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Edward Teague's infatuation with monk's robes doesn't last long. thing we know, he's wearing regular clothes and flying Private Rich Person Airways alone to South America. Kara shows up, however, to rip the plane apart. He tells her that she can get information about Veritas from Lex. That's all she needs from him and it's goodbye Teague and his jet. Of course we know that Kara is under the control of Brainiac. Or, more accurately, she's Brainiac in disguise. Meanwhile, Lex keeps sending teams to the Arctic Circle that the 20-Sided Purple Die of Mapquest Magic pointed him toward and they keep disappearing. Kara/Brainiac goes after Lex, but finds that she can't touch the 20-Sided Die. Apparently, only a human like Lex can use it. So she tells Lex the identity of The Traveler (as well as revealing her own Kryptonian identity), hoping to spur him on to the Fortress of Solititude. Kara then goes after Chloe, who thinks a little chunk of Kryptonite is going to protect her. Not when it's Brainiac in there. Brainiac mind-melds with Chloe, sending her into a coma like Lana's. But he gets a little damage, too: Chloe's meteor-freak healing powers weaken him.
Brainiac goes to a power plant to recharge, but Clark is there waiting for him. Brainiac reveals that he sent Kara to the Phantom Zone. Clark kills Brainiac with electricity, which you'd figure would just charge him up. Clark's rationale is that Brainiac is a machine, not a man. Chloe is instantly out of Brainiac's grip, as is Lana. Clark and Lana forever, right? Not so fast: Lana leaves Clark a depressing video telling him that the world needs Clark more than she does, even though she desperately loves him. She asks that he not go looking for her. She cries. Clark cries. Lois, who happens to come in and see part of the video, cries too. She hugs Clark as they both cry and it's just a goddamned abomination of stupid.
Meanwhile, Lex is dealing with whiny Jimmy Olsen. Lex uses Jimmy to get Lois off his back by making her think he's up in the Arctic looking for oil reserves. Jimmy feels slimy lying to Lois, so he tells Lex he doesn't want to help anymore. This leads to government thugs coming after Chloe for all of her hacking just as Jimmy was trying to propose marriage to her with a toy ring. (Seriously. A toy ring.) Lex goes to the Fortress for a final confrontation with Clark. After speechifying about Clark not trusting him and how he's doing humanity a favor by killing off a threat, Lex puts the 20-Sided Die of Doom into an Ice Dildo Holder. It attacks Clark with a beam of energy, weakening him, and brings the Fortress crumbling down. The season ends with sheets of ice tumbling all around them.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!And here we've made it to the end of another season. It's been up, down, all around in quality. Am I the only one who thinks that the show suffered a major identity crisis this season? Maybe it was I who suffered the identity crisis, and the show just stayed its boring old self. Perhaps seven years is too long to observe a big, dumb alien continue to confound himself and disappoint the rest of us. An eighth season? Well, that's really pushing it, isn't it?
Anyhoo, after a mess of "Previously on..." clips, we hear Michael Rosenbaum tell us, "And now for the season finale of Smallville... and my LIBERATION! WOOOO!" The sun is just over the horizon, casting an orange glow as we see a small jet silhouetted in the sky. We cut to the inside of the plane, where in one of the windows, blue and orange light is flashing. We pull back to reveal that this isn't Lex's plane. We instead see Edward Teague, wearing normal clothing and taking a stiff drink in his seat. I bet it would be really comfortable to fly in monk's robes. It would almost make flying worthwhile. We can gather that Edward Teague is not a man who believes in comfort for comfort's sake. He is alone on the plane. From out of his tan coat pocket, he pulls a passport. A photo of him, still bald and none too happy, sits below the name "ALEJANDRO SANTO." Oh, señor! I had no idea you were gente! ¡Hórale! We see a set of legs walking toward Teague. They are attached to a bright red dress and some blonde hair. It's Kara! Holy crap! The job market must really suck on Krypton if she has to come back here and work for the airline industry. She's got on a flight-attendant-aping ascot. "Another secret identity, Mr. Teague?" she asks. "Excuse me?" he shoots back. The Intrusive Music of Some Bad Shit's About To Go Down starts to play. Kara leans in close and asks why people always go to South America when they're in big trouble. The plantains, maybe? The southernness? The fact that no matter how far south you go, it's still America? Teague pulls the Bad Customer Service card. He says that when he chartered this jet, he was promised that it would be discreet. Also, why hasn't the in-flight movie Made of Honor begun yet? He says he's not interested in having this conversation. Now bring me peanuts, lady. No, pretzels! I definitely want expensive private pretzels! Kara says she's not big on small-talk either. Woman, are you hitting on me? I don't think we're a mile high up yet, so it's not like we can technically join the club. Kara says she'd rather hear about Veritas. Oh, geez, not again. What more do we need to know? It was secret and now it's not secret and everybody's dead. The end. "Who are you?" he asks. Kara, leaning in way too close, says that she's someone who knows The Traveler and who knows that Teague tried to destroy him.
