Fade up on Brendan "Fee" Filone in the parking lot of Comley Trucking, honking a semi's air horn. Christopher "Cross" Moltisanti crabs at him that he should have just rung the doorbell. A guy comes out and asks what he's doing, and Christopher makes up a cock-and-bull story about finding the truck on the side of the road, maybe kids did it, something with the transmission, he doesn't know. A couple of Comley guys come out into the parking lot, and one of them asks, "Hey, what're you doing with the truck, asshole?" as he stalks across the lot towards Christopher; Christopher responds by firing two shots into the air, which brings the guys up short. Christopher then announces all portentously, "A gift from Tony Soprano," and he and Brendan start laughing and peel off the Comley lot. The Comley guys head back inside, and one of them says, "Let's call the cops, those are the guys who killed Hector."
In the car, Brendan snorts some crystal and bitches about having to give up the biggest score of his whole year. Christopher, now in full-on self-importance mode, snots at Brendan that "Uncle Junior's been breaking Tony's balls" because Brendan hijacked that truck, and Brendan's lucky Tony doesn't shove the cab up Brendan's ass. Then he snorts some crystal too.
Cut to a quiet restaurant. Junior "Executive Suite" Soprano asks Mikey what else Comley said. "Nothing much," Mikey says between sips of soup. "There was some stuff missin' from the truck," but Comley was just glad to get the truck back. Mikey has on a light beige blazer over a darker beige cable-knit sweater with no shirt on under it -- sartorial non-splendor doesn't get any more Jersey than that, folks. Mikey adds almost as an afterthought that Comley said to tell Tony thank you, and if Tony needs anything, he should give Comley a call. Junior, spoon in mid-air, spits, "Tony?" Mikey smiles all oh-here-we-go, and Junior rants that "those fucking junkie fucks" work for Tony, they hijacked the truck and Junior got it back, and now Comley's thanking Tony. Mikey sees a suck-up opportunity and says that Junior should have taken care of "this Christopher Moltisanti thing" when it first happened: "You should have sent a clear-cut signal to him, you fuck with Junior Soprano --" Junior thunks the salt shaker down on the table and interrupts Mikey mid-blather: "Take it easy! We're not making a Western here." Mikey drums his hands on the table, frustrated. Junior sighs, "Fucking family." He says grimly that he bought AJ "Fat Ballou" Soprano a surfboard for his birthday. Just to let you know: we see neither AJ nor the surfboard for the rest of the episode, and Junior doesn't finish this thought either.
Moving right along to Melfi's waiting room, where Tony "Panic Button" Soprano reads the paper. As he turns the page, he notices on the wall across from him a painting of a red barn sitting in a field, with a tree on the left side and a fence in the foreground. He folds the paper and gets up to look more closely at the painting; close-up of the barn door, which seems to have a figure standing in it. Jennifer "Island Of Dr." Melfi comes out to invite him in, and he gives her an unnerved "how ya doin'" before following her into the office. Inside, they settle into their respective chairs; as Melfi adjusts the sleeve of her jacket, Tony asks too casually, "What's that, a trick picture out there?" "Which?" asks a puzzled Melfi. "The barn," Tony says, as if he's trapped her into admitting something, "and the old tree all rotted out inside." Melfi shrugs that it's "just a picture [she] bought" at a Provincetown gallery, which makes me laugh because it's exactly the kind of painting that vacationing New Jerseyans pay way too much for at Cape Cod craft fairs. Anyway, Tony doesn't believe her: "That is a special-made psychological picture. Like that what-do-you-call-it test. The Corshack." Like, ha ha. Not. Melfi asks if he thinks she's trying to trick him, then asks what the picture says to him. Tony, getting annoyed: "It says, 'Hey, asshole, we're from Harvard, and what do you think of this spooky depressing barn and this rotted-out tree we put here?'" "It's spooky and depressing to you?" Melfi wants to know. "Not to me," Tony says quickly, "but it's got that built right into it." He smiles, pleased with himself for (he thinks) not falling into the picture's trap. (For the record: the painting isn't particularly depressing. It isn't particularly...anything. It's just a barn and a tree, which, also for the record, has blooms on it and thus isn't "rotted out." Do with that what you will.) Melfi asks Tony, "How are things?" "Good," he chirps, adding that "a friend of mine's in the hospital," but other than that, he's having a good week. "What's he in for?" Melfi asks. Tony avoids answering directly, saying that first the doctors thought Jackie "Some Enchanted" Aprile had an ulcer, "you know, then this, then that." Melfi asks if Tony's worried about him. "Jackie?" Tony scoffs. "Jackie's so fuckin' mean, he'll scare that cancer away." "Your friend has cancer," Melfi says softly. Tony just raises his brows.
In Jackie's hospital room, Mikey fusses with Jackie's IV and asks a dumb question about air getting into Jackie's veins. Jackie makes "what the fuck" noises, and Jackie's wife Rosalie arranges a bouquet on the bedside table and reassures him that it's a good hospital and nothing like that will happen while glaring at Mikey. Mikey keeps on about it, and on her way by, Rosalie smacks him in the back of the head. Heh. Mikey keeps making inappropriate conversation, telling Jackie that some guy named Tony DePalma has cancer too, but "it's much worse than" Jackie's, "it's eating his brain away." Jackie rolls his eyes. Overly cheerful bellowed greetings mark the entrance of Tony, Hesh "Brother" Rabkin, Silvio "I've Got Your Circle Right Here" Dante, and Paulie "Walnuts" Gaultieri, who file up to the bed and kiss Jackie hello and ask how he's doing, and Tony gives Rosalie a bakery box. Tony tells Mikey it's nice to see him again "in men's clothing." Mikey comes back by saying that maybe he should grab a fire extinguisher; he heard a friend of Tony's "had a spontaneous combustion in his restaurant."
