Dr. Science is conducting some super-awesome skin-grafting experiment, presumably under Still-Alive Lex's orders. It turns out the recipient of the experiment is one Lana Lang, Squirrel/Human, who is having her skin ripped off and replaced with super-duper exoskeletal superpower skin. It's still creamy and suitable for Neutrogena commercials, though. But we'll get to the skin in a moment.
Clark, bummed and confused about last night's kiss with Lana, goes to talk to her, but finds she's been kidnapped and her new best friend, Tess, is also looking for her. Clark finds a necklace in the apartment Lana is now sharing with Chloe, and it leads Tess to tell the whole story of how Lana was kidnapped by Lex's dudes after she awoke from her catatonia and forced to send Clark that breakup DVD, filmed under duress. But, she managed to free herself from her captors, perfectly razor-cut her hair into a bob in a dingy bathroom and seek some mystical-ass training guru who taught her to fear nothing and be more badass. Clark tracks down the guy and gets the rest of the story. No, it's not a bad dream, but it sure feels like it. Lana learns to be awesome, but still wants more power. Her trainer, suddenly very attached, can't convince her not to take down LuthorCorp, so he goes undercover within the organization. Lana goes to Dr. Science directly and convinces him to use Project Prometheus on her to give her super powers instead of using it on Lex to revive his broken body. Her argument is that she'll help save people and Lex will use the power to destroy the world. Amazingly, Dr. Science agrees, but they make it look like Lana was kidnapped and forced into the skin-grafting thing against her will.
Lex's right-hand man Regan resurfaces and plays cat-and-mouse with Tess, who tries to hire him away. He doesn't go for it. They get into a fight and Tess beats the living crap out of him, showing absolutely no Mercy. He seems pretty dead. , she goes after Dr. Science, but Lana, emerging from her pool of skin-water with Clark-like speed and strength, saves him by stopping a fired bullet at super-fast speeds. Prometheus, remarkably, worked, although they don't explain how having new skin can make you run really fast. Tess later finds Lana at the castle, burning all the scientific evidence. Lana warns her about her bitterness toward Lex and lectures about doing good in the world. Lame.
Lana asks Clark to meet her on the roof of The Daily Planet. There, they talk about Lana's new powers. She says they're equals now and she wants them to both do save people and stop crime and all that shit. And best of all, she says, Clark doesn't have to worry about her getting hurt anymore. Clark finally stops fretting for one second to agree that it could be awesome. They kiss. Presumably things go further from there, but we don't see it.
So, Lana, the character we pretty much wrote off completely before her recent return is now Clark's "equal?" In every regard? Did anybody ever want that? Seriously. What the fuck, show?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then check out our comic geek's guide to the Superheroes of Smallville! And check back week for the full recap!
Maybe it's best that last week the preview was a repeat and didn't really show what was going to happen in this episode, because if I'd known beforehand, I might have resigned my post and run for Canada (but not the direction of Canada where this show is filmed).
Nevertheless! Here we are and here we go. Please keep a vomit bag handy. We open on a very fancy and no doubt nefarious lab. A pipe is pouring water into a big tank while dudes in dark biohazard suits are working. Dr. Science, wearing an especially long-faced expression, bounds up to a platform. His lab coat is open, exposing his manly tie and sensible shirt. Do you like what Dr. Science is cooking? It's science-y. Some eggheaded young jerkoff tells Dr. Science that it's not too late to suspend the procedure. But that wouldn't be in keeping with Dr. Science tradition, now would it? Dr. Science says their orders are to move forward. "At what cost?" Whiny Egghead asks. Listen, you little bitch, the cost is your life if you don't move forward. Got it? Egghead whines that he knows Mr. Looo-thor (nice pronunciation there) wants to get up on his feet, but they're nowhere near ready to test this on a human. He says the studies on mice haven't even started. And the kangaroo tests are still a month away. Should he still even bother ordering the African rhinoceros at this point? Dr. Science doesn't even look his way when he says it doesn't matter. Mr. Luthor wants them to proceed, so that's what they're doing. Strap in, Junior. You're about to get blinded by motherfucking SCIENCE! He asks where they are with the molecular transfusion. Oh no. I didn't bring molecules. Did you bring molecules? SHIT! Does anybody here have any molecules? How are we supposed to do a molecular transfusion without any molecules? WE CAN'T, PEOPLE! Jeez! A woman nearby informs Dr. Science that the subject's vitals are stable and they're all set to go. Dr. Science takes a long dramatic moment. He darts his eyes left and right. I think he's gonna sing "Walk Like an Egyptian." Dr. Science climbs up more stairs so he can get a better view of the water tank. "Begin the transdermal evisceration," he tells an assistant. Whoah. That sounds... harsh. My skin is itchy. The woman nods and pushes a button. We hear a machine spinning up. In the water, we see a lady's body. There's electrical current in the liquid and suddenly, the body bursts into flames. Yes, in the water. Dr. Science watches in awe. Oh sweet fire, my old friend. The camera pushes through the flames until we see the face underwater. That's no lady! It's Lana Lang! She looks scared and is holding her breath. She suddenly opens her mouth and does a silent scream, air bubbles floating toward us. Yikes!
