The Sweet Smell Of Air

This episode opens with the "five minutes to air" warning and Dan and Casey are getting ready, and Dan announces he has some good news: "From now on, Im not Dan, Im not Danny, Im Daniel." Okay, stop it right there. I hope I didnt just hear I think I heard. Dan is now Daniel? We get some long-winded explanation about how when Dan joined the union, there already was a Daniel Rydell, but that guy has since died, and Dan shows a little too much glee about finally being able to inherit the "Daniel." I mean, I agree that its extremely special and all to be called Daniel, but I find it hard to believe that this union has some rule against having two or more people with the same name. ["The Screen Actors Guild does, but I dont know whether a broadcaster would belong to that union." -- Sars] Second of all, has Dan considered all the ramifications of the name change? Im sure as Dan or Danny he has been saddled with a variety of nicknames, including, but not limited to: Danny Boy, Dano (as in, "Book em, Dano"), Danny Bonaduce, Dan the Man, occasionally Dan the Man with the Plan, and once, bizarrely, Dan the Man with the Plan on the Street with the Beat and I still dont even know what the hell that was supposed to mean. I cant even count the number of times someone has started singing to me, "Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling," and then cracked up as if they are the first person in history to think of something so clever. Even the name "Daniel" isnt immune to nickname-ification, since you constantly are subjected to horrifying Pat Morita impressions by people calling you "Daniel-san," as if comparing me to Ralph Macchio will endear you to me.

Anyway. Danny repeats again, "Im Daniel," and I have to say that obviously the Sports Night writers are now checking out Mighty Big TV and this is a big shout-out to me from ABC. The Anchor Twins greet Jeremy, who is getting off the phone, and Dan tells Jeremy, "Im Daniel now," like welcome to my world, Dan, and Jeremy says he was on the phone with some woman whose name he cant remember now, which is weird, but then we realize its a contrived setup so Dan can say, "Was it Daniel?" No, it wasnt me calling to announce my displeasure at this subplot that might be an attempt to fight back against MBTV, like GOOD LUCK. You guys dont scare me. Jeremy says it was a publicist at a cosmetics company that is promising them "five minutes with MJ." Five minutes with Moose Jaw? Now I KNOW this episode is a big ol shout-out to me. But no, for the purposes of this episode, MJ apparently stands for Michael Jordan, so lets all suspend our disbelief that either "Sports Night" the SportsCenter wannabes or Sports Night the ABC show carry enough clout to earn a guest spot from Michael Jordan. Anyway, the fact that it was a publicist from a cosmetics company finally sets off some alarm bells, and Dan figures out that Jordan has a new cologne coming out. The Anchors decide they dont care and theyre happy Jordan called them, except Dan doesnt think Casey looks especially happy, and Casey says he is, just that he has some concerns.

Now the boys are coming up on Natalie in the corridor and Dan puts his arm around her and asks her what she thinks of "Daniel Rydell," and I really wish Sports Night would drop this already. Natalie asks him if hes starting to refer to himself in the third person, which she thinks is "awfully annoying," and I agree, and Natalie also thinks its annoying when people change their pronunciation "midstream," like when "Tony DOR-sett" becomes "Tony Dor-SETT." What I think is a lot more common is journalists who make assumptions about pronunciation and spelling (not just sports journalists, though) and dont bother to double-check names, and therefore incorrect names become common usage and really difficult to correct. Exhibit A: Hakeem Olajuwon, who for the longest time was "Akeem" Olajuwon, basically because he was too polite to correct anyone. Or Dominik Hasek, which was pronounced "Hah-sick" initially and suddenly became "Hah-shick" when someone probably guessed that maybe this Czech name wasnt pronounced exactly the way its spelled. Anyway, really bizarrely, Natalie goes off on Prince for not being content to be called by one "pretentious" name in a lifetime, now she has to learn to "draw the symbol for boron." Okay: 1) She better not be going off on my man Prince. 2) Let me check the copyright date on the album that introduced the Symbol to the world. Hmmmm. 1992. Isnt that interesting. EIGHT YEARS AGO. Get over it, Natalie. Besides, everyone knows he is now known as simply The Artist. 3) Maybe Natalie would like to explain just how often a sports show producer needs to draw the symbol for Prince. 4) You know whats worse than referring to oneself in the third person and changing the pronunciation of ones name? How about frustrated stand-up comics working material into whatever show they happen to be writing for to pay the rent, especially when its such stale, dated, irrelevant-to-the-show, and, worst of all, UNFUNNY material. 5) Natalie appears to have some boron up her ass for no reason I can tell, except maybe that she never gets any good plots anymore. 6) Shut up, Natalie.

