Toodle-F***ing-Oo

We open with Tony driving at night. Hes pulling up to a street with commotion. There are police and ambulances and wandering teenagers. Kids are yelling at Tony through his windshield. He avoids them and keeps looking towards the homes. He recognizes Hunter and asks her where Meadow is. She answers, "I give up. In the house?" Tony gets out of the car, pissed as hell. Cops are arresting kids and throwing them into patrol cars. A police officer walks up to Tony. They know each other. Tony thanks him for calling him. The officer said he called as soon as he found out it was Livias house. A kid gets wheeled past on a gurney. The officer explains that the kid ODd on Special K and Ecstasy. The officer tells Tony that Meadow is fine, but shes a little drunk.

Inside the house, Tony sees more kids getting arrested. The house is a wreck. There are candles lit everywhere, since the house probably doesnt have electricity. Tony walks to the kitchen, where he finds Meadow standing over a puking girl. Meadow whines that it wasnt her fault. Tony says that if he had a nickel for every time she said that, hed have his own jet. He tells her to get in the car. He yanks her by the arm, leaving the puking girl to keep puking in a bucket.

Tony says he cant believe Meadow threw a party in her grandmothers house. Meadow sasses that Tonys the one repeating things now. Meadow smirks at her friend. Tony says that Meadows lucky that he knew the cop. "Let me guess, he owes you money?" Meadow drones. Id be so smacked for saying that.

AJ and Carmela wait in their PJs inside the house. As the car pulls up, Carmela tells AJ to get to bed. "No way, I wanna see the fight," AJ says. Carmela screams for AJ to get his "little butt" upstairs. I love these AJ years, before he was with all the booze and the cops and shit. Meadow staggers into the house and walks up the stairs, telling Carmela that they can talk about it in the morning. Carmela isnt accepting that answer and tells Meadow to get downstairs. Tony says she should sleep, and Carmela yells that she wants Meadow to answer some questions. Carmela asks if Meadow drove home that drunk. "I couldve taken Ecstasy but I didnt!" Meadow moans, and runs up the stairs. AJ yells after her, "Dont puke on the floor!" Tony tells AJ to get to bed. "She fools around with Ecstasy and you yell at me?" AJ brats. "Get up there!" Carmela screams, and AJ runs upstairs. Carmela asks Tony what Meadow had to say for herself. Tony says, "The usual." Carmela harps that there were "designer drugs" there. Tony says that he yelled. "What the fuck else was I going to do?" My parents would have made me walk home to get a beating, but thats just one suggestion. Tony stuffs men in trunks to wait for their balls to get cut off, and he doesnt have any idea how to ground a bratty teen? My dad is the Tony Soprano of parenting.

Adriana drops off "Uncle Rich." She asks if hes okay. He says he wants to walk, to see if he runs into any of the "old crowd." He gets out of the car, and Adriana drives off. Enter Richie Aprile. Hes going to be fun. He sees a corner store and starts cursing. He walks over to it. The neighborhood is bad.

Carmela gets into bed and tells Tony there have to be consequences for Meadows actions. She asks what kind of parents theyd be if they let her get away with it. "Typical?" Tony jokes. Carmela says that plenty of parents are strict these days, and they need to send a message to Meadow that she cant behave like this. Carm says she cant wait for Meadow to go off to college. Tony says thats when Carm will get empty nest syndrome and have to go on Wellbutrin like her sister. Carm says it sucks to be a parent these days. If they take away her credit card, then they have to drive her everywhere. If they ground her, then they have to stay home and watch her. Tony says if they throw her out, then Child Protective Services would just bring her back because shes not eighteen yet. Carmela doesnt think this is funny, and asks Tony if hed really throw her out. Tony says with the laws today, you cant even restrain your own kid because shed sue for child abuse. They agree that there will be consequences. Tony says, "Lets just not overplay our hand because if she finds out were powerless, were fucked." Its such a great moment, watching Tony treat Meadow like Uncle Junior.