Opening credits. Commercials. College students love Olive Garden! But they also love uncooked Ramen noodles and Jagermeister, so take that with a grain of salt.
Kent Farm, daytime. The cows can't believe they're still alive after eight seasons. Is there a retirement home for TV cattle? Chloe enters without knocking. Her hair is done up in some weird sock/beret mashup hat. It's not so much flattering as flattening. And speaking of which, Allison Mack directed this episode. I think I can safely say that it's mostly not her fault this one is complete crap. It's pretty quiet, but Chloe finds Clark nearby in the living room, watching the breakup DVD that Lana shot before she left town. "I need you, but the world needs you more," she said into the camera. She goes on to say that she's holding Clark back. Clark, wearing a bright red T-shirt, is leaning against a wall, watching the TV. Chloe grabs the remote and turns it off as Clark looks surprised and a bit shamed. She says that you know you're bored when you're watching a repeat of your breakup. Clark says he wanted to remind himself why Lana left. Chloe sits, asking if there was something recently that made him forget. Clark hesitates before telling her that the night before they, "Kind of... kissed." Chloe smiles, surprised. Clark says it was a mistake and that he doesn't know what he was thinking. Was he thinking? Chloe assures him that it's not a crime and that getting to first base isn't a felony. The stuff Clark used to do with Lex, now that was a felony in quite a few states. Clark thinks it's better for both of them to keep things in the past. Chloe, for some reason, is egging him on, saying that he's no good at suffocating those kinds of feelings. Clark, a bit angrily, says that Lana was right about holding him back. Since she left, he escaped from the farm (you mean the farm you're standing on?), got a job and started helping people. Chloe asks if that's because of Lana or because he just grew up and figured out what he wants to do. Clark has no answer for that. He makes a "Brain hurts!" face. Chloe suggests that Lana might not be the liability that he thinks. Oh, trust me. She's a fucking liability. On the asset/liability chart for this show, you have to put LANA in 100-point bold text at the top of the liability column. Chloe asks how Lana feels about this. He points to the DVD. Chloe says that was seven months ago and people change. Chloe suggests Clark stop speculating and go talk to Lana. She says Lana's probably at Chloe's Talon apartment right now. Clark looks put off by having to do any real emotional work.
The Talon marquee. "Silent Film Festival" is back! Or did it ever leave? Clark knocks on the apartment door and calls Lana's name. There's no answer, so he enters. The door's not locked. Clark looks around. The place looks torn apart. Wow, Lana's quite the short-term slob. Tess suddenly appears behind Clark, pointing a gun at him. "Clark!" she says in surprise. How the fuck did Clark not hear someone else in the room? Tess says she didn't know it was Clark. But she doesn't stop pointing the gun at him. Clark says he didn't know breaking and entering was one of her hobbies. That's two hobbies, Clark. Tess says the damage was done when she got here. She says she was worried about Lana and came to warn her, but was too late. Clark asks what she was to be warned about. Tess says Lana was poking around in some sensitive, classified LuthorCorp technology. She pronounces the "P" in "Corp." Clark can't believe what he's hearing. He asks if she's not in charge of LuthorCorp. Tess finds a cordless phone on the floor that has been left on and is buzzing. Tess says she's in charge of everything but the nanotechnology dedicated to sustaining Lex's life. Why is she telling Clark about this? Tess says the bear may be hibernating, but he's not going to let his honey get stolen. Bear? Honey? Lady, that sounds delicious! I could go for a bear claw right now. Clark asks if Lex is behind whatever happened to Lana. Tess is sure of it. She's concerned. Clark asks when they became so chummy. Tess is grateful for Lana showing her the monster that Lex really is. But she doesn't elaborate. Tess says this wouldn't be the first time that Lex has kidnapped Lana from afar. Then she realizes that Lana didn't tell Clark about it. Tess asks Clark how he thought Lana got a video camera so soon after waking from a coma. She gives Clark a lot of credit in thinking that he thinks these things through. As Tess speaks, the camera moves to the right and transitions right into another scene on the same soundstage (or it could just be clever editing, I'm not sure).
The wall moves off camera and we see Lana standing in a dark room, being videotaped by a camera mounted on a tripod with a light on top. The point of view shifts until we see two men behind the camera. No, it's not Al or Miles. These guys are wearing suits and one of them is pointing a gun. The other one is in charge of Autofocus. Lana ends her message, telling Clark she loves him. She turns off the camera. "Now let me go," she tells the men. The guy with the gun says they're keeping her safe after her coma. Now take off your top. The second guy puts a hankie on Lana's mouth as she struggles and helps her fall asleep. Oh, it's gonna be one of those videos. Dirty! Just then, Tess walks in. (Or rather, Tess from seven months ago.) She tells them to get Lana in the van and to meet her at the compound.
