By Omar G
From the snowy tundra, a woman emerges to take over for the dearly departed (but not confirmed dead) Lex Luthor. She's sexy, ruthless and doesn't have nearly the qualifications to take over the lead job. No, it's not Sarah Palin. Her name is Tess Mercer, and she will stop at nothing to find Lex... which may be a problem, because the Fortress of Solitude, where we last saw him, has completely disappeared. Also, as Tess and Lex's Number Two has set up camp in the snow, Oliver and his Super Friends attack and act totally gay for each other. But they do find Clark's jacket.
Meanwhile, Chloe is being held, supposedly by the Department of Domestic Security, at a compound in Montana. What's more, Chloe suddenly has super-intelligence, and is using her powers to help decrypt terrorist messages to find phone numbers in lieu of going to prison. Unfortunately, it turns out that she was never arrested at all and the DDS compound was just another LuthorCorp joint looking to exploit Chloe's new power. And the targets she revealed were actually buddies of Oliver's. Oops.
Meanwhile, if you're wondering what's happened to Lois, she's darkened her hair and softened her makeup, all the better to dress up in a tiny French maid outfit and sneak into the Luthor mansion looking for clues to Chloe's whereabouts. The French maid outfit makes it feel like Al and Miles never left. Lois somehow ends up in Montana and ends up being part of the Chloe rescue effort.
Which brings us to Clark, who wakes up as Peter Petrelli from the beginning of Season Two of Heroes. He's in a foreign country surrounded by awful accents and made to work against his will. Clark has lost his powers and gets his ass kicked on a daily basis, probably because he tries to escape frequently. Luckily for him, Oliver shows up and buys Clark (along with a ton of caviar), but not before they roll around on the floor pretending to beat each other up. Clark and Oliver try to rescue Chloe, only to run into Lois.
Lex's Number Two has developed a mind control potion with some fluids extracted from Chloe's mother's spine (foresight!) and they force Chloe to give them one last terrorist phone number. It belongs to Oliver, who is then also mind-controlled into helping Lex's people try to find the missing Luthor. Clark gets in the way, and Oliver shoots him twice with arrows, one of which pierces his heart. Clark has a lame flashback featuring lots of gauzy shots of Lana (and, in second place, his parents), but is saved by the Martian Manhunter. The Manhunter flies Clark out of there and into space. thing Clark knows, he's awake in the barn with his powers restored. Sadly, Martian Manhunter had to lose his own powers to save Clark's. Totally not fair. Clark uses the moment to decide that he's sick of farm living and should start a new life elsewhere. Metropolis, maybe?
Tess sets up camp in the Luthor mansion and recovers a suitcase containing a big, blue Kryptonian crystal, the one that formed the Fortress of Solitude. Chloe reunites with Jimmy and brings up the whole wedding ring thing. Jimmy tries to take back his offer, but Chloe says she wants to marry the big dork. Oliver and his crew meet up with Clark and they decide they should split up and try to find Lex before he exposes Clark's secret. And finally, Clark visits The Daily Planet and reveals to Lois that not only did he keep the job application she gave him last season, but he already scored a job as a reporter sitting right across from her. Rest assured I will count the ways this is bullshit in the full recap.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read Omar's interview with Smallville executive producer Brian Peterson to find out fun facts about the upcoming season! Wondering who all these costumed types are? Check out our comic geek's guide to the Superheroes of Smallville!
And we're back!
So much happened over the summer: the presidential election heated up to unbearable levels that make the skin burn and chafe; my kid started walking and watching the Noggin Channel 24/7, severely limiting my intake of life-giving DVDs of The Wire and life-taking reality television. And on this show, the two head honchos rode off into the Hollywood sunset, leaving four executive producers to take over in their stead. Four people in charge!? Why, that must mean the show will be twice as good, right? We shall see.
We open on the snowy side of a mountain as a helicopter flies nearby. The title says, "Arctic Tundra: Four Weeks Later." Arctic Tundra is a movie I would really like to see, preferably with Robert Downey Jr. reprising his role as Kirk Lazarus. It seems as if a small base has been set up out in the arctic: four identical barracks have been cut-and-pasted onto the landscape as the helicopter continues to fly by. Inside one of the barracks, somebody hasn't bothered to shovel the snow from the interior of the entrance. We see a pair of boots crushing the snow beneath. The camera pivots around the boots until we get a rear view of a woman's heinie. "Who's Regan?" the woman asks. The little girl from The Exorcist? She's Linda Blair! Regan, who is actually Lex's stony Number Two from last season, answers the call. We see the woman from the front and she's been eaten by Kenny's hooded coat from South Park. She's wearing sunglasses and her parka is so furry around her face it might be a giant Muppet's asshole. The woman asks Number Two what he's been doing all this time... building a snowman? That snowman is top secret! Whoops. I mean... that snowman is classified. Dammit! There is no snowman and I did not just reveal that it exists.
