group, "I mean, I've gone twenty-three years without sex, I think you guys can go seven weeks." We don't hear the context of the conversation here, but it appears that Dirk is the one who's uncomfortable with his sexuality, because I don't recall hearing the others broadcast the last time they got some. Except Rudy, who climbs a tree and shouts about his sexcapades in 'Nam. Stayfree pretends to participate in the conversation but her expression just whines, "Come on, guys. When can we start talking about me again?" When Sue tells Dirk he'll enjoy sex, he responds, "I know I'm gonna love it; it's a gift from God, man." Ew. In a confessional Kelly says, "You don't meet many twenty-three-year-old guys who are virgins." Not unless you live in Silicon Valley. Richard says that Dirk is "interesting" (translation: freak), and that "he's extraordinarily religious" (translation: pathological) and that "I don't think we'd ever be real close as a result of that" (translation: I'd like to shove that Bible up his virgin ass). Dirk tells us in his confessional, "You know, homosexual people tend to talk about their homosexuality all the time and it's really annoying me," and then tells Richard that he seems to "talk about sex an awful lot." Richard says, "Nobody's gonna tell me what not to do, what not to talk about. If it's offensive to anybody, I stop immediately." I think Dirk just tried to tell you he's offended, Richard; I for one am glad you missed the hint. Dirk meanwhile is madly trying to chew his tongue off to avoid further conversation with these sinners. He tells us, "Maybe that's just me but if he could cut that out he'd almost be perfect around camp." Dirk pretends like it would be better if Richard would stop talking about sex; but we know he really means it would be better if Richard stopped being gay.

Just Peachy appears to tell us there's another challenge coming up; he is strolling down a narrow stretch of beach with ocean on each side. Is there a name for this type of a body of water? And Greg wants to know, if there is, what sexual position would it be?

I'd just rather see less hind-view footage of Richard running down the beach to check his treemail. Is that too much to ask? Whenever I walk down a beach, I always feel like one of those people in the Huey Lewis video, when the fat sunburned people have all their crap and are stumbling along eating hot dogs and shit. But this is really not my problem -- at least one of the cameramen has an unhealthy fetish for Richard's love handles. And I'm not so bothered that I'd grab Richard by the ear and make him run up a hill a four o'clock in the morning. Only a crazy person would do that! After yet another jiggle shot of Richard running back to Tagi, we hear the eloquently stated task, which I will repeat here: "Lucky for you there's not much to do to prepare for the big race / Just old on tight and use all your might and stay down till your blue in the face / Gasping for air, weight you cannot bear, before you're done you may quit / The fish you desire are yours to acquire, if you're the first to the sand strip." I think Emily Dickinson wrote that one. I'm nearly positive. I surmise that Richard must have some expertise in diving as deduces that, "It's gotta be underwater, holding your breath, getting sumpin', getting somewhere." He then says, "Come on, SEAL," and makes lewd blowing faces at Rudy.

Joel gets the mail at Pagong and Ramoaner says "it's cool" to be underwater; she must not have seen the first episode. Gervase tells us that he's not much of a swimmer but his team will just have to suck it up because "that's what a team does." A team also trains, practices, and prepares for the sport in which they'll compete. Let's just say you're, well, a youth basketball coach. First you would learn how to play basketball and you would expect your team to do the same. So wouldn't you probably learn how to swim if you knew you'd be competing at island games for profit?