Rosalie interrupts to say that she's going down to the cafeteria and asks if Jackie wants anything; he says dryly, "Yeah, a plate of brasciol'," and everyone laughs. Tony asks Jackie if his IV has grappa in it. "I wish," Jackie sighs. Mikey kisses Jackie goodbye and Jackie tells him to give Junior his love, and Tony calls after Mikey to tell Junior that he gave back the truck and to give Tony the "quart of vinegar peppers he owes [him]." After Mikey disappears, Jackie says thank god Mikey left: "He's a nice guy, but he's like the grim fuckin' reaper. It's like he knows every guy with a fuckin' cancer cell and he can't wait to tell you." Paulie tells Jackie that he might be a candidate for clinical trials, but before he can really warm to his topic of stem-cell therapy, Silvio tells Paulie to shut up already because Jackie just said he didn't want to hear "no more cancer talk," and Paulie tells Silvio to "get the fuck outta here," and Jackie tells Hesh, "Trust me, you caught a break bein' Jewish. See what I gotta deal with?" Everyone chuckles. Silvio, reminded of something, muses aloud, "Jews...Jews, I knew there was something. Tony, you know that guy Teitelman?" Tony doesn't. Silvio describes him -- owns a lot of property, wears black clothes and side curls -- and Hesh informs him that "they're called 'Hasidim,'" and Paulie cracks that "I seed him but I don't believe 'em," like, quit while you're ahead, Paulie. Silvio says that Teitelman wants a divorce for his daughter. Everyone shrugs all "so?" but Silvio says that Teitelman's son-in-law won't give his consent for the divorce unless he gets fifty percent of Teitelman's motel. Hesh explains that this is called a "get." Paulie asks, "Why don't he just, uh," and makes a "gone" motion with his hand; Silvio whispers that "it's taboo for their religion." Because, you know, arranging to have in-laws killed is just fine for all the other religions of the world. "You know about this shit?" Tony asks Hesh, and Hesh advises him to "run," that they don't want to get involved with "these people." Silvio points out that, if they can procure the get, there's twenty-five grand in it for them; Hesh counters with the old saying that when a Jew gets a divorce, even the altar sheds tears. "Enough," Jackie mutters, saying that he's getting tired, so Hesh suggests getting a cup of coffee and they all file out of the room. Jackie watches them go with a worried look on his face.
Chorus rehearsal. As the students butcher "All Through The Night," we pan across the chorus to Hunter "Ugly Friend" Scangarelo and Meadow "Bratizen Kane" Soprano, both singing along and looking utterly bored. Meadow then jumps the cue for her solo, and the chorus director makes a snide remark as the piano accompaniment stops and the other kids snicker. Hunter says in Meadow's defense that they stayed up "past two" the night before studying for the SATs. "Are you her lawyer?" the director asks mildly. Heh. "No," Meadow sulks, and the director starts to say that she doesn't know why "they" scheduled SATs the same week as the concert, but Meadow interrupts to brat, "Same day," and the director snaps, "What?" and all the kids start talking amongst themselves.
Walking down the hall, Meadow says pointedly to Hunter, "Get kicked out of Concert Singers and there goes our best extracurricular," and Hunter snarks, "Goodbye Berkeley, hello Glassboro State," and Meadow says that she can't wait to put the entire "North American land mass" between her and her parents. Yeah, a few of us on this side of said land mass can't wait for that either, Bratty Arbuckle. "New Jersey blows," Hunter agrees. Meadow moans that she wants to go to Berkeley "sooo baaaad," and Hunter says she can't deal anymore, and Meadow grumbles that they won't get any sleep until after the SATs.
"Don't Squeeze The" Charmaine Bucco tells Tony and Carmela "Our Lady Of Passive Aggression" Soprano not to mind the mess; she hadn't expected company. Tony asks where he can find Artie "Hey Boo" Bucco, and Charmaine says he's downstairs, so Tony goes to find him. Carmela looks around at all the boxes and stacked-up furniture, obviously judges them wanting, and arranges her face into its customary plastic smile before delivering the back-handed compliment, "I love the coziness." She hands Charmaine a brightly wrapped box and welcomes her to the neighborhood. "Well, the school district, anyway," Charmaine shrugs, then tells Carmela that she didn't have to get her a present; Carmela beams at her condescendingly. Charmaine says awkwardly that the two of them don't see each other "like we used to," and Carmela jumps in with an overly earnest "I want that to change." Huh? Charmaine doesn't approve of the Sopranos, but she's bummed about not seeing them socially? And does Carmela think she's doing Charmaine a solid by wanting to hang out with her?
In the garage, Tony tells Artie that "the place looks good." Artie, mucking around with the garage door, comments that it needs some work but they'll get it in shape. Tony lets Artie know that, if he needs start-up cash until the insurance settlement comes in...he trails off, gesturing toward himself. Artie chuckles bitterly and says that "there'll be an Italian president before I see any insurance money." Tony asks what he means, and Artie says that the insurance company's doing a second arson investigation. Tony snaps, "What do they think, you're mobbed up? You're a working stiff, for chrissake," and Artie says that it doesn't make any sense -- who would burn down a perfectly good restaurant? "Stupid! Insane," he grumbles; Tony looks down and fidgets. "I'm sorry, Artie," he finally says. Artie says that life goes on; he can always become a plumber. Tony gets up and jokes that there's "only one concept to master -- shit runs downhill." Artie laughs and offers Tony a beer.
