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Oh dear.
The Board of Directors of LuthorCorp meets with talks of voting "no confidence" against Tess, which, frankly, I was thinking of doing myself. Just as they're about to take out their aggressions, not on the financial institutions that are probably bankrupting them, but on their new leader, Oliver walks in. He tells them that he now has a controlling stake in LuthorCorp. Welcome to your merger, bitches! But then Oliver notices that an executive clack-ball toy is running on its own and suspects it's a bomb. He ducks and tells everyone to get down, but it's too late; the boardroom goes KABLOOEY and kills everyone except Oliver, who gets away with a small, unobtrusive scratch
The bomber is a portly toymaker and likely AintItCoolNews Talk Back poster who used to work for Oliver, but went crazy and got fired. Now he's working for Lex, creating things that go boom-boom. He isn't thrilled that Tess got away.
As Oliver recovers from his scratch in the hospital, he steers Lana and Clark away from his lead on the case. Clark and Lana take a break from breaking the Kent family bed with their superschtupping to try to track down Lex and the toymaker. That's good, because the guy is planning on taking out The Daily Planet. Chloe helps Oliver track the nefarious geek bomber down, but learns along the way that Oliver is only pursuing this because he wants to kill Lex. They argue about the morality of killing to protect Clark, and Oliver wins, pretty much.
Clark and Lana make a bunch of noises about finally getting to be together and fighting crime together, but Lex (or the awful stunt double who sounds nothing like him and only has a bald head in common with him) ain't having it. He knows that Lana's new power-skin suit absorbs Kryptonite. Lex's plan is to have the bomb that's supposed to take out the newspaper carry two huge canisters of Kryptonite. When faced with the choice between letting the building blow up or letting Lana absorb the Kryptonite and become poisonous to Clark, they decide to let Lana take the meteor. Clark can't come near Lana without getting sick. Clark, who has made peace with not wanting to kill Lex, suddenly snaps and wants to kill him. Lana stops him with an incredibly lame speech, but it doesn't matter. The trailer containing Not-So-Much-Lex blows up suddenly. Lex is presumably dead (although surely he's not), and it seems Oliver used one of the toymaker's bombs to do the deed.
Chloe and Oliver have another ethical discussion when she finds out the truth about Lex's "death," but they agree not to tell Clark. Lana and Clark have one last horrible barn scene in which Lana says she can't stand to be around Clark if she can't touch him. Dr. Science can't reverse the Kryptonite absorption, even though he can crate a super suit out of human skin. Clark fights through the pain to give Lana one last crappy, passionless kiss. Lana sucks the life out of Clark, a metaphor for the show if ever there was one. Then she leaves, in slow motion, as they're both saying "I Love Yous."
So if you've ever loved the show and thought it was building to a fitting end for some of its major characters, congratulations. You got played. Go watch Friday Night Lights instead.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then check out our comic geek's guide to the Superheroes (and Villains) of Smallville! And check back week for the full recap!
Want more? The full recap starts right below! In a few minutes, I'll show you what I almost sent to my editors in lieu of writing a real recap for this episode. I believe the grade for "Requiem" is the first "F" I've ever given to an episode of this show over eight seasons for reasons that will soon become apparent. It's very easy to give a low grade to an episode that was lazy, or filler, but I usually don't because those episodes are still better than most of what's on TV. But "Requiem" crossed a line into television that was simply offensive, a smack in the neck to fans who've stuck with the show so long. It's not just a bad episode, it's an episode that renders everything that came before it worse, making it all feel a huge waste of time and emotional investment. That's far worse than an episode that aims low and stays there.We open on a very dark workshop where a donut-shaped man with tinted glasses is staring through the magnifying lens of a fluorescent, donut-shaped light. He's applying paint with a thin brush to a model of the Daily Planet building. "The world moves so fast today," he says to no one in particular. We pivot around to get a better look at the guy. He's, in essence, Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons minus the facial hair. He reminds me of Dan Schneider from his Head of the Class days or if you want to update the image, Dan Vogler from. Balls of Fury. You could even go with the obligatory Hurley from Lost to complete the rotund-and-thick-haired trifecta. Nice thick muttonchops, dude. He opines that we had it so much better as kids, when hours seemed liked days and a favorite toy could be a child's best friend. My best friend was a doll named Joey. Now he lives in the garage with three cats. Just then we see a creepy-as-Hell ventriloquist's dummy sitting in the background. GAH! Where did you come from, little man? And please don't say your puppet mom's wooden vagina because that will make me scream. "Toys are powerful things, you know," the craftsman says as he turns to the dummy. He's wearing black gloves as he works. He tells the dummy that toys are vessels for the imagination, imbued with life through play. He moves the building model and we can see the little golden globe on top is spinning. The dummy looks unimpressed. We'll see you later, toy man. I have a feeling you'll be back.