Quick cut back to Clark, who angrily says that Lana never wanted to leave, she just wanted to escape from Tess. "You're no better than Lex!" he tells her. Tess says she thought Lex was doing the right thing and didn't know any better. She was told that Lana was in the asylum because of Clark. That the relationship was so dysfunctional because Clark was always hurting her. Well, that part was true. Clark has to chew on that for a while.
A dark van is hauling ass down a road in a place that looks nothing like Smallville. Lana wakes up, face down, in the back. She sees a man in a suit sitting in the back with her and asks where she's being taken. He says, "To a place where you'll be protected." He hands her a bottled water. It's the two guys from the horrible video shoot. Lana thinks Lex has been watching her and waiting for her to wake up. The Henchman says that Lex is trying to help. Funny how that goes sometimes. Lana says she's not feeling well and that she's going to throw up. The guy turns around for a second, giving Lana just enough time to kick him. I'm starting to think she really wasn't going to throw up at all! Lana grabs the guy's arm and swings him so he hits the back window of the van with his face. She sees his gun on the floor and picks it up. She aims it at him. He does not keep his cool at all. "Wait, wait, wait! Just calm down!" he cries. Lana shoots him in the upper right shoulder. Calm THIS! The driver turns around, thinking, "Oh, shit. Not again!" He stops the van. Everything flies forward except Lana for some reason. He raises his hands as Lana points the gun at him. She tells him to leave the ignition on and exit the van. He does so, along with his wounded co-worker. Lana turns the van around and drives in the opposite direction. She grits her teeth and eyes the road ahead.
A dusty gas station. Lana parks the van and the camera follows her feet at ground level. Holy Tarantino shot! It follows her flared-out-at-the-bottom jeans as she runs into an apparently abandoned bathroom. The camera rolls along the floor of the extremely large, bare restroom. We see Lana standing in front of a mirror. She stares at herself. Her eyes transfixed by her own overpowering beauty, she pulls out a razor and starts cutting at chunks of her hair. She cuts methodically. Chop. Chop. Hair in the sink. She turns around and has cut a perfect bob that even Jonathan of Blow Out couldn't have achieved so quickly. I think people are still going to recognize you, Lana. I guess this was just a symbolic shedding. We abruptly cut to commercial.
Commercials. What's the iPhone App I can download that will watch and recap the rest of this episode for me? I don't care if you're not feeling well, get on it Steve Jobs!
Back at The Talon, Clark and Tess are still not doing anything of significance. Clark asks who the thugs were who kidnapped Lana the first time. He thinks they might have acted again. Tess doesn't answer. "WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?!" Clark yells. Tess stares at him with wide, scared eyes. That could have used a bit of an edit there. It looks a bit awkward. She says the two thugs are dead. Lex's current hires are new. Clark looks over at a nightstand and uses his X-ray vision. There's something inside in the shape of an eagle crest. He goes over to grab it. It's a necklace. My mistake; it's a dragon. Made to look like an eagle crest. It's a dreagle. Or an eagon. One of those two things. Clark's not sure what it is, either. "Doesn't seem like Lana's taste," he says when Tess asks about it. Tess knows what it is. She says her strategic supervisor Carter Bowfry (let him go free!) owns it.
Stately Luthor Manor. We see a man in a suit and dapper orange striped tie coming out of the Former Lair of Lex just as we hear something whoosh nearby. Clark is standing there waiting for him. "What did you do with Lana?" he asks. The dapper man tries to walk past Clark, saying he doesn't know who Clark's talking about. Clark grabs him and slams him against the wall. "Don't lie to me!" Clark barks. He says he found the medallion in her apartment. Lana has her own apartment now? Smoothly, Carter says, "My medallion... is right here." He busts out with his own dragondallion. Whoops. Clark didn't know you could get those at the flea market, three for $5. "They're exactly the same," Clark says. You noticed! He leans forward and gives Carter the stink-eye. "How do you know Lana?" he asks the guy. Carter looks to the side as if he's being watched and suggests Clark back down right now. Clark says she's been kidnapped. Carter does seem to be a bit concerned about that. Clark asks for help finding her. "You can trust me," Clark says. Even though you just met me and I threw you against the wall. I'm trustworthy! "You must be Clark," Carter purrs. "How do you know my name!?" cries Overreaction Clark. Jeez, man, calm down. He knows Lana, it's not a stretch that your name might have come up, you big, dumb, fucking alien. Chill it down a notch, spaceboy! Carter says he gave Lana that medallion last spring in Edge City. It was Dragon Medallion Day at the Edge City Pontoons Stadium and they'd had one too many Budweisers. As Carter talks, the camera swings right and again shifts to another scene.
