By Aaron
Who else is excited? March 4th, baby!
We open on a close-up of the FBI warning that appears at the beginning of every videotape. Apparently, there are severe penalties for unauthorized reproduction. I should probably plead the fifth here, but I'm forced to confess that I'm doing this recap from a borrowed tape. Please don't put me in jail. I don't think I'd handle it as well as Richie (that'll be funnier somewhere on page two).
Anyway, the gang is all gathered at the Bada Bing, apparently to watch a movie, since they've got theater-style seats set up in Tony's office. Tony doesn't want to watch whatever it is again, however, and we learn that not only is it The Godfather, but it's the DVD version with "the alternate takes and shit." They can't get the disc to work, though, and as Pussy and Christopher fuss with it, there's some discussion of everyone's favorite scene. Paulie likes the one where Michael realizes Fredo betrayed him, and sets up the episode's ironic tone by asking Tony when he's going to see Uncle Junior again. Get it? Cuz nothing's funnier than family betrayal. Except maybe incest. (What!? Rent Hotel New Hampshire if you don't believe me.). They get off a slam at Paramount for their lousy DVD's, and while such a blatant meta-comment does sort of rip you out of the story, it is true. Paramount DVDs do suck. Anyway, Tony's favorite scene is when Vito goes back to Italy. Not surprisingly, he announces that he's heading over soon as well. Paulie finally gives up on waiting for Christopher to fix the player, and proceeds to give it a "brogan adjustment," by beating it with his shoe. I had to look up "brogan." I hope this doesn't mean Paulie is smarter than I am.
Hey! It's that bridge! Actually, its the same shot of the Brooklyn bridge that every New York-based show uses to remind viewers that it's a New York based show. And in case that wasn't New Yorky enough, we get a voiceover from 1010 WINS: "You give us twenty-two minutes, and we'll give you the world." Give MBTV three pages, and we'll give you The Sopranos. Now we see a pure white-bread family driving across the bridge in their fancy new Mercedes SUV. Dad tries to work the controls, but can't quite master the technological marvel that is the climate control system. Dad also looks a little familiar. I think he's on Yes, Dear, or The Trouble with Crappy Sitcoms, or maybe even Becker, but I'm not really sure. Anyway, they get carjacked by a couple of black guys. As they drive off, we hear the family dog barking in the back. The Black Guys let the dog out and peel away. As the family calls out for the dog, he runs away too. Heh. Dad screams a racial slur that will not be repeated here.
Cut to Tony, looking at a Polaroid of the Mercedes. He's in the waiting room at Junior's doctor's office. As he goes in for the meet, the nurse asks him to help get Junior's clothes off. Somehow, I don't think that's gonna happen. Tony asks how he's doing, and Junior responds that "it hurts like the pit and the pendulum just to wipe [himself]." I don't even know what that means, but it sounds painful, and it's way more than I needed to know about Junior's tell-tale colon. Anyway, Tony is there to ask about their contact in Italy, whom Junior has met. Uncle J bitches about losing the carjacking ring to Tony, then waxes nostalgic about the high times of yore. Don Vito apparently came over to America in the sixties, and they had a big party on a boat. Junior describes Don Vito as a serious man, although "he doesn't listen to opera, which is a fucking break." He also mentions that Don Vito is a distant, distant cousin, and then laments that he never had the chance to go Italy himself. Tony tells him, "It's not over yet," and leaves.
Now Meadow is the one bitching about not getting to go to Italy as she sets the table in the Soprano home. Tony tells her it's a business trip, and Meadow gives him grief for not even taking Mom. Tony tries to explain, saying "it's not worth the jet lag," but it seems that neither of the Soprano women are buying it. Meadow goes on and on about how great Italy is until Carmela, who's been seething the whole time, drops a dish on the floor and breaks it. Tony tries to apologize, for this and for canceling a trip to Bermuda last fall. He refers to football season as "our busiest month of the year," which I find funny for some reason. Finally he just gives up, and they all sulk.