Teague, not making eye contact, feigns ignorance. She tells him, still with a playful tone, that for the last member of a secret society, he's not a very good liar. He looks up at her in shock. Kara tosses his glass aside, making it shatter on the floor. That'll be $6, or four private airline drink tickets. She grabs Teague and lifts him up by the neck. She wants to know where to find the device that controls The Traveler. Teague says he doesn't know. Kara punches a hole in the side of the plane with her fist. Do you know now? We see the hole from outside. It is troublesome. Inside the plane, papers are flying all around. She reminds Teague that they're 20,000 feet up. She demands to know where she can find the device. A pilot approaches Kara. She knocks him aside with her elbow and he flies across the cabin. She asks Teague one more time. With his face disturbingly close to the hole in the plane, he tells her that Lex Luthor might know. She smiles. "Enjoy the rest of your flight," she tells him. We see Kara stare at the back of the cabin. Our view changes to outside and behind the plane, we see it trailing smoke. It's not very well animated. Kara barrels through the back of the jet and it shakes and buckles. She flies, passing us on the right side. The plane breaks apart into pieces, sending a chunk of metal right at us. There will be no Made of Honor showing. Sorry. We go right to the opening credits.
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The Daily Planet, flyover. It's daytime. We are inside Lex Luthor's office. He's got his hand on a globe that has all the ocean water painted black. Foreboding, much? Lex, staring at the Arctic Circle longingly, asks his Johnny-Right-Hand if the team has reached its target. Johnny is just walking in and is still rubbing water off his hands from the bathroom. Johnny has no patience for the crummy air blowers. He says they lost contact with the team an hour ago. It seems there's very little Wi-Fi at the North Pole unless you get all the way to Santa's workshop. Johnny tries to make up bullshit excuses for the team like interference or bad weather. Lex says that according to the satellite imagery, it's clear skies over there. FAIL! Don't lie to your boss, dude. Johnny says that they were 10 miles away from the target when they lost the signal. Did you bring the signal? No, I thought you had it. Did you check your bags? Of course I checked my bag! I have three cell phones, but no signal. Oh, man, Lex is gonna be so pissed we lost his beautiful signal. Johnny tells Lex that there's no visual. Also, I sort of lost the Peterman account. Sorry, boss. My dog ate it. Lex jokes in a totally not funny way that he thought the Bermuda Triangle was somewhere more tropical. And on a whole other show. "People don't just vanish off the face of the planet!" he announces, boldly. "Find them," he says. Johnny waits a beat, as if thinking, "You gotta be shitting me, boss. It's COLD up there!" before exiting. These hands could use another washing and proper drying.
As Johnny is leaving, Lex's administrative assistant is literally pushing Jimmy Olsen into the room. Jimmy also bumps into Johnny, which could have resulted in a colliding black hole of incompetence. It could have also transformed into a collapsing vortex of laid-back douchebaggery. Jimmy's goes in to see the world's richest man while wearing a baby blue bowling shirt. Lex rolls his eyes and, indeed, his whole bald head. Jimmy has been called into the office and he thinks it's about his whole Kawatche cave symbols story. He has an idea: a two-page glossy spread. Just two pages? Boy, look at Jimmy with the ambition over here. He says it'll make National Geographic look like a 10-cent travel brochure. Since when in Jimmy's lifetime (or Lex's) have travel brochures cost 10 cents? God, Jimmy's the oldest fucking young guy in the world. Lex goes to a filing cabinet and pulls out a folder. He reminds Jimmy that it was his phone call that kept Chloe out of federal prison. Now, Lex says, he needs some help from Jimmy. Lex says he needs Lois Lane off his back. Why not just fire her? Lex says she's been asking too many people too many questions. But you're her boss. You could get rid of her, you know. Jimmy asks what he can do about Lois. Why not put her out of her employment, Lex? He says it's impossible to stop her with the full-court power of the press. No. Lois is an incompetent doofus loudmouth. Just because Clark's dad dreamed she was a great journalist doesn't make it so. Lex says he's well aware of Jimmy's limitations. Hee. Lex tells Jimmy to help her find some information. He hands Jimmy that information. Jimmy flips through some photos and maps. "Is any of this true?" he asks. Lex pours himself a big glass of Scotch at 11 a.m. He says what matters is that Jimmy makes her believe it's true. Jimmy is aghast that he might have to lie. Lex tells him to do whatever it takes. Jimmy scoffs again, but Lex puts the screws to him. He says it would be tragic if the Department of Domestic Security decided Chloe was a threat again. Yes, as Mr. Omar would say on Everybody Hates Chris, that would be tragic! Jimmy gulps and realizes he's screwed. Lex looks at Jimmy triumphantly. You are my employee and I would rather torture you than fire you.
Poll: How should Jimmy get out of from under Lex's thumb?
a. Grow about a foot, get some muscles and call yourself a farmboy.
b. Run far, far away from The CW.
c. Offer to position himself under a less oppressive digit.
d. Tell Clark everything.
e. Wait for Lex to leave the show.
