Woke up this morning, got myself a gun.
Dr. Melfi's office. Awkward silence. Pan over Tony's shoulder and up Melfi's legs to her face, which sports a strangely flirtatious look. Tony, smiling: "You gonna say something or what?" Melfi, also smiling: "It's your time." Tony looks out the window and happens to spot Hesh strolling past verrrrry slowly, and he wigs. Melfi says soothingly that "Heshie…has a three o'clock." "Heshie"? Tony dream-sequences out into the waiting room, and he sees AJ lurking behind a partly-closed door; he peeks through another door to see Silvio with his pants around his ankles, having sex with a brunette in leopard-print undies. Or something. Silvio winks elaborately at Tony, who looks confused. Elsewhere in the room, Paulie lowers his paper to glare at Tony, and we pan over to Pussy, who regards Paulie suspiciously over the top of his bifocals while smoking a cigar. Tony turns back towards Melfi, who now looks out the window with her back to him, and goes back into the office and says to the back of her head, "What the hell's goin' on?" A heartbeat thumps on the soundtrack. "Thunderstorms," says Jackie, suddenly sitting up from a hospital bed as machines beep in the background. Tony stares at him. "Smell it?" Jackie asks. "That's rain." Jackie smokes. Another Psycho-style shot of the back of Melfi's head. As Jackie's machines flatline, Tony demands of Melfi, "What're you doin' to me?" and Melfi turns around to reveal herself as Livia in a brown bobbed wig. Tony jumps back…
…and Tony wakes up in bed with a start. The Russian bimbette mutters something and rubs his shoulder, and he tells her to go back to sleep. Still breathing heavily, he swings his legs out of bed. Issues? Check.
AJ, playing a car-racing video game. Tony comes in and asks why he's still up and whether Carmela went to bed. AJ, not taking his eyes off the TV screen, asks, "Where were you?" and Tony, sporting obvious bedhead, tells him a lie about a compactor breaking down before tossing his jacket onto a chair and telling AJ to move over. He sits down on the floor to AJ and grabs a game controller and grouses that "this thing ain't steerin' right," and AJ murmurs, "I'm kicking your butt." Tony asks, "So how things going with you?" No answer. "How's school?" Still no answer. AJ resets the game and tells his father to concentrate. Tony puts a hand over AJ's eyes, and AJ tries to wrestle free as Tony tells him, "It's called a handicap," and Tony's car passes AJ's as AJ continues to whimper "stop" and "get off," and Tony wins and tosses the controller aside and says matter-of-factly, "You lose." He gets up. "Focus through distractions. That's a lesson for you." He tells AJ to go to bed soon: "Andretti, you listening to me?" AJ gives him a small smile: "Good night, Dad." Tony goes upstairs. Father-son bonding? Check.
Over at the hospital, Christopher comes out the automatic doors looking quite the anti-fashion non-plate in baggy shorts, t-shirt, athletic socks pulled all the way up, sneakers, a big old neck brace, and 1987-vintage sunglasses. Adriana, in skin-tight white flares, accompanies him. Christopher is worried about going out in the parking lot, Adriana assures him that nobody followed her, he bitches at her, she calls him paranoid and teases him that Tony's hiding in a nearby trash can, blah bling blah. Christopher drags her back inside and tells her all melodramatically that "it could be anybody, anytime," and Adriana points out that Christopher did give crystal meth to Tony's daughter; Christopher says he's not sure Tony knows that. Adriana whines that Christopher hurt her wrist pulling her inside. Christopher bellows, "I'm sorry. I am sorry. But I got dragged out to the Meadowlands, by my neck, mock execution!" Adriana looks sulky. "What?" Christopher demands. Nothing, she says. Christopher insists that she tell him. He doesn't want to know, she says. He says he does. Adriana reluctantly says that she heard the nurse say that Christopher "made number two in [his] pants," and ask if it's true. Christopher flinches, then shouts, "Get the car! Please. Can we just go to Brendan's, score some shit, and find out what the fuck is goin' on? Please!" Adriana takes a drag of her cigarette and looks dubious.
Shot of the inside of the late Brendan's front door. Christopher makes "hello hello" noises from outside. Then he lets himself and Adriana in, grumbling about Brendan leaving the door unlocked, and he looks in the fridge while calling out that Brendan "should have seen" him at the hospital; meanwhile, Adriana goes into the back of the apartment. Predictably, we hear Adriana scream just a moment later, and Christopher walks past her huddled in the doorway to see Brendan in the bathtub, one eye shot out and a fly buzzing around the blood stain to his head. Christopher's face crumples; he clutches his stomach and winces and goes out to hug Adriana.
