Back room of the club. The boys snack and count money around a table, and on the TV a talking head drones on about John Gotti. Paulie "Walnuts" Gaultieri (yes, I finally figured out his last name) casually changes the channel, and Tony "Cosa Buspar" Soprano grabs the clicker and yells at Paulie through a mouthful of food to "put that back." The talking head asks an unseen interviewee about the situation "on the ground today," and Big Pussy "Who Put The 'Bop' In The 'Bop Shoo Bop Shoo'" Bonpensiero strolls in and dumps more cash onto the table from of a crumply paper bag, and the interviewee describes "confusion" and "a vacuum at the top." Paulie makes a snide comment. Christopher "Perth Dumb Boy" Moltisanti, clad in a stereotypically shiny (and fugly) sweatsuit, tones his bicep with a giant dumbbell and smokes at the same time. What a health nut -- although, to tell the truth, the only thing that gets me through my own workout is the promise of a cigarette afterwards. The interviewee says something about government policy taking nearly twenty years to "behead the crime families," and the talking head asks about a growing disregard for the rules "that used to serve the old dons so well" as Tony and Silvio "Born To Run" Dante stare dully at the money on the table. "Sil," Tony says grimly, "cheer me up, babe." Silvio stands up and delivers Al Pacino's big line from Godfather III: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" He even makes the same melodramatic Ab-Roller hand gesture that Pacino makes in the movie. Heh. The boys laugh. The talking head introduces a former Genovese capo turned government witness and "best-selling author" named Vincent Rizzo, who says of the Mafia that "the party's over," which prompts Tony to scowl and shoot a rubber band at the TV. Pussy and Christopher have a verbal scuffle which doesn't really go anywhere, except to further the impression that Christopher isn't the sharpest needle in the pincushion. Tony and Pussy discuss cloning, Tony saying that he tells his kids "only God can make a life," Pussy reading aloud from an article that mentions cloning Princess Di. In the background, the capo announces that "the golden age, or whatever, of the Mob -- that's gone," adding that "they have only themselves to blame." Paulie takes a sip of scotch and grouses that they must pay "this chiachiadon'" -- basically, "blabbermouth" -- "by the word" as Rizzo posits that drug trafficking "ruined everything" for the Mob, and Christopher groans "oh!" all mock-wounded (he's now moved on to tricep curls). Rizzo talks about guys ratting on each other to avoid prosecution. Silvio asks the other guys if they think the royal family had Princess Di "whacked." Paulie chuckles, "Last time I ever take a fuckin' limo in Paris." "Like you were ever in Paris, Paulie," Christopher snorts, and Paulie informs him haughtily that he "went over for a blow job," and says that Christopher's mother "was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower." He chuckles again, all proud of himself at zinging Christopher, and he repeats the exchange to Silvio word for word: "D'you hear what I told him?" More cloning chit-chat. The TV talking head is pontificating about "the code of silence, or the omertà," and as the boys continue to listen and count cash, Rizzo says that "you're always gonna have organized crime, always," that as long as people have "appetites for" things like gambling, hookers, and drugs, "someone's always gonna surface to serve those needs." Silvio looks disgusted, throws down a brick of bills, gets up, and delivers the line from Godfather III again, and we go to credits.
The cab of an eighteen-wheeler. From the driver's POV, we see two cars on the shoulder, and a guy standing beside the cars, waving his arms. As a salsa singer squeals "¡ay caramba!" in the background, the driver mutters to himself and pulls over, and Christopher pops in the driver's side window with a gun to confirm that the driver has DVD players in the back. "Don't hurt me, man," the driver says, and Christopher tells him that the only people who get hurt "are ones who try to be fuckin' jerk-offs" (which I guess exempts Christopher himself, since he seems to come by his jerk-off-itude naturally) and orders him to get out of the cab "nice and easy." The driver climbs down. The waving guy, a.k.a. Brendan "High" Filone, comes around the front of the truck, also with a gun, and starts blathering on about "quick and painless," and the driver asks them to tie him up so that the trucking company won't think he's in on the hijacking too. Christopher scoffs that they aren't "trying for a merit badge" and they don't carry rope around with them; the driver says he has some rope in the cab, pleading, "Please, I need this job." Christopher rolls his eyes and tells Brendan to get the rope, but the driver wants them to beat him up as well; if he comes out of the robbery unscathed, it'll look suspicious. Christopher can't believe his ears ("you wanna be scathed?"), but he shrugs his assent, so Brendan pops the driver in the nose. The driver goes down in a heap, groaning, "Okay, that's cool, man, thanks," but Brendan thumps him a couple more times for good measure. Christopher contributes a kick in the ribs, then asks Brendan, "Scathed?" Brendan says, "Scathed," and they go back to their cars while the driver writhes on the ground. Yeah, it's violence, and yeah, it's not funny. Still: heh.
Soprano Acres. At the breakfast bar, AJ "Chunky Style" Soprano tells his mom and sister that Mr. Miller's car got stolen right out of its spot in the school parking lot; the teacher had only had the car, a Saturn, for a year. "Bumper" Carmela Soprano makes shocked noises; Meadow "Brats Domino" Soprano shrugs that the security at school is "a joke." Tony comes into the kitchen, and Carmela shares the stolen-car story with him. Tony, attired in a ratty white bathrobe, asks who Mr. Miller is again, and Carmela reminds him sort of testily that he's AJ's science teacher, but Tony barely seems to hear her and starts singing, "When the miller told his tale..." and Meadow rolls her eyes. Carmela continues clucking about the car. Tony points out that "insurance will pay," but Carmela says that "they don't give full value" and teachers don't make a lot of money. Tony still doesn't see why he should care, saying that Mr. Miller can work over the summer vacation, then. Carmela suggests that Tony could help find the car. Tony makes a joke about changing his name from Lo-Jack to Anthony Soprano (heh), but Carmela doesn't find it funny and reminds him that "Pussy's got a body shop," and they could track the car from there. Meadow says she's late and makes to leave. Tony asks AJ what he gets in science. "D plus," AJ says brightly, chewing toast. "I'll see what I can do," Tony grumbles. Carmela sputters that that's not what she meant, and that AJ should "work for his grades," so Tony comes around the breakfast bar and dances her around while singing a few more lines from "Whiter Shade Of Pale," and she rolls her eyes, but it shuts her up; AJ smiles at seeing his parents getting along. Tony leaves the kitchen, humming. Carmela gives AJ the last thing he needs, i.e. more food.