So this is what a party store looks like. I'd heard of them, but never actually seen one. Anyway, Pussy and Skip (a.k.a. the FBI guy) are wandering the aisles, discussing Tony's carjacking operation. The cars are being exported to Europe. Except when Skip asks who's in charge, Pussy lies and says Ray Curto. Skip seems to buy it. Suddenly an Elvis impersonator with a handful of pink balloons yells, "Hey! Pussy!" across the store. That's weird on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. Plus, I thought Vegas was the Elvis capital and Atlantic City was all about Sinatra. Whatever. Turns out Elvis is a buddy of Pussy's (which isn't really a surprise if you know what I mean, and I think you do), and Pussy isn't pleased to be seen in the company of an undercover FBI agent. There's awkward small talk, and Elvis refers to Pussy as "the Colonel," which will be important later. Pussy introduces Skip as a "friend of ours, from Dover, Delaware." Elvis gets inappropriately excited by this, and reveals that he's from Dover, New Jersey. He asks if Skip knows where they got the name. "Uh, the cliffs?" Skip stammers. Elvis gets inappropriately disappointed at not being the King of Dover Trivia. I'm not sure if it's the character or the actor, but one of them needs Prozac, and badly. More awkward chat, and Pussy is totally rude to Elvis, who finally snaps. "Let me think. Did I ever meet any connected guys from Delaware? No. No, I don't think so...so, you, Mr. Rude Cocksucker, see ya around." He leaves, and I can't help but note that he'd make a better Pesci impersonator than Elvis. He's still not as good as Christopher, though.
Pussy panics. I just want you all to know that I'm struggling mightily to not to make childish jokes every time I type his name, and I apologize in advance if one or two slip through. As for the profanity on the other hand, well, God bless HBO. Anyway, Skip tries to calm Pussy down. Sad music plays as we get a close-up of Pussy looking worried.
Fade to what I think is New Vesuvio. Carmela, Angie Bonpensiero, and Jackie Aprile's Widow (who goes unnamed, and since I'm too lazy to look it up right now we'll call her Jaws ["her name's Rosalie" -- Sars]) are having lunch. Angie gushes about how happy she is now that Pussy is back. Then she apologizes for gushing in front of Jaws, whose husband is of course dead and not coming back. "Que sera sera," replies Jaws. "Whatever will be, will be," Carmela translates helpfully, before mentioning that the singer is both handsome and blind. I thought it was Doris Day. Angie bursts into tears, and Jaws tries to console her by saying, "I'm sure he's adjusted to it." See, she means the blind guy, right? I saw that one coming before it even got off the Turnpike, and I still laughed. Angie goes off on a rant about how she really isn't happy that Pussy is back. In fact, she's feeling suicidal. When Pussy first walked in the door and yelled, "I'm home," she wanted to vomit. Also, she found a lump on her breast, and when she told Pussy, he ignored her in favor of "spraying WD-40 on his pocket knife." Huh? Unless that's a euphemism for masturbation, in which case, heh. "Benign or malignant, I'm getting a divorce," she declares, only to receive horrified looks from Carmela and Jaws.
Fade to the mandatory plane at sunset shot, followed by a few establishing shots of Italy that look like they were shot in San Diego. Tony, Paulie, and Christopher pull up at their hotel. Manly talk of the Mother Country. Christopher expresses delight that "even the skanks are worth fucking." He gives his agenda: "Hitting the topless beaches, and seeing that crater." I guess they're in Vesuvius. Although, as anyone who watched the Osmond special can attest, those are also the favorite Mormon pastimes in Salt Lake City (home of course to Crater Lake). Inside the hotel, they meet Furio Giante, which has to be one of the cooler mob names I've ever heard. Tony introduces the boys. Furio introduces his sidekick. Kisses all around. Christopher notices the sidekick has needle tracks. As they chat, Furio tells them they'll be having dinner tonight with someone named Nino. Tony wants to meet with Don Vito, and Furio tells him he may be there. The bellhop walks past and motions for them to follow, saying, "Commendatori." My Babel Fish tells me this means "knights." Paulie doesn't know what it means, but he likes the sound of it. "Like a commander. Shows respect."
A few quick cuts of Carmela spreading the gossip about Angie on the Mob Wives Phone Tree, and then we're back to Italy. Tony and Paulie wander into a banquet hall, presumably at Nino's house. Tony is worried about Christopher, who has the titanium driver Tony brought as a gift, and is nowhere to be found. At the table, Furio sits between Tony and Nino and translates. Nino wants cars. Tony's got 'em. Tony's also upset that Don Vito isn't there. When Furio explains that Nino is angered by this slight, Tony apologizes profusely. He can be very diplomatic when he wants to be. So can Furio, apparently, as he translates, "Tell him to get to the fucking point," as "Nino is happy to be at your disposal."
