Lex hires an old, crusty antiques expert to solve the riddle of his Veritas Super Double Secret Decoder Pamphlet. But solving mysteries is dangerous: Lex is attacked in his own home (security!) by the same guy who took out Va-Gina the Baronness and who tried to attack Lex in Zurich. Only this time, the guy succeeds: he stabs Lex and carves a huge, nasty set of Kryptonian symbols into Lex's chest. Jimmy happens to get a shot of this when Lex is taken to the hospital (nobody believes in dressing a wound up in here?), and of course the photo ends up in Clark's hands. Clark and Chloe figure out that the symbols mean "Sanctuary," "Traveler" and "Savior." A few wild leaps of logic later and Chloe has pinpointed the symbols pointing to a St. Christopher's Cathedral in Quebec. Clark goes there and finds Edward Teague, who is the last member of Veritas left. He bows before Clark and promises to protect him, but that gets ugly really quick when Teague decides Clark isn't accepting his destiny like a good space alien and needs to be subjected to a Kryptonian ritual that involves carving more symbols into chests. You see, paper was really expensive on Krypton. Clark, subdued by Kryptonite, is roughed up, but is eventually saved by Chloe, who has Oliver's private jet at her disposal. Lex, using information from the antiques expert, follows his own set of clues to get to the cathedral, where he finds a special grandfather clock that works with the decoder pamphlet from Zurich. The clock releases a small crest that Lex pockets. Then he and Edward Teague fight. Clark, saved by Chloe, interjects in the fight and prevents Lex and Teague from killing each other. Clark and Chloe argue about the ethics of killing Lex before he takes control of Clark. Clark decides he doesn't want to be a killer. Lex uses a song that the clock was playing at the church to unlock a series of clues that reach from Scotland all the way back to his own home. He uncovered a small sack buried above his fireplace. Inside is a giant purple Kryptonian golf ball. There's a place on it for a crest-shaped object to be placed. Lex puts his new-found crest in there and it glows, then shows him a map of Earth with a very specific location marked way up North. Up around the artic.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.
We open with our eye behind the lens of a magnifying instrument. It's looking down at the Veritas-Brand Super Secret Compass Decoder Wheel of Slide Ruling. The view reverses so that we see a giant eye staring at us. AGGHH! Put that away! We pull back to reveal an old gentleman looking through a magnifying glass at Lex's latest acquisition. "Unbelievable," he says. No, you're unbelievable (ohhhhh!). "Immaculate," he says. Well, I do try to keep myself in shape. He's sitting in the darkened Lair of Lex, as the man of the house stands nearby. There are flames roaring in the fireplace. Don't you think this guy could use a little more light to examine this precious thing, Lex? "The gears... the complications," the man says. Oh, the complications! They're so... complicated! Avril Lavigne herself could not write a song that did justice to such complications! In his heavy European accent, the man tells Lex, "I haff never sin anything qvite like eet." Well, props to the prop department, then, because it doesn't look all that special to me. "Vot, I mean what does it do?" Lex asks. It impresses old European dudes. It's like bathing in a Speedo on the beach or incredibly expensive cheese. The man says he doesn't know. It's probably just a map to the fridge. Lex says he didn't hire the most renowned expert on antiquities in North America just to get an ambiguous answer. First of all, hats off to Lex for using "antiquities" and "ambiguity" in the same sentence. But, really, Lex, you couldn't afford to hire an expert from another continent? You disappoint me, billionaire. As usual. The man says, a bit nervously, that he needs more time. He needs to take it to his workshop and take the thing apart. He likes to vork in his undervear. Whoah there, Bela Lugosi. You're not going fucking anywhere. And we're not validating your parking, either. Lex says the "cryptograph" isn't leaving this room. It holds great sentimental value for him. "It's priceless," Lex says. The man, Bela, stands slowly. He says that if you can't decode such a thing, then the priceless heirloom would seem to have no value at all. Sentimental value, dude! Lex hearts it! So in order for an antique to have value, you have to be able to get it to perform some sort of trick? My antique is not your whore, mister! Lex looks a little pissed at the dude, but drops his eyes in minor defeat. Bela stars to pack up his little Old European Antiquities Man Carrying Case (it doubles as a fanny pack) and gives Lex a courtly little nod as he leaves. Lex's most recently hired suited assistant watches the old man go. Lex tells the guard that he wants a security detail on the old man, 24/7. So he let Bela take the cryptograph? The guard goes, leaving Lex alone with his fireplace and his thoughts. He puts his hands on the rail above the fireplace, the better to warm up his midsection. Someone comes into the room. Lex turns just in time to get smacked in the chest. He quickly grabs a poker from to the fireplace and begins a not-so-much-with-the-swords swordfight. It's the guy who took out Va-Gina the Baroness and who tried to attack Lex in Zurich. Hate that guy! Lex tries to stab him, but he gets punched in the face. The man grabs Lex's arm and stabs him in the side with a dagger. Lex grunts. He falls, weak. The man kneels over Lex and gets to work. He opens Lex's shirt and, as the camera rises to keep Lex's body out of view, he begins carving with his dagger. It's just a few strokes, but it sounds pretty gnarly. Lex grits his teeth in pain. We hear a door opening, and the attacker scoots out. The camera comes down from overhead. It rotates and zooms until we're close enough to see a large diamond shape on Lex's chest with two lines bisecting it. One is horizontal, near the top of the diamond, the other is vertical and on the left side of the diamond. Oh, and there's blood. It's pretty gross. Seen enough? Good, because we're going to the opening credits.