Satriale's. Tony comes out into the sunshine with a cup of espresso and surveys the scene. The Teitelmans come down the street, and Tony introduces them to Silvio and Paulie, and with prompting by Tony, Mr. Teitelman introduces his son Hillel. Mr. Teitelman does not mention that he played Maury in GoodFellas, and it took me a minute to recognize the actor by his voice alone, since he doesn't have the hideous toupee going here. Anyway, Mr. Teitelman opens by asking if Tony knows the story with his daughter and her husband. Tony nods. Mr. Teitelman asks if Tony has a daughter; Tony says yes, and says again that Mr. Teitelman should call him Tony. Mr. Teitelman asks what Tony would do if his daughter were abused by her husband, and Tony says he'd talk to the husband. "Yeah, in ball-peen hammer," Silvio grumps. Mr. Teitelman starts to go off on a rant, saying that surely Tony can understand his anger, his son-in-law is harming his daughter and flouting Jewish marriage laws, blah bling blah. Tony breaks in to remind him that he's in the garbage business and he only agreed to the meeting because Silvio is a friend of both of theirs, so if he can help Mr. Teitelman with his family problem, he'll happily do so, and now Hillel breaks in by snorting and gesturing at Tony deprecatingly. Tony wants to know what's up with Hillel, and Mr. Teitelman bitches at Hillel in Yiddish to shut up and save his criticisms for when they get home, and he tells Tony in English to "please finish," so Tony confirms that the son-in-law wants half the hotel in exchange for the divorce. Silvio pipes up with the information that the "rabbi goon squads," who used to rough up son-in-laws resisting divorces, have gotten broken up by the DA's office. Mr. Teitelman nods sadly. Tony says that the son-in-law wants fifty percent, so they'll take twenty-five in exchange for taking care of the problem. Hillel stammers that he doesn't understand; Tony snaps that that's because he's not talking to Hillel. Hillel tells his father in Yiddish that "you're creating a golem," that Tony will wind up destroying him "just like the rabbi in the story," and he gets up to leave, but Mr. Teitelman leans in and says, "Get me what I want, Mr. Soprano, and you have a deal." "It's done," Tony says flatly. They shake hands. As the Teitelmans walk away, Hillel harangues his father that once they let "these people" into the motel, they'll never get them out. "That's a commercial, isn't it?" Paulie laughs. He and Tony high-five.
Paulie and Silvio saunter up the front walk of the motel. Inside, we see the son-in-law, Ariel, giving orders to a Latino member of the maintenance staff, winding up with, "And no cervezas, please." Paulie and Silvio walk in, and Silvio rings the bell at the front desk. After a little of the old can-I-help-you-that-depends-who-are-you-that-depends, Silvio tells Ariel with much expressive hand gesturing that they want to talk to him about the problem he's having with his father-in-law; Ariel tells him that it's "none of your matter, so get outta here." Silvio sets his jaw and explains that "Shlomo is a friend of mine," and Ariel comes back with, "And you're bragging this?" which cracks Silvio and Paulie up, and Ariel goes on to say that they "couldn't possibly understand what's going on here," calling Shlomo "an arrogant, ignorant control freak" and saying that he's built the motel up from nothing and Shlomo owes him, "and I intend to get what's mine, so -- please, don't embarrass yourselves further."
Paulie looks up from his paper and says mildly to Silvio, "I'm not embarrassed -- you embarrassed?" Then Paulie grabs Ariel and slams his face into the counter; he and Silvio hold Ariel down, and he tells Ariel to give Shlomo what he wants "and forget this fifty percent shit," because he's got nothing coming to him, "nothing!" Silvio tells Paulie to "say bubkes," because that means "nothing" in Yiddish; Paulie stares at him for a second before spitting, "Fuck that. This is how I say 'nothing,'" and he picks up the front-desk bell and starts pounding Ariel in the head with it. Ding! Ding! Ding ding ding!
In the bedroom, Carmela tells Tony that she's decided to hire Charmaine Bucco to cater a pediatric hospital fund-raiser she's having at the house; her tone implies that she's doing Charmaine a big favor. Tony complains about hosting the fund-raiser and gripes, "Since when do we open our house to strangers?" Carmela says sarcastically that he's right, they should just move back to Italy and live in a tiny hill town and pour boiling oil on all the travelers that knock at the gate, all while tickling Tony's feet; he doesn't laugh. The sound of rap music comes through the wall, and Tony pounds on the wall above the headboard and yells, "Come on!" "Poor Charmaine," Carmela goes on, stroking Tony's leg. "I tried to find nice things to say about that house." Tony doesn't think it's that bad, it just needs a little work. "Those two are so broke...that fire," Carmela says. "If insurance would get off its ass," Tony snarls, and Carmela asks all innocently, "Do you think it could have been arson?" "What the hell's the matter with you?" Tony snaps, then pounds on the wall again and yells, "Aaaayyyy!" in the direction of the music. Carmela gets up.