Bada Bing; Pussy and Paulie at the end of the bar. "Technology comes to the Bing," Christopher announces with great fanfare. Silvio appears, Tony comes out of the back, and the boys get ready to go outside with Christopher to get the DVD players; at the same time, the bar phone starts ringing. Tony instructs Georgie the bartender that, if a guy named Serge calls, he should tell Serge Tony will be right back. Georgie whines about the complexities of the new phone system, and Tony bitches at him just to take a message and not worry about the voice mail. Too-long shot of Georgie tentatively poking at the phone with a beefy finger.
Outside, the boys take DVD players out of Christopher's trunk. They have a round table on DVD vs. laser disc, and Tony's perceived reluctance to deal with the new technology causes a short verbal scuffle between him and Christopher. Brendan tries to suck up to Tony by offering to install his DVD player, but Tony blows him off, so Christopher and Brendan make "the fuck?" gestures at each other and Christopher huffs over to Tony and asks in a don't-make-me-turn-this-car-around tone of voice, "Why can't you be nice to Brendan?" "We discussed that," Tony growls, throwing the DVD in the back of his Suburban and slamming the door.
Tony stalks back inside. Georgie tells him he has Serge on the line, and Tony tells him he'll take it at the end of the bar, but of course Georgie loses Serge while trying to transfer the call, and Tony bitches at him. Ah, Mafia Luddite humor. "Now he's not gonna call back," Tony says, sounding like he might cry. Enter Christopher: "Brendan's a good earner, T." Tony says he knows, but he doesn't like "that methamphetamine." Christopher shrugs and lights a cigarette as Tony crabs, "Oh fuck, I gotta call my mother." He steels himself and dials Livia "Bride Of Crankenstein" Soprano, who greets him with a theatrical, "Ohhhh -- look who calls!" She says that she'd wondered when he'd finally call her. Tony says with false cheer that she can stop wondering now, because he's called; after a pause, he reminds her that he called her the day before, so she should have called him back. Livia gripes that she called Tony's house, but an operator answered and she couldn't understand a word the operator said. Tony less-than-patiently explains that that's the answering machine. "Oh, fancy fancy," Livia sneers. She tells Tony to hang on while she turns down the heat under the mushrooms, and she stands up. We hear a "peep," and Livia sniffs the air.
At the club, Tony busts Georgie's chops some more, saying that he and Livia "are like two peas in a pod," and Livia can't "master the phone either," but at least Livia has an excuse: "She's seventy years old." Georgie shrugs all what-do-you-want-me-to-say.
Livia looks out her front window at a postal worker who's futzing around at her neighbor's front door: "What is she doing, now?" In the background, the unmistakable whoomp of something bursting into flame; Livia whiffs the air again, and horror creeps over her face. "Oh my god," she says.
Tony hears her quail, "Oh my gaaaahhhd," and shouts, "Ma!" into the phone.
In the kitchen, Livia waves her hands ineffectually at the fire merrily burning away in the frying pan, and as Tony continues to yell, "Ma -- hey! Ma!" from the receiver, she fills a glass with water and throws it on the flames, which only serves to fan them. Still wailing "ohhhh my gaaaahhhd," she flees the kitchen. "Where the hell is she," Tony grumbles on the other end of the line, and finally Livia picks up the phone again and demands, "Who is this?" Tony uh-duhs, "It's Anthony." She tells him the mushrooms have caught fire, and in the foreground smoke billows up from the fungi flagrantes. Tony tells her to get the fire extinguisher he gave her from under the sink, but she doesn't move, moaning that "oh my gaahhd, the wall's gettin' all black," so Tony switches tacks and tells her to hang up and call 911. Georgie calls over that "the guy's on the second line," at the same time that Livia quavers, "Aren't you coming over?" Tony spits at Georgie to put the guy on hold and tells Livia that he can't come over, he's forty minutes away, and she should hang up and call 911 and then get out of the house. "Ahhh, look at how I live, ah ah," Livia fusses. Christopher and Silvio look on in amusement as Tony tells her yet again to hang up and call the fire department. Livia does so; dialing each individual digit takes her a good five seconds. Tony also hangs up and dials Carmela to tell her Livia's "got a fire in the kitchen." Carmela's in the middle of polishing her nails; after a resigned eye-roll, she agrees to go over and check on Livia. Then Tony clicks over to talk to Serge; in the background, several almost-naked women hover around all concerned while Georgie looks thrilled to have successfully transferred a call. Tony tells Serge he'll have to call him back. "Is your mom okay?" one of the strippers asks. "This shit cannot go on like this," Tony snaps, coming out from behind the bar. On his way out, he passes Pussy and Paulie, and Pussy stops him to ask if he's got a plate number for the teacher's stolen car. Tony stares at him blankly for a moment before brusquely telling him to ask Carmela.