A school hallway. Pan over to AJ on the phone saying, "Uh huh…uh huh…yeah, that's the message. Thanks." His friend tells him, "Yo, way to go, Ant." Shut up, AJ's friend. AJ, kitted out in a way oversized polo shirt whose sleeves nearly come down to his elbows, does a countdown while looking down the hall at a cluster of other kids, and a beeper goes off. A kid in a yellow shirt who looks a bit older than AJ checks his beeper, then looks up to see AJ and friend stupidly standing beside the payphone and smiling, and he walks over to them; AJ looks apprehensive. "You think this is funny?" Yellow Shirt asks, and AJ's friend says with mock bravado, "What, what's funny?" AJ says he "didn't do nothin'." Yellow Shirt informs him that if AJ beeps him one more time, he's "gonna be sorry." AJ's Friend: "We don't know what you're talking about." Yellow Shirt sneers, "'Your mother blows,' that's a real original message," and AJF suggests that maybe Yellow Shirt's mother does in fact blow, and he and AJ start laughing, and AJ, whose mondo geeko bowl haircut is having continuity issues in addition to its customary dork-out issues, shrugs, "Yeah."
But Yellow Shirt wants to know, "Oh yeah? Then why'd you scarf up all the donuts she sent us at camp? And you used to cry on her shoulder -- 'Oh, I'm so homesick, Mrs. Piocosta'!" The other kids in the hall start laughing, and AJ takes a step towards Yellow Shirt and tells him to shut up, and he gives Yellow Shirt a shove. Yellow Shirt rolls his eyes, shoves AJ back, and tells him to "have another donut, you fat fart-knocker." Heh -- "fart-knocker." AJ takes a swing at Yellow Shirt, which Yellow Shirt easily ducks, punching AJ in the stomach and slamming him into a row of lockers as the other kids cheer. They tussle; Yellow Shirt thumps AJ to the floor. Other kids watch while making fake punching motions in the air, staring at the fight impassively, or rolling their eyes. AJ and Yellow Shirt roll around on the ground in a clinch. An assistant principal materializes and yells at them to break it up and says he wants "a five-minute cool-down period, right now." AJ pulls at the collar of his shirt, which has gotten torn. Yellow Shirt glares at him. The bell rings.
Tony walks down the hall at a clinic of some kind. He sees Silvio further down the hall, blanches, and ducks into a random office. As the man in said office asks if he can help Tony, Tony peeks out to make sure Silvio has left without seeing him. He proceeds down the hall tentatively, and reads the sign on the door that Silvio just came out of: "DENTAL OFFICE." Relieved, he bonks his head lightly on the door across the hall; a sign to that door reads, "Jennifer Melfi, M.D." Zoinks.
Melfi's office. Tony's having "second thoughts" about "this whole thing, this whole arrangement." He complains that he comes there, he tells Melfi things, "and I don't know how safe it is." He keeps looking over his shoulder at the door. Melfi reminds him that she told him the ground rules, and as long as she doesn't hear anything incriminating -- "you don't fucking get it," Tony interrupts her. "Just my being here incriminates me. Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else, all of a sudden I'm a celebrity." Melfi comments mildly that she thought they'd made some progress on Tony's narcissism. Heh. Tony snorts, "Who are you?" and flops back in his chair. Melfi asks why it's important for him to know that, and Tony shoots back that his mother taught him never to answer a question with a question; Melfi observes that Livia taught Tony something after all. Tony says that if he asked Melfi who she talks to, who she trusts… "I'd have to take the Fifth," she finishes gently. Tony smirks, "That's cute." Melfi realizes the pun she just made, and she starts laughing and apologizing. She manages to straighten her face, but Tony glowers.
Schoolyard. Adriana strides over to Meadow and Hunter and tells Meadow that Christopher sent her to pick Meadow up. Meadow starts babbling: "Did something happen" blah blah blah "it must be my dad, right" blah blah blah search warrant blah blah blah fishcakes, and she flounces into the front seat. As soon as she closes the door, still blathering on about the FBI, Christopher lurches forward from the back seat, grabs her arm, and roars into her ear, "You told your old man, didn't you?" Meadow bitches that he scared her to death, then spots the neck brace and asks what happened to him. Christopher snarls, "This is me and Adriana movin' to Florida because some crankhead puke couldn't keep her mouth shut." Bwa! "What are you talking about?" Meadow screeches, and Hunter sticks her head in the passenger window and asks, "Seriously -- did Brendan say anything about me?" Yeah, Hunter. Brendan said something about you. He said that your face could scare the paint off a new car. Now shut up already. "Get us out of here, get us out!" Christopher bellows at Adriana, and she peels out of the parking spot while Christopher keeps shaking Meadow's arm and demanding hoarsely, "What did you tell your old man?" She squalls that Christopher is insane, if she told Tony he'd have her "beaten up," and Christopher shakes her some more and yells, "Don't you! Get it! This…is…serious!" and Adriana squeals through the parking lot and screeches to a stop, and Meadow wails, "Let go of me!" and Adriana tells Christopher to "stop this shit," and Meadow half-sobs that Tony is worried about Christopher: "He's been asking where you've been, you asshole." "I'm sorry if I hurt you," Christopher says quietly. "I hate my life -- being a Soprano," Meadow whines. Christopher tells her never to say that she hates life: "That's blasphemy." "Fuck you," Meadow snaps, and although Adriana raises an eyebrow at her, for once I'm with Meadow; shut up, Christopher. Christopher offers to buy Meadow a Happy Meal to make it up to her; Adriana makes a snide comment.