door, in the middle of a groundswell of music noise, Meadow bitches into the phone that "I can't believe you guys didn't get enough for us," then rolls her eyes and brats, "Yeah. Put Matt on." Carmela knocks, then opens the door and demands, "What's going on in here? You trying to damage your inner ears?" "We're studying!" Meadow tells her, fixing her with a "get out" look. Hunter blathers on about the "brutal" SAT practice tests, but Carmela just asks if Hunter's parents know she's there so late; Meadow says in her best "uh duh" tone, "Yeah, she's sleeping over." Carmela just stands there. Finally, Meadow says with much eye-rolling, "Can Hunter please sleep over?" Carmela does a half eye-roll of her own and says, "Start sleeping, then, study time's over." "We still have six more chapters left," Hunter whines, like, who tries to bargain with their friend's parents? Shut up, Hunter. Carmela tells them to keep the noise down and shuts the door; as soon as she's gone, Meadow picks up the phone and starts bitching at Matt again. Hunter grabs the phone from her and tells him that "if we can't score some crystal, we're dead."
The day. Carmela walks through the tacky beige-and-ivory foyer in her workout clothes and listens to Charmaine run down a list for the fund-raiser, then tells Charmaine in a really phony "just us girls" tone that she's so glad Charmaine's helping her: "This whole party has me at sixes and sevens." Charmaine starts to say something about the pediatric hospital being a worthy cause, but Carmela stops at a highboy and pulls up short, then hollers at the maid, "Oona!" Close-up of Carmela's French manicure as she beckons Oona imperiously: "There is [sic] fingerprints all over the breakfront." Charmaine looks on, slightly taken aback, as Carmela dresses Oona down and reminds her that "I want this place to sparkle," then turns to Charmaine and rolls her eyes dramatically before whispering, "She's usually very good. From Poland." Charmaine nods all "um, okay." Reason Number 373 that this show rocks: the bang-on characterization of Carmela as one of those nouveau riche Jersey housewives who has nothing to do all day but spend her husband's money on tennis lessons and manicures and redecoration that the house doesn't even need, and who turns around and cops an attitude with the help. I used to work in a cutesy-poo country home furnishings store in my hometown, and some of these women would come in two or three times a week to wear out their platinum cards buying twee little heart-shaped wreathes and pukey little matted ducky paintings and whatnot, and they'd stand there with the frosted hair and the floor-length minks and the Coach bags and snap their fingers at me if they wanted to know the (exorbitant, by the way) price on something, and I'd just smile and say "right away" and "sure, no problem," but inside my head I always said to myself, "Get a job, lady," because it's not that I don't think staying home to mind the kids qualifies as a job -- I do, and it does. I just couldn't deal with the supercilious attitude from women who I knew had maids and nannies at home doing the cooking and the cleaning and the child supervising, and who clearly had zero memory of what it meant to work for a living, never mind the seventy-sixth circle of hell represented by working for a living in retail in a wealthy suburban town...God, I hated that job.
Christopher is watching COPS and bitching at the TV. He complains that he's "seen this one already." Brendan, doing pull-ups on a bar in a doorway, suggests that Christopher call Tony so that Tony can call Junior and get permission for Christopher to change the channel. Ouch -- especially coming from Brendan, who I didn't think had the intellectual wherewithal to come up with a dis that good. The doorbell rings, and Christopher calls for Adriana "Tacky Balboa" La Cerva to get the door, despite the fact that he's closer (as is Brendan). Adriana comes out of the bedroom, toweling off her hair and grumbling that she's "the only one who has to go to work around here." Christopher makes a snide comment about her restaurant hostess gig as Adriana looks out the peephole, then opens the door.
Meadow and Hunter slouch into Christopher's apartment. Christopher sneers at them; Adriana tells them not to mind Christopher, "his brain is fried," and offers them a soda. Hunter: "How 'bout a beer?" Shut UP, Hunter. Adriana's got my back here, snorting, "Yeah, right." "Just kidding," Hunter says lamely. "I'll have a Coke, if you have one." "So what do you want, Meadow?" Christopher asks nastily. Brendan says she wants something from him, and wiggles his eyebrows at her. She freezes him out with "in your dreams, Brendan." Christopher asks again what she wants, and she exchanges a meaningful look with Hunter before leaning forward and saying, "I wanna cop." Christopher chokes on a lungful of pot and asks what she means. "Score," Hunter says helpfully. "We wanna score some crystal." Brendan drops off the chin-up bar and asks if they've got money; Christopher tells him to shut up, he's not giving them shit. "Why not?" Meadow brats, and Christopher snaps, "How about for starters your father putting a bullet in my head?" He asks since when does she take speed, and Hunter explains that Meadow doesn't -- she (Hunter) needs it for exams. Christopher doesn't believe her and repeats that he's not selling them squat. Meanwhile, Hunter makes eyes at Brendan, and Brendan makes Joey Tribbiani faces back at Hunter. Ew. Get glasses, Brendan. Hunter to Brendan, flirtatiously: "What?" Meadow tells her that Brendan just craves attention. Brendan flips Meadow off. Roger that, Brendan. Meadow rolls her eyes elaborately and tells Christopher that she just thought she'd ask him before they went down to Jefferson Avenue. Christopher says that the dealers down there will "rob you, rape you, and leave you by the side of the road." Meadow, unimpressed, tells Adriana, "I don't know what you see in him," and gets up to leave, confident that she's got Christopher over a barrel. "Money, what do you think?" Christopher cracks. Adriana snaps at him. More Brendan leering. Meadow flips Brendan off; after she turns her back, Brendan makes an "I'll call you" gesture at Hunter.