Back at the corner store. Its some kind of restaurant. Beansie, the manager, is doing managerial things, and one of the waiters comes over and points at a corner of the store. The manager looks, gets nervous, and walks over. Richies sitting at a table. The way they always make Richie look skinny and weak is genius. They put him in horrible clothes and make him do sissy things like hold a Styrofoam cup of coffee at a funny angle at the table so he looks so defenseless. Its quite brilliant. Hes so full of potential energy. Beansie immediately starts talking to Richie, saying its good to see him, asking when he got out of prison. Richie says that Paulie told him he ran into the guy earlier. The manager is instantly all, "Honest to God. Nobody said a word." Richie tells him to shut up. The guy sits down. Richie says he did a lot of meditation in prison about things. He says that he didnt hear from him for ten years in prison. Beansie says he always asked how he was doing. Beansie starts bitching at his waiter for not giving Richie a full cup of fresh coffee. Richie says its fine. Beansie sends the kid off to bring Richie a parm sandwich. The kid puts down his pot of coffee and runs off. Richie asks if the other two stores are doing as well as this one. Beansie says that he knows Richies made, so he loses either way, and that he always respected both him and his brother Jackie, but he wont be shaken down. Richie tells Beansie that "sucking up to Tony Soprano" has done wonders for him: "I go away for a while, I come back, youre a tough guy." Beansie asks Richie not to do anything. Richie says hes only trying to take what's his. He says he gave Beansie everything he has. He says "fuck you" to the sandwich and says hell be back every Saturday. Beansie asks what he did, and says this isnt right. He says hes not going to back down, hes going to step up. Richie takes a breath, grabs the coffeepot, and slams it into Beansies head. Beansie hits the ground, and Richie gets on top of him. He punches the shit out of Beansie over and over again, asking him if hes really not going to back down. Its that first moment that we see just how violent Richie can be, and its done very well.

Soprano house. Tony and Carmela sit at the breakfast bar, drinking coffee. Tony tells Carmela to wake Meadow up so they can take care of this before Tony has to go to work. Janice walks in and says they should let Meadow sleep. She says that theyre making to big of a deal out of this Meadow thing. Carmela says they arent making a big enough deal, since Meadow was drunk. Janice says that Meadow could have done much worse. She says, "Theres a Zuni saying. For every twenty wrongs a child does, ignore nineteen." Tony: "Theres an old Italian saying, You fuck up once, you lose two teeth." Janice says this is all about ego and control. She says that they want to control a young woman who only wants to be independent. Tony tells her to go get a perm. "Im trying to watch TV!" AJ shouts from the other room.

Meadow waddles in, and Carmela starts asking for answers. "Yeah, thats right," Tony adds. Heh. Meadow doesnt say anything and keeps pouring her cereal, so Carmela says shes punished. "For what? I didnt do anything!" Meadow screams. Tony says that what Meadow did to Livias house isnt nothing. Meadow says it wasnt her fault. Hunter told a bunch of people, and they brought people. And some guy named Steve brought some kid named Adam whos bad news. Tony says that Hunters over at her own house, blaming things on Meadow. Meadow screams that theyve been under lots of pressure lately, trying to get into college, and theyve been working hard and they deserved a night. I tried this once with my parents, and it just got me more grounded so I could spend more time at home studying so I didnt feel the pressure of balancing school life and social life. Tony tells Meadow to calm down. Carmela says theres still no excuse. Tony asks who had the Ecstasy. Meadow says some guy named Adam who is a friend of Steves. Carmela asks if this is the same Steve that Meadow always hangs out with. Meadow says she doesnt see Steve anymore. Carmela asks when this happened. Meadow looks down and says, "Its painful to talk about, okay?" Heh. Meadow says she knows what she did was "not okay," and she thought about it and she thinks they should take away her Discover card. Carmela: "You better believe it." Tony: "Thats right." Meadow: "For two weeks." Tony: "Three." Meadow pouts and goes back to her food. She asks how she buys gas. Tony says she can use her allowance. Meadow says she already spent her allowance and she owes Carmela money. Carm says, "The, uh, pashmina?" She tells Meadow they can wait on that. Tony says theyll give her ten dollars cash every week until she gets her card back. Meadow walks out of the room, and only we can see her smile.

Tony meets Richie, and they hug. Tony says that Richie is all sinew. Richie calls Tony fat. Theyre happy to see each other. They sit down, and Christopher walks up. Tony introduces him to Richie. Christopher says that Jackie was like "a fucking god." Richie says hes heard a lot about Christopher. He tells Christopher not to raise a hand to his niece Adriana anymore. Christopher asks who told him he hits her. Richie asks Tony, "Is this kid getting jerky with me?" He tells Christopher he doesnt have to explain himself. He says if Christopher that if he wants to raise a hand to Adriana, then he has to give her his last name. Then its none of Richie's business. But until then, Christopher cant hit her. Christopher nods. Tony nods. Richie stares, and tells Christopher to leave so he can talk to Tony. Christopher shakes his hand and leaves. Richie says Christophers a good kid. "Capable," Tony says. Richie says he wants to get his business back on its feet. He starts talking, and Tony stands up and calls Silvio over to the table. He walks away as Richie yells at him. Silvio sits down and tells Richie that from now on, hes not to talk business with Tony, and especially not at the caf.