AJ is trying to kill a bug…or something…with his baseball mitt…and he's jumping around on his bed and flailing ineffectually at the bug…I guess…when Carmela comes in with the fugly polo shirt in hand and snips, "This is a new shirt. Your grandmother bought you this shirt, I find it in the trash?" "It's a Westport. It's not even cool anymore," AJ tells her. "What did you just say?" Carmela demands. AJ admits that he got into a fight. Carmela hopes that AJ did as much damage to the other guy's wardrobe, and asks who he got into a fight with. AJ says hopefully that he didn't get caught, "no demerits," but Carmela isn't put off so easily: "Anthony, who?" AJ sighs, "Jeremy." Carmela is shocked; AJ and Jeremy "spent all that time together at camp -- I thought you were friends." Oh, the cluelessness of parents about their kids' friendships. AJ stares at her blankly, and Carmela announces that "if that's all the information I'm getting, I'm calling Mrs. Piocosta." AJ jumps down from the bed and follows her into the hall, begging her not to call. Carmela says the kids have to learn the value of a dollar -- pretty ironic considering the amount of tacky gold she's got hanging off her right now, but anyway, AJ offers to wash her car. "You never put any effort in," she says dismissively. AJ swears he will this time, "just don't call." Grudgingly, she agrees. AJ watches her go and sighs.
The common area of the nursing home -- oh, sorry, "retirement community." Tony visits Livia and brings her macaroons. Livia starts to exclaim happily over them, then remembers that she hates everything and rearranges her face into a sneer, grumping, "Ahhhh, they're too sweet." She waves a hand and goes to sit down on a couch. Tony snaps, "What are you talkin' about, they're your favorites!" Realizing it's fruitless, he gives up for once, taking a seat on the sofa and changing the subject; he heard from the activities director that there's a trip to the city planned to see a show. Livia waves a hand again. Tony finishes, "And you don't wanna go." "I don't like the people here." "You don't know the people here." Livia starts listing the horrors of the city, and Tony points out in his usual tone of asperity that "it's not like that anymore, Ma," but she goes on talking about grown men soiling themselves and women pitching babies out of skyscraper windows and whatnot, and when Tony tries to suggest mingling with the other seniors, Livia snorts, "What do you care? Out of sight, out of mind!" Tony says he doesn't think like that, and neither does Carmela and neither do the kids. Livia moans in a tiny voice, "I wish the Lord would take me now." Yeah, get in line. Tony looks at his hands, closes his eyes for a long moment, and says, "You know, I come here to get cheered up, you think that's a mistake?" Hee. Livia asks if he's "being sarcastic." Tony says she can't put all her problems on him: "This is the most expensive retirement community in New Jersey, and if you wanted to, you could be happy here, but you're just pissin' it all down the drain." Livia busts on him for his language; Tony gives her an angry look, and Livia looks away. "You want the macaroons?" Hand wave: "I don't care." Tony heaves himself to his feet and reaches for the box; Livia bites her lip and suggests, "Leave some out for the lunatics." Tony dumps a few cookies unceremoniously into a bowl and kisses Livia goodbye.
Tony goes to his car and spots a disheveled John Heard, a.k.a. Detective Vin Makazian, taking a whiz in the bushes. Tony throws a pebble at him and then bitches him out for defiling the property: "My mother lives here." Makazian shrugs that it's an hour from his office and it's "inconvenient," and Tony sarcastically apologizes and suggests meeting down by Makazian's precinct instead. Makazian snaps, "What've you got for me?" Tony hands him a piece of paper with Melfi's name on it; he wants to know her routine, her background, but when Makazian asks why, Tony tells him it's "none of your fuckin' business." Makazian vents a little about his low income and two alimonies, and Tony tells him he doesn't want Melfi touched or bothered, "just the who-when-why, that's it." More back-and-forth about Makazian's gambling debts and whether Tony will lay off the vig. Makazian angles for, and gets, a macaroon.