Adriana lets the girls out and tells Christopher he can't let them go down to Jefferson Avenue. Christopher scoffs that they won't go down there, not really -- Meadow only said that because she wants him to give her the speed. Adriana thinks it's better that they get the drugs from Christopher than the "poison" they'd get on the streets. Christopher stares at her. Brendan, doing a back-flip on the chin-up bar, says portentously, "Kids. You think you can protect 'em. But you can't." Shut up, Brendan.
Jackie's watching TV when Tony comes in; Jackie asks what he's doing there so late. AJ stepped on a nail, Tony says, so he had to come in for a tetanus shot. Jackie asks what happened "with the Jew at the motel." Tony says all Mr. Euphemism that "we reached out to him, he wasn't receptive -- they're going back." Just then, a nurse -- or, more accurately, a stripper in a too-tight nurse's get-up -- comes in, ostensibly looking for her pen. Tony makes to leave as Jackie says that he thinks she's got the wrong room; over his protests, she reels off a bunch of single entendres (tm Wing Chun) about "making up the bed" and "checking some vitals" while rummaging around under the covers and grabbing his goolies. Tony pointedly exclaims over the flower arrangement. The "nurse" reaches over Jackie to "check his IV" while draping her breasts across his face, and when she finishes, her boobs have popped right out of the outfit. Jackie stares at her, looking terrified and delighted at the same time, as she makes "oh, excuse me" noises and asks if she can borrow one of his gowns, and as Tony shoos a real nurse out of the room in the background ("it's okay, it's a private party"), the stripper nurse starts peeling off her nurse's kit, and Jackie guffaws when he finally realizes what's going on. Tony laughs and yells that he "got" Jackie. More merriment when the stripper tells him to "relax, Mr. Aprile -- it's time for your sponge bath." Tony leaves them alone. The stripper and Jackie start smooching. A dying man's got a right to skeeve around with hookers, I guess, but still -- poor Rosalie.
Cut to Melfi sitting stiffly through the end of the story as Tony says he came back to Jackie's room later on and they all hung out with "a little booze." Melfi, trying to spin it positively: "That was nice of you to have a [tiny pause] party for your friend." Tony doesn't respond, looking around the room at Melfi's diploma. After a moment, he says, "Tufts Medical School...you're a doctor. What do you think? About Jackie?" She'd have to know more about his condition. Tony says a little impatiently that he already told her about Jackie's condition: "He's got cancer." What kind of cancer, she asks. Intestinal -- he had a tumor; they took it out; it's recurred. Melfi thought Tony said Jackie might go home: "They're not operating?" "Well, it's to something vital," Tony says, realizing as he says it what that must mean. "I see." "You see," Tony repeats. From what he's telling her, Melfi doesn't think it sounds very good. Tony gets annoyed: "From what I'm telling you. Well, what the fuck do I know, I'm not a doctor." "You're angry -- who with?" Melfi shoots back. Tony snarls that Jackie has had chemo every day for three weeks and hasn't lost his hair, he hasn't lost a single hair, so Melfi shouldn't tell Tony how it sounds, because she doesn't know Jackie, and she doesn't know Tony, and she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. Huh. Ohhhh-kay. Melfi says that he's getting closer to his true feelings "about what's really going on here." Tony snaps that he just told her his true feelings. Melfi points out that he described the tree in the painting as rotted out, but "there's nothing in that picture to indicate that." Tony grouses that he knew the picture "was a fucking scam." Melfi won't back down: "Remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning." She asks what happens to trees that rot. Well, we can consider that nerve hit: "Trees, ducks -- what the fuck are you, Ranger Rick?" Tony gets out of his chair, yelling something about how shrinks accuse their patients of lying while they pull scams on their patients themselves, winds up with "Fuck you!" and storms out of the office.
At Soprano Manor, caterers walk past with sprays of flowers while Carmela is on the phone, trying to straighten out the benefit guest list. Christopher comes in and slinks up the stairs behind her; Carmela sees him disappearing around the corner of the landing, and she looks after him suspiciously but doesn't get off the phone right away.
Upstairs in Meadow's room, Christopher tells her that if anyone finds out that she got crystal from him -- Meadow interrupts to exult, "Yes!" and snatches the glassine bag out of his hand, but he grabs her arm and tells her that he's serious; he knows they don't get along but she wouldn't want to see him dead, would she? Meadow doesn't seem to hear this, giving him a kiss on the cheek and saying, "I gotta call Hunter. You're the best!" Shut up, Meadow. Christopher takes her arm again, repeating that he's serious, he only did it this once, "I'm no drug dealer," he didn't want her going down to some shady area and getting hurt, blah blah blah justificationcakes. Carmela comes in and stands in the doorway; Christopher and Meadow move away from each other as Meadow snipes, "God, doesn't anyone ever knock?" and stows the stash under her leg. Carmela looks skeptical as Meadow covers with, "Look, tell Brendan that Hunter would rather die than go out with him." Carmela says, "Brendan?" and instructs Christopher to "keep that asshole away from that child, you understand me?" Christopher shrugs that Brendan asked him to do him a favor, that's it. "All right, you delivered the message, now let Meadow study." Christopher slouches past her, and before she's even closed the door, Meadow starts dialing Hunter.