By Omar G
Commercials. Is Dennis Haysbert personally protecting your vehicle from an insurance disaster? If not, you'd better get Allstate. Or Dennis Haysbert will come and kick you in the uninsured ass and you will thank him for the privilege.
Poll: What does the carving on Lex's chest mean?
a) "May contain nuts below"
b) "Contents under extreme pressure"
c) "Used to be good, but is past expiration date"
d) "Gone after week"
e) "This scar will only make him sexier"
Lex is lying on a hospital bed with his giant chest wound completely exposed. Er, doctor? I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but could a billionaire please get a fucking Band-Aid at least? Some antibacterial ointment maybe? Are you trying to grow bacteria samples on Lex's chest or something? Good thing Lex has no chest hair, though, because that might have made for an even messier chest carving. Lex wakes as the camera pulls back to reveal the darkened hospital room. He winces. "Sir, don't try to get up," Lex's Right-Hand-Man, Johnny the Major Domo, says. Yeah, thanks for the advice, Jeeves. I feel like a goddamned Jack-O-Lantern. Johnny says he's taken care of everything. Well, did you kill that guy who just played Spirograph all over my tummy? Because if not, then I don't think you took care of Jack or his shit. Lex says that things clearly weren't taken care of earlier this evening. It's your awful security team, Lex. I think the hiring buck stops with you. Johnny blinks a long time, hurt by the accusation. Lexd asks what the police know. Basic criminal justice, I would imagine. Johnny says that they're not cooperating with the police. Instead, they have a private team chasing Lex's assailant, but they don't have many leads. I guess the security cameras and the fact that the guy came right into Lex's home doesn't really give you much to work with. Lex groans that it was the manager from the bank in Zurich. He really hates it when people don't fill out the withdrawal slip. Lex says the guy must have been waiting for him at the bank. He says he must not be the only one interested in what was contained in the safety deposit box. Lex grunts again as he tries to get up. "Sir!" Johnny says, not helping him up. Lex gets to his feet. "He was trying to kill me," Lex says. Nah. He had you on the floor at knife-point. If he wanted to kill you, he would have done it. "He was trying to do more than that," Johnny says. He glances down at Lex's midsection. Saaaaay, nice torso! Lex suddenly notices his ghastly injuries. He pulls out a license plate-sized mirror and examines himself. It's the symbol for "My contract is expiring and I won't be back." "Symbols," Lex whispers wearily, "he knows." Lex, all sweaty, says that Zurich Dude is after the cryptograph. The Strings of Doom play us out of the scene.