Jennifers out for a night with the girls. They've all had a lot to drink. They get up to leave.

In the same Italian restaurant, Paulie is telling the guys how Richie beat the shit out of Beansie. Tony says hes getting tired of Richies dual personality. The girls walk past at this point, and Silvio starts hitting on the girl in front. Tony tells him to back off. Jennifer is there at this point, and she asks Tony how hes doing. Shes acting like an old goomah of Tonys, and thats how hes playing it off. Tony keeps eating and says he cant complain. He says she looks good. Silvio tells Jennifer to bring her friends back. Tony says that the women are leaving. Jennifer says that this is her first time at the restaurant and the veal is excellent. "What, are we making small talk now?" Tony asks. Jennifer walks away. The men all look. Jennifer stops on the stairs, wiggles her fingers, and says, "Toodle-oo!" She walks off. They guys all tell Tony that Jennifers got a nice ass. "Shes got nice pipe-fitter lips," Pussy says. He then brags that he can spot a good blowjob based on a womans lips. They all goad Tony into finally telling them that Jennifer does indeed give good head, and he insists that it was a long time ago. He keeps trying to get everyone to drop the subject. Paulie holds up one hand, moves it back-and-forth, and asks, "Good?" He then uses both hands and makes vigorous head motions. "Or great?" Tony stops eating and stares at him. "Why the fuck are you busting my balls? It was a long time ago!" Paulie says he remembers every blowjob hes ever gotten. He asks Silvio if he remembers his first blowjob. Silvio says he does. Paulie asks, "How long did it take for the guy to come?" Hee. Then it gets even better when the men are laughing and Paulie turns to Tony and tells him that he asked Silvio if he remembered his first blowjob and he said, "Yeah," so he asked him how long did it take for the guy to come. Brilliant.

Close-up on Jennifer. "Toodle-fucking-oo?" She says she couldnt sleep all night, she was so embarrassed. Peter Bogdanovich is telling Jennifer that "toodle-oo" isnt such a bad thing to say. She says thats not how she talks to her patients. He says that she was being "Jennifer" at that point, and not Dr. Melfi. He asks what she saw at that table that made her want to hide the doctor side of her. She says she was hiding from a patient that she never wanted to see again. He asks if she means professionally. He says that might be why she acted like Jennifer and not a doctor. Jennifer thinks saying "toodle-oo" was her regressing into being a young girl to escape responsibility for abandoning a patient. She says she needs him to tell her that she did the right thing. He asks why she became a doctor. She says she lost a patient because of this man, and that she had to go "on the lam." Peter Bogdanovich says that treating patients from a hotel room might not have been the optimal situation here, but at least she didnt leave all of her patients. He then asks her if she really just said "lam."

Janice is at a yoga class. As she does her downward dog, she spots Richie at the back of her class. Man, poor Aida Turturro. Its bad enough to be filmed in a leotard-type thing, but to go from downward dog to cobra pose? You might as well just have a camera strapped between your thighs as you run after the ice cream truck. That ladys got a lot of balls, and I respect her for it. Richie is watching Janice. Janice turns back and meets his gaze. She turns back around and looks concerned.

After the class, Janice walks up to Richie. She tells him that her name is now Parvati. He says he thought she lived in California. She corrects him, saying she lives in Seattle. She asks how long hes been out of jail. He says one week. He tells her thats where he picked up yoga. She says he looks very "supple." Supple and "sinew." All these adjectives to try to tell Richie that he looks good, when they dont think he looks good in the first place. She tells Richie that Livias in a hospital from a stroke. He says that Tony didnt mention anything. Janice sort of snorts and then leaves.

Tony has Richie meet him at The Sharper Image in a mall. Richie is bitching because some kid spilled fried rice on him in the food court. Tony tells him to calm down. Richie complains about the other day, and Tony says he doesnt talk business with anyone. Thats why theyre meeting in a mall. Richie says it was disrespectful. They chat about old times for a while. Tony tells him that Richie will be taken care of, but these things take time. Richie has this thing where he looks at the mouth of the person thats talking to him, and not the eyes. Its very disconcerting and, I assume, incredibly frustrating for the person talking. Maybe hes got a hearing problem and reads lips. Richie says that what is his shouldnt be "given" to him. Tony calls him a prick.