Just when Im about to give up on this episode, we learn that Sam Donovan is coming in tonight, which isnt a surprise, since we saw William H. Macy in the "coming up" scenes from last week, but still, cool! Casey likes Sam because "he drives Dana crazy." Danny asks Casey what his concerns were that he mentioned earlier. Casey says that he has to go to Charlies class to make a presentation, only he says it "pree-sentation" but no one in the audience would notice since everybody is at this point saying, uncomprehendingly, "Char . . . lie?" before remembering, "Oh yeah, Charlie, Caseys Son And Occasional Plot Device." Casey has no idea what hes going to demonstrate. Dan non-reassuringly says, "Hes ten, Casey, hes going to be mortified by you no matter what." Casey says, "Thanks, Dan," and Dan corrects him, "Daniel," and Casey tells him to shut up, which I think is ABC subtly telling me to shut up but I! Will! Not! Be! Silenced! This plotline is ridiculous. Im willing to bet there was once an ABC After-school Special about a kid who was worried about the upcoming Parent Day since his dads a janitor and doesnt have a cool job like the popular kid Charlie whose dad hosts a sports show or something. And the janitors son doesnt want to tell his dad about Parent Day because he doesnt want to be embarrassed. But the dad finds out anyway and shows up and is totally cool and all the kids love him and his son realizes he doesnt have to be ashamed of his dad. And then the janitors son gets called over for the first time in the recess game of Red Rover. If I were Casey, Id be way more worried about my kid recognizing me instead of being embarrassed by me.

In the control room, Jeremy and Natalie are talking about Jordans new cologne. Jeremy says the publicist faxed him the press kit, as if the press kit could just be faxed over and didnt also include a promotional video, still photos, and samples to win over the journalists. Just last week I received a violin case from Johnsons with a card that said, "A Symphony of Skin Care," and it contained facial cleanser, body wash, and facial wipes, and I admit the violin case impressed me, so I took it home. After playing basketball at the Y, I decided to take a bath, since I used to soak after games in high school, and I thought that body wash worked like bubble bath, so I squirted some in, and it foamed some, but not really enough for a bath, but now I had my heart set on a bath so I squirted in some Sunlight cleanser that was in the kitchen (the green "Apple Blossom" kind) and that worked fine. Im just saying that I have seen many press kits and if Jordans publicist can just fax over the press kit, Jordan needs a new publicist.

Dana comes bustling in and asks, "Is he here?" meaning Sam. Shes very tense and tells everyone to start the show, so Natalie points out theyre still ninety seconds from air. Dana doesnt care. "Start the show!" she orders, and Natalie insists they cant, and Dana concedes that she might be right. Hands up, all those who think the metamorphosis of Dana from plucky, strong-willed executive producer into spastic, scatter-brained harridan is a positive evolution. Danas worried Sam will mess with the rundown. Natalie tells Dana not to let Sam make her crazy, as if that particular ship hasnt already sailed. Dana insists shes not "letting" him, that he is doing it all by himself. Jeremy tells her about the exclusive interview with Michael Jordan, and by "exclusive interview" I mean "PR sham." "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" snaps Dana and steers the conversation back to Sam breezing in and out of various cities and always right before the show and always tweaking the top of the rundown. Natalie tells Dana Sams got her psyched out, which Dana denies, but as she denies it, she grips Daves shoulder so hard I was surprised her fingers didnt actually tear into his flesh.