Kent Farm, daytime. Clark is coming down the stairs as someone keeps ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door. Clark answers just as Lois is opening the front door herself. She tells Clark to get the lead out because opportunity is knocking on his door. No thanks, we already have enough metaphors in this house, we don't need two or more mixed ones at a time from you. "Come on in, Lois," Clark says sarcastically. Lois tells Clark that there's good news: an intern was just promoted to Chloe's old desk. He asks if he's supposed to be happy that someone took his best friend's job. Lois says it opens up a position in the bullpen. That position: missionary. She thinks "Clark Kent" is a name that's written all over it. Clark Kent, reporter? Meh. Maybe on another show. Lois hands him an application. Clark chuckles as he shakes his head. "That's never going to happen," he tells her. Clark goes to grab his trusty red jacket so he can go clean out shit from rancid stalls and nail stuff into wood on the farm. MUCH better career choice. Lois asks if Clark isn't destined for greater things in life than working on a farm. Clark says that even if he wanted the job, he'd never work for Lex Luthor. Oh yeah. Good point. Lois asks why they were ever such good friends. They really weren't. Lois says she did some digging and found out just how far they go back. And forth. And in. And out. Oh, the old ecstasy. Clark squints. Memory hurts. Lois says they're nothing alike. "Why were you so close for so long?" she asks. Would it be crass to say, "Anal lube?" That would probably be crass. Clark says that sometimes people don't turn out to be whom you thought they were. Clark asks Lois to be careful if she's going to be working for Lex. She jokes that it sounds like Clark is worried about her. Clark squints again and then rolls his eyes. They're interrupted by Chloe, who walks in through the kitchen door. She's surprised to see Lois and asks to talk to Clark for a minute. Lois asks Clark to think about his future as she leaves. After Lois is gone, Chloe tells Clark that a plane just crashed in upstate New York. Three bodies were recovered. One of them was Edward Teague. The other two were just for show. Clark breathes heavily.
Chloe and Clark are suddenly at Isis. Chloe is showing Clark what she found on the National Transportation Safety Board mainframe, which she used all her skills to hack into. Chloe found that the flight plan scheduled Teague's plane to end up in Buenos Aires. She tells Clark that something shot out of the back of the cabin like a missile after the plane was only in the air for about an hour. Chloe says they found the black box and she was able to download the audio. They listen. A pilot shouts. Banging. Chloe couldn't get anything more than noise out of the audio beyond that. Clark asks her to play it again. He uses his super hearing. The room gets bright as Clark concentrates. He hears some of Kara's dialogue. Chloe asks what she was doing with Edward Teague. Clark doesn't know, but he heard her threaten to take the plane down. I guess that wasn't so much a threat as a declaration of a true fact. Chloe knows Kara can be reckless when she's angry. She thinks maybe Kara was looking out for Clark. Clark thinks it must be something else. "She's not a killer," he says. Chloe says she's a fan of Kara, too, but that it sounds like she caused the crash. Chloe reminds Clark that he once said every Kryptonian he's met has turned out to be a cold-blooded killer. Clark turns on Chloe, annoyed. He says he knows Kara. "She's my cousin!" he announces. My brother from another mother! The chocolate to my peanut butter cup! The wind beneath my...oh yeah, I can't fly. Never mind. He says again that she's not a killer. Chloe wants to believe that. Clark asks if there's any more audio. Clark hears something in the piece that Chloe plays. He says Kara's going after Lex.
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Stately Luthor Manor. Kara, wearing her tight blue sweater of badassitude, emerges from the Lair of Lex and walks into the hallway. She X-rays the hallway, but we don't actually see that special effect because the budget's tight and we needed money for a cake at the season wrap party. Kara walks to a large painting of clouds (clouds, Lex? Really?). This time we really do see the X-ray vision. The 20-Sided Purple Die of Doom is inside a safe behind the painting. Kara swings the painting open (it's got a hinge, which is optional on all masterpieces) and easily opens the safe. Lex had a custom little trampoline stand made for the purple orb. Aw, Lex. How sweet. Kara tries to take it, but as her hand hovers over the thing, it begins to glow. She withdraws her paw, unable to deal with the awesome power of someone rolling a natural 20. It stops glowing when she pulls her hand away. She closes the safe angrily. Stupid 20-sided die! I hate you, Dungeons & Dragons! Dorks! Kara is about to storm off angrily, but Clark is standing at the opposite end of the hallway, wearing his dumb red jacket. "Do you need a Dungeon Master?" He asks what she's doing here. Admiring crappy, hinged, safe-concealing artwork. You? She walks toward Clark and says she's trying to protect him. "By threatening to kill Edward Teague?" he asks. Oh, she did a lot more than threaten. Oh yes. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! EEEEVIL! Clark says he heard the recording and that those men are dead. He asks her to tell him that she's not responsible for their deaths. I would love to tell you that, but it would be a waste of both our times and we know there are no episodes left. Kara, wavering, says it was Teague's fault. "If he hadn't gone after The Traveler, he'd still be alive." Are you sure it's wise to have this conversation in Lex Luthor's house where he has security cameras everywhere? Clark grabs Kara by the elbow. "We need to talk," he says.