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The Talon, nighttime. Someone is unlocking the front door of the apartment from the outside. It's Jimmy, coming home late at night. Jimmy hears Chloe's voice tell him that she doesn't mind him coming home late and won't ask why he stood her up as long as he brought her some delicious cheesecake. Friends of Eliot Spitzer knew things were going badly when he allocated $50,000 in government funds for cheesecake to be delivered to Mrs. Spitzer. Chloe is on her bed and has just turned on the bedside lamp. Jimmy goes, "Oh yeaaaah," but says that the hospital cafeteria isn't known for its desserts. Chloe sits up. She asks if Jimmy is all right. Jimmy says that he's fine. In fact he's making Page Two. Lex is the one who's not that hot (I beg to differ, Jimmy. I really do) because he was just the victim of multiple stab wounds. Hey, nice nightie, Chloe. Jimmy says that sometimes ambulance-chasing does pay off. He says he got a candid shot of Lex being admitted to the hospital. Chloe says she'll pass on the peep show, but she thinks there are other ways for Jimmy to make up for being late. She snuggles up to his side, putting her lips close to his ear. She starts kissing Jimmy along the side of his cheek and chin. Jimmy, barely responding, says that Lex's security isn't exactly cooperating with the police. "Don't you find this a little suspicious?" he asks. Chloe, breaking off her sexual heat, says she's surprised Lex has any enemies left, given how many dead bodies have turned up lately. Jimmy starts thumbing through his phone's photo options. Chloe asks why someone would attack Lex. Jimmy says the "why" isn't as interesting as the "how." She sees a picture that shows doctors working over Lex's scarred-up chest. She asks if it was a name or something. Jimmy says it was some sort of freaky symbol. Chloe finally pieces together what's happening in her head. Unnecessary close-up of Lex's hospital photo. Yes, we know what scars and blood look like.
Smallville Medical Center. Where even bitter billionaires go to get substandard treatment in dimly lit rooms. Chloe shows up and meets Clark, who was waiting for her. She apologizes for being late given that she has to drive. Clark's grumpy about being pulled out of bed just because Lex got hurt. Chloe tells him it was more than that. She shows him the photo that Jimmy shot, printed out on a nice glossy sheet. She says it was carved onto Lex's chest. "What does it say?" she asks. "This is what happens when you don't agree to come back for Season Eight." Clark says there are several symbols. One is for "Traveler," another is for "Savior." Chloe says there's one group that appointed itself the savior of the Traveler. "Veritas," Clark whispers. Chloe says they're all dead now. Clark asks who else might know about all this. Chloe says it would be the person that knows about the two keys and is trying to control Clark. They walk-and-talk down the hallway. Chloe thinks that someone must have attacked Lex after he used both keys. She's already tracked the safety deposit box to Zurich. "Then we're too late?" Clark asks. Chloe says that it appears Clark is still steering his own ship. No, that was last week when he was directing. She thinks that whatever's in the box hasn't been used yet. Chloe thinks it might be because Lex doesn't know that Clark is the Traveler. That would make Lex one giant idiot. "Let's find out," Clark says. He goes to Lex's exam room. The room is empty, of course. The bed hasn't been made yet. Clark looks around. Nope. Not here. I thought he might be hiding in the wainscoting or something.
The stormy streets of Metropolis. A car pulls up to the street-facing windows of a first-floor office. It's Angry Zurich Banker in the driver's seat. Through open blinds, he sees Bela sitting inside the building, messing with the crytograph. Nice one, Lex. At some point you'll have to take responsibility for your idiot security team. Zurich Banker makes a phone call. "I found it," he says. Yeah, it wasn't hard. I just used Google Street View and Bela Lugosi was right there, picking his nose. The mysterious person on the other end of the phone tells Zurich Banker to get the cryptograph. We don't see the mystery man, but we see that he's using a very old black phone and there are red candles lit nearby.
Inside the office. Anonymous Security Guy peeks outside the blinds to make sure everyone has an unobstructed view of Bela. He's sniper-friendly. We pan across the room and see the antiques expert messing with his assignment. "It can't be," he says. He says he should have seen it before. The old man is holding a small spoked wheel. He asked Anonymous Security Guy if he wants to take a look. "Think I'll pass," the guy says. Bela asks an attractive young blonde woman if she wants to have a look. She gives a flattered little giggle. Bela says they're both missing a real, real treat. Under the magnifying glass, my old, flaccid penis is HUGE! Magnificent! Gather around! Angry Zurich Banker bursts through the door. He shoots the woman. "Gooo!" she screams, and falls. Anonymous pulls out his gun and tries to shoot, but he misses Zurich by a mile. Nice shootin' there, Anymous. Zurich Banker shoots him. Bela Lugosi starts crawling along the floor. Vat are zees cobwebs on ze floor? I should hire a cleeeening lady. Angry Zurich Banker follows as Bela scoots. "No, no, no, please take it!" he begs. He holds up the cryptograph. There's a gunshot, but it's coming from behind Zurich. Lex is standing there, of course. Did Zurich not remember to make sure Lex wasn't nearby somewhere? Bela is relieved. Lex stares him down. Give up my cryptograph, will you? Asshole.