Tony shows a surprisingly nuanced understanding of the socio-political ramifications of ethnic conflict in the Balkans as he explains his plans to expand the car business. Paulie interrupts to say that the octopus is yummy. "You're like a fucking child, with the food and the pussy," replies Tony, and I wonder just what sort of childhood he really had. Nino wants to talk prices on the cars, and they dicker for a while (which isn't profanity, but sounds like it should be). Before things can get tense, Don Vito is wheeled in. Nino greets him and his beautiful daughter Annalisa. Tony scores points by showing great respect. The writers score points by recreating the scene from The Godfather they referenced in the opening. Vito says something about his wheelchair, and Tony leans in close to hear him. No, it's "Wilshire," as in Boulevard. He follows with "George Washington Bridge." Tony, used to this sort of thing with Livia, smiles indulgently and greets Annalisa. Everyone heads back to their seats, and Paulie, ever a paragon of class and good taste, says, "If you give this guy a golf club, he'll probably try to fuck it."
Quick shot of Christopher and the sidekick, shooting up in a hotel room. Didn't you kids see Traffic? Requiem For A Dream? Heck, they're in Italy, what about Hannibal?
Back at the dinner party, Furio runs down the family tree for Tony. Nino has been in hiding until just recently, and the Real Boss is in jail. Annalisa is also the Real Boss's wife. Meanwhile, Paulie has apparently been banished to the kids' table. He looks at a forkful of spinach with dismay, and calls the waiter over to order "macaroni and gravy." That actually sounds kind of good, but the waiter doesn't understand. One of the Italians translates: "He wants spaghetti and tomato sauce. And you thought the Germans were classless pieces of shit." Maybe he'd prefer a McRib. Alex the Stroh's Dog could pick one up for him on his way back from hitting the local Fashion Bug with Rae Dawn Chong's midget pimp.
Anyway, over at the grown-ups' table, Tony is giving a psychiatric diagnosis of Nino, saying that he has self-esteem issues. Don Vito pipes up helpfully with "Major Deegan Expressway." Tony plays along nicely with him, and I can sympathize, since my dad has something of a cartography fetish as well. My mother, on the other hand, needs two maps and a GPS tracking system just to make it out of the driveway. I guess there is a little truth to every stereotype. Annalisa, however, shatters all the Soprano spousal stereotypes by being gracious, intelligent, and most shockingly -- relatively free of make-up. Tony begins to realize that maybe she's the one in charge here.
Pointless shot of Paulie trying to go to the restroom, only to find it dirty and disgusting.
Outside, Annalisa offers to give Tony a tour of his hometown. She's very friendly and respectful, and she and Tony are hitting it off swimmingly, which is of course Paulie's cue for wacky comedy schtick. "I'm gonna hoof it back to the Excelsior," he says, "I gotta take a wicked shit." Before Tony can get too pissed, gunshots break out. Furio instantly knocks over Don Vito's wheelchair and dives on top of him, shouting, "Who's been hit? Who's been hit?" into his walkie-talkie. No, not really. This is only the fourth episode, not the season finale. Tony is impressed with Furio's coolness under fire, which may be related to the fact that Furio is the one who notices that they're not actually under fire. It was just firecrackers. A whole street scene erupts as the guys beat the crap out of the kid who set them off. He was just trying to get a job with the gangsters. Furio suggests he attempt buffing his résumé or sending query letters instead. Then he starts punching him again. Meanwhile, the cops are driving away in the background, and the kid's mom is shouting and going nuts. Finally, one of the gangsters decks her too. Tony and Paulie look on in amazement.
We're back at the hotel, and thankfully, we're spared any shots of Paulie and his diarrhea. Instead, Tony talks on the phone to Carmela, who's acting constipated. She's still bitter about not getting to go to Italy. Tony tries to tell her it's boring and the food sucks, but Carmela seems unwilling to have even a polite conversation. Tony finally gives up. "There's nothing going on. What do you want me to say to you?" he asks, and we cut to a hilarious shot of Tony and some bimbo macking, gladiator-porn-style. We cut back to Tony asleep in bed, and I'm not sure if we're supposed to think it's his dream or Carmela's nightmare. Either way, I've rewound and rewatched it about a dozen times.
Bonpensiero boudoir. Angie awakens to hear Pussy yelling. She nudges him and tells him he was having a nightmare.