Walking through the mall, Tony tells Richie that things are different now and that Richie needs to be more careful. He says he knows about Beansie and the smackdown. He tells Richie to back off. Richie says that Beansie is a sneaky cocksucker. He asks Tony if hes taking sides over him. Tony doesnt have time for this, and if Richie doesnt like what Tonys saying then he should fuck himself. "Oh yeah?" Richie asks. "Hows your sister?" Tony whirls around and says theres no need for that kind of talk. Richie says he ran into Janice earlier and was curious as to how shes doing. Tony stammers that he thought Richie was starting shit. "Hows your sister? Fuck your mother." Richie laughs and says no. Sure.

Janice drives over to Livias house. She checks the mail and finds her disability check. "Parvati Wasatch." According to Janices disability check, her mothers name is "Liva Soprano." Janice then steals Chanandler Bongs TV Guide.

Janice goes inside and sees the party damage for the first time. She is pissed off. There are flies and puke everywhere, and the place is wrecked.

Tony eats cereal. Janice storms into the house. She asks Tony if he saw what Meadow did. "That house is fucked!" She tells Carmela that she is beyond outraged. Meadow starts to walk down the stairs as she listens to Janice bitch about the state of the house. Tony says it sounds like Janices apartment in Venice. Carmela says that Meadow has been punished. When Janice hears what Meadows punishment is, she laughs and starts to say what shed do if Meadow was her kid. Tony throws his bowl of cereal and tells Janice that shes got a lot of nerve walking into that house and bitching about how they raise Meadow. Janice yells at Tony for talking to her like that. Tony says that Janice is only there to pick the bones of Livia. He says shes got a lot of balls. Tony walks off, and Janice says that Tony hasnt changed "one iota" since they lived in Newark. Carmela says that Janice is passing judgment on them, on how they raise their kids. Janice keeps going off until Carmela has to scream, asking what it is with the Sopranos. She tells Janice to shut the fuck up about how they raise their children. Janice shuts up and says shes maybe stayed too long. She walks out of the house, and Meadow goes back upstairs.

Uncle Juniors doctor tells him that the fall didnt upset any pre-existing condition in his heart. Juniors got a bad hip. Its only a sprain. The doctor tells Junior that most of his pains are psychosomatic. Richie shows up at the office. They hug. Richie tells Junior to put a shirt on. "Im getting a chubby." Richie is introduced to Dr. Shrek, and then Junior asks for some privacy. The doctor leaves. Junior explains again that he uses the office to meet people. He bitches about house arrest. "Federal marshals are so far up my ass I can taste Brylcream." Richie says he had to meet Tony at a mall and Junior at a doctors office. Junior says that these are strange times. Richie says hell do anything Junior tells him to do. They stare for a while. Junior says that Richie and his brother were always good boys. Richie says that hell listen to whomever hes supposed to listen to.

Bada Bing. Some comic is roasting Richies return. Poorly. Its quieter in the Bada Bing than when its empty. The crowd gets restless, and the comic announces the Bing girls. They waddle out and dance. The crowd is excited again.

Richie is getting packages of money from everyone. Paulie jokes that one mans envelope is full of ones. They banter back and forth until someone insults someones mother.

Richie asks if Beansie showed up. "Havent seen him," Paulie says. Tony comes up to Richie all smiles. They tell him to go with Silvio. Richie leaves. Christopher bitches about Richie, but they tell him to have some respect. Richie did serve ten years. Paulie says Richies got a right to be a little fucked up.

Richie gets a blowjob in the dark. He eventually stops the girl after sighing. She sits up and lips, "I see you like the dark." Richie says, "Yeah, something like that." Then its not so dark anymore and theres another topless girl touching Richies shoulders. These girls have the scariest breast implants Ive ever seen. Richie stands up and puts his pants on. He hands them some money. Scary Tits says they cant take any money. She asks if they did something wrong. Richie tells them to leave the room. I guess Scary Tits is telling us here that Richie cant get it up, but I cant stop staring at the way her tits go up and then sharply curve downward and then back towards her stomach. Terrifying. Richie sits back down alone and looks upset.