At Livia's, Carmela stands in the living room, hands on her hips; Livia sulks in a chair. Carmela tells Livia she needs help around the house, but Livia doesn't want a "stranger" who "could [sic] care less about doing it right" coming in. Carmela gently says that Livia "need[s] company." Livia grits out, "Now, don't start with that nursing home business again." Carmela attempts to explain that it's not a nursing home, it's a retirement community. Livia waves a hand and sneers. Carmela rolls her eyes and offers to make Livia something to eat; again with the hand wave and the sneer. Carmela sighs, and the massive shoulder pads in her scary rayon blouse seem to slump. She tries again, saying that she's told both Livia and Tony many times that she'd welcome Livia coming to live with them. Livia barely waits for her to finish: "I know when I'm not wanted."
Carmela says flatly that she's just invited Livia to "share" her home, but "if you want me to beg, that's different." Livia gets weepy at the prospect of leaving the house she shared with her late husband, and in response to Carmela's observation that "change can be a positive," she begins to cry in earnest: "He was a saint." She reins it in to ask if Tony is "still having those fits." Carmela corrects her that "they're anxiety attacks" and says that Tony's on medication. Livia closes her eyes and drops her head all "oh, Jesus."
Pussy's body shop. Pussy grouses about pricing; Joe, who runs the place, tells him that "it's been that way for six months." "When was I last here?" Pussy says, throwing a list down on the desk. Joe comes over and says that a shop on Watchung Avenue told him some guys brought in a Saturn the other day and tried to "unload it for parts." Pussy impatiently asks him if he's telling people that "this car's for Tony Soprano, and leave it all in one piece?" Joe says, "Yeah, sure -- it's for the kid's teacher." Joe goes on to say that "one of the goofballs had a uniform on from, uh -- Buttfuck's," and cracks himself up. Pussy arches a brow. Joe means Starbucks, evidently; seems the guy who came in with the car works there. Joe hands Pussy a piece of paper with all the info on it. "I'm fucking Rockford over here," Pussy grumbles.
Cut to Pussy and Paulie in a brightly lit Starbucks, strolling towards the counter like they own the place. Annoying free jazz tootles in the background as the worker bees call out orders like "half-caf latte regulare" (and no, that's not a typo -- one of them actually said "reg-yoo-lar-ay." And while I've strayed onto the subject, sort of, can I share with all of you how much it bugs that The Army Of Starbucks can't just let me order a freakin' large? Like, I walk in, I say I want a large coffee of the day, the girl says, "Venti, you mean. Right, one venti," like, "venti," "large," you know what I meant -- and then she yells out the order like a short-order cook or something: "Venti Arabian Nomad!" or whatever kooky bean they've got going that day. It's a large, people. Stop trying to re-educate me. Damn. Okay, sorry). Pussy orders an espresso and asks Paulie if he wants anything. Paulie asks if they have any "just coffee," and the redhead at the register explains, as if to a small child, that "our café du jour is New Zealand Peaberry" (see what I mean?). Paulie looks at Pussy like "are you kidding me?" and says, "Madon'," and then gestures at the redhead and says dourly, "Whatever." Heh. I love Paulie. Pussy leans on the counter and tells the redhead a shaggy-dog story about how his wife went to the body shop around the corner on Watchung Avenue the other day, and she saw a guy leave his money clip behind; he had black hair and an earring, tall guy, blah dee blah, and he had a Starbucks uniform on. "I'm sorry, sir, but these stores are everywhere," the redhead says. "Yeah, tell me about it," Pussy grumbles. He and Paulie move down to wait for their order to come up, and Paulie bitches that Italian people "invented the shit" like espresso and cappuccino, and now "all these other cocksuckers are gettin' rich off it." Pussy says something placating, but Paulie is getting worked up and continues that it's not just the money, "it's a pride thing," and says that Italians brought the world pizza and buffalo mozzarella and olive oil, and everyone else "ate 'pootsie'" before Italian cuisine came along, "but this -- this is the worst." Pussy tells him to take it easy.
Dr. Melfi's office. Tony tells Melfi that Livia finally agreed to have someone come in during the day; Carmela called an agency and set it up. Poor Carmela, always getting lumped with Livia duty. Anyway, Tony says they found a Trinidadian woman for the job, but he still feels guilty. "Why?" Tony fidgets, then admits that he can't let Livia live with them. Melfi posits that it doesn't seem very practical, "given [Livia's] personality." Heh. Also, word. Tony, not meeting Melfi's eye, lies that "it's my wife -- she won't allow it," but Melfi glosses over this and asks, "Where are your sisters in all of this?" Tony snorts that "they cut it off with her a long time ago; no way she's bunkin' with them." Melfi points out that Tony's "carrying all this guilt," even though Livia doesn't get along "with anyone." Tony shifts in his chair and says, "But she's my mother. You're supposed to take care of your mother. She's a little old lady." "Not to you," Melfi points out. "She's very powerful." "Bullshit," Tony chuckles; Melfi says that Tony credits Livia with "an almost mystical ability to wreak havoc." Tony says that Livia does wreak havoc, and that "you definitely don't want to get her started." Melfi suggests that some people "aren't ideal candidates for parenthood." Tony blows this off: "Come on! She's a sweetie pie." Melfi manages not to laugh outright at this exhibition of deep denial, asking him instead to recount some of the warm, loving experiences he remembers from childhood. A looooooong silence follows as Tony tries to come up with something. At last, he tells a story in which, over thirty years ago, down the shore, his father fell down a flight of stairs and the whole family was laughing, even Livia. Do I need to comment on that? No, I didn't think so. Melfi asks dryly if he has any other experiences to share. "Hey," Tony says defensively, "she's a good woman." He starts ranting about how he's "the ungrateful fuck" because he comes to therapy to bitch about her, and he lets Carmela "exclude her from" his home.