We see a man at a work table welding. We hear Carter say in voiceover, "I don't know how she tracked me down, but she did." Lana is coming down a set of stairs. She's got her short hair. It's raining. This must be one of those outdoor urban welding studios. Lana announces, before introducing herself, that money means nothing to her and she'll pay whatever he wants. Luckiest gigolo day ever! The man takes off his welding goggles. It's Carter. He puts on a Southern accent and says he's just a retired teacher living off his pension. Lana knows that he trained with Navy SEALs and Green Berets to withstand pain and torture. He's in this episode, isn't he? The training paid off. Lana, dripping wet, says she's done her homework and needs his help. He turns and looks her up and down. It's a bit creepy. He keeps the drawl. "What I have to teach yer not ready ta learn," he says. Lana, with her fierce face at the ready, says he'd be surprised. She just wants a chance. Carter says she's not a soldier or government agent. He wants to know why she's there. "I want to be invincible," she tells him. Also, I'd like a pony. With a unicorn horn, but not a pony unicorn! Make it happen, dude. Carter says he's all for girl power, but she's going to have to find it on her own. He calls her "sweetheart." Lana says she's not asking. She's telling him. "If you help me, I promise you, you'll be helping the world," she tells him. Not that you have a messiah complex or anything like that. Lightning flashes as thunder rumbles. God is like, "Oh, hell no! She did not just say that!" Carter thinks about it. Why, yes, I do think I will help this wayward squirrel trying to get a world-saving nut.
We skip right to Lana's "I will be AWESOME!" training. She's dunked in a tub full of ice and is staring up at us from under water. Her face sputters and her eyes cross. She comes up for air, gasping. She sits in the metal tub, shivering. Carter, standing in the shadows of the background, says she was barely under. "It's too cold!" she says. She shakes and breathes heavily. Carter says she's weaker than he thought. Lana complains that life hasn't been a walk in the park lately. "Oh, poor pitiful you," Carter teases, "how long you been feelin' sorry for yourself? Lemme guess. Your entire life." Yes! That's it! This guy's a fucking genius. Can we ditch all these other jackasses and make the show about him? Lana frowns. She has no good response for that. Instead, she ducks down back under the icy water. The camera slides to the side and brings us back out behind Carter's suit coat, present day.
"You tortured her?" Clark asks. "I trained her," Carter says. The camera spins around them as they shoot lines back and forth. Carter says that's why she came back stronger. Clark lies: "She's always been strong!" he claims. Clark thinks it's Carter's fault she's missing. Carter says that all he did was help her get over the one thing that was holding her back. The camera goes back behind Carter and comes back out around Lana, back during her training.
"What are you waiting for?" Carter is asking Lana. She's wearing a tight tank top. There's a table holding a set fiery stones in front of Lana. "Just not used to scorching myself," she tells him. Carter, walking behind her, tells her to get used to it. Lana is sweaty, but it looks more like she's just been oiled up around the neck and upper torso. Arms crossed, Carter tells her, "No fear. No pain." No... cupcakes, I'm guessing? Lana looks at a metal bar in front of her that is glowing red on both ends. She places her wrists beneath it, palms up. Carter watches. Lana flinches and removes her hands. "I can't," she says. Carter says it's not fear stopping her. It's that she's holding on to something or someone. Lana tries to deflect, but Carter says he can feel him. Deep inside. Inches. Hold that thought, Lana. I need a minute. Carter says that if she tries to be someone she's not, she'll always be vulnerable. She'll feel pain. "What's their name?" he asks Lana. Lana says his name is Clark and if she had an ounce of his strength -- "I am not teaching you to be like someone else!" Carter interjects. He's training her to be Lana Lang. Oh, Lord help us. Lana Lang boot camp. It's like Disneyland if Al and Miles had built it. Carter wants her to rise from the ashes of her life and be stronger, more powerful. Fearless. Minty. With a cool asymmetrical haircut. "It's time to rise," he tells her. Lana grits her teeth. She places her palms beneath the metal bar. Lana lifts. Her skin hisses against the hot metal. Smells like burnt tree rodent! Lana struggles, then finally puts it down. Carter is proud of her. Lana's wrists are all fucked up now. Good luck with that Palmolive audition.
Later on, Carter unwraps a cloth full of little knives. Lana comes up behind him, fully dressed and ready to bail on this shithouse. She's even got on a leather coat. Carter takes a look behind him and says she doesn't look ready for class. Let the condescension begin! "Carter, I have learned so much from you," Lana says, not like a warrior, but like a trainee at hotel desk school. Lana says that what she needs she can't get here. For instance, there's no Jamba Juice nearby. Carter says that what she needs are skills and maturity. "I need power," she says. That stops Carter. He thinks she'll have it, but it doesn't happen overnight. Lana says she's had it before, in ways Carter can't even imagine. She wasn't ready for those powers, physically, emotionally or mentally. Thanks to Carter, she says, she's now ready. Carter says he's seen this before. It was Yoda in Empire Strikes Back. He says the quest for power usually doesn't have a happy ending. He goes over to a box on his shelves and retrieves a medallion necklace. Lana says she doesn't deserve it. That's right, you don't. Carter wants her to keep it as a reminder that as you go higher and higher, never look down. Lana looks down and to the left. Oops! She eyes the necklace, wondering how much a Metropolis pawn shop might pay for that.