Back in Italy, Paulie drags Christopher out of bed and tells him they have to hang with Nino. He's worried that if Christopher doesn't get it together, he won't get made. Chris reiterates his desire to visit the volcano. Across town, Tony arrives at Annalisa's. He tips the guy who leads him to his bedroom, and the guy looks at him like he's nuts. Tony goes onto the balcony and looks out at the beautiful Italian scenery. Then he glances down below, and spots even more beautiful Italian scenery -- Annalisa in a bikini. He gazes longingly.
In Jersey, Janice has come over to see Carmela. Janice feels Carmela isn't missing much by not going to Italy, because of all the sexual harassment she (Janice) experienced on her last trip. Carmela, because she's like that, wants to get straight to the gossip, and tells all about Angie's divorce plans. Janice thinks it's a great idea, which horrifies Carmela. Janice delivers a ringing indictment of the Mafia-male culture, using phrases like "swaggering mama's boy" and "Madonna-whore complex." She asks Carmela how "A woman of [her] intelligence can be so content to ask so little from [her] life." Carmela justifies her marriage to Tony by invoking religion, and throws the fact that Janice is dating a mobster herself right back in her face. Janice justifies her relationship with Richie by invoking anal rape. No, really. Richie is apparently "sensitive to the plight of women," after all his time in jail. Carmela laughs almost as hard as I do at that line.
Still on the balcony, Tony watches Annalisa get a pedicure. She makes the guy (the pedicurer?) collect her toenail clippings and give them to her. Tony is curious. Cut to later, and Annalisa is trying out the golf club Tony brought. She shanks her first shot, and Tony tells her, "It's a man's club." She gives him a dirty look. I think the problem might be that the super-tight silver lamé pantsuit she's wearing is restricting her movement. Although to be fair, as she lines up her shot, I notice that she's got an ass that would make J.Lo sit up and say "Mommy." Tony is having difficulty believing in the concept of a female boss. He tells her, "It'd never happen in the States." She explains that all the men are either dead or in jail. Plus, "all our men are in love to their mama, so obeying a woman, it comes natural." Tony replies, "Well, I'll be dipped in shit." Yeah, and subtext too. Careful you don't catch shigella. Anyway, as Tony admires the way she handles his club, he compliments her on her handling of the sick father and tells her he's done the same for his mother. "We're cousins," she says, with a smile.
Now it's even later, and they're at a restaurant. Extremely phallic close-up of Annalisa chewing on what my crappy, year-old SLP tape seems to indicate are human fingers. I don't think that's right, but the scene would be a lot more interesting if it were, so I'm sticking with it. Tony asks about the toenail clippings. "Why? Do you want them?" she asks flirtatiously. Heh. She explains that it's superstition. If an enemy gets a piece of your body, they can work evil on you. Tony busts out more diplomacy. "Well, thank you for entrusting me with your toenails, but can I pass without ruining the moment?" Turns out she burned them anyway. I'd hate to see what happens when she shaves her legs.
Paulie is dining al fresco. See, I do know some Italian. He looks around, enjoying the ambiance. Spying a couple at the table, he smiles and says "Commendatori" a few times. They shrug and turn away.
Now Tony and Annalisa are walking on the beach. This is starting to feel like that scene in Naked Gun when Leslie Nielsen and Priscilla Presley go on the date montage that lasts for like six months. No peppy Herman's Hermits music here, though. Instead, Tony laments that you just can't get good help in America anymore. All the guys are rats with no loyalty. Annalisa gets that he's asking for a few of her men, and asks what she gets in return. Tony seems to think that just having a (pardon the pun) toenail hold in America would be reward enough. When he asks for Furio, however, negotiations break down, and with a "Fuck you" and an "Up your ass" they go their separate ways.
Speaking of endless montage sequences, we get one here. First, Angie at home. She tells Pussy that the biopsy was negative, but he ignores her completely and leaves. She cries. Back in Italy, we hear an announcement that the last bus to the volcano is leaving. Cut to Christopher, asleep with a hooker in his hotel room. Now Pussy shows up at Elvis's house. Elvis invites him in, and Pussy thanks him by whacking him in the back of the head with a ball-peen hammer. Blood splatters across a gratuitously placed photo of Colonel Tom Parker, and I get the sense that this episode was written by an Elvis fan with an axe to grind. Or a hammer to swing.
At Annalisa's house, Tony is packing. He tries to get Furio to drive him to the airport, but Furio convinces him to stay for dinner. Tony asks what it's like working for a woman. "What are you gonna do?" replies Furio. I have a funny but somewhat sexist joke about this, but then I remember I work for two women here myself, so I'll just shut up.
