Celebrities

So Mighty Big TV asked me to do a recap for this show called Sports Night. It's a television show about a sports show and the anchors and producers and various hangers-on. I used to do a recap for MBTV, but it was so long ago that I don't even remember what show I did. The last show I recapped, Sars was my editor. Now, it's some guy named Toenail Assassin. I'm going to miss Sars; she had this cute thing she did where she acted like she hated my guts. ["Acted?" -- Sars] I'm sure T.A. will do a fine job -- and I'm going to make a comment about him because this is where Sars would interject with some witty quip to prove how much smarter she is than me, and I want T.A. to feel at home in my recap. So: Toenail? Ugh! What kind of name is that? (Insert your snappy comeback here, something like "Yeah! Toenail like a fox!") ["I took the editing for Sports Night this week, but I bet if Toenail were here, hed say, Assassinate this! Okay, so maybe he wouldnt. Anyway, Ill just leave you two boys alone from now on." -- Sars]

This episode starts with Casey trying to get some work done, and Dan pats his stomach and says, "this is Yehudi Menuhin" like he just ate Yehudi Menuhin or something. But what he means is that patting his stomach is the signal for Yehudi Menuhin, which clears nothing up for me. Casey wonders why they need a signal for Yehudi Menuhin, but Dan says Casey would be amazed at how many times it will come up. Then Dan starts rambling on about how he picked Casey first. Still no one explains what's going on. And I know this is some more of that trademark witty Sorkin dialogue, and that this dialogue is fairly realistic because in real life people don't speak as expositorially as they do on most television shows, e.g. "Boy! That sure was a great basketball game we just went to at Boston Garden because I'm trying to impress this new girl I like!" But I don't know how often in realistic dialogue between sports journalists the name of an Israeli violinist comes up. Anyway, I am bored already and I just want them to get to Paula Marshall: Porn Star. Dan natters on about how choosing Casey for his team is a brotherly thing. Casey promises not to let him down. Dan is all obsessed-tennis-dad quizzing Casey on the ONE signal they have. He is very high-strung and barks at Casey after Casey suggests making a playbook. Dan says he could have picked Dave first but he chose Casey, and I really bet Casey is glad about that. Now Casey gets insulted because he infers that Dave is better than he is, otherwise Dan wouldn't have considered picking him first, so Dan placates him by saying that choosing Casey first was a sign of confidence and that Dave is on Natalie's team. Anyway, here are the teams. Dan's team: Casey, Chris, Kim (woo hoo!), and Isaac. Natalie's team: Dave, Dana, Elliot, and Will. Hmmm. That means Natalie has three Tertiary Characters to Dan's two! Oh no! Bum bum bummmmm (shocking realization sound effect). No, wait, it means that Jeremy is not on either team! Oh no! Bum bum bummmmm. Then Casey does the signal for offensive holding! Rectangle Head is such a cut-up! So Dan, exasperated, as they walk towards the set (did I mention this was a Walking While Talking scene? Because it is), spies Natalie and proposes a straight-up trade, Dave for Casey. Natalie tells him tough, he lost the coin toss, so Casey now knows he wasn't the first pick and is a little miffed. Natalie says to Dan, "You're going down tonight," and I guess she doesn't get the chance to say that too often these days, what with Jeremy out of her life now. Dan is excited that she's talking trash, but Dan's done talking because this scene has been officially handed off to Natalie, who then pulls Dana from the control room into the hallway.

It seems that the Sports Report's 100 Most Influential People (whatever) list is coming out soon, but it has been leaked. Turns out Casey is number 92, but Dan isn't on it at all. Unless Casey has some other gig going on the side, I fail to see how a list could pick one co-anchor over the other, but I guess this episode needs a plot that doesn't involve Yehudi Menuhin already. Where the hell is Paula Marshall: Porn Star anyway? Dana and Natalie bicker about who's going to break it to Dan. Natalie won't. We find out Natalie lied and told Dana she picked her first. But Dana doesn't buy it and Natalie fesses up.