Jackie's hospital room. The boys have gathered around the bed; Silvio mutters, "I can't deal with this." A shot of Jackie, purple-lidded, sleeping. "What kind of God? Huh?" Tony mumbles. Enter Christopher; Tony jumps up and snaps, "Where've you been?" He takes in the sight of Christopher -- shiny Adidas shirt, neck brace, gold pendants wedged in under neck brace -- and pats his face and asks what happened, and Christopher chokes out, "Brendan's dead." Tony: "What're you talking about?" Jackie mumbles incoherently. Christopher says that "Brendan's brains're floating in his bathtub" and that it's "a message job -- through the eye," and Pussy makes a comment about Moe Green, and Tony grumps, "Fuckin' Uncle Junior," and Paulie doesn't know what Pussy's talking about so Pussy explains the subplot from The Godfather and they quibble over it, and Christopher mentions that Mikey Palmice does hits for Junior, and Jackie babbles that "I'm at the World Trade Center," and everyone stops talking for a moment to stare at Jackie. Then Christopher takes a gun out and cocks it. Tony asks him what he's doing; Mikey's "a made guy." Christopher growls that Mikey "didn't have the balls to do it himself, [he] contracted these fucking Russians [the guys who beat Christopher up in the episode] and he killed my friend." He storms out. Tony follows. Silvio mutters something about sending a message, then confirms that getting shout through the mouth "means the guy was a rat." Paulie says conversationally that "through the eye is just how Francis [Ford Coppola] framed the shot. For the shock value." Heh. I love Paulie.
Out in the hall, Christopher argues that "Brendan didn't deserve this, so don't try to talk me out of it," but Tony tells Christopher again that he can't mess with Mikey. Paulie comes out with two cents in hand as Christopher goes on to say that "your fucking uncle is pissing on your head, what do you expect me to do?" Paulie says that he's "on it, T" -- he knows where Mikey lives. "No," Tony says, pointing at Christopher, "he tries to leave, you break his other neck." He thumps Paulie on the shoulder and leaves.
As he waits for the elevator, Tony eyes a workman hammering something on the ceiling, and Tony and the camera both zoom in on a staple gun sitting on the scaffolding. Foreshadowing? Check.
Cut to Mikey, chilling in his car. Tony gets out of his car, parked behind Mikey's, and makes with the jocular: "Hey, Mister GQ, you got a ticket. How you doin', Mikey?" Mikey makes uncomfortably polite noises and starts to get out of the car; Tony punches him in the face, knocks him down, and keeps punching him as Mikey groans in pain, "Son of a bitch!" Tony notes that Mikey's suit is ripped, offers to fix it for him, and does so by staple-gunning Mikey's torso; Mikey continues to writhe and struggle. Tony bitch-slaps Mikey once more for good measure, snapping, "This is overdue," and stalks off, wiping off the staple gun with his jacket and dropping it in the street.
Uncle Junior, eating pizza and amusing his boys with a racist joke. Tony barges up to him: "You gonna stop this before it gets outta hand?" Junior, trying to look like a nice guy: "Not even a hello?" "I'm here 'cause I love you, and I respect you," Tony begins grimly, but Junior loses the smile and cuts him off: "Don't pretend you're paying me respect. A son who throws his mother in an insane asylum. She lives like a poverett' up there." That's none of Junior's business, Tony says, but Junior shoots back that Tony's friends interfere in Junior's business and he's expected to turn the other cheek. Tony argues that they made good on the truck, but Junior isn't having it: "I'm sittin' here like patience on the monument, waiting for discipline to be handed down." Tony snarls that he runs his crew his way, and what Junior did "was extreme." Junior tries to pull rank on Tony, but Tony scoffs that he'd like to see Junior take it to Jackie "on his deathbed." Junior thinks for a minute, then asks, "That nephew of yours we gave a high colonic -- he earns good?" Tony doesn't get it, but agrees, "He's comin' up." Junior announces that Christopher now works for him. "Excuse me?" Tony asks in disbelief. "Maybe he gives you agita for a change," Junior smirks. Tony tells Junior he's got some nerve: "Absolutely not." Junior gets to his feet and trots out a Livia line: "I show you my hand, and you slap it away." Tony draws him close and asks what's the matter with him, why can't they talk anymore, and Junior makes with the furious calm: "Out. time you come in, you come heavy or not at all," and sits back down. Tony curls his lip and says with a forbidding smile, "You don't mean that." Junior flicks his eyes in Tony's direction but doesn't answer. Tony leaves the restaurant.
Makazian's car. His partner wants to know, "Why are we following these people?" Apparently, Melfi and her friend had a meal and went to a movie and stopped at a package store, Makazian lies that the same make and model of car left the scene of a triple homicide on Long Island, blah dee blah blah blah. In the other car, Melfi and her date -- a total Hey, It's That Guy! named Mark Blum who played Rosanna Arquette's husband in Desperately Seeking Susan, and I can't tell you how long it took me to remember that, and how proud I felt when I came up with it after rummaging around in my brain for twenty minutes, and yes, I know it's pathetic -- share inane flirtation on the subject of the men's movement. Fortunately, Makazian's siren cuts it short. Makazian, who seems to have one tied quite firmly on, swaggers up to the window and asks for Mark's license and registration. He gives Mark guff for crossing the double line and makes him get out of the car and do the drunk-driving test; Mark protests politely. Makazian orders him to open the trunk. Mark, a lawyer, asks snidely if Makazian has ever heard of something called probable cause, and Makazian makes a hand gesture in Mark's face, and when Mark swats Makazian's hand away, Makazian says, "Ooh, resisting arrest," and punches Mark in the stomach. "Hey!" yells Melfi from the front seat as Mark crumples to the ground and Makazian starts kicking him viciously.