Artie and Charmaine in the kitchen. Artie waxes impressed about how the hospital will christen a Soprano wing or some such nonsense; Charmaine shoots him down by saying she thinks he's "just jealous of their money." Artie asks her to explain why she won't accept tickets to the Caribbean, given out of friendship, because Soprano money is tainted, but she'll cater a fancy party and take tainted money for that. Charmaine says the party's different, because Artie's a chef and he's doing his job. Good, Artie says; then she won't object to Tony's fronting him some money for a new place, "because he offered." Charmaine gives him a "you've got to be kidding" look, and Artie teases her, "Now, look at that face." Charmaine, almost laughing at his naïveté: "Oh god, Arthur, don't tell me that you took money from Tony Soprano." Artie asks how it's different from the party: "I'm a chef, I need a place to cook." Charmaine splits another hair, saying that she's "offering Carmela [her] support" and that at least the party "is for a very reputable cause," but to have Tony for a partner "would mean the end of everything." Artie bitches that nobody else has offered them anything except the Sopranos, and he gesticulates with a piece of food, and she tells him to watch what he's doing. Artie snaps his towel in frustration.
The benefit. Carmela, kitted out in white silk with her hair whorled up, frets to a hospital board member about the party and asks the woman if she likes the food. The woman says she's so busy schmoozing that she hasn't had time to eat, so Carmela tells her she can't miss the veal tonnatas, and she calls out for Charmaine, who's across the room with a serving tray talking to some other guests. When she gets Charmaine's attention, we get another close-up on Carmela's manicure as she officiously beckons Charmaine over to her, the same way she did the Polish maid. Charmaine's face hardens briefly, but after arranging her face into a patient smile, she heads over to Carmela.
Trunk-cam shot of Paulie and Silvio stuffing Ariel into the trunk of a luxury car. Much yelling and scuffling before Ariel gets dumped in with the spare tire.
Tony thuds into the kitchen and whispers to Artie that he can't get used to having all these strangers in his house. Artie, arranging a platter, says curtly, "Why'd you invite them?" Tony gives him a "wuh duh fuh?" look. Artie relents and passes him an hors d'oeuvre: "Try one of these." Tony takes a bite, then says in a "what can I tell you" tone, "You're a fucking great cook, Artie." "I cook like this," Artie sighs, "it reminds me of what I lost." He had his restaurant "ripped from" him, "it was like losing a limb," so on and so forth, until Tony almost angrily interrupts, "Enough already," adding that he should forget the past and look to the future, and then he really gets his bitch on and yells that he's sick of hearing about Artie's restaurant, "you depressing fucking jerk!" Artie whaps Tony in the face with a slice of prosciutto and yells, "What the fuck do you know about it?" The prosciutto clings to Tony's eyebrow. Tony starts laughing: "You motherfucker." He bounces what looks like an olive off of Artie's bald head. Artie shrugs and, with great mock seriousness, hurls another slice of luncheon meat at Tony. Tony bounces a roll off of Artie's chest. Then they both start grabbing food and chucking it at each other and giggling. From outside the kitchen, Carmela watches the food fight and smiles faintly; in long focus, Charmaine watches Carmela watching and purses her lips.
A spare room above Satriale's. Paulie and Silvio throw Ariel down on the floor; as he begs for mercy, Silvio tells him that it's too late, and that it's an awful lot he's going through just to avoid granting his wife divorce. "It's not that simple!" Ariel protests, but Paulie corrects him, "Why not? You sign your fuckin' name to a piece of paper." "I don't like you," Ariel tells him, in a display of atrociously misguided bravery. Paulie starts to bitch him out, but Ariel wants to know what he gets out of it: "Do you work for nothing? I don't think so!" Ariel rants about how he sent his wife to Israel, he paid for her plastic surgery, he fed her, he clothed her, he put a roof over her head and tolerated working for her father for twenty years, "and for this I should walk away without a nickel?" Paulie yanks him up off the floor and snaps, "Tough fuckin' luck, ain't it, pal," and starts whaling on him, but Ariel struggles and thrashes about, and Silvio has to clunk him in the back with, well, one of those weighted clunking-in-the-back things in order to subdue him. "He's a bull," says Paulie, breathing heavily. Silvio looks at Ariel's prone body and says that if they don't kill him, "we should put him to work."
Tony comes into a bedroom with a Russian bimbette slung over his shoulder. She makes a big show of giggling and generally liking him for something other than his bankroll as he flings her down on the bed and tells her that "time's a-wasting," and that he's lucky he could get out of the house at all, what with "that party tonight." He's started kissing his way down her stomach when the phone rings. "Shit!" It's Silvio, apologizing for bothering him and reporting that "this thing isn't working out the way [they'd] hoped" with Ariel. As Russian Bimbette tickles Tony's ear, Tony tells him not to say anymore on the phone, he's coming down, and he hangs up and starts to throw on a bathrobe and slippers and tells RB that he has to go. "But you just gotten here," she pouts, and she harangues him in Russian as he repeats that he knows, but he still has to go. Suddenly, Tony pauses mid-dress and stares at a painting on RB's wall; she turns to follow his gaze, and he asks, "What's that painting mean to you?" RB shrugs, "Not'ing -- it just reminds me of David Hockey [sic]." Heh.