We cut immediately to a helicopter shot of nighttime in Metropolis. The LuthorCorp building looms large. Near it, someone has installed a giant video screen on one of the buildings. This ain't Blade Runner, guys. We cut to inside the LuthorCorp tower where two large portraits of Lex and Lionel Luthor are mounted side-by-side. Aw. I miss those guys. A woman we've never seen before walks in front of the portraits and says that Tess Mercer has taken too many risks. It's a meeting of LuthorCorp board members. A man sitting at the table says her risks have paid off. Ooh, sweet ill-gotten gains! We're rich, BEEYATCHES! An older man on the board says she's had success with The Daily Planet. I would say that is arguable. The paper sucks now. The woman complains that Lex didn't know she was funneling all of LuthorCorp's money into one experimental bio-weapon. "And now she's lost the prototype," she concludes. Wow, they're really shitty keeping trade secrets in this company. The whole board knows about Project Prometheus? Did they write about it in the company newsletter? She votes for a vote of no-confidence. I think you mean you move to vote. You can't vote to vote, can you? Doesn't that cancel itself out? A youngish guy at the table seconds her motion. She asks those in favor of a change to raise their hand. They all start to do so, but the double doors leading the boardroom suddenly open. Oliver walks in. He agrees with their "Ayes," saying it is time for a change, but not the way they're expecting. "Oliver Queen, what are you doing in enemy camp?" the woman in the red business suit asks him. I think you're missing a word in that sentence. All in favor? I move to add a "the." Motion carried. Oliver says he's the one who called this meeting; Tess sends her regrets for not being there, but she's got business in Dubai. Oliver reveals that she's pursuing their international interests. Plural. He drops the bombshell: with Tess's help, he's purchased a controlling stake in LuthorCorp. Oliver smirks at everyone. That can't be legal, can it? Red Suit complains about Tess going behind their back to help with a hostile takeover. Oliver shoots back about being lectured on ethics, saying LuthorCorp has used the world as its personal playground. And pooped in the sandbox, apparently. The camera shifts focus to show us an executive Newton's Cradle toy, you know, the one with the clacking metal balls that swing left and right. It begins to swing on its own. As Oliver is being yelled at by Red Suit, he notices the clacking balls. Yay for Oliver for recognizing when there's balls shifting around near him. His look grows serious as the balls stop suddenly. "Everybody down!" he yells and quickly ducks. We cut to the exterior where a giant explosion rips the side of the skyscraper. Flaming debris falls toward us. One piece of fiery building lands right on the camera and we cut to the opening credits.
So this is around the point where I began to wonder if I could get away with sending in something much, much shorter than what I usually write and head for the hills to escape my obligation. I had it drafted and everything. Here was what was going to be the recap for "Requiem" in its entirety:
S8E14: Requiem, 02-05-09 Writers: Holly Henderson & Don Whitehead, Director: Michael Rohl.
Wifey and I enjoyed this episode and I have to give congratulations to the lighting crew for creating such a moody, charged environment for all the superpowered action this week! That green lighting in those Kryptonite orbs must have been quite a challenge. As usual the production team rose to the occasion.
Lana gets to keep her superpowers? Wow! Will we see her fly at some point? As M. Night Shyamalan himself might say, "What a twist!" Clark continues to mature and develop his powers and sense of self, but I get the feeling this hard lesson in love is really going to stay with him for a long while, at least through another season or two of much-anticipated episodes.
My favorite part was seeing the creepy shadows on the all-but-unrecognizable Lex Luthor, now reduced to sitting in the back of a trailer and hooked up to life-giving tubes. His remaining eye widens just before he explodes. Nice job, director Michael Rohl, keeping this tension going. It had a detonating effect on my TV viewing. Did Lex see it coming? Intense. Bravo, Smallville. This is going to be rolling around in my head until new episodes return in March.
That would have been so much more easier and fun. Oh well. Pressing onward...
Commercials. I really like Isla Fisher, but Confessions of a Shopaholic just makes me sad for her. I hope it's not as bad as it looks.
Kent home at night. The cows have all run away in fear of what's happening and how badly it stinks. We hear a low thumping and then a mighty crash. Oh. Oh no. Please, God, no. Don't let it be what I think it is... Inside, we see that the Kent bed has been broken in half. Its middle hits the floor as the two ends of the four-poster bed jut toward each other. On the bed and under the covers, we see Lana Lang giggling. Feathers are flying. My stomach, she is turning. WHY, GOD, WHYYYYY!? Why have you forsaken this show!? The camera pulls up and we see Clark, bare-chested, to her. He is also having a too-fucking-good time. "Please tell me the bed was already wobbly," Lana says. "Lana, it's made of solid oak," he replies. I sure hope he was talking about the bed and not his oaken space penis. Lana dives under the bed sheet. Clark follows. He cuddles with the pillow and the two of them look at each other with sickening satisfaction. These 50 Tums I just took are rapidly wearing off. Stomach acid, go! Clark asks Lana if they should find out how strong the floors are. Down, boy! Geez! I know you're backed up, but damn! Save some nookie for shower time. Lana asks where Clark gets all the energy. The sun, baby. The sun. But now it's dark and I'm quite sleepy. Business hours are over, baby! Clark moves his eyebrows suggestively as he asks if she'd like to see another sunset. He says they can head west, find a sandy beach and start their night all over again. Forget Lana, I'll go! That sounds fun. Lana says she loves Clark being all romantic like this. It's a nice break from his usual morose, guilt-ridden, self-righteous, soul-searching bullshit. She says there's something she'd like more than a trip to the tropics. Cunnilingus? Clark tells her to just name it. Lana superspeeds out of bed as Clark's nipple gets hard as steel. Clark lifts the sheet and sees that Lana is standing to the bed, now fully dressed. She's wearing a black leather jacket. She says she wants to help Clark while he's out on patrol in Metropolis. Wearing that? Sorry, sweetie, we don't call it "Flannel Patrol" for nothing. Clark's not so sure about this. Lana kneels to the bed. She says that when she stopped the bullet from killing Dr. Science last week, it was the most amazing feeling she ever had. More amazing than what just broke the bed? Thanks a fucking lot, Lana. She says she got to use her powers the way she'd always planned. How long has she been planning this? Clark, suddenly somber, says that even with her powers, it's still dangerous out there for Lana. Lana says that Clark protected her for years, but this is who she is now. Gross, isn't it? She says it's the life she wants. "And I want to share it with you," she adds. She blinks as her eyes get all dewy. Clark likey. He smiles. He superzips around Lana and changes into some clothes. Oh. A red shirt and blue Member's Only jacket? That's not exactly the eveningwear Lana had in mind. Now she's embarrassed to be seen in public. Clark says that all he's ever wanted was someone to share his life with. And a little gay sex on the side. Clark wanted someone to work with him side-by-side. "Just like my mom and dad did," he says, moping. He starts to say he thought he'd never find someone like that because of his abilities, but Lana stops him. Yes, Clark. Just you shut your mouth. Shhhhh. Lana says she's right here. So that he won't start crying. He kisses her. Nom nom nom. Lana opens her eyes slowly. They hear a knock from the front door. It's pretty loud considering they're upstairs.