Cut to Tony going up Livia's front walk with a huge guilt bouquet. The Trinidadian caretaker, Perrilyn, lets him in and calls to Livia that he's there. No response. Tony takes the opportunity to tell Perrilyn in a low voice that, while she's there taking care of Livia, "no ganja, okay?" Perrilyn looks rightfully offended. Livia emerges from the kitchen, and Tony presents her with the flowers but Livia walks right past him, snarking, "I'm not dead, unfortunately for some." As usual, Tony tries to bring her around, telling her that he went to Frankie Valli's florist, but also as usual, Livia isn't listening. Perrilyn takes the flowers, and Livia nags her to make sure the bottom of the vase isn't wet. Perrilyn purses her lips in a heroic display of self-control and offers Tony something to drink.
After she leaves the room, Tony leans forward and tries to catch Livia's eye, but she avoids looking at him. He asks, "How's it going today?" "She's stealing," Livia mutters, accusing Perrilyn of taking a plate of Aunt Settimia's -- a plate Aunt Settimia herself stole from a restaurant in Rome. Tony doesn't buy that Perrilyn took it and says mildly, "I don't know, Ma; she seems like a nice person." A shot of Perrilyn arranging the flowers on the dining room table and humming to herself. Livia mutters, "She doesn't fool me for a second." "You sure she took it?" Tony asks, watching Perrilyn move about the kitchen. He says that maybe Livia gave it to a relative and forgot about it: "You keep forcing your possessions on people, thinkin' you're gonna die." "I wish it was tomorrow," Livia quavers. Tony rubs his head as Livia keeps complaining and saying that she doesn't want Perrilyn "around here" and that she can "manage somehow," but Tony won't hear it, saying he's not caving in this time: "She stays." Livia looks away, heaves a sigh, then tells Tony that Junior "Mints" Soprano called looking for Tony: "He sounded agitated."
Satriale's Pork Store. Junior grumps, "Jackie, you're the boss. Tell him to leave Comley Trucking alone." Jackie Aprile "Showers," the acting boss, sits glumly while Junior snipes at Tony about the DVD hijacking and Tony makes excuses for himself and Christopher. Junior doesn't buy Tony's explanation that "Christopher didn't know goin' in," and Tony snaps that Junior should borrow his DVD player and watch Grumpy Old Men, prompting Junior to bristle under his white driving cap and call Tony a "fuckin' funny boy," and when Jackie attempts to interrupt, Tony says he'd thought he and his uncle could work things out instead of having Junior call a sit-down, so Junior jumps all over him about not controlling the guys working for him, and Jackie stares into his coffee and looks dyspeptic as Tony snarks, "Here we go, here we go." Junior needles Jackie for a ruling. Jackie, who looks like he's struggling not to puke all over the table, says that the kids who hit the truck should make restitution to Junior. "Done, it's done," Tony says impatiently. Jackie makes a "will that do?" hand gesture towards Junior, who nods and rolls his eyes, but he can't let it drop: "Christopher Moltisanti's a fucking loose cannon, and that Filone kid, if I ever --" "For this, you get a man out of his sickbed?" Tony asks, indicating Jackie, who objects, "Hey! Fuck that shit." Tony asks Jackie how he's feeling. Jackie, who has his hair blow-dried into a really weird upswept pompadour, jokes feebly that he may be acting boss while his father's in prison, but he wishes someone would let his bowels know, "'cause they don't obey." Tony smiles; Junior has the grace to look chastened. Jackie mutters, "Fucking chemo," and thinks aloud that maybe he should name a successor. Tony: "This day and age, who wants the fucking job?" Junior's face: "Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Oh, wait, I'd better not let that show."
Then Junior fishes for information about the Perrilyn situation, but Tony won't take the bait and says he has to go. He shakes Jackie's hand and hugs Junior; after he leaves, Junior leans over to Jackie and grumbles, "A smoke he hires, for his own mother." Oh, that's a nice way to talk. Unfortunately, it's also true to form. Some of the most virulent, unconsidered racist twaddle I've heard in my life came out of the mouths of North Jersey Italian-Americans. You know that stereotype of Italians hating people of color? It doesn't come from nowhere. And don't write to me all "don't generalize about Italians, Little Miss Waspypants," because I know that not all Italian-Americans hold racist beliefs, but let me tell you, some of the trash I heard Italians talk about black folks would curl your hair, and they didn't confine it to black folks -- Jewish folks, Asians, the Irish, women, gay people, and pretty much anybody else not straight, male, and Italian. One time, this Italian-American kid I barely knew asked me, "So is 'Bunting' a hebe name or what?" I mean, "hebe"? I didn't even know what "hebe" meant, for god's sake, so I said, "What -- 'hebe'? What?" and he went, "Y'know, like a kike or whatever," and then his friends started making fun of him for thinking I had a "hebe" name -- not because using the word "hebe" is laughably wrong, but because "Bunting" doesn't end in "-stein." I could give you a dozen more examples like this, but let's just leave it here: the Italian-American characters on this show say a lot of bigoted crap, and sad to say, that's pretty realistic.
Okay, back to the show. We see one of Junior's guys, Mikey, in a car smoking a cigarette. Tony comes over to bust his chops. Referring to the DVD hijacking, the guy asks Tony if Christopher is "retarded," and Tony wonders what would happen if Jerry Lewis heard Mikey talking that way. "That's muscular dystrophy, Tone," Mikey corrects him, and Tony comments that "it's too bad they don't have a telethon for fuckface-itis, huh? They find a cure yet?" and I make a note to remember that line and use it on the idiots at my bank one of these days. Mikey just stares at Tony, his smile fading, and Tony makes hearty "hardy har har, just kidding" noises and shakes Mikey's hand, and then he goes on his way, and Mikey sighs and rolls his eyes.
Starbucks. Paulie stands in front of a display of coffee-making accouterments, seething. Pussy comes up behind him and relays the fact that the guy fitting the description he gave to the redhead does work at that Starbucks, and so does the guy's boyfriend, and Pussy got the address. Paulie, still seething, doesn't respond. Pussy asks if he's listening. "Yeah," Paulie snaps, glaring at the coffee stuff some more. "Oh, again with the rape of the culture," Pussy snorts, and says he wants to "find these Spice Girls already and get this over with," and off he goes. Paulie glowers at the coffee stuff for another moment, then grabs a French press and stows it under his jacket and stomps off after Pussy. Heh.