At the sand strip, ominous trunks drop into the water. Tagi struts up the beach while Pagong congas over led by Jenna, who couldn't look like she's having more fun. Each member of the Tagi team except Rudy thinks, "Dang. I'm on the wrong team." Just Peachy has the most bizarre delivery of lines, and sounds very happy in announcing that B.B. got voted off last night. This task, which rivals the torch-lighting silliness of the first episode, involves each team swimming out to inner tubes, retrieving a chest and bringing it back to a platform on shore. Basically, it's a glorified swimming contest. And unless Tagi is hiding a miserable swimmer behind Richard, we know Pagong is gonna lose this one. Susan bites it as they run down the beach at the start of the race. I like Susan but that doesn't mean I can't take pleasure from watching her fall. Tagi reaches their inner tube first and Richard and Rudy try to bring the trunk up, but with little luck. At Pagong, Gervase has his own little yellow flotation device, a pair of swimmies, and a nose plug. Well, all except the swimmies and the nose plug. Colleen (because she's "rough and ready") and Greg figure out that they can't lift the trunk and push and pull it along the bottom instead. Someone said in the forums that Joel wasn't taking a turn at diving because he was busy keeping Ramoaner and Gervase afloat; I don't see that for myself, but they certainly can't keep themselves up, so I'll take your word for it. By now, Tagi has caught on and dragged their trunk all the way to the beach; as they rise from the water, they're clustered in a tight little pack. The camera pans back to show Pagong, and they're still out in the ocean, scattered all over the place. This was really funny, but it doesn't translate well in the telling. I notice that Stayfree kept on her big cargo shorts during the challenge. I used to be a lifeguard and as part of the training they made us swim with our jeans on to show how much more difficult it was to be weighed down by clothing. She'll eat bugs for her team, but she won't show the world her thighs? When Tagi celebrates, they start chanting, "Our beach now, baby," which I think is started by Dirk because he has to release his energy somehow. Back in the water, Ramoaner and Gervase practically drown as they cling to each other. The victorious trunk is full of scuba gear and a fishing spear. As the camera pans away, we see Tagi holding hands and prancing in a circle around the trunk. I know the director made them do this because Rudy would never prance of his own free will.

At Tagi Day Eight, Richard is all "spear this" and "spear that." He says, "Yesterday's competition was great. Uh [sic], that was the, uh [sic], pulling the treasure up from the water and draggin' it in and gettin' the mask and snorkel." This tips me off that this interview did not happen the day after the race since he describes it for us like he's trying to remember it himself. He then says, "Oh baby, that made me feel good. I wanted that mask and snorkel from day one." And we're supposed to think that is a really long time but I know I've waited for things I want for a hell of a lot longer than seven days, and most of them I'm still waiting for, come to think of it.

As Richard heads out with the spear and we see various shots of him poking and prodding in dark underwater places, Sean says in a voice-over, "Richard, he overestimates himself sometimes and, uh [sic], we were kinda thinkin' he wasn't going to catch anything. When you snorkel down there, there's nothing even to stab at." Unless you were down there, Sean, in which case I'd have a very desirable target. He continues his "Doctors Can Be Dummies Too" campaign when he says, "We HAVE a good pole, my Super-pole, which is, uh [sic], it works in a Gilligan's Island sort of sense." And that makes you who, Sean? Dirk says he'll be "seriously impressed" if someone got a fish, because if he had one fish and if he could somehow manage to scrounge up a loaf of bread, then he could turn the fish into fishes and the loaf into loaves. He then moonwalks across the water. Okay, so he stopped at the "seriously impressed" part. Sean responds, "All the little fish when they saw Rich swimming around wouldn't be sticking around long -- big gay man with a spear coming right at 'em." Because fish are apparently just as homophobic as Sean is. Richard finally spears something, a manta ray, and brings it up. Sean snarks, "Are we supposed to eat those things?" Richard incongruently replies, "Just, uh, make note who got the first fish," when he should have said, "Bite me." Sean says, "It's not a fish, it's a ray," and then he says, "And besides, I'm rubber and you're glue so liar liar your pants are on fire nah nah nah nah boo boo and made you look!" Underwater, Richard digs around some more and struggles with something long and squirmy with very big teeth that looks a little like Alien. Sadly, it gets away. Richard spears his second ray and Sean helpfully advises him by saying, "No more rays. Get the fish." Richard says, "If I see a fish, I'll get a fish, but if I see rays I'm gonna get rays." And then his voice cracks with self-importance as he says, "There's seven people to feed." And one giant ego. Sean's all, "We don't know if they taste good," and, "We don't know if they're edible." Richard gets a third ray and Sean tries to act not too jealous this time, while Dirk asks why God has forsaken him. Sean can't stop with the backhanded compliments when he says Richard pulled through in catching "fish or whatever it is." While they fry up the eels, Sean says, "They're, uh [sic], pretty darn tasty. I recommend let's keep catching those. They seem to appear to be slow, slow, slow. Or you know how to catch them." Now re-read that sentence and imagine Sean giving a medical diagnosis. Then Richard shamelessly plugs himself, though not literally.

At Pagong Day Nine, Joel and Colleen are fishing. Colleen wears a very fetching sunhat and I wonder if this qualifies as a "luxury" or a "necessity." Of course, the S14 need to look attractive for the audience, so I guess it falls in the latter category. Colleen says they "heard a rumor" that the other team caught fish. Whoever she heard this from must not have heard it from Sean because it's a ray, not a fish, goddammit. Jenna says with her typical enthusiasm, "Oh, I'm so ready to eat rat. I wanna gut 'em, bone 'em, and then we're gonna have, like [sic], some little rat meat in with the rice that we're eating. That would be delicious!" I really hope Jenna's children aren't watching, lest they be seriously traumatized by this.