Back at the desk, Dan is pretending that he still would have picked Casey if he'd picked first. Casey isn't having it and Dan admits that he needed Dave for "nineteenth-century French philosophers" and "hip-hop" and, ooh, Sorkin is tantalizing us with dribs and drabs of information about this so-called game! Casey defends his knowledge of hip-hop, which I won't bother with. Then he tells Allison, his Sideburn Checker, that he knows hip-hop, and even Allison, a less-then-tertiary Tertiary Character (symbol: "<TC") doesn't fall for it. Jeremy comes by to drop off some script and asks them if they're playing "Celebrities" (it has a name!) tonight. Dan, rather immaturely, pretends that he doesn't know for sure. Jeremy says, "This sucks, you know that?" and Casey and Dan defend ditching Jeremy because it's "Natalie's thing," and Jeremy seems kind of ticked but accepts it. After he leaves, Casey and Dan admit that he's got a fair point, and that things are getting a little uncomfortable. Casey goes into his Casey's Pearls of Wisdom voice and says, "This is why I discourage fraternization in the office," and I want to point out to Casey that it was Dana who discouraged him from fraternizationing her in the office, but my namesake does it for me. They exhume the Dana-Casey Love Saga corpse for a bit until Dan changes the subject and starts talking about how excited he is for this game tonight. As am I! Nineteenth-century French philosophers! Hip-hop! Yehudi Menuhin! Whee! Anyway, the two anchorknobs get all excited about how they're going to kick ass. Apparently, Natalie has beaten Dan one too many times in this game we've never seen before, and he wants to "reclaim [his] manhood." How sad is that? Casey figures it's "payback time for Dana." What? What does that even mean? THEN the two of them get all conspiratorial and admit that they wouldn't say it publicly, but that they are smarter than everybody else. Then of course we get the classic cut to Dana leaning into her microphone to remind these chuckleheads that they're miked. "When is it going to dawn on the two of you that we can hear everything you're saying?" I guess whenever Sorkin gets tired of using this gag. With hilarious results! Commercials.

Danny walks into Isaac's office to tell him that they're going to get started in a few minutes. Isaac starts singing a song: "I like New York in June, how about you?" but Dan has no idea what Isaac is talking about, and Isaac explains that it was a song written in 1940 for a movie called Babes on Broadway, which my Videohound tells me starred Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland putting on a show to save a settlement house, so I immediately wrote down Babes on Broadway on my "Do Not Rent This. Ever" list. Isaac wants Dan to ask him another song, but Dan tells him that the game they're going to play has nothing to do with song titles, like, let him have his little moment for Christ's sake, Dan. Isaac explains that he has a comprehensive command of American musicals, but most people don't know that about him, which I translate into "the writers only just pulled this little character quirk out of their collective ass." Dan is nervous about Isaac's ability to play the game, since he's trying to reclaim his manhood and all. Isaac insists Dan pick another song to quiz him, Dan refuses, Isaac insists, Dan comes out with "How Are Things In Glocca Morra?" which sounds like a made-up song title to me, but my knowledge of musicals begins and ends with Kermit the Frog singing "The Rainbow Connection." Isaac doesn't know this song and it's going to "bug the crap" out of him. Nice going, Dan. Dan leaves as Isaac tries in vain to come up with the song.

Now we go to Dana's office. As glad as I am that Sam's departure didn't send Dana into a dizzying neurotic tailspin, I do find it odd that he is not mentioned at all in this episode. Dana is bustling. Bustle, bustle! Casey comes in while the camera does this full 360-degree revolution. "You sent for me?" says Casey, who thinks that Dana enjoys sending for him, and Dana admits that she does. Casey sits on Dana's desk. I hate it when people plunk their asses down on my desk (unless invited to do so by me). I mean, that's where I have to work. Casey says, "I want to warn you that your neurosis-riddled female power plays aren't going to get you what you want" all smugly until Dana points out, "I sent for you, you're here." Game, set and match for Dana. Anyway, she brought Casey in to tell him that he has been named the ninety-second most influential person in sports. If I were Casey I'd be bagging on this game of Celebrities to go update my rsum with that little accomplishment. Casey makes the (not unreasonable) mistake of thinking that he and Dan are on there together, and he's a little chagrined that they're only ninety-second and that they should be at least sixty-fifth and "that's being conservative," like what kind of idiot would actually count out sixty-four more influential people. Dana informs him that Dan is not on the list.

I wish you could see my television screen right now with the tape of this episode paused. Casey has one eye closed and one eye half open and he looks really stoned.