Makazian's partner tells him to "fucking cool it," and Melfi comes bombing out of the car, yelling, "He can't do that! He didn't do anything wrong!" The partner herds her back into the car as Makazian keeps booting Mark in the ribs. Then Makazian stomps on Mark's ribcage on his way back to the cruiser and orders his partner to bring Mark in for DUI, resisting arrest, and assaulting an officer; the partner doesn't want to, but Makazian booms, "Do it!" so the guy does it. Melfi gets out of the car again while Makazian opens the trunk; when she gets to the back of the car, he makes a move toward her, and she backs away, threatening, "Don't you touch me," and Makazian leers, "You got prime rib at home! Don't be goin' out for hamburgers!" "What? What are you talking about?" The partner hauls a bloodied Mark to the cruiser. Melfi calls after him that she'll follow him to the station in his car, and tells Makazian she's going to call her lawyer, "you fuck, you!"
day. Makazian reports on his findings to Tony. Mark's a lawyer; he's divorced, two kids; he's "the country-club type." "What about her?" Melfi gets in at eight, leaves at six, has a tuna sub and a diet Coke for lunch, lives in Essex Fells and shops at Pathmark, divorced with one kid, so on and so forth: "Outside of schmucko, she don't get out much, but she does see a shrink." Tony doesn't believe it, but Makazian confirms it -- Elliot Kupferberg, once a week. Tony grumbles; Makazian adds that Melfi leaves her blinds open, so he took some "Victoria's Secret-type snaps" of Melfi, "if you're interested." Ew. Tony glares at him. "Good enough, then?" Makazian asks. Tony shrugs yes, and after some more sniping about Makazian's gambling habit, Tony leaves.
Tony and some boys we've never seen before sit around eating lobster and cracking on Mikey. Tony says that Junior is stubborn. "Stubborn enough to go to war?" asks one of the boys, who looks like a fat version of the animated character Johnny Bravo. The others look to Tony for his reaction; he basically tells Johnny Bravo to step off. Larry Boy Barese (you might remember him as Sonny Bunz from GoodFellas) pipes up that "there hasn't been a war since the Columbo thing. Everybody agreed," and another guy says that nobody "goes to the mattresses" nowadays. Tony bitches that if Jackie hadn't gotten sick, none of this would have happened, and somebody's got to step up and take control, and the others agree with him. Tony tries to convince Another Guy to take the reins, but he doesn't want to; AG's got an eighteen-year-old with MS, and besides, the Apriles have had Tony slotted for the boss job from day one. Tony accuses AG of just not wanting to get pinched, which AG doesn't deny. Larry Boy suggests running the family as a council, but Johnny Bravo rejects that idea. AG says Tony will have to duke it out with Junior to get the job if he wants it, and Tony says no way; he loves his uncle, and besides, "he's got New York behind him." Larry Boy says he's got nothing against Junior, but "he's living in the wrong century, and New York knows it." Johnny Bravo and AG both tell Tony he'll get there eventually: "It's inevitable." Tony gestures with his claw fork: "I don't want no disturbance."
AJ in the hall at school. He accidentally bumps into Jeremy Piocosta and asks, "What's up?" "Nothing," Jeremy says. AJ bets Jeremy told his mother what happened; Jeremy scoffs, "What are you, high?" AJ shrugs that Jeremy owes him forty dollars for the shirt, but Jeremy says AJ still owes him for the bottle rockets on the Fourth of July. AJ snaps that he paid for those, but Jeremy argues, "Not for the M-80s -- remember, the ones we blew up the frogs with?" AJ remembers: "Oh yeah. That was pretty cool." Jeremy smiles too: "Yeah." But AJ has to ruin the moment by saying, "Listen -- just give me the money." Jeremy snorts, "That thing was so gay, I did you a favor!" Word. "You're gonna do it," AJ says, trying to sound menacing, but Jeremy isn't menaced: "Make me, fatty." He pushes past AJ, who cuffs him on the back of the head, and after some more name-calling, Jeremy punches AJ in the face and they start fighting again until their respective friends drag them apart. More name-calling; Jeremy challenges AJ to a fight the day at three. AJ, nose bloodied, tries to look brave.
Tony at a nursery, trying to get the guy at the counter to give him some illegal DDT. It's not working, but Tony gets distracted by the sight of Jeremy's father and calls out to him. After a bit of small-talk, during which Mr. Piocosta uneasily eyes the axe in Tony's hand, Tony suggests that the fathers and sons get together for a barbecue, and Mr. Piocosta stammers that he doesn't think the boys "are close anymore" and tries to get out of it, but Tony doesn't get the hint, so Mr. P makes "that's great" noises and basically runs away from him. Real subtle, Mr. P.
