Commendatori

Who else is excited? March 4th, baby!

We open on a close-up of the FBI warning that appears at the beginning of every videotape. Apparently, there are severe penalties for unauthorized reproduction. I should probably plead the fifth here, but I'm forced to confess that I'm doing this recap from a borrowed tape. Please don't put me in jail. I don't think I'd handle it as well as Richie (that'll be funnier somewhere on page two).

Anyway, the gang is all gathered at the Bada Bing, apparently to watch a movie, since they've got theater-style seats set up in Tony's office. Tony doesn't want to watch whatever it is again, however, and we learn that not only is it The Godfather, but it's the DVD version with "the alternate takes and shit." They can't get the disc to work, though, and as Pussy and Christopher fuss with it, there's some discussion of everyone's favorite scene. Paulie likes the one where Michael realizes Fredo betrayed him, and sets up the episode's ironic tone by asking Tony when he's going to see Uncle Junior again. Get it? Cuz nothing's funnier than family betrayal. Except maybe incest. (What!? Rent Hotel New Hampshire if you don't believe me.). They get off a slam at Paramount for their lousy DVD's, and while such a blatant meta-comment does sort of rip you out of the story, it is true. Paramount DVDs do suck. Anyway, Tony's favorite scene is when Vito goes back to Italy. Not surprisingly, he announces that he's heading over soon as well. Paulie finally gives up on waiting for Christopher to fix the player, and proceeds to give it a "brogan adjustment," by beating it with his shoe. I had to look up "brogan." I hope this doesn't mean Paulie is smarter than I am.

Hey! It's that bridge! Actually, its the same shot of the Brooklyn bridge that every New York-based show uses to remind viewers that it's a New York based show. And in case that wasn't New Yorky enough, we get a voiceover from 1010 WINS: "You give us twenty-two minutes, and we'll give you the world." Give MBTV three pages, and we'll give you The Sopranos. Now we see a pure white-bread family driving across the bridge in their fancy new Mercedes SUV. Dad tries to work the controls, but can't quite master the technological marvel that is the climate control system. Dad also looks a little familiar. I think he's on Yes, Dear, or The Trouble with Crappy Sitcoms, or maybe even Becker, but I'm not really sure. Anyway, they get carjacked by a couple of black guys. As they drive off, we hear the family dog barking in the back. The Black Guys let the dog out and peel away. As the family calls out for the dog, he runs away too. Heh. Dad screams a racial slur that will not be repeated here.

Cut to Tony, looking at a Polaroid of the Mercedes. He's in the waiting room at Junior's doctor's office. As he goes in for the meet, the nurse asks him to help get Junior's clothes off. Somehow, I don't think that's gonna happen. Tony asks how he's doing, and Junior responds that "it hurts like the pit and the pendulum just to wipe [himself]." I don't even know what that means, but it sounds painful, and it's way more than I needed to know about Junior's tell-tale colon. Anyway, Tony is there to ask about their contact in Italy, whom Junior has met. Uncle J bitches about losing the carjacking ring to Tony, then waxes nostalgic about the high times of yore. Don Vito apparently came over to America in the sixties, and they had a big party on a boat. Junior describes Don Vito as a serious man, although "he doesn't listen to opera, which is a fucking break." He also mentions that Don Vito is a distant, distant cousin, and then laments that he never had the chance to go Italy himself. Tony tells him, "It's not over yet," and leaves.

Now Meadow is the one bitching about not getting to go to Italy as she sets the table in the Soprano home. Tony tells her it's a business trip, and Meadow gives him grief for not even taking Mom. Tony tries to explain, saying "it's not worth the jet lag," but it seems that neither of the Soprano women are buying it. Meadow goes on and on about how great Italy is until Carmela, who's been seething the whole time, drops a dish on the floor and breaks it. Tony tries to apologize, for this and for canceling a trip to Bermuda last fall. He refers to football season as "our busiest month of the year," which I find funny for some reason. Finally he just gives up, and they all sulk.

So this is what a party store looks like. I'd heard of them, but never actually seen one. Anyway, Pussy and Skip (a.k.a. the FBI guy) are wandering the aisles, discussing Tony's carjacking operation. The cars are being exported to Europe. Except when Skip asks who's in charge, Pussy lies and says Ray Curto. Skip seems to buy it. Suddenly an Elvis impersonator with a handful of pink balloons yells, "Hey! Pussy!" across the store. That's weird on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. Plus, I thought Vegas was the Elvis capital and Atlantic City was all about Sinatra. Whatever. Turns out Elvis is a buddy of Pussy's (which isn't really a surprise if you know what I mean, and I think you do), and Pussy isn't pleased to be seen in the company of an undercover FBI agent. There's awkward small talk, and Elvis refers to Pussy as "the Colonel," which will be important later. Pussy introduces Skip as a "friend of ours, from Dover, Delaware." Elvis gets inappropriately excited by this, and reveals that he's from Dover, New Jersey. He asks if Skip knows where they got the name. "Uh, the cliffs?" Skip stammers. Elvis gets inappropriately disappointed at not being the King of Dover Trivia. I'm not sure if it's the character or the actor, but one of them needs Prozac, and badly. More awkward chat, and Pussy is totally rude to Elvis, who finally snaps. "Let me think. Did I ever meet any connected guys from Delaware? No. No, I don't think soso, you, Mr. Rude Cocksucker, see ya around." He leaves, and I can't help but note that he'd make a better Pesci impersonator than Elvis. He's still not as good as Christopher, though.