Tony gets out of the Suburban wearing a bathrobe and huarache sandals and stomps up the stairs to the room above Satriale's. Silvio, eating a sandwich, offers Tony "something to munch on," but Tony ignores him and bitches at a slumped-in-the-corner Ariel that he knows plenty of guys who would feel happy to get rid of their wives. Silvio says he "tried to explain the realities," but Ariel won't give in: "He says it's principle. I think we gotta, you know [making a gun-unholstering gesture] -- that's why we called you." Tony promised the father-in-law he wouldn't, but Silvio says he doesn't know what else to do, that's why he called Tony. "You're a stupid motherfucker, you know that?" Tony gripes at Ariel. "I've heard it said," Ariel mumbles. Tony asks if he's proud of that. Ariel shrugs that, if Tony kills him, a dark cloud will fall over Shlomo's house, and "either way, there'll be no get unless restitution is made." Tony can't believe Ariel would really let Tony kill him. Ariel tells him the story of the Masada, in which "900 Jews held their own against 15,000 Roman soldiers. They chose death before enslavement." He looks up at Tony and says pointedly, "And the Romans? Where are they now?" "You're lookin' at 'em, asshole," Tony says grimly. Paulie nods. Ariel's gaze doesn't waver, and he starts reciting the Twenty-Third Psalm. Tony tells him to "hold that thought" and brushes past Silvio and his sandwich to sit on the stairs and call Hesh. He tells Hesh that he's "tapped out -- this guy won't listen to reason." Hesh says he told Tony not to get involved with "those fanatics." Tony repeats that Ariel is willing to "go down with the ship" and he doesn't know what to do. Hesh says that Ariel might not mind going to the life, but if he's stuck here on earth, there's one thing no man wants to live without. "What?" Tony says, and then with an evil smile, "Oh." He says it's a brilliant idea. "Make like a mohel, huh?" Hesh says. Tony hangs up and calls up the stairs, "Paulie -- get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk." Then he sing-songs, "Ariel...we're going to Plan B." God, if they go through with Plan B, I really hope they do it off-screen.
At the house, Carmela and Charmaine clean up after the party. Carmela tells Charmaine that "the phone has been ringing all morning" with new social contacts. "Really," Charmaine says, trying to sound happy for her but failing. Carmela says that it's the food that did it, that everyone raved about it; Charmaine smiles tightly as Carmela adds that she couldn't have done it without Charmaine, and having her there "just made it so much fun for" Carmela. Charmaine looks down and says nothing. "Mainie, is something wrong? You got something on your mind or something?" Charmaine dissembles, "What could be wrong?" but she has tears in her voice. Carmela tells her patronizingly that it might not seem that way now, but she and Artie will get back on their feet again soon. "Carmela, I'm fine where I am," Charmaine says defensively, and when Carmela starts to say that that's not what she meant, Charmaine interrupts, "Carmela, I never wanted to tell you this -- it happened so long ago, and you and Tony, you, you weren't even married." When Carmela hears Tony's name, her raised-eyebrow look of expectancy hardens into one of hiding surprise with some effort; Charmaine says that "it's probably silly for me to even bring it up now." "What?" Carmela asks, trying to look unconcerned. Charmaine confesses that one summer, when Carmela went down the shore with her parents "and [she] and Tony were on the outs," Tony called Charmaine. "He did?" Carmela says, still making out like she doesn't find this revelation disturbing, and Charmaine says that one thing led to another, they started dating, and...when Carmela doesn't get the hint from Charmaine's facial contortions, Charmaine just outs with it: "Carmela, I slept with him." Hmm. Gee, why would she bring that up now? Unless, you know, she felt jealous of the Sopranos' money and power and wanted to put Carmela in her place? Oh, right, of course. So anyway, Carmela repeats, "You slept with -- with Tony?" "Really, it wasn't for me," Charmaine says with a dismissive shrug, and as Carmela continues to stare at her, Charmaine tells her, "Carmela, what I'm trying to say -- is stop worrying about me. Really. I mean, we both made our choices, and I'm fine with mine." She turns Carmela's condescending smile back around on her, picks up a box of catering equipment, and leaves with a self-satisfied smirk. Carmela watches her go, still looking like a deer caught in yet another set of her husband's marital-infidelity headlights.
The motel. Tony walks determinedly up the front walk and comes inside to find Silvio and Shlomo arguing. Silvio informs Tony that Shlomo's trying to "pull some bullshit," so Tony snaps at Shlomo, "Hey, ZZ Top -- the guy gave you the get, didn't he?" Shlomo protests that yes, he did, but not because of anything Tony did; Tony scared Ariel by threatening him with castration, so Ariel came to Shlomo on his own and they worked something out, and as a result Shlomo doesn't think he owes Tony the twenty-five percent they'd agreed on. Tony asks Shlomo to "walk with" him, and he slings an arm around Shlomo's shoulders as Shlomo tells him not to worry and tries to give him an envelope of money for his "considerable trouble," but before he can launch into a quote from the Talmud, Tony knocks his hat off and shoves him against the wall, telling him that any deal Shlomo made with Ariel comes out of his end, but they got him the get, and now he'll give them their twenty-five percent and like it. He finishes by shoving Shlomo away from him down the hall and threatening to shove Shlomo's son up Shlomo's ass. Yes, you read that right. Tony and Silvio fold their arms and glower.