At home, Tony starts to put away groceries, but only gets through one bottle of product-placed Mott's before getting the heebies and keeling over. Carmela comes running downstairs to help him, saying she thought the medication would help the panic attacks. "It does," Tony gasps, sitting down at the breakfast bar, and Carmela clucks that the doctor should increase Tony's dosage. Tony says he'll take care of it. Carmela asks if the therapist asks questions "about our marriage," and then covers for that inappropriate show of curiosity by saying that she knows Tony has a hard time talking about personal feelings. Tony bitches that "that's all we do is talk," then looks away: "Carm, I'm gonna quit." "Did you bring this up with him?" she asks (she still thinks Tony's therapist is a man). "He knows, I guess." Then Tony realizes (or says he does in an attempt to get rid of Carmela) that he forgot to take his Prozac that morning, and he asks Carmela to go get it for him, but Carmela doesn't go right away, staring at him blankly for a moment and brushing her intricate bangs out of her face with one long fingernail before saying she knows that, with Jackie sick, Tony's "under tremendous pressure," but she thinks that if therapy didn't hurt, "it wouldn't be helping." Tony says she doesn't understand, and Carmela gets angry and says that if he gives up now, she's "gonna have to reevaluate things." An irritated Tony reminds her that he doesn't have the average job, so he can't just de-stress about it like an average guy: "I gotta spell it out for you?" "It's our marriage, Tony!" she shrews, but Tony snarls, "It's too much exposure." She snarls back that fine, then, he can live with the results. Tony raises his brows: "What is that, a threat?" "No, Tony, it's a rave review," she snipes. "Get your own fucking pills." She stomps off, and Tony shakes his head.
Melfi asks how long the attack lasted. A few seconds, Tony says; he got dizzy and out of breath, but didn't pass out this time. "Anything since?" No. Melfi will write him a short-term scrip for Xanax to get him through the couple of days, but Tony doesn't seem to hear her and kvetches about how Junior has him "in a box," doing something he doesn't want to do. Melfi watches him without blinking as he adds that he pays four grand a month for Livia's retirement community, "and she acts like I'm an Eskimo, pushin' her out to sea." Melfi says that Livia's testing Tony, "same as your uncle." "Like little kids," Tony spits. Melfi suggests a book on the topic of dealing with elder family, but Tony blows it off, saying that reading puts him to sleep. Melfi keeps trying, explaining how the book could help and adding, "Would it hurt you to let your mother think she's still in charge?" She says that Tony has kids, he knows what it's like, and sometimes you have to give them the illusion of having control. Tony appears to consider this.
Christopher, still neck-braced, gets out of his car to talk to one of his dealers, who says he heard what happened, including the part about Christopher crapping himself. Christopher ignores this and asks for his cut, but the dealer tells him that Junior's boys came and took it: "They said you was out and this was they corner now." Christopher wants to know why the dealer didn't argue; the dealer doesn't argue with a Smith & Wesson. Good policy. "Sorry, man," the dealer shrugs. "Business." Christopher pretends not to mind and pats the guy on the shoulder, then knocks him down; after a few kicks and slaps and a mock-garroting, Christopher tells the dealer that it's still his corner, and if he gives up the cut to anyone but Christopher, Christopher's "coming back for your thumb." More kicking, then Christopher picks the dealer's pocket and heads out.
Before the fight. AJ's friend gives him advice; AJ tells AJF he's just making him nervous. AJF offers AJ a PowerBar; AJ tells him to shut up. A guy who looks remarkably like the kid who played Lardass in Stand By Me calls out, "He's coming." Enter Jeremy. A High Noon moment with the two of them staring at each other and other kids staring at the two of them. Jeremy reaches slowly into his pocket, pulls out his wallet, unfastens the Velcro (heh), and pulls out forty bucks. "What the hell is that?" "Just take it," Jeremy grunts. "I'll fight you for it," says moron AJ, who would clearly get his ass kicked if any of his fights with Jeremy lasted more than fifteen seconds and who should take the opportunity not to get pasted before Jeremy changes his mind. "I can't," Jeremy says impatiently, and when AJ asks why not, Jeremy gestures with the money and snaps, "Just take it!" Finally, AJ takes it, but not before sniping, "I knew you'd chicken out." Shut UP, Chunky Style! Jesus! Jeremy and I make "whatever" faces, and Jeremy walks off. The other kids clap half-heartedly. "He chickened out. He's scared," AJ tells his friend, sounding like he doesn't quite believe it himself, and some other kid snorts, "Oh yeah. He's real scared of you," like, word, Other Kid, but AJF hoists AJ's arm in the air all Burt Young in Rocky and congratulates him on winning, but the other kids all roll their eyes at AJ and scatter, and AJ and his friend take off in the opposite direction, and the camera pans up to show them walking alone across a baseball diamond.