Squinting at the woman, Number Two asks who she thinks she is and tells her this site is off limits. Because out here in the middle of nowhere, people just wander in like it's a damn Vancouver TV show set. She removes her furry hood and sunglasses and shows off her red hair and freshly applied makeup. "Tess Mercer. My access is unrestricted." But is your booty unrestricted? Because, damn, Tess Mercer. You just made me forget all about Lex... uh... whatever his last name was. Lex Lupus? Lincoln? Lucifer? Number Two continues squinting. Perhaps he is snowblind. Tess reveals that upon written orders from Lex, she's now the acting CEO of LuthorCorp and all its subsidiaries. Yes, even the struggling CW Network, though no one would blame LuthorCorp if they dumped it. Number Two looks like he got punched in the gut and has to go Number Two. He calls her an obscure regional VP and asks if she thinks she's qualified. All right, we have an arctic setting, a hot MILFy lady and questions about her qualifications to be in charge of a large organization. Is there any doubt this is supposed to be a Sarah Palin gag? I just wonder how they snuck that in on such short notice. How fun would it be if the show suddenly became a giant political satire? "Lex believes it. That's all that matters," Tess says. That's why Lex has never mentioned her on the show in seven seasons. His faith was so unshakeable as to be completely silent.
Tess fixes her intense eyes on Number Two and tells him she wants all intel gathered so far, including footprints and snowmobile tracks that could point to an escape. Number Two is skeptical. Tess assures him that Lex didn't meet his end on "Some dwindling icecap." One of the nearby henchlackeys spots something on sonar, about six feet below. He says it could be human remains. We cut immediately to a green hood in another part of the same room. It's Oliver "Green Arrow" Queen, and we can see Tess and Number Two reflected in his dark sunglasses. Ollie's sunglasses, which also double as a heads-up display, show him a spot where he should shoot to cause maximum trouble. He pulls out an arrow and fires it with his bow at a large metal structure hanging from the ceiling for no particular reason. Tess and Number Two duck as sparks fly everywhere. Tess spots Oliver standing atop a platform. Suddenly, we see and hear a giant wave of sound knock people down. It's Black Canary from last season, doing her best Carrie Underwood impression. She also tosses a knife and hits a henchman in the chest. Oliver rolls on the floor and shoots a guard with his crossbow. Oliver walks up to a computer screen and sees a dialog box that reads, "Object Located 6.4 Meters." Number Two is suddenly behind Oliver, taking him by surprise, which seems a little unconvincing. "There's a reason why cowboys won the West," Number Two tells him. "Playing with bows and arrows can only get you so far." They are interrupted by something bursting out of the floor. It's Aquaman, all wet and ready, bro, and he's wearing a hideous orange and green wetsuit. He grabs Number Two and tosses him across the barracks. Aquaman grins, revoltingly. "Nice toss... for a fish out of water," Oliver tells him. Canary walks over and asks, "You two gonna keep stroking each other or are we gonna find Clark?" Can we go with the stroking for a little while? It's been months, lady. Don't begrudge these desperate men their strokes. Oliver says they found something in a trench. They all walk over to a hole surrounded by metal. It's a deep hole. Suddenly, we're outside as the three of them look over the vast landscape. Oliver is holding Clark's red jacket. "Clark, where are you?" he asks loudly enough that no one can hear. The camera pulls back really, really far. Four barracks buildings and only one of them had people in it? We pull back further and further to reveal lots of mountains and snow. There's nothing out here, just confusion and coldness. Will it be a metaphor for Season Eight?
Opening credits. The titles are basically the same crazy 3-D ones, but with new cast members and a few new scenes picked out. Clark appears unshaven in a scene we haven't seen before during Tom Welling's bit. billed is Allison Mack, looking quite lovely. Third is Erica Durance with that same crazy boob shot of her coming out of a lake wearing a red bikini. She's also wearing her red latex cage-fighting outfit. But we should take her much more seriously this season. Aaron Ashmore as Jimmy Olsen is billed . He is Jimmy James Bond, sadly. Cassidy Freeman is Tess Mercer. Wonder if she's related to Gordon from Half-Life. is Sam Witwer, who has a buzz-cut hairdo. Justin Hartley as Oliver is , and yes, he is shirtless. You're welcome. And that's your cast. "Save Me" still works as a theme song, I suppose.
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Stately Luthor Manor. But can you really call it that, now that all the Luthors are gone? (Long sigh.) We follow a pair of sensible black shoes down a hallway worn by a woman who is also carrying a black feather duster. It's a comely lady with dark brown hair wearing a Halloween French maid costume. Wait a minute... that's no lady! That's Lois Lane! She looks different. Softer. Prettier. Less apt to say something ridiculous. Hmmm. I am very suspicious. She walks into the former Lair of Lex wearing an unnecessarily short skirt and carrying a little plastic tray of cleaning materials. There are white sheets over all the furniture, even though it's only been four weeks since Lex disappeared. Lois gets on her knees and moves aside a white sheet to get a lock on a cabinet. She pulls out a small drill and tries to break through the lock. It works, somehow. Inside is a small box that says, handily, "Black Creek Detainees." Inside that box is what appear to be several metal USB flash drives, each engraved with a range of letters of the alphabet, corresponding presumably to names of people and their files. Quite an organized system you've got there, bad guys. Lois grabs the drive that says, "S-Z" and stuffs it down her bra. You'd need to give a search party about a week to find it in there.