At night, the Pagong team runs around and tries to catch dinner. Greg has made a clever little rat trap. Joel deposits a rat in full-on rigor mortis at camp and says they're going to have some "surf and turf," with mangos and rat. I'm totally missing the "surf" part of that equation. Greg says, "Rats aren't bad; rats are rats. Questions of edibility only have to do with your perception." Okay already, Greg, we know you are a self-proclaimed "journeyman." In two years you'll sell out to the world of investment banking, but for now you're a "journeyman," if you say so. Joel nibbles on a piece of rat like it's a chicken wing, and Ramoaner asks what it tastes like. When Joel says to "use your imagination," Ramoaner proves once and for all that she actually does have a sense of humor when she responds, "Am I using a lot of imagination?" Greg tells us in a confessional that he wants gravy because, "When cooking rats I would imagine the sauce is of the utmost importance." Back at Ratfest '00, Ramoaner says, "Poor as we get in the ghetto, we don't ever eat the rats. Never." Gervase is not so agitated this week at the prospect of grubbing down on rat as he was last week grubbing down on, well, grub. Joel passes some rat to Ramoaner and she smells it, which is exactly what I would do, as anyone who knows me would attest. She nibbles and passes it to Gervase, who sticks it in the side of his mouth and looks seriously pained as he gnaws at it. Suddenly Gervase busts out with, "We gots [sic] to kill some more rats tonight," and then he starts shrieking something that ends in "like hot buttered popcorn," As many times as I rewound it I couldn't figure out what he was saying. Ramoaner's all, "Can you pass the rat? Please," and, "Why you hoggin' the rat, Joel?" When she gets back to the States, she should stop by Baltimore and eat to her heart's content in the alley behind my house.

At Tagi, Sean checks the mail and is momentarily confused; he thinks they're on Road Rules and that they got another "clue." They are instructed to build a structure and pick the team's lightest person, and this time we're spared the painful rhyme. Stayfree seems like a decent person for about thirty seconds when she says, "In general, we're a really tight group; we all have our individual strengths; um [sic], we're pulling together." And then she has to go and add, "If we could just get Rudy out of here I think we could get even stronger." Do you think Stayfree doesn't like Rudy? I'm not entirely convinced.

At Pagong, Jenna reads the clue, which is phrased like a telegram, aloud. At the end of every line, she points at Colleen who yells, "Stop." This might be annoying if they both weren't so cute. Their stretcher is better than Tagi's; Colleen's head isn't bobbing all over the place like Kelly's was.

The cameras show in slow-motion each team's approach to the beach, like that scene from Reservoir Dogs. I guess an Immunity Challenge is too serious for a conga line. Just Peachy doesn't walk well on sand. He makes each team choose a leader and Stayfree looks back at Dirk, which is just weird. Maybe she's expecting him to push her forward. Peachy explains that the challenge is a simulated plane crash, in which the lone survivor is hanging by a parachute from a tree in the jungle. Plane crash scenarios are always in such good taste. He feels the need to further explain that, "They are equal distance from the beach so everything's fair." Kelly and Colleen are now up in their trees, in jumpsuits and full parachute gear, hanging and cheering. It totally should have been Stayfree in the tree; not because she's lighter than Kelly but just because she's so obviously useless. Dirk races ahead to rescue his beloved, but Tagi isn't really ever in the running. It's hard to tell, however, as they can't show us exactly what each team is doing unless they went to split screen, which wouldn't be such a bad idea. Pagong wins.

While both teams are standing around after the race, the camera zooms in on a rash on Richard's chest, and either this was sustained during the challenge or the love-handle-obsessed cameraman is back on shift. Susan says, "We just gotta get some fish tonight to keep our strength up. I didn't want to do this tonight." But she's kind of grinning and you know Susan looks forward to nothing better than a good Tribal Council. Meanwhile, Pagong is sent off to "Bird Island" to do what they do best: look good.