Carmela gets out of a Benz wagon at Livia's, carrying a loaf of bread and a bakery box. As she high-heel-clops around the car, Perrilyn bursts out of Livia's front door in a state of high dudgeon and explodes, "That's it!" in Carmela's direction. Carmela, stunned: "What happened?"
Inside, Livia shrugs elaborately, "Beats me." "Did you say something to her?" Carmela asks. Livia naturally gets insulted and says she knows "how to talk to people," then fumes, "These blacks -- who knows what they're gonna take the wrong way. So she's gone!" She shrugs again, but as she turns away from Carmela to go into the kitchen, she makes a "my fiendish plot is working" face.
Soprano Manor. With a traffic report droning in the background, Tony takes his Prozac and stares at himself in the bathroom mirror.
Satriale's. Tony bitches at Christopher and Brendan for not paying the restitution to Junior. Christopher complains that "restitution is one thing," but does Tony know how much Junior wants? Fifteen grand. "Hey, you jack the wrong truck, that's what happens," Tony tells him. Christopher makes a "what can you do?" face at Brendan. They file past a rack of hocks and into Tony's office as Christopher observes that he didn't see Tony in a big hurry to return his DVD player. Tony puts his feet up and says with a grin that he's enjoying it very much, actually. "I'm not gonna pay it," Christopher snaps. Tony finds this funny: "Oh yeah?" "I'm serious," Christopher says. "No, serious is what happens if you don't pay, by my hand," Tony says, still smiling. Christopher gets out his ukelele and plays The One Note Of Getting His Due, blathering on about the technique of positive visualization blah blah blah "undermined" blah blah blah "Triboro Towers situation" blah blah blah "should have been made, right then, boom" blah blah blah sleeps-with-the-fishes-cakes. Tony is openly laughing at him now, which Christopher doesn't appreciate, reiterating that he's serious; Tony tells him -- obviously not for the first time, or even the tenth -- that "the books are closed." "Did you talk to Jackie about me?" Christopher demands. Tony repeats that "they're not accepting any new members" and goes on to tell Christopher that he has "a reputation for immaturity," which won't improve if he doesn't pay the tributes he's supposed to on the say-so of the acting boss. Brendan puts his foot dead in it by saying that everyone knows Tony really runs things, not Jackie, and as he turns to Christopher and laughs all horsy-face (don't ask), Tony loses his temper and throws Brendan bodily out of the room and into a table full of pork chops, then slams the door of the office. He glares at Christopher and his clown-esque maroon sweatsuit and sits back down. Christopher gets the hint: "All right -- all right, but fifteen grand is too much." Tony tells Christopher to give the whole fifteen grand to him; he'll talk to Junior and work him down to around ten. Christopher grudgingly hands over a gym bag full of cash and starts to leave, but Tony stops him and tells him firmly to leave Comley Trucking, and anything else in Junior's purview, "including his hemorrhoid donut," alone. Christopher mutters a reluctant assent and leaves. Tony starts to put packets of cash in his jacket pockets, singing to himself. Outside, Brendan and Christopher kvetch about the tribute some more while a waitress puts ice on Brendan's forehead, thus causing Brendan's lone brain cell to die of overexposure.
In a stairwell, Pussy hands Paulie a gun from a shopping bag, then takes one out for himself. They knock on a door, and a voice inside trills, "Who is it?" Paulie basically mutters "rhubarb" a few times (the captioning reads "[jibberish]"). To the accompaniment of house music, a guy in bike shorts opens the door with the chain on, and Pussy asks if he's Mr. Arnez. "What do you want?" Bike Shorts asks. Pussy politely inquires as to whether Bike Shorts has seen a schoolteacher's Saturn around. Bike Shorts hurriedly closes the door; Pussy kicks it open, and it bounces off Bike Shorts's face and knocks him down. Pussy and Paulie barge into the apartment, and Paulie heads towards the bedroom, from which another voice calls, "Eddie, I'm reeeeady," and behind him Pussy drags Bike Shorts along by the collar with a gun pointed at his head. The other guy comes out of the bedroom and starts wailing in terror; Pussy throws Bike Shorts onto a divan and tells him he stole the wrong car, and Bike Shorts says he won't talk without a lawyer, so Pussy puts the gun in Bike Shorts's mouth and tells him he's got Johnnie Cochran "right here."
Pussy's Cadillac pulls up outside a body shop. Pussy, Paulie, Bike Shorts, and the other guy all pile out as Pussy grumps that "you boys really put a crimp in my week." Paulie spots the Saturn; Pussy eyes it and snaps that "the fucking car's been chopped" and now it's useless. "That's not it," Bike Shorts says firmly. Pussy points at another car, a Dodge, and asks Bike Shorts why it has the plates the Saturn's supposed to have. Bike Shorts doesn't know. Pussy tells them that they'll have to climb over the fence and get the plates off the Dodge. Bike Shorts makes a reluctant comment about the razor wire, but Pussy talks right over him, saying that after they get the plates, one of them will stay with him and Paulie, and the other one will go out and boost another Saturn. Bike Shorts tries not to soil himself.
Tony looks out the kitchen window at the empty pool. "On the lookout for ducks, Dad?" Meadow asks sarcastically, walking past with a stack of plates. Tony: "Know the old man pretty well, huh?" Meadow tells him to cheer up: "They were cute, but remember how pissed you were about the pool filter?" She starts setting the table. Tony asks if she didn't think "it was special, them coming here," but she says, "I really wasn't into it." Really, Meadow? Because I don't think your derisive comments made that clear. Tony asks when her grandmother is coming over. Carmela, sporting a bouffant straight out of Hairspray and clad in a really unfortunate yellow ensemble, says that Livia had to drive Fanny to the doctor, and then she's picking up Carmela's parents and coming over. Tony says fondly that in spite of his complaining about how his mother sits at home feeling sorry for herself, but she's always ready to "drive those oldster friends of hers around." Tony adds that he's proud of Livia for that.