Anyway, Casey wants to know if Dan knows. Dana tells Casey that he doesn't and that when he finds out is up to Casey, who doesn't relish being passed this buck. Casey calls it delegating. Dana throws his "neurosis-riddled female power plays" quip right back at him. Having finished with Casey, she dismisses him with her trademark "leave now," which I kind of like, and I grudgingly admit that lately Dana has had a few scenes where I didn't want to repeatedly slam my head in a car door quite so much.

we get establishing shots of a bar which is pretty much the only other type of set Sports Night ever uses other than the office. We see a shot of some dweeb's hands building some sort of structure with olives and toothpicks. Pan up and it's Paula Marshall looking on with interest, and I hate to say it but given the scheduling problems Sports Night has had, do they want to tempt fate by bringing on Paula Marshall? Let's see -- Cupid with Jeremy Piven. Okay, I can understand that show being cancelled. But Snoops? With Gina Gershon, who is remarkably sexy despite her duck mouth? I meant to watch Snoops when it was on, but I think I was busy that day. We pan back and the dweeb's hands belong to Jeremy, surprise surprise, and he notices Paula Marshall: Porn Star (oh, sorry, she hasn't revealed that yet) watching with interest. As if. Jeremy says it's a parallelogram and PM:PS argues with him about it in that teasing manner people use whenever they really want to do each other. PM:PS moves her stool close (go Jeremy!) and gives him the definition of a parallelogram, and Jeremy says he knows it and that he actually has a degree in applied mathematics, which I'm sure has really served him well at Sports Night. PM:PS contends that they should have made him come to class more often, which was pretty funny. Jeremy blames his crappy parallelogram on lack of a protractor. You know, I wouldn't have thought that people could use geometry for flirtation purposes -- and I would have been right. Silence ensues as Sorkin runs out of parallelogram-themed Witty Banter. So they introduce themselves. Jeremy gives his full name, PM:PS just says "Jenny." Then Jeremy wonders if they've met before, which is a come-on line punishable by death in most places. Jenny doesn't think they have. Jeremy, undeterred, forges on, trying school and camp, which Jenny denies ever attending. Jeremy says camp was great. Jenny says she heard. Daniel says, "I'm outta here until this porn-star plot picks up some speed." Jeremy then asks if she's in sports, and instead of saying "no" like she did for the other possibilities, Jenny says, "Why do you ask?" and Jeremy says she really looks familiar to him. Jenny asks if maybe Jeremy is in sports, and Jeremy says yes, so Jenny asks if he is Sammy Sosa, then realizes he can't be because "Sammy is a big Dominican man in a Cubs uniform." This small talk is reaching Ben Stiller-level annoyingness. I don't even care anymore that Jenny is a porn star. I just want this half-hour to be over. Jeremy says he works across the street as a producer for Sports Night, which really impresses Jenny. Seriously, she thinks it's big-time. But Jeremy plays down his role, explaining that there are a couple of producers above him. Jeremy! Shut up! Ask yourself, WWDD (What Would Daniel Do)? This incredibly hot woman is intrigued by your olive-and-toothpick parallelogram! I repeat, intrigued! Not weirded out! She's yours! So repeat after me: "I'm Jeremy. I produce Sports Night. It's tough work but very rewarding." Jenny makes a joke about whether or not Jeremy's ascension through the ranks has been thwarted by his inability to build a parallelogram and asks if maybe he'd have more friends if he knew how to build one. Jeremy says he has lots of friends, and Jenny says "you just prefer to drink alone," which I am compelled to point out she was also doing. Jeremy says his friends are mad at him since he broke up with "their girlfriend" which sounded really weird. Besides, I don't think anyone (save Natalie) is mad at Jeremy. Jeremy asks again if she's sure he doesn't know her. She says he doesn't and then says the best thing for him to do right now is buy her a drink, which he does.

Back in the office, the gang is about to play Celebrities which I'm told is a real game, like who would think I'd be so out of the loop in Moose Jaw? Natalie picks up an upside-down Seahawks helmet and the rest of the gang is throwing little scraps of paper into it and Natalie explains the rules. Basically, it's like Charades: you have to get your teammates to guess the name that's on the scrap of paper. You can talk, you just can't say the celebrity's name. Chris throws a scrap of paper in, but he misses and it falls on the floor and Dana picks it up. I'm not sure if that was supposed to happen or if Chris was just nervous about being included in this scene. Natalie then holds the helmet above her head, so Kim has to put her arms over her head to put her paper in the helmet, which makes her breasts stick out even more than usual. Have I mentioned lately how much I love this show? Then we notice most of the extras are milling about, going home, like how rude and exclusionary for the gang to play their little game in front of everybody and rub it in the extras' faces that they are not part of the Inner Circle. I also wonder which one of the TCs got the call-up from the minors to play since Jeremy was frozen out. Probably Chris, who says they can't start the game because Will is in the bathroom. Thanks, Chris! Poor, sad Will. I bet he told his parents not to bother watching this episode: "Yeah, I was supposed to be in this scene, but the writers made me go take a dump since Casey and Dana had to bicker a little more about telling Dan he didn't make the list." Casey doesn't want to tell him just yet, and is saved by Will returning from the bathroom and he's jogging for some reason. Let's just hope he washed his hands. Isaac asks if anybody knows the lyrics to the stupid song Dan gave him. Nobody does. Natalie gives a pep talk to her team. Dan's pep talk involves the phrase "reclaiming our manhood" about fifty times which must have been great for Kim, who, truth be told, could claim mine if she wants it. I'm getting enough testosterone from Dan's team to last me a while anyway.