Commercials. Am I the only one who gets a strong, negative, visceral reaction to seeing ads for McDonald's?
Isis Foundation at night. Chloe has put the photos of Lex up on the big flat screens so they can enjoy the gory, delicious Schadenfreude in all their widescreen HD glory. "Savior. Traveler," Clark repeats. Chloe jokes that skywriting must be passé. Oh, har de har har. Clark wonders if the person who carved up Lex has also kidnapped him. Chloe asks if that wouldn't be a good thing for Clark. Clark draws the line at having people kill on his behalf. Pointedly, Chloe says, "That's probably how God felt about the Crusades." Serious looks exchanged. Clark asks again why someone would do this. "Lex got himself into this," Chloe reminds Clark. Clark says that he let this happen. No, dude, you really didn't. Clark notices something in one of the photos. He's spotted a third symbol on the top left. It's "Sanctuary." Clark says there's no Kryptonian word for church (heathens!) but that sanctuary could be an approximation. In that case, "Savior" might refer to an angel or saint. Chloe has to look up the Patron Saint of Travelers, which really sells Chloe short. Plus, Clark should already know that. It's St. Christopher, of course. She asks for Clark's phone. She uses Sprint's GPS locator to map for Clark the location of a St. Christopher's Cathedral in Montreal. She says there's only one St. Christopher's Cathedral on this continent. Could that be true? Really? I guess it is. Clark frowns. For being the Traveler, he sure doesn't look too eager to go on any trips.
A town car is driving through a storm. Lex and Bela are sitting in the back. Bela is still shaken up that somebody tried to kill him. Lex says he must have underestimated the cryptograph's value. Bela says, extremely slowly. "I'm not sorr-prieeeezed. Conseederink vot I found!" "Go on," Lex tells him. Yes, please do. I'm loving the accent. Bela says that the designer of the cryptograph leaves his artist signature. It's the Diamond Shamrock symbol with one extra diamond on the bottom. Seriously? He must have also had an interest in petroleum. Bela says the cryptograph was made by a renowned German watchmaker named Dietrich Brauer. "Dee" for short. Bela says excitedly that Brauer made timepieces for lots of nobility in Europe. One day, he went into seclusion. The rumor was that he was hired to make a magnificent clock. Lex thinks, "You did say 'Clock,' right? Just so there's no confusion." The clock was Brauer's masterpiece. Lex asks what the clock has to do with the cryptograph. Bela says the only known sketch of the clock disappeared during WWII. He says the sketch matches the cryptograph, "Exact-ally." Lex asks where the clock went. Bela tells him that it was lost for decades, but recently resurfaced when it was donated by a wealthy philanthropist. The donator: Dr. Swann. The location: St. Christopher's Cathedral in Montreal. Hey, we were just about to go there with Clark!
Outside the church. Clark checks his phone one more time to make sure there's not some other giant cathedral within the surrounding 50 feet. He goes up the steps. Inside, it's awfully beautiful. Lots of open air and stained glass. Clark walks down the center and comes to a large fountain. Inside, below the holy water, are Kryptonian symbols. "Cast your eye beneath the surface," Clark reads. Instead of sticking his eye into the water, which is what I would have done, Clark lifts the top half of the fountain and peeks underneath. Several more symbols on the bottom. Clark doesn't read those to us. "It appears you've found what you've been seeking," a man says. It's a monk (but not Tony Shaloub), in a full robe and hood. He's been expecting Clark. He walks slowly toward the Traveler, holding himself up with a cane. He says only one person could read the inscription and follow the instructions. "Who are you?" Clark asks. The man pulls back his hood. Hey, it's Robert Picardo, the robot doctor from Star Trek: Voyager! He says he's the last surviving member of Veritas. "Teague," Clark says. Teague gets on his knees. He says he's been waiting a lifetime to serve Clark. Uh... dirty? Teague closes his eyes and looks down. It's the Gayest Looking-Away of the Episode. Clark is not sure what to make of this at all. The stained glass windows behind him offer no advice.
Commercials. I'll be sad the day they stop making funky, booty-shaking iPod ads.