Cut to Livia's car, a bright green American model from the early seventies, as it inches along the street. Since we've seen a couple of TV shows before, we get the feeling that Tony's comments portend an unfortunate car-related ending to this scene. Livia swings into a driveway, managing to snag the muffler on the curb, and her friend Fanny hoists herself out. Livia calls out the window that Fanny should make plenty of noise going into the house to scare off burglars: "You never know who's in there." Fanny spots her Star-Ledger lying in the driveway in front of Livia's car, and she waves and calls "thanks" to Livia. Livia, distracted, checks her rearview but neglects to put the car into reverse, and as she's muttering to herself that Fanny's a "pain in the ass," she steps on the accelerator, lurching forward by mistake and hitting Fanny, who whomps up onto the windshield and slides down front of the car. A quick shot of an aghast Livia...
...and we cut to Melfi's office, where Tony says that Livia broke her wrist on the steering column and suffered a minor concussion. That's totally out of line with what we just saw, but whatever. Melfi asks about Fanny. Tony, tersely: "Hip." Melfi cringes sympathetically. Tony adds that they stayed at the hospital until two in the morning, and according to the staff gerontologist, Livia shouldn't live alone anymore. Melfi says nothing. Tony qualifies, "She can't manage the telephone." Melfi: "And yet you say she's very healthy and alert." Tony, gloomily: "Like a bull." Then, suspiciously: "Why?" Melfi remarks that, as Tony knows from his own life, depression can cause accidents and poor performance, "or worse." Tony demands to know if Melfi thinks Livia tried to "whack" her best friend unconsciously; Melfi finds it "interesting" that Tony would interpret what she said that way. Tony fixes her with a look. Melfi, a little unsettled, changes the subject and says that maybe Livia just needs a change, to "be around more people," and Tony says they looked at a facility called Green Grove, which Melfi calls "beautiful," adding that it's more like a hotel in Cap d'Antibes. Tony, who obviously doesn't know Cap d'Antibes from Carteret, covers with a feeble "yeah," then says that Livia still thinks it's a nursing home. Melfi says that Livia "needs to be made to see" the difference. She cranks up the Cliché-o-Matic and churns out a bunch of twaddle about rewarding chapters and new challenges before saying, "I know seniors who are inspired...and inspiring," and Tony nods indulgently but thinks to himself, "You don't know my mother." I shake my head and think to myself, "Shut up, Dr. Melfi."
Outside a club, a bouncer chooses people from behind the velvet rope; Christopher reminds the bouncer not to "forget about us," apparently forgetting the cardinal rule of dealing with bouncers, namely that annoying them by saying things like "don't forget about us" will assure that they forget about you with a vengeance. Adriana "Karenina" La Cerva stands beside him, working her gum; Brendan, all twitchy, tells the bouncer that "we're the ones that Kenny Portugal said say hello." "Oh yeah, Kenny," says the bouncer, going back to his list. Brendan makes an "and...?" gesture with his head, but the bouncer continues to ignore him. Brendan and Christopher mutter to each other. An arriving limo discharges a woman in a red dress and a Martin Scorsese look-alike. "Mr. Scorsese, good evening," the bouncer says (no, it's not really Scorsese -- I checked the credits), and Christopher et. al. say "whoa" and "wow," and Christopher calls after Scorsese's retreating back, "Kundun! I liked it!" and makes a gesture of solidarity with his fist. Tee hee.
At a table inside, Brendan snorts a line of crystal and says that his boy at Comley told him about a shipment of Italian suits. Christopher snorts a line too and says that "those move fast" and "Mario'll take the whole load." Brendan tells him when the shipment comes in. Christopher all of a sudden remembers that he's pissed off, and he boils over: "Give me one good reason why I should not jack this truck." Brendan agrees that Junior left them "no choice but to do it again." Well, actually, they do have a choice: they can do it again, or they can live. Christopher bitches about the tribute again; Brendan backs him up. Christopher bitches about getting nowhere "playing by the rules" and bags on Tony; Brendan says, "'The books are closed' -- blow me," and makes a jerk-off motion with his hand. Christopher corrects him: "No, that's some true shit." Brendan doesn't buy it, but Christopher calls the current state of the organization "fucking chaos," explaining that nobody knows who to report to, or who to kick payments upstairs to in some cases. He adds, "I'm talking about the year 2000. The millennium. Where do we go from here?" Brendan nods very somberly, although I don't think he knows what Christopher's talking about (I certainly don't). A shot of the girlfriends dancing (badly).
At Livia's, Tony eats, and compliments, a plate of Virginia ham. Livia, arranged on the couch like a corpse in a casket -- by design, I suspect -- tells him to get more. When he declines, she crabs that "you never let me feed you." Tony ignores this and sits back, saying, "So getting back to what we were talking about." Livia starts up from the sofa, hair a-snarl, and says, "You want that lamp?" "Ma, lie down," he tells her, but she's insistent, reminding him that "that's real ormolu" and saying he should take the Barcalounger as well: "Somebody's gotta take this stuff before I die." She goes on in this vein for a while; Tony examines his tie and waits for her to blow herself out before telling her that she's not going to die and nobody's going to cart her stuff off to the dump the way she keeps saying, "but you've got to start planning for your future." He tries what Melfi said about rewarding chapters out on her.
