The Cut Man Cometh

This episode starts with Casey on air saying, "With his superior reach and much-ballyhooed punching power, Willis has been the second-best light heavyweight in the world over the last two years. Tomorrow night, could he become the best? Mike Greenwey is live," and they throw to Greenwey live at Ballys Park Palace in Atlantic City. Explain to me please why Greenwey needs to report live before the fight. And please explain to me how CSC landed the rights to broadcast this fight live, instead of forcing boxing fans to pay $79.95 for pay-per-view. Anyway, we move to shots of various production people bustling or sitting around the control room.

Now that Casey and Dan are off air, they start throwing punches at each other and quizzing each other on which types of punches theyre throwing. Casey throws nothing but left jabs, except Dan still cant figure out the pattern and dodge and find an opening until finally Casey tags him with a right. Then Casey says, "Lull you to sleep with the left jab, knock you out with the crushing right." Dan is making this "yeah, yeah" face, probably because Casey is an expert at lulling people to sleep. Then they put their dukes up again, and I know most women would roll their eyes at this scene, but it seemed real to me -- it reminded me of when I was about ten and my friends and I went to see Rocky IV and we were all pumped at the surprise ending (SPOILER -- Rocky beats all odds to win) and so we gleefully beat the crap out of each other in the parking lot and I broke my friend Logans nose. Good times, good times. Then again, we were ten. Anyway, we learn that Casey was once knocked out by a haymaker from Stevie Green in the third grade. Let it go, Casey. Dan cant believe Casey got a fat lip from a haymaker, since he should have seen it coming. Casey claims Stevie kicked him, too. In the mouth? Did he say Stevie Green or little Stevie Seagal? This scene is annoying because last week the editing of the "coming up week" scenes totally left the impression that Casey accidentally clocks Dan. Sadly, this doesnt happen.

Meanwhile, in the control room, Dana and Natalie finally decide to take a time-out from making non-stop "men!" faces and start delivering lines. Natalie starts nattering on at Dan, asking him if hes seen the schedule she put on his desk, and Dan says he hasnt but hell look at it. Natalie starts telling him whats on the schedule, while Dan keeps promising to look at it. This goes on almost interminably until Dan says, "Natalie?" "Yeah?" "Theres a schedule on my desk?" "Yeah." "Ill look at it," and Natalie says, "Thank you," only she kind of sounded like Apu on The Simpsons when he says, "Thank you! Come again!" Then Dan says, "That girl generates a lot of paperwork," even though he obviously doesnt want her to just tell him whats on the schedule. Natalie tells him she heard that, so he repeats it for some reason, then adds, "Maybe too much," while making a full-body "little too much" gesture. Dana asks Natalie if theyre "there" and Natalie affirms that they are. Dana says, "These guys know everything theyre supposed to know, theyre going to be hot tomorrow night?" Natalie says, "Sure." Dana says, "Im asking, are they ready?" Oh, we missed that the first two times you asked it. Natalie says, "If theyre not, they only have themselves to blame." Nice team spirit, Natalie. Dana quite rightly says, "That may be so, but I have you to blame, so make sure they are in gear." Casey and Dan are currently trying to figure who knows more about boxing than they do, and they determine that only boxers, boxing experts, and boxing fans do. Which is great, except it means they expect boxing fans with more knowledge to tune in and watch their coverage. Casey is making rah-rah positive-attitude statements like "We are going to nail this!" and "We are going to stick the landing!" while Dan ignores him. Casey says they are "game-day players" even though its not game day. Then he gets a paper cut. I wish I were making that up, because how lame is that? Dan asks, with way more concern than is necessary, "You all right?" and Casey promises to "play through it" and Dan says okay, and Casey says, "I play with pain!" over-dramatically, and it was actually funny. Sports Night plays its Comedic Moment music and Dana and Natalie look at each other with their respective "men and their shenanigans!" faces. Natalie is indulgently smiling, while Dana is all dour and looks like someone pissed in her Dating Plan cornflakes. Commercials.