The cathedral. Teague says that Clark must know what it's like to be worshipped. Yeah, dude, in high school, there was this rich bald guy who would just not quit! Clark says he didn't ask for this. He says Veritas put him on a pedestal. Now they're all dead. Teague says that Papa Luthor wanted Clark all to himself and killed everybody else. He says he went into hiding after his wife and son were killed. Clark frowns. "They all died because of me," he says. Teague tries to reassure Clark that they died for him. "They didn't even know me!" Clark says. Swann knew you and I'm pretty sure Jason Teague did, too. Teague says they were happy to die on Clark's behalf (you sure about that?) and that they believed Clark was the world's savior. He says they took an oath to protect Clark. They took it to Chili's and had some margaritas, but that's another story. Clark asks if that's why they attacked Lex. Teague says Lex is a non-believer and that he's harmful. Teague thought Lex was too close when he reached the bank in Zurich. Clark asks what it is that Lex was so close to finding. Teague says he doesn't know. "Swann kept that secret to himself," he says. As he walks away from Clark, back down the aisle, he says that Swann scattered clues around the world so they wouldn't get into the wrong hands. One of the clues is in the church. He's not sure where, though. Clark asks why they would carve Clark's name into Lex's chest. Teague says that Papa Luthor kept Clark's identity a secret. He was hoping Clark would see it and come find him. "I had to," he says. You HAD to carve some symbols into Lex's chest? Really, now? He says Clark has to believe how evil Lex has become. "I know who Lex is," Clark says, forcefully. I have seen him nude. I have bathed with him. I KNOW! Clark says he knows what Lex has done. Teague asks why Clark didn't take care of him before. Like take care of him? Deadly style? Clark doesn't have a good answer for that. Teague says they've sacrificed everything, including the lives of their families. "You don't want to fulfill your destiny. You don't even want to save yourself!" he says angrily. He opens the top of his cane to reveal a pimpin' green jewel. It glows brightly and makes Clark fall down. Clark lies on his back, in pain. Teague says that Clark can't be so naïve. He gives a speech about lightness and darkness in the universe while Clark is like, "OK, OK, dude! I! Just! This hurts! Jerk!" Teague says they have to fight the darkness. "Lex cannot be allowed to control you. No one can!" Teague shouts, "No matter the cost." Clark falls asleep. That was a good bedtime story.
Lex's private plane. Lex is popping some painkillers for the massive exposed wound on his chest that the doctors didn't treat. Sadly, it's a little late to introduce a "Lex is addicted to prescription painkillers" subplot. Lex downs the pills with some Scotch, old-school-style and walks past Bela, who is messing with the pieces of the cryptograph on a tray. Lex tells Bela that they land in three hours and he hopes that's enough time for him to do his antique magic shit. Bela chooses this inopportune moment to have a meltdown. He takes off his glasses and says, "Zose guards are ded. I voz almost kilt. And I haff told you effrythink I know." He says Lex has practically abducted him. Practically? He asks what Lex has gotten him into. Lex, sweaty leaning back in his leather seat, suddenly regrets choosing the whiniest antiquities expert in the world to take on a long plane ride. Lex says he shouldn't concern himself with that. Bela goes further off the deep end. He complains that his life is in danger and that Lex won't let him go. (Would you like to get off the plane right now?" He says there's a good chance Lex will kill him before he gets off the plane. "So... vy shoot I help you?" Lex reminds him that he saved his life back there. Bela says that's only because Lex still needed him. He makes a little wiggly hand gesture toward the cryptograph. That's right, youngsters, learn from this man: It's ACTING! Stage business! Use your props! He says Lex is still needing him now. Lex is getting fed up. Bela tells him that in antiquities, providence is everything. Rhode Island is awful with antiquities. He says the story of how and why something was made is important. That's the true value of an item. Bela says that according to rumors, Brauer was hired by a secret society of wealthy patrons. He asks if Lex knows anything about that. Lex scoffs. Maybe it's the painkillers talking, because he decides to tell the truth. Lex says his father was one of them. Lex says his father was obsessed with one thing: Finding the truth at all costs. He picks up a piece of the cryptograph with his bandaged left hand as he speaks. "My father's obsession made me an orphan long before he died," Lex says. He did reach out to you in later years, but you pushed him away, you ungrateful jerk. Lex says he always wondered why. He thinks the cryptograph is going to give him the answer. Bela thinks, "Yeah, you didn't really tell me anything about the cryptograph, did you?" Bored, he puts on his magnifying glasses and gets back to work before Lex launches into another "poor me" story.