Back at camp, Stayfree says, "Fun, fun," with a snide look on her face at the prospect of going to Tribal Council. Richard auditions for the role of narrator season and re-explains the concept of Tribal Council, in case we forgot. Stayfree says, "I feel bad, 'cause I know they're all as scared about being voted off as I am. I thought it was a done deal that Rudy would be the one off, but it could be me. I don't know." Rudy has my favorite line in the episode when he says, "I'm gonna vote Stayfree off at Tribal Council tonight 'cause I don't like 'er, and I never will!" Rudy chuckles as he exclaims this and it's all in his delivery, as I crack up and hit rewind. Susan continues on her path of deception as she says, "I told Stayfree I was gonna vote for Rudy, but I was thinking about voting for her, 'cause she was the weakest. I gotta think of the team; that's what I came in here for." I hate it when they're all team this and team that: There's one survivor. That's why the show is called Survivor and not SurvivorS.

Just Peachy stands at ease at the entrance to Tribal Council; Rudy shoots him a dirty look when he walks by. I think. Peach says, "I thought about you earlier making the long walk from your camp to the middle of the jungle to Tribal Council." We get it. It's a long walk. It's the middle of the jungle. We're sitting back and we're ready for a tale. He then says, "We're gonna try a couple of things differently tonight. One is this conch shell, the whole idea being to see if we can get a little more truth. You ought to be able to feel safe to say things here that maybe you can't say back at camp." I miss the reasoning behind this, but at least the conch has finally made its long-awaited appearance. Richard grabs it and yells, "Keep me; I'm bringing the fish!" as if he's kidding. He then says, "Seriously, I'm bringing the fish; don't vote me out." I don't understand how he differentiates between his joke and his seriousness. I also don't know why he's been promoting himself so vigorously throughout this particular episode, and I think he must have been doing it the whole time but it's somewhere on the cutting room floor, along with the various shots of any contestant other than Richard running on the beach. Since we haven't seen anyone but Richard actually make contact with the spear, the fact that he's the only one catching fish shouldn't surprise anyone. Just Peachy asks if Sean feels threatened that Richard "delivered," and Sean continues his tradition of speaking in riddles when he says, "I'm pretty comfortable with my position. I'm entertaining somewhat; I make people laugh, I'm keeping people healthy and, uh [sic], so I'm comfortable with my role, fishless or fish...worthy." (He's certainly not sponge-worthy, that's for sure.) Susan says, "The way we vote is because of the competitions. It's like Rich getting the fish for the group that's not coming into foreplay yet 'cause we're not starving to death." Bwaaa Haaaa Haaaa! Foreplay. Stayfree smiles or grimaces -- the two are indistinguishable -- and has the last word: "You guys, I daresay I was happy to eat the bugs that kept us outta here last time and the game's coming up for my real strong point so...." Stayfree, I daresay no one will miss you when you're gone. It's storming pretty badly now, so Just Peachy decides to start the voting. He did say a "couple things" would be different at this meeting, so either he decided to stop while he was ahead with the conch or he doesn't know the difference between the concept of "one" and of "a couple."

Sean votes for Stayfree and says, "I'm voting for Stayfree, um [sic], nothing personal. I love her to death and this is no reflection on the type of person she is." Aw. That's what Sean wrote in my fifth-grade yearbook. We don't hear the others' voting rationale because they're rushing through the storm. We see Stayfree vote for Rudy and Rudy votes for Stayfree. Kelly votes for Rudy too. I can make out that Richard is also voting for Stayfree.

As Peachy leaves to tally the votes, Stayfree makes a raspberry with her lips and rolls her eyes. Whitley didn't have the raspberry problem. They read the votes; we hear two for Stayfree and two for Rudy. I'm sure they arrange the votes in such a way that they sound more dramatic. Stayfree nods her head when her name is called on her fourth vote as if she has decreed it so. She gets up and looks at Susan and snarks, "All right, you switched your vote." Peachy happily goes through the motions of snuffing her soaked lifelight. Stayfree keeps going, "Okay," and, "All right," because for something to happen she must give permission and then she disappears from our lives forever, and we will never ever stalk her through email or her company's website.

week: Ramoaner moans about how bad the storm was. Gretchen says she won't sleep in the shelter anymore and that she's "going into the woods." Sean wants a bowling alley and Susan doesn't. Richard gleefully tells us he's plotting something sneaky!

After the commercial, Stayfree says, "They kicked off their bug-eating hero instead of their food-stealin', stumbling, ornery old Navy SEAL. Probably the guys said, 'We need to vote off a woman 'cause we need physical strength and who do we think is the least productive,' and that would be me. And yet, I was much more productive than the four guys." And that's the last we will ever have to hear from Stayfree. Join me and Dirk in saying Hallelujah!