We see the shapes of Clark and Kara whoosh toward the farm, along the countryside. In the barn, Kara tells Clark to let go of her. Clark says he was worried about Kara, but maybe he should have been worried about everyone else instead. He asks if she's come into contact with some red Kryptonite, like a ring or a necklace. "I stopped wearing jewelry," she says. But no explanation as to why. She tries to walk past Clark, but he stops her. He asks if anything weird happened on Krypton while she was there. Besides the planet blowing up? "I'm fine, Kal-El," she says. She walks again and Clark grabs her by the arm once more. Clark says three people are dead because of her. Kara says that if someone figures out a way to control Clark, a lot more will get iced. She says Clark would be the most powerful weapon on the planet. Clark says nobody's going to control him anytime soon. I mean, we have like 35 minutes left, at least! Chill! Clark thinks Lex didn't find what he was looking for. Kara asks if he really thinks that's going to stop him. "Get your head out of the clouds," she advises. Clark still thinks something's wrong with her. He wants her to stay until they figure it out. Kara says that Clark can turn a blind eye, but she's going to do whatever it takes to save the Earth. She tries to fly off, but Clark grabs her by the ankle. She hovers in the air awkwardly, one fist pointed to the sky. She spins and kicks Clark in the face, sending him flying across the barn. He smashes part of the stairs on his way and lands in some hay. Hay! Kara, of course, has flown away. And Clark can't fly. Sorry, Clark.
Metropolis. Jimmy is at the Ace of Clubs, which looks as awful and annoying as usual. Lois is there, looking through some notes. I just don't see this as Lois's kind of place. It seems way too hip for her and I can see her just being insufferable about everyone who patronizes the bar. Jimmy tells Lois that the newspaper may not be as hip, but that her desk is still in the bullpen. Lois, drinking a soda from a glass bottle, makes the excuse that she doesn't want to be across the street working on Lex's secret in the building where he signs her checks. She says that this place, by the way, has an epic happy hour. She must have found that out when she took Clark out for a beer. Jimmy says he's found out something about Lex's mystery arctic expeditions. Lois looks around to make sure nobody's listening, but only looks in one direction. She pulls Jimmy aside, leaving her notes all over the table for anyone to peruse, and tells him that either Lex's is planning a hostile takeover of Santa's workshop (No! Please, God, no!) or that he's doing something illegal. "What's the scoop?" Jimmy says Lex is up there looking for new places to drill oil. "What?" she barks. She asks where Jimmy found that out. Jimmy lies, badly, that he heard a reporter talking about it on the third floor. "Who?" Lois asks. Jimmy says he overheard it and can't remember who said it. Lois examines Jimmy's face. Jimmy hands over the folder Lex gave him. Lois looks through it and falls for the bait. She asks how Jimmy managed to score such top-secret stuff. Jimmy says that Lex was having stuff processed and printed in the photo lab and he took what was there. So. Many. Holes. Don't even know where to begin. Jimmy's a bad liar, Lois is an idiot and this scene is just melting my brain. Jimmy tries to flatter Lois by saying that he took the opportunity to steal the info, just like Lois taught him. Lois makes nice with Jimmy, saying that she's been treating him badly lately. Jimmy says it's no big deal. She smacks him on the arm with the folder and says he's got more game then she thought. Ugh. Jimmy has "game." As she walks away, Jimmy smiles nauseously and sighs.
Lair of Lex. Lex walks in to find Kara sitting in his chair at the desk. She's facing away from him, staring at the big stained glass window. "Kara?" he asks, surprised. She notes the little "V" with the stars and says it must have something to do with Veritas. Lex pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about. Kara asks why people seem to suffer from amnesia whenever she asks about it. You seem to be the expert on amnesia. Why don't you tell us? Lex doesn't answer. Kara stands. She reminds Lex that Veritas was formed to control a powerful alien from another planet. Still no answer from Lex. She says that "Veritas" also means "Truth." She asks for some now. She says she knows about Dr. Swann, the transmissions and the device that can control The Traveler. Lex asks how she heard about that. She says that she and The Traveler are from the same planet. It's called Gaywad. You should come. All over the planet. Lex is doubtful. "You don't believe me," she says. She eyejaculates two small fireballs toward the fireplace, setting it ablaze. Lex is breathless and impressed. Kara smiles sexily at him. "The dam. You were the one who saved me," Lex says. He asks why she kept denying it and why she's telling him now. Kara says she saved him for a reason. She thinks it's Lex's destiny to defeat The Traveler. She wants him to use the device. Lex asks why she doesn't just take the device and use it herself. She says that only a human can use it to save the human race. It's got human cooties. Lex says it showed him coordinates in the arctic. "Directions to his Fortress," she says, "you need to take it there to control The Traveler." Lex says that his teams disappeared trying to get there. She takes both of his hands. They frame the fireplace in profile. She says the teams didn't have a Kryptonian helping them get there. Lex says she's talking about destroying one of her own kind. She says she always thought The Traveler was good and that he believes that himself. But when she went home to Krypton, she learned that he won't save mankind. He'll only destroy it. Lex wants to believe. "Who it it?" he asks. Kara asks, "Don't you already know?" Lex looks away, deep in thought. Oh, come on. Search your pants, Lex. The answer is there.