We cut to Clark holding the same necklace in his hand. Clark asks where she went . "Metropolis," Carter tells him. They hear a door close nearby and Carter nods for them to move along. Carter says Lana was determined to spread this power of positivity on the world. He didn't want anything to happen to her, as she was his chance at redemption for all the death and destruction he's caused in the past. Nice backstory. Sure you don't want to flesh that out some more? No? All right, then. Carter says Lana returned to investigate LuthorCorp. He told her to put it in the past, but she wouldn't listen. Some student. Carter says he got a job on the inside, advising Tess while he fed Lana information. Clark, absorbing all this information, asks if Lana contacted anyone else in Metropolis when she came back. She contacted Chloe.
Dr. Science's crazy lab. His weak-ass assistant tells him that Lana is barely alive. "It's the only way to add the nanites," Science says. The nanites are what make the skin delicious and savory! It's the nutmeg of dermal science! He looks at Lana through a window. Her body is all red from lack of flesh. "Begin the grafting," Dr. Science says. Close-up on Lana's face. Her skin is actually still there, it just looks like she got a full-body microdermabrasion. Her face has red lines on it and her veins stand out. We hear a machine wind up. "Applying the Prometheus layer" a voice says over the speakers. Mist surrounds Lana. Lightning flashes. There seems to be electricity coursing through her skin. Good thing she can sleep through it.
Commercials. Using the Cheers theme to advertise Diet Dr. Pepper just seems wrong in so many ways.
Metropolis skyline, nighttime. A Town Car is parked on a congested city street. Tess is looking out at the street, with no Lex looking out from her own peepers. Someone gets into the back seat of the car to her. She rolls up the window. Tess tells Regan that the cloak-and-dagger lifestyle suits him well. Hey, Regan! Good to see you, Number Two! Regan looks pissed just to be in the same car as this redheaded trollop. She asks if he found what he was looking for when he broke into Lana's apartment. Sadly, the only panties there belonged to Chloe and she's taken. Sad Regan sigh. "Still lookin'. Just like you," he tells her. He says he's trying to find the technology to keep Lex alive, not to destroy it. She says the world believes he's dead and she's just trying to make it a reality. Regan wonders if Tess really thinks she can pull that and not end up dead herself. She says Regan is pretty pathetic as a guard dog. His master, she says, can't even feed himself. Can he bite the hand that feeds him, thereby making him the dog? I'm so confused by these twisty mixed metaphors. Tess asks Regan why he doesn't come work for her. Regan begins to chuckle even as she says, "I'll give you more Milk Bones than Lex ever did." Was that... was that a dick joke? Show, I am completely disgusted with you. We must keep higher moral standards! Bone, indeed. Regan says he'd rather shovel cow dung. Hey, I know a great farm in Smallville that needs just that service. Tess tells him it's not really a choice. She wants him to bring her the Prometheus technology. Regan takes a long, long pause. He says she's going to be waiting a long, long time. And not just for that sentence. Tess tells him to find it or she'll have to take it. By force. Very scary music plays on what's not a very scary moment at all. Don't overplay your hand, music director.
Back at Dr. Science's wacky dermatology lab. A voice announces that the regeneration is complete. We see Lana's water chamber, but don't see her inside. Instead, we get an extreme close-up of Dr. Science, telling his lackey to pull her out and put her in quarantine. Ew, does he have to touch her bleedy skin, too? Electricity continues to flash as Lana's platform is raised. Her skin now looks normal and creamy again. She's got a giant metal cylinder around her midsection which makes her look comically like the world's lamest robot. It's a barrel-shaped robot that wants to dive over Niagra Falls.