The day, Dan is meeting his dad, who is played by none other than Peter Riegert, who played Boone in Animal House, my all-time favourite movie (actually, my all-time favourite movie switches among Animal House, Slap Shot, Die Hard, and The Battleship Potemkin. It depends what kind of mood Im in). Danny and his dad hug and make small talk about traffic and stuff, Danny a little more animatedly than his dad. Danny says theyve ordered pizza and wants to know if his dad can stay awhile. Mr. Rydell makes an "ehh" face and explains that hes "double-parked down there." Dan says okay and then takes his dad on a tour, because his dad hasnt been there since they moved into the new studio, or something. Mr. Rydell is showing no interest or emotion whatsoever. Dan crows about how the new place is twice as big as the old place. Then Danny says that normally there wouldnt be so many people there, but its for the special coverage. I dont know that therere more people then normal, especially since the extras are doing a better job of staying away from the camera this week, in stark contrast to the Berlin-Wall-coming-down-esque crowds in last weeks episode. Mr. Rydell asks, "What special coverage?" Dan says, "The fight! Dad! Come on," and Mr. Rydell makes "right, right" noises and apologizes. Dan starts explaining what a big deal the fight is and says, "Its an expensive match and its the kind of thing that" and he trails off, forgetting the rest of his line. Then he goes on, "Our ratings are tracking right now at 4.1, thats like twice our normal numbers. Thats like 4.5 million households, Dad." And Mr. Rydell is looking all over the place and barely paying attention. They arrive in Dans office and Dan starts playing with a baseball. "4.5 million isnt that many, is it?" asks Mr. Rydell. Ouch. "Its not for cable," says Dan. "Dont the big shows get about 20 million?" says Dans dad, all up on the Nielsen ratings. "Those shows are on cable," says Danny. Mr. Rydell thought they were on cable, and Danny explains, "Thats cable access, its something different." And Mr. Rydell nods, but his eyes say, "Okay, whatever." Can anybody tell me if that Raging Bull poster was up in Dans office before this boxing-themed episode?

Anyway. Dans dad repeats what he said before about being double-parked downstairs. Danny goes over to his desk and gets an envelope with some tickets that will get his dad into "everything" like the pre-fight party and the post-fight party where, "if you want, you can watch me on television." As if. Mr. Rydell complains -- get this -- that the seats are too close. Theyre ringside. "I dont need to sit that close," says Mr. Rydell. But hes complaining, not because Dan shouldnt have gone to all the trouble, but because "I dont need to go strutting around and showing off like Im a big shot." Yeah, you sure look the type, Mr. Rydell. I bet youd really stand out ringside at a boxing match, all frowny-faced. Dan says its not showing off, those are just the seats they gave him because hes a "fairly important person in sports tonight." I feel for Danny -- he thought his dad would be excited, and instead his dad is Boone from Animal House. Mr. Rydell wonders if the tickets can be traded. Danny laughs, "Yeah, sure, well see if we can scare up somebody who wants to sit ringside," and Mr. Rydell squashes him instantly by saying, "Danny. You dont have to get smart-ass with me." Danny, all serious, says, "I wasnt, Dad." Yes, you were, Danny, but its okay; your dad is Boone from Animal House. Finally, Mr. Rydell thanks his son for the great tickets, and just when you think the two of them might have a touching father-son moment, Mr. Rydell says, "You shouldnt wear your hair so short, youre starting to look a little bit gay." I think that was supposed to be sad, not funny, but I laughed in spite of myself, one of those snort-laughs you do when youre trying to hold it in, as if you were at the funeral of a math teacher you hated. Dan thanks his dad for the fashion tip. Mr. Rydell says hes double-parked, which is news to Dan and me and the viewing audience. This is Mr. Rydells way of saying he has to go, so Danny says, "Okay," and his dad leaves and Deflated Danny watches him go for about ten minutes. Maybe to win his dads love, Dan could write him poems and stalk him in all his classes and just basically carpe diem a little bit more.