Sam comes in. Woo hoo! Everyone seems happy to see him, except Dana, who says "welcome back" and "welcome back from England" in what I think was supposed to be an English accent, but sounded Irish if it sounded like anything at all, which it didnt, really. Dana makes a snide comment about the need for a ratings consultant in England "in the dog-eat-dog world of the BBC." Sam picks up a clipboard and says, "Hows the rundown?" which lights Danas fuse, and she says, "The rundowns fine," and Sam says, "It looks good," and Dana says, "What do you want to change?" all passive-aggressively. Sam says he doesnt want to change anything and Dana calls him a liar, I guess aggressive-aggressively. She accuses him of always changing the top of the rundown at the last second just to see everybody scramble. Sam says he doesnt do that, and Dana says, "Not this time, my British friend!" even though hes from Philadelphia. Sam suggests Dana is a little psyched out and that maybe Natalie should run the show, which Natalie thinks is a good idea. I think Sam and Natalie are in cahoots! Well, I dont really, but I like using the word "cahoots." Dana says shes running the show, Sams not going to change the rundown (grabbing the clipboard), and she calls Sam "King George" in a reference to crazy old King George III, as in The Madness of King George, who incidentally founded my university in 1789, so this is yet another shout-out to me and they might as well go ahead and rename tonights episode "Shout-out to Daniel the Recapper" and get it over with. Dana announces she herself is changing the rundown, even though they are thirty seconds to air. Then she says a bunch of nonsensical industry-esque jargon and everybody stares at her until she snaps, "Do it!" and chaos erupts, everybody talking at once, shouting, changing the order. Sam watches the Madness of Queen Dana with a big grin on his face. As things calm down, Dana says, "Okay, that is exactly what you wanted me to do, isnt it." Sam stares her down. Dana, suddenly unsure, says, "Go back. Go back!" and pandemonium again erupts with people barking orders again and its too bad they cant just hit command-Z to undo. Dana says to Sam, "Youre having a really good time, arent you?" Sam says, "Yes. Its good to be back," and he leaves the control room, smiling. There is something I love about William H. Macy, and its that he KICKS ASS.

, Casey is still wondering what to do for Charlies class and thinks that hes good with his hands, so maybe he could build something. Dan points out that Casey is not in fact good with his hands. Blah blah blah for awhile. Danny suggests making a loaf of bread, but Casey doesnt know how, so Dan tells him to fake it: "You sprinkle some flour, you pound some dough, hey, look over there! you pull a loaf of Wonder out from under the desk." Dan is the least helpful friend in the history of friendship. And in the history of helping. I have a new name for him, and it rhymes with boron.

Dan and Casey enter the production meeting, where Jeremy is already engaged in the "Jeremy Rattles Off Some Useless Info" portion of tonights episode, and hes reading the description of Jordans new cologne, which I wont bother to transcribe. "They know were a sports show, right?" Dana suggests preparing some questions. Dan: "When you were growing up in North Carolina, did you ever just breathe the air and think, Im going to bottle this and make 250 million dollars?" Dana says she means basketball questions. Natalie, reading further ahead in the press kit, says that there arent going to be any basketball questions. Turns out the publicist accidentally faxed over a sheet of tips on how to keep the interview on the subject of cologne. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os! "We must be cautious or the media will spin the interview onto an entirely different topic -- sports -- and ignore our product. Lets do our best to steer the conversation back to cologne," reads Dana. Then she asks, "Were going to be talking about cologne for five minutes?" Casey and Dan assure her it will be fine. "Were interviewers, Dana, we conduct the interview," says Dan. "Do you think were going to be outfoxed by Michael Jordan?" Dana thinks they will. Dan insists, "We have media skills we can utilize. [To Casey] Right?" "Sure," says Casey. "Really?" says Dan. Hell, you guys were outfoxed by the Cut Man, so Im not all that confident. Sam pipes up, "Forget basketball," and says to let Jordan talk about whatever he wants since the interview is worth 2.5 share points. "Well tally-ho, Sam," says Dana. "I didnt know you were with us." Sam says hes there to help if they need him. Dana tells him they dont. "Too late," says Sam, standing up and taking charge. Did I mention William H. Macy kicks ass? Because he does. Sam suggests setting up a practice interview with someone pretending to be Jordan and trying to throw off Dan and Casey. "A practice interview?" sneers Dana. "You honestly think thats going to help?" "Yes," says Sam. "Dont you?" Dana pauses, and admits she does as well. Silence in the room as everybody contemplates the idea of Dana agreeing with Sam. She dismisses the gang and everyone gets up to go, but Casey explains about the pree-sentation to Charlies class and "as it turns out, I really have no demonstrable skills." The rest of the crew struggles to remember who this Charlie person is, and Id like to point out that earlier Casey said the pree-sentation was in a few hours, but here hes saying its tomorrow, and I dont think thats an insignificant detail since it touched off a supposedly comic exchange between Dan and Casey about whether Casey could learn to do something in three hours. Anyway, Casey asks everyone for suggestions. Dana says, "Well, your head is a perfect rectangle, maybe thatll impress the kids," which had me laughing well into the scene. The best part is, its true! Heh. Rectangle. Everybody laughs at Casey as they leave the meeting, like thanks for all the suggestions, assholes.