We cut to the living room as Lana and Clark are coming downstairs. Chloe has already entered, calling their names. I'm guessing she heard all the sex commotion earlier. Or maybe that's why she came by. To tell them people can hear them all the way in Metropolis. Chloe says that there was an explosion at LuthorCorp. She tells them the news is calling it a bomb. Clark asks if anyone was hurt. Chloe says that everyone from the Board of Directors was killed. Yes, but were they hurt? Answer the question! She says Oliver was there, too, and now he's in the hospital. Lana squints, then turns to Clark. Ah yes, I can see that much better. Clark tries to look serious as the timpanis play with increasing intensity.
Hospital. Oliver lies asleep in bed as an IV drips into his arm. He has a little tiny Harry Potter gash on his forehead and a scuffed cheek. No disfigurement? Aw. He wakes up slowly. As he turns, he sees the heart monitor to the bed. We cut to a wider shot. Oliver is wearing no shirt or hospital gown. A piece of gauze lies across his tight belly. There's a box of tissues at the foot of the bed for nurses who cry at the sight of that perfect pectoral display. We hear twin whooshes. Some papers on Oliver's chart flutter. It's Clark and Lana. Oliver sits up in bed and calls them the newest Metropolis power couple. Lana fakes concern. "How ya doing, Oliver?" she asks. Well, I was in a fucking building that blew the fuck up, how the fuck do you think I'm doing? Fucked. Oliver says it's nothing a dry martini can't cure. Oh, go do some sit-ups. Oliver asks if there were any other survivors. Clark tells him he was the only survivor and that the table protected him from the blast. That table was stronger than Clark's bed. Clark asks if Ollie knows who might have done it. Oliver shakes his head. "Angry shareholder, maybe?" Oliver tells them he'd just bought a controlling stake in the company and was at the meeting to announce it. Lana says that if Oliver was trying to erase the "Luthor" from the company, it's obvious who was behind the attack. Clark nods and spells out the obvious: "Lex." Because there are no other Luthors. Clark's a genius. Lana gives Clark a brief, but very funny, "God, what a dumbass" look. Oliver thinks Lana would be a more likely target for Lex after getting under his skin, "Or should I say into it," he tells her. Oh, you're so witty. Har-dee-har-har, shut it. Oliver says the skin suit Lana stole was Lex's lifeline and his last chance at recovery. He says it probably meant more to Lex than his entire company. Lana frowns and it forms pretty creases between her eyebrows. Clark asks if Oliver remembers anything from before the blast that could help them track down Lex. Oliver goes all shifty-eyed and lies, saying he didn't see anything. Lana gives him a suspicious look. Liar! Clark, gullible, totally believes him. You get better, bro. Sorry we forgot to bring flowers. The economy, you know. Flower shops laying off people everywhere. Tulip crisis, and all that. I'm sure you've read about it. Clark promises they'll find out who did this. Oliver nods solemnly. Now get out! I'm trying to bed-pan it here!
The bombed-out LuthorCorp boardroom. A bomb squad is there to... make sure the bomb went off all right? They have helpful "BOMB SQUAD" jackets on and are walking around doing nothing in particular. Watch out! Bomb squad going through! Back off! It's about to get BOMB in here! After they exit, Clark whooshes into the room. Lana whooshes in a second afterward. How are all the lights still working? Clark looks around and remarks that Oliver is lucky to be alive. Lana walks around Clark and points to where she thinks the bomb went off. She's basing that on nothing whatsoever. Clark suddenly groans and we hear the familiar whine of Kryptonite pain. He stumbles back, sweaty. Lana asks if he's all right. He says there's Kryptonite. Lana opens up a panel on a wall, tearing off the metal. She sees the glowing rock inside. It's one of the hollow metal balls, now broken. Inside it, there's some Kryptonite and a small microchip. Lana asks why they'd use meteor rock. Clark says it's not the first time it's been used to make a bomb more powerful. As Lana puts her finger near the microchip, the green part flashes and appears to make a lightning streak for her digit, as if she absorbed it. "Whoah, what was that?" she asks. Clark says he doesn't feel its presence anymore. Lana wonders if it reacted to having the chip moved. She hands Clark the little ball. The chip has a "Q" on it. "Queen Industries," Clark says. Lana says she thinks Oliver knows more than he's saying. Clark says it's a big company that makes thousands of chips a year. He asks why she thinks Ollie is responsible. Lana doesn't, but says he's covering something up. "Why would he hide anything from me?" Clark asks. Dude, because you're lame. Nobody tells you anything. Lana says he's done it before. She reveals that when she went to Cuba, Oliver showed up to try to kill Lex. Clark, surprised, asks why Lana didn't tell him about it. Lana thought she talked him down, but now thinks Oliver's still after Lex. Lana thinks they should show Oliver the chip and ask for an explanation. Clark disagrees. He doesn't trust Oliver anymore and doesn't want to pull him in any deeper. Clark plans to figure out whatever Oliver's hiding on his own.