Pussy panics. I just want you all to know that I'm struggling mightily to not to make childish jokes every time I type his name, and I apologize in advance if one or two slip through. As for the profanity on the other hand, well, God bless HBO. Anyway, Skip tries to calm Pussy down. Sad music plays as we get a close-up of Pussy looking worried.

Fade to what I think is New Vesuvio. Carmela, Angie Bonpensiero, and Jackie Aprile's Widow (who goes unnamed, and since I'm too lazy to look it up right now we'll call her Jaws ["her name's Rosalie" -- Sars]) are having lunch. Angie gushes about how happy she is now that Pussy is back. Then she apologizes for gushing in front of Jaws, whose husband is of course dead and not coming back. "Que sera sera," replies Jaws. "Whatever will be, will be," Carmela translates helpfully, before mentioning that the singer is both handsome and blind. I thought it was Doris Day. Angie bursts into tears, and Jaws tries to console her by saying, "I'm sure he's adjusted to it." See, she means the blind guy, right? I saw that one coming before it even got off the Turnpike, and I still laughed. Angie goes off on a rant about how she really isn't happy that Pussy is back. In fact, she's feeling suicidal. When Pussy first walked in the door and yelled, "I'm home," she wanted to vomit. Also, she found a lump on her breast, and when she told Pussy, he ignored her in favor of "spraying WD-40 on his pocket knife." Huh? Unless that's a euphemism for masturbation, in which case, heh. "Benign or malignant, I'm getting a divorce," she declares, only to receive horrified looks from Carmela and Jaws.

Fade to the mandatory plane at sunset shot, followed by a few establishing shots of Italy that look like they were shot in San Diego. Tony, Paulie, and Christopher pull up at their hotel. Manly talk of the Mother Country. Christopher expresses delight that "even the skanks are worth fucking." He gives his agenda: "Hitting the topless beaches, and seeing that crater." I guess they're in Vesuvius. Although, as anyone who watched the Osmond special can attest, those are also the favorite Mormon pastimes in Salt Lake City (home of course to Crater Lake). Inside the hotel, they meet Furio Giante, which has to be one of the cooler mob names I've ever heard. Tony introduces the boys. Furio introduces his sidekick. Kisses all around. Christopher notices the sidekick has needle tracks. As they chat, Furio tells them they'll be having dinner tonight with someone named Nino. Tony wants to meet with Don Vito, and Furio tells him he may be there. The bellhop walks past and motions for them to follow, saying, "Commendatori." My Babel Fish tells me this means "knights." Paulie doesn't know what it means, but he likes the sound of it. "Like a commander. Shows respect."

A few quick cuts of Carmela spreading the gossip about Angie on the Mob Wives Phone Tree, and then we're back to Italy. Tony and Paulie wander into a banquet hall, presumably at Nino's house. Tony is worried about Christopher, who has the titanium driver Tony brought as a gift, and is nowhere to be found. At the table, Furio sits between Tony and Nino and translates. Nino wants cars. Tony's got 'em. Tony's also upset that Don Vito isn't there. When Furio explains that Nino is angered by this slight, Tony apologizes profusely. He can be very diplomatic when he wants to be. So can Furio, apparently, as he translates, "Tell him to get to the fucking point," as "Nino is happy to be at your disposal."

Tony shows a surprisingly nuanced understanding of the socio-political ramifications of ethnic conflict in the Balkans as he explains his plans to expand the car business. Paulie interrupts to say that the octopus is yummy. "You're like a fucking child, with the food and the pussy," replies Tony, and I wonder just what sort of childhood he really had. Nino wants to talk prices on the cars, and they dicker for a while (which isn't profanity, but sounds like it should be). Before things can get tense, Don Vito is wheeled in. Nino greets him and his beautiful daughter Annalisa. Tony scores points by showing great respect. The writers score points by recreating the scene from The Godfather they referenced in the opening. Vito says something about his wheelchair, and Tony leans in close to hear him. No, it's "Wilshire," as in Boulevard. He follows with "George Washington Bridge." Tony, used to this sort of thing with Livia, smiles indulgently and greets Annalisa. Everyone heads back to their seats, and Paulie, ever a paragon of class and good taste, says, "If you give this guy a golf club, he'll probably try to fuck it."

Quick shot of Christopher and the sidekick, shooting up in a hotel room. Didn't you kids see Traffic? Requiem For A Dream? Heck, they're in Italy, what about Hannibal?

Back at the dinner party, Furio runs down the family tree for Tony. Nino has been in hiding until just recently, and the Real Boss is in jail. Annalisa is also the Real Boss's wife. Meanwhile, Paulie has apparently been banished to the kids' table. He looks at a forkful of spinach with dismay, and calls the waiter over to order "macaroni and gravy." That actually sounds kind of good, but the waiter doesn't understand. One of the Italians translates: "He wants spaghetti and tomato sauce. And you thought the Germans were classless pieces of shit." Maybe he'd prefer a McRib. Alex the Stroh's Dog could pick one up for him on his way back from hitting the local Fashion Bug with Rae Dawn Chong's midget pimp.

Anyway, over at the grown-ups' table, Tony is giving a psychiatric diagnosis of Nino, saying that he has self-esteem issues. Don Vito pipes up helpfully with "Major Deegan Expressway." Tony plays along nicely with him, and I can sympathize, since my dad has something of a cartography fetish as well. My mother, on the other hand, needs two maps and a GPS tracking system just to make it out of the driveway. I guess there is a little truth to every stereotype. Annalisa, however, shatters all the Soprano spousal stereotypes by being gracious, intelligent, and most shockingly -- relatively free of make-up. Tony begins to realize that maybe she's the one in charge here.