In a production meeting, Dana is explaining to Isaac that theyll be fine if the fight lasts at least eight rounds, but less than that and Dan and Casey will have to fill. I wonder if Dan and Casey are aware of how little faith Dana has in them, unlike Isaac, who is confient they can fill. Dana says Isaac is pretty casual about it. Isaac says he trusts Dan and Casey. Dana says while hes busy trusting the dynamic duo, shell be doing her job, which from what I can tell consists of bringing everybody down with her pessimistic doomsday demeanour. Jeremy comes in to inform her that "Tim Turner [whoever that is] is sick and cant work tonight." "Hes sick?" double-checks Dana. "Yes," says Jeremy. "How sick?" queries Dana. Wait for it, wait for it "Sick enough that he cant work tonight." Booyah! This show doesnt need a laugh track, it needs a rim-shot track. Dana wants to know who the replacement is, and Jeremy says, "A guy Ive never heard of, which is saying something," instead of just answering the damn question already, and Dana asks if he has a name and Jeremy says "yes" and Dana asks what it is and Jeremy says, "Who cares, I havent heard of him," and no wonder Dana is so tightly-wound, having to put up with this kind of idiocy. Dana gives him a pointed "Jeremy" with the unspoken implication being, "Jeremy, tell me who the replacement is or Ill rip off your scrotum," and Jeremy hastily says, "Chuck Kimmel," which elicits laughter from Isaac and Natalie and stunned surprise from Dana. Jeremy wants to know who Chuck Kimmel is, and Dana says, "The Cut Man," and everybody says, "The Cut Man," and Jeremy explains that Kimmel was already in Atlantic City. Dana guesses that Kimmel was drunk in front of the slots. Hey, everybody needs a hobby, Dana. For you, its driving away the guy who loves you; for Chuck Kimmel, its drinking and gambling.

Anyway, we learn that the Cut Man claims to have been a corner man for Rocky Marciano, which Dana doubts. Isaac says to Jeremy, "He gave himself the name Cut Man," and Jeremy is outraged because "you cant give yourself a name!" and hes absolutely right, and Isaac agrees. Dana tries to move on, but Isaac says, "You dont think Id like to be called The Hammer?" Dana, watching control of the meeting slip away from her, says, "Isaac," and Isaac explains that he would in fact like to be known as "The Hammer." "You know why Im not?" he asks. Dana takes a wild stab with, "You cant give yourself a nickname," and Isaac repeats that, and adds that its taken. Hes talking about Hank Aaron, but I think of him as "Hammerin" Hank Aaron, and when I hear "The Hammer" I think of Dave "The Hammer" Shultz, one of the Philadelphia Flyers Broad Street Bullies in the 70s. But thats neither here nor there, and Dana would agree with me, because she holds up a sheet of paper trying to move the meeting along and says, "The supplemental rundown," but the meeting is out of control now. Natalie suggests that Isaac could be another tool. Isaac asks, "Like what?" Natalie says, "Philips-head screwdriver?" Thanks for coming out, Natalie. "Pliers!" she tries again, which Isaac seems to like. Wearily, Dana suggests they take a break and try again in half an hour. She sends Jeremy to talk to Kimmel and Natalie to make sure Dan and Casey are doing what theyre supposed to be doing. Natalie leaves after suggesting "The Hammer" and then remembering its already taken. THANKS FOR COMING OUT, NATALIE. As Dana goes, Isaac tells her he needs her "best show." Dana snappishly says, "What does that mean?" Isaac, without looking up, says, "Whatevers bothering you, leave it outside." I guess that would mean Dan has to do the show without Casey. Im glad to see Isaac out and about more with the crew; Id like to take back what I said his turning into Yoda, and Ive never been more happy to be wrong. In deference to Isaac, I will refer to him as "The Hammer" for the remainder of the recap.