Back at the Toymaker's lair. A bombed version of the LuthorCorp building is in front of us. He places The Daily Planet model to it and says the game has begun. Ooh, good, I want to be the metal shoe! Toymaker looks at the LuthorCorp building's damage with disappointment. He says you can't count on a flawless execution with every plan. Or every TV season. He goes to the dummy and sits to it. "Apparently, Miss Mercer wasn't in the room," he says, "and Oliver Queen survived." We zoom into the eyeball of the dummy. Toymaker promises to tie up any loose ends. "Mr. Luthor," he says. We zoom in further until we're in a whole different place. We see a bald man with one eye covered in gauze hooked up to large tubes. It's Lex Luthor, but it's very obviously not our Michael Rosenbaum Lex Luthor. And he doesn't even look all that banged up. Just a wound around the shoulder and the bad eye. He's got on an oxygen mask that looks like it was borrowed from the Hannibal Lector Mouthwear Collection. He breathes and watches Toymaker on a monitor. Toymaker holds up a remote and says it's time for their move. He pushes the button and the newspaper model goes up in flames. We see it reflected on his tinted glasses as he laughs maniacally.
Commercials. Freaky ads with scary Cyclop people is no way to get me to buy your tax services, H&R Block.
A rare rear shot of Metropolis General hospital. It's daytime, overcast. Inside, Oliver has a flirty stare going as he sits up in bed. A very cute blonde nurse is taking his stats. She says his heart rate is a little higher than normal. Oliver makes a show out of leaning over to look at the monitor. He's sure the nurse has that effect on all her patients. She opens the blinds and says that with the pain meds he's getting, it's the only view he's getting tonight. She's the strongest-willed person on the show for resisting the advances of a millionaire as handsome as Oliver. She tells him to rest. Chloe is already in the door as she crosses paths with the nurse. She says Oliver seems to be making a speedy recovery. Oliver's not feeling too patient as a patient. Chloe guesses he didn't call her there to get spoon-fed chicken soup. No, that's what you should be doing for your husband, Jimmy. How's that injured guy doing, anyhow? You don't know? Ah. That's what I figured. Oliver says he wants Chloe to pull a name from his company's database. He fired an employee six years ago, an engineer named Winslow Schott. Chloe asks if he thinks that's the person behind the bomb. He is the bomb! He rules! Oliver says he hired the guy right out of M.I.T. to build explosives, from stuff to clear out tunnels to devices that could break up kidney stones. Chloe says that's impressive for someone who got fired. She asks what happened. Oliver says the high-pressure job got to the guy. He says Winslow started bringing toys to work (uh oh, I do that!). "Whatever, right?" Oliver says, then goes on to explain that those toys were getting implanted with explosives. Hey, I do that, too! I am so fired! Oliver says, quite lamely, that it was at that point he realized the guy was thinking too far outside the toy box. Groan... Chloe asks why Oliver isn't using Clark and Lana as his personal bomb squad. She offers to get Lana and Clark on the case if Oliver will give her 10 minutes to work with his satellites. She pulls out her phone and starts pushing buttons. Oliver says they can't tell Clark. Brooding music plays. Oliver says that the Toymaker could have gotten to him at any point, but the fact that he did it during his takeover of LuthorCorp makes him think Lex is really responsible and that Schott is working for him. Chloe thinks Oliver's not interested in the guy at all, he's just using him to find Lex. And, she adds, Oliver wants Clark to stay out of his way. Oliver says Clark would never agree to help get rid of Lex forever. Too much sexy. "You're talking about killing a man," Chloe says. Oliver says it's more like ending the reign of terror that he's been putting them all through lately. Chloe shakes her head. She doesn't think she can lie to Clark. Oliver asks if Chloe wants to protect Clark or tell him the truth. She can't multitask both? Oliver says that Lex is going after Clark and knows his secret. He commits a real dick move by asking Chloe if she could live with herself if something happened to Clark. How would it be Chloe's fault? Everyone needs to take a fucking chill pill and stop dumping their problems on her. She needs to get out of Dodge and just move to Star City permanently. Screw all these jerks. Chloe, of course, looks conflicted. This is where she should tell Oliver to go fuck himself and leave the room. I only wish.
Oliver's private plane, which tends to do nothing but sit on the runway these days. Chloe is using a computer there with a wide, small screen. She's pulled up the employee profile of Winslow Schott, in which he looks like a sad-sack employee, wearing a white shirt and tie and no cool tinted glasses. Chloe has a phone connected to the computer and has transferred the profile over (or at least the photo; maybe she wants it as her phone's wallpaper). A sudden whoosh. Clark is surprised to find Chloe there. She does a bad job lying, saying that Oliver asked her to come pull some files from the LuthorCorp deal. Clark, suspicious, thinks it's weird that the company couldn't spare an employee to do that for Oliver. Chloe says it's because Oliver knows he can trust her. "I thought I could, too," Clark says. Oh, here we go. The screen in front of Chloe reverts to a screensaver as Clark comes close to it. He asks if she's chasing down a bombing lead. Chloe shakes her head, averts her eyes and walks away from him. "Sorry, Clark," she says. Clark says he knows that Oliver is trying to take out Lex. He understands why Ollie would lie about it, but doesn't know why Chloe would. "Because I don't want to lose you, Clark!" she snaps. She says Lex knows Clark's weakness and could kill him. Clark says that doesn't mean he's supposed to kill Lex first. It doesn't? Well how do you want the 50 years to go down, exactly? Clark insists that he and Lex aren't in a battle to the death. Chloe asks Clark to open his eyes. She says Lex declared war on his former farmboy lover years ago. She asks why Clark hasn't done anything since Lex learned his secret. "I'm focused on the future!" he says. Ha! That's the lamest shit I've heard all week. Clark says he's trying to help people and not live in the past. Chloe thinks Clark is definitely still living in the past. She tells him Lex isn't the same guy he saved on the bridge eight years ago. Yeah, it's a whole other actor, in fact. Chloe says that Clark isn't recognizing the monster he's become. Clark says, "So because I'm not gonna kill someone, I'm in denial?" Clark arches his eyebrows. He says that Chloe could have destroyed the world when she was taken over by Brainiac, but Clark refused to kill her. That strikes her hard. She frowns and looks sad. "Here," she says. She hands Clark the phone with the profile on it. She says the guy is supposed to lead them to Lex. Great. Can you... show me how to work this thing? Clark says he'll be careful. Chloe watches him go, shaking her head. That dumb motherfucker.