Chloe, still with her weird hat, is walking out of Metro Coffee Shop. A whoosh sounds off nearby, startling her. Chloe asks Clark to knock it off with the "Superscares" because she's going to have a heart attack. Clark asks how Chloe could do it. The hat? Well, you shop around in enough second-hand shops and... oh, he's talking about why she didn't tell him Lana had come to visit earlier. Chloe is in close-up right in front of us and Clark is very blurry in the background, over her shoulder. Chloe says Lana asked her not to. Are we back to this crap, again? I thought Clark understood the position it put Chloe in to be in the middle of his and Lana's never-ending drama. He's so quick to forget. Clark says that Chloe's awful, crappy respect for Lana might have gotten her kidnapped. Whoah, there, shithead. Chloe's responsible for Lana being in danger just because she followed Lana's order not to tell your dumb ass that she was in Metropolis so you wouldn't go over and get all moony and make a jackass out of yourself? Clark isn't just out of line, he's off the whole planet where the line is drawn. Shut UP, Clark! Jeez! Clark thinks he could have stopped Lana from getting hurt if he'd known what was going on. What makes you think Lana would have told you anything? Chloe shoots back that she wouldn't betray Lana's trust, just like she wouldn't do that to Clark. Clark insists this is different. No it's not. Not at all. Clark says he has abilities and can take care of himself, but Lana can't. Instead of apologizes for snapping, Clark gives Chloe a tiny sympathetic look, then says that all that matters is finding Lana now. Not Chloe's feelings. Not anybody's friendship. Nice going there, Clark. Clark demands to know everything Lana said to Chloe. Chloe starts by saying that Lana didn't come back to see her specifically. The camera shift up and to the right, past Chloe, to reveal the set of the Isis Foundation.
"She was on a mission," Chloe explains. Lana is kneeling to a radiator by a window. Chloe finds her there. Chloe, happy to see her, gives her a hug. Lana looks really worried. She tells Chloe she's only in town for a short stay. Instead of saying why she's there, Lana compliments Chloe for turning Isis into a real place that helps people from her own "dinky" operation. Chloe says she's carrying the torch Lana lit. Chloe reveals, with her ring finger, that she's getting married the following month. Lana's happy for her and calls it a "huge headline." She says "you two" make a perfect couple. I like how Lana assumes it's Jimmy she's marrying. Or was she purposefully being vague in not saying Jimmy's name? Chloe asks if Lana plans to stop and see Clark. "Eh, not this time," Lana says. She has been reading about the "Red-Blue Blur," though, and says that the article brought tears to her eyes. "I am so proud of him," she says. Chloe, suddenly suspicious, thinks Lana's in town for more than just checking in with her old pals. Lana averts her eyes and walks toward her command center. She says she came back to find out more about Project Ares. Without asking (though I guess she does own them), Lana goes right for the computer and starts typing away. Chloe remembers that Ares was Lex's plan to genetically engineer injured soldiers. Lana says Lex was doing it using alien DNA. On the screen, Lana zooms in on a schematic showing two human figures hooked up to each other on neighboring pods. Chloe, worried, says this should be in Lana's past, along with Lex. She asks why Lana doesn't just move on. (Dot org.) Lana says she is moving on. In exactly the backward direction. Chloe says Lana's not just playing with fire, she's stepping into a raging inferno. Chloe thinks Lana should tell Clark. Lana says she'll do that when the time is right. And that time will be never. Lana makes Chloe promise she won't say a word. Chloe looks reluctant and we don't actually see her promise. Lana assures Chloe that she can take care of herself now.
We cut back to Chloe at the present time, saying she was just trying to keep her friend's secret. Now, Chloe thinks it's all her fault. Maybe that's because Clark just told you to your face that this was all your fault. He has a way of bringing out the guilt in all those around him. Clark now says that Lana had to do it in that style so nobody would get in her way. "Especially me," he says. He asks Chloe if she checked on Project Ares after Lana left. Chloe says it was mothballed over a year ago, even before Lex went missing. Clark mentions Prometheus and how it was technology meant to keep Lex alive. Chloe asks why Clark is trusting anything Tess says. Clark thinks Tess is finally coming clean. He reveals the bit about the DVD that Lana shot and how it was taken under duress. Chloe stops Clark. She asks why Lana didn't come straight home to Clark if that were true. Clark hesitates before saying that she was too busy planning revenge on Lex. Clark says he has to find Lana before she does something she regrets. Well, she already came back to the show, so it might be too late for that.
The Daily Planet, still nighttime. Tess walks into her office and sees someone facing away from her, sitting behind her desk. We only see a small part of a man with a press badge clipped to a suit jacket. Tess calls the move "ballsy." She walks over. A bald man sitting in her chair has a small bullet wound on the forehead. Tess turns the chair around and sees the dead man's face. Regan is standing in the doorway, holding a revolver. He says he got information from the man before he died: the address for the Prometheus lab. Tess asks if working for Lex gives Regan carte blanche to kill innocent people. He laughs at "innocent" given that the guy worked for Tess. Regan says he used to be envious of Tess until he found out she was just being used by Lex as his eyes and ears. Tess says she has her own eyes and ears in the security cameras in the room. She says that Regan's interrogation and murder of her security guard has been recorded. Regan says it's nothing compared to what he saw Tess do when Lex let him look at some of her "highlights." Tess is really squicked out by that. Regan raises his gun and points it at her. He says he'll make sure some of them make it into her obituary. He cocks the gun. Tess quickly grabs his gun hand and pulls. She clocks him right in the face. Regan throws her against a filing cabinet and slaps her. She grabs a small, heavy-looking sculpture from on top of the cabinet and swings it, base first, at Regan, catching him right on the side of the face. He falls. Tess lifts up a foot and stomps him. She does it again. Blood splatters against a nearby window. More kicking and stomping. Tess kicks in slow motion. Then again. She totally loses it. Then she stops and looks down, seeing what she's done. Her eyes fill with tears. Then she wipes her lip and looks determined. Her face is covered in blood. Aw. Goodbye, sweet Number Two Regan.