Lois pretends to continue dusting. The camera pivots to show us an out-of-focus Tess Mercer standing behind her across the room. The camera focuses on her as she says, "You missed a spot." It's a big room. I bet she missed several. "Oui oui, Madame," says lame Frenchie Lois. Tess adds that the floors have lost their sheen. Also, the toilets are completely stopped up with feces, which is weird because nobody's been in the castle. Maybe it's ghost feces! Get on that, will you? Tess asks if Lois is getting lazy. Lois gives up the charade (or, as she might say in her silly French, the charade) and puts down the duster. There's not a speck of dust on it. Lois tries to cop attitude about Lex's "secretarial staff." "I'm as much a secretary as you are a French maid," Tess tells her. Tess is really giving Lois the once-over with her eyeballs. This is completely unexpected, but already we have a Gayest Look of the Episode. A French maid outfit will do that. Tess steps forward, trying not to slide on her own burning thigh sweats, and says she's pleased to meet the "intrepid reporter" Lois Lane. I think she only got that by combining the words "intractable" and "stupid." She reaches over to grab Lois's lacy collar. Whoah, this is hot! Al! Miles! Get in here! You're missing this! "So, you like to play dress up?" Tess asks. Boy, howdy! Yes! Say "Yes," Lois! Come on! Make this show worth watching again!
Lois looks Tess up and down, but not with the same naked lust. She asks whether Tess is Lex's "4 a.m. booty call." Lois knows a thing or two about that. Tess says she knows Lex gave Lois a lot of journalistic rope with which to hang herself (sadly, that never worked out), but that she's less patient. Lois says she's not there as a reporter. Oh, thank God. I was worried maybe our whole industry had just gone to shit. I was about to buy a chimney sweep costume to take to work on Monday. Lois says she's there because she's looking for her cousin, Chloe. Lois says Lex had Chloe arrested by the Department of Domestic Security, yet they have no record of Chloe. Lois wants access to Lex's phone records from that day. Ha. Good luck with that. Tess says that Lex is a firm (hey, she said Lex is "Firm!") believer in truth and justice, and that if he had Chloe arrested, she must be guilty. Lois says Chloe is only guilty of standing up for what she believes in. A blonde woman and dark-haired man show up to escort Lois out. Hey, nice French maid costume. Are you going to the "Lex Ain't Home" costume ball tonight? Got a date yet? "Hands off," Lois tells them. Tess advises Lois that time she might want to try microfiber. Ah. Okay. Parting shot, then? You have a lot to learn, Miss Mercer. Lois is led out of the room. I think Lois has met her match in unwarranted ridiculousness.
We see what looks like several warehouse buildings and a smokestack to a set of mountains. The atmosphere is hazy. A title reads, "Black Creek, Montana." Chloe is sitting in a chair dead-staring at flashing images on a screen. There's a sensor attached to her forehead. We pivot behind her to see that on the screen is a fast series of images from somebody's clipart collection. A man in another room is monitoring Chloe as he sits behind several computer monitors. He wears glasses, a white short-sleeved shirt and a tie. He tells Chloe to take her time with this one because it's difficult. Chloe rattles off a list of what the images were: "Barn, tiger, car, hammer, tree, building, cup, phone, toaster, house, doll, football, book, umbrella, bench, paper clip." The man asks about a logarithm and I can't even follow Chloe's answer. I think it was, "Peach." "My God," the man says. Chloe pulls off the sensors and says that she may be smarter than average, but that the government can't treat her like a guinea pig. The man, who is trying hard to look like a nerdy bureaucrat, says that she's special. Chloe says she's just a computer hacker who took a wrong turn. Lab Nerd says that Chloe's cognitive thinking just beat their fastest supercomputer. At what, speed-reading the script? He says it's amazing that such an increase in intelligence could happen practically overnight. Or between seasons. Funny how that happens. Chloe says that she passed out and when she woke up she was different. Lab Nerd wants to do another test. Chloe demands a court date and a lawyer. He reminds her that she hacked into a NASA database and pulled down classified information. Chloe forfeited her rights to anything, in his view. Except that even criminals who do far worse than hacking have those basic rights. Sorry, Lab Nerd. He says she committed an act of treason. "I'm not a spy!" Chloe tells him. She says she doesn't deserve to be held in some "low-rent Gitmo wannabe." Lab Nerd advises Chloe to help and get out in a year rather than get convicted and rot in a federal prison for 20. Chloe has to mull that one over.
Oliver and his crew have apparently set up at Lana's Isis Foundation. They haven't even taken down the logo, so I think it's safe if we now refer to it as the As-Is Foundation. On the screen is what looks like a yearbook photo of Clark. Black Canary, wearing her normal-person wear and long black wig, is sitting at a desk. She tells Oliver and Aquaman (or A.C., if you prefer) that no surveillance camera she's searched has found Clark through face recognition. How many surveillance cameras have that feature? Aquaman pulls a sheet of paper out of a printer and says that he's checked all the bays and harbors and they're "Clark-free zones." Did he think Clark grew some space gills? Or became a sailor? Keep wishing, bro. Oliver, frustrated, throws some papers on a desk and says that only leaves Chloe's hard drive for leads and that it contains fun facts, but no info on Clark's whereabouts. Canary gets out of her chair so she can listlessly hit her mark at the center of the room and say that maybe something happened to Clark. Ya think? Aquaman tries to fill the frame to her with his beefy arms. Oliver says that Clark's not like us (he's mopier) and that it'll take more than a little ice and snow to take him down. It takes an acting strike or a contract dispute. Canary says that Cyborg and Flash have been searching, too. Oliver says Clark wouldn't give up on them. So they're not giving up on Clark. At least not for the current season.