Isis. Instead of using the awesome power of Lana's computers, Chloe is using her green laptop as she calls Clark. She's leaving Clark a message telling him that the LuthorCorp jet just departed for Montreal. She suggests Clark do his business at the church quickly. Jimmy walks in through the unlocked front door, all excited. Chloe quickly shuts her laptop screen. "I take it you're over the whole sleep thing," Chloe deadpans. Jimmy has discovered that the symbols on Lex's chest have been popping up all over town for years. Hey, Jimmy, welcome to Season Two. He says they've been found on cave walls, burned on barn doors and cut into fields like crop circles. Chloe says it's just a hoax, like the crop circles in England. She says that people have been playing with the Kawatche cave paintings for years, just to get on the news. Jimmy says that Chloe is "going all Scully" on him because of a little story competition. Chloe says she doesn't think Smallville is destined to be Stonehenge. Jimmy says it's been the site of ritualistic killings, and that he found an exact match of the symbols on Lex's chest in the cave above a drawing. He shows a photo to Chloe, which she's seen before. It shows a coffin-shaped box around a man wearing what looks like a helmet and a stylized "S" on the chest. She says it looks like a guy in a doorway. Jimmy says it actually depicts a human sacrifice, according to the top web site authority on pictographs. Chloe takes another look. "Oh, my God," she says.
Poll:What do the Kryptonian Gods give you for sacrificing a member of the -El family?
a) A year's supply of ice, suitable for home building
b) A magical crest thingy
c) Space measles
d) A good probing
e) A one-way trip to Earth
We cut straight from that to the real event. Clark is lying on a giant stone tablet somewhere in the Cathedral. The tablet is inscribed with Kryptonian symbols. He's tied down and there's a green glow all around him. Teague makes sure his wrist brace is secure. Clark asks why he's doing this. "I thought you were supposed to protect me!" he says. Teague says it's his duty. To please that booty? He says that Clark let the secret of Veritas fall into someone else's hands and that this is the only way to make sure Clark doesn't come under someone else's control. Clark says he can stop it. "I will now bestow upon you..." Teague begins. ...A new car! Woooo! He says that he's going to perform an ancient Kryptonian ritual. Female circumcision. Clark's about to lose his clitoris. Teague goes to a candle-lit altar and reveals a gnarly dagger. He says that before the Kryptonians were a people of science, they were warriors. He says the ceremony was a sign of respect for the mightiest of their enemies. "You don't know anything about Krypton!" Clark yells. Teague says that Swann taught him everything. Clark says he must have been taught that Clark is good and that he's not a threat. Clark doesn't think Swann would want this guy to kill him. Teague says that Swann was an idealist who believed Clark would rule them with strength. But, he says, every passage that Swann quoted from Krypton could also be interpreted as showing Clark to be humanity's destroyer. Teague says that if Lex takes over, that's exactly what will happen. "Something your father couldn't have foreseen," Teague says. He removes a stone lid from a big pot. It contains liquid Kryptonite. Clark asks what this has to do with Jarnelle. Teague says that Clark's dad had high hopes for him, but also understood the dangers of placing a God among men. He takes a chalice and uses it to take the liquid Kryptonite and pour it into the tablet. The liquid spreads around Clark and into the symbols on each of the corners. Teague says that if Clark was to turn against humanity, we wouldn't stand a chance. Clark makes ugly faces. "That's why he sent the device," Teague says. Clark doesn't believe it. Teague says that the only other option was to destroy Clark, but Jarnelle couldn't bear the thought of his son's death. Teague comes back over with the dagger. Ominous music plays. "I pray that you find peace in this act of selflessness," Teague says. Yeah, bite me, dude! He uses the dagger to rip open Clark's blue shirt. Hey! That was my best plain blue T-shirt! It goes with all my red jackets! Teague lifts the dagger and then brings it down on Clark's chest. They both make hilarious faces as he begins to carve the shit out of Clark's chest. We pan down. The symbol is the Superman crest with the two circles inside (shaped like an 8). Blood, everywhere. Now you don't need a costume! Lucky! The Strings of Doom amp up until they're unbearable and the camera has to pull back from this awfulness.
Commercials. I have not seen Iron Man and that makes me sad.
