Dana Get Your Gun

The scene is a downtown sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday, where I'm enjoying steak and beer and a highly entertaining football game when all of a sudden I see a commercial which looks like a guest spot of Regis Philbin on Sports Night. Immediately I begin choking and require the Heimlich. I mean, it wasn't as scary as Edward James Olmos' giant head on the big screen during halftime, but it was pretty frightening and I was jumpy while watching the show the following Tuesday. Not only was there not a Regis Philbin cameo, there wasn't even a Super Bowl reference, but I'll let that go since Sports Night was timeslot-less for so long the writers probably had no idea when a Super Bowl-themed episode would air.

This episode starts out with Dan telling Casey to look into his eyes. Casey won't. Dan explains that to look into his eyes is to see sheer desperation, which I suppose the many women in Dan's life can corroborate. Walking and Talking -- Casey tells Dan he won't switch with him because he has plans. Dan says "winding down" is not plans. Casey says he was thinking about going to a movie. Dan complains that he's going to miss a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a movie. Guess so! Not that we know yet what this "once-in-a-lifetime" opportunity is. The suspense is killing me. And by "killing me," I mean "annoying the hell out of me." Casey doesn't see what the big deal is about seeing a singer. We learn that Dan wants to see Tom Waits tomorrow night. Dan's coolness quotient has just been multiplied several times in my mind. Anyway, Tom is playing at a club tomorrow night, which is Casey's night off. Dan promises Casey his first-born son, which would be really enticing for Casey, who hardly ever sees his own first-born son. At the desk, it's Tertiary Character Elliot's turn to have some lines this week, as he gives Casey the update on "Webber," which is "just a sprain." Go T.C. Elliot! Casey tells Dan he needs new clothes and that Dan has to arrange for Natalie to go clothes shopping with him. Seems Casey's seeing this new girl (and I'd like to know what happened to Pixley) who thinks Casey dresses like her father, which doesn't surprise Dan. Or me, for that matter. Casey busts on Dan for mocking him while asking for a favour. Anyway, apparently Natalie has good taste in clothes so Casey needs her help, because last time they went shopping together, he found a "cool scarf." Does a scarf even count as clothes? Dan says he'll make it happen. It's not exactly Mission: Impossible.

In the control room, Dana is giving orders, and both Chris and Elliot get lines instead of silently listening to the dialogue of the rest of the opening-credits cast. Elliot says, "FYI, Miller fouled out . . ." which forces Jeremy to wonder when saying actual words became such a burden. He's looking at Kim but she doesn't have any lines yet, so Natalie says, "1975," in a comedic non-zinger in this week's installment of Sports Night's Quirky Dialogue (tm). Either that or it's more stand-up material posing as dialogue. Jeremy then says, "FYI, BYOB, ASAP," which immediately made me shout, "STHU!" which stands for "shut the hell up." Dana puts a stop to the madness by pointing out she needs his help putting on a show.

In comes Dan to talk to Natalie, but before he can say anything, she says, "Not a chance in hell," and Dan is flabbergasted that she knows what he was going to ask, and Natalie says it's intuition but Jeremy tattles and points out that Dan and Casey are miked. Dana gets all huffy about whether or not Dan planned to check with her to see if it was okay for Dan and Casey to switch. Dan apologizes and asks if it's okay. "What the hell do I care?" says Dana, all impressed with herself for displaying her executive-producer power. Natalie gets up to start walking through the set, forcing Dan to chase her. She bitches some about spending eight hours with Casey as he tried on everything Barney's had to offer. Twice. And then he only left with a scarf, but she doesn't say whether she thought it was cool or not. The scene ends up in a production room where Natalie says "no" again, forcing Dan to get on his knees and profess his love of Tom Waits. I'd like to say Dan's got the style, but not the grace. He's got the clothes, but not the face. He's got the bread, but not the butter. Got the winda, but not the shutter. Natalie tells him there's a party at some place called "Lot 61," and I don't even know if that's a real club or not, but it certainly has one of those telltale Hipness Through Ironic Understatement names. ["It is a real club." -- Sars] Natalie relates how she already tried to get on the list by posing as Dan's fictitious secretary and using his "celebrity." When I stop laughing, I see that Kim is conveniently walking by just as Natalie walks off, so Dan starts following Kim and he grabs her by the -- shoulders -- man, she's got great shoulders -- and he starts pushing her through the various Sports Night sets and he says, "Walk with me." Kim has this weird "what the hell" look on her face, and it's either because she's blown away by the fact that she has lines two episodes in a row, or because people who commandeer your body and say "walk with me" in a water cooler-dictator type of way are incredibly annoying. Turns out that Kim knows one of the bouncers at Lot 61. Isn't that lucky! But wait, she knows him in the Biblical sense. Dan asks if she could call Curt to get Natalie on the list. Kim says, "If I call Curt he's going to think I want to sleep with him again," and Danny makes this groaning noise, but Kim says that she wants to sleep with him again. Woo hoo! Go Kim! Uh -- I mean, look, I'm trying really hard not to objectify you, Kim, would you work with me a little? Kim says she doesn't want to sleep with Curt at her crappy apartment. So go to his place, you randy little trollop. Anyway, Dan promises them a suite at the Four Seasons, and Kim skips off, promising to call Curt.