Hospital. A man is carrying a big batch of balloons and a boxed gift as he walks out of an elevator. The cute nurse smiles and asks if she can help him. He moves the balloons and we see it's the Toymaker, still rocking those Wolverine sideburns. He says he's looking for Oliver for a package delivery. He smiles brightly. It almost works on me. I kinda like this guy!
Commercials. Supernatural is about strippers tonight. I have the feeling I got the much crappier show to recap this week.
Kent Farm, daytime. Lana, sitting at the kitchen table, is examining her old necklace, the one whose Kryptonite rock turned white. Clark whooshes to the back door, then enters. He's surprised she found it. Lana says that she's surprised Clark kept it after all the pain it caused him. He asks how he could throw away something that means so much. Clark puts the necklace around her neck. Clark remembers seeing it on her in high school and not being able to get within five feet of her without falling over. Lana notes that even after the spaceship got rid of the Kryptonite, something always stood in their way. Like maybe how she married someone else. That was something. "Not anymore," Clark says. He kneels to her. "We're together now, Lana." He says he won't let anybody take that away from them. Wanna place bets now? Lana looks at Clark seriously. She says that she talked to Dr. Science about the Kryptonite they found in the boardroom. She says it didn't disappear because of the chip; it was because of Lana. You mean the way she sucks everything else out of a scene? Lana says she absorbed the Kryptonite. Lana says she's worried. She wonders if the suit, built by Lex, was a weapon and Clark was the target. Clark's brain loses a fuse. He says Lex isn't wearing the suit; Lana is. He says they'll figure it out, but they should focus on tracking down the bomber. She asks if he found anything. He shows Lana the phone and says Lana's hunch was right. It was a guy who used to work for Oliver. Clark looked up the address, but Schott wasn't living there anymore. Lana skims the file on the phone and sees that the guy was a very prolific inventor. He filed a lot of patents. Lana doesn't think the guy would have stopped inventing. Clark figured they might find his updated address at the patent office. Lana suggests that if the guy is working for Lex and if Lex is behind all this, he's working three moves ahead. Clark has no idea what she's talking about. Moves? Like dance moves? Lana says that Lex is more dangerous than ever now that he's got nothing to lose. Doesn't he have a company, a fortune and his own life still left to lose? Clark chews on that for a while.
Oliver's hospital room. He's lying asleep with his arms laid out. He wakes up and realizes that his hands are bound to the bed by red handcuffs. Toymaker is standing there, messing with a tool and a clapping monkey toy. "The Hell?" Oliver asks. Without looking at Oliver, Toymaker says he wanted him to feel what it was like not to be in control for once. Oliver wants to be untied. He moves his pectoral muscles around to attract a mate. Toymaker puts down the monkey toy and says that wouldn't be much fun. Oliver sees the inside of the guy's coat pocket; he's wearing a pocket protector with miniature versions of his tools, including a small hammer and a bite-sized magnifying glass. Oliver sees the balloons and figures things out. But he plays it cool. He says he gets it, but the children's ward is two floors up. "Excuse me?" Toymaker asks. Oliver says that the balloons, the monkey, the ridiculous outfit the guy's wearing... it's obvious he's a clown. "Aren't you a clown?" Oliver asks, smiling. Homeboy is pissed. "I am Winslow Schott!" he says emphatically. Oliver squints, pretending not to remember. Toymaker points a gloved hand at Ollie and says he was once called one of the greatest minds at S.T.A.R. Labs. Then, he was fired. Oliver nods slowly, pretending to remember. Oliver chuckles, saying it's good to see the guy still plays with toys. "Come on, man," he laughs, "how much for the ape?" Toymaker, annoyed, sneers and leans in. He says he doesn't need Oliver's money anymore. He found someone new to work with, a person who appreciates his genius. "None other than Lex Luthor himself!" he boasts. Way to let the cat out of the bag. You're no Hurley. Oliver says that's impressive. "I thought he was dead," he notes. Toymaker says Oliver was supposed to be dead. He screams that Oliver was supposed to die in the explosion like everyone else. Oliver teases him, saying he sounds angry and should take his toys and go home. That makes Toymaker remember something. He walks over to pick up his monkey toy. While he does that, Oliver uses a tool he just swiped from inside the guy's coat to pick the lock on his right handcuff. Toymaker shows off a toy he made just for Oliver. It's a clapping monkey doll. Very conspicuously and loudly, Oliver picks the handcuff lock. Toymaker doesn't notice. He says that when the monkey claps 53 times, it'll be the last sound Oliver ever hears. "53, huh?" Oliver asks. Toymaker says he filed 53 patents while working for Oliver. The company made millions and he got nothing. Oliver's cheek twitches. As the monkey begins clapping rapidly, the guy goes over to Oliver and tries to mess with him. Oliver uses his free arm to put the guy in a headlock. He tells toymaker to unlock the other cuff. The monkey keeps banging the cymbals. "28 and counting" Oliver says. Actually, by the time he gets the words out, it's at about 50. That's a fast monkey. Oliver frees himself and pushes Toymaker back. The impact knocks the monkey onto its side on the floor. It stops clapping. Oliver pushes the guy down and cracks one of his fingers. He says he'll break the rest of those artistic little digits unless he tells him where to find Lex. The Toymaker whimpers. He's not so bold without his toys, is he? One last thing: can I just say that the bit with Oliver wrestling a fat man on a hospital bed while a cymbal-clapping toy monkey bomb nearby is one of the silliest things I've seen on a show that has been silly for eight long seasons? Just wanted to note that for the record. It looked really stupid.