Commercials. I wonder how many commercials telling kids not to smoke pot have actually kept any from smoking pot.
Isis. Chloe and Clark walk in as she explains Prometheus. No, Clark, it's not an allergy medicine. Chloe complains that she can't hack the LuthorCorp firewall now that she's Brainiac-free. Clark stares at the spot where Chloe told him she'd found Lana upon her return. It's where there's a radiator against the wall. Chloe doesn't connect in her head what Lana might have been doing there. Clark uses X-ray vision and spots something there. He moves the radiator and finds a safe behind it. Chloe comes over to check out Lana's "secret stash." Clark pulls open the safe. Inside, he finds a hard drive. Chloe docks it, noting that Lana didn't want any of the good stuff on the main computer. "Why do I feel like I'm cracking open her diary?" Clark mopes. Oh, just shut your mouth. Chloe says it might be the only way to save her. Chloe finds a video chat conversation between Lana and Dr. Science. "Who's this guy?" Clark asks. Dr. Science! But he's also known as Dr. Grohl. Chloe says that the guy's been at LuthorCorp since the first meteor shower and knows about all-things-alien. Chloe starts the video. Lana is telling Dr. Science that she knows he worked on Ares and she also knows about Prometheus. "I want to commend you. That is an amazing achievement," she says. Clark frowns. She's giving verbal blowjobs to everybody! Dr. Science tells "Ms. Luthor" that she must be mistaken. "It's Ms. Lang," she tells him, "that will never change." Lana tells Dr. Science that she wants to put his technology to good use. Lana reminds him that he developed a dermal thingamajig that will not only sustain Lex's life but give him superhuman abilities. Dr. Science teases Lana, asking if she's taken up reading comic books. We zoom in on Lana and go from watching her on video to seeing the scene play out in real-time. Lana is standing in the same command center room that Chloe and Clark were standing. She's telling Dr. Science that for someone who harnessed alien DNA to create the ultimate power suit, he's dangerously naïve. She asks what good his technology will do in the hands of a mad man. Crazy good! Lana says that they both know Lex is too dangerous to wear it. "But I can," she says. Dr. Science tries to interrupt, but Lana presses on. She says Lex will corrupt the suit's power. In case he didn't get the point, she says Lex will become a God among men and the world will never recover. She asks if he wants to enable Lex to become the ultimate weapon. It sounds kind of cool, now that you describe it that way. She better hope Dr. Science isn't a nihilist. She asks if he wouldn't rather be remembered for saving human lives and improving the human condition all over the world. Does he really think Lana's gonna do that? Dr. Science stares off into space thinking about it. Lana says she has a warehouse on 95th and Bristol where they can set up a lab. Dr. Science says it's not just him. He's got a staff, too. He doesn't think his researchers would allow it. Lana tells him to pretend it's on Lex's orders and that he wanted Lana to be the guinea pig. Lana says it's not so far-fetched.
We fade back to Clark and Chloe watching the video. "I don't think she was kidnapped," Chloe says. Clark realizes Lana doesn't want to destroy the technology, but use it on herself. The camera moves so Clark's face is close-up in the frame on the right and a blurry version of Lana is frozen on the screen behind him and to the left. Spooooky! Chloe gulps.
Lana is lying down in the lab, wearing a weird black body suit with purple stripes on it. She's in a sealed plastic bag chamber. Dr. Science is watching her vitals. He says her blood pressure's rising. His assistant says, "For now." He thinks the machines are what's keeping her alive. Dr. Science says she'll be fine. "She has to be," he says. Of course she does. It's not like the show has the balls to kill her off. Tess walks in. She wants to know where to find the Prometheus suit. Uh, third floor, Menswear? Dr. Science's assistant tries to come at her, but she smacks him right in the face. Ouchie! He falls. Dr. Science warns Tess not to enter that chamber. He says any contaminant could kill Lana. Tess walks past him to see what's up. She sees Lana lying there. Triumphant music plays. "Lana!" she whispers softly and tenderly as she looks at her new BFF. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Dr. Science calls out that it was Lex's orders. Good job! Always cover your ass. Tess turns. She says Prometheus must be destroyed. Dr. Science says it's too late. She can't destroy the suit without murdering Lana. "Lana Lang was born to be a martyr," she says. Oh, jeez. She aims her gun at Lana. Dr. Science dives at the gun and cries, hilariously, "NO!" They struggle with the gun and it goes off, shooting a piece of equipment. The electricity going to Lana's bubble goes off. Tess kicks Dr. Science in the little science balls. She aims the gun at him and says he'll never be able to help Lex Luthor again. He holds up one ineffectual hand in defense. She fires. The bullet goes into slow motion. Past it, we see Clark super-speeding into the room. Before he can get there, he sees something else. Lana is diving through the glass, her arms raise. Squirrel Power, bitches! She brings her arms down in a wave and there's yellow and orange streaks behind her. It looks like a particularly busy Journey album cover. Lana, at super speed, grabs the bullet. She pushes Tess aside. Then she notices Clark and smiles at him. Cheese! She rushes past Clark as Tess falls down. Clark just stares after Lana. Who was that freaky chick?!