Commercials. The Dark Knight. Wow, wow, wow. Now there's a superhero who's not all mopey.
Kent Farm. The cows cannot wait for this damn season to be over. They're taking a vacation to the bovine area of Cabo San Lucas, Cowbo. Inside the house, Clark sits on the living room couch, grimly holding beneath his fingers a small lead box. Chloe comes in through the front door and sees that he's "breaking out the heavily artillery." She says it's not every day you see Clark Kent clutching a box of Kryptonite. Or a pocketful, which is what 4 out of 5 Spin Doctors recommend. Clark says this is the only way to stop her. Chloe guesses their chat didn't go so well. Clark, looking out the window plaintively, says that Kara believes he'll be used as a weapon and that he's not doing enough to stop it. Kara and Teague both seemed to believe this. Maybe they have a point, Clark? Just maybe? "What if she's right?" he asks. What if I am a big, pretty missile? Chloe says that Kara is a lot of things: "Reckless, headstrong, possibly psychotic..." but that she's wrong about Clark. Chloe says that Clark has done everything to stop Veritas and more. Well, not really. He hasn't incapacitated Lex in any way. Clark blinks. He picks up the lead box. Clark says that Chloe is the only person who can help him. "I'm always here for you, Clark," she says. Clark insists that Chloe won't be alone. He'll be there by her side when Kara arrives. Whoah, whoah, whoah, what's the plan? Chloe says that if Clark is going to use this kind of weaponry, he can't shoot himself in the foot. She says it'll take out any Kryptonian in the room and that Clark can't be around when she lifts the lid. She wants to do this herself. Yeah, cool, good luck with that. Later!
Lair of Lex. Lex is putting the 20-Sided Die of Arctic Possibility in a briefcase that has a special little hole dug out for the thing. Aw, Lex is treating it like a pet rock. How cute! Right-Hand Johnny walks into the room with Jimmy. Johnny says the jet is fueled and ready. Lex says to tell the crew that one more passenger is coming. Jimmy asks where he and Lex are going. Lex says Jimmy's not going anywhere. Dude, you brought it up. Douche. Jimmy says he did what Lex asked him to do. He misled Lois. "Well done," Lex tells him. He starts to walk out with the briefcase. Jimmy asks if they're "Wax on/wax off even now." Lex says their arrangement has just begun. He wants regular reports on what Lois is doing. Jimmy doesn't want to spy. He says it's not fair. Lex reminds him that life isn't fair. And if you spend your life watching this show, life's just kicking you in the balls. Jimmy stands in front of Lex and whines that lying's not his thing and that it's eating him up inside. What, is there some sort of tell-tale heart in the floorboards or something? Suck it up, Jimmy! Jeez, man! He says it's making his stomach hurt. "Well, it's never too late to learn a new skill," Lex tells him coolly. It would have been much funnier if Lex had recommended Maalox. Jimmy gets in the way again as Lex tries to walk away. Lex shoots him a dangerous look. Jimmy says he just can't do this. He promises not to reveal Lex's Arctic plans, but says he just can't spy on his friend. Lex looks at Jimmy with disgust, then puts a sarcastic hand on his shoulder. He says he respects Jimmy's integrity. Lex says it took a lot to come and put his cards on the table. Jimmy thanks him. Lex asks Jimmy to step aside so he can catch his plane. "You bet," Jimmy says, "have a great trip Lex!" Jimmy has the misguided notion that he's not totally screwed. Sucker!
The Talon. Chloe is in her apartment, talking on the phone to Kara. She has one hand shoved in a black purse as she paces. She tells Kara that Clark is planning on destroying the Fortress so no one will control him. She says she's at the apartment with him. There's a whoosh and Kara is suddenly in the room. "Where's Clark?" she asks. "He's, uh... right back here," Chloe says. In the pantry! to the Cheetos! She starts walking and then, BLAM! She busts out the tiny Kryptonite. It glows green, but that's about it. Back, vampire, back! Kara just smiles at Chloe. Nothing happens. Chloe asks why it's not working. "Check the expiration date?" Kara asks. Chloe tries to explain that they're trying to help Kara, but Kara is just mad that she was lied to about Clark. Chloe tries to run, but Kara is at the door, holding it closed. Her hand starts sprouting black goo. Chloe turns and the black goo has morphed into the shape of Professor Milton SoFine, better known as Brainiac. "Oh, God," Chloe says. Brainiac grabs Chloe's wrist. He says he's impressed. He calls Chloe weak-willed and even worse, a friend of Clark's, and tells her he never thought she'd use Kryptonite against Clark's cousin. Brainiac remembers her. "Always sticking your pretty little head where it doesn't belong," he says creepily. He puts up a finger and it turns into two metallic snakes. They sprout spikes and claw into the sides of Chloe's head. She gasps as they dig in and suck her juicy brain fuels. A third spike appears and burrows in through her forehead. Chloe is suddenly surrounded by bright orange light. She falls on the floor, still bathed by light and dry ice smoke. Brainiac, suddenly sweaty, takes a step back. He's breathing heavily. "What the Hell are you?" he asks. The power of Chloe compels you!