Beansie is walking to his car as Richie pulls up. Beansie runs to the other side of the car and hides. He tells Richie he doesnt know why Richie's so upset with him. Richie asks why Beansie wasnt at the party. Beansie says that Richies just pissed that hes got more money. Richie says he spent his money on lawyers. Richie starts shooting at Beansie, and Beansie runs off. Richie chases him for a second, but then stops.

Carmela knocks on Janices door. Janice asks if the musics too loud. Carm says the music is fine. She says she wanted to apologize for earlier. Janice apologizes as well. She says shes never raised a child, since hers was taken back to Montreal. She says shes still petitioning to get her child back. Carm asks when was the last time Janice saw Harpo. Janice says that hes changed his name to Hal. No kidding. Janice asks to change the subject. Carm says that Janice is family, and she doesnt think Janice should leave. Janice says that Tony doesnt want her there. Carm says Livias house is in no condition, and that Janice should stay with them. Carm politely insists, and Janice says shell stay. They hug. Carmela says the music is just slightly too loud.

Beansie sneaks back over to his car. Just as hes about to get inside, theres a horn honking and bright headlights. Beansie turns around just in time to get smashed by Richies car. He falls, and Richie backs up and runs him over again. Then he backs up over him again. Richie is smiling, smoking a cigarette. He drives off.

Meadow and Hunter make grilled cheese sandwiches, singing along to "No Scrubs." Meadow takes the high parts. She asks Hunter what her parents said about the other night. Hunter says they said nothing, since theyre worried shell go bulimic on them again. Meadow says her parents just said, "Blah, blah, blah!" Hunter tells Meadow to start purging and her life will be much easier. What horrible names. Hunter and Meadow. Like Im talking about a J. Crew catalog. They make messy hot chocolate and make a total mess out of Meadows kitchen as they bitch about their parents. Meadow says that her fathers such a hypocrite, considering what he does for a living.

Livias bed isnt working very well, and the buttons shes pressing cause the bed to rock back and forth. Livias roommate suggests that she call the nurse. "Never you mind!" Livia snaps. She throws the bed remote down, and it hits the television remote. Livia tries to turn off the television, but keeps changing the channels instead. Theres a knock at the door. Its Richie with flowers. The roommate says that Livia rang for him. Livia says she didnt. Richie reminds Livia who he is, because she cant remember. She thinks hes Jackie. He tells her thats his brother. Livia asks how Jackie died. Richie says that Jackie had cancer. "Me too," Livias roommate smiles, and Livia moans to shut the curtain. Richie shuts the curtain on the smiley roommate. Livia says she was in a private room, and her husband would be so upset if he saw her like this. Richie asks where Janice is. Livia says that Janice changed her name to shame her. Janice walks in and sees Richie. They have a moment. Livia points out the flowers and says that Johnny has friends with class. Janice reminds her that Richie is Janices old boyfriend. "Oh, I wish the Lord would take me!" Livia wails. Janice says that Livia complains to everyone that comes in there. Livia and Janice start arguing as Richie listens in. Janice excuses herself for coffee. Livia tells Richie shes sure hes very good to his mother.

In the cafeteria, Janice says that Livia will be better when she gets back home. Richie asks why Tony isnt taking care of her. Janice says that Tony blames everyone else for anything bad in his life. Janice asks whats up with the flowers. Richie says he didnt want to visit empty-handed. He asks why she wasnt in yoga. Janice says they werent good for each other twenty years ago, and they probably arent good for each other now. She says shes changed. He says that he doesnt want the old Janice. He asks if she ever thought shed see him doing yoga. Janice laughs.

Tony and Carmela are in the kitchen. Tonys bitching about the tofu in the fridge. Meadow says shes happy that Janice is staying. Tony reminds Meadow that Janice thinks she wasnt punished enough for the house party. "That party wasnt my fault! How many fucking times do I have to say it?" Carmela and Tony "Hey" and "Oh!" a few times until Meadow just stares at them. She pouts into her food. "Dont look like youre gonna cry," Carmela scolds. Meadow says she needs fifteen dollars for a Cole Porter CD for her choir. She cant buy it without her card. Tony gives her the cash. Meadow pouts, and Tony asks what her problem is. Meadow pouts off. Tony bitches at Carmela for convincing Janice to stay. He says that hes been taking care of Livia for the past twenty years. AJ says he thought they werent supposed to mention Livia anymore. Tony just stares at AJ for a while as Carmela goes on about how its not Christian to kick Janice out. Tony points out that Janice is a Buddhist. Janice beams about Richie bringing the flowers by Livias room. Tony takes off.