The Cathedral, nighttime. Lex has found the clock. It's at the end of an ornate hallway, flanked by paintings. He takes the cryptograph out of a bag and approaches the clock. Its pendulum swings. Lex opens a panel at the top and sees some gears moving. He opens the cryptograph, which has some intricate workings inside a metal panel. He places it on the clock panel, where it locks into place. The decoder wheels spin to create the Veritas symbol. A song begins to chime as we CGI-travel into the clock and see its inner workings. Very pretty. We come out of that nice little animated journey to watch Lex. He's listening closely to the music and seems to recognize it. The hands of the clocks begin to go in opposite directions, finally landing on 1:55. A moon dial above the face of the clock spins clockwise, then suddenly the other way, revealing a gold-laced half circle with a small crest. The dark crest bears the white symbol of the clockmaker. Lex reaches out and takes the crest. He pockets the thing and turns. Teague is right there, waiting. "You're too late," he tells Lex. He says it's strange to see Lex without those little Warrior Angel figurines clutched in his hands. Lex recognizes the man. "Alive and well, no thanks to your father," Teague says. Teague already knows that Lex was responsible for his father's death. But he's sad that Lex shares his father's obsession. "Obsession?" Lex asks. "You're the one that did this." He opens his shirt to reveal his recent involuntary body art. Lex asks why the dude is trying to kill him. Teague says that the prophesies predicted that the Traveler would have a powerful adversary. He says he could never have predicted it would be "Little Alexander." They don't call me "little" anymore! Much! Lex asks about the Traveler's identity. Teague says it's irrelevant, but Lex says it means everything to him. Lex says that Teague has no idea what it's like living every day of your life like you're an afterthought. "I've sacrificed too much," Lex says. Oh, poor you. Teague says Lex's sacrifice has only begun. He says that if there's no Traveler, there can be no Destroyer. Lex pulls out a gun. Teague knocks it aside with his cane. He punches Lex. The two fight with whatever's around, including candlesticks. Action in the church! Holy moley!
We cut to another cathedral hallway where Chloe has suddenly shown up. Whaaa!? She finds Clark on the sacrificial tablet. "Clark!" she says. So basically this room is accessible enough that anyone can find it? Teague wasn't worried some random nun would stumble on some shirtless, bloody farmboy calling for help? Chloe pulls a giant metal cross off a nearby stand and uses it to smash the top of the tablet. The Kryptonite fluid leaks out and empties neatly from around Clark. Chloe seals the stone pot below. Clark, his strength back, is able to break his restraints as the wound on his chest heals. Clark asks how she got there. She used Oliver's jet. She says it's a fringe benefit of being a hero.
Back in the clock room, Lex and Teague are still playing swordfight. Clark, wearing his red jacket zipped up, pops into the room and sees them fighting. It looks like Lex is about to stab Teague in slow motion. Clark knocks the candlestick out of Lex's hand, sending it flying toward the clock. The clock masterpiece shatters. It's destroyed. Good one, Clark. Lex and Teague land on the floor. Clark is gone before they can see him. Neither knows what happened. "How'd you do that?" Lex asks. "I didn't," Teague says. "The Traveler," Lex guesses. A nun and priest finally show up. "What happened here?" the nun asks. Shenanigans happened, that's what. They ignore Lex as they go help Teague. Lex finds the small crest on the floor and takes it with him. He takes one last look at where the broken clock once stood.
Lex's plane. Lex, still looking fairly hurt, asks his Johnny whether "Milash" is back on U.S. soil. Oh, he's talking about Bela Lugosi. Johnny says he sent the guy back on a first-class commercial flight. Johnny asks if they won't be needing the guy in Scotland. "Not if you did your homework," Lex says. Johnny says the library only had one book on St. Kilda, a small island off the west coast of Scotland. "The clock," Lex says. He says the song it was playing was an old Scottish folk song, "Birks of St. Kilda." Lex says that his father made him play the song over and over when he was learning piano. "Birks means birches," Lex says. Johnny, who has been reading a book on the island, says that the whole area is a bird sanctuary now. He says that there was a small town built up around a castle, but that some rich American bought the castle and had it sent back to the U.S. The book doesn't name the wealthy American? It was Papa Luthor. Lex says his dad never found what he was looking for, but that it must be there in the castle. Lex wants the pilot to change course. They're not going to Scotland. They're going home.
Commercials. The last thing you need is a Pepsi with more caffeine and ginseng. You're hopped up enough as it is. Chill!