Livia, not hearing him, asks, "You know my good jewelry?" Tony smiles, "The stuff that Dad gave you? Yeah, some of those pieces came right out of Cartier's window, huh?" He goes on to say that "Carm doesn't want 'em, not now" -- what they both want is for Livia to live a long life and wear the jewelry to her grandchildrens' graduations, blah blah blah peptalkcakes. Livia says smugly that she gave all the jewelry to Tony's cousin Josephine. Abrupt change of tone by Tony: "What the fuck, the good jewelry?" "She always admired it -- they don't have much money," Livia sighs all disingenuously. Tony yells at her for giving some cousin Cartier dinner rings and giving him a vibrating chair, and Livia sniffs that Carmela never showed any interest in her jewelry and never complimented her on any of it. Damn, she's petty. And I know from petty. Tony gets up, furious, and tells her that before she does anymore damage to herself, "or to [her] grandchildren's inheritance," she's going to stop living alone "right now." "I'm not going to that nursing home," Livia says haughtily, and Tony hollers that it's not a nursing home, it's -- all together, now -- a retirement community, and he parrots Melfi's "hotel at Cap d'Antibes" line, and Livia predictably asks, "Who's he?" Tony bellows that he's a captain who owns luxury hotels or something, "that's not the point," and adds that he talked to the director of Green Grove, and she has a corner suite with a woods view available, but it'll go fast. "Of course it's available, somebody died," Livia snarks, and Tony, close to tears, yells at her to stop with the "black poison cloud all the time, 'cause I can't take it anymore!" "Oh, poor you!" Livia sneers at the top of her voice. Tony sits down and sneers back that he's got problems at work, he's got problems at home, his friend has cancer, and most people "would be grateful if their yuppie children put as much thought into this" as he has. "I'm not going to that place," Livia grunts angrily. Tony says he can go to court, get power of attorney, and "place" her there. "Kill me now!" Livia wails, and tells him to get the carving knife out of the ham and stab her in the heart, because it would hurt her less than what he just said. As she lies on the couch, patting her heart and choking out a series of operatically dry sobs, Tony leaps up again and shouts yet another Melfi line about knowing inspired seniors. Livia keeps it up with the crocodile tears as Tony paces around, rubbing his eyes.
Brendan, coming up a flight of stairs, says, "Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front," and upon seeing Christopher attired in shorts and a bathrobe, he moans, "You're not even dressed." Christopher lets out a lungful of pot smoke and says he's "taking a pass" on the truckload of suits. Brendan doesn't get it. Christopher expounds that, once upon a time, "being part of the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?" Brendan shouts that that's bullshit; Christopher tells him to pipe down so as not to wake Adriana. "Come on, it's 5:15," Brendan pleads in a whisper, but Christopher theorizes that maybe things in the organization got "so fucked up" because guys don't listen to middle management anymore. "Fuck Tony -- that's a quote," Brendan sputters, but Christopher gets all Zen and says they have to stick together, or else "why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?" Brendan rolls his eyes, tells Christopher to suck his dick, and goes back down the stairs. Christopher smiles serenely.
Outside a warehouse, Brendan and two compatriots flag down a truck. They wave guns around and curse at the driver as he gets gingerly down from the cab and says that he's a friend of Billy's, Brendan's contact "on the inside." He says he's going to get his lunch out of the cab before coming out. He hops down with a paper sack, and one of Brendan's cohorts starts to climb into the cab, but the other one tells him he doesn't know how to drive the truck, so he climbs into the cab himself, but of course he doesn't know how to drive it either, and he strips the gears while Guy One laughs; Brendan corrects Guy One's gun-holding technique. The driver looks irritated. Brendan orders Guy Two to get down, and tells the driver to, well, drive, and he'll direct him. Guy Two clambers down, but he drops his gun and it goes off, and Brendan and Guy One curse at Guy Two, and they all stand there for a moment before the driver -- who caught the ricochet -- keels over onto the pavement. Brendan immediately starts crying and saying "oh fuck" like a million times and wailing that Junior's "gonna go apeshit"; behind him, Guys One and Two boot it the hell out of there.
Green Grove. The director, a woman named Bonnie, asks Livia, "You excited about comin' to live with us, hon?" Livia answers her with a flat stare. "You will be, trust me," Bonnie says. Carmela spots the moving van pulling into the Green Grove driveway, and she spouts a bunch of overly cheery "they made good time"-type small talk about how Livia will have all her furniture, yadda yadda yadda; Tony deals with paperwork. Carmela perks that "when [her] grandmother went to live...elsewhere, they weren't allowed to bring personal effects," and her mouth smiles but her eyes plead, "Help me out here." Carmela's hair looks like a cotton-candy experiment gone horribly awry. Livia says nothing, continuing to glower at Bonnie. Tony passes the papers over to Livia and tells her where to sign. She doesn't move, just glares at Bonnie some more. Tony looks at Carmela, then makes an "oy" face at Bonnie, who makes a "don't worry, I'm used to it" face back at him. Bonnie's phone rings; it's her assistant, putting through a call from Junior. Tony says he'll call Junior back, even though Bonnie says that apparently Junior sounded upset. Yeah, like Junior doesn't always sound upset. Bonnie puts the phone down, folds her hands, and asks Livia if she's ever heard an Italian saying that her aunts used to use, and she shares the saying with them. Tony, Carmela, and Livia regard her blankly, and Carmela finally breaks the silence by brightly asking what it means. Bonnie answers, "Time and patience change the mulberry leaf to silk." Livia's face is arranged in a sneer of patent hatred; still, she says nothing. Bonnie glances over at Tony and Carmela, looking -- finally -- a bit intimidated by Livia.
Soprano Manor. Carmela follows Tony into the kitchen and asks, "You'll be all right?" He says yes, and pats her hand while thanking her for her help. He says he'll make "a nice lunch," and Carmela starts to say something about the "fantastic proscuitt'" in the fridge when the phone rings; it's Christopher. Cut to Christopher in full-on freak-out mode: "Christ, I been calling for hours -- call me back on an outside line."