LuthorCorp jet. Lex is checking his watch. Johnny shows up. Lex tells him to have the pilot start the engine. Johnny says he thought Lex was waiting for some guide. "I don't need her," Lex says, "not sure I should even trust her." Johnny reminds him that the last few teams have disappeared. Lex says he thinks he has everything he needs to make it to his destination. He thinks that if the orb is meant to protect all of humanity, then that should include him as well. Johnny is scared. He thinks it's dangerous. Lex says it's worth the risk. "We leave now." Very reluctantly, Johnny walks back to the cockpit and closes the curtains behind him. It would be funny if he just bailed from the plane before it took off. Lex opens the briefcase to stare at his die again. So pretty.
Poll: Will Right-Hand Johnny be back season?
a. Yes, somebody has to put Lex's affairs in order when he's gone.
b. Naw, he was eaten by sled dogs in the Arctic, per Lex's order.
c. No, he'll be kickin' it on Top Chef. He has an awesome braise.
d. Yes, but ironically, he'll have to have his right hand removed.
e. He might be the only cast member left.
Smallville Medical Center, a place I won't miss over the summer. Clark walks into Chloe's hospital room. She's got a tube hooked up to her mouth. Clark sits by her side. What a bummer. "I'm so sorry," he says. He takes her hand. Clark lowers his head. Chloe's eyes open. They're cloudy the way Lana's were when Brainiac was controlling her. Clark is suddenly very pissed off. "Brainiac," he whispers. Newman!
A big, fenced power plant. Brainiac, sweaty and weak, eyejaculates onto the fence to burn a hole he was walk through. Can't you just fly over that? He stumbles forward, slowly. We see power lines sparking overhead.
Commercials. If John Hodgman put out an album of country songs, I would definitely purchase that.
The power plant. The camera cranes down from up high and some animators have been nice enough to draw Spencer Gifts-style electric rays anywhere that there's a metal surface. Thanks, CGI animators! Brainiac is holding his arms out, zombie-like, to absorb the sweet electric boogie of energy. He's not actually touching anything, because that would be dangerous. The electricity is coming to him. Everything goes to slow motion as Clark appears from off to the side and punches Brainiac right in the side of the face. Hey! Asshole! I'm trying to eat here! Brainiac goes flying and lands in between some giant coils. Showering sparks and busted ceramic coils are everywhere. The camera moves along the ground to show us where Brainiac landed. Clark towers over him. "Kara never came back from Krypton...DID SHE?" Brainiac gets up slowly and says it was quite an impression, though, wasn't it? Yeah, there was weird sexual tension and she was all flirty and hot and... Hey! You tricked me! Brainiac stands unsteadily. He's even sweatier than before. He says it was the only way he could come to Earth without the risk that Clark would hurt him. "You killed her," Clark says. Brainiac says he did something much worse. He says Clark will never see her again. Clark gets mad and pushes Brainiac against a wall. He asks where Kara went. Brainiac says that if Clark had just done what he said, nobody would have gotten hurt. "No one but you," he says. Clark asks if this was all about revenge. Brainiac says this was about self-preservation. When he couldn't kill Clark, he had to control him. Clark says he's in control now.
He demands that Brainiac release Chloe and Lana. Brainiac says that the only way to save them is to kill him now in cold blood. He thinks Clark won't do it because he'd never deliberately take another man's life. Clark finds the easy loophole: "You're not a man," he says, "you're a machine. Clark grabs two giant electrical cords and plugs them into either side of Brainiac. Let me get this straight: Brainiac came here for some energy. And you're trying to kill him by... plugging him in to some energy? Brainiac makes painful faces. I guess it's the wrong kind of food and is giving him electrical indigestion. Brainiac says that Clark may kill him, but Clark's own end is near and there's nothing he can do to stop it. Clark takes a third power conduit out of a nearby panel and holds it threateningly at Brainiac. This one goes up your ass, you robot dick! Clark says that Brainiac won't hurt anyone again. He shoves it into Brainiac's chest and light spills out from his mouth and cheeks. Brainiac screams and shakes. He explodes in a flash of light. Little bright particles fly everywhere. Clark looks up to the sky. Far off in space see a familiar space rectangle floating toward us. It's Kara in the Phantom Zone. The rectangle moves to its side and we see a close-up of her eye.
Lana's coma asylum, at night. Clark is walking down a hallway, talking to Chloe on the phone. The gist of the conversation is, "Oh, awesome that you're not practically dead anymore, good for you, I'm going to see Lana." Nice one, Clark. Clark goes to Lana's room and finds it empty and dark. There's a small light on to the very tiny bed. "Lana," Clark says quietly. A nurse asks if he's Clark Kent. Clark asks where Lana went and if she's all right. "Miss Lang had a full recovery!" the woman says cheerfully. She says it's something of a miracle. The nurse says that Lana has already checked out, but she asked her to give Clark something. She hands Clark a DVD. It can't be good news. Jeez, how long did Clark wait to go visit Lana?