The Talon, night. Chloe is now the one to arrive home way late. Jimmy is waiting for her with candles lit. Chloe smiles and says she was only gone 24 hours. Jimmy says he's celebrating because he just sold his first article. He says that Lex was pretty interested in a story about the symbols, not surprisingly since he has some on his chest. Is it really "selling" an article if you already work for the newspaper? Jimmy pours some champagne. Chloe asks what the article is about. He says it's "very Joseph Campbell, hero's journey and all that." They toast and drink. He says the article is about Naman and Sageeth and good versus evil. So the newspaper bought a story about some old-ass cave paintings that have been written about before? Awesome. Chloe says Clark wrote a paper about that in high school. Jimmy says that each of them has their own distinct symbols. He shows her an image. She asks why it looks like they're interconnected. Jimmy says he talked to a hieroglyphics expert who said it's common in primitive cultures to have the yin and yang of good and evil. "The hero-antihero conflict," Chloe says. No, that doesn't sound quite right. Jimmy says that what got Lex excited was that the image showing the two figures shows a resolution of that conflict. Chloe asks how you resolve a conflict that has existed since the beginning of mankind. Jimmy says that according to legend, the hero's journey ends with a final battle. Chloe asks who's supposed to win. Jimmy shakes his head. He doesn't know. Chloe gulps.
Kent Farm, daytime. Chloe is in the barn showing Clark the cave drawing that she and Jimmy were talking about the night before. She says the writing is literally on the wall. Clark can't believe she's buying into this whole mythology business. Er, Clark, it's all come true. You're a dumb-ass if you think it's all just a coincidence. Chloe is convinced after the sacrificial altar thing. Clark says it wasn't a myth that tried to kill him, it was a man. Chloe says that man is still out there, thanks to Clark. As they both walk up to the loft, Clark says that on some twisted level, Teague thought he was doing the right thing. Teague thought he was protecting the world from Clark. Chloe says the world is doing fine. Clark says that as long as there's something out there that can control him, he's a threat. He was reminded how dangerous his powers are. Chloe says that's all the more reason Clark shouldn't have let Lex get away. Clark says Lex didn't have anything on him. He X-rayed him. Lex didn't even find what he was looking for. Chloe says that time might be different. She knows Clark doesn't want to take Lex out, but that Lex wouldn't hesitate to destroy Clark. Clark turns back around from a very strange-looking tree. "What do you want me to do, Chloe... kill him?" Clark asks. Chloe doesn't answer. Clark says that if he did that, he'd just turn into Lex himself. Chloe says that whether Clark likes being on a pedestal or not, he's been put in a position where he'll have to play God eventually. Clark has to think about that. Can I just be the God of awesome red jackets?
Lair of Lex. A team of workers is scouring the mansion, looking for a clue that might be built into the manor. Lex tells Johnny that it's been 24 hours. He wants to know why they haven't found anything yet. He doesn't want excuses. He wants results. And more painkillers! Now! Johnny offers to bring in more men. Men? Awesome. Lex tells him to do that. He goes to the piano and starts playing the notes to "Birks of St. Kilda." He speaks the lyrics out loud: "On the shores of St. Kilda/The birks sway in the wind/From the left to the right again." Lex asks Johnny if the castle on St. Kilda faced west. No, it faced south. Lex stands up and positions himself to face the front of the mansion. He says if he turned right, he'd be facing the shore. "Above the heart of home shines the North Star," he continues, from the song. "Of course," Lex says. He just had a stroke of genius. He tells everyone to get out, now. Johnny helps shoo everyone out of the room. Lex walks to the fireplace. He takes out the tiny crest. He sees a matching diamond symbol atop the fireplace. Creepy gothic music starts to play as Lex grabs a small tool and starts to chip away at the symbol on the hearth. He picks up a larger hunk of metal and smashes it. Inside the compartment, there's a small sack, tied with a string. Lex opens it. It's a large, purple 20-sided die. It has a hole in it the size of the small crest. Lex pops the crest into it. The surface of it is the same shade of purple. The ball lights up and floats out of Lex's hand. It projects a sphere around itself. Lex watches. The sphere is a globe. The Earth. A red circle appears and pinpoints a spot way up in the North Pole. Lex moves his eyes away, now realizing where he must go . And we go to black.
week: The season finale! It might be the last time we see Lex for a while, if at all.
-- Omar G. is a journalist and comic living in New Braunfels, Texas. You can find him on Terribly Happy, Space Monkeys! and at Videogamey.com.