Dan and Casey, despite Danas lack of faith, are watching fights and working on commentary. Casey asks when Dannys dad is coming. Dan says he came already, and Casey says hes sorry he missed him. "He psyched about the fight?" asks Casey. "Yeah," says Dan. "Psyched you covering the fight?" asks Casey. Dan kind of laugh-says "yeah" in a what-are-you-kidding-me way. "Hes a huge fight fan, so me covering this fight, its like he can die happy now." Danny does a good job here of covering up his Hidden Sadness about his dad not giving a shit about anything except his sons gay haircut. Jeremy comes in with a book he calls "maybe the most important piece of boxing writing ever done." Casey says, "What with all the important pieces of boxing writing to choose from," stealing my line. "The Marquis of Queensbury Rules," says Jeremy, pronouncing it "Mar-kees," which Casey corrects, "Mark-kee," and Jeremy maintains "-kees." Casey says, "Really?" like how often is Jeremy wrong about stupid stuff like this, Casey? Casey suggests that maybe its Marquez, and Id like to think Casey is thinking of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, but I dont give him that much credit, unless he thinks One Hundred Years Of Solitude is a classic meta-narrative about Danas Dating Plan. The Rules arent written by the Marquis of Queensbury, but someone named John Graham Chambers, a fact Jeremy calls one of the great mysteries of our time. Dan says, "Thatll keep me up at night," and that was funny. Jeremy says, "Read the book before tonight." Nice last-minute cramming instructions, Jeremy. Casey asks Dan, "You know how many rules there are in boxing?" Dan authoritatively says, "Twelve," and hes right. He adds that its not the most complicated sport in the world. Casey says, "Its not complicated but its complex." Whatever, Howard Cosell. After a slight pause, we get a close-up on Danny and the synthesized strings come up. Oh boy, here we go. "You know," he says, "my father and I used to have this thing where wed watch boxing. Hed sit in his chair, Id sit on the floor to him." "You didnt have a chair?" asks Casey. "No," says Danny. "What about your moms chair?" asks Casey, quickly zeroing in on the least important thing in the story. "This wasnt All In The Family, Casey, there was a chair and there was a couch," says Danny. Casey wants to know, "Why wouldnt you sit on the couch?" Would you shut up for two minutes and let Dan tell the damn story? Dan ignores the couch question and says, "I had a root beer. I had a root beer and he had regular beer and we both had em in mugs," and a light bulb goes off over Caseys head: "You didnt want to sit on the sofa because you might spill the root beer." Mystery solved -- will you let him get on with it? Dan says, fondly remembering happier times with his dad, "I was little then, you know, the root beer was" and he trails off, forgetting another line. Casey, finally displaying a flicker of recognition that maybe Dan is a little bummed about something, says, "Anyway, its great you made him happy tonight." Dan says, "Yeah! Psyched," with the sad music playing and we fade to commercials.

Jeremy is reading from script as we come back: "Before beginning real work, every man should take mild doses of physic to work on the bowels." Casey says, "What?" Jeremy explains its from Professor Michael J. Donovan blah blah blah some sort of boxing champion blah blah blah essay on fight preparation considered the gold standard blah blah blah blah, and all I really want to know is if Jeremy can come up with any post-19th-century boxing information. Jeremy reads the "mild doses of physic" line again, suggesting that Casey could work it into the post-fight interview. Yeah, nothing like asking a guy about his bowels on live television. Casey ignores him. "Hey, elucidate is spelled with two ls, right?" asks Casey, like get a damn dictionary, Casey, and like it even makes a difference since youre not a print journalist. Jeremy corrects his spelling. Moving on . . . Jeremy tells Casey that Chuck Kimmel is filling in tonight and that Casey is supposed to call him "Cut Man," which Casey refuses to do. "He trained Rocky Marciano," says Jeremy. "Yeah, and I made sweet love to Ava Gardner in Paris," says Casey. Was that part of the Dating Plan? Natalie comes in and we get this annoying dialogue confusion about Ava Gardner, Eva Gabor, and Zsa Zsa Gabor which I wont bother to transcribe because IT HAS NO POINT. Natalie needs to talk to Casey. Jeremy continues to read from the "gold standard" essay: "When you return to your quarters, strip in a room free of drafts and let two men rub you gently with soft Turkish towels." Maybe Dannys dad should check out Jeremys haircut. He continues, "Then they should rub you with coarser towels to quicken the circulation and harden the skin," which I wont even touch. Natalie boots him out of Caseys office.