Finally, Pussy comes back home with a bouquet of flowers. Angie just grabs it and smacks him with them. Pussy stands there and looks sad.
Okay, I'm having serious problems here not starting every paragraph with "Back in Italy" or "Back in Jersey." So how about, meanwhile, in Italy, Tony and Annalisa chat. She tells him how they've lived in this house for a hundred years. Her dad was born here. She was born here. The kids were born here. I was bored here. Tony likes the history and tradition. They almost share a moment, but then the kids interrupt and Annalisa has to put them to bed.
And again with the cutting to another continent. Carmela goes to Angie's house. Angie says the lawyer will file divorce papers on Tuesday. Carmela says, "So you're taking Monday to think about it. That's good." "Monday is a Jewish holiday," replies Angie. Heh yet again. And actually, it's not a Jewish holiday, but it is President's Day (for those of us south of the border, at least), and I'm celebrating by writing this recap. Angie feels that "God gave [her] a gift," and she doesn't want to waste the rest of her thankfully-cancer-free life with Pussy. Carmela reminds her that the Church frowns on divorce. "Let the Pope live with him, then." Carmela is really desperate to save this marriage. I wonder if she could be projecting any of her own feelings of insecurity here. Hmmm. "What about the kids?" she asks. Angie reminds her that they're nineteen, twenty, and twenty-four, so they'll probably understand. She wants to know why Carmela is trying so hard. Read the recap, Angie. It knows all.
And of course, we're back in Italy. Paulie strolls along the waterfront. He stops to engage a passerby in conversation, and the only way to do the exchange justice is to transcribe it verbatim:
Paulie: Commendatori. Buongiorno.
Guy: Who are you?
Paulie: [in exaggerated, "talking to someone who doesn't speak English" tones] I'm from America.
Guy: Are you with NATO? You cut our ski lift cable. [walks away]
Okay, so it totally doesn't look funny like that. Just trust me. Especially since what comes is just so wrong. We cut to Paulie, naked and in bed, the sheet strategically covers his naughty bits, but then he reaches down and starts scratching. I remove the hot poker from my eye socket just in time to see him call out to a hooker he's got with him to bring him a plum. The hooker is too busy putting her make-up back on, so he gets the plum himself. "You got great fruit in this country," he says. That's why it's a Tomato Nation. He calls her back to bed, and before he lets her kiss him, he sprays Binaca in her mouth. Damn, and I was hoping her bad breath would melt his nasty chest hair. He starts babbling about his family history, and she perks up when she hears he's from Ariano (by the way, shout-out?). Turns out she's from there too. Instead of being disgusted at the possibility of having macked with a relative (or the possibility of another incest joke from me) he's delighted to hear it. She just scratches her feet.
And for the first time in a dozen paragraphs, we stay in Italy. Tony and Annalisa are visiting some famous monument. It's an oracle, which she describes as being the second most popular after Delphi, and before SQL servers. Tony reads from the little tourist plaque that men would come to the Oracle so that "women would deliver their fates." Sounds like Tony's life, all right. Annalisa leads him inside, and Tony asks her for a premonition. She says that he has someone in his life, "perhaps a wife? A girlfriend?" Tony says he has both, but cracks on her psychic power because that's not what he was thinking of. She says there's someone else, someone he "wants to fuck." Tony thinks Melfi, and gets all defensive. "You don't want to fuck her?" asks Annalisa. "You don't want to fuck me?" Tony replies, "I don't shit where I eat," and I think that sets a new MBTV record for swear words in a paragraph. I'm sorry, people. They said it. So don't fucking complain to me. Anyway, Tony seems sincere in his desire to not mix business with pleasure. There's some more negotiation, and Tony finally agrees to lower the price of the cars in exchange for Furio. They shake on the deal.
JFK. The airport, not the President. Pussy picks them up. Paulie enthuses about how great Italy was, and while he did make a fool out of himself, he also seemed to be genuinely having a good time getting back to his roots, so I can't knock him too much. Tony is pleased with how the business turned out, but pissed that Christopher is in the duty-free shop buying a gift for Adrianna. Apparently Chris never even left the hotel the whole time they were there. That depression is really getting to him. He'd better be careful, or he could end up getting shot or something. As they drive away from the airport, we get lots of Jersey establishing shots, letting us know that we're not in Naples anymore.
Finally, Tony arrives at the house. He opens the door and calls out, "I'm home." Push in on Carmela as she looks up and tries to decide how she feels about all this. Me, I feel pretty good about it. How about you?