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The Toymaker's lair. If he was here, it would be a Schott in the dark. Dolls, models, action figures and carnival posters line the shelves and walls as Clark and Lana enter. It's crowded, but not completely disorganized. Clark says it was the last address the patent office had listed for their suspect. Clark, surrounded by toys, says he heard this guy had a thing for toys. Ya think? Lana guesses he still lives there. There's a light on. Lana is just that intuitive. Lana notices the ventriloquist's dummy nearby as it swings its head. She picks it up. She tells Clark that there's a wireless camera inside the doll. "Someone's watching us," Clark says. You're just full of the obvious today, aren't you? I bet if you took a dump, all that would plop out would be facts about the room around you. Lana thinks it's Lex; she says he likes to keep an eye on people working for him. She dumps the dummy face-down into a nearby trashcan. Clark pulls a sheet laid over a table and finds a miniature city of Metropolis. Clark shows it to Lana. "It's Metropolis," he says. Damn it, Clark! Stop stating the obvious! You don't hear me saying "Clark, the big, dumb alien," at every attribution, do you? No. Because it's already obvious. Clark notices a melted building where The Planet should be. Clark thinks that must be the target. Lana and Clark takes turns gulping instead of superspeeding out of there to save the building.
Hospital. Cute Nurse enters Ollie's room with a knock. She says, in a chirpy voice, "Excuse me, Mr. Queen, it's time for your medicine." There's something moving under the bed sheet. She pulls it back and finds Toymaker there. His mouth is covered with clear tape. It doesn't look very strong. She pulls it off. She asks where Oliver went. She was about to step up the flirting to Level 2. Toymaker says he came to deliver a Balloon-O-Gram and Oliver attacked him. The nurse totally buys it and tries to help him. Chloe walks in just as the nurse is trying to free him. "You!" Chloe says, "you're Winslow Schott!" She tells the nurse not to untie him. Too late. He uses his free hand to activate a remote. It pops the balloons, filling the room with dangerous gas. Toymaker sticks a metal tube into his mouth, one that has a sticker of a happy mouth on it. He breathes through it as the nurse collapses. Chloe falls, too. He walks right out, sucking on the tube. He pauses at the door to smile and say, "I win." No, Winslow, I think we all lose. This is a no-win game right here. He leaves on that cheesy line and we get to have a commercial so we can collect our thoughts and have a good cry.
Commercials. He's Just Not That Into You. Or this movie.
The Talon. Lana and Clark have fished the dummy back out of the trash and have given it to Chloe, who has somehow acquired the skill to break it apart and connect its circuit board to her laptop. As she messes with the computer, Clark is standing nearby calling Lana and telling her he picked up Chloe from the hospital, who apparently has had no ill effect from being gassed. Why would Toymaker let her live? That seems like a pretty big fucking plothole right there. "This Toy Man Guy got away," Clark tells Lana. Uh... huh. Clark tells Lana to keep looking for the bomb. Clark leaves the voice message in staccato like it's being sent via telegram. Chloe asks Clark if he's not supposed to be hunting for the bomb, too. Cark says the wireless camera may be their only shot at tracking down Lex. Clark says Lana is already searching for at the newspaper. The paper where she has no security access? Sure, trust her to do that. Chloe says the signal was definitely being broadcast to one receiver. She managed to get past Lex's "Gaggle of ghost routers." GHOST ROUTER, CAMERA ANTI-HEEEEERO! She managed to track down a single IP address. Clark asks where Lex is. Chloe says it's more like when; he's been on the move the whole time. Clark thought he was immobilized. Chloe says he may be, but his IP address is, "Still leaping tall wireless towers in a single bound." Oh, the dialogue shame. Chloe says she locked the signal with one of Oliver's satellites and sync'd it with her PDA. She hands it to Clark. Uh... does this thing play Enigmo? Chloe says she made Clark a "Lex Tracker." Where was this thing when Clark was six years younger and way hornier? Clark watches a red dot moving across Metropolis on a city map. Chloe says that the satellite is about to go out of range, so Clark only has to minutes before the signal goes out. Couldn't she have routed it to another of Oliver's satellites? Clark stands there instead of using those 10 minutes.
The Daily Planet. Clark whooshes into the basement, calling for Lana. Lana whooshes in right to him. I thought Clark was going after Lex. What the Hell? She says she searched every room, but couldn't find anything. "Like you said, we're a team," Clark tells her. So you both couldn't find the bomb. Great. An alarm bell is ringing and the building seems empty. Clark uses his superhearing. The camera spins around him and the lights go hyper-bright. He hears something buzzing and whirring. "It's on the roof," he tells Lana. She didn't bother to check the roof? The roof where she just stood last week? What kind of useless wannabe superhero is Lana? Clark should just tell her to go away right then. Clark zips off.