We suddenly are using a very gray camera filter to look at a chain-link fence with what looks like Russian signage. Dudes stand around with guns, on watch. "Verkhoyansk, Russia," the title card says. I like to do the Safety Verkhoyansk. Oh yes, the Safety Verkhoyansk. Someone roughly sets down a heavy crate on another crate. He's standing in the rain. Who'd be dumb enough to handle what might be weapons or other delicate materials with such disregard? The wet man turns around. It's Clark. Oh. That kind of dumb. Clark is looking pretty raggedy. He's got a scratch on his cheek and is unshaven. Clark sets down another crate like he just doesn't care and breathes heavily. He's wet, but not ready. An older Russian guy with his blonde hair slicked back starts yelling at Clark. "Let me make a phone call!" Clark demands, in English. Hey, asshole -- can you hear me now? Nyet! The Russian says Clark can make a phone call when he's paid back. Clark says he can get the money or whatever else the guy wants if he lets him make a call. Can you get him... to smile? Clark wants to let his people know that he's all right. In a heavy accent, the man suggests Clark send a message by carrier pigeon. Oh, awesome, you got one? Is there one in these crates? How about some paper and a pencil? Do you... oh. You were being sarcastic. Dammit! Clark can't process all this carsasm! Or whatever you call it.
Clark watches a man get out of a giant truck. The driver's-side door is open. The little malnourished hamster on a wheel in Clark's head begins to wheeze as it slowly jogs. Clark thinks about what he's going to do for what feels like 10 minutes. Then he springs into action. He gets in the truck. Messes with a gearshift. Starts driving. A man begins to shoot out the windshield. Clark drives, badly, turning the wheel this way and that. He swerves and hits a bunch of barrels. He also knocks down part of the fence. Thanks a lot, Westerner! We spent all week putting that fence up all neat and straight! The Russian grabs Clark out of the truck, punches him, knees him in the stomach and just starts whaling on him. He tells Clark that if he tries that again, he won't be so nice. He says it while holding a gun, and I think he maybe called our alien "Johnny Appleseed." Huh? He kicks Clark in the face. Clark lies on the rainy ground, a gash on his left temple. Way to go, Clark. That was the exact opposite of The Great Escape.
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The Daily Planet building stands dark against the big, bright moon in the background. Inside, Number Two is sitting at Lex's old desk. Tess shows up at the door, asking what his "Owls" up north have heard. Who? Number Two says they intercepted a signal from the jerkoffs who attacked them. Tess says they're not the only ones good at keeping secrets. She tries to question Regan about his flight up north right before Lex disappeared. He says he was fulfilling Lex's request for absolute discretion. Tess asks if he's looking for Lex or just covering his own tracks. Wow, this lady does not fuck around. I mean, figuratively, at least. Who knows about the other way? Number Two, annoyed, stands up and announces he's been doing research on Tess Mercer. Oh, great: exposition break. She taught herself to read in a Louisiana swamp house. Got into Harvard at 15 and goes deep-sea diving in her spare time. Congratulations, Regan, you know how to use the "Trivia" section of IMDB. He takes the time to rattle off these facts and then says he doesn't give a damn about them. Only he took the time to do the research and then rattle off that research. Oh, Regan. We're gonna have to take you back to Henchman College. Number Two says that nobody questions his loyalty. Tess, her eyes freakily unblinking, says that if she found out someone was holding back information that could help her find Lex, she'd have to act accordingly. She'd kill you with an accordion. "Are you threatening me?" Regan asks. Regan needs T.P. for his bunghole! He is The Great Cornholio! Tess suggests that Regan find Lex or he'll be "summarily terminated." That means he'll be fired summer, in summary. Number Two just stares at Tess, biting his lip, thinking, "Lady... you got more balls than I do. I like that!"
Montana. Still no smoke coming out of that smokestack. I'm starting to think it's a fake. Chloe is back in her Assist The Government chair. She asks what an "Out-of-work newspaper hack" could do to help fight terrorists. Didn't we just go over this? Also, "Hack?" Shouldn't you save that term for Lois? Or have we officially enacted retroactive continuity in which Chloe is the unskilled journalist and Lois is a genius? Because I missed that episode. Chloe asks if she's going to help by playing Sudoku. Lab Nerd says what's on her screen are a bunch of scrambled transmissions from terrorists who are communicating with each other. Lab Nerd says none of their computers could figure out the algorithm, so now they want Chloe to crack the code. Chloe stares at a bunch of Matrix-like code dropping down on the screen. She squints. "Let's do this," she says. Lab Nerd says they're looking for three phone numbers. Chloe starts reading off digits (but it still careful to include a "555" in there).
We cut to Tromsø, Norway, where a man is taking a shower in a dank building. He's naked, but a towel is strategically covering his business. "Target position acquired," a woman's voice says. The man turns and we see that it's Aquaman. Ah yes. Showering. I get it. Because of the wetness. A gun appears from a doorway. A dart is shot at his neck. Aquaman grunts and falls. But he doesn't flop around on the floor like a fish the way I want him to.