We cut to a TV screen. Lana, bled of all color in what's almost black and white footage, is talking to the video camera. Her face is right up against the camera and she already has tears in her eyes. As corny-ass piano music plays, she tells Clark, via the magic of DVD, that she was going to wait to tell him this in person. But she just happened to have some make-up and a video camera lying around so...The camera pulls back in the room as Lana says that if she'd looked into Clark's eyes, she'd never be able to say this. We cut to Clark watching the TV in his darkened living room. Lana says that they thought they were meant to be together, but the truth is they were fooling themselves. "I need you," she says, "but the world needs you more." Oh GAWD. She says that as long as she's in Clark's life, she's holding him back. We knew this! Back in Season One! Where was your fucking self-realization then? YOU WASTED OUR TIME! We TOLD you guys! We see the shape of a woman coming into the door behind Clark. She's all fuzzy, but it's easy to tell it's Lois. "Please, don't come after me," we hear Lana say from the recording. On TV, Lana is crying. "I love you, Clark," she blubbers. Clark blinks back tears. "... More than you will ever know," Lana says. She smiles through her pain and moves to turn off the recording. We see static, which doesn't make sense on a DVD, but whatever. Clark is crying now. The music isn't helping. His lip quivers. Oh, shut up. You're gonna have one more fling in Season Eight with her, and we all know it. He turns and sees that Lois is in the doorway. He tries to put on a brave face, but he's pretty destroyed. Lois rushes to him and gives him a huge hug. "I'm so sorry," she says quietly Clark cries on her shoulder. We cut to a wider short and pull back as the two of them hug. So... wanna have a beer? And then some sex?
Al: YES! Fuck YES! You thought we were gone didn't you?
Miles: We were laying low... setting our trap... doing filthy things in the bushes while you were watching unawares.
Al: Now their love is FOREVER, bitches! We win! Go stab your eyes out if you don't like it. It took seven whole seasons, but we are the champions, my friend! No time for non-Clana-lovin' losers, 'cuz Al and Miles are the champions...
Al and Miles: OF THE... WOOOOOORLD!
Al: Suck it, fandom. We're going out on a high note. This is what it's all about. Living large and livin' Lana. PINK, OUT!
Miles: Pink out, motherfuckers. Smell ya later, haters.
I would say kill me now, but then I'd miss my summer vacation. So instead we'll just go to The Talon at night. Chloe and Jimmy are going to the apartment, but Jimmy is all freaked out about Chloe getting out of the hospital. He asks her to take it slow and wants to make sure she's all right. Jimmy offers to carry her up the stairs. Chloe says she's fine. He offers to get her some tea, but stumbles over a chair in the empty café. He offers to get her some water instead, sparkling even. He says it'll match her smile. Chloe says she just got out of ICU, but Jimmy seems to be the one with impaired motor skills right now. He is indeed spazzing out. She asks if he's all right. Jimmy stops her from walking away by saying that before tonight he never thought he would lose her, even though they've had a few breakups. He says even if they weren't together, he'd know she was happy in the world. Jimmy was shaken up by her short coma. Tinkly music plays as Jimmy tells her that she means so much to him and that he wants to spend the rest of their time on this world together. He gets down on a knee. He pulls out a little yellow and orange plastic egg? Jimmy? For real? Oh, man. Inside is a toy ring, a plastic blue gem with rhinestones around it. He says that's all they had at the hospital gift shop. But he didn't want to wait. Chloe lights up. Jimmy says they can have Breakfast at Tiffany's in the morning. He hasn't asked anything yet, but he finally does: "Will you marry me?" he asks. Just then, two men burst into the room from opposite ends. They're both wearing dark suits and have guns drawn. "Don't move!" one of them yells. Jimmy, surprised, says this isn't right. They push him aside as Chloe asks what's going on. Jimmy tries to fight, but he gets hit in the stomach and tripped so he lands on the floor, face-down. Chloe calls for Jimmy. It's agents from the Department of Domestic Security. They handcuff Chloe and place her under arrest. A third agent holds Jimmy on the floor and the two others carry Chloe away. "Jimmy, call Clark. CALL CLARK!" she yells, as she's dragged out of The Talon. Nice one, Jimmy.
Kent Farm, nighttime. Dark clouds are overhead. Clark stands in the barn loft. He's staring out into the distance. Jimmy has shown up. He calls for Clark from downstairs. Clark pretends not to hear until Jimmy comes upstairs. Jimmy says that Chloe was arrested. "What?" Clark says, dully. Jimmy tells Clark that Chloe was caught hacking and that he made a deal with Lex to protect her. Clark can't believe he made a deal with Lex Luthor. Sorry! Jimmy says that he told Lex to get another lapdog, but that just put Chloe back on the Most Wanted list. Clark asks where he can find Lex. Jimmy reveals that Lex is off jet-setting somewhere around the Arctic Circle. Clark looks surprised. Clark tries to figure out what to do. It involves thinking and that's always a huge bitch.