Wheedling and pimping accomplished, Dan makes his way to the desk, where he lets Casey know everything's all set up and that "this time tomorrow I'll be bathing in the raspy drawl of Mr. Tom Waits," and Casey is equally excited that soon after that he'll be "trying on pants," and it is just beyond sad to equate the two. The prep crew are combing Dan's gay hair. But what's this? Elliot has handed Dana a message, and she informs Dan that Tina Lake (tomorrow night's sub) has called to cancel. "So who we getting for replacement?" asks Dan. "You," says Dana and the camera zooms in on Danny, who looks like he's about to cry. "But I'm going to see Tom Waits tomorrow," says Dan, and his voice is just this side of pouty. Dana says, "Maybe someday, just not tomorrow." The Boys go live and Dan gives the teasers through moderately clenched teeth. Casey gives a teaser with a rare reference to a Canadian hockey team. Woo hoo! As they fade out, Dan gives a disgusted push away from the desk. He's so disappointed! Commercials.

, Dan and Dana are Walking and Talking. Dan is trying to get out of work, but Dana tells him that "the sub pool is dry." Dan suggests a couple of people, but Dana has already tried them because she is "not a moron." Dan is not pleased with the lack of available subs. I suppose I wouldn't be either; what's the point of a sub pool if there's never anyone available? You'd think after the Cut Man debacle that the sub pool would be stocked about two hundred deep, because I'm sure there's no shortage of wannabe sports anchors with catch-phrases at the ready to hit the airwaves. Dan suggests Jennifer Somebody, who Dana says is having a baby. Dan asks, "Which trimester?" prompting a "Danny!" from Dana as they enter the office. Dan tries to suggest that there have been many medical advances that allow women to work well into their "fourth or fifth trimester." Dan refers to women as "you people," which is probably pretty telling in terms of his success with them . . . people. Dana wryly notes it's amazing what medicine can do, and Dan agrees. Natalie barges in and says, "We got Steve Saris." Danny gleefully points out to Dana that "she got Steve Saris" about fifty times and thanks Natalie, but naturally Natalie did it for her own selfish self. Dan promises he'll get her into the club, but Natalie needs to get one more person on the list; Dan wants to know who, and Natalie says, "Who do you think I'm taking, I'm taking my boyfriend." Dan has a good laugh that Jeremy would even want to go to Lot 61. Natalie says she doesn't care if he wants to go, but that he will because he's her boyfriend and he loves her, which is the kind of relationship maturity you might expect from a fifteen-year-old. Blah blah blah, says Natalie. Dan promises to get them in and says "woo" and raises his arms in the air and walks out, not a moment too soon for me.

Natalie flounces onto the couch and announces some changes to that nights show. Dana tells her, "I've got a gun under my desk," and Natalie, without skipping a beat, says they could leave the show the way it is. Heh. She needn't be so alarmed, since this is only the Sports Night trademark device that I like to call "We Have No Time For Transition So We'll Change the Direction of a Scene and/or Introduce a New Plot Through the Use of Non Sequiturs." Dana calls it a big "honking" gun and piece by piece reveals that it's actually a Revolutionary War musket left to her by her uncle. Natalie, very impressed, says, "Your uncle was in the Revolutionary War?" and maybe Sars would like to insert a little history lesson here. ["Easy, tiger." -- Sars] Dana can't believe this question and says, "Yes, he died just recently at the age of 241, Natalie!" which made me laugh. Natalie defensively says, "You're a little sarcastic and short-tempered for someone who hasn't been having a lot of sex lately. Oops! I think I just put my finger on the trigger." And she kind of sang the last bit. You'd think Natalie, as the Casey/Dana Love Saga go-between, would be a little more sensitive to Dana's lack of sex, but apparently the writers needed Natalie to utter one more reference to her boyfriend, love, or getting regular sex to bring her total to an even hundred for this scene. When someone talks about a relationship this much on a TV show, it can mean only one thing, and I'd like to say that the subtle foreshadowing of Natalie and Jeremy's impending breakup in this scene just about shattered the windows in my apartment.