Overhead shot of the newspaper's spinning rooftop globe. The camera does an acrobatic cartwheel as Clark and Lana emerge from the door to the roof. They find two stubby pillars of glowing green, each with a giant glowing green ball on top. Wires stick out of each of the balls and the effect is that they look like two giant, pole mounted Martian testicles. I'm sure that was the desired effect. Clark steps forward, then hesitates as he feels a jolt of pain. Lana says that this much Kryptonite could take out half the city. She knows this... how? "Clark Kent and Lana Lang," a lugubrious, low voice says, "welcome to your destiny." Who the Martian balls is that? "You destroyed me in every way," the voice says. We cut to Faux-Lex, with his mask and tubes, staring angrily with one eye. It doesn't look at all like Michael Rosenbaum and even though the voice is supposed to be masked, it doesn't sound like his inflections either. It's a big, stupid Lex Fail. A Lexdown, if you will. Not-At-All-Lex says that now he's going to take away what matters most to each of them. Getting away from this show and not letting it ruin their careers? "Lex?" Lana says, as if she recognizes the voice, which is impossible. Dully, Lex asks if they remember what people remember the most about star-crossed romances. He says it's not how the lovers met, it's how the relationships tragically end. He goes on to say, in his muddy voice, that the suit Lana is wearing is designed to absorb enough Kryptonite that Clark won't ever be able to go near her again. And the downside is...? Weakly, Clark says, "You're a coward, Lex." Clark demands that Clark come out and face them. Yeah, I'll get right on that when I have some legs and my ass doesn't look like boiled bacon. "No, Clark. It's time for you to face your defining moment," Not-Lex says. Is that what this is? Because I thought it was just another shit moment in a long history of lame crucibles for Clark. Bad idea to do a close-up on Faux Lex, by the way. It just reminds us how little this looks like our old Lexypro. The villain says they could walk away, sacrificing innocent lives to stay together, or they could defuse the bomb and sacrifice their love forever. Couldn't Clark superspeed the bomb somewhere, even though he's in pain? Just kick the thing? Call one of the Justice Leaguers like Flash for help? I guess Fake Lex would just make it blow up. Still, he could maybe put on his future ring and call his buddies in the Legion to help a brother deal with some Kryptonite. Lana turns to Clark and says his name softly. Clark looks around, pained. "You have to," he says. Lana, teary-eyed makes her lip tremble. She puts her hand on Clark's cheek. They kiss. For once, semi-passionately. Faux Lex is like, "No! Fuck! That's not supposed to happen! Bitches, this isn't romantic! Stop! I demand you stop!" Or rather, he just sits there and watches them, breathing hoarsely. Lana steps back from Clark. She walks to the giant Martian testicles. She steps behind and between them as the villain watches. Clark gulps. Lana lays a palm on each of the giant testes. She glows green as their power surges into her. The green lights flicker and the balls blaze. Lana hovers above the balls and her hands are green with fire. The wind picks up. Lana grits her teeth and looks up. She looks frightened. Sparks everywhere. There's a flash of bright white-green light and suddenly, Lana falls to the ground. The towers are now glowing like blue neon. Clark calls her name and steps forward, but groans. Welcome to how I feel whenever I see Lana on this show. Or Lois, for that matter. Are you sure she's not full of Kryptonite, too? Lana's breath hitches as she looks to Clark. Her eyes fill with tears. "Lex," Clark says grimly. He zips away. "Clark!" Lana says as she stands. She looks nauseous.
Clark stands on a street alley holding the PDA in his hand. There's a giant trailer parked nearby. The PDA is counting down from 10 seconds. "You'll never hurt anyone else ever again," Clark says flatly. He begins walking to the rig, but Lana zips to appear in front of him. Clark holds his stomach and steps back. Lana says she knows how much it hurts right now, but if Clark proceeds, he will kill Lex. Now she's lecturing Clark on his deepest principle? What the fuck? DO NOT KILL, CLARK. Do we need to get you a tattoo to remind you? Clark says that after what Lex has done to them, he needs to be stopped. So it wasn't all right to kill Lex when he was slaughtering people or planning to blow up half the city, but now that you can't go near your schmoopie, killing is the plan? You suck, Clark. You really, really suck. Stiffly, Lana says, "I promise that I will help you to punish Lex. But if you kill him, you will lose so much more than us being together. Clark. You will lose yourself." That doesn't sound like such a bad thing right now. The truck suddenly blows up. We see a quick flash of Faux Lex's one eye widening and his skin glowing red. Lana is pushed forward by the blast. That's one big explosion. Lana and Clark look surprised. So... no killing then? Agreed.
Commercials. 3G dead zones. Not as tragic as they sound.
At the Isis Foundation, Chloe waits as an inkjet printer spits out a perfect black and white photo of the truck wreck in about half a second. Chloe squints in disbelief as she notices something on one of the big monitors of Lana's Control Center. She uses her Apple Mighty Mouse, the one with the gross nipple, to zoom in. It's a surveillance camera at the hospital. She sees Oliver leaving his room, fully dressed. In his hand, he's holding the explosive monkey toy. Chloe can't believe it. A monkey who plays the cymbals? That's just crazy! Oliver is suddenly standing behind her, back near the doorway. "Lex deserved to die, Chloe," he says. Why doesn't she have a surveillance camera for this office? Chloe, wearing a tight, red satin top, says Oliver certainly made sure Lex got what he deserved. She says the remains were identified at Lex's. There were remains? Oliver shifts his eyes left and right. "What does Clark think?" he asks. Honestly? Not much. Chloe says Clark thinks the Toymaker must have turned on Lex since pieces of the bomb were found in the wreckage. I don't suppose Clark will ever ask Toymaker directly to see if that's true. Oliver thinks about it. "Must kill Toymaker," he adds to his mental to-do list. Oliver looks at a copy of that day's paper. The A1 headline reads, "TOY BOMBER STILL AT LARGE." They used his employee photo. How sad for him. Oliver says that makes sense; the Toymaker was playing a game he couldn't win. Chloe looks disgusted. She can't believe Oliver is going to let another man take the blame for something he did. Yeah, well. Them's the breaks. Oliver rationalizes, saying that Winslow had already killed the LuthorCorp board and was planning to take down The Planet. He says one more death's not gonna make a difference. "Are you listening to yourself?" Chloe asks, "you're really crossed a line here!" Ollie says that Lex is dead. The world and Clark are safer because of it. Chloe says it's murder. Oliver calls it justice. Tomato. To-mah-to. Let's call the whole thing off. No, seriously. Can we call the whole thing off before there's a Season Nine? Oliver doesn't think Clark will be able to accept the justice angle. Oliver tells Chloe she knows what he did was right. He also tells her not to stand there looking so innocent. Take it off! Oliver circles around Chloe. He says he did some video viewing of his own. He found footage of Chloe killing a meteor freak herself named Sebastian Kane. Chloe shakes her head. She's near tears. She says it was Brainiac, not her. "Whatever," Oliver says. He tells her it was a natural instinct to protect Clark. He says that now that Lex is gone, she ought to be relieved. Chloe is almost crying. She says every fiber of her conscience wants to say it's not true. "But..." Ollie says she can't tell Clark. "Lex just ripped the man's heart out," he says. Oliver says Clark will need his friends around him, nor more than ever. He walks out as Chloe stands there, conflicted.