Tony pulls the Suburban off of what looks like Route 17 and up to a payphone. Another quick cut to Christopher snatching the phone off the hook as soon as it rings and yammering, "T, don't get mad -- there's been a little shit. Now, I had nothing to do with it," and he fills Tony in on what happened with the driver of the truck. Tony closes his eyes wearily: "Oh, fuck." Behind Christopher, we see Brendan pacing around; Christopher says that Brendan "didn't fence the load" because they think maybe Mario "dimed them to Junior the last time." Tony curses and starts slamming the receiver on the housing. He stands on the shoulder for a minute to calm down as the receiver swings back and forth in the air.
Tony gets out of the Suburban. Silvio apologizes for "having to wreck a Saturday like this" for Tony. Inside, the boys look through the hijacked suits as Christopher and Brendan stand to each other, trying not to wig; Tony chastises them, adding as an afterthought, "It's beautiful stuff, though." Brendan tries to apologize; Tony tells him to shut up. Christopher repeats that he had "nothing to do with this," and Brendan pipes up that that's true, Christopher "stood home"; Tony tells Brendan to shut up again before asking Christopher, "You 'stood home.' Did you do anything to stop it? Did you offer any guidance?" Christopher stares back at Tony helplessly. Tony goes on, "What do we mean when we say 'leadership' -- hm?" Brendan blames his behavior on "the crank" and swears on his mother that he's going into detox, and this time it's Christopher who tells him to shut up: "Do you want to get me clipped?" He asks Tony what they should do. Tony says that the two of them will put the suits back on the truck and drive them over to Comley's main yard, and then they'll call Junior and tell him "when it's done." Christopher curses and asks, "What about the dead guy?" Tony wryly suggests that they could try poking him with a stick or "lighting a candle to St. Anthony" (the patron saint of revival of the dead), "but I think you're fucked." Paulie and Pussy smirk; Brendan almost starts crying again. Silvio models a double-breasted jacket and asks Tony, "What if this didn't go back -- problem?" Tony tries not to smile, then says he doesn't see Christopher and Brendan putting the racks back on the truck, and they spring into action. The boys pick out suits for themselves. In front of a broken shard of mirror, Silvio admires himself, then delivers the Godfather III line again. Tony chuckles.
Close-up on the bumper of a red Saturn. The camera pans along the side of the car to a small crowd standing behind it, and we hear someone say, "Hey, Mr. Miller, your car's back!" Mr. Miller says that his wife dropped him off that morning and there he found it, right in his parking spot. AJ, standing at the front of the assembled group, naively shares the information that "my Uncle Pussy helped my dad locate it." "'Uncle Pussy'?" a puzzled Mr. Miller repeats. "He's in the car business," AJ explains. Mr. Miller makes I-don't-know-what-to-say noises and tells AJ to thank Tony for him, and then says in a tone of mild confusion that the car came back with different keys. "I suppose it's too much to hope for that my papers are still inside here," he says, popping the trunk, and someone says that "it's a different color" -- indeed, Pussy and his crew apparently repainted a yellow Saturn. Red paint comes off on Mr. Miller's hands; he stares down at it as AJ confides to a girl standing to him, "My dad's a hero."
Cut to the hero, standing in Livia's nearly empty house and looking around. He walks over to the mantle and looks at a picture of a younger Livia, smiling and smoking a cigarette, and puts it in the cardboard box he has under his arm. , a picture of him and his mother taken in his boyhood; that goes in the box too. He smiles a little, sniffling back tears, and takes down a third picture, this one of his parents and himself as an infant (or one of his sisters, but I think we're meant to know it's Tony), and places that in the box with the others. Suddenly, he starts blinking rapidly and steps back from the mantle and puts a hand to his chest, and he reels over to the living room table and plops down on it abruptly, gasping for breath.
In Melfi's office, she asks if he lost consciousness this time. He says he didn't, he just had shortness of breath and spots in his field of vision. Melfi calls this "improvement," and he snaps, "'Cause I'm sad to put my mother away?" "Sad is good; unconscious isn't," Melfi tells him, and goes on to reassure him that he's done the best thing for Livia. "She won't speak to me," Tony tells her, and Melfi agrees that "that is sad," but points out, "But whose choice is that?" That doesn't make Tony feel any better. Melfi asks if Tony can admit to himself that he feels sad, but also "angry and full of rage." "I'm sad," Tony says curtly, wanting to put an end to this line of questioning, but Melfi won't let him, remarking that it's hard for him to admit that he feels hatred towards Livia; Tony tells Melfi she's "out of [her] tree." Melfi, frustrated, tells him to listen to her carefully: "Of course you love her. But what I'm trying to say is, own the anger, instead of displacing it -- otherwise, it defines your life." Tony makes a big show of checking his watch and starts to get up as she goes on, "It needs to be acknowledged," and he snarls that it's "a good thing time is up -- I don't want to talk to you anymore." A short pause before he snorts, "'Hate your mother'..." and trails off without finishing the thought, then huffs out of the office.
At Bada Bing, Tony nurses a Scotch. In the background, a version of the song that played during the scene in which Paul Sobriki stabbed Lucy and Carter on ER is playing. Georgie continues to try in vain to figure out the phone system, saying at one point, "Is that an operator or an answering machine?" Yeah, we get it. Tony curls his lip in annoyance. After Georgie says "hello?" into the receiver about twenty-three times, Tony stalks over to him, snatches the receiver out of his hand, and beats him over the head with it until Georgie slumps to the floor. Tony walks to the back and pauses, his face half in light, and then goes into the back office; when he clears the frame, we see the dancers all clustered around one pole, watching him with concern. After a moment, they fan out and begin dancing again as the song thumps, "Yes, we aim to please." Fade out.