Sam walks in and says, "Dana, let me put my finger on your trigger." Okay, he doesn't. He says, "Who's Steve Saris?" I would like to thank the crew on the MBTV Sports Night forums since I learned that Sam and Dana are married in real life. Normally, I'm against married couples appearing together on camera as unmarried potential couples, since scenes usually become in-jokey and nudge-nudge-wink-wink and stupid, but that hasn't happened with these two. Besides, as far as married actors go, we could have done a lot worse. We could have ended up with John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn. Or John Tesh and Connie Sellecca. Dana, annoyed, says, "Good morning, Sam," and Sam rather pleasantly says, "Good morning." Dana explains that it's nice to open conversations with the exchange of greetings such as "good morning," which confuses Sam since he thought they just did that. Anyway, Natalie explains that Steve's "not going to light the world on fire, but he's good." Pyromaniacal tendencies aside, Sam's not impressed with words like "good" and "solid" and "professional," and I guess he thinks it's a damning-with-faint-praise kind of thing. I can't believe that Sam the so-called ratings consultant hasn't thought of putting Kim on camera. Dana says Steve's an understudy who just has to keep the curtain up and that he'll be fine. Sam points out that "fine" similarly "always sets my toes a-tapping." Dana tells him to "leave now," and he does.

Dana asks Natalie what she should do with the musket since she doesn't want it, and for emphasis she yanks out her membership card in the Empire Racquet Club. Wrong card! Wocka wocka! Dana explains she's a dues-paying member of the Anti-Handgun Coalition, so she's morally opposed to the musket. Well, everyone knows that if muskets are outlawed, only outlaws will have muskets. Natalie leaves, ostensibly to do some work, while Dana continues to look consternated about the musket and sift through about nine hundred cards in her purse.

Natalie skips into the production room where Jeremy is busy with something, probably under the unlikely assumption that someone around this Melrose Place of a sports show should actually get some work done. Natalie's excited to tell Jeremy that they're on the list for Lot 61 that night. Jeremy is somewhat less than enthused. Wind out of her sails, Natalie says, "I knew you'd be this way." Jeremy denies being any way at all. His alternative to "Area 51" after tonight's show is to go home, order Chinese food, and watch Conan. Or Kilborn, he's flexible. It is now Natalie's turn to look less than enthused about that particular Jeremy Goodwin Thrill Ride. Natalie tells Jeremy that Dan had to pull a lot of strings, though I think more accurately it's Kim who's going to be pulling a whole lot of something. Jeremy still isn't thrilled, and Natalie's voice ratchets up a couple of octaves: "Jeremy, it's going to be great!" Jeremy goes into a stand-up act about how it's going to be a bunch of wannabe hipsters trying to look cool while simultaneously trying to spot Skeet Ulrich. ["Hes right." -- Sars] Eventually Natalie just tells him he doesn't have to go, which makes Jeremy throw up his hands and say he'll go. Yay, reverse psychology! Blah blah she says he's not happy about it, and Jeremy concedes that he's not but he'll go anyway, because he's tired of having this fight with Natalie. He leaves to take a tape to graphics and asks if there's anything else. Natalie says "no" and watches him go. Uh-oh! I sense trouble!

Dan and Casey are in their office waiting for their scene to start, and when it does, Dan says, "I'm outta here!" and Casey pleads with him not to go yet, since he gave him the day off. Dan says it's his day off because "you're going scarf-shopping and Kim's getting boinked in a Parkview suite." Nice. Casey reveals he doesn't like being left alone with Steve. How old is Casey, anyway? Casey says Steve is a little morose, a little sombre. Dan correctly points out that "those are adjectives that wouldn't be out of place describing you there, Chuckles," and puts on this wicked grey toque. Coupled with his all-black outfit, it looks like he's getting ready to knock off a bank. In walks Steve, out walks Dan. Steve's huge! He wants to know if he's late, but he's right on time. Casey starts telling him all he needs to know, but Steve isn't really listening. Casey asks if something's wrong. Steve says he thinks his girlfriend Felicia is breaking up with him and that she's going to do it while he's on air. Steve sits down and almost starts crying while Casey's face clearly has an "oh shit" expression. Casey slowly looks back over his shoulder, maybe to look for Dan or something. Then the camera moves to a crane shot from up above as Casey lifts his fists and shouts, "DANNY!" to the skies in the wind and the thunder and the rain. Commercials.

Coming back, Sports Night is live and Steve teases the top stories. He ends the intro with "all that coming up after this. You're watching Sports Night on CSC," and he's doing fine, but then he says, "And this one goes out to you, Felicia," and we get a hundred shots of stunned reactions from Casey and the Tertiary Characters. Natalie barks, "Casey!" into her mike and Casey says, "I got it." Casey tells Steve that they don't generally dedicate a show, conveniently forgetting his own little shout-out to Danny's dad two weeks ago. Steve says he's sorry but he loves her and he's got to get her back. Casey excuses himself from the desk and storms into the control room looking for Dana, who went back to her office, according to Natalie. Casey has to hustle back to the desk and the camera still catches him settling into his chair and he begins, "We commence with our top story . . ." and I must say the writing for Dan and Casey's little show really sizzles.