Jackie's hospital room. Tony tells Jackie he's got good news; Jackie, distracted, looks at a thermometer. "We're in the motel business -- how d'you like that?" Tony grins; the grin fades when Jackie, who looks truly awful, doesn't answer for a moment, then hands the thermometer to Tony and says, "Read this." "One oh two point seven," Tony says, unconcerned, and hands the thermometer back. Dude, that's a pretty high fever; snap out of it, Tony. Jackie muses that maybe they should take his temperature with "the other machine." Tony doesn't really hear him and keeps rambling on about how Paulie thinks he broke his hand on the guy's head and how they threatened to cut Ariel's dick off, and at the same time Jackie doesn't really hear Tony and mutters something about a digital thermometer and calling a nurse, blah dee blah, and finally Tony acknowledges Jackie's distress by saying impatiently, "Yeah yeah, call 'em," and Jackie rings the call bell and stares dully into the middle distance as an awkward silence falls.
Over at Livia "Depress Your Luck" Soprano's house, Junior helps her hang a picture and mutters, "Poor Jackie." In a tone of undisguised envy, Livia grumbles, "God has his reasons." Junior says sadly that Jackie looks twice as old as Junior does. Livia asks what's really on his mind. Jackie bites out, "This Christopher Moltisanti." Livia, dismayed, asks what about him. Jackie says that Christopher and Brendan slapped him in the face and now "they're hiding behind Tony." Livia says that Tony has always loved Christopher like a son, and so does she: "He put up my storm windows for me one year." Junior stops himself from saying anything else, settling for "good," and hangs a photo of AJ before asking what he should do -- how long should he take it while they humiliate him, "and how far do I go, before I light a match under that hot-headed son of yours?" Livia cedes that "maybe Christopher could use a little talking to, you know...the other one? Filone?" She sits down heavily and shrugs, "I don't know." Junior smiles slowly and points his finger at her, as though that's just what he'd wanted to hear, and tells her, "You've got a lot of sense for an old gal." Livia crabs, "No. I'm a babbling idiot. That's why my son put me in a nursing home." Junior knows there's no arguing with her, so he settles for heaving a sigh.
"He didn't even know I was there," Tony tells Melfi sadly. "It's just him and that fucking cancer." Pause. "It's like he's already gone." "Yes," Melfi whispers. Tony blinks back tears, then says more brightly, "Somebody called me a Frankenstein today." Melfi prompts him to go on, and Tony explains that "this Hasid I'm doing business with...these Hasids, they're out there, you know, but they've got their beliefs. They're not afraid of death. This guy wasn't." Melfi posits that "maybe they have the belief because they are afraid." Tight close-up on Tony as he says he's not afraid of death, "not if it's for something," but in Jackie's case, "to see this strong, beautiful man...just wither away to nothing...he can't do nothin' about it. You can't fight it." Melfi: "Do you envy the Hasids and their beliefs?" Tony says something about "all this shit's for nothing" and blah blah blah what's-the-pointcakes, and Melfi says that that's the mystery of God "or whatever you want to call it," and of why human beings know we're going to die. Heavy, man. Tony puts his hands to his head, sniffles back tears again, and says he doesn't know. Melfi leans forward and asks intensely, "Do you feel like Frankenstein?" Silence. "Like a thing? Lacking humanity, lacking human feelings?" He fixes her with one of his patented skeptical looks. "All Through The Night" fades in over the end of the scene...
...and we cut to Meadow's chorus concert. Tony comes in late, stops in the aisle to gaze lovingly at his daughter, and sits beside Carmela, who doesn't acknowledge him.
Cut to Christopher getting an ice cream. As he unwraps the cone, two guys come out of nowhere to flank him, and they start quietly pounding on him as he struggles.
Back to the concert. Smiling beneficently, Tony takes Carmela's hand and puts it in the crook of his arm. A shot of Meadow and Hunter in their (actually, quite pretty) chorus outfits; as we go into the piano bridge, Carmela stiffly withdraws her hand and wipes her nose without looking at Tony.
Cut to a pier, where Christopher yells "let me go, what're you guys doing" about a hundred times as the thugs drag him, tied up, across the wet planks. They take out their guns and cock the hammers, and Christopher hollers that he knows they're friends with Tony's goomah, they have to listen to him, he had to give Meadow the crystal or she would have gone down to Jefferson Avenue and gotten raped and beaten up, "I don't wanna die now I didn't mean it I'm sorry," on and on with the wailing and sobbing, and the one thug pulls the trigger...click. Christopher's eyes snap open and the thug crosses himself with the gun, and they kick him over on his side and leave him there and walk off laughing, and he lies on the ground crying and shouting, "Fuck!" and trying to untie himself
Cut to a close-up of Hunter -- ouch -- and as we go into another piano bridge, Hunter shoots Meadow a knowing look, which Meadow returns. The two of them look kind of cranked out, but I can't tell for sure. Meadow comes in on cue and does a passable job, as does Hunter. Tony winces sadly but looks proud of her. Another shot of the girls...
...and cut to Brendan in the bathtub, smoking. Fortunately, no nudity. He opens his eyes to see Mikey standing there with a gun and delivering the hopelessly cheesy line, "Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack." Brendan starts to protest. Close-up of his eye widening; close-up of the barrel of the gun silencer discharging; close-up of Brendan's foot twitching in the throes of death. Artsy shot of Brendan's hand in the tub, the cigarette floating to it and a plume of blood curling through the water below. Mikey leaves the bathroom, walking past Junior, who looks pleased.
Back to the concert, with Hunter and Meadow in a duet to finish the song. Tony looks weepy, but at the end, he smiles. End credits.