The Fortress. Lex is there, wearing a long coat. He looks around and sees glowing ice everywhere. This place is AWESOME! He wanders past large, tilted ice columns. He sees a purple glow and follows it. He finds a collection of purple ice dildos. Yes! Ice dildos! It all makes sense now. Lex, wearing gloves, pulls out his large 20-sided orb. It begins to glow light blue from the crest that Lex retrieved in Montreal. Then it disappears into the orb. Clark whooshes in, appearing behind Lex. The orb goes to a light purple. Lex turns around. The final countdown! Big music. "I must admit, Clark. This is a big step up from the barn," Lex says. Clark starts trying to lie his way out of it. He says it's not what Lex thinks and that he doesn't understand. Lex holds up the orb. He says that for the first time, he thinks he does understand. He says Clark lives among us as a mild-mannered farmboy. He says that Clark is a visitor from another planet, secretly plotting our demise. Oh, whatever Lex. You know how many lives Clark has saved now that you know his secret. Clark says that's not what he's doing. They circle each other. Lex says it's a brilliant disguise and Clark doesn't even need a mask. "I'm not your enemy, Lex. I've never done anything to hurt you," Clark tries. Lex is mad that Clark didn't trust him. He says that with everything Clark can do, they could have accomplished so much together. "I would have helped you become a hero," Lex tells him. Clark thinks Lex would have only wanted to help himself. "Right now," Lex says, "I'm doing this for the world." And for the win! FTW! He says he has to protect the human race. Clark says it's his life and Lex has no right to control him. "It's my birthright!" Lex yells. He says that after all his sacrifices and pain, he finally understands that he was being prepared for this greater destiny. Everything led to this moment. "We're both here," Clark says, "we're in that moment." Let's kiss! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, perhaps the last one ever. Clark says nobody is controlling Lex or forcing him to do this. Lex asks why he should turn his back on his fellow man the way Clark turned his back on him. "I'm sorry, Clark. You are The Traveler." He walks toward the ice dildos. He says that Clark holds the future of the planet in his hands and he's here to take it back. "Lex," Clark says. "You'll never threaten the world again...Kal-El." Lex sticks the orb on the dildo nest as Clark says, "No!" It glows brightly. Lex steps back as orb shoots beams all over the place and at Clark. Already, ice is coming down. Clark falls to the ground. Pieces of ice fall. Some of them bounce. Lex goes to Clark and picks him up, holding him in his arms. "I loved you like a brother," Lex says, "but it has to end this way." Clark, shaking, seems to give a tiny nod as he looks up helplessly at Lex. They stare at each other. Lex says he's sorry. More ice comes down as we pull back, far back, up through the ceiling. Everything is coming down in an animated avalanche. The whole Fortress falls apart and dies. We're looking at an Arctic landscape, and everything is gone except the distant mountains and the moon. So... we go to black.
And that's it! Happy trails to Al and Miles, who have given me seven years of easy gay jokes and turgid dialogue that made the recaps practically write themselves. Goodbye, Michael Rosenbaum. We loved watching you play Lex and only wish it didn't have to end before the show's last episode. Guest spot season? Eh? Maybe? Why not? And thanks to the TWoP founders and the new management for another season of cheese and laughs. Have a great summer, everybody. I hope to see you in September for the final death march toward boredom and/or oblivion. Bye!
Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.
And that's it! Happy trails to Al and Miles, who have given me seven years of easy gay jokes and turgid dialogue that made the recaps practically write themselves. Goodbye, Michael Rosenbaum. We loved watching you play Lex and only wish it didn't have to end before the show's last episode. Guest spot season? Eh? Maybe? Why not? And thanks to the TWoP founders and the new management for another season of cheese and laughs. Have a great summer, everybody. I hope to see you in September for the final death march toward boredom and/or oblivion. Bye!
Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.
And that's it! Happy trails to Al and Miles, who have given me seven years of easy gay jokes and turgid dialogue that made the recaps practically write themselves. Goodbye, Michael Rosenbaum. We loved watching you play Lex and only wish it didn't have to end before the show's last episode. Guest spot season? Eh? Maybe? Why not? And thanks to the TWoP founders and the new management for another season of cheese and laughs. Have a great summer, everybody. I hope to see you in September for the final death march toward boredom and/or oblivion. Bye!
Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.
And that's it! Happy trails to Al and Miles, who have given me seven years of easy gay jokes and turgid dialogue that made the recaps practically write themselves. Goodbye, Michael Rosenbaum. We loved watching you play Lex and only wish it didn't have to end before the show's last episode. Guest spot season? Eh? Maybe? Why not? And thanks to the TWoP founders and the new management for another season of cheese and laughs. Have a great summer, everybody. I hope to see you in September for the final death march toward boredom and/or oblivion. Bye!
Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.