Clark is walking along the charred remains of the trailer where Lex supposedly died. A sad ballad is playing, "Goodnight, Travel Well," by The Killers. The song is dark and has an appropriate ticking song embedded in it. Clark picks up a handful of ash. He lets it go slowly. Stupid, stupid ash! Clark stares sadly at the broken truck. Mist swirls behind him.
The broken boardroom. Oliver is staring at the photo of Lex, which miraculously survived the explosion. Only the glass of the frame is broken. The camera pulls around Oliver as he stares at the real Lex's face. Oliver opens his hand to reveal a Kryptonite ring. He stares at it, then at Lex. No idea what this means. Is Oliver becoming Lex? The Hell?
The music is still playing and everything is still in slow motion as we see Lana and Chloe sitting side-by-side in the Talon apartment. There's fire in the fireplace. Chloe puts a hand on Lana's shoulder. They hug. Lana looks sad. She closes her eyes. Now that Clark's not viable, I sure hope they get some lesbian action going here.
Clark walks up the steps to the loft at the Kent Barnness of Last Crappy Barn Scenitude. The music is still going. "There's nothing I can say / Nothing I can do now," the lyrics say, which is pretty apt for Clark's passive ass. Lana is standing at the top of the barn, near the window. She's wearing all black, including a sleeveless top. The song climaxes as Clark and Lana look at each other longingly. Clark starts to walk toward Lana. She tells him to stop. She doesn't want to hurt him. "Lex already took care of that," Clark says. Mope. Clark asks if she talked to Dr. Science. "Can he help us?" he asks. Lana shakes her head. That's it, then? I thought the guy was a genius. Clark says he'll do whatever it takes to fix this and find a way for them to be together. Lana backs away. Lana says Dr. Science tried everything, but can't reverse the process. What has it been, half an hour? Give him some time! Geez. Clark stands there, silent. "I love you," Lana says, "I always will." Great. I thought they were going to get some closure up in here. But Clark's always going to crippled by this and Lois Lane, whomever she is, is going to get sloppy seconds. At best. Lana says she knows what to do with her life now. Get the fuck out of here, to start. "Life is... so precious... so beautiful," she says, laying down the platitudes. She says it's a gift to be able to protect life. She knows Clark feels the same way. It sure doesn't seem like it right now. "What we have is beautiful," he says. Not from this angle. Lana nods. She says they made their choice on that roof and they'd do it again. She says it's what they're driven to do, even if they can't do it together. Clark tells her not to leave. Clark says that if they can't be together, he still wants Lana in his life. Good lord, why? Lana says that's where Clark is stronger than her. She says to see Clark down the street every day and not be able to touch him... she trails off. "Stay," Clark tells her. She shakes her head. Lana is in tears as Clark walks to her. "Clark, don't," she warns. He fights past the pain and goes to her as she grimaces. Clark gasps and groans and limps as he walks to her. He almost stumbles, but makes it over. Lana tries. Clark grabs her arms. He pulls her closes and kisses her snotty, crying face. His mouth looks like it's aging and begins to wrinkle and crack. Ew! It's like kissing a rotting piece of cheese! Clark keeps kissing her as the wrinkles spread across his face. Gross! His face turns white and Clark looks like he's going to throw up. He finally backs away and falls. This is some fucked-up shit, right here. Lana loses it. She puts a hand on her mouth and walks away. "Goodbye, Clark," she says. She stops at the stairs, looks back at him but she's smiling. Clark is still kneeling near the window. She reminds him of the time they were at the cemetery and she introduced him to her mom and dad. Ah yes. 2-for-1 Pancake Night. He remembers it well. She says Clark told her she'd never be alone and that her parents would always be with her. Oh yeah, he was, what, 16? He probably had that written in an old spiral notebook for an English assignment. Lana says that if they stay in each other's hearts, Lana will always be with Clark. Dragging him down. Making him lame. "No matter what," she says, sniffling, "I love you." Clark scrunches up his face. Lana, red-eyed, turns and goes down the stairs in freaky slow motion. Clark, open-mouthed, watches her go. She walks, still in slow motion. Then she's gone. Finally. Damn. Clark finally gasps, "I love you." It might be poignant that he said it after she left, but we know she has superhearing. And all of Clark's other powers. And none of his weaknesses. Why is this show still about him? Clark stumbles over. He's in serious pain. The show goes to black and strings play us out so we don't have to look at his pathetic ass a moment longer.
So... that. Sucked. Are you angry? Disappointed? Dejected? Are you even still watching? The only silver lining is that there won't be another episode for a month. See you then. Maybe.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity." You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com and hear him on NPR's "All Tech Considered," Mondays as part of All Things Considered.