Chloe reads off more numbers. We cut to a rooftop in Qeqertarsuaq, Greenland. Black Canary jumps from a rooftop to a fire escape. But she gets hit with a dart in the neck, too, and falls to the snowy pavement below. Two town cars are there waiting for her.
Chloe is about to read the last three digits when she suddenly stops. "These aren't the phone numbers of bad guys," she realizes. "You're not the DDS." Lab Nerd ignores her and asks for the last three digits. Chloe rears back and mule-kicks Lab Nerd in the chest. She grabs his clipboard and smacks him across the head. Chloe escapes through the door, which is not locked. She runs down a hallway as a siren blares. She rounds a corner, but a henchman is there to grab her. Chloe struggles as another henchman joins in the fun. They pull her to the ground and subdue her. Just then, Number Two walks into the hall. "Find the third at all costs," he tells Lab Nerd, who has recovered enough to show up and look shamed.
Clark in Russia. Clark is lying on a bag of sand, looking wasted. The mean Russian leader throws water on Clark. "How are you feeling?" the Russian asks, and I think he calls Clark, "Shorty." Or "Jor-El." Or "Juicy." Close enough, I guess. Clark says he's never felt better. Liar! You know, I think that Russian may not really care how Clark feels. What an insincere man. The Russian tells a wet, beat-up Clark to get back to work. Clark picks up a two-by-four and starts swinging it wildly, trying to escape again. Clark tries to grab a guard's rifle and bend the shaft, but it doesn't work without his Kryptonian mojo. He is outnumbered. The mean Russian, who got hit in the head with the block of wood, points a gun at Clark. "You are really determined, aren't you?" Clark says he just wants to go home. The Russian offers to send Clark home if he'll tell them where to ship the body. Well, that's awfully nice of you to -- HEEEEY! I just got that! No deal! Suddenly, some non-Russian-sounding dude says, in the local language, "I hear you have the best black-market caviar in Russia." The camera moves to reveal Oliver. Clark turns and sees his friend. It's going to take him a week to figure out what's going on. The mean Russian smacks Clark one more time before asking for Oliver's bona-fides. Oliver shows off a packet of cash. Good enough. He says Ivan Alexandrov sent him and recommended this guy's product. Mean Russian says he has Osetra, Beluga and Sevruga. Also, some fish eggs. Oliver likes what he hears and then pretends that Clark is staring at him. "You got a problem with me?" Oliver asks. Oh, the fake-fight gambit. Seen it!
Oliver picks a fight with Clark, who takes forever to catch on. Clark finally says that yes, this strange American's presence is starting to bother him. Don't you hate it when the two prettiest boys in school just can't get along? Oliver laughs mockingly and punches Clark hard in the face. Clark tackles Oliver and they roll around on the ground. The Russians also sell black-market gay street-fighting videos. Clark punches Oliver and stage-whispers, "What do you think you're doing?" "Roll with it!" Oliver grunts. They roll some more and throw punches. Clark starts to get in some hits of his own, but then Oliver pulls out a very small knife and puts it to Clark's throat while pinning Clark's arm behind him. Clark thought the knife would be bigger. Oliver wants 100 cases of Beluga, 50 cases of Osetra and "this pathetic little punk here." Oliver says he wants to finish Clark off elsewhere. "Finish him off?" I guess you would need a little privacy for that. Mean Russian says he'll throw Clark in for free. Oliver and Clark walk off together. "What took you so long?" Clark asks, as they both smile. Wonk, wonk, wonk. That was a long way to go for a little bit of plot.
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Oliver's private jet. Clark is disappointed that the in-flight movie isn't My Best Friend's Girl. That movie looked like a total hoot. Clark, glum, asks, "How does an ice fortress disappear into thin air?" It's made of ice, Clark. Think about it. What hangs up in the sky and makes it summer? Oliver, used to hearing Clark's grumbling, gives him a nasty-looking green drink. Clark complains that his father is controlling him by taking away his powers. Also, he can't borrow the family space-station wagon for a whole month. Oliver says that's better than Lex having control of his own personal Clarkbot. I prefer Clark bars. Clark is bummed that Lex knows his secret. Oliver doesn't think Lex survived, no matter how tenacious he might be. "I did. Without my abilities." Yeah, how did that happen, exactly? Care to elaborate? Oliver asks if Clark saw anything. Clark says the wind and snow kept his visibility low. He started hiking, he says, and then woke up in a fishing boat. No curiosity about how that happened? None at all? Clark is mad at himself for taking his eye off of Lex until it was too late. He says he's lost his friends and that Chloe is in DDS custody because of him. Oliver reveals that he's had an army of lawyers chasing the case, and Chloe was never arrested by the Department of Domestic Security. Clark makes the logical leap that it was Lex who must have captured her. Oliver makes another leap of logic, saying that Chloe must be in a compound in Montana, the only one his crew hasn't hit yet. Oliver says that nobody who's ever gone in has come out. Then... how do you know all about it? Oliver is all for hitting the compound, but says they've lost Dinah/Black Canary and Aquaman looking for Clark. "And you're kind of useless," he tells Clark. Ha! It took eight seasons for someone to tell it to him. Clark says that even without his powers, he's not letting a friend rot in a LuthorCorp prison. Oliver agrees. On an intercom, he tells the pilot to change course and head for Montana. Clark and Oliver give each other loving smiles of approval.