Bada Bing's. Boobs. Buttocks. Tony tries to read the book Melfi recommended, then surreptitiously checks his watch and busts out the Prozac. As he washes it down with a slug of Scotch, his attention is drawn to a TV broadcast announcing that Jackie Aprile died earlier that afternoon. The TV shows a mug shot of Jackie, and Tony yells for someone to turn the music off; Pussy and Paulie turn around to look at the TV. The girls drift to a stop. After the report ends (and I'm impressed by the producer's use of real-life NY1 broadcaster Annika Pergament for this segment), Tony begins to cry: "Goddammit, I was just there, he told me he wouldn't go today." One of the girls, a blonde, announces in a Southern accent that "I'll never forget where I was this day," and she folds her hands reverently over her naked breasts and bows her head. Snerk. Shut up, naked blonde. The boys all hug and sniffle, and Tony makes a toast: "To a great man, a great leader, a great friend. To Jackie. Buon' anima," and they clink glasses.
Christopher barges in just then to ask if Tony heard what happened. "Yeah, just now," Tony whispers. That's not all, Christopher bitches; when he went to Yo Yo Mendez's corner, Mendez told him it's not Christopher's corner anymore, it's Junior's. Paulie points out that maybe now isn't really the best time to start in on this, but Christopher won't listen: "I say we go to DefCon 4." Tony says quietly that he has to "assess this," but Christopher flames out and snarls that it isn't the fucking Senate, and Tony snaps that it doesn't concern Christopher, but Christopher thinks it does, ignoring Pussy's warning hand and saying that he represents Tony "out there" and blathering on about the final scene of Scarface. "Always with the scenarios," Silvio mutters. "You don't do something, I gotta question your leadership," Christopher tells Tony. Nice one, moron. Silvio feels the same way I do, closing his eyes and waiting for the fight to start. Sure enough, Tony grabs Christopher by the neck and asks where he gets the balls to question Tony's leadership. "Agh," Christopher says. Tony shakes him by the neck and threatens to rip his head off. "You're the boss," Christopher gurgles. That's right, Tony says, "and you're lucky a man I love died today," and he lets Christopher go and stomps off. Christopher kicks some furniture while the others look anywhere but at Christopher, and Pussy mutters something about "the war of '99," and Christopher suggests going with Tony but Paulie snaps, "You do what you're told, when you're told!" "Adios, Junior," Silvio says with a sigh.
The Sit Tite. Tony pulls up in the Suburban, leaves it in the street, and loads a nine millimeter before heading inside. He comes in with his hands above his head and says he needs to talk to Junior: "I came in heavy, just like you said, but I don't wanna use it." Junior's boys slink away from the table; Tony takes a seat. Silence for a moment. Tony: "Our friend Jackie has died." "I heard." "And we need a leader." "We do," says Junior, his tone opaque. Tony doesn't want any confusion or misunderstanding. "Yes," Junior prompts him impatiently. "Sopranos have been waitin' a long time to take the reins," Tony says intently. Junior doesn't answer, just stares back at Tony. "That's why I want it to be you, Uncle Jun." Junior tries not to smile, and almost succeeds; his gaze flickers and he asks, "This is your decision?" "It is." Junior, gruffly: "Do you speak for the captains?" "I can," Tony says quietly. Junior lets himself smile at last, and they hug, and Junior admits that Tony "had [him] worried there," and Tony jokes that he'd never mess with "a guy like you -- what, you been pumping iron?" and they hug again, but as they hug, Tony holds Junior by the head and whispers in his ear that he "can't be perceived to lose face," so he's asking for Bloomfield and the paving union. He pulls away to look at Junior's face; Junior nods. More hugging.
AJ comes into Meadow's room; she nags him to take his shoes off first, and after shucking them off, he comes to sit on her bed and confides that he nearly got in a fight with Jeremy Piocosta that day. "I take French with his brother, he's such a poser," Meadow says comfortingly. I must say, I don't hate Meadow in this episode. Then again, she's barely in it. AJ explains what happened -- that Jeremy backed out of the fight, and when that other kid said sarcastically that Jeremy's real scared of AJ and AJ asked what that meant, everyone laughed. "Duh," Meadow prompts him, but AJ still doesn't get it, so Meadow asks him, "What do you think Dad does for a living?" "Waste management," AJ says, but Meadow says, "Do you know any other garbagemen who live in a house like this?" "Uncle Jackie," AJ says in a so-what tone of voice. Meadow asks AJ to think about why they call him Uncle Jackie "when he's not even related." AJ doesn't have an answer, so Meadow tells him, "He's in Dad's 'other family.'" AJ still looks blank. Meadow calls him over to her computer and brings up a Web page called "Megabytes Of Bad Guy" (M.O.B. -- geddit?); the site has a picture of John Gotti on the front and a bullet-hole background. Meadow says she'll print it out for AJ. AJ looks horrified as Meadow scrolls through the pages. Moment of truth? Check.