Commercials. Fired Up! is what happens when you make a cheerleading movie and run out of ways to put Bring It On in the title.
Stately Luthor Manor, nighttime. Tess, stressed, is walking down a hallway, talking on the phone. "You find her before she finds me," she tells someone, "This woman is lethal." Not to worry. Lana is already there, burning documents in the office fireplace. They're documents related to Prometheus. Tess tries to run away, but Lana super-speeds around her and blocks her path. Tess lies and says she didn't know Lana was in there. "Yes, you did," Lana says. She says she's not there to hurt Tess. She's there as her friend. Tess smiles, then asks if it's her BFF that's opening her safe with her bare hands and burning her research. Why should she care? I thought she wanted to destroy Prometheus. Why should she care if the research goes up in flames? Tess says Lana's stretching the definition of "friendship" just a little bit. Lana steps toward Tess. Tess backs away. Lana says she doesn't want Tess to make the same mistake she did. Lana knows Tess wants revenge on Lex and says she's felt that "exact same rage." "He didn't implant a microchip in your brain," Tess says. Well, he did convince Lana she was pregnant and had a miscarriage, so there's that. Lana says that Tess is going down a long tunnel she'll never find her way out of. Tess says that's easy for Lana to say when she's in an invincible suit. True dat. Lana says she didn't get the suit for protection, but so that she could do some good in the world. Tess looks freaked out. Lana turns on her Flattery Powers: "You are an amazing woman, Tess!" she says. Lana says it's hard to see when Tess is stuck in the dark shadow of an even darker man. Like, how dark are we talking about here? Wesley Snipes? Lana says Tess might have gotten rid of the microchip, but Lex is still in control of her if she's consumed by hate for him. Tess looks down. Lana tells her not to be a victim anymore. Then she speeds away, making Tess's hair fly.
Daily Planet Clark, dressed up, is sitting at a computer doing a search for "Lana Lang." A reporter walks in, asking what Clark is doing there before the roosters rise. "Couldn't sleep," he says. Clark hears Lana say his name. He uses his super hearing. Lana tells him, "Meet me up on the rooftop."
The rooftop. Clark bursts through the door (not literally) saying, "Lana?" She's standing there, near the ledge. She's wearing a tight dark gray dress. Clark asks if she's all right. She says she's never felt better. There's an American flag behind her. Clark says that's because she has powers. He reminds her that the last time it happened, it didn't end well. Lana says she's different now. She's prepared herself. Clark asks why she didn't tell him what she was doing while she was gone. Lana doesn't think Clark would have let her go through with it. A ballad plays in the background. Clark tells her this is dangerous. Clark frets about something that hasn't been tested on humans. Lana tells him to give Lex a little credit. When it comes to science, she says, he's pulled off the impossible more than once. Lana says Clark doesn't have to protect her anymore or worry about her anymore. Clark says they have no idea what's going to happen. Lana insists that's why they have to live in the present. She says the past and the future don't matter. Clark thinks it does. He thinks it matters if she gets hurt. Clark steps up to meet Lana, but she's still higher up on a platform and taller at the moment. She says she knows how much Clark cares about her, but, you know, knock it off. She says Clark's always cared about her. When she came back for Chloe's wedding, she didn't think they could be together. She didn't want to be a distraction. Clark says she never was. Weren't you just saying she was holding you back? Lana says she's not anymore. She says nothing can hurt her anymore. They're equals now and together, they can make the world a better place. She looks at Clark, a bit hurt that he's not more excited. "Unless that's not what you want," she says. Clark steps up to her level. He says it's exactly what he wants. She smiles. Clark thinks it's a dream. And that they normally don't come true. She puts a hand on his face. "There's never been anything normal about us," she says. The music amps up as she kisses him. Tongue is up, folks. The camera pulls back. The sun is rising up over a nearby building. We pull way, way back as they kiss until we see The Daily Planet's globe spinning behind them. Man. Are you as disappointed and bored as I am?
week: Lex is back? Sort of? Hell if I know.
Omar G. is a journalist and writer living in New Braunfels, Texas. Check out the new Web show he does with his brother, Pablo, "Trailers Without Pity." You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com and hear him on NPR's "All Tech Considered," Mondays as part of All Things Considered.