Montana. Inside the compound, Aquaman and Black Canary are hanging by chains, looking out toward a dusky window. I guess they don't have different times of day in Montana; it always looks like it's 6 p.m., no matter what time it is. They didn't bother to give Aquaman a towel or a shirt. They did let Canary keep on her heavy leather top. Number Two is there. He wishes Lex could be there to see the "elusive terrorists" captured. Canary says that Lex was never able to find them (except for that he sort of did: he once held A.C. captive). She asks how Lex's "Bozo zookeeper" did better. Unwisely, Regan reveals that he has a new secret weapon. He's also figured out that Oliver's crew wasn't up North searching for Lex. "The Traveler!" Regan says. "Who's that?" A.C. answers flatly, "some frequent flier?" Groan. Regan says he's an alien and he knows what happened to Lex. Aquaman says they were only up there to find Lex. "You're lying through your gills, Mr. Curry," Regan tells him. He threatens to get the truth out of Green Arrow instead.
A steel door elsewhere in the compound is taken down by some explosives. Oliver, in costume, and Clark, totally not in any kind of costume except a white T-shirt and blue flannel, stand in the doorway. Oliver is holding his crossbow like a pistol. He says they've got 15 minutes max. Clark wants to split up. Oliver asks what Clark will do if he's caught. Bite someone? Oh, I would so love to see that. He'd leave a Clark-Mark. Clark doesn't budge, so Oliver warns Clark that he might not be there to save him if he gets in trouble.
Clark, on his own, ambles down a hallway. He peeks into a random window and sees someone lying on a prison cot. He keeps walking. Further down the hall, Clark finds an unlocked door. He opens it and hears a familiar grating voice. It's Lois Lane, leading two men behind her. She's wearing all black. She sees Clark and scoffs. She asks what he's doing there. "I..." he begins. One of the men with Lois asks if they know each other. They both give different answers. Lois pretends that Clark is a prisoner. She also pretends that she was just demoted. Ah, because she's posing as a worker at the compound. Clever! Even though that seemed to work, she kicks one of the guys anyway, blowing her cover. Clark punches the other guy. Lois grabs one of their guns and starts walking. She asks what Clark is doing there. "I heard they had a good espresso," he jokes. Lois is only slightly impressed with Clark's humor. Clark says he's looking for Chloe. He asks how Lois got here. "Feminine charm. Yes, I do have some." Lois asks Clark to give his stand-up a rest and help her find Chloe. She cocks her pistol. It's teamwork for dummies.
Commercials. Yes Man. That's right, get back on that comedy horse, Jim Carrey.
Chloe is strapped in to her secret-decoder chair. Lab Nerd asks how she slept. Chloe didn't sleep well knowing she's probably hunting down innocent people for LuthorCorp. Number Two walks in. He says he's examined Chloe's file. They knew about her healing power, but her "Turbo I.Q." is a surprise. Especially on this show. "I'm not gonna help you," Chloe whispers, "so I guess you're gonna have to kill me." Whoah, whoah, hold on there! We just signed you on for Season Nine! Patience! Number Two brings up Chloe's mother and her ability to control people's minds. He says Lex had the foresight to draw as much spinal fluid as possible from Moira's body. Number Two pulls out a glowing green vial. He says that with research, they've been able to make a potion to control minds as well. It's called Jamba Juice, and I will do its bidding. Regan says the effect is temporary, but it gets the job done. He injects Chloe in the neck with the Notion Potion. Chloe's eyes flash green. Regan asks for the last three phone number digits. "173," Chloe says flatly. The target position is acquired: it's in their building. Chloe snaps out of her state quickly and sees what she just did. D'oh!
Elsewhere in the building, Aquaman and Canary are still just hanging around. A hooded Oliver comes in and is about to rescue them, but he's soon surrounded by guards wielding guns with flashlights on them. Regan injects Oliver in the arm with the green liquid without much of a fight at all. "Do whatever it takes to find out what happened to Lex Luthor," he commands. Oliver turns his head menacingly toward the camera. We see his eyes flash green, even through his dark sunglasses.
Clark and Lois are still skulking around. Clark complains that Lois keeps pointing her gun at him. She's really not, but he has to have some material for his not-so-witty banter. Lois says that she'd only take out a kneecap. Lois says in a long stream of annoying that she grew up around military types, not Jersey cows, so Clark will be fine. They come upon Chloe's door, which conveniently has a window to peek through. Lois tells Clark to get out of the way. She shoots at the lock. They never even bothered to try the door, which was unlocked anyway. Lois bursts into the room. Chloe tries to warn her to look behind, but it's too late. Lab Nerd has struck Lois in the neck with a stun gun. Clark hasn't been stunned, though: he takes one long swing and punches Lab Nerd out. Go, Team Clark! Chloe asks where Clark has been. "I've been waiting for you!" she pouts. Geez, Chloe. Don't you think he may have been a little busy getting his ass handed to him by the Russian Caviar Mafia? Clark frees Chloe from her unlocked binds. They hug quite sensually as Clark says he's so glad she's fine. Long, long hug. "What happened to you?" she asks. She puts a hand to the side of his face. Clark says he's human. Goody, sex aplenty! Clark says Oliver is with him. Chloe tells Clark that security is closing in on him. Clark tells her to watch Lois. He plans to go after them. Chloe reminds him that he has no powers. "I'll be fine!" Clark says on his way out the door. Famous last words, dude. By the way, aren't there any security cameras in this place? Wouldn't that whole conversation have been recorded?