Casey wants to know whats on Natalies mind. "You cant just do this, Casey," she says. "If youre breaking up with her, break up with her." "Natalie," says Casey. "Casey," says Natalie. Casey points out, rightfully, that he was never going out with her. Natalie says, "You know what Im talking about." Casey says, "No, I dont know what youre talking about, Natalie, I honestly dont. I never went out with her, not once, and hardly for lack of trying, so I dont think I do need to break up with her and I dont think I need either one of you telling me whats good for me anymore." Yeah! Natalie says, "So youre breaking up with me now?" Casey smiles, and says something about how theyve all behaved ridiculously and that hes moving on. This part was kind of like that scene in Die Hard when the terrorists bring the hostages up to the roof, ostensibly to let them go, but Bruce Willis knows its a trap and that Alan Rickman is planning to blow up the roof, and so he goes up there to get the hostages to go back inside but theyre much too scared to listen to him, so he shoots his gun in the air to scare them back down and they start going, but now the FBI guys in the helicopter think Willis is a bad guy so they start shooting at him. So now Bruce Willis has no way down, and he ties the firehose around his waist and jumps off the roof just as Alan Rickman blows it up, taking the FBI guys with it. Okay, so maybe this scene was nothing like Die Hard, but sometimes when Im bored watching television I like to picture the characters jumping out of the way as stuff blows up. Also, they should yell, "Nooooo!"

Showtime! We see the crew saying various crew-type things while this music, not unlike the theme song to L.A. Law, plays. They go live. "Good evening from New York City," says Dan. "Im Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall for this special CSC presentation. Rivera. Willis. The Battle by the Boardwalk." For such a special presentation, Casey might want to consider turning up his excitement level a notch. "Twelve-round bout for the light heavyweight championship of the world." Casey chips in, "Dans talking about the whole world. Asia, everybody." What? What is THAT? "Asia, everybody"? That was really bizarre. More intro, then they throw to Chuck Kimmel live at ringside; Kimmel is an older bald guy with tinted glasses, scratching his head. "Chuck?" says Casey a couple of times with no response until Dana snaps her fingers at Natalie who says, "Casey!" into her mic and Casey says, "Cut Man!" Way to stand your ground. Cut Man starts rambling on about $3.99 breakfasts, loose slots, and terrific showgirls. Dana says, "Oh. My. God." Jeremy says "No, Ive been there, its true," prompting looks from Dana and Natalie. Casey asks Cut Man for a prediction. "Well, when it comes to the sweet science," says Cut Man, "Im not much on predictions, Casey, but I will say this -- one of these fighters is going to win this bout tonight and the other will almost surely not." "Cut Man, going out on a limb," says Dan. Casey asks, "How many rounds?" to which Cut Man replies, "Twelve rounds in the bout, Casey." Dan makes a face. Casey clarifies the question, and Cut Man predicts that the fight will go the distance. Then he calls Dan "Casey," and he says something about being just a "stones throw down the boardwalk from where a new Miss America was crowned just a few months ago. Miss Rochester, I believe it was." Dan mumbles something about checking into that. Casey gets into it with Cut Man about how the Miss America contestants represent each of the fifty states and Rochester is not a state. Cut Man laughs and corrects Casey, saying there are fifty-two states including Hawaii and Rhode Island, "though Im no college perfesser, you see." Dan says, "Thats almost hard to believe!" and Cut Man calls Dan "Casey" again. This was pretty funny to watch, but if I were a boxing fan looking for pre-fight analysis, I might be pretty annoyed. What the hell happened to Mike Greenwey, anyway? Or is he only a "live report the night BEFORE an actual event" guy?