Isaac is reading a magazine as Dana comes into his office. Hes reading about the colonization of space with bio-engineered animals like squid that will propel themselves with space fuel and will be comparable to horses and mules in the settling of the West. Dana really isnt interested in this at all and is trying to tell Isaac about the problem with the Jordan interview. "I can see myself out there, sitting alone by the fire, a space squid my only companion," says Isaac. Finally, he lets Dana talk about Jordan; he already knows that theyll want to talk about cologne. Dana wants to know if they should book the interview, knowing that Jordans been coached to bring the conversation back to cologne. "Absolutely," says Isaac. Dana is surprised. "Michaels Michael, let him talk about what he wants," says Isaac, and Dana is aghast at the threat to the integrity of her little sports show and complains about running a five-minute infomercial. "You know," says Isaac, "just ten years ago, it would have been hard to imagine a black man selling cologne." And I think maybe his time frame is a little off there, I mean 100, 50, even 30 years ago, sure, but in 1990 Jordan was already a pretty savvy businessman so Isaacs likening of Michael Jordan to the Rosa Parks or Jackie Robinson OF COLOGNE was kind of upsetting, especially when it comes from Isaac, and especially when you consider how he went off on Dan for Dans laughable comparison of himself to Rosa Parks in the very first episode. Dana calls him on it and says, "Im not sure its a huge step forward." Isaac says, "Ill take any step forward." Dana, defeated, starts to leave, but Isaac starts in on the article again: "Theyre talking about bio-engineering animals and terraforming Mars. When I started reporting Gemini missions, just watching a Titan rocket lift off was a sight to see. Now theyre going to colonize the solar system." Dana asks if hes obsessing about this. Isaac says yes. Dana asks why. Quietly, Isaac says, "Because I wont be alive to see it." This gives Dana pause and she says, "Okay," and leaves. Isaac goes back to reading his magazine and looking at the pictures, but truthfully the screen started to get a little blurry and I was having trouble seeing straight as we went to commercial. More Isaac, please.

Back in the Boys office, Casey is getting his coat on and saying "here I go" for all the viewers who dont grasp the subtle connotations of a character getting up and going over to the coat rack and putting on his coat. Dan asks him what hes got for the class. Casey launches into a whole lot of blah-blah about a whole lot of supposedly interesting things, but Dan isnt buying it and browbeats Casey into revealing a loaf of crusty bread wrapped in a dishtowel. Casey says a loaf of Wonderbread would have been ridiculous, that the kids would have seen right through that. Oh, but this bread is unsliced, so itll undoubtedly fool this class of apparently brain-dead ten-year-olds. I dare you to try it, you rectangular pinhead. Dan is trying not to laugh and says, "Youll be fine." Casey says, "I am killing my child." Well, at least you wont have to make any more pree-sentations. As Caseys leaving, Dan says, "You know who looks good today? Sally." Casey, not picking up on that, says, "See you later," and walks halfway out of the building before stopping and coming back to the office. "What did you say?" Danny looks up from his work with a surprised look on his face. Casey starts giving him the business, "Why did you say that?" and "you dont like Sally," and Dan says, "Because she does," and "I kinda do." Casey says he cant because "my life is very confusing right now, sos yours, and you cant like Sally." On the one hand, its kind of rotten for Dan to even consider thinking along those lines, but on the other, Casey should act older than his alleged ten-year-old son. They back-and-forth a little bit, Casey a little flustered, Dan trying to play down what he said. Dan should tell Casey he only brought up Sally to prepare the audience for a later scene with her, since this is what Sports Night does in lieu of "previously on Sports Night" scenes at the top of the show to bring viewers up to speed. Casey says he has to go fake bread now and Dan says its all about misdirection. Whatever. End this scene now.