Clark heads down a set of stairs, only to find Oliver standing down at the bottom. Clark is happy to see him until Oliver asks, in his deep Green Arrow voice, "Where's Lex?" Hollywood, growing out his hair? Clark realizes something's wrong. Oliver doesn't like Clark's non-answer. He pulls out an arrow and fires it into Clark's shoulder. Clark gasps. He pulls out the arrow. Oliver warns that the one will go through Clark's heart. Clark says he doesn't know where to find Lex. Oliver wants answers, dammit! He prepares to fire again. "I don't know!" Clark yells. He holds up a hand. Oliver fires. Slow-motion. I expect the arrow to go through Clark's hand, but instead it just sails into his chest and through him, exiting a nearby window. That one really hurt. Clark breathes heavily and falls on his side. Oliver's eyes flash again, signifying that the spell has worn off. He takes off his hood and glasses. Oh shits! He rushes to help Clark all of a sudden, which just looks completely dumb. Oliver says he's sorry. Chloe, ignoring Clark's wishes, shows up at the top of the stairs. She sees Oliver bent over Clark, apologizing. Chloe rushes down to heal him. She tells Oliver to move back. Clark tries to get her to stop. Chloe puts her hand on Clark's wound, but nothing happens. Clark keeps sputtering. "It's not working!" she says. Perhaps you forgot to charge your battery. Is there an A/C outlet around here? Clark starts to go toward the light. Literally.
We see a flash of bright light. Suddenly, Clark and Lana are lying in bed together, bathed in angelic light. Then we get a shot of Lana standing upright. I'm a weird way, I'm going to miss that preternaturally pretty show anchor. we see Bo Duke and MamaKent waving goodbye to Clark. Then we see MamaKent at Bo Duke's funeral. No shots of Chloe or Pete or anyone else? Dr. Swann, maybe? Instead, the last thing Clark sees is Martian Manhunter. I guess he could do a lot worse. Wait a minute, Manhunter is actually here in the room. He's standing over Clark, looking serene. "I'm here, Kal-El," he says. Clark gasps and goes under. Chloe starts to cry. Manhunter picks up Clark. He holds him up by the arms and the two of them, powered by Manhunter, fly through the window arch and into the sky in a red streak. Chloe and Oliver watch. We see Manhunter and Clark, who is not awake, sail away from Earth and into space. Everything flashes to white again.
I don't know how Apple keeps making awesome iPod commercials, they just do.
Kent Farm. The cows are worried this might be their last episode ever. Thank Bovine God for those residuals. Inside the Barnness of Rescuetude, Clark is laid out on the couch. It looks like a copy of Entertainment Weekly is sitting on the coffee table. Clark wakes up. Martian Manhunter, wearing a smart yellow shirt, is standing by the barn window holding Clark's football. Go long, Kryptonian! Clark suddenly grabs his chest as he sits up. "How does it feel to be whole again?" Manhunter asks. He tosses Clark the football. Clark wonders if the guy meant "whole" or "hole." They are very different answers. Clark squeezes the football and it pops with a dusty puff. I guess he's got the strength back. Clark stands up. "I was dying. And you saved me," he says, figuring it all out. Manhunter says that the healing effect of the sun brought back Clark from death. So they had to fly all the way to the sun? Regular Earth-distance sun didn't help? Manhunter says he only promised to be a guardian over Clark, but he couldn't stand by and watch the galoot die. "You shouldn't have had to," says an ungrateful Clark. Manhunter explains something we already knew: That Jor-El sent Clark on an impossible mission to be a God among men. Clark mopes that he sometimes feels he has to be two different people. Clark says he can't keep expecting Manhunter to bail him out. Martian Manhunter says it's the last time: the sun has the opposite effect on him. He's lost his powers. But not his good looks, thank goodness. I call "no fair." Manhunter rules. He even says that Clark's destiny is greater than his, which is complete bullshit. How does he know that? Manhunter says that with the Fortress destroyed, Clark will have to do it without his father's guidance. Like Clark ever listened to the guy anyway. Clark says that when he was dying, he saw Bo Duke right in front of him, as well as his mother and Lana. Clark says he's written eulogies and let people walk away, but he's never really said goodbye. He says he's been holding onto a life on the farm that hasn't existed for years. So it's the farm's fault you're such a lame-o? Yeesh. Manhunter asks what Clark plans to do. "Let it go," Clark says. Clark says that's the only way he'll find a new life. Manhunter hands Clark his red jacket. Way-too-serious music plays as Clark puts on his Members Only jacket. It is a new high-water mark of lameness for Clark.
Stately Ex-Luthor Manor. Tess, wearing a comely long black Asian-style dress, walks into the Lair of Lex. She's reading a newspaper article. It's got a photo of Number Two: "LuthorCorp Exec Missing," the headline reads. Awww, I'm gonna miss that guy. Tess looks around the room. She pulls the white sheet off the stained-glass window behind Lex's desk. She looks at the Veritas/Luthor crest. She pulls the sheets off of Lex's desk and chair. She sits down. There's a huge layer of dust on the desk. It's only been four weeks, people! Not years! Tess's blonde assistant walks in and says the look suits her. Tess, surprised, stands up and says that the desk belongs to Lex. She says that finding him is the only thing that matters right now. The woman hands over a briefcase that was recovered from the arctic. She adds that the Montana installation has been dismantled and all the "guests" there have been "re-assimilated." They also found a footprint from the tundra. But it doesn't belong to Lex. After the woman leaves, Tess opens the briefcase. Inside is a glowing blue crest, the one Clark used to form the Fortress. They should put this one right in the middle of Central Park!