Melfi comes to Mark's front door. After peeking all paranoid through the curtains, Mark finally answers the door; Melfi arranges her cleavage artfully and tells him with a bright smile that she "tried calling." Mark, sporting a wicked shiner, says the phone's off the hook and invites Melfi in. Before he shuts the door, he checks the front yard. "I guess we won't be going to dinner," Melfi jokes, and Mark confesses that he's worried and he thinks he's losing it; a guy gave him a look at the donut shop that morning, and he started freaking out. Melfi sits on the arm of the sofa and strokes his back, telling him that he's "been through a very traumatic experience," and he admits that he's afraid to go outside: "I've got this crazy idea that…I'm being followed." Melfi looks concerned as Mark begins to blabber on about The Doors and "People Are Strange" and Jim Morrison dying in the bathtub at age 27, and she suggests he see a PTSD specialist. Good idea; that movie sucked serious ass. Oh, she means his attack. Got it. When he asks her if she couldn't prescribe something, she snorts, "I'm your date, not your doctor," and Mark blithers, "Yeah, right, yeah."
In his room, AJ reads M.O.B. printouts, then crawls sadly under the covers and stares at a photo beside his bed of himself and Tony and a big fish. Then he turns out the light, and bars of light and dark from the blinds fall across the photo. Oooooh, symbolism.
Tony VOs that he saw his first dead body when he was fifteen or sixteen. We cut to Melfi's office, and Melfi spacing out while Tony talks. Tony notices and asks if she's okay, and she says she guesses she's had a sheltered existence. "How so?" She says she's in her office ten hours a day and she's lost touch with the rage in American society, "the casual violence." "Your voice is all tight," Tony tells her, pleased with himself for having caught that. After thinking it over for a moment, Melfi shares the fact that a friend of hers got beaten up; when he hears the part about a police officer doing the beating, Tony's eyes narrow, but he says in a tone of casual interest, "Oh yeah?" Melfi goes on to say that the cop seemed crazy or drunk and raved on about prime rib and hamburger: "It was surreal." The mention of prime rib confirms for Tony that she must mean Makazian, and he mutters under his breath, "Fucking moron." Not far enough under his breath, though; Tony looks up to see Melfi staring at him like a deer in the headlights, and he quickly covers by chuckling that it, you know, sounds like the guy's a fucking moron. Melfi accepts this, adding that Mark is filing suit against the city and that the incident ruined her relationship with him. "I'm sorry," Tony grunts. Melfi sighs that it's not Tony's fault. Then she apologizes for veering off-topic, calling it "very unprofessional," and Tony says he understands: "You had your wits scared outta you." She doesn't notice this slip-up -- after all, he'd have no way of knowing she even witnessed the attack -- and asks if the Xanax is working. Tony says he hasn't had any more panic attacks. "But you still have your doubts?" "About therapy? No no no. I'm giving it another chance. A lot of good ideas here," and he smiles, clearly thinking of the Junior situation. Melfi looks confused but nods, "Okay."
Jackie's funeral. Silvio wants to know why it's a good idea to make Junior the boss, and Tony tells Silvio to look at Junior, "he's content" and he thinks he's the shit, so they should just let him keep thinking that. "I'm still worried about the money end," Johnny Bravo mutters. "'Cause that's what you do, you worry," Tony snides. Tony reminds everyone that Junior's happy, he's got the title even though Tony runs the show, and "the house is secure." Silvio refers to "a brand-new lightning rod on top to take the hits," and Hesh nods, "Smart, very smart." Larry Boy says that now Tony has Bloomfield and the union chair as well, and Tony jokes that if he didn't, Larry would fuck him but not respect him in the morning, and everybody laughs. Okay, whatever. The boys watch other associates paying their respects to Junior, who can't stop smiling although he's seated beside Rosalie Aprile and should really make a more concerted effort to look sad. Johnny Bravo grumbles that Tony had better keep the old man in line, and Tony chides him, "Hey, I still love that man. I'm his favorite nephew. Look at him, over there with my ma. Those people went through World War II." Uh. Okay.
A long shot of the cemetery, followed by a grave-cam shot of Tony throwing a handful of earth on the coffin. Others file past the grave and throw handfuls of earth; AJ watches his father from a nearby headstone, arms folded. Tony goes to stand beside Christopher, who mutters, "Check out the government." The two of them look at the federal agents standing by the gate and photographing the proceedings. Tony cracks grimly that they'll get "Uncle Jun's good side." Another shot of AJ, looking on; a shot of Meadow, turning to lift her eyebrows knowingly at him. As organ music starts up on the soundtrack and we go to slo-mo, Paulie whispers in Tony's ear; Junior comforts Rosalie while Mikey stands impassively behind them; AJ studies Tony some more; Tony catches his eye and winks at AJ, and AJ smiles back, but the smile soon fades.