Commercials. There's an ad for NYPD Blue that mentions Sipowicz going on a date. Please, God, let there be no partial nudity tonight.

Game on! The group is playing Celebrities. Pretty much everyone is getting correct answers but Casey. For example: Dan says "This guy was one of the Monkees." "Davy Jones?" asks not-so-l'il Kim. Nope! "Veronica!" says Casey and everybody on his team makes "what the hell?" faces at him. Casey says she played the tambourine. Dan starts bitching Casey out and time runs out before Dan's team can get any more points. Dan majorly harshes on Dan for guessing Veronica: "You thought maybe there was some sort of crossover between the Archies and the Monkees?" and Casey snaps back at Dan about being under pressure. Dan's team only got four points that round and are down by twenty-two. Dan and Casey call time-out to regroup and get more beer. Celebrities does kind of look like fun. Of course, Kim is playing.

Speaking of Celebr-titties, we go back to the bar where Jeremy and Jenny are getting more tipsy. Jenny is attempting to imitate the intro to Sports Night. Jeremy complains that she didn't "acknowledge the comma" after "good evening" and she says, "You want me to doff my cap?" and Jeremy says it wouldn't kill her and Jenny says, "I don't have a cap," and Jeremy says, "Then you'll have to doff something else" like GO JEREMY. Then Jenny asks, "What did you have in mind?" and Jeremy freezes up, and Jenny senses his hesitation and says "uh-oh" for taking it to the level. Jeremy explains that he's not very good at these things and that girls pretty much have to smack him in the head and give him a sign and I have to say I do identify with Jeremy here, since if I were in his place, even if Jenny came home with me, ripped all her clothes off and tucked her legs behind her neck, I'd still be thinking to myself, "This girl is pretty cute, maybe if I play my cards right, she'll give me her phone number." Jeremy does point out that there are some areas in which he's an expert, like sports, so Jenny wants to know how many home runs Ken Griffey hit in '97, and Jeremy annoyingly points out that Ken Griffey didn't hit any but that his son Ken Griffey Jr. hit fifty-six. Jenny disagrees and says he hit fifty-four. They argue (not seriously, flirtatiously). Jeremy says he's got some kind of sports book across the street. Jenny says she isn't going anywhere. Jeremy gets up. Don't go, Jeremy! There is a beautiful woman who finds your dorkiness charming sitting across from you and who suggested doffing something. Do not leave. Repeat after me: "I produce Sports Night. You are right, Jenny, Ken Griffey hit fifty-four home runs in 1997." But most important, stay there! No! Don't go! Don't -- damn. Jeremy leaves.

Back in the office, Dan and Casey are spending their time-out listening to Isaac moan about how he can't come up with the song "What the Dilly-yo in Glocca Morra" or whatever that was called. Then he shifts gears and reveals that he forgot his grandson's name this morning, just for a moment: "But it seemed longer than that." Dan says his dad used to yell upstairs at the kids and went through a Rolodex of names, which my Dad always did too, and of course, smug little brats that my brother and sister and I were, if Dad didn't call the right name, we wouldn't come down, until my Dad would roar, "Whatever the hell your name is, GET DOWN HERE." Isaac leaves and is barely, if at all, out of earshot when Dan comments that "it's when he gets tired." Then Casey is about to break the news to Dan about the list when Jeremy comes in to get the sports book. Casey invites him to stay and play but Jeremy thinks it would be better for Natalie if he didn't. Casey won't let him leave with the book, like, learn to trust your friends, Casey. Dan calls him on that and says, "Do you know how anal you are about your books?" but Casey isn't having it and counters with, "I know that Natalie's got your manhood stuffed inside a Prada bag," and I tried to count the number of times the word "manhood" was used on this episode but the batteries in my calculator burned out. Jeremy says he'll make a copy. Dan and Casey go back to the game after Casey makes sure Dan knows they need to talk later.