The Talon, nighttime. Chloe is in her apartment, messing around on her green laptop. She's speed-reading a ton of newspaper pages at superhuman speed. "What's happening to me?" she wonders. Chloe hears a door open downstairs. She closes her laptop and goes out to the coffee area. Jimmy has walked in. Chloe, happy, goes to him. They hug. Jimmy, thrilled to see her, apologizes for letting Lex come between them. Chloe forgives him and asks about some leftover business they had involving a ring. Jimmy responds in completely the wrong way: he shakes his head and says that he just wants to be with Chloe. Chloe says that's a big diamond elephant in the room. Jimmy walks away and says he jumped the gun in proposing. He says he's had time to think about it and doesn't think they're in the same place. He asks her to pretend it didn't happen. Chloe asks if he's rescinding the offer. Jimmy says no, but that he doesn't want an answer because he doesn't want things to change. Chloe, despite her big new brain, is perplexed. "Yes," she says. Jimmy thinks that means she doesn't want things to change. Chloe has to explain by saying it again: "Yes." She says that all that time in her cell made her think that she hasn't appreciated what she has now because she's been stuck in the past. Oh, awesome. Brilliant. Chloe, smiling, says that's Jimmy. "You're perfect," she says. At least Jimmy's honest: he says he's far from perfect. Chloe says he's perfect for her. Then she kisses him. This feels so wrong.
Metropolis. Oliver, Dinah and A.C. are meeting Clark out in an alley. Clark jokes that they had to pull their own weight while he was gone. Then he puts away the stand-up act again to say that he owes them his life. Except for Oliver, who shot him twice. You dick. Dinah parrots Oliver's line that Clark would have done the same for them. Aquaman asks about Martian Manhunter. Clark says it's a long story, but he's sure that guy will be back someday. We can only hope. Dinah reminds everyone that Lex is still out there. Oliver says they haven't been able to trace any human remains up north. Clark says they need to find him. Aw, great, a season-long Lex manhunt. Just what we needed. Oliver says that the new CEO of LuthorCorp is more deceitful than Lex ever was. Somehow I kind of doubt that. Dinah says that now that they've been exposed, they're seriously hampered. Like laundry. Clark thinks they need to split up. Oliver jokes that soon Clark will be sporting a homemade costume and using a secret identity like the rest of them. Dinah suggests Clark try something a little more form-fitting. Oliver suggests they split up, lay low and find out what they can about Lex. All four of them walk in separate directions, which is a bit much. Triumphant music plays as Clark walks down what looks like an uninhabited city set.
Daily Planet. Lois, looking very Kate Bosworth, is sitting at her desk, writing something down. She sighs heavily. She notices that Clark is sitting across from her, in Chloe's old desk. The squeaking of Clark swiveling his chair back and forth is bugging her. Clark tells Lois he thought she did well in Montana. Lois returns the compliment. Clark says he'd better be going, but he'll see her bright and early Monday morning. Clark says that he saved the application Lois gave him, and that he's the newest recruit to the paper. Lois asks what changed his mind. He says he wanted to be in the middle of the action. Well, Lois gets plenty of action around the newsroom, so that's apt. She asks if he'll be starting down at the mailroom. Clark says he's going to be a little closer to home and that they'll be neighbors. He walks out of the room, smiling. Lois picks up the nameplate to hers. It says, "CLARK KENT." "You gotta be kidding me," she says to herself. Then she looks to where Clark left the room and smiles. We cut to black.
...Oh, give me a damn break. Clark hasn't had a story published since high school and even then, he wasn't any good. He has no internships, no experience, no recent clips, and the people running the newspaper hate his fucking guts. How did Clark get a damn job at the paper? He didn't even have Lois as a reference. (Maybe Jimmy vouched for him, but Chloe, who was fired, couldn't have.) It's just ridiculous. Who gave Clark a job? Why didn't we see that? It's just a plot convenience, a way to get Clark working there without doing the heavy lifting of writing a scene to make any of it make sense (just like Chloe's sudden super-intelligence). That's not a reboot of the show? That's not just saying, "We want things to be like this now, but are too lazy to draw the arrows from Point A to Point B?" If there's one thing that has always been frustrating about this show, it's that whole seasons are spent on things that end up not mattering at all (octagons, fake pregnancies, The Teagues), but in the end, the things that really make Superman what he is are just tossed together like a cheap-ass salad. Grrr, frustrating! How can you fans stand it? All right. Rant over. I'll see you all week, if this show doesn't give me a stroke first.
time: A girl with funky blue hair causes trouble. Girls with funky blue hair usually do.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read Omar's interview with Smallville executive producer Brian Peterson to find out fun facts about the upcoming season! Wondering who all these costumed types are? Check out our comic geek's guide to the